Latest / Take1.5 Podcast: Stories from the Messy In-between / 당신의 화는 진짜 문제가 아니다 — Why Your Anger Isn’t the Real Problem

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당신의 화는 진짜 문제가 아니다 — Why Your Anger Isn’t the Real Problem · Take1.5 Podcast: Stories from the Messy In-between

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I grew up with a household with many, many angry outbursts, all
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the time walking on egg shells. So I know personally what that
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feels like to live in that or come from that childhood trauma.
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And it's a huge risk trauma. It's not something I made-up,
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right? Although sometimes I feel like I
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made-up. But anyway.
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So let's talk about that. Welcome, Susie.
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Rental fellow Charlotte Tin. How do we call it ourselves,
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Charlatan? I don't know.
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Yes, neighbors. You're a Christian life coach.
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Yeah. Tell tell me about yourself and
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what you do. Yeah.
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So first and foremost, I identify myself as a daughter of
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God and #1 and then number two, wife and mom.
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We have two teenage daughters who are 16 and 13.
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And we just found out our kids went to the same school or my
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kids are going to school that your kids graduated from.
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Yes, very small world. Then I recently retired from
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corporate America and now I've joined my husband in our fitness
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studio small business and done some coaching and consulting on
1:17
the sides. But so good to meet you and be
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able to talk with you today. Yeah, awesome.
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Our friend connected us together and I thought, you know, as I'm
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starting this mental health Asian American series, I thought
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it would be really interesting to talk about something very,
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very deeply rooted, but something that we never, ever
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talk about, which is the anger or the rage or anger control.
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I don't know what. You call it hunger in Korea and
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you call it Puno change. So it's almost like anger
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disability. But yeah, isn't that so accurate
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in the description? Cause many of us, I, I feel
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like, deal with that anger issue, whether we talk about it
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or not. Personally, I grew up in a
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household where anger was very rampant.
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You know, every emotion was tied to anger and that you know, I
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feel like it's a real childhood trauma of mine because they
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really carried on to my adulthood and how I see myself
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and or how I do relationship with others.
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Do you see that often? What do you think?
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How do you relate that with the, you know, the clients that you
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see or other families that you know of?
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Anger is such a prevalent emotion that comes up and it's
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usually categorized as a secondary emotion.
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So there's underlying emotions under that that usually aren't,
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you know, communicated or resolved.
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And then that leads into anger being on the surface.
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And that's what we but really there's root emotions that need
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to get addressed in order to be able to heal and to get out
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front of the anger. But it's, it's been really cool
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working with clients that are open to sharing about your
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episodes. And we all have them, you know,
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as moms, we definitely have them with our kids, right?
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But, you know, to get to the underlying triggers of like
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what's really driving that and how do we resolve those so that
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we're not having these outbursts that aren't characteristic to
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who we really are? You know, what point do people
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realize, wait a minute, I think I do need to deal with this
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anger issue because most of us are growing up in a family where
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our feelings are not discussed or shared.
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You know, we feel like I, no, I don't have any anger.
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I mean, everybody gets angry. I don't really have an issue
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with it. But at what point do people say
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wait I need to maybe talk about some this issue with someone.
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Yeah, I think nowadays there's just more of an openness to have
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discussions around mental health in general and to be more open
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and honest about what's happening behind closed doors
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and our families. And so when you see that, the
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anger happening, the anger coming out in our marriages with
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our kids, and you're seeing yourself sort of repeating the
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cycles that you grew up with, I mean, that's when some moms
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think, hold on, this is not what I planned for myself.
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I don't want my kids to have to experience what I experienced.
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And then they're looking for some help on how to get over it
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because, right, nobody plans to be angry or become an angry
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person. It just happens because we
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haven't addressed some issues possibly from our childhoods.
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A lot of times that's the case. And then once we do, we can live
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out our adult lives in a much healthier way.
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So I think it comes out when you are seeing it happen in your own
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personal life, when it spills over, possibly at work even.
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So stress triggers it a lot, too.
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And when you're not able to, you know, handle the stress, you see
5:19
it a lot more. So where does stress happen?
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Right in your home, at work, in personal relationships.
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So when you see that and you see a cycle, you, you start
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thinking, OK, maybe there's a problem here.
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That is so true because we're pretty good at hiding it
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outside, you know, at work or with a church, especially at
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church. But you're right, you know, at
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home with our children, at with our spouses.
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That is where it really, you know, breaks apart.
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I remember when my kids were younger, just one thing that I,
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I can remember at this point, at this time is that when my kids
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were younger, there was spilled milk all the time at the table.
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And they would literally enrage me and my husband, you know,
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like how many times, like didn't they tell you to be be careful
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or, you know, like in cleaning up?
