Latest / The You Project / #1614 The Power of Delaying Gratification - Harps

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#1614 The Power of Delaying Gratification - Harps · The You Project

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: I get a team. I hope this finds you well.
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Welcome to another installment of you Project, Craig Anthony Harper.
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Just a reminder if you're listening to this week this
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  Speaker 1: week being well, it's the fourteenth of August. As I record,
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to be in Bendigo this weekend. I'm going
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: to be in Bendigo this week and doing my workshop,
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: my new workshop which is called Understanding You. If you
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: live anywhere near Bendigo and you're interested, go to my
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: website Craig Arba dot net. Go to education, have a
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: look and you can find out more about that. I'd
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  Speaker 1: love to see you there. Right So today, as is
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  Speaker 1: often the way, and I say this too much, but
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  Speaker 1: it happens to be true, I'm talking about something that
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  Speaker 1: I spoke about with somebody this morning, and that is
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  Speaker 1: the idea of doing the hard thing, the slow thing,
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  Speaker 1: the inconvenient thing, the thing that's not quick, easy or painless.
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  Speaker 1: And moreover, ladies and gentlemen, more over, the idea of
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  Speaker 1: delaying gratification, not doing the thing in the moment that
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  Speaker 1: might give us an instant hit of dopamine or pleasure,
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  Speaker 1: but rather having an awareness, a greater awareness of the
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  Speaker 1: bigger picture and being able to make a decision in
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  Speaker 1: the moment which might make all of our subsequent moments
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  Speaker 1: better or potentially better, because we are resisting something that
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  Speaker 1: might give us a modocoum of joy or euphor ur
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  Speaker 1: or dopamine in the moment. But by doing that constantly,
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  Speaker 1: which many of us do, hitting the quick fix button
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  Speaker 1: or hitting that dopamine button, it kind of fucks us
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  Speaker 1: up over the long term, and in our fast paced
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  Speaker 1: world where instant access to everything is at our fingertips,
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  Speaker 1: it's just to click away. The idea of delaying gratification
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  Speaker 1: can seem old fashioned, I guess, an outdated and maybe
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  Speaker 1: sometimes even counterintuitive, but for me personally and with the
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  Speaker 1: people that I've worked with over the years, it's proven
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  Speaker 1: to be that while, of course we can have our
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  Speaker 1: moments of pleasure and fun, and we need to an
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  Speaker 1: extent live in the moment, but we also need to
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  Speaker 1: have an awareness of our life moving forward and what
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  Speaker 1: our life might look like moving forward, the quality of
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  Speaker 1: our life, our health, our relationships, our career, our experiences,
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  Speaker 1: our mental and emotional well being. It's good for us
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  Speaker 1: to have an eye on that or an awareness of
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  Speaker 1: that moving forward, so that in this moment when I'm
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  Speaker 1: about to do this thing or say this thing, or
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  Speaker 1: make this decision, or eat this thing, or drink this thing,
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  Speaker 1: or buy this thing, or react this way, that I'm
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  Speaker 1: realizing that even though it might feel good or it
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  Speaker 1: might feel right in the moment, in the context of
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  Speaker 1: my life, it could be somewhat destructive. It could be toxic,
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  Speaker 1: it could be a negative. And you and I live
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  Speaker 1: in a culture that really celebrates you know, the now,
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  Speaker 1: the quick wins, the fast food, the magic pills, the
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  Speaker 1: quick fixes, the two minute abbs, the instant results of
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  Speaker 1: which I've spoken about many times. But we know that
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  Speaker 1: when it comes to building a better life, whatever that means,
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  Speaker 1: like whatever a better life means to you, so health, career, lifestyle,
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  Speaker 1: the kind of results that you're producing in your world,
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  Speaker 1: your energy levels, your relationships, or I guess, broadly speaking,
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  Speaker 1: that internal state, like I've said a lot of times,
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  Speaker 1: like where life happens is external, but where living happens
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  Speaker 1: is internal. And so what is the impact. I'm thinking
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  Speaker 1: about this as I go. So if it's a little
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  Speaker 1: bit lumpy and bumpy today, please excuse me. This is
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  Speaker 1: not scripted or particularly planned other than the theme. So
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  Speaker 1: I'm as I do always with these solo ones. This
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  Speaker 1: is intuitive, instinctive, and organic. So if it ain't the
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  Speaker 1: most polished brothers and sisters, I apologize, But just the
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  Speaker 1: I guess, having the awareness of in the moment, what
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  Speaker 1: might be the consequence, good or bad, of this thing
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  Speaker 1: that I'm going to do. And for somebody who spent
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  Speaker 1: a lot of his life really struggling with food, like
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  Speaker 1: for me, food was my drug, Food was my addiction.
