Latest / Dadical / 8. Raising Teens: Practical Dad Tips on Dating, Money, and Much More | Scott Schlofman

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8. Raising Teens: Practical Dad Tips on Dating, Money, and Much More | Scott Schlofman · Dadical

• Seth Stoker: Over the past few weeks, I've had some incredible guests. The stories that they've shared have been truly inspiring. We've seen regular everyday dads act like absolute superheroes as they've navigated challenges like a stillborn child, military deployments and infertility, the loss of a partner, and even the loss of a father at a young age. One thing is for certain, this life will test you. There's no hiding from the pain and challenges that life throws at you every day. In these moments, you don't have to be perfect. You don't have to have it all figured out. But what we've learned from these great men is that we can and must show up for our families every single day and lead them through the adversity that we're all gonna face. I've been so impressed with the lessons I've heard through these discussions. And luckily, most of you listen on an audio heavy platform, so you don't see how hard it is for me to even navigate these conversations as an interviewer. The truth is there's dads everywhere experiencing similar or even heavier challenges than what we've navigated so far. We'll continue to share these stories in hopes that they strengthen the dads who need to hear them the most. With that in mind, I had a blast in today's episode learning from Scott Schloffman. Scott joked in our initial conversation that there's not really anything unique about his story. He said he's just a regular guy. But that's not the case at all. Scott's a great example of being intentional in the way he creates quality time with his kids, the way he coaches them through experiences like dating and managing finances, and he talked to them about the fact that they won't all become president or NBA players. But he challenges them to become exceptional at whatever their talent is and to reach their full potential, which is what we all are supposed to be doing. I hope you learn as much as I did from this conversation. Here's Scott. Scott, welcome to the Dadical Podcast. We're excited to have you today. Scott: Seth, thanks so much. I'm looking forward to it. Seth Stoker: I'm looking forward to it to it too, Scott. It's it's been a heavy couple of episodes that we've had. Yes. Scott: They've been spectacular. Like you've done such a great job. Those guests are amazing. Seth Stoker: Thank you. Yes, I think they've been they've been amazing. They've got incredible stories, but they're hard stories. one of the reasons that I'm excited to have you on the podcast today is I think it'll be fun to change the pace up a little bit and get a little bit more tactical. Hey, how do we put a lot of this parenthood stuff, fatherhood stuff that we're talking about in action, in practice on a day-to-day basis? And so excited to dive in with you on on a few of those notes, but let's get to know you first. Tell us about you, your family, your background, and we'll go from there. Scott: So that's a beautiful way to say, hey, we're talking to somebody who's normal today. So I I I I absolutely love it and I'm thrilled. Yes, n normal, spectacular. It's yeah, it's so much fun. So I was born and raised here in Phoenix, Arizona. and I left when I was 18. I said, I'm never coming back. I don't like the desert. And so left. And after, you know, after serving a mission, going to school. Ended up meeting my wife in a Spanish class of all places. And maybe we'll get into that. But she's 100% Romanian and she was came over here for college. And so we moved to South Florida, where I did some medical device work, selling medical device, and then jumped on the international team. And more than likely that'll weave into this conversation at some point as well. and had four kids. And so we had we started off with twins, boy and a girl, twins. They're now seniors in high school. And then I have another boy. He's a freshman in high school. And then I have a seventh grade girl. And so four kids, beautiful wife. it's a lot of fun. They all want a pet. And I say, No, we are not having any other living being inside the house. Seth Stoker: I got plenty to take care of already. Scott: Exo, I don't I a dog would be great, but there's not a chance we're getting one. Seth Stoker: Fair enough. Well you're I mean you're you're in the thick of it, in the sense that I know how it is with older kids. I've got a nineteen-year-old, I've got a fifteen-year-old, I've got a thirteen-year-old, and it seems like there's a point there until they can drive where you're part-time dad, part-time chauffeur, where you're just taking them everywhere they need to go. And so it it it sounds like you're right in the middle of some of that. Scott: Completely. And the idea is once they start driving with the autonomy, it's great. And so that was always the thought process of if they can just drive themselves to and from practice, like life becomes so much easier. And it does, but the stress level of of how fast are they going? You know, how's everybody else on the road? Like, are they going to be able to get there? Are they going to come straight home or are they going to do something else? Like that whole stress level also increases. So yes, it's easier. But man, does that emotionally become so much more challenging? Seth Stoker: Well well, Scott, you probably don't know this. I'm actually a twin myself, and my brother and I were the oldest children for my parents. And so I gotta ask, like before we go anywhere else, what's it like parenting twins? Scott: It's a blast. Like it's so much fun. I will say when we take a look at that, besides, you know, being being fun, you know, just we had an immediate family right from the get-go. That was a great time. And we'll probably dive into that experience of of raising them. But the highlight I would say of raising the twins and just the difference between the others is when you have twins right from the get-go. It's a fire drill. Like when you get to bathtime, when you get to feeding time, when you get to bedtime, like it's it's go, go, go. Cause you just need to get it done. And so it's, it's, it's ready, set go, bathtime, feeding, you know, bedtime. And so all growing up, and when I talk to a lot of other fathers, you know, that first kid is like, yeah, we just gotta sit and play together. You know, we got to sit and we just enjoy the experience. with twins it seemed like it was just a hey tactically let's just get it done. Let's just move through it. So I do feel like I missed out on some of those experiences of just the the enjoyment of of the moment because it was so much going on. And and so I I yeah I do at some point feel like I really let them down. I let myself down in that in that period of time. But honestly it's been spectacular. having them instant family all from the get go. It's it's just been a blast. Seth Stoker: I've always gotten a kick out of Jim Gaffigan's take on fatherhood or parenthood where he where he says, I when people ask him what it's like to be a parent, I think he says, Imagine you're drowning and then someone hands you a baby and I'm thinking I I've always Scott: Like. Seth Stoker: thought that's a little overboard, but with twins, that may be more true than any other situation. Scott: It is yeah, it is pretty wild. In in your experience though, Seth, growing up, like did you notice that you didn't I mean, because I would imagine for all twins, parents, and I was talking to somebody who had triplets and even more, so I can't even imagine what that's like. Just the the movement, the rush through everything just to get it done. Did you feel that as a kid growing up? Seth Stoker: You