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11 | Radicalized Dolphins · You Didn't Ask For This

0:00
Matt: Do you think you'd be a good dictator?
0:03
Eric: Huh.
0:04
Matt: Yeah.
0:05
Matt: Like, if you took over the world, let's say you raised an army.
0:08
Eric: Okay.
0:08
Matt: Took over the world.
0:09
Matt: Okay.
0:10
Matt: Congratulations.
0:11
Eric: Thank you.
0:12
Matt: Are you are you good at your job?
0:14
Matt: Your self-appointed job as emperor of the world.
0:18
Matt: Now be critical with yourself.
0:20
Eric: Yeah, yeah.
0:21
Eric: I'm legitimately gonna protest as honestly as I can, you know.
0:25
Eric: Because like I feel like this is a question a lot of people go, oh yeah, man.
0:28
Matt: Oh, this is a question I get all of them.
0:31
Eric: No.
0:31
Eric: I think I would suck at being a dictator.
0:33
Matt: I think I also would be a poor dictator.
0:36
Matt: I think I care about people too much.
0:37
Matt: Which is ironic considering how much I dislike people.
0:40
Eric: Yeah, I see, I feel like being the dictator would put me in contact with human beings far more than with which I am comfortable.
0:48
Matt: Yeah.
0:49
Matt: I think I put a lot of stock in my generals.
0:52
Eric: Yes.
0:52
Matt: See, I would- then inevitably would betray me.
0:56
Eric: Oh, 100%.
0:57
Eric: That's see, that's my angle.
0:58
Eric: I want to be the vizier.
1:01
Matt: The vizier.
1:02
Eric: The Grima worm tongue-esque guy who lurks in the shadows and is whispering in the ear of the dictator.
1:10
Matt: You want to be Iago, is what you want to be.
1:11
Eric: Yeah, yeah, pretty much.
1:13
Eric: Pretty much.
1:14
Eric: Uh, that's a good position because you you do that, right?
1:18
Eric: Eventually, you know, the dictator gets overthrown by his own generals.
1:23
Eric: The generals, they know, they know what I'm about.
1:26
Eric: And they know that I know things.
1:28
Eric: They know that I know a lot of things.
1:30
Eric: I've got job security.
1:32
Matt: Right.
1:32
Matt: But you've got like you said, you know things.
1:35
Matt: So they you perhaps you know too much.
1:38
Eric: That's the key.
1:39
Eric: You got it's knowing knowing just the right amount to not die.
1:44
Matt: Right, because if you get like kicked out, say.
1:46
Eric: Yeah.
1:47
Matt: Like let's say something you get exiled, like uh our friend Napoleon.
1:52
Matt: If you get exiled the first time, and I don't know how much you know about Napoleon, uh, but he was exiled twice.
2:00
Matt: So the first time he was exiled, he came back.
2:02
Matt: Do you know this about Napoleon?
2:04
Eric: I know he was exiled twice.
2:06
Matt: Okay, so the first time he was exiled, this is a true, this is history.
2:09
Matt: This isn't me uh, this isn't me making this up.
2:13
Matt: So he got he gets exiled to Elba.
2:16
Matt: He comes and he comes into to put a longer story short, he gets himself a boat with like the the the handful of men that he was with, that they were like, Well, you were the emperor, so you can't Can we also talk about how much that job has to suck?
2:31
Eric: Because you are uh if you are they're guarding the exiled emperor, you are effectively exiled.
2:37
Matt: Right.
2:38
Matt: So so they get exiled with him essentially.
2:41
Matt: He gets off, he gets a boat, he comes back, and so they get word that uh Napoleon is coming back.
2:49
Matt: Like he has we'll give him the ship, huh?
2:52
Matt: And so like he's back on this boat, he comes over, he lands, and in the meantime, they've they've sent the troops to meet him to be like, stop.
3:00
Matt: So there he gets a short dude, you're exiled.
3:06
Matt: Yeah, he comes to shore, uh, he comes to shore.
3:10
Matt: Uh the troops are standing there with guns at him, and he was like, Are you really going to shoot your emperor?
3:17
Matt: And they're like, Oh, nah.
3:20
Matt: And so they just fall in line, and he literally marches straight to Versailles and walks right back in and and rips up the carpet that they put over his bumblebees and was like, I'm back, and he was just emperor again.
3:34
Matt: Just everybody was like, Oh shit, he got to pass the troops.
3:37
Eric: He fucking earned it! Like, if you make it that far back, if you make it, if they put your ass on an island in an age where the fastest you could possibly go is how hard the wind could blow you or how fast a horse could run.
3:53
Eric: Who gave him Zebot?
3:55
Eric: Which begs the question of like, if you I never I never understood why they didn't just kill him.
4:02
Eric: Right.
4:02
Eric: If he was if it was a bad enough problem that you would have to exile him and then exile a group of assholes to watch him for the rest of his life and make sure he stays there, why wouldn't you just kill him?
4:14
Matt: Right.
4:14
Matt: So then he comes back, he's m he's emperor again, and then after Waterloo, they exile him again further away.
4:20
Matt: And then to St.
4:21
Matt: Helena, and that's where he died.
4:23
Matt: But it's like, what what's with that second time?
4:26
Matt: Yeah, why does he get He's a very polarizing figure in France, as it turns out.
4:31
Matt: It anyway, all that to say, he had the charisma to just show up and be like, yeah, I'm literally gonna walk home.
4:39
Eric: It it does require a certain amount of it requires a certain personality that I feel like we all interact with on a daily basis, but we never realize how far it can go.
4:53
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
4:54
Eric: You know what I mean?
4:55
Matt: I do.
4:56
Eric: Yeah.
4:57
Eric: Like, uh, I think it was Caligula who punished the ocean.
5:05
Eric: Have you ever heard this story?
5:07
Matt: You better tell it to me.
5:08
Eric: I I believe it was Caligula.
5:10
Eric: It could be another like ancient ruler or something.
5:13
Eric: Basically, there was a bunch of storms that had like prevented his ships from going anywhere, and I think had like wrecked a bunch of his ships.
5:24
Eric: So he ordered that the sea be flogged, and it wasn't a joke.
5:29
Eric: He sent men out there, and they stood knee deep in the water and started hitting the waves with whips.
5:39
Eric: It takes that kind of person, it takes that level of Karen.
5:45
Matt: Hmm, yes.
5:47
Eric: Because in both cases, Napoleon and Caligula, it was I want to speak to your manager on a biblical level.
5:55
Matt: No, it was well with Napoleon, it wasn't so much I want to speak with your manager, it is I am your manager now.
6:02
Matt: Yes.
6:02
Matt: Look at me, look at me.
6:04
Eric: I'm the manager.
6:05
Eric: Karen hopped the counter and started and she started ringing people up.
6:11
Eric: Exactly.
6:12
Matt: Or more to the point, she got behind the counter and said, We're closed.
6:19
Matt: Anyway, I'm thinking about buying Civilization 6.
6:22
Eric: Oh my god.
6:23
Eric: I have Civ.
6:24
Eric: I have Civ.
6:25
Eric: We can play Civ.
6:36
Matt: And welcome back to another edition of You Didn't Ask For This.
6:42
Matt: I'm Matt Shea.
6:43
Eric: I'm Eric Poach.
6:44
Matt: This is a podcast answering all your least pressing questions.
6:48
Matt: And that's it.
6:49
Matt: I'm not going to say anything else about a tagline.
6:51
Eric: Yeah, just let it be.
6:52
Matt: I'm just going to let it be.
6:53
Matt: You know what it is now, okay?
6:55
Eric: Yeah.
6:55
Matt: I told you.
6:56
Eric: If you're 11 episodes deep, if you don't know what this is about.
7:01
Matt: Or maybe this is your first episode, in which case, uh, welcome to the show.
7:06
Eric: You're on thin fucking ice.
7:08
Matt: You're on thin ice with me, okay?
7:11
Matt: Hours worth of content to catch up on.
7:13
Eric: We're doing we're doing the controversial bad cop, bad cop.
7:18
Matt: The bad cop, bad cop uh welcoming of a guest, a fan.
7:23
Matt: Not even a guest, just a listener.
7:27
Eric: The best defense is an overwhelming offense, Matt.
7:32
Matt: Well, that'll that'll be uh important when we become dual dictators.
7:36
Eric: I want to be Disney levels of aggressive in our marketing.
7:39
Matt: Yeah, okay.
7:40
Matt: That's great.
7:41
Eric: Easy for me to say I don't do any of the marketing.
7:44
Matt: We are on our way to becoming dual dictators.
7:47
Matt: Does that ever end well for anyone?
7:49
Matt: Has there ever been a partnership dictatorship?
7:51
Eric: That's a very good question.
7:53
Eric: Because, like, even in monarchies, it wasn't, you know, there was the clear Yeah, there's there's the top, and then there's I am married to the top.
8:05
Eric: Although at a certain point in history, it was my parents essentially sold me to the top.
8:11
Matt: Oh, yeah.
8:12
Matt: I mean, that's uh yeah.
8:14
Matt: We should probably not become a history podcast right off the bat.
8:17
Eric: We'll leave that, Dan Carlin.
8:19
Matt: And so speaking of those questions, yes, uh, we've got one, uh, this is one that came to me uh like a like a vision.
8:27
Matt: Uh it came upon it came to me in a flash of light.