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And but now that they're all grown and I'm thinking back and
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Oh my goodness, how terrible is that like that?
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But is that was I really angry at their at my children's
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actions or behaviors, or was it something else?
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Yeah, it's usually not necessarily the other person or
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behavior. It's bring something in you that
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hasn't been resolved from probably when you were a child
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and you spilled something and your mother or father
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reprimanded you in a way and you found that to be traumatizing in
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some way. And so you're trying to prevent
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that from happening, right. And inadvertently, we kind of
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create that for happening again. And it's kind of really weird
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how we get into the cycle, but we heal the initial trauma when
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we can I, you know, get gain a new perspective on that and we
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can go to God for healing. Then we can surrender some of
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those things that have happened to us in the past, and then we
7:30
can move more freely with our kids and realize, hey, it's just
7:34
spilled milk, right? Or spilled water, whatever it
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is. And then you can address the
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actual situation versus reacting to something that may be from
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your past that had nothing to do with your child.
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How can we address the actual situation then?
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Yeah, so I've been through my healing journey and, you know,
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the more so I'm in my 40s now and we just celebrated 20 years
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of marriage. And what I'm starting to see is
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there's divorces, you know, starting two of my, my
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daughter's closest friends, their parents are going through
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divorces. And you know, when you get
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married, nobody ever plans on getting a divorce, right?
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You think you're going to make it?
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And what I'm seeing is a lot of the issues really did start from
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unresolved issues in childhood that came into the marriage and
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expectations that took root, and then some resentment and
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bitterness that, you know, unfortunately kind of took over
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in the marriages. But I think really what I'm
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seeing is when you can heal a lot of your childhood issues as
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an adult, you know, they're not going to affect your marriages
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as much. They're not going to affect your
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relationship with your kids or even Co workers or your
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significant other friends. But the unhealed version of you,
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they're just kind of we're prone to repeat what was kind of done
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to us. Unfortunately, we're just we
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just kind of have this default right of like this happened to
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me. And if it's not healed or
9:17
resolved, then you just kind of default to repeating that same
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behavior. And that's why there's so many
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people who grew up with alcoholic parents and say, oh,
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I'll never become an alcoholic. And they do, right?
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You don't intend for it, but you need to get those things healed
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in order to not repeat them again.
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And my healing journey really only started in college once I,
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you know, gave my life to God and surrendering.
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I mean, that's a big part of healing and really learning what
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God's truth is over you specifically.
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Like personally like how God sees you and what God says about
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you, how much God loves you. That starts taking root and your
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identity gets based on that versus being a daughter of even
10:08
like your parents or being a wife or a mother.
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Like once your identity is firmly rooted in Christ, that
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kind of changes everything. So that perspective completely
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shifts and you start looking at yourself differently and stop
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seeing yourself as just this wounded victim.
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You start seeing that there's possibly purpose in your pain
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that maybe God can heal you and God can heal somebody else with
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the same thing. And that's how God really
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actually helped me see Wow. Like there's a difference,
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right? Me living now versus even like
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20 years ago when we first started out being married and
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there being so much just chaos and fighting and anger, like
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just wow. I'm just so thankful because of
10:57
the work that God has done in my life, and I want that for
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others. Start this podcast that's called
11:06
Adulting Empowered. But it's really about how do we
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get healed? And then that empowers you to be
11:14
different, not only just do different.
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Yeah. So this behaviors are
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subconscious, right? Where I mean, we're not like
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intending to where I'm going to be an angry person today.
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But the trauma or the the belief that you had about yourself or
11:32
your surroundings, that really comes out as an anger or some
11:36
sort of issue in your life, in your relationships.
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Is that what you're saying? Yeah.
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Pastor a long time ago who said hurting people hurt other
11:49
people, right? And therefore heal people or
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healing people can help heal other people, right?
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So it's what you pass down, whether subconsciously or
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consciously. And I think we would rather all
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be more conscious than intentional about what we're
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passing down to our children. Yeah.
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And then future generations. So it's really about sort of
12:19
taking control of what you can, getting God's help in the
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journey, and then being able to hopefully pass down something
12:28
much healthier and more whole and more whole version to the
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future generations. I think as parents, that's the
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most scary part of not dealing with or not healing from your
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issues because you start seeing this on your children, how it's
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affecting your children, and that's the scariest thing ever,
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isn't it? Because when your kids act out
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in the same way that you used to, that is a, a real wake up
13:07
call, right? Like that's not great.
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And you start seeing certain things in them that you didn't
13:15
realize was coming from you. I think that wake up call for a
13:19
lot of moms like and then then they reach out and then we work
13:24
on some things and it leads to breakthrough because when the
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mom is healed then and transformed really that healing
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trickles down to the kids and the rest of the family.