know, I I'm not sure I did. And I think part of that is, and I think this should be comforting to an extent to to any parents in the sense that like as much as you as a father, I I I've always thought nothing makes you more aware of your faults, your weaknesses, your mistakes than fatherhood. Like you you become very aware of of where you've messed up and you have regrets on what you could do better and everything like that. But as a kid in the moment, I didn't have anything to compare it to. And so for me, it's just the the life that we're living. And and I think about my parents because we grew up, my dad went back to grad school kind of later in his career. I think he was 30 when he went back to grad school. And as a result, as as students with with kids that were you know, with kids when almost nobody else had kids, we were very poor. And I think I knew that we didn't have much money or anything. We we lived in a very small house and things like that, but My parents raised us in such a way where like that didn't really have any impact on us. Like we we still would just go we we were able to to play in youth sports and things like that. We were able to still go and do. We weren't going to Disneyland. Like I never went to Disneyland until I had kids. in fact, I I remember my parents would probably be irritated at me for telling this story, but I remember one time for our birthday, we were huge Braves fans. I mean, my brother and I would stay up way later than we should watching Braves games. And in fact, it was back in the Chipper Jones, Scott: Yeah. Seth Stoker: Tom Glavin, John Schmoltz, Greg Maddox. And my favorite player for some reason was Ryan Clesco. I just loved his swing. Nobody knows who Ryan Clesco is now. But anyway, it doesn't matter. Scott: I have no idea. Seth Stoker: But but I I think about that. And I we we were huge Braves fans. And my parents, one year for our birthday, they got us these little foam tomahawks. They were Braves tomahawks that you would take to the game. Scott: Mm-hmm. Seth Stoker: And they said, For your birthday, we're going to a Braves game. And We never went to that Braves game to this day. Scott: No? Seth Stoker: and no, we didn't. And and I think part of it was we just I I think they had good intentions. I think they fully expected to take us to a Braves game, but from a financial perspective or or or whatever, we weren't able to make it work. But at the same time I never grew up feeling like I missed out on these things because it was just the experience that I was having and my parents did the best that they could and did an exceptional job of providing us with a great experience, despite the fact that we didn't have a ton of money or anything like that. And so I think this should give parents comfort to a certain extent that Your kids don't realize your imperfections near as much as you do when you're going through this process. And I heard you, Scott, talk about like the regrets that you have and things like that. You wish you would have done things differently. But that's just part of it too. Like your oldest kids are going you're going through it for the first time, and you're gonna you're gonna suck at times as a parent. You know, that's just part Scott: Mm-hmm. Seth Stoker: of it. Scott: Did you I I'm I'm sure you had growing up, I'm sure you had kids, peers that say, Hey, I went to Disney, had a great time. Have you know, can you imagine have have you been on Space Mountain? And you're just like, No, I haven't. Like, what's that? What's that like? I mean, because you have to have had those moments. Seth Stoker: Yeah, may maybe. Looking back, I I can't say that I felt like I just missed out on all these opportunities. I think I just Scott: Which is perfect. That makes me feel so relieved to to know that that to know that the kids aren't gonna be looking back and just like, Well, well, you you didn't take us to you know, to to England just to just to go see a play. It's like, yeah. Yeah. But Sally and her family were able to go. So yeah, no, that's that's super relieving to to hear. Seth Stoker: Yeah, the funny thing is, is no matter I'm I'm thinking about it and I'm like, man, no matter what level of affluence you have growing up or whatever, there's always somebody who's had cooler experiences than you. There's always somebody who's whose parents took him to Europe when they were a kid or or something like that, you know? And so I think I I think that's exactly why they say comparison is the thief of joy, right? Because there's always somebody who has more than you. And so I don't know why. I I can't speak to why we didn't compare more. And maybe we did back then, you know, maybe we told our parents, man, everybody else gets to go do these things. I can't remember exactly, but I can tell you this. Now at 43 years old, it doesn't bother me at all that we didn't have those experiences. Cause I'm really grateful for the experiences that we did have growing up. And even though we may not have had, you know, exceptional financial means or anything like that, my parents did do a great job of making sure that we had great experiences and great opportunities to develop. Scott, I'm talking too much, but I'm gonna I'm gonna share one more quick thing. Scott: No no no no Seth, but this is this is this is perfect. So what type of experience did you have? Seth Stoker: Well, I remember it was tough on my mom because when my dad went back to school, she had to go to work full time. And my dad ended up with his sketch class schedule. He was home a lot during the day. And so it was great for us because my dad actually, I I very clearly remember my dad taking us to the pool nearly every day for for at least you know for an hour or a couple hours or whatever. But he wouldn't just take us to the pool. Like he would take us to the pool. And he would play with us the entire time. Like I remember I'm 43 years old. And at at the time I was between ages five and ten. I was probably five to eight. And I remember vividly some of the dumb games that we would play in the pool with my dad and my sister. My sister was five, she's five years younger than us. So she was super young at the time. And i it's funny because that's a pretty cheap way to spend the summer. And you Scott: Mm-hmm. Seth Stoker: know what? It's the same as six flags, you know what I mean? Like we had a great time. We had a blast with our dad. And it created a really amazing relationship between us and our dad. and and certainly my mom too. Like we had amazing experiences with my mom. In that period of time, though, it we were so blessed to have that time with my dad. And I really think it set a foundation for me of understanding how to be present with your kids. And I'm so grateful for that now. And and I I try really hard to do the same thing as a dad. I play ping pong with my kids almost my well, especially with my boys almost every night, you know. We go fishing together, we go golfing together, we we do a lot of these these things together and have a lot of time and experience together. And I think that type of time and experiences with your dad has a huge impact on young men, especially. Scott: You had Mike and Skylar on whenever it was a few weeks ago. And I've had this conversation with with Mike on, hey, as a young father, I asked Mike and I said, Mike, is it quality or quantity? Like, cause I need focus and I need as a young father, I want to make sure I have an impact on my kids. So is it quality or quantity? And he says, Scott, you're missing the whole picture. He says it's both. He says, You need quality and you need quantity and you need them both to happen. And so because and I said, Well, well, Mike, but can I just like pinpoint? Like, let's just take them on a vacation. Let's do the Disney thing. Let's make it a big deal. And