8:31
Matt: There was a burning bush that uh uh came into my peripheral vision.
8:36
Matt: I said, What is that?
8:37
Matt: Is it God?
8:38
Matt: And it said, when specifically is Miller time?
8:43
Eric: And I love this question.
8:44
Eric: When I opened up our question queue and I saw that in there, I was like, Oh, that's a bitching question.
8:50
Eric: Bless whoever sent that in.
8:51
Eric: I just look over and it says, sender Matt.
8:54
Matt: It turned out it was just my brain.
8:56
SPEAKER_02: Matt.
8:56
Matt: I sent it in, and uh, so I think if the uh you know Miller Brewering Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, was here right now, they would say to us, Miller time's not a time on the clock.
9:11
Matt: Miller time is a time that you find in your heart.
9:13
Matt: Or some bullshit like that.
9:15
Matt: As long as you're finding it responsibly.
9:17
Matt: Yeah, but like I want to know when it is.
9:20
Matt: You know what I mean?
9:21
Matt: Or specifically, you want a I want a time, baby.
9:25
Matt: You want a time.
9:26
Matt: I want to know when I can put it in the Google calendar.
9:28
Matt: You want a hard middle?
9:29
Matt: It's Miller time.
9:30
Matt: Yeah.
9:31
Matt: I want to be able to say now I and that's not to say, first of all, I can't tell you the last time I had a Miller product.
9:40
Eric: I I believe I had Miller High Life, the champagne of beers.
9:45
Eric: The champagne of beers.
9:46
Eric: About a decade ago.
9:48
Matt: I'll tell you this, Miller has fucking awesome commercials historically.
9:53
Eric: Oh, yeah.
9:54
Matt: The the High Life commercials, the High Life saga was top tier, baby.
10:00
Matt: Yeah.
10:01
Matt: Of Super Bowl commercials and beyond.
10:04
Eric: I don't think I've ever actually just had a Miller light.
10:07
Eric: I've only had the champagne of beers.
10:10
Matt: Yeah, I mean, because if I'm going for Miller, I want that champagne of beers, baby.
10:15
Matt: Matt, I live the high life.
10:18
Eric: I think the last time I had a Miller High Life, I think might have been with you.
10:24
Matt: Really?
10:25
Matt: Then that would have been a long time ago at this point.
10:27
Eric: It was over a decade ago.
10:28
Eric: I think it was it was at one of the word bridges.
10:31
Matt: I was gonna say we didn't have I think the last time we were drinking was at my wedding.
10:36
Matt: Isn't that unbelievably sad that we haven't been drinking since?
10:40
Eric: Oh, we've been drinking alright.
10:42
SPEAKER_01: Just not together.
10:43
SPEAKER_01: Just not together.
10:45
Matt: We'll do a junk episode coming up.
10:47
Eric: Yep.
10:49
Matt: Uh nobody asked for it, that's why you're gonna get it.
10:53
Matt: Um so when is Miller time?
10:55
Matt: Let's circle.
10:56
Matt: So when is Miller time?
10:58
Matt: I think it's very easy to say, well, let's rule out sometimes, but my question is given the quality of Miller.
11:07
Matt: Champagne of beers.
11:09
Matt: What I'm saying is, bec I champ the name and joke of champagne of beers aside, Miller kind of sucks.
11:17
Eric: Miller kind of sucks.
11:19
Matt: I don't think Miller time involves quality drinking.
11:23
Matt: When you're sitting down with a book by the fireplace and you're getting cozy, it's not Miller time.
11:30
Matt: You it's not Miller time, it's not Miller time.
11:32
Matt: It's scotch time, it's whiskey time, it's it's sipping time.
11:36
Matt: Okay?
11:37
Matt: When you're when when, similarly, when it's New Year's Eve, that's champagne champagne time.
11:42
Matt: Okay?
11:42
Matt: Yes.
11:44
Matt: So celebration is not caused for Miller time.
11:48
Matt: You turn to Miller when you need a good amount of beer in a short amount of time.
11:55
Eric: I'm very thankful you use the phrasing when you turn to Miller.
12:00
Matt: When you turn to Miller is a st you're in a state of mind already.
12:04
Eric: Yes.
12:05
Eric: You are beleaguered.
12:07
Matt: Yeah, you're either already drunk or just I need to be drunk for as little money as possible.
12:13
Eric: Yes.
12:14
Eric: Or I want to drink something alcoholic for a long period of time.
12:18
Matt: Right.
12:18
Matt: I because you could just down uh three shots if you're somewhat of a lightweight and be good to you're on your way.
12:27
Matt: But if you want to get through the night with a constant flow, you need something like Miller.
12:33
Matt: That's what I'm saying is Miller time isn't quality time.
12:37
Eric: No.
12:37
Eric: Is is Miller is Miller T like brunch in the sense because if you recall our art where we kind of landed with brunch, that it's a community thing.
12:48
Eric: Is Miller time like is it a party or is it a socializing-centric time?
12:54
Matt: No, I don't necessarily know that's true because listen, if you're, you know.
12:58
Eric: Miller time waits for no man.
13:01
Matt: I think if you're waking up, uh, you know, passed out in the woods without pants, baby, that's Miller time.
13:09
Matt: That falls squarely in the in the uh jurisdiction of Miller Prime.
13:15
Eric: So here's what we're gonna do.
13:16
Eric: We're just gonna start listing off situations that that are Miller time.
13:20
Eric: Uh when you have crawled out of the coal mine in West Virginia having lost your leg that day, and you know you have to be back there tomorrow.
13:30
Eric: When you are not a coal miner.
13:32
Eric: That's Miller Time.
13:34
Matt: That's Miller time.
13:36
Matt: When you have gone to play Capture the Flag in a farmer's cornfield by yourself.
13:44
Matt: That's Miller time.
13:45
Eric: That's Miller time.
13:46
Eric: When you discover that you have been illegally cloned and someone is living your life.
13:52
Eric: That's Miller time.
13:53
Eric: That's the quality of Miller time that we're looking for.
13:56
Eric: It is, it is the drink equivalent of a Pinter Silence.
14:00
Eric: Something has fundamentally changed your life, but you're not dead.
14:06
Matt: It wasn't that fundamental.
14:08
Matt: It wasn't that fundamental.
14:12
Matt: Yes.
14:13
Matt: That's not Miller time.
14:14
Eric: That's not Miller time.
14:15
Matt: That's not Miller time.
14:17
Matt: Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
14:19
Eric: When you die and your friends discover your corpse, that's Miller time.
14:24
Matt: From the perspective of the friend?
14:25
Eric: Oh, yeah, for them.
14:26
Eric: That's Miller time.
14:27
Matt: I don't know about that.
14:28
Matt: I'm giving you pushback on that.
14:30
Matt: Let me ask you this.
14:31
Matt: Did they hate you?
14:34
Eric: They didn't hate me, but they weren't surprised that I got dead by like I'm mauled by a bear.
14:41
Matt: Are they sad by your death?
14:43
Eric: They're sad.
14:44
Eric: They're not surprised, but they're not.
14:45
Matt: Not Miller time.
14:46
Eric: Not Miller time?
14:47
Eric: Okay.
14:47
Matt: I think if they were happy to see you dead.
14:50
Eric: That's Miller time.
14:51
Matt: That's Miller time.
14:53
Eric: Having your enemy laid before you crumpled in the heat, hearing the lamentations of the women, that's Miller time.
15:03
Matt: And so everything that I'm hearing does seem to take place post midnight, pre-6 a.m.
15:10
Matt: Yeah, that's fair.
15:11
Matt: That's fair.
15:12
Matt: Everything that we've got gotten into so far has fallen into the category of debauchery.
15:17
Eric: Yeah.
15:17
Eric: Debauchery, uh, chicanery.
15:20
Eric: So what time is that?
15:22
Matt: So what's on that's what I'm saying.
15:24
Matt: It's after.
15:25
Matt: I don't think you can get into any of the activities we've talked about at 3 p.m.
15:30
Matt: No.
15:31
Matt: 10 a.m.
15:32
Eric: I think it's got to be dark out.
15:35
Eric: Yeah, it's gotta be dark out.
15:36
Eric: It's gotta be at a time where you know normal people are definitely asleep.
15:42
Eric: I would say like like their night owls are awake, we're not worried about that.
15:47
Eric: Right.
15:47
Eric: I would say I would put Miller time somewhere in the neighborhood of 145 a.m.
15:55
Matt: Hmm.
15:55
Matt: 145.
15:56
Matt: I could get behind 145.
15:59
Matt: Do you think I think we need a little bit more time?
16:03
Matt: I think we need a little bit more time uh now that it's sitting with me, because 145 is still like a pretty uh uh for, you know, and you know, for some people, that's just when they're heading out for the night.
16:15
Matt: But we're not talking about the club set, because the club set is not getting Miller.
16:20
Eric: And and you're absolutely right that we need a later time because honestly, 1 a.m.
16:25
Eric: when someone comes to me like, oh my god, we found him at 1 a.m.
16:28
Eric: Not really uh, but when someone like runs in in a cold sweat, they're like I just I just found I just found them out of the woods.
16:37
Eric: It was 2 a.m.
16:39
Eric: Then like we're in, oh holy shit.
16:42
Eric: And we know the bars are closed by then.