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Do you believe in transformation?
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I do, I do. And in our faith, right, there's
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the sanctification process that is all about spiritual formation
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and maturing in Christ, right? It's not like you're saved and
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all right, you're done. No, that's when that's when true
13:54
transformation can happen. You need to partner with God.
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There are things you're going to have to surrender and sometimes
14:01
you can't just do it on your own, right?
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Like sometimes there's been many things I couldn't let go of the
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hurt, the pain, the forgiveness, the anger.
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I, I couldn't let go of it without God's help and God
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reminding me, Hey, I forgave you for everything and therefore you
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can forgive your parents for everything, right.
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And then it's The Walking that out because once you forgive
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someone, you know, it's not just once and done.
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It's like a, a process. Sure.
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So yeah, it's everyday surrendering and going OK, God,
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like, what more do I forgive? What more do I need to go off to
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become whole? Because you know, our parents,
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they, they did the best they could, right?
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But they, most of our parents being immigrants, were stressed
14:52
out, just in survival mode, right?
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Just, they, they didn't really see any other way but to make
15:00
it. And so that came at a cost
15:03
though, right? And a lot of it was our
15:06
childhoods. So that's where we kind of had
15:11
to, you know, figure things out for ourselves.
15:15
We needed to, you know, take care of business for ourselves.
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And that's for a long time. I was very hard and I realized
15:25
that that's not what God wanted for me.
15:28
He didn't want my heart, heart to be so hard all the time
15:32
trying to perform, trying to strive, trying to earn.
15:35
You know, that's what our parents instilled in US.
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That's not necessarily what God wants for us.
15:41
And so it's really about sort of resetting our, our, our brains,
15:47
you know, the, the Bible talks about renewing your mind all the
15:49
time and having No Fear. And so it's really about
15:53
aligning how we think with how God really thinks about us, our
16:00
parents, about our children, and becoming more like Jesus
16:04
throughout the whole process. Because without God, I would be
16:07
so bitter. It would be so bitter, you know
16:12
what I mean? I, I would just have all kinds
16:14
of issues, insecurities at the wazoo.
16:17
Just, you know, I, I would be probably just like a, a shell of
16:22
myself. I'm so thankful that God has
16:27
worked in my heart. There have been painful moments,
16:29
of course, but there's been really joyful ones.
16:32
And now I, you know, I'm enjoying this life that I never
16:36
thought possible. So I'm just super grateful.
16:40
And you know, my relationship with my parents, you know, when
16:44
we were in such a better place, we're not like super close
16:50
because the distance, you know, we talked about that.
16:52
My parents live several states away, but, you know, we talk
16:58
almost every day and we almost have a friendship relationship
17:02
now kind of cool based on respect that came from setting
17:09
some boundaries with them, you know, And, you know, Koreans
17:12
especially, they're not very good with boundaries.
17:15
But, you know, my mom especially, you know, she
17:18
understands now like boundaries help us have a better
17:21
relationship so that there aren't any more hurts, any more
17:26
wounds, any more anger that comes from that.
17:28
We just need to be respectful of each other's boundaries so that
17:33
we can have a really healthy relationship and so that she can
17:38
be a part of my life more. Because if she she didn't
17:43
respect my boundaries, then you know, it would be tough to to
17:46
have more conversations and, and be in each others lives.
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So. Right, right.
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So your your parents are immigrants in this country, Yes.
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Yes, they were in the first generation.
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First generation they. Came.
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South Korea with nothing, right? Like most of our parents, right?
18:04
In the 70s, I I heard in the 80s it was a little bit different,
18:08
like sure, a lot of them. In the 90s and now they're like
18:11
come with full full. Bank accounts, right, exactly
18:18
with nothing, right, right. And so us from the 70s, you
18:24
know, I think they just had this survival instinct.
18:29
They just sure. So you know, for the kids,
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right, that's where I feel like my heart goes out to because a
18:38
lot of us grew up as latchkey kids.
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We just need to raise ourselves in a lot of ways.
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There's a lot of neglect from our parents.
18:46
They provided of course, but you know, my parents being business
18:50
owners, like when I came home, when they came home, it was just
18:55
they were so stressed. They were fighting all the time,
18:57
you know, and so there wasn't a lot of safety there.
19:00
And so I learned from a very young age like, oh, you can't
19:04
trust people. You know, they're, they can't be
19:07
trusted. And so God had to like, rewire
19:11
my brain with all that, like when you trust him and then
19:15
that's when I could start trusting people and, you know,
19:20
forgive when there are mistakes and I make mistakes, right?