he says, But you realize you do that and what are they going to remember? And I started laughing because we'd just come back from a vacation and and it was a great vacation. We took the kids. I I I wish I could remember what it is. But I asked the kids, I said, okay, so what was the greatest time? Like what was the best part? It was jumping on the bed in the hotel room. It's like great. We could have literally done that three minutes from our house, but the greatest experience you had was something that cost nothing. But it was that quality versus quantity, and it's the combination of the both just to have that type of experience. You know, growing, growing up, from for me, my father loved to water ski, but he didn't love it at the beginning. When he first got married, it was my mother who was an avid raw water skier. And because they just loved it. And my dad said, okay, I can get into this. And what's interesting is he created this experience, this family experience. And mind you, we live in Phoenix. So we have to drive a ways to get to water. but having a a small little boat, there was nothing amazing, but having a nice boat growing up, we were able to go in this isolated moment. And it was the family driving out. As a family. It was driving out there quality time in the car together for 45 minutes. And then we're on the lake together. It's just the family, just us in a boat, tight space, you know, what is it? A maybe a five by 10 area that we all have to be crammed in there, you know, for the next several hours while we spend time watching each other, cheering each other on as we water ski. And then the exhaustion of driving back. Like that crafted time where we have to be together. I don't remember all of those experiences. Like the things that stick out to me in my mind are the car ride, listening to a s a specific song that we joke about as a family. it's a it's a Woodward song, but it's that that was what we remember. Like it's the song on that drive that sticks with us. So quality versus quantity, it's both. You have to have both of them because you don't know what the memory that's gonna stick is. Seth Stoker: Yeah, I agree. In fact, it's funny that you bring that up because my family's become a boating family and we absolutely love it for the same reason. Because A, yeah, we surf. We surf. Scott: Are are are you wake surfers or what are we doing? Yeah. Seth Stoker: We we wakeboarded for a while, but once we once we surfed, we were done. It it's all surfing all the time now. So, but but for the much for the same reason is you've got that captive audience on on the boat, spending time together. And you know what? Nobody's got their phones out on the boat. And I think that's really important. But but here's the thing, you don't have to have a boat to be able to create that type of an experience. I think it's really important to stress that like my parents, like we didn't we didn't have any kind of a anything like that growing up. But at the same time, my parents w made sure to provide those experiences for us. And so I think it's more about being intentional about creating those opportunities where everybody can put their distractions away and and just be together and just have fun together. You could do that at the park down the road. You can do that going camping overnight, you know? And and and it's very cheap to do. So it doesn't have to be this expensive thing. But you know, you mentioned quantity versus quality. And For me, I actually think quantity gets you quality. And what I mean by that is is if if as a father I'm with my kids, present with my kids enough, there will be those little golden teaching moments that you couldn't have had otherwise where Scott: No, no, but S Seth, you're exactly right on that though. If if if I can jump in, because because the thing is though, quality needs to be defined as your dad being in the pool with you. Like that's that's the quality. So the quality, when I say quantity and quality, the only caveat I put with your, you know, quality quality's key because if your dad would take you to the pool but would sit on and reading a book on the side, Seth Stoker: Bingo. Scott: that's not Quality. And so there's been many times where I've been with my kids, but I'm not with my kids. Like I'm there present, but I'm not. And that's not quality. And so, and so to your point, do I need to make this influential, impactful? Hey, these are the conversations we're gonna be having. Like, that's not how I define quality. Quality is having a connection with the kids and what we're doing. And as teenagers, it becomes we're with teenagers, it becomes a little bit more challenging because they're in their own thing. They want to do their own piece. And so trying to connect the quality and the quantity becomes really challenging when they're not there. And so then being present, it becomes a little bit more, it takes more effort. And then, like my son recently said, Hey, why is it when we're together, we just have these hard hitting you know, topic questions. And it's like, well, because I'm trying to create this quality piece and I'm missing the point. The quality is he just wants me there. Like he wants to work on a dirt bike. Great. I just need to be there with him, helping him, you know, holding a wrench, holding a screwdriver. That's the quality. Seth Stoker: You know, I think we feel just as dads, we understand, most of us understand the weight of our responsibility. I've got and and Burke talked about this in our episode last time. You've got 18 summers is what he talked about. 18 summers to to make your impact. And of course, like we'll be involved as long as we can, as as much as they'll let us be involved in things like that. And hopefully we've got a lot more than 18 summers. But at the same time, I I I think because we understand that that time is limited. We worry about, I gotta teach them this, I gotta teach them that, I gotta, I gotta find these opportunities. And I think sometimes we get away from what's really important, which is do they understand how much you love them? Do they feel peace in the home? Do they feel safe and do they feel peaceful with you? Are they comfortable bringing concerns and questions and things like that to you? Like if you create an environment like that, then you've succeeded to a certain extent as a dad. Like, yeah, there's there's always more you can do, there's always more you can teach. And you're never gonna look back and be like, man, I taught my kids everything they needed to know. Like I've never met one dad who said that, right? Scott: Okay, there are there are a couple of key things though. And so yeah, I agree with you a hundred percent. Seth Stoker: Okay. Scott: I had this, I had this thought and conversation with my wife about maybe about a year ago, because cause we came down to it and we literally had the conversation of my son has one summer left. Okay. What do we need to do? Just exactly to your point. Like what have we not taught him? And it came to the realization to me, and I went to both my sons and I said, have you Well, if you were gonna go into a barber shop or to get your hair cut, what would you say? And they said, Dad, what are you talking about? I said, Okay, there's these places where you go to get your hair cut. Some people call them a barbershop, some people call Seth Stoker: Mm-hmm. Scott: it they're just hair salon, whatever it is, but you go there and they cut your hair. You pay them money and they cut your hair, but you need to tell them what you want. And and and once again, this you're probably like, well, why? I have always cut my kids' hair growing up. Seth Stoker: Hmm. Scott: I've always been their barber. Okay. And so, and I'll tell you why in a second, but but when I was having the conversation with them, what would