16:44
Matt: Two uh bars are closed by then.
16:46
Matt: I think I think what I'm feeling it's just coming to me.
16:49
Matt: It's just coming to me like a like because if you're out going to the clubs, like there are clubs that are all night.
16:54
Matt: There are you know, there are things all day, and if there's an all-night action happening over here on uh on on this corner of the world, Miller time is not happening there.
17:05
Matt: Miller time's happening over here.
17:08
Eric: In the dark shadowy place.
17:10
Matt: Over in the shadows, not at the club, but over in the coal mine.
17:14
Matt: So what I'm feeling, how that relates to time for me, I'm z I'm getting this feeling, I'm getting this premonition that it's gotta be in the three o'clock hour.
17:22
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
17:23
Matt: It's gotta be in the three o'clock hour.
17:24
Matt: Okay.
17:25
Matt: In fact, but I like it being close.
17:26
Matt: Uh you know, it's just hit me, it's 3.12.
17:29
Matt: 312.
17:30
Matt: 312 a.m.
17:31
Matt: is Miller time.
17:32
Matt: Yeah.
17:33
Matt: Or no, you know, we can't give it a specific minute, right?
17:36
Eric: No, I think we Or should we?
17:38
Eric: I think we need to, we need to, we need to be brave.
17:42
Eric: Yes.
17:43
Eric: Miller time is 3.12 a.m.
17:45
Matt: Miller that's when it starts anyway.
17:48
Matt: Because you can't you can't it can't last 60 seconds.
17:50
Matt: No.
17:50
Matt: That's not what they're talking about in the car.
17:52
Matt: That's not living the high life.
17:53
Eric: Now all the stories about Miller time.
17:56
Eric: I like the sound of it starting like, dude, it was almost quarter after three.
18:00
Matt: I could have sworn it was just about 3.12.
18:02
Eric: It was just about three, almost quarter after.
18:05
Eric: And then he just stumbled in.
18:06
Eric: He just stumbled in.
18:07
Eric: I looked at the clock.
18:08
Eric: It must have been uh 312.
18:10
Eric: It must have been three, like what?
18:11
Eric: What was it?
18:12
Eric: Like 320?
18:13
Eric: Yeah.
18:14
Eric: It'll make people debate the time.
18:16
Eric: Yeah.
18:17
Matt: Yeah.
18:17
Matt: But they always land on uh 312.
18:21
Matt: When does it end?
18:23
Matt: Sunrise.
18:28
Matt: I thought you were gonna come up with like 320.
18:34
Eric: Oh man.
18:35
Eric: You get eight minutes of miller time.
18:37
Eric: Sunrise is when you deal with the with the consequences of Miller time.
18:41
Eric: Yeah.
18:43
Eric: Yes, that's sunrise is consequent time.
18:45
Eric: It's when all the sins, it's when the world knows what you've done.
18:48
Matt: That's that that's sunrise is when Miller time ends and consequence time begins.
18:53
Matt: Yes.
18:56
Matt: Okay.
18:57
Matt: There you have it, folks.
18:58
Matt: Yeah.
18:59
Matt: Uh Milla time, in case you were wondering, which you were not, because I asked the question.
19:05
Matt: That is at 3 12 a.m.
19:08
Matt: Now, speaking of questions, Eric, yeah, shortly uh uh after we began this episode, we did something different.
19:14
Matt: Yeah.
19:14
Matt: And I want I want you to.
19:15
Eric: You pulled a wildcard maneuver.
19:17
Matt: I pulled a wild card maneuver.
19:18
Matt: We made a post on the Instagram uh advertising that we were recording right now, so we could very well get some live questions.
19:28
Eric: Not like right now.
19:30
Matt: Yeah, what you're listening to is a recording.
19:32
Eric: I missed the train.
19:33
Matt: Yeah, this is not live.
19:34
Matt: You can push pause and play, and I'll start right where I left off.
19:37
Eric: Yeah, that won't change anything.
19:39
Matt: No.
19:40
Matt: But for us, it would be live unfiltered questions.
19:44
Matt: So it's sexy.
19:45
Matt: So I'm you know, I got the uh I got the Instagram feed up in front of me just in case anything pops up.
19:50
Matt: But in the meantime, we do have uh uh we do have another question, Eric.
19:54
Eric: Yep.
19:54
Matt: Don't we?
19:55
Eric: We do.
19:56
Eric: Matthew, our next question, this is from good friend of the pod, Alex Kafarakis, asks if the human population disappeared, what species do you think would take over?
20:10
Matt: Now, I think the wording of this question is imperative.
20:13
Matt: Thank you.
20:15
Matt: Because I think anyone who's spent any time on this earth, any time, I'm talking a minute, has heard the old anecdote the cockroaches were here before us, they'll be here after us.
20:28
Matt: But cockroaches are just survivors.
20:32
Matt: They are not, they are not dictatorship material, okay?
20:36
Eric: Yeah, oh yeah, and let's be real They're not Napoleon.
20:38
Eric: Napoleon is not a cockroach.
20:41
Eric: No, no, no, no, no.
20:42
Eric: And and and let's be real, cockroaches are very good at what they do.
20:46
Eric: Staying cockroaches.
20:48
Eric: You know what I mean?
20:49
Eric: Like they're not what is it that they do?
20:52
Eric: Yeah, just being cockroaches.
20:54
Eric: They're great at being them.
20:56
Eric: They but evolutionary-wise, yeah, I think we can all agree we've hit a dead end.
21:04
Eric: Now there are evolutionary dead ends that are sad.
21:06
Eric: For example, the panda.
21:09
Eric: Because that you look at that and you're like, bye.
21:13
Eric: You're writing off the panda?
21:14
Eric: I'm oh, honey.
21:16
Eric: Uh, short, short of some pulling some sixth-day illegal panda cloning, which I fully endorse.
21:25
Eric: Okay.
21:26
Eric: I think the panda's a dead end.
21:27
Eric: I think I think the panda was on the outs before we even got involved.
21:32
Matt: Oh, interesting.
21:33
Matt: Way to put it off of humans.
21:34
Eric: And I say this, oh no, no, no.
21:37
Eric: We're responsible for that.
21:38
Eric: Okay, Matt, we're responsible for the pandas declining the same way I'm responsible for hitting a deer with my car that had an arrow sticking out of it.
21:48
Eric: You know what I mean?
21:49
Matt: Okay, this is feeling like a real life example.
21:52
Matt: What happened last night?
21:54
Eric: All I'm saying, Matt, is we can't prove one way or the other.
22:00
Eric: Other that that deer wasn't just gonna die anyway.
22:04
Matt: Uh well, in the sense that it was going to die anyway, eventually.
22:09
Matt: I don't know that it was going to die last night when you hit it with your fucking car.
22:14
Matt: Where's the arrow coming from?
22:15
Eric: I'm I'm I'm peering down the my telescope of time.
22:19
Eric: I'm looking towards the future of humans.
22:21
Eric: Alright, that that look I'm seeing some Blade Runner-esque, potentially scary scenarios, but oh, oh, there's some space exploration, maybe?
22:29
Eric: Oh, what's that?
22:30
Eric: Oh, colonizing other planets?
22:32
Eric: Oh my god.
22:33
Eric: Let me let me look down the telescope at the panda.
22:36
Eric: Oh, sitting around looking sad, eating bamboo.
22:40
Eric: To death.
22:41
Eric: But they're still there.
22:43
Eric: Eh I hold on.
22:45
Eric: Much, much, much like the ghost of Christmas present.
22:49
Eric: I I see a corner with an empty stool.
22:52
Eric: I see a piece of bamboo not being eaten.
22:54
Matt: Why does the panda have a stool?
22:56
Matt: Is it giving a TED talk?
22:57
Eric: You ever seen a panda sit?
22:58
Eric: Looks like they barely sit under their own power.
23:02
Eric: Welcome to You Didn't Ask For This.
23:04
Eric: I spend an hour and a half talking shit about pandas.
23:08
Matt: So the question.
23:09
Eric: So the question.
23:10
Eric: I like pandas.
23:11
Eric: I don't have anything against pandas.
23:12
Eric: Don't get at me.
23:13
Matt: So the question.
23:14
Eric: So the question.
23:15
Matt: So the question specifically mentions do what do we think would take over?
23:21
Matt: This to me implies a hostile takeover.
23:25
Eric: Yes.
23:26
Eric: A species, not and when I say take over, not just the most of.
23:32
Eric: Because by that metric, humans aren't even in charge now.
23:37
Matt: Right.
23:37
Matt: And I do want to point out that we are we are getting dangerously close to describing the plot of the film and franchise, The Planet of the Apes.
23:46
Matt: True.
23:47
Matt: So I want to rule out apes.
23:49
Matt: Yep, we're ruling out apes.
23:50
Matt: All prime apes are out because it's very easy.
23:53
Matt: We had our run, didn't go well.
23:55
Matt: It's someone else's turn up to bat.
23:57
Matt: And frankly, Primates had Primates had their run.
24:01
Matt: Yeah.
24:01
Matt: Okay?
24:02
Matt: They turned into us.
24:03
Matt: And look what we did.
24:04
Matt: Ultimately, nothing.
24:05
Matt: We sucked.
24:06
Matt: We we made podcasts.
24:07
Eric: We made podcasts and we blew each other up.