19:25
And I always say, like, when you enter into a friendship with
19:28
someone, you should automatically like, sign up an
19:31
invisible like forgiveness clause, like, hey, whatever
19:36
happens, I'm going to forgive you.
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And that should be actually what happens in marriage too, because
19:41
so many things, you know, go wrong intentionally or not.
19:46
And without that, you know, like I always go I, I think of Billy
19:51
Graham and Ruth Graham. I don't know if you've ever
19:53
heard, but there's a Billy Graham library here in Charlotte
19:56
and the quotes up there on the wall.
19:58
But it's like marriage. I think this is from Ruth
20:00
Graham. She says marriage is, is really
20:04
about 2 is really with two great forgivers or something like
20:09
that. More eloquently, I'm sure.
20:12
Really all about how do we forgive?
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Our health How do we forgive one?
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Another and yeah, yeah, it's it's kind of beautiful when you
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think of it that way but you know it's not easy and that's
20:24
where God comes in because I don't know yeah I don't really
20:28
know how you do life without God tried and it wasn't going so
20:32
well for me so I. Had to.
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Yeah. I only know I remember one
20:38
thing. On Ruth Graham's tombstone it
20:41
says thanks for being patient or something like that.
20:43
Yes. That's right.
20:45
I'm like, yeah, that. I mean, you know, you talked
20:49
about, you know, your parents experience, immigrant experience
20:53
and how you witnessed your parents resolving or not
20:57
resolving conflict as an anger, angry up person.
21:01
You're watching this as a kid, right?
21:03
You were not alone. Many of us grew up that way.
21:06
Maybe it's recently, more recent years, maybe it's a little
21:09
different, but nobody modeled for us how to handle our anger
21:14
or how do we discuss, how do we share our feelings?
21:19
Personally speaking, I feel like the only emotion that I know
21:25
really well is really being angry as something.
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Why is that? Why is that?
21:31
Do you see this a lot in your immigrant?
21:33
Maybe like a second generation clients?
21:36
Yeah, I mean, you, you said it, but our parents did not model
21:39
for us how to handle stress Well, right, Being immigrants.
21:45
I mean, they were just trying to survive.
21:49
And so they didn't put a lot of effort into communicating or in
21:56
a healthy way or helping their kids process their emotions.
22:02
They didn't really ask, great, how are you doing?
22:05
They were just so preoccupied with, you know, trying to
22:10
survive and try to try to make something of themselves.
22:14
So when you didn't have that growing up, you kind of, you
22:19
know, all my parents showed me was they were stressed and they
22:22
were angry. And somehow as a child, you,
22:29
you, you take, you take the gratefulness aspect of like,
22:33
wow, my parents, you know, they sacrifice everything for us and
22:37
you're so grateful for that. But you know, yet you kind of
22:42
know from a young age that there's this expectation that
22:46
they are sacrificing now so you can sacrifice for them later,
22:51
right? And I don't know if that's a
22:53
spoken or unspoken kind of deal that I think a lot of Asian
22:58
parents expect out of their kids like to either whether it's
23:02
taking care of them in their age or giving them your first check,
23:07
right? My mom, my mom told me that and
23:10
I didn't realize, I didn't know what to say.
23:14
Shocked. Like, what do you mean I have to
23:16
pay my my bills, I have to pay my rent because I had a plea.
23:21
Oh my gosh, yeah. I was living away from home and
23:24
I'm like, let me let me pay you back later.
23:28
And you know what I mean? So I.
23:31
I laughed so hard because I. It was insane.
23:36
I was, I mean, a lot of things my mom said to me growing up I
23:40
thought were kind of insane. But no, I think our parents not
23:46
dealing with their anger well as well that got passed on to us.
23:52
And you know, we, we go into earning mode, performance mode,
23:59
you know, we just kind of put the, the face on and we're like,
24:03
we got to go out and work. But you know what, that there's
24:07
this resentment and anchor bubbling on the inside.
24:11
And when you don't communicate or learn how to process those
24:15
emotions when they are like at the lower level, well, when it
24:19
explodes, that's it's too late, right?
24:23
So it's all about how do we open up this conversation and remove
24:27
the shame around it so that we can all recognize that like,
24:32
hey, some of us weren't taught. We just weren't taught how to
24:35
deal with our emotions in a healthy way.
24:38
And how do we createspace to be able to have safe conversations
24:42
about our feelings and they're valid no matter what they are.
24:47
And the Bible, there's like, anger is not a sin.
24:50
It's what you do with the ink that can be sinful.
24:53
And a lot of things, your anger goes zero to 100 and a
24:58
millisecond. So it's about stepping that down
25:01
and addressing some of the root cause emotions and how you do
25:07
that right. And so obviously counseling is a
25:09
great way of doing it. So many great Christian
25:12
counselors these days. I know I saw one early on in my
25:18
20s who changed my life honestly and help me deal with my anger
25:24
and slow it down South so that I could recognize when I was
25:30
feeling hurt before the anger, right?