you say? They're like, we don't know. Just do it what you did last time. Seth Stoker: Interesting. Scott: And it's like, okay, well, that doesn't help them. And so maybe they'd show them picture. And so it was that realization for me of there are, okay, there are a couple of key fundamental things that you need to know. And and one of them is. Hey, how do get your hair cut? Another huge success story that I just love is my my daughter comes home maybe about three weeks ago and she was so excited. And I was like, What happened? This is my 17-year-old daughter. And she says, Dad, you wouldn't believe we helped somebody jumpstart their car. And I said, Great, what did you do? And she said, Well, the battery's dead. Somebody had jumper cables, but a teacher came out. The teacher didn't know how to use jumper jumper cables. You know, the person who's driving the car didn't know. Nobody knew. And she says, I just got this big grin on my face. I know how to use jumper cables because my dad taught me how to do it. And so she says, here's how we did. And we started the car, and it was the greatest experience because Seth Stoker: Cool. Scott: I was taught how to use jumper cables. And so for some of that, it's what are we teaching the kids? There's some couple core basic things that we need to teach the kids. And then, and then to your point, we won't be able to teach them all. And that's okay. But one of the reasons why I wanted to chose to cut the kids' hair is because as a As a young single adult, I was talking to an older gentleman and he says, Hey, one thing that I've absolutely enjoyed doing is cutting my kids and grandkids' hair. And I said, That's really weird. And he said, Well, no, no, no. He says, But look at the look at it. He says, I get to control how long the haircut takes. And I get to Seth Stoker: Ha ha ha. Scott: control because they're not going anywhere. They're not walking around. They're not getting up and leaving. They're not looking on their phone. They're not doing any. They are a captive audience 100%. And I have something super sharp in my hands. So they're not going to wiggle or do anything. And I can ask them whatever question I want in that moment. So as long as they're in the chair, I can ask them anything. And so I love that moment. And so, so I love, I get this, you know, as a kid, my father was spectacular. He helped, he was big into Covey. And so it was goal setting. And then once a month we sat with him, you know, it was a one-on-one meeting with him of hey, what are the goals? What are we working on? It was a great. That's not my style. And so my style, and maybe it should be, but my style is, hey, I'm going to put them in the barber chair and I'm going to sit down with them and we're going to have a conversation for anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour, depending on how serious it goes and depending on how many times I can cut the same piece of hair. But we get to have a conversation of what's going on. How's life? How you feeling? What are you working on? You know, what keeps you up? What are you super stressed about? You know, that Howard's the friend group. Like that's the those are the conversations we get to have in the barber chair. And it's a lot of fun, at the detriment of my kids not knowing having ever stepped foot in a hair salon in their life. Seth Stoker: Yeah, it's such a great example though of the the trade off as a dad, right? Because you basically it's the boat all over again. You've got them there in the chair and a captive audience, like you talked about, you're able to have those conversations. And you know, I I look back and think about some of the biggest lessons that I had to learn, I had to learn on my own. Like I had never done it before at as an adult. And and there's no way as a parent that you you have to prepare them for as many of these scenarios as possible. And yeah, I think the the barber one is a great example. But also, like I think your kids would be fine if they go to the barber shop and they have to be a little bit more descriptive than they expected to have to be or whatever. You know what I mean? And and so I I think I think it's a great point though that like they're the the jumper cables, changing a tire, tying a necktie, you know, that there are there are a million things that we have a responsibility to teach them, and we'll try to tackle as many as we can. But it's probably a good idea for any parent to step back and say, what are the most important things that I need to teach my kids? Like if they take, if they enter adulthood and have nothing else in their tool belt, what do I need to make sure they need to have? That could be different for every kid. I mean, a lot of them will be the same. But I think if we never take a step back and look at those things, then it's probably gonna be a lot easier down the road to feel like, man, I wish. I had focused on that, you know. Scott: Seth, what the top three things in your mind that are those the top three things that somebody has to learn as a kid? Seth Stoker: Yeah, really good question. I I talked about it a little bit with Jordan Phillips a few episodes ago because I think the number one thing that we need to teach our kids is resilience. And the reason now that's a hard thing to teach, and we're we're we'll unpack that for for sure. But your kids have to be able to face challenges, experience challenges, and understand that the world has not ended. Just because things get taught get hard, that's the life goes on and we got to figure out how to navigate it anyway. And so I think resilience becomes a really important principle for for you to teach your kids because it's applicable in nearly every aspect of their life. They can't avoid challenges. So that's one thing. I think the second thing is that's your number three. Scott: That's my number three, by the way. As I'm going in order, my my top three, my number three, instead of resilience, I said work hard. I think they're the exact same thing though. Like you gotta learn how what hard work actually is, because there's gonna be many times where you just don't want to do it. Many Seth Stoker: Yeah. Scott: times in the middle of the night where you wake up because the baby's crying and the wife's tired and it's your turn. Like you don't want to do it, but the kids gotta eat. And Seth Stoker: You just gotta do it. Yeah. Scott: so you gotta do it. Like that's hard work. Doing things when you absolutely don't want to and you just gotta drag yourself out and make it happen because it needs to be done. You can't give up on it. Resilience. Love it. That's my number three. Seth Stoker: I love that too. I I, in fact, I I would probably I would probably put your hard work obviously in the top three as well, because I think that's super important. But the other thing that I think is critical, and this is tough to teach as well, because as kids, as babies, we all start out selfish naturally. I gotta eat, I wanna eat, I'm gonna cry until I eat, you know, gotta go to the bathroom, whatever. And That's our natural, these are our natural instincts. Our natural instincts is our own comfort and survival, right? And so I think the most important thing that you can teach your kids, one of the most important things you can teach your kids, is that they are not the center of the universe. That you are not here to live only for yourself. If if you are only here to fulfill your own desires, then you're going to live a very unfulfilling and unhappy life. And I think in a family setting, that's a really easy thing to teach. We've got five people in my family, and that's five people that want have their own happiness and and their own interests and things like that. And it requires sacrifice for all five of those people to be happy. And that means You cannot just