24:10
Matt: And then we blew up the planet, and here we are.
24:12
Eric: Miller time.
24:12
Matt: Miller time.
24:14
Matt: So before that happened at 312.
24:16
Matt: After the Miller time of humanity.
24:18
Matt: When this species realized that humans were going to.
24:22
Matt: Yep, they really are going to fuck up the planet all the way to all the way to it the stones that built it.
24:29
Matt: The stones of which life exists on top of.
24:32
Matt: Yep.
24:32
Matt: So somebody interfered.
24:34
Matt: And who, or I should say, what was that species?
24:37
Eric: Okay, so wait, so you're framing this as a species overthrowing us?
24:42
Eric: I am, yeah.
24:43
Eric: Okay.
24:43
Eric: I thought the question was if the human if we just if we disappeared, say we went extinct.
24:47
Matt: It did say disappeared.
24:49
Matt: You know, you're right.
24:49
Matt: You're right.
24:50
Matt: The first half of the question does say if the human population disappeared.
24:53
Eric: Who's most likely?
24:54
Eric: There's a power vacuum.
24:56
Eric: Or rather, there is an So it's not a hostile takeover.
24:59
Matt: Not a it's not an hostile execution of humans.
25:03
Eric: Exactly.
25:04
Eric: It'll probably be like a a species, you know, claiming sovereignty over the earth.
25:09
Matt: You think there's a power battle?
25:11
Matt: There's a there's a battle for the top spot?
25:14
Matt: Uh at the there will be at level Without us, does the food chain like is there a competition for the food pyramid?
25:23
Eric: See, I think without us, we've created the vacuum for for for species to return and thrive.
25:32
Eric: You know what I mean?
25:32
Eric: We're re- it's it's kind of a it's gonna be probably a million years or so of reset.
25:37
Eric: Give or take.
25:37
Eric: Give or take.
25:39
Eric: And then once we're in this thriving, who thrives just enough to win out over the other ones?
25:46
Eric: Do I think there are multiples raising at once?
25:49
Eric: I think that's fun to explore.
25:51
Eric: Because I think we should each pick a faction.
25:54
Matt: Okay.
25:55
Eric: Give the pros context.
25:56
Matt: You mean each of us?
25:57
Eric: Each of us.
25:57
Matt: Okay.
25:58
Eric: Um, I have my answer.
25:59
Matt: Oh, you've selected your your your champion already.
26:03
Eric: I have my champion.
26:04
Eric: And it's uh I'm I'm I'm a I'm an underdog kind of kind of.
26:08
Matt: Alright, put your and and introduce me to this uh to this American gladiator.
26:13
Matt: Dolphins.
26:14
Eric: Dolphins.
26:15
Eric: Dolphins.
26:16
Matt: Okay.
26:17
Eric: Underdog in the respect that high intelligence, that's not in dispute.
26:20
Eric: Very intelligent.
26:21
Eric: Uh, is bound to water.
26:25
Matt: That was gonna be my question.
26:26
Matt: How does how does the dolphin conquer land, Eric?
26:30
Matt: How does how does the dolphin take over Montana?
26:33
Eric: I feel like legs are passe.
26:34
Eric: I think.
26:35
Eric: Okay, well you might feel that way, but I think dolphins all right, hear me out.
26:40
Eric: Eventually, dolphins develop a freak mutation, they develop a gliding sort of ability.
26:48
Eric: So instead of crawling up on land, they actually go, they skip the fucking middleman.
26:53
Eric: They go from sea to air.
26:55
Eric: Starts like they're like flying fish, gliding for short amount of time, then eventually those motherfuckers can flap.
27:00
Eric: They're already good at flapping just underwater.
27:03
Eric: Think about it.
27:05
Matt: Okay.
27:07
Matt: Okay.
27:08
Matt: So they you're saying that they they they flip-flop their way up to the to the surface of the ocean, and then they just keep going.
27:17
Matt: Like they're swimming through air now.
27:18
Eric: Well, yeah.
27:19
Eric: Well, they're they become birds, essentially.
27:22
Eric: They become amphibious birds.
27:24
Matt: Okay, okay, okay.
27:26
Eric: Yeah.
27:27
Matt: And I think I so I think that you are correct in I think you I think you I think you're smart to pick somebody who's already, I think you're very smart to pick somebody who already has uh the ability to be in the water.
27:43
Eric: Ability to be in the water, ability to coordinate and coordinate murders.
27:47
Eric: Dolphins do that.
27:48
Matt: Now, if you can evolve your champion to uh be able to be in the in the in the in the air, not even in the land.
27:57
Matt: We're free forming it.
27:58
Matt: Then I would like my champion to do the same for water because mine is a land-based animal.
28:04
Matt: Oh, so w land to sea.
28:06
Matt: Land to sea, and they're basically already in the air, and they'll be able to do it all.
28:11
Matt: And I'm talking about an animal with malicious intent.
28:16
Matt: An animal that is known to all mankind as being devious, as being sneak, as being intelligent, and as being and as being diabolical in their schemes.
28:33
Matt: I speak, of course, of the squirrel.
28:35
Matt: I fucking knew it.
28:36
Matt: The squirrel.
28:37
Matt: Yep, the squirrel will conquer this planet.
28:42
Matt: They will learn to swim through the depths, and they will be unstoppable because they are already so nimble.
28:48
Matt: They're small.
28:48
Matt: Can you imagine a dolphin trying to catch a squirrel?
28:51
Matt: No way.
28:52
Matt: The squirrel will run rings around that dolphin.
28:55
Matt: And probably their tail has gotten even bigger.
28:57
Matt: It can deploy, it can strangle the dolphin like a game.
29:00
Eric: Oh, okay.
29:01
Eric: Okay, we're we're okay, we're going ham.
29:03
Eric: Um, so the squirrel is going on around before the bushy master.
29:10
Eric: So I'm assuming these assholes are gonna want to keep their fur.
29:13
Eric: So we're looking almost like an otter situation.
29:17
Eric: You know.
29:18
Eric: Could be.
29:19
Eric: Squirrels of the water.
29:20
Eric: Could be.
29:21
Eric: But like can breathe underwater.
29:23
Eric: Haven't thought it through.
29:26
Matt: Couldn't could be.
29:29
Matt: But uh there's already the flying squirrel, so they basically already fly.
29:33
Eric: Yeah, so we're getting an amalgam of the flying squirrel and the otter here.
29:37
Matt: And I'd like to point out that there is there is already precedent for squirrels existing under the ocean in uh sandy cheeks from SpongeBob SquarePoint.
29:48
Eric: Okay.
29:49
Eric: Okay.
29:50
Eric: No, I will accept that.
29:52
Eric: You you will.
29:53
Eric: As the as the fucking academia on the subject.
29:58
Eric: Um there's my critical research.
30:00
Eric: Yeah.
30:01
Eric: No, that's fair.
30:02
Eric: So we're looking at a war between the sky dolphins and the sea squirrels.
30:10
Matt: Yes, I think so.
30:11
Matt: Unless they work together.
30:12
Eric: Well, that, see, I think it'll be an initial working together.
30:17
Eric: Because both of these species are very not well, not necessarily malicious.
30:22
Eric: They are cunning.
30:23
Eric: They are they are dealing with.
30:25
Eric: But like they have they're tricksy.
30:27
Eric: You know what I mean?
30:28
Matt: They're tricksy.
30:29
Eric: They're not, I wouldn't call them evil, but they're tricksy.
30:32
Eric: Squirrels?
30:33
Eric: Yeah.
30:34
Eric: I think they're I think they've got some evil in them.
30:37
Eric: Okay.
30:37
Eric: Well, to be fair, species need a certain amount of evil in them.
30:41
Eric: And dolphins murder things all the time.
30:44
Eric: All the time.
30:45
Eric: Kill kill people.
30:46
Eric: Um And they're coordinated to like a sociopath level of uh Yeah, and they did that on their own.
30:54
Eric: Yeah, yeah, that was all in them.
30:55
Eric: Didn't even didn't need me giving them giving them wings.
30:58
Matt: Um SeaWorld did nothing for them.
31:01
Matt: Well, I shouldn't say it did nothing for them.
31:03
Matt: It did pretty well.
31:04
Eric: I will say this dolphins might have that edge.
31:08
Matt: Oh, from being from being tortured.
31:11
Eric: Yes, but like but having learned the villainy you teach me, I will execute kind of stuff.
31:17
Matt: Yes, yes.
31:19
Eric: They they've seen how the how the humans did their thing.
31:23
Eric: Um, and they're either gonna go one of two ways.
31:25
Eric: They're gonna go the we will never be them, or we would better.
31:30
Matt: I think I think there will be a population of them that is militarized.
31:36
Matt: That are that are that are uh I should say that are radicalized.
31:41
Eric: Oh yeah.
31:42
Eric: Radicalized dolphins.
31:45
Matt: Yes.
31:46
Matt: Radicalized dolphins.
31:49
Eric: What kind what what tell me about the squirrels, Matt.
31:52
Eric: Like what is their do they have a theology?
31:56
Eric: What is their social structure?
31:58
Matt: Their social structure, I think, uh, you know, they don't seem to my uh listen, I've observed some squirrels.
32:07
Matt: They don't seem to like other species, and they don't seem to be too fond of each other.
32:12
Matt: No, I never see them they're very they don't trust anybody.