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  Speaker 1: Food was my not only my physiological barrier, but also
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  Speaker 1: my mental and emotional barrier. Because I would I would
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  Speaker 1: in the moment medicate myself with food. I would numb
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  Speaker 1: myself with food. I would I would drag myself out
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  Speaker 1: of some kind of pain temporarily with food because I
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  Speaker 1: just shoved this whatever it is that I didn't need
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  Speaker 1: my body didn't actually need it, I just wanted it.
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  Speaker 1: I'd shove it in and then I'd momentarily feel good.
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  Speaker 1: I would make an in the moment, instant gratification driven decision,
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  Speaker 1: and literally fifteen minutes later, I would hate myself. I
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  Speaker 1: would feel regretful, I would be disappointed in me. I
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  Speaker 1: would be frustrated, I would be ashamed, and I did that,
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  Speaker 1: or I did a version of that. For years, I
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  Speaker 1: was constantly trapped in this cycle of pushing the dopamine button.
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  Speaker 1: And all that did for me was that made me
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  Speaker 1: less functional, less happy, less resilient, less capable, less adaptable
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  Speaker 1: over the long term. And so the process or the
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  Speaker 1: practice of delaying gratification, it's not just potentially transformational, but
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  Speaker 1: it's just a really good, important and powerful idea, I
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  Speaker 1: guess process path to take. And that doesn't mean, of course,
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  Speaker 1: like I said before, that we're not going to have
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  Speaker 1: fun and silliness and we're not going to have a
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  Speaker 1: piece of cake ever, or we're not going to we're
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  Speaker 1: not going to press that button, that dopamine button at times.
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  Speaker 1: Of course, I press the dopamine button every time I
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  Speaker 1: choose to ride one of my motorbikes instead of drawing
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  Speaker 1: driving my boring fucking car, you know. But that's that's
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  Speaker 1: not what we're talking about. We're not talking about the
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  Speaker 1: exclusion of joy from our life. But we're talking about
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  Speaker 1: decisions in the moment, actions, reactions in the moment that
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  Speaker 1: might be setting us up for pain over the long term.
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  Speaker 1: So delaying gratification. I guess it means being able to
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  Speaker 1: resist the temptation of something immediate, an immediate reward with
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  Speaker 1: that mental, emotional, psychological, or physiological I should say, in
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  Speaker 1: favor of something that's bigger and perhaps more enduring in
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  Speaker 1: the future. So it's the ability to say no to
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  Speaker 1: the easy choice now, so that you can say yes
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  Speaker 1: to something that is far more rewarding, fulfeeling, meaningful, empowering,
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  Speaker 1: and enduring over the long term. Like and I truly
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  Speaker 1: think that this ability is it an ability, this traits,
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  Speaker 1: this practice is the cornerstone of personal growth and success.
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  Speaker 1: I've not met one person who has been what I
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  Speaker 1: would call And when I say success, I'm not talking
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  Speaker 1: about financially necessarily. It could be in any realm. It
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  Speaker 1: could just be that someone that's genuinely fulfilled and happy
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  Speaker 1: and calm. You know, that's depending on your value system.
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  Speaker 1: For me, I value that kind of internal, spiritual, emotional, psychological,
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  Speaker 1: sociological wealth. I hold that personally higher regard than money.
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  Speaker 1: Money is good. I don't hate money. I'm not mad
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  Speaker 1: at money. I get paid money. But for me, money
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  Speaker 1: is a practical resource that I use to do stuff
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  Speaker 1: and I've made buck all money at times, and I've
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  Speaker 1: made lots of money at times, and I can personally anyway,
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  Speaker 1: I can tell you that for me, when I was
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  Speaker 1: making ten times the money, I didn't have ten times
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  Speaker 1: the happiness. That's my experience. Doesn't mean it would be yours,
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  Speaker 1: but that's my experience. So for me, the relentless pursuit
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  Speaker 1: of money is a dumb pursuit. It's factored into my
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  Speaker 1: life moving forward more on a practical and experiential level,
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  Speaker 1: you know, getting bills paid, being able to do things,
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  Speaker 1: being able to serve others, being able to look after
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  Speaker 1: my parents, all that stuff. But the idea of being
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  Speaker 1: hell bent on making more and more money at all
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  Speaker 1: costs for me, that kind of that's not a big driver.