do whatever it is that you want to do or whatever's fun at the time or whatever, at the expense of everybody else. And yeah, Scott: Dad, I wanna do it. But dad, come on. Seth Stoker: exactly. But I I think learning self-sacrifice, and as I'm saying this, I I think about ways that I probably wish I would have taught that a little bit better, even. But I think just helping them understand that you are not the center of the universe, that there are other people who Have things that they want, have things that they need, and your interest is not the most important thing. In fact, more fulfillment comes from serving the interest of others and helping helping them be happy. I've I have never once felt like, because I sought my own happiness. my or or or my own, you know, pleasure in the moment or whatever, that that was better that made me a better person. That I that I became something. And and we talked a little bit, Scott, before before we started recording about the idea of becoming and the fact that we're not finished products. And there is no way for you to reach your full potential if you're only worried about yourself. So yeah, that's a big one for me. Scott: And that's my number two. In in literally in Seth Stoker: No kidding. Scott: my rank of one, two, and three, my number two is serve others. Like you have to the kids have to be able to learn how to serve others. And that's that's one of the things my number one will highlight it better, but but this number two idea of serve others, this is something where having a great example really sets the tone in your life. And so I and and I remember I remember being in a soccer game. I was playing. Dad was there cheering me on. My father's a spectacular father, by the way. Like, I don't just for he's unbelievably amazing in so many ways. just a spectacular individual, human being. He's great. And furthermore, like he was there cheer me on, which was great. And I remember my good buddy Andy got hurt. Somebody kicked him and he fell down. And we might have been maybe eight years old, somewhere around there. And And Andy had just gone, his parents had just gotten divorced a couple of years before. And I'd never met Andy's dad. I don't even know if Andy's dad was still around. but his mom was there. But his mom, I think they had like four or five kids in the family. She's now single mom trying to figure out how to make things work. She just couldn't make the game, which is just fine, but she couldn't be there. And I remember my dad looking around, realizing the situation, realizing that my Good buddy Andy just got hurt, hurt his ankle. He comes out on the field, scoops Andy up. And then I just remember going home, you know, after the game. And dad obviously had tried to make a couple telephone calls, can't get a hold of mom. But we go home and and I watch my dad put Andy up on the workbench. You know, we take off the shoe and he's taking a look at the ankle. And he's trying his best to wrap up the ankle, to help Andy in this moment. That's something that can't be taught. Like that's something for me, the most one of the most ingrained moments is watching my father help Andy with his ankle. You know, something so small, something so small, so meanly meaningless. My dad was would never have been like, hey, this is the moment. Let me set this amazing example of taking this kid and helping with his ankle. Like that would never have been a thing. But it's just what he did. And because he did it, that set for me this amazing example of, okay. That's what's supposed to happen. You know, seeing seeing Andy, seeing his mom then come pick him up and being so grateful for my dad being able to be there. My dad was like, Yeah, no problem. Like this just what it what what needed to happen. You know, and he learned that from his father because I have an amazing grandfather who probably spent too much time at work, but we don't need a Monday bat Monday, Monday or armchair quarterback, Monday quarterback, the whole thing. Like it's, it's, he, he, my. Grandfather set in a beautiful example of serving others. And it was incredible. And it passed down to my father. And so now it's just innate in me of, hey, how can I help other people? And hopefully that's passed down to my kids. So when my daughter sees the need for the jumper cables, she just doesn't drive on past. She's like, hey, I think I can help out. I know how to do this. Let me get out Seth Stoker: Mm-hmm. Scott: there and let me serve other people. So that's my number two thing. And I love it serve others. Seth Stoker: So how have you, 'cause that that's clearly important for both of us, how have you made sure to pass that on to your kids? Scott: you know, being too hard on yourself, you I yeah, beat myself up and think I I'm not just I'm not doing a good enough job. You know, I'm not doing it. one one thing that I have done is being active in organization. The church allows for that active help. And so when I'm going on to make visits, I'm going to see somebody who just had a baby, I'm going to see somebody who's dying. I'm gonna go, you know. Be with them or take them something. I'm trying desperately to grab one of my kids where appropriate to go with me so they can see that moment. Hey, here's what serving others looks like. I'm sacrificing my time with you for what? For this. Because I'm gonna be with next to somebody whose spouse is passing away. Like that's that's where I'm gonna be. That's where the sacrifice is. Instead of me being with you 100% of the time, I'm there doing that type of thing. It's not. I'm with my buddies going to watch a movie. It's not, you know, I'm just, I'm just hanging out and doing, doing whatever, wherever. It's like I'm, I'm not with you because this is what I'm doing. And so that for me, that's how I'm trying to set that example. I think we're gonna find out in 10, 15 years from now if it actually works, if it actually is, was the right thing. But we'll see. But that's that's what I'm choosing to do right now. Seth Stoker: Well it sounds like Scott the big piece is is It's really important, obviously, that you're doing those things, that you're sacrificing your time to serve others and things like that, setting that example. But you know what? It doesn't teach anything if you don't take with you. And so I I love that you said, Hey, when I'm going to do that stuff, I'm always grabbing one of to to go with me or whatever. And I think I think that's the key. I mean, we have opportunities every now and then to help people move and things like that. And and I snag my boys whenever my can whenever I can. My my thirteen year old, honestly, he's not lifting that much. impactful stuff, you know, but he's he's there and we're giving him little things to do and it gives him the opportunity to at least experience serving, even, you know, even if he can't carry the heavy stuff or whatever. And I think, I think that's crucial is we thinking beyond ourselves also means thinking about what experiences can I provide them to be able to actually see it in action. Scott: So Seth, we s as we take a look at what three things kids need to know. You've spoken about resilience, serving others. We're aligned so far. I'm curious what's what's that third one? Let's let's see if we match up a hundred percent. Did you have a third one or we just are those the the the top two? Seth Stoker: Yeah, I might have cheated a little bit because I was thinking I would just adopt your work hard. as Scott: Well, let let me, I'll I'll I'll give you my number one, which I Seth Stoker: Okay. Scott: which I hate to say it, I'm fairly confident you're gonna agree because you've agreed with it on the past two podcasts in a row when it's been brought up. Seth Stoker: Tell me. Scott: Loving their mom. Seth Stoker: Mm. Scott: It's been brought up in almost