32:16
Eric: Yeah, when I see them, they're either fighting or fucking.
32:19
Matt: They have that parent or desperately storing away their means for survival.
32:24
Matt: Yeah.
32:26
Matt: So I feel as though they're very they, you know, they're forward thinkers.
32:30
Matt: They think they're always thinking ahead, they're always prepared for the worst, and they're always ready to fight.
32:37
Matt: They're ready to fight and flight.
32:39
Matt: They've got flight and fight going on.
32:41
Eric: They are ready to fight, and in fact, the more you talk about this, more advantages I'm seeing to squirrels.
32:46
Matt: So consider The squirrels can take the mountains.
32:51
Matt: How does a dolphin conquer a mountain?
32:53
Eric: And that's what I'm getting at.
32:54
Eric: Don't squirrels have a lot of staying power.
32:57
Eric: I feel like don't.
33:00
Eric: Can you imagine?
33:00
SPEAKER_04: Can I No, go ahead.
33:03
SPEAKER_04: No, no, no.
33:05
Eric: I was gonna say, I feel like dolphins will be glass cannons.
33:11
Eric: They will be capable of wreaking devastating, you know, offensive maneuvers.
33:17
SPEAKER_04: Uh-huh.
33:17
Eric: But they rely on numbers.
33:20
Eric: If you get them by themselves, probably probably overcome them.
33:24
Eric: Um whereas squirrels are like individual units with a lot of survivability.
33:31
Eric: That's where they put all their points.
33:33
Eric: They're they're they're good at they're good at maintaining the species, which very often in evolution is really at the end of the day all you gotta do.
33:42
Matt: The squirrels are always looking out for the squirrels.
33:46
Eric: Yeah.
33:49
Matt: And I want to paint a picture for you, real quick.
33:51
Eric: Paint me a picture.
33:52
Eric: Paint me a picture.
33:53
Matt: Well, give me a predator.
33:54
Matt: Just give me a predator.
33:56
Matt: A cougar.
33:57
Matt: A cougar.
33:58
Matt: Let's say you've got a cougar there.
34:00
Matt: The cougar's making its play to take over some area, okay?
34:06
Matt: But the squirrels, having thought this through, have the numbers.
34:11
Matt: Who do you think wins?
34:13
Matt: A cougar or a hundred squirrels?
34:16
Eric: Coordinated squirrels.
34:17
Matt: Coordinated squirrels.
34:20
Eric: That's the squirrels.
34:22
Matt: That's the squirrels.
34:22
Matt: That's squirrels.
34:23
Matt: That's what I'm saying.
34:24
Matt: They're small, but they have the numbers.
34:27
Eric: And they're also, I feel like, more used to being they would have to develop their predatory instincts a bit more.
34:36
SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
34:37
Eric: But their prey instincts give them a lot of good insight into I I don't feel like dolphins don't typically have to worry about getting eaten.
34:46
Eric: It's rare because they'll they'll gang up and murder shit.
34:49
Eric: It's not that they don't get eaten, but it's kind of a tragedy when it happens.
34:52
Eric: Right.
34:53
Eric: Squirrels, you know, your your your cousin your your brother or sister gets like ripped in half by a cougar.
35:00
Eric: That's Tuesday.
35:01
Matt: That's Tuesday, baby.
35:02
Matt: That's Tuesday.
35:03
Matt: That's Thursday.
35:04
Matt: You've got revenge.
35:06
Eric: Yeah.
35:07
Matt: So do you think we need to pick a winner between the dolphins and the squirrels, or is it just the dolphins and the squirrels?
35:14
Eric: Matt.
35:14
Matt: Do they join forces?
35:15
Eric: We didn't even talk about the third shadow faction.
35:21
Matt: Okay.
35:23
Matt: Ravens.
35:25
Eric: Ravens?
35:27
Eric: Ravens, Matt.
35:29
Eric: Do you know how fucking intelligent ravens are?
35:32
Matt: They're very smart.
35:33
Eric: How terrifyingly intelligent ravens are.
35:37
Matt: They are, and they're they're like the universal symbol of evil.
35:40
Matt: I understand.
35:40
Eric: We don't have to get heavy into it, but I just want to say, I think where ravens would fall in this, they're watching those two fight it out, and they're just waiting for them to be punched drunk and one side to get eliminated, where they kind of swoop in and go, oh hey, by the way.
35:57
Matt: How about this?
35:58
Matt: How about this?
35:59
Eric: Yep.
36:00
Matt: What we've just described are three naturally placed animal species.
36:09
Matt: The dolphins emerge as the king of the sea.
36:15
Matt: The squirrels conquer the land.
36:18
Matt: And the ravens those wise waiting ravens conquer the air.
36:27
Eric: I fucking love this.
36:30
Matt: It would be the most tenuous piece.
36:33
Matt: Yes, they all work out a tenuous piece that says Together we three shall rule this world, and no human will ever enter it again.
36:46
Eric: Hell yeah.
36:48
Eric: Hell yeah.
36:49
Matt: Snaps.
36:50
Matt: Snaps.
36:50
Matt: Snaps, baby.
36:51
Matt: Snaps, baby.
36:53
Matt: Snaps for this trio.
36:54
Eric: I would give anything.
36:56
Eric: Game of Thrones on a scale unheard of.
37:00
Matt: Yeah.
37:02
Matt: Yeah.
37:02
Matt: We the Ravens will be the messengers no more.
37:06
Matt: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
37:08
Matt: There's your tagline, HBO.
37:10
Matt: Alright.
37:11
Matt: Well, I think you've got your answer there, Alex Gafferbeckus.
37:14
Matt: Thank you for the question.
37:17
Matt: Let's check in, Eric.
37:18
Matt: Let's see what we got.
37:19
Matt: Where are we at?
37:20
Matt: See if see if we got anything in terms of uh questions.
37:26
SPEAKER_02: I see Matt.
37:27
SPEAKER_02: He's oh, he's casting the line into the sea of social media.
37:32
Matt: See of social media.
37:33
Matt: I also shared it on my account.
37:36
Matt: Oops, I just took a picture of my keyboard.
37:38
Matt: Uh nope, not gonna post that one.
37:46
Matt: No, I don't think so.
37:50
SPEAKER_01: That's what I heard.
37:51
SPEAKER_01: I heard great content.
37:53
SPEAKER_01: Heard the tell you get the algorithm.
37:56
Matt: Okay.
37:58
Matt: Okay.
37:59
Matt: Okay.
38:00
Matt: We have a question.
38:03
SPEAKER_00: Is that a toilet on the line?
38:05
Matt: We have one question, it looks like, on the line.
38:09
Matt: From who?
38:10
Matt: And that question comes from always a cookie.
38:14
Eric: Is that, and that's is that our good friend?
38:17
Matt: That's our good friend Andy Rawlings.
38:20
Eric: Who we went to school with who lives in Jolly Old England.
38:25
Eric: I'm sure he appreciates him cringe from a world away.
38:30
Eric: You character awesome as jolly old England.
38:34
Eric: Oh, it's just a little bit of fun, isn't it?
38:36
Matt: Oh yeah, I'm sure he loves it.
38:38
Matt: Anyway, his question is here's one for you.
38:42
Matt: When Mario dies, do you think he goes to heaven?
38:46
Matt: And if so, is the act of multiple lives torture for him by constantly pulling him away from uh he would consider paradise?
38:57
Matt: I'm gonna assume he meant pulling him away from what he would consider paradise.
39:02
Eric: So we got a couple things we need to establish.
39:06
Eric: Thank you, Andy.
39:07
Eric: Bless you.
39:08
Eric: Um, qu baseline question we need to address: what happens when Mario dies?
39:17
Eric: In it is it has been it has been put forward that he potentially goes to a to a heaven of sorts.
39:24
Matt: We have a scenario on the table where Mario is dead.
39:28
Matt: Luigi in mourning.
39:30
Eric: Yes.
39:31
Eric: It Mario has met the last Miller time.
39:36
Matt: He's he is Millered his last time.
39:38
Eric: Yes.
39:39
Matt: So what happens when Mario dies?
39:42
Matt: And I don't think we need to be concerned.
39:44
Matt: Do we need to do we need to be concerned about how he died?
39:48
Matt: No, he's right.
39:49
Matt: He does die over and over again.
39:52
Eric: Yeah.
39:53
Eric: Well, maybe that's the key.
39:55
Eric: Maybe there's something he so he appears to be in a sixth day situation that I mentioned earlier.
40:04
Eric: He like he keeps there because he knows it's known information that there is at the start of the game, there's four of him.
40:14
Matt: Well, yeah, but he can have more than that.
40:16
Matt: He can earn more.
40:17
Matt: He can.
40:18
Matt: He can.
40:20
Eric: But like we know there's a finite amount that can be increased, but eventually if that amount runs out, it's it's it's donezo.
40:31
Matt: It's over.
40:33
Matt: It's game over.
40:37
Matt: Do you think he goes to heaven?
40:38
Matt: Is what always is a cookie put to us first.
40:41
Matt: What when he dies, do you think he goes to heaven?
40:44
Matt: He didn't actually say what happens when he dies.
40:47
Matt: He says, Do you think he goes to heaven?
40:51
Eric: Man, I'm gonna hit I'm just gonna cut.
40:53
Matt: Now there now we know we know Mario has experience in the clouds.