25:34
And a lot of times the hurt came from my childhood and it wasn't
25:37
my husband. My husband was triggering me.
25:39
And so I had to recognize, OK, I have to learn how to get out
25:44
ahead of it so I'm not reacting to it.
25:47
It's like anything, right? You want to be proactive and
25:49
plant when you know she was something.
25:53
So it's about, you know, hiring counselors or, you know, church.
25:58
Some sometimes churches have resources too.
26:02
But figuring out what your triggers are and learning to
26:08
recognize when they when they're happening and slowing down that
26:12
process so you can actually deal with the root cause of it versus
26:16
just the surface, which is usually the anger.
26:20
That's really good. You know, like we, I think most
26:26
of us Asian Americans with immigrant parents, we like your
26:32
parents. They're working really hard,
26:34
right? More than 12 hours a day for the
26:37
family, for the children. So I think us children, we grew
26:41
up thinking or knowing that we need to be very thankful.
26:45
We need to be. We need to pay back.
26:48
Like, like in the beginning, like, you know, it makes me
26:54
laugh so hard because, you know, one, the American side of me
26:58
think, oh, my God, that's so ridiculous.
27:00
But the Korean side of me know what what they're talking about.
27:03
Like, yeah, like, this is a way of saying thank you for your
27:07
sacrifice, right? But like, we grew up thinking
27:14
that way. We owe our parents right?
27:17
We never we never had the chance to learn to express our really
27:24
true emotions. Only I feel like in my family,
27:27
only emotions that I was allowed to express was thankfulness, you
27:32
know, gratitude. And I don't know, I don't know
27:37
what else, but that was the only and I, you know, thinking back
27:41
at my childhood and many of those moments when I was
27:48
expressing how thankful I am to my parents sacrifice.
27:53
Now I'm thinking, I, I really wasn't being genuine, you know,
27:57
I was thinking more like, why are you fighting so much?
28:01
I'm very unhappy in this family. I'm very unstable.
28:05
I need more. But what came out of my mouth
28:08
was I'm so thankful for my parents sacrifice.
28:12
I know how much they're sacrificing for, you know, us
28:15
children, and we ought to become successful.
28:21
So as an adult, you know, I don't even know how to express
28:30
my true emotions to even resolve this.
28:34
Where do we begin? Yeah, that is so common.
28:38
And it's women our ages actually, that are recognizing
28:42
this in droves. So it's really been interesting
28:46
because I think the awareness is growing that we need to learn
28:53
before we can teach our kids even.
28:56
We actually have to arm ourselves with how to process
29:00
our emotions and we have to put in some time and work into it.
29:05
So there's, like I said, lots of great counselors, coaches, I'm
29:11
just one of them, but I've had counselors and coaches that have
29:15
really helped me understand what's going on at the root.
29:20
Because sometimes you're not really, you're not really
29:24
realizing what's triggering you. Like somebody else with an
29:28
outside perspective can help you get into, OK, you know, what was
29:33
the earliest memory you have of this emotion happening?
29:36
Right. And that's just one example of
29:39
what you can do. But really kind of going back to
29:42
some painful times in your childhood and recognizing there
29:46
is a correlation between what happened when you got triggered
29:51
with your child spilling milk and you as a child when you had,
29:57
you know, a negative, really angry or, you know, upsetting
30:02
reaction to a mistake you made that you didn't need to, right.
30:06
And being able to bridge that and then healing like yourself
30:11
and, and doing the forgiveness work, recognizing your parents
30:16
were so stressed, like they were trying their best, but really
30:21
they weren't able to give their their best selves to you because
30:26
they either didn't know how. A lot of times they probably
30:30
didn't coming from their childhood upbringings, right.
30:33
And then, you know, coming into this foreign country, not really
30:38
knowing the language, trying to work, you know, seven days a
30:42
week, you know, 14 hour days and then coming home to kids that
30:48
needed you emotionally. But really, you know, didn't
30:51
know how to adjust them. So it's really starting, I think
30:56
with yourself and starting to learn how to process your
31:02
emotions. And just by starting, honestly,
31:08
it's, it's, it's really amazing what can come from it because
31:13
again, once you start healing and your kids will actually
31:19
respond to it and start thinking, OK, maybe there's
31:24
something there. And they feel like you're the
31:27
safe adult that they, you know, may never have had you become
31:32
the safe adult that you never had with your parents, right?