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  Speaker 1: That's not a big driver. So let's think about the
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  Speaker 1: pursuit of, say, better health. I mean, this is a
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  Speaker 1: no brainer because everybody wants that. So we know that
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  Speaker 1: in the moment, it's far easier to reach for the
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  Speaker 1: thing that we don't need, whatever that is for you,
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  Speaker 1: than it is for a healthy option and that immediate
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  Speaker 1: kind of pleasure, that immediate kind of hit or fix,
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  Speaker 1: satisfying that craving or that urge is understandable. And I
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  Speaker 1: actually think every now and then, I don't think that's
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  Speaker 1: a deal breaker. I don't think, but I think the
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  Speaker 1: decision to delay that consistently so to for example, choosing
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  Speaker 1: to go for a run, or choosing a nutritious meal,
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  Speaker 1: or choosing to have some water instead of some booze,
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  Speaker 1: or choosing to have a different having one glass instead
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  Speaker 1: of five glass. Perhaps, but this not only does this
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  Speaker 1: hey dividends over time, but it changes us. It changes
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  Speaker 1: us so that we become we become better at making decisions,
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  Speaker 1: right decisions, and choosing the right path and taking the
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  Speaker 1: right action and reacting the right way. And when I
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  Speaker 1: say the right way, I mean the right way for you,
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  Speaker 1: the right way for you. And we go, well, what's
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  Speaker 1: the right way for you? What does that mean, Craig?
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  Speaker 1: How do I know what's the right way? Here's how
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  Speaker 1: you know. If you are if you are making a decision,
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  Speaker 1: if you are taking an action, if you are responding
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  Speaker 1: a certain way, and that response or that action or
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  Speaker 1: that choice aligns with your values, how you want to be,
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  Speaker 1: who you want to be, what is important to you,
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  Speaker 1: then that is the right choice. Then that is the
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  Speaker 1: best choice that is the best action, that is the
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  Speaker 1: best reaction, and the same thing. You know, it applies
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  Speaker 1: across the board, like with lifestyle, the kind of life
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  Speaker 1: that you want to build, you want to you want
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  Speaker 1: to buy a home, or you want to dream holiday,
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  Speaker 1: or you want financial independence. You know, the temptation to
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  Speaker 1: short term, to spend on short term pleasures like to
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  Speaker 1: buy the gadget that we don't need one hundred inch TV,
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  Speaker 1: or the spontaneous shopping spree, or the eating out seven
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  Speaker 1: nights a week because it gives us a level of
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  Speaker 1: instant gratification. Again, sometimes these are things that we need
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  Speaker 1: to go Is this what I should be doing to
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  Speaker 1: set myself? What do I want my life to look
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  Speaker 1: like in five, ten, fifteen, twenty years? What do I want?
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  Speaker 1: What is the best version of me? What is the
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  Speaker 1: best version of my health? What is the best version?
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  Speaker 1: If I think of my optimal lifestyle or my optimal
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  Speaker 1: living situation, or my optimal career, and I think about
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  Speaker 1: how that might eventuate or unfold or grow, how I
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  Speaker 1: might create that over the next one, two, five, ten,
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  Speaker 1: fifteen twenty years, I think about my life moving forward,
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  Speaker 1: and then I come back to the micro of now
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  Speaker 1: then I come back to today, to this moment. And
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: obviously whether or not I choose a beer or a
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  Speaker 1: water in this moment is not in and of itself transformational.
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  Speaker 1: But when we put all of those moments together, of
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  Speaker 1: delaying gratification or denying gratification, or choosing the narrow path
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  Speaker 1: not the wide path. When we put all those in
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  Speaker 1: the moment moments together, the collection of those, that becomes
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  Speaker 1: our superpower. That becomes the way that you and I
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  Speaker 1: build an operating system that aligns with who and how
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  Speaker 1: we want to be over the long term. And it's tough.