40:58
Eric: Yes.
40:59
Eric: That's that's what I'm that's what I'm kind of getting at.
41:02
Matt: He's been up there, there are pirate ships up there.
41:04
Eric: There are pirate ships up there.
41:07
Eric: I my supposition is that if there is a heaven, Mario isn't going there when he dies.
41:16
Eric: He's going there when he beats the game.
41:20
Eric: I think Mario is presently in hell.
41:25
Eric: Oh.
41:27
Eric: Because he is stuck on an eternal, he is the the possibility of freedom is being dangled in front of him in the shape of Peach.
41:37
Eric: The game concludes happily ever after, that's him going to paradise.
41:42
Eric: But until then, he is in an endless loop of torment where he is always an inch from from being, you know, killed again and reliving death over and over and over.
41:53
Eric: And if he dies too, but he can't just keep dying, he can't just hide and keep dying.
41:57
Eric: The clock will run out.
41:58
Eric: He is compelled to go forward.
42:02
Eric: And if he gets killed enough, then it's eternal darkness.
42:07
Eric: And there's nothingness.
42:10
Matt: You're saying there's eternal darkness if he does not make it to heaven.
42:14
Eric: If he gets game over, yeah.
42:17
Eric: His options are eternal darkness, eternal struggle, and paradise.
42:23
Matt: Mmm.
42:24
Matt: Mmm, that's a toss-up.
42:26
Eric: And I think from what I from best I can see, he has the option to emerge from the darkness to attempt the run again.
42:32
Eric: That would be mere you, you know, hitting reset power, but he's entirely at the whim of of beings outside of his control or even knowledge of their existence.
42:42
Matt: Okay, so to his point of it is the act of multiple lives torture for him by constantly pulling him away from what he would consider paradise?
42:53
Matt: Now he said, and so he is implying that what he's living now is paradise.
42:58
Matt: I'm disagreeing.
42:59
Matt: So do you think so it's I think he's saying, do you do we think it's torture for him to constantly be put through this ringer in the in the mushroom kingdom?
43:10
Eric: I think it's torture.
43:12
Eric: I also don't know, like is it reincarnation?
43:16
Eric: You do you think he just wants to die?
43:18
Eric: No, I don't think he wants to die.
43:20
Eric: Well, I think if he had the option to like just die and go to heaven, yeah, yeah.
43:26
Eric: I I I that's why I'm thinking this is like uh Matt, let me let me ask you this.
43:32
Eric: Ask it to me, baby.
43:33
Eric: Let me ask you this.
43:35
Eric: Alright.
43:36
Eric: Yep.
43:37
Eric: Alright.
43:38
Eric: Matt.
43:39
Matt: Yes.
43:40
Eric: So let's consider the following.
43:45
Matt: Let's consider it.
43:46
Eric: When you're playing Super Mario Bros., I'm there.
43:49
Eric: You are playing through worlds.
43:52
Eric: Okay.
43:53
Eric: When you're not playing through these worlds, you're at like the start menu, you're you're you're waiting around.
44:00
Eric: You're you're you're at the map, you're you're and you can stay at the start menu or the map as long as you want.
44:10
Eric: Yep.
44:11
Eric: Matthew.
44:13
Eric: How many worlds are in Super Mario?
44:16
Matt: Uh you know, without looking it up, I'm not sure.
44:20
Matt: I'm gonna say nine?
44:22
Matt: Close.
44:23
Matt: It's eight.
44:24
Matt: Eight, okay.
44:25
Eric: But we could consider the start menu, the map.
44:30
Eric: We could consider that another layer, like the topmost layer above these eight layers.
44:36
Matt: The start menu.
44:37
Matt: Yeah.
44:37
Matt: Because isn't the map just the map of the current world?
44:40
Eric: Yes.
44:41
Eric: But like, metaphysically, it occupies a different space.
44:45
Eric: It doesn't require anything of Mario.
44:47
Eric: He can just stay looking at the at the framework.
44:50
Eric: Matt, how many circles of hell are there?
44:54
Eric: Nine.
44:55
Eric: We have eight worlds, and we have our first circle of hell, which is limbo.
45:00
Eric: Uh-huh.
45:01
Eric: We have our nine circles of hell in Super Mario that he has to fight through to escape.
45:08
Matt: Wait, you've lost me.
45:10
Matt: We have eight worlds.
45:11
Eric: Eight worlds.
45:12
Matt: Nine circles of hell.
45:13
Matt: Nine circles of hell.
45:14
Matt: You're referencing Dante's Inferno, right?
45:16
Matt: Nine circles.
45:17
Eric: First circle of hell is limbo.
45:19
Eric: It is that negative space where like it where nothing really happens.
45:27
Matt: Yes, yes.
45:28
Matt: I'm with you.
45:29
Matt: First circle of hell for Dante's Inferno, we got a limbo.
45:33
Eric: Start menu.
45:35
Eric: Then we move on to World 1-1.
45:38
Matt: Second limbo of Linux.
45:41
Eric: Yep.
45:43
Matt: See, let's talk about it.
45:44
Matt: World 1-1 is is lust.
45:48
Matt: Second circle of hell, lust.
45:50
Eric: Well, he's lusting after Peach, I suppose, but he's he's already it's the it's the inciting He's already romantically involved with Pete.
45:57
Matt: Okay, sure.
45:58
Matt: Okay, okay.
46:00
Matt: Sure, yeah.
46:01
Matt: I would say I would argue that there's love there, though.
46:04
Matt: There I would argue they're already an item, but I'll give it to you.
46:09
Matt: For the metaphor to work.
46:11
Eric: Well, she's been taken from him, so that's why he's lusting.
46:14
Eric: Um next level is gluttony.
46:18
Eric: Gluttony.
46:19
Eric: He's always after those coins.
46:21
Eric: After coins, after mushrooms, like trying to like gather, gather, gather, because that's how you get more lives.
46:26
Eric: That's how you get more cavity.
46:28
Matt: Even when some of those mushrooms do him harm.
46:32
Eric: Yes.
46:32
Eric: Lost level two.
46:33
Matt: Eat those mushrooms no matter what the fuck they look like.
46:36
Eric: Green or red.
46:37
Eric: Don't even give a fuck.
46:38
Matt: Then we have after gluttony.
46:39
Matt: Actually, the green mushrooms are one-ups, so I guess those are good too.
46:43
Eric: Uh let's see.
46:46
Matt: Greed is our next circle, I believe.
46:48
Eric: Yeah.
46:49
Eric: That's why I would say gluttony is the mushrooms.
46:51
Eric: This is where we get our coins.
46:53
Eric: Gotta have the coins.
46:54
Eric: Yes.
46:54
Eric: Coins, coins, coins always give me more points.
46:57
Eric: Everything.
46:57
Eric: Alright.
46:58
Matt: I'm in.
46:59
Eric: I'm interested in what you've got ready for five.
47:01
Eric: Next oh, Wrath.
47:04
Eric: So rat, he's he's killing every single creature he comes across.
47:09
Eric: Like he's crushing Goombas.
47:11
Eric: He's destroying turtles.
47:14
Eric: He's kill he's throwing bosses into lava.
47:19
Eric: That is that shit is a good thing.
47:20
Matt: Okay, now to be fair, Bowser is pretty evil.
47:24
Matt: Alright.
47:25
Matt: Now, sixth, heresy.
47:30
Matt: What do you got for us for heresy?
47:32
Eric: Alright.
47:33
Eric: Alright, hold on.
47:33
Eric: I'm getting there.
47:34
Eric: I'm getting there.
47:36
Matt: Alright, yeah.
47:37
Matt: Work it, work it out in your brain.
47:40
Matt: Didn't get all the way down the inferno when he suggested this idea.
47:44
Matt: No, no, I'm watching you squirm.
47:46
Matt: What is the heretic Mario up to?
47:49
Eric: Oh, well, he does he does experience heresy.
47:56
Eric: This might be a bit of a stretch.
47:57
Eric: I'm asking you to come with an open mind.
48:00
Matt: Alright, I'm here.
48:01
Matt: It's open.
48:02
Eric: Peach, I found you.
48:03
Eric: Sorry, Mario.
48:05
Eric: Our princess is in another castle.
48:10
Matt: That's heresy on to him.
48:12
Matt: Yes.
48:13
Eric: Yeah, he's being pun.
48:14
Eric: Yeah, he is being he's being subject, he's experiencing it in some way.
48:19
Matt: Okay.
48:20
Matt: Okay.
48:21
Eric: Alright.
48:22
Matt: Now, we've already sort of covered circle seven of violence.
48:28
Eric: Yes.
48:28
Eric: Well, wrath is revenge, so I would say that's against Bowser's progeny and his children.
48:34
Eric: They have wronged him, so Mario's gonna cast them into the lava.
48:37
Eric: Violence, I mean, fucking you kill a t a turtle and then use his shell to kill his other friends.
48:44
Eric: It's violent as fuck.
48:46
Matt: Okay, alright.
48:49
Matt: Moving on.
48:50
Eric: Fraud.
48:52
Eric: Yes.
48:53
Eric: Panderers and seducers, flatterers, sorcerers and false prophets, liars and thieves.
49:02
Matt: Eric Poach is about to make the case for why Mario Mario is a fraud.
49:08
Matt: Eric, the floor is yours.