31:35
Right, right. So it's really about
31:38
understanding kind of like what triggers you, what's really at
31:41
the root of it, and slowing that process down so you can process
31:46
it all. And then becoming a more free
31:49
and whole person. Just, you know, adult adulting,
31:53
right? And being able to do it so much
31:55
better, so much less stress than our parents did it because they
31:59
had to. But we don't, right?
32:02
We can do it differently. That's what's so cool.
32:05
Like we can do it totally differently than our parents did
32:08
it, but we do have to make time and space for it.
32:12
And you know when you've got, you have 4 kids, I have two
32:15
kids, my kids are teenagers. And people said, oh, it'll get
32:19
easier. They need me more in a long ways
32:22
right now. Different ways, yeah, for sure.
32:26
And emotionally, they need me. They need me to be whole and
32:29
healthy now because they're coming to me with their
32:33
emotional and mental health stuff.
32:35
And so if I had my stuff, I don't know how I could help them
32:40
unpack their stuff or their friends stuff, right?
32:42
Yeah. So it's really about how do we
32:45
work on ourselves so that we can be more available to others
32:49
especially. That is so true.
32:52
I could so relate to that because my kids are all grown,
32:57
they're all adults. But I think what inspired me to
33:00
start therapy process or journey was, oh man, I don't want to
33:05
pass down this to my children, this whatever it was, the anger,
33:10
disappointment, what the whole thing, the whole package, right?
33:16
So it is possible for us to stop that at on our generation,
33:22
right? We call it, you know, in the
33:24
Christian community breaking generational cycles, right?
33:28
So we again, our parents learn from their parents.
33:33
We learn from our parents. And then we passed out.
33:35
So it's really, how do we break some of those crazy cycles?
33:40
And it's never too late. It's never too late, right?
33:44
So I've heard of, you know, parents, moms like you with
33:49
adult kids being able to heal and being able to be different,
33:57
you know, being more free and whole with their families and
34:01
even their adult children are affected by that.
34:04
So it's never too late to do with the work.
34:07
Obviously it, it's, it's even better if you catch it sooner.
34:11
So when, when they're little, you can break those cycles, but
34:16
no, when, when God can help you break those cycles in your
34:20
family, that's when freedom comes.
34:23
That's when empowerment comes. That's when you live in victory
34:26
to victory. Instead of going from bad to bad
34:31
or bad to worse, you start seeing a trend of like, and it's
34:34
not perfect, right? When no one's perfect.
34:36
So you're not all of a sudden healed one day and then you're
34:39
just never going to get angry again.
34:41
It's really about learning and healing and learning and living
34:46
in victory over time. So that's what's really cool
34:51
because I think God has a plan for each of us and it doesn't
34:57
matter where, what life stage you're in.
35:00
God can do something if you're willing to really just let him
35:05
in to your pain and surrender it to him.
35:10
It's it's not only freeing for ourselves, but also for our our
35:15
families. That's so good.
35:19
Tell me, Susie, because many of us, I feel like are not aware of
35:29
even, you know, our emotional stage.
35:33
Like, I'm not bitter at my parents.
35:36
I'm very thankful. Yes, we are.
35:39
Or whatever it is. Like it kind of like triggers
35:42
down to your marriage, your relationship with your children,
35:48
your friendship, even relationship with God.
35:51
As we're talking about this, can you give us some steps?
35:58
What can we do? OK.
36:00
Like how do we, how do we get to the healing stage or how do we
36:03
get to that healthy stage where we're saying, yeah, like, I see
36:08
what's going on. I am willing to work on it.
36:11
I feel like that's a healthy stage.
36:13
What do you think? Absolutely.
36:15
Openness is the first step. And so when you were asking
36:21
that, I was thinking, yeah, that's probably something that
36:26
we need to be more comfortable doing.
36:28
But asking either God, if you're a person of faith, what is the
36:35
area of my heart that is still hard hardened, that's not whole
36:41
and healthy, right? And if you don't have that,
36:44
asking the people closest to you, hey, what do you think
36:48
about me? Like if you had to describe me
36:50
in 3 words, right, what would it be?
36:54
Be honest, right? Or ask them what's the three
36:57
positive? What's the three negative to
36:59
draw that out and ask your kids, right?
37:02
Your kids know you the best too. So if they say yeah, you're an
37:06
angry mom, or your husband says yeah, you're kind of angry all
37:11
the time. And let me tell you,
37:12
imperimenopause, like it got worse to me.
37:17
I started feeling the anger come back again and it was almost
37:21
getting retested. Like it was really interesting.
37:24
But God had to teach me something new in this state,
37:28
right? Something I thought I overcame.
37:30
It was like, wait, there's more to learn there.