every episode you've done of hey, how do you become an amazing father? You love their mom and you show that love. Like that for some reason, it just it's a repetitive theme. On your show. And it's really cool to see because it's so true. Like you want to teach them how to respect women, love their mom. You want to teach them how to have a healthy relationship? Love their mom. You want to teach them how to become a good father themselves. Love their mom. Like that it all comes down to, hey, show love. And I just, I remember my dad beating that into me so many times, he would just say, Hey, love your mom. And he says, I'm going to show you that example. And he says, so if you want to make the biggest impact, it's me, this is him speaking, me caring and loving for your mom. And there were many times as a teenager, unfortunately, regretfully, that I would get frustrated or mad at my mother. I've never seen my father more angry in his life than when I was not nice to his spouse. And he let me know that hey, this is something you do not do. And unfortunately, be me being a slow learner, it took a couple of times, but he was really clear of hey, you are not mean to my wife. You can do anything you want to do within reason, but even with that, anything you want to do, but one thing that I will not tolerate is you not being nice to my wife. And that set this amazing tone in my life of because I'm I'm one boy of three sisters. And so it's okay, that's how I'm gonna treat women. That's how that's the respect that's needed. So when I take a look at my top three, my number one is loving their mom, loving my wife and making sure that they see it. And it was fun because I came home yesterday and I kissed my wife and my my my 15 year olds looking over and trying to v be like that. that that that's gross, how disgusting. Why would you kiss her? And and it's just like, dude, no, like you need to see this. Like I'm in love with her. Like, and that's awesome. But that's the number one thing on my list that kids have to learn, which is fascinating because it's not the how to change a tire. It's not, you know, the what to get how to get your hair cut. It's not how to iron a shirt, how to dress, what to look like, you know, and on it should be like take a shower and brush your teeth, but it's not that those things, it's hey, here's here's what love looks like, here's what selfless sacrifice looks like, and here's what resilience looks like of you're gonna work hard and you're never gonna give up on it. Like those are the top things to teach. And it's Seth Stoker: Yeah. Scott: not done in a 10 minute, here's how to change a tire episode. It's hey, this is a lifetime of parenting showing you time and time again of what these look like. Seth Stoker: I love that so much. And it is funny how much that has come up on these conversations, but it's it it it's because there's no way around it. In fact, we talked about self-sacrifice and serving others, and I don't think there's any scenario better than marriage to show that to your kids because You're constantly having to self-sacrifice. Your relationship isn't gonna last very long if you're only worried about yourself, right? And so we've seen a we we've talked to a lot of great examples of that on the podcast. But I think about my dad. And as I reflect back on some of the things that he taught me, one of the most important things that he taught me was to love my mom as well. And I see the way he treated her. You know, I'm not sure I really ever saw them fight. now I I've lost that battle. I think our kids have seen me and my wife fight once or twice, you know. But I think we do pretty we do pretty good at at making sure that they see it's little things that we do to make sure that our kids know how much we love each other. And and a couple of rules that that I think back to that have that kind of just became unspoken rules. When we go to church. I sit by your mom. Like we we we sit together. You guys can sit it do ya? We Scott: Do the I do the same thing. Yeah, but if but mine mine wasn't unspoken. Mine was mine was a very deliberate. Hey, this is what's gonna happen. Because Seth Stoker: Yeah. Scott: because you're all important and I love you all. She's the most important and I want Seth Stoker: Yep. Scott: this time. Seth Stoker: Yep. Exact w exactly. And and I guess I shouldn't say unspoken because I tell them to move every time they they sat in my spot. Scott: Yeah. Seth Stoker: And so but the other thing is is just dumb little stuff like my wife and I are in the pantry and like I go in there and and give her a kiss or whatever and and and my kids start talking to us or whatever and I say, Hey, you you guys know the rule. When I'm smooching your mom, you leave us alone. And just, you know, dumb little things like that that you do, but I do think it's so important not only to teach them self-sacrifice and all that, but hey, you want to have a successful relationship, you're going to have to do the exact same thing. And I think modeling what a successful relationship should look like may be the most important thing you do for your kids. Hmm. Scott: I love it. Can I change topics a little bit? Cause I really want your opinion. Okay. Seth Stoker: Let's go. Scott: I really want your opinion on on on this. I think I've made a fundamental mistake parenting. And I need you as as the dadical CEO and founder to be able to to Seth Stoker: Join the club, Scott. Scott: help and let's figure out how I get out of this and what I do, or if it's just too late and I've made an eternal negative impact on. On my raising kids. So as my kids have been growing up, I've told them, I've told, okay, hang with me. Don't just give up on me on the first couple minutes. Okay, Seth? Like, I I need you to hang with me. Don't Seth Stoker: Okay. Scott: don't hang up and just say, Yeah, this is not the person we want on this podcast yet. Okay. Okay, perfect. Seth Stoker: Alright, you you've got a little leeway, Scott. Let's see how you do with it. Scott: Perfect. I've told my kids, I said, listen. You're gonna be mediocre and that's okay. Okay. I need to define this a little bit. Okay. When I'm saying mediocre, I growing up like you and the Braves, I loved the Phoenix Suns. I love Dan Marley, Kevin Johnson, Tom Chambers. Like I loved, I love those guys. You know, the Jeff Hornace of the world. Like those, those are my people. And I so desperately Seth Stoker: He's ours now. Scott: wanted to be exactly like them. And I thought, hey, I can be an NBA star. Okay. By the time I was a freshman in high school, that dream was shattered because Seth Stoker: Hm. Scott: I wasn't good enough. I wasn't tall enough. Looking at my physical, you know, my family tree, we don't have the physicality. We don't have, we're not genetically built that way. I have not won the genetic lottery to be an NBA player, period. Okay. Just never gonna be in the DNA. And so I had to come to grips with that. Well, having that be a devastating blow in my life, I turned to my kids and I said, hey, listen, here's the deal. You're gonna be awesome, but you're gonna be mediocre. And that's okay. Like more than likely, statistically speaking, you are just gonna have a normal job. You're gonna be a plumber. You're gonna be, you know, a bank teller. You know, you you might be, you know, a you know, a vice president of a company. You might work construction, you know, you might have a desk job. I said, the reality that the world knows your name or that you're gonna be president of the United States or some mega rock star superstar, it's not likely just because genetic buildup. And so I've set this idea, this this fundamental ideology for them that they're gonna be mediocre. And unfortunately, I think it's had a detrimental impact. Okay, so let me flip this scenario. I have this