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  Speaker 1: You know, it's tough because when we and I say
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  Speaker 1: it's tough, plainly because I want to be honest. You know,
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to tell you it's quick, easy, fun
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  Speaker 1: and painless, as you've heard me say, because it ain't.
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  Speaker 1: It ain't like. Quite often, the thing that you need
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  Speaker 1: to do to build your best body, build your best life,
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  Speaker 1: build your best marriage, build your best brand. You know,
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: do your PhD, do your undergrad degree, write that book,
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  Speaker 1: overcome that addiction, repair that relationship, whatever it is, whatever
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  Speaker 1: it is that you need to do. Quite often, the
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  Speaker 1: thing that is easy in the short term is destructive
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  Speaker 1: over the long term. And quite often the thing that
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  Speaker 1: you would much prefer to do today is not the
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  Speaker 1: best thing. I'll say that again. Quite often, the thing
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  Speaker 1: that you would prefer to do today, it might make
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  Speaker 1: today a bit easier, but it's going to make moving
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  Speaker 1: forward a bit harder. And so the question is based
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  Speaker 1: on who I want to be, how I want to be,
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  Speaker 1: how I want the macro of my life to play out.
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  Speaker 1: What do I need to do in the micro of
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  Speaker 1: this minute when I hold up the values and the
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  Speaker 1: aspirations and the goals and the intentions and the dream
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  Speaker 1: and the story of my future, that is the macro
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  Speaker 1: of my life? What do I need to do now
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  Speaker 1: in this moment, in this moment when no one's looking,
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  Speaker 1: in this moment, when no one's cheering. And this is
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: another thing. With all of this, we need to get
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: to the point, I believe, let me preface it with that,
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  Speaker 1: I believe we need to get to the point where
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  Speaker 1: we are doing the right things in the micro, in
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  Speaker 1: the moment, in the day to day minutia of our existence.
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  Speaker 1: We're making the hard decisions and doing the hard things
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  Speaker 1: and resisting and avoiding the instant gratification without any need,
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  Speaker 1: without any need for in the moment reward, without any
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  Speaker 1: need for validation or approval or recognition. And one of
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  Speaker 1: the problems is that's another instant gratification thing. We love
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  Speaker 1: everyone to tell us how fucking amazing we are for
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  Speaker 1: eating a salad, for going for a walk, for showing up,
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  Speaker 1: for just doing the right thing. We somehow revert to
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  Speaker 1: this child life like mindset that I need people to
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  Speaker 1: tell me I'm amazing every time I do something that,
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  Speaker 1: by the way, is not fucking amazing. You eating a
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  Speaker 1: salad isn't amazing. You going for a walk isn't amazing.
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  Speaker 1: You do not need a gold medal for that. You
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: do not need a round of applause, You do not
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  Speaker 1: need other people to watch. You do not need any
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: kind of validation. And if you think that you do,
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: the problem is in your thinking. If your story is
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: I need someone to tell me this to acknowledge that that,
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  Speaker 1: then that ain't. The problem is not that that's lacking.
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  Speaker 1: The problem is the story. We need to always check
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  Speaker 1: ourselves because we're always telling ourselves a story about what
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  Speaker 1: is and what isn't, and quite often the story that
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  Speaker 1: we're telling is the problem, and it's in I guess,
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  Speaker 1: it's in the practicing of you know, restraint, I guess,
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  Speaker 1: for want of a better term, delaying, denying, avoiding those immediate,
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  Speaker 1: sometimes overwhelming desires. And by the way, it's hard, it's
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  Speaker 1: hard as fuck. I get it. I get it, you know.
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  Speaker 1: And sometimes like that desire, that overwhelming desire for me
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  Speaker 1: that still exists in various forms that might not be
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  Speaker 1: so much in food, but sometimes it's in my ego
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  Speaker 1: where I want to say something that I know is
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  Speaker 1: going to impress someone, or I know that is going
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  Speaker 1: to get me some kind of accolades, and in the moment,
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  Speaker 1: in the moment, I realize what I'm about to do
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  Speaker 1: or what I'm thinking about doing, and it's just putting
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  Speaker 1: the brakes on that in the moment and just shutting
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  Speaker 1: the fuck up and pulling my ego back into check
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  Speaker 1: and saying, this is not me, this thing that I
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  Speaker 1: want to say or do, this doesn't align with who
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  Speaker 1: I want to be. And how do I want to
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: be humble? Do I want to be self aware? Do
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  Speaker 1: I want to have a purpose bigger than me? Yes?