37:32
There's something deeper, right? And so different seasons will
37:37
bring up new things to address. And so for sure, I would say ask
37:43
the people around you to get an understanding of how you're
37:48
viewed, how you're seeing, right?
37:51
And starting there and then really asking either God to help
37:58
you to find the coach, the counselor to help you through
38:02
it, or again, at your church, there might be somebody there
38:07
that could help you. But really starting on that
38:11
journey of like understanding how it is that others see you or
38:18
you know, some issues that you might have and aligning that
38:21
with how God sees you again. So for me, the identity piece is
38:25
huge because how you be yourself is really going to determine a
38:30
lot of your behavior, right? And if you can start seeing
38:34
yourself the way God sees you will change everything.
38:39
So really understanding who God is, how good He is, how much He
38:44
loves you, how He sees you, taking all that understanding,
38:49
and then the behavior will follow, right?
38:51
So the identity piece before the behavior will come, but having
38:57
grace for yourself the way God has grace for you and receiving
39:01
that every day by reading the Bible, you know, spending time
39:06
in prayer, like dialoguing with God, like God, how do you see
39:10
me? Like what do you love about me,
39:13
right? Those things, those asking those
39:15
deep questions that you would never ask anyone because, well,
39:21
maybe you would and maybe you have a best friend.
39:23
I did not. And as wonderful as my husband
39:27
was, as I learned in childhood, I didn't feel like I could go to
39:32
him with those questions. So I went to God and I said, OK,
39:36
God, how do you see me? And God showed me, you know, I
39:41
read this book called captivating.
39:43
I talk about it on my podcast, But there was a name in that
39:46
book that he me, and the meaning is his delight is in me.
39:52
And that's the name I adopted for myself because all growing
39:56
up I was told the opposite, right?
39:59
Like from my parents. And again, they were, yeah, you
40:03
know, a very stressed state. But.
40:06
We understand, yeah. It was never good.
40:08
I was never good, never good enough.
40:11
Right, right. You know, I, I talk too much.
40:14
So, you know, it was like at home, I talk too much.
40:17
At school I didn't talk enough. Like I never went.
40:20
So I started acting out, but I won't go too much.
40:26
I I think though, I had to reconcile with God, like who I
40:30
really AM and what my identity is in him.
40:34
And then I started acting out more aligned with that.
40:38
So then the anger, the anger comes when I don't handle the
40:44
underlying emotions, right? So then I have to go back and
40:47
it's more of a curiosity. I have to go back to God, OK,
40:50
what's really going on here and really go into that, that that
40:56
place of safety to go, OK, Like what's what's really being
41:00
triggered here? Because I don't think it's the
41:03
actual thing like that I'm seeing right now and being more
41:07
curious with it versus like, it's my husband, he's the enemy.
41:12
Like he's the problem or my kids.
41:15
It's usually not that. So it's really getting to the
41:17
true like cause of it. It's just like any other medical
41:22
issue really, if you think about it like physical and spiritual
41:25
to me, go go together. But you know, if you see
41:29
something medically, right, there's you don't, you don't
41:32
just want to put a Band-Aid on it And like, you know, if you
41:35
have some sort of chronic disease to just be like, oh,
41:39
like just take these medications for the rest of your life.
41:41
No, like what's really going on in your body?
41:45
And that's the same thing. What's really going on in your
41:47
heart? Like what's going on in my mind,
41:49
my heart, my soul to, you know, make me feel these things.
41:55
And being able to go on this journey with God to like
41:59
discover, like what he wants to do with that is really kind of a
42:04
cool journey to go on. But you have to feel safe to do
42:07
that, right? So it's really about finding the
42:10
people you feel safe with and then being able to bring that
42:16
to, you know, the people you love.
42:18
I'm kind of getting a little bit emotional because I know what
42:22
the journey looks like and it's so different for each one of us,
42:25
right? As a child of an immigrant
42:28
parents, you know, whose sole purpose was to survive and to
42:35
see their children succeed in this country, many times I feel
42:39
like, Oh, I have met that their expectation.
42:42
Maybe it's my own thinking, but I did not succeed as as they
42:47
expected or I did not accomplish as much as they would have
42:51
wanted me to accomplish. You know, and these type of
42:54
things, I guess every generation go through.
42:58
But I think as a personal faith, although this is not a Christian
43:03
podcast, but I am a personal faith and I'm free to talk
43:07
about, you know, my faith or even if somebody's a Buddhist,
43:11
I'm free to talk about their beliefs.
43:14
But, you know, I, I feel like personally, I've been through
43:18
that journey of discovering and coming to like seeing myself as
43:25
how God sees me. And that's such an, that's such
43:28
a process and like a healing process, you know, So I don't
43:33
know what I'm saying, I'm just babbling, but.
43:36
So beautiful, that's. The most?