feeling. And I keep telling them of my expectations for them. I have super high expectations for them. You know, I expect A's at school. Do they always deliver? No, but that's the expectation. The expectation is the high expectation. I expect A's. I expect you to do this perfectly. You know, that's the expectation. Because what I can't have is I can't have them coming back and I said, I tried my best. It's like, great. I don't need you to try your best. Because just like my father, my parents looked at me and saw that I was capable of so much more. If I would have just settled for my best, well, I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing now. You know, if my best at that age was just like, okay, I'm gonna be, you know, I'm just gonna, you know, walk dogs for the rest of my life. And that's totally cool. Like, if that's your job, so be it. That's that's great. You be the best dog walker. But the idea, the the expectation is, is I they have a certain level of expectation for me because they know my potential. Burke did a wonderful job explaining this. And I felt the same way. Burke said his father being the wrestling coach, he was harder on him as because his son than Seth Stoker: Mm-hmm. Scott: the others. And he was wondering why. And and Burke said it in in so many ways, which is his dad knew what he could become. His dad knew the expectation. So his dad nowhere's knows knew where he could push him the most. Because the expectation. I know you can be here, but your best, you only see here. And so I Seth Stoker: Mm-hmm. Scott: can't let you do just your best because your best does not reach your full expectation. Seth Stoker: You don't know what your best is yet. Scott: Great correct. No clue. And it's totally fine. But I, as your parent, as your father, I see what you potentially can become. And it's unbelievably cool. And it's not your best. It's here, above your best. This is the expectation. And so yeah, I'm gonna push you. And Burke's father on the wrestling mat, he pushed him really hard, harder than the rest, and wondering why. It's because his father signed him something greater than Burke signed himself. And so with me, with growing up myself, my father pushed me. It's like, I don't, I'm a C student. I'm not gonna get A's. yeah, you are. That's the expectation. The expectation's A's. Well, my best is C's and deal with it. It's like, no, no, no, no. That doesn't work in this household. You have a higher expectation. Seth Stoker: Well well Scott, so I I I I I and I you called this out, but I'm hearing two different things. Like, hey, you're going to be wildly mediocre, but I expect you to reach your full potential. So help help us unpack that a little bit. Scott: No, this is and this is the fundamental problem. This is where I think I've totally screwed up, you know, understanding this whole notion of, hey, you're gonna be mediocre, but I have this super high expectation for you. And this is where fundamentally, looking back now with teenagers, people, kids leaving the house here in just a little bit, have I made one of the greatest parenting flaws ever of just wildly confusing my kids? Okay. My kids are spectacular, like they're awesome. Right. And I think while while I joke about it, I do worry about it. The reality is probably not, but it's still something that I think about. Okay, here's the thing. Seth Stoker: Well, yeah. Scott: They now could my kid be like an NBA all-star? Probably not. Okay. Genetically, we haven't won that lottery. Can my daughter, you know, or or can she be a rock star? Probably not. Just don't have those connections. You know? And so I look at a lot of my friends, my peers, and what they're doing for their kids. They're pushing them really, really hard in sports. And I'm curious, are we pushing them hard because you think they're going to be Olympians? Or are we pushing them hard because you want to teach and develop something? Teach and develop something's great. Olympians, I wonder, like, is it? Is it worth like are your kids really gonna do it? Are you setting them up for something? But so so the idea here is when I take a look at at mediocre, I really wish I would have put a caveat on that because yes, statistically, they're probably gonna become the best CPA that they possibly can be. Are they gonna be Seth Stoker: Mm-hmm. Scott: world renowned CPA? No. You know, are they be gonna become the best nurse that they've ever that they ever potentially could be? Yes. Okay. Are they gonna be world renowned? No. Are we gonna remember their name like Madame Curie? Probably not. Okay. But that's okay. Because while that might happen, which is cool, and they have total potential to do that, the expectation is not that. Like my expectation for my kids is not that you get a Nobel Peace Prize or you fail as a kid. Like that's not the expectation. The expectation is, hey, I want you to become the absolute best human being that you can be, but not that you as you see it, but to reach your full potential. So your whole objective is to reach your full potential, which I see is super high. They don't see it even close what their potential is. And even for me, I probably miss the mark because I'm probably still too low. But the reality is, is they need to reach their full potential. And my job is to push them, make them uncomfortable just a little bit, and keep them going. And mediocrity isn't that they're average or below average. It's not C players, it's not doing their best. Mediocrity is hey. you are going to have a great impact for society. You just probably aren't going to be known more than two generations. And that's okay as long as you reach your full expectation. Seth Stoker: You know, Scott, I don't think I I don't think you've made this wild mistake that you that you're suggesting here. Scott: That that that's nice that you think that, Seth. I'm I'm so worried and will be worried for a very, very long time. Seth Stoker: Well, but here's here's what I think you've done. I I think it's a mislabel. I think what you're calling mediocrity is largely defined by the the world, the you know, the our our society and the the certain statuses with it that that's kind of been defined by whether it's social media or whether it's just you know, the our society at large or whatever. And I think this highlights Which I which I'm sure you've you've done, but I think this highlights as a father one of our most important responsibilities that I probably should have called out earlier. Because I believe that one of the most important things that we have to do is we have to help our kids find purpose. And if our kids' purpose, what they view as their purpose, is what social media, what prof professionally they think they are supposed to accomplish or whatever, I think they are totally missing the boat and they're setting themselves up for disappointment no matter what. And the reason I say that is because you're right. Like, I'm not, I'm not gonna be an NBA player either. My son played basketball in high school, and I would have loved to see him, but he's he's 5'9. And well, he he'll get mad at me for saying that. He's 5'10 with shoes. And he he's not gonna make it to the NBA either, and he had to accept that. But you know what? That doesn't really matter because Mediocre or exceptional has nothing to do with what you become professionally. In fact, what you become professionally matters zero. And the most important thing is who do you become in relation to your potential as a human being? And we've talked about a lot of those things: the self-sacrifice, serving others, discipline, and the ability to or a willingness to work hard, resilience. Like these things are things that make you exceptional. No matter what situation that you're in. And so for for my kids, what I want is I want I want my son to grow