49:10
Matt: You are going to call the world's favorite plumber, Mario Mario, a fraud.
49:16
Matt: How?
49:18
Eric: I didn't see him fix one fucking pipe in that entire game.
49:24
Eric: Tell me how many times you've seen Mario Mario the plumber actually fucking plum.
49:31
Matt: Folks, he's done it again.
49:34
Matt: You're through another circle, Eric.
49:35
Matt: You threw another circle.
49:37
Matt: They said you couldn't do it, but goddammit, you did it.
49:40
Matt: He didn't fix anything.
49:43
Matt: Alright.
49:44
Matt: Alright, he is no plumber.
49:47
Matt: And that brings us to number nine.
49:49
Eric: Treachery, the final circle.
49:51
Eric: And this one's this one's easy.
49:52
Eric: You know what happens after Mario beats the fucking game?
49:55
Eric: You start the game over, and all of the enemies are harder.
50:00
Eric: He has been betrayed.
50:03
Eric: There is no heaven, there is no paradise, there is no peach in another castle.
50:08
Eric: You will do this and it will only get harder and worse, and you will watch your friends die.
50:16
Matt: Wow.
50:18
Matt: Eric, you have you have painted a very compelling picture that Mario Mario is already in hell, and we are we are Virgil leading him through the dark.
50:35
Matt: Yeah and all of this makes me ask are you are you saying that the answer to the question of when Mario dies, do you think he goes to heaven is really Mario's already been dead?
50:51
Eric: Yes, he is in hell.
50:53
Eric: My god.
50:54
Eric: Yeah.
50:55
Eric: Chew on that one, kids.
50:58
Matt: Well, uh I don't know how we're gonna recover from this, but there you have it, always a cookie.
51:05
Matt: Mario's already dead.
51:07
Matt: Thanks for bringing that to our attention.
51:11
Matt: I'm gonna cry now.
51:13
Matt: But before I do, Eric, should we uh should we go back to the war wonderful world of local legends?
51:21
Eric: Oh, please, baby, please.
51:24
Matt: Would you I don't remember the order we went last time.
51:27
Matt: Do you want to go first or do you want me to go first?
51:29
Eric: I'll go first because mine's actually video game related.
51:32
Matt: Oh, how topical, please.
51:34
Matt: Oh yeah.
51:35
Matt: As you were.
51:36
Eric: Matt, have you ever heard of a video game?
51:38
Eric: It's an old arcade game called Polybius.
51:43
Matt: I have because I also was looking at this as a possibility from my local legend.
51:50
Eric: Oh, I was wondering how wild it would be.
51:52
Eric: I wondered like the likelihood that we would everist for this episode.
51:59
Eric: Yeah, I I was I was debating on this for a while, but then yeah.
52:03
Matt: Give it to me.
52:04
Eric: Polybius is an urban legend that originated in the early 2000s.
52:11
Eric: Um, concerning a fictitious 1980s card game.
52:16
Eric: Uh uh, not card concerning a fictitious, and you can't see it, but I'm doing air quotes.
52:22
Matt: Air quotes are there, I can confirm.
52:24
Eric: A fictitious 1980s arcade game.
52:28
Matt: Yes.
52:28
Eric: And this originated around uh Portland, Oregon.
52:32
Eric: So this is like out on the west coast.
52:35
Eric: The story talks about this arcade game called Polybius, uh like standard old school arcade cabinet that apparently started appearing in suburbs around Portland, Oregon.
52:50
Eric: And legend has it that Polybius was so popular that it was addicting, that like there were huge lines forming, people would physically get into altercations over who got to play next.
53:05
Matt: Right.
53:06
Eric: There were also rumors about, you know, men in black, like dudes in black suits and ties and all that, you know, government age and stuff visiting the machines.
53:17
Eric: Uh so apparently visiting the machines doing what maintenance?
53:24
Eric: Collecting data is is the is the theory.
53:28
Eric: What they a lot of people think Polybius was about was that this was some sort of psychoactive experiment by the United States government.
53:40
Eric: Players supposedly suffered from amnesia, insomnia, night terrors, and hallucinations.
53:48
Eric: And approximately one month after its supposed release in 1981, Polybius is said to have disappeared without a trace.
53:56
Eric: So the idea is like this was released around suburbs in Portland, Oregon for about a year, was exploding, hugely popular, addicting people were fighting over it, weird government agents were collecting data from it, and then it just they all disappeared.
54:12
Eric: And then it was all gone.
54:13
Eric: All gone.
54:14
Eric: Disappeared without a trace, which is why people typically refer to it as an urban legend, because there's there's no some people have actually come forward and said they worked on Polybius, or that they, you know, they worked for the company that made Polybius.
54:35
Eric: Uh, let's see.
54:36
Eric: And you're calling these people liars.
54:38
Eric: No, I'm not calling them liars at all.
54:41
Eric: I I I am fully prepared to believe that the government tried to here's what I think.
54:45
Eric: If you want my real talk.
54:47
Eric: I uh what else are we here for, Eric?
54:49
Eric: Do I think the United States government successfully made a video game that was so addictive it could cause people to fist fight each other?
54:57
Eric: No, probably not.
54:59
Eric: I do I would not put it past the United States government in the 1980s at the height of like Red Scare to try to make something like that and failed.
55:14
Matt: Yeah.
55:14
Eric: I would not be surprised at all if it was much like many like United States Psyop operations.
55:21
Eric: They they certainly tried.
55:23
Matt: They certainly, I mean, they tried all number of things like this.
55:27
Eric: And they failed, took the machines out, and rumors did their own thing.
55:32
Matt: My god, Eric.
55:33
Eric: Yeah.
55:35
Matt: You have done it again, I think.
55:37
Matt: Uh, you're painting a good picture of them trying, at least.
55:40
Eric: They also tried.
55:41
Eric: There is also supposedly from someone, a man named Steven Roach claimed he had been one of the original programmers for Polybius.
55:50
Eric: Uh, and they the problem was that they had developed it with very intense and cutting-edge graphics, and according to him, a boy experienced an epileptic an epileptic seizure while playing, and the cabinets were withdrawn by the company in a panic.
56:05
Eric: But no proof of his claims.
56:08
Matt: Well, I have no problem believing that one of these original scientists that managed to stay alive all these years to tell the tale was a roach.
56:19
Matt: Ha! See what I did there.
56:22
Matt: See what I did there.
56:23
Matt: I see what you did there.
56:24
Matt: Yeah.
56:26
Matt: Wow.
56:27
Matt: So now when I was looking this up, I saw seem to recall that a couple of years ago, they put out like a real edition, like an actual game.
56:36
Eric: Some companies have have started like inspired by this, they've made Polybius.
56:42
Eric: Have you played it?
56:43
Eric: I have not played it.
56:44
Eric: I do wanna I do want to play it.
56:46
Matt: We gotta get our hands on this.
56:47
Eric: We gotta get our hands on and play it.
56:50
Matt: Wow.
56:51
Matt: Alright, well, thank you, Eric.
56:53
Matt: Quite uh uh and if anyone out there has played this game, if anyone knows please get at us.
57:01
Matt: Get at us.
57:02
Matt: Now, for my local legend, Eric, I thought I thought since the last time we turned to this source, we got such gold.
57:15
Matt: I thought I would read you another passage from fearsome creatures of the lumber woods with a few desert and mountain beasts by William T.
57:28
Matt: Cox.
57:29
SPEAKER_00: Yes!
57:30
Matt: Yes, allow me to talk to you about the Shagamaw.
57:37
Eric: I'll fucking give it to me.
57:39
Matt: Or, as William T.
57:40
Matt: Cox put it, the Tote Road Shagamaw.
57:43
Eric: Fucking course.
57:44
Matt: Uh or as he called it a bipedester delissimus d delusimus.
57:52
Eric: He really couldn't decide on a name for a thing, huh?
57:57
Matt: Well, he included scientific names.
57:59
Matt: The man's a scientist, Eric.
58:01
Eric: Yeah.
58:01
Matt: Alright.
58:02
Matt: I think what I'm gonna do is I'm just gonna read you the passage because I have discovered two things about this book.
58:07
Eric: Uh-huh.
58:08
Matt: One, there is an edition that is all online that you can just look at.
58:14
Matt: And two, and I think I know what I'm about to do.
58:18
Matt: This book is available on Amazon.com for$9.99, and there is only 10 left in stock for the paperback.
58:26
unknown: Buy it.
58:27
Matt: I'm gonna buy it.
58:28
Matt: In fact, you know what?
58:29
Matt: Buy I'm clicking the buy now.
58:30
Matt: Buy it now, folks.
58:31
Matt: I'm seeing it.
58:32
Eric: Uh clip it.
58:33
Matt: Here we go.
58:33
Matt: Password.
58:34
Eric: See his credit card information.
58:35
Matt: Click.
58:36
Matt: Fill.
58:37
Matt: Order placed.
58:38
Eric: Excellent.
58:39
Eric: Is it illustrated?
58:41
Matt: Oh.
58:42
Matt: Didn't check it out.
58:43
Eric: I can only hope.
58:44
Matt: Didn't check.
58:45
Matt: Just just didn't check, just bought.
58:47
Eric: That's fine.
58:48
Eric: That is so fine.
58:49
Matt: Let me see.