43:39
Thing honestly. And it's this, it's so much work
43:46
is involved in this healing process.
43:51
Where can we start? How can we start?
43:56
So I started my journey with God and honestly, we're all on
44:04
different spectrums on our walks of faith, right?
44:07
Some of us may not know God at all, but really, truly gaining
44:13
an understanding of who God is and what kind of God he is,
44:19
right? Because a lot of Christians say,
44:24
you know, that they know God, but they still believe that God
44:29
doesn't really love them unconditionally.
44:31
They, they, they don't believe God is really good, right?
44:34
And if you have the wrong belief about God, that's really going
44:38
to not help you be successful. So number one, it's really
44:45
studying scripture, really learning about who God is and
44:49
then being able to ask God those deep questions from your soul
44:56
about how God sees you, how God loves you, right?
45:02
I think you need to start there and then work with ideally a
45:07
Christian counselor, but a counselor would be good too,
45:12
unless you have a small group or something that a group that you
45:16
can go through in your church community.
45:20
That would be amazing too, if you can, if you have that.
45:24
But if not a Christian counselor, a coach to help you
45:28
walk through, you know, where you are and where you want to be
45:35
and then help you kind of walk through that journey together.
45:38
Because you're right, some points are going to be pretty
45:43
painful. And I couldn't do it alone for
45:46
sure. I needed the love and patience
45:52
and acceptance from, you know, my church community, my friends,
45:57
my counselors, my coaches at different points, right?
46:00
And in my healing journey and just learning how to receive
46:08
grace into your life, into your heart and your mind, soul more
46:13
and more, and learn how to forgive and partner with God in
46:19
the healing process. It's just so huge.
46:23
It's definitely worth it. And when it comes to partnering
46:29
with God, it makes it so you're not alone, right?
46:32
You're not doing all the heavy lifting on your own.
46:34
God can lift the heavy burdens. You know, the, the Bible talks
46:38
about how his yoke is easy and taking his yoke upon yourself.
46:44
And that's what's what, what's really about when you do the
46:47
healing with God is God can like really help heal you if you
46:53
allow him in. It's just really starting that
46:57
journey and seeing where He takes you and really creating
47:01
beauty out of ashes as only God can.
47:06
Beautifully said. Yeah, it sure is a journey
47:10
doesn't happen overnight, but it's it's worth it.
47:13
It's worth the process. Yeah.
47:15
So for those of us who are who's listening and saying, oh, like,
47:21
I need to know more about this process, where can they find
47:25
you? Yeah, I do have a podcast.
47:29
The podcast is called Adulting Empowered, and you can find my
47:34
information there. But yeah, the first session is
47:38
consultation. It's a free intake where, you
47:41
know, we kind of feel each other out to see if it would be a good
47:44
fit to work together. And if not, no worries.
47:49
But if it is, then we work on, you know, a plan together to
47:53
help get you to where you want to be.
47:56
You really want God to do in your life.
47:59
And sometimes, you know, it might be a few sessions or it
48:04
could be, you know, a single session at a time.
48:07
But it's really just starting that journey.
48:10
Of course, I'm not a licensed counselor, so, you know, I can
48:15
help start the journey and then refer you to a Christian
48:17
counselor, if that is, you know, if you want to go deeper in
48:21
that. But yeah, it's really just about
48:24
starting the journey or restarting.
48:26
Some of us just need a restart. And, you know, I just had to
48:29
restart a journey for myself recently because I, I realize
48:34
there's an issue that's come back again and it's like, OK,
48:39
there's something that I haven't resolved there and going back to
48:42
revisiting that. So it's really about where you
48:46
are and what you need and discovering, you know, are we a
48:49
good fit? And if not, you know, if that's
48:51
OK, maybe I can refer you to somebody else.
48:54
And we'll have your information, contact information, in the
48:56
descriptions for this episode in the podcast and YouTube.
49:01
Yeah, You know, thanks so much for spending the time with me
49:05
and going a little deeper in this process.
49:07
I know it. It's not a overnight process.
49:10
It's a long process, sometimes heavy process, a very difficult
49:14
one, but it's so worth to come out of the other end just
49:20
understanding yourself better is, I think worth the whole
49:24
process or journey as as a person who have experienced that
49:30
being in the journey. But yeah, thanks so much for
49:32
your time and being on this podcast.
49:35
For those of you who are checking in, this is a series on
49:39
mental health and Asian American community, how we could come out
49:43
better at the other end and or have better understanding or
49:46
deeper understanding of this issue that we actually never
49:49
talk about. So thanks, Susie, for your time
49:53
and being on this and having this deeper conversation with
49:57
me. It's.
49:58
A pleasure. Thank you man.