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  Speaker 1: I want all of that, but I really want that
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  Speaker 1: so right now, ego, pull your head in Right now,
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to I'm going to choose the narrow path
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  Speaker 1: right now. I'm going to deny that impulse that I
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  Speaker 1: have for recognition, for approval, because yes I'm still insecure,
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  Speaker 1: and yes I still want all of those things, but
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  Speaker 1: me chasing that shit, it doesn't help anyone else, and
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  Speaker 1: it definitely doesn't help me. And what we do. Quite
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  Speaker 1: often when we become that person that is in constant
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  Speaker 1: need of approval and attention and reward and accolade, we've
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  Speaker 1: then just created a new addiction because I can't do
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  Speaker 1: anything positive unless there's a round of applause or a trophy.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: And while it's great to have people that care about
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: us and support us, it is completely unhealthy to be
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: paralyzed or incapable of moving forward or doing anything positive
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  Speaker 1: unless we have the attention of someone else. So I
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  Speaker 1: guess delaying gratification is not It's not about denying ourselves
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  Speaker 1: the pleasure of living a life or denial and deprivation.
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  Speaker 1: It's not about misery, it's not about in fact, it's
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: the opposite. It's about creating a life that is more rewarding,
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: more fulfilling, more joyous, and also in the middle of
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: creating that life, it's about creating a version of us
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  Speaker 1: so that we don't need or we don't need, that
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  Speaker 1: instant gratification, whatever that might look like. It's about making
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: conscious choices that in the moment might be hard, but
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: conscious choices that in the moment align with our deeper
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: values and our longer term goals. It's about recognizing that
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  Speaker 1: the easy path is rarely the rewarding path, and that
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  Speaker 1: true success, health, happiness, fulfillment, growth require patience and perseverance
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  Speaker 1: and a willingness to forego the immediate pleasure of something
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  Speaker 1: for the sake of something greater in the macro of
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  Speaker 1: our existence. You know, the ability to delay and deny
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  Speaker 1: gratification is a muscle that can be strengthened. But it's
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  Speaker 1: like anything else. We need to go to the gym.
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  Speaker 1: We need to go to the delaying gratification gym so
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  Speaker 1: that the next time we do it it's a bit easier,
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  Speaker 1: and it's a bit easier, and it's a bit easier.
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  Speaker 1: Each time we choose to wait, each time we choose
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  Speaker 1: to deny that impulse or resist that impulse, or each
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  Speaker 1: time we choose to prioritize our future over our in
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  Speaker 1: the moment, right, we build that muscle, and over time,
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  Speaker 1: these small and repetitious and consistent acts of self control
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  Speaker 1: they accumulate, they build that muscle, They build, they pertrophy
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  Speaker 1: that that delaying gratification muscle. They turn us into a
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  Speaker 1: version of ourselves that can now consistently make or more
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  Speaker 1: consistently perhaps the kind of decisions and embrace the kind
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  Speaker 1: of behaviors that lead to that profound transformation. They shape
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  Speaker 1: our character, they shape our habits, our day to day
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  Speaker 1: operating system, and ultimately they shape what our life will look, feel,
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  Speaker 1: and function like. And us in the middle of it,
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  Speaker 1: you know, and I guess in a world that is
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  Speaker 1: always pushing you and me, you know, through marketing, through media,
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: through various forms of advertising, through peer pressure, through you know,
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: we're always being urged to take the quick and easy route.
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: And in the middle of all of that, the practice
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: of delaying gratification is a it's a somewhat radical act,
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: like it's really it's a choice to live with intention
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: and self control and awareness and some other very unsexy
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: things like discipline, and to prioritize the long term us,
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: the long term growth, the long term fulfillment, the long
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: term calm, the long term success over the short term whatever,
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: and to invest in a future that holds the promise
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: of something truly worthwhile. And I believe it's in the
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: mastering of this practice, this trait, this habit, whatever you
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: want to call it, that we can unlock a power
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: create a life that's not just good in the moment,
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: but amazing over the long haul.