58:50
Matt: Let me see if there's an inside preview.
58:55
Matt: First of all, you this is from 2020.
58:57
Matt: This is this edition was printed in 2020.
59:00
Matt: And can I share?
59:01
Matt: I'm gonna drop the link.
59:02
Matt: I want you to I want you to look.
59:04
Matt: I'm gonna put it in in the chat here.
59:06
Matt: I want you to look at the cover of this book, and we'll put it in the Instagram.
59:11
Matt: Is that not a fearsome creature?
59:13
Matt: Is that not a fearsome creature on the cover of this book?
59:17
Matt: It looks like I think that might be the goat man, actually.
59:21
Matt: Like it looks like the goat man images.
59:23
Eric: That looks like the goat man.
59:25
Matt: But we're not here to talk about the goat man.
59:28
Matt: Perhaps it's even who I'm talking about today, which is the Tote Road Shagama.
59:33
Matt: Are you ready?
59:34
Eric: Give Shagama me a bit.
59:36
Matt: Let me tell you a tale.
59:37
Matt: Let William T.
59:38
Matt: Cox tell you a tale.
59:40
Matt: From Rangeley Lakes to the Alagash and across in New Brunswick, loggers tell of an animal which has puzzled many a man, even those who were not strangers in the woods.
59:56
Matt: Frequently, the report is circulated that the tracks of a bear have been seen near camp, but a little later this is denied, and a moose and moose tracks are reported instead.
1:00:09
Matt: Heated arguments among the men, sometimes resulting in fist fights, are likely to follow.
1:00:17
Matt: You know how men are about moose and bears.
1:00:21
Matt: You know how men are.
1:00:24
Matt: It is rightly considered an insult to a woodsman to accuse him of not being able to distinguish the track of either of these animals.
1:00:33
Eric: Oh, that's them fighting words.
1:00:35
Matt: To only a few of the old timber cruisers and river men is the explanation of these changing tracks known.
1:00:46
Matt: Gus Demo of Old Town Maine, who has hunted and trapped and logged in the main woods for 40 years, once came upon what he recognized as the tracks of a moose.
1:00:59
Matt: After following it for about 80 rods, it changed abruptly.
1:01:05
Matt: Any idea, Eric, what a rod is?
1:01:08
Eric: I know a certain number of them go into a furl long.
1:01:11
Eric: Let's get I'm not even shitting you.
1:01:14
Eric: I know rods go into furlongs like inches into feet.
1:01:17
Matt: Let's just keep going and pretend like we know what it is.
1:01:19
Matt: Yep.
1:01:21
SPEAKER_02: Eighty rods?
1:01:22
Matt: For about eighty rods.
1:01:24
Matt: Holy shit.
1:01:25
Matt: Following it for about eighty rods, it changed abruptly into unmistakable bear tracks.
1:01:33
Matt: Another eighty rods, and it changed to moose tracks again.
1:01:38
Eric: Wait, hold on.
1:01:38
Eric: Another eighty rods?
1:01:40
Eric: Another eighty rods.
1:01:41
Matt: It was soon observed by Mr.
1:01:43
Matt: Demo that these changes took place precisely every quarter of a mile.
1:01:49
Matt: And furthermore, that whatever was making the tracks always followed a tote road or a blazed line through the woods.
1:01:57
Matt: Uh I had do I have a question?
1:01:59
Eric: Yeah, quick question.
1:02:01
Eric: So why didn't he just say every quarter of a mile the tracks would change?
1:02:07
Matt: Why give up the opportunity to use the antiquated terminology of a rod?
1:02:13
Matt: All right.
1:02:14
Matt: Coming up within sight of the animal, Gus saw that it had front feet like a bear's and hind feet like those of a moose, and that it was pacing carefully, taking exactly a yard at a step.
1:02:30
Matt: Suddenly it stopped, looked all about, swung as on a pivot, then inverting itself and walking on its front feet only, it resumed its pacing.
1:02:42
Matt: Mr.
1:02:43
Matt: Demo was only an instant in recognizing by the witness.
1:02:50
Matt: Mr.
1:02:51
Matt: Demo was only an instant in recognizing by the witness trees that the place where the animal changed was a section corner.
1:03:01
Matt: I have no idea what any of that should be.
1:03:03
Eric: I don't know what a section corner is, but fuck!
1:03:05
Matt: From this fact, he reasoned that the Shagama I guess I guess he named it in that very instant.
1:03:12
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
1:03:12
Matt: The Shagama must have originally been a very imitative animal, which, from watching surveyors, timber cruisers, and trappers patiently following lines through the woods, contracted the habit itself.
1:03:28
Matt: He figures that the Shagama can only count as high as four hundred and forty.
1:03:35
Matt: Therefore, it must invert itself every quarter of a mile.
1:03:41
SPEAKER_00: Huh.
1:03:42
Matt: Huh, indeed.
1:03:43
Matt: Would you like to uh see the Shagama?
1:03:45
Eric: Oh fucking please.
1:03:48
Matt: Coming at you.
1:03:50
Eric: Give to me.
1:03:51
Matt: Take a look at this.
1:03:52
Matt: Take a look at this prancing prancing fuckery.
1:03:56
Eric: It's it's like the cowardly lion fucked Mr.
1:03:59
Eric: Tumness.
1:04:00
Matt: He really does in this illustration from uh Fearsome Creatures of the Lumberwoods with a few desert of mountain beasts in 1910.
1:04:08
Matt: It really does look like the cowardly lion, does it not?
1:04:11
Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:04:12
Eric: On another one, he looks kind of like a sad dog with goat legs.
1:04:17
Matt: Yeah, I don't get moose legs from this illustration.
1:04:20
Eric: Ah, if you go to the fourth one, you definitely get moose legs.
1:04:25
Matt: Oh my.
1:04:27
Eric: Yeah, that's good.
1:04:28
Matt: I didn't realize these were all the Shagama.
1:04:30
Matt: I thought I sent you one photo.
1:04:32
Eric: Well, one of them, one of them is one of him tracking the shagma.
1:04:35
Eric: You can see where the tracks change.
1:04:38
Matt: Wow.
1:04:39
Matt: Because here, this fourth one is just a bear with moose, like truly with moose legs.
1:04:45
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
1:04:46
Matt: But everything else is like not quite a bear face.
1:04:50
Matt: Wowie.
1:04:51
Matt: Well, that's my local legend for you, folks.
1:04:54
Matt: The Shagamaw, the Tote Road Shagamaw, doesn't give a specific locale for it, which means the Shagama could be anywhere.
1:05:05
Matt: Uh, and again, that was from Fearsome Creatures of the Lumberwoods with a few desert and mountain beats published in 1910.
1:05:10
Matt: And I just purchased the 2020 edition, which I will also throw up on the Instagram in the uh in the pictures that we posted this episode.
1:05:19
Matt: Uh, I also consulted briefly our good friend CryptidWiki.
1:05:25
Matt: Uh and I think, Eric, I think that about rounds out.
1:05:29
Matt: Episode 11 of You Didn't Ask For This.
1:05:31
Matt: Listen, folks, we got to have those questions.
1:05:34
Matt: Uh and it's and we've given you so many ways to give them to us.
1:05:39
Matt: Drop it over at Instagram at you didn't askpod.
1:05:43
Matt: That's the letter you didn't ask pod.
1:05:45
Matt: Drop them on Twitter at the exact same handle.
1:05:48
Matt: Or hit us up on give us a formal, a formal request through an email at you didn't ask for this at gmail.com.
1:05:57
Matt: Yeah.
1:05:57
Matt: Uh what else do we need, Eric?
1:05:59
Matt: We need um we need we offered up songs last time.
1:06:03
Eric: Yep.
1:06:03
Matt: If you want to write us a song.
1:06:05
Eric: Write us a song.
1:06:06
Eric: Yeah, please.
1:06:07
Eric: Uh we uh we won't pay you.
1:06:10
Matt: We will not pay you.
1:06:11
Eric: We will not pay you.
1:06:11
Eric: Uh well, we may pay you.
1:06:13
Eric: When we say give us a song, if you send us an audio file of you playing a theme song on a recorder, I will use that shit.
1:06:23
Matt: We'll get it in there somewhere.
1:06:24
Eric: We will I will I will weave it in there because right now I'm using stock audio.
1:06:29
Matt: Your recorder, your recorder symphony that you send us will be used.
1:06:34
Eric: Yes.
1:06:35
Matt: Yes.
1:06:36
Matt: So send us your recorder symphonies.
1:06:39
Matt: Uh send us uh real I get really when it comes right down to it, send us whatever the fuck you want.
1:06:45
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
1:06:46
Matt: You know what I mean?
1:06:46
Matt: We just are interested in hearing from you.
1:06:49
Matt: We want to answer your questions, we want to unravel the least important mysteries that plague you as you sit there staring into the blackness while you're just trying to fall into a peaceful sleep.
1:07:00
Eric: They're important to somebody.
1:07:02
Matt: Give all that shit to us.
1:07:03
Eric: Yep.
1:07:04
Matt: In the meantime, my name's Matt Shea.
1:07:07
Eric: My name's Eric Poach.
1:07:08
Matt: And you know what?
1:07:09
Matt: You didn't ask.
1:07:19
SPEAKER_02: It's me.
1:07:24
SPEAKER_02: Oh, it's here comes a Wallae.