up and be the best husband. Like I want him to grow up and be exceptional. The the NBA MVP of husbands is what I want him to become. And then I want him to become the MVP of fathers. Like I want him to become the best father he could possibly be. And you know what? Does that mean he'll be the best father ever? No. But he can reach his potential as a dad. And I don't care what anybody else is doing. Like I don't care how he compares himself to the guy who lives next door or whatever. But is he reaching his full potential as a husband, as a father, as a human? Go do whatever you want in your career. Cause that doesn't matter. Your your career is a means to an end. It provides you the life that you can spend. it provides you the means to live the life that you live with your family. But at the end of the day, exceptional has nothing to do with becoming that NBA player. And I think, I think as a father, my job is to teach that purpose and help them understand that because then they set their priorities on the right things rather than chasing these, you know, the exceptionalism that's created rather than the the the true definition of exception exceptionalism. Does that make sense? Scott: It does. The caveat that I put with all of that are words matter. And so as I'm using the word mediocre, like that's where I think I've really gone wrong. And so I'll give you, I'll give you a great example. I'm hiking with the family. We want a a small little hike, and this is a rare event, because anyway, if it's glad this isn't full body, because you'd see this body's not built for hiking. I don't understand why people do that. It's weird. Seth Stoker: People hike in Phoenix? Scott: But so we're so we're hiking. My daughter was she was young at the time. So let's call her, let's make her eight years old. So we're hiking along, eight years old. She trips, she falls, she skins her knee. And I look back, and before the tears come, she because she gashed her knee just a little bit, she picks up some dirt and she rubs it on her knee. And then now she looks up with tears in her eyes. She looks up and she says, Dad. That does not feel better at all. And I'm just like, what? And she says, Will you just say rub some dirt on it and move on? And she says, it doesn't make it feel any better at all. That hurts worse. And so now I walk over and I'm trying to clean the dirt out of the wound, thinking those words matter. The words where I said, hey, just rub some dirt on it and move on. Just those side comments of like, hey, like deal with it. Like keep going. The phrasing that I used made a difference to an eight-year-old. And she literally took dirt and rubbed it in her wound, thinking that that truly was going to make it better. Words matter. And so when my wife and I fast or rewind maybe like two or three years from that, we're having a conversation with our kids, our five-year-olds, six-year-olds, and they're getting ready to go to school. We wanted to have the initial pornography conversation. Like, hey, what do you? Do what do you not look at? And so my wife leads out on a lot of these conversations because she's great and I'm more sarcastic. And so we're having this conversation and and I can't remember some whatever ridiculous comments that I would have made at the time. but so we're having the conversation and and we get to hey, you shouldn't look at, you know, pictures, you know, certain types of pictures, and and you know, if somebody's, you know, sharing, you know, or wanting to share something, you know, just make sure that you're aware of this. So Super high level for the for the age appropriateness of hey, what to do. So for me, wanting to make sure that our point was understood, I asked, okay, what did you learn? And she said, she said, Well, if somebody wants to show me a picture, I should ask, are they of naked people? And I said, Okay, no, like huge parenting fail. No, like words, words, huge success. Can you imagine? Seth Stoker: You're like, we did it Scott: Like, no, like Words and phrasing matters. And so, so fast forward a couple of years from there, we're having the whole a whole stranger danger conversation about, hey, here's how you keep yourself safe. And so my wife was like, Hey, some people are, you know, might want to take advantage, whatever. And so me adding my comments as I normally do, I said, okay, there's a couple of things mom hasn't spoken about. Don't get into a white van without windows. Don't talk to anybody who has a mustache. And I can't remember what the what the what the third thing was. And so So anyway, so we're living down in South Florida. My daughter and my son, they're invited to this birthday party of some friends of ours, great, great people. And so we show up, and it's just myself and like four other, you know, maybe five other guys and their kids and maybe a grandpa, and we're all just sitting around in the in the hot tub while and we kind of have our feet in. We're sitting on the side of the, you know, the side of the and the feet dangling in, and the kids just kind of running around inside. And we're just having a great conversation. And so One of these grandfathers asked my daughter as she's running, Hey, what's your name? And she looks up, looks at him, and looks down and keeps running around. And she comes back around and he says, maybe you didn't hear me. Hey, what's your name, cute girl? She looks up and looks back down and keeps running. And I'm like, Liz, like he's asked you what his name is, your name is. Like, why aren't you answering? And she says, But dad. And if you can't see, she takes her finger, a straight finger, and rubs it across the top lip. Pointing that, hey, he's got a mustache. And I look around, and my, these awesome friends, they're from, I think they were from some part of Latin America. I'm the only person in that hot tub who does not have a mustache. And she says, Dad, he has a mustache. I can't talk to him. Okay. This is the this, and this was weeks after we had the conversation. So words matter. And then I had to go on and explain to the whole group of guys. Of why my daughter's not going to talk to any one of them because y'all have mustaches. Okay. So when we've come to the point, words matter, especially with young kids. And so that's where when we talk about mediocrity, hey, you're going to be mediocre. Okay. Words matter. They're not going to be mediocre. That's not the expectation. The expectation is, hey, you be the best person that you can be. And so when we talk about in parenting, in fatherhood, words matter. What do I say to my wife? How is that showing that I love her? Because while she might understand it's a joke or she might understand it as sarcasm, that's not what my kids are gonna perceive. You know, my kids perceive something totally different. If I tell my kids, hey, I'm just gonna go hang out with some people. In reality, I'm gonna go to a church, a men's group, or something like that. Like words matter. They need to know what I'm doing. I traveled significantly when they were young. I was two weeks in the country, two weeks out of the country. And, you know, words, what I told them what I was doing. They literally went to their first grade teacher and told them that I was an airplane pilot. Okay. Wildly not true. Okay. I just spent significant time on airplanes, but I was not an airplane pilot. So what we're telling to our kids, I it's for me personally, it's a fine balance between sarcasm and hey, you need to understand this is what it is. And thankfully those experiences happened young with the kids because I was able to say, hey, words matter. This is what's, this is where I'm going. This is what I'm doing. This is what I'm feeling. This is what we should talk about in a very direct, direct manner. Seth Stoker: So Scott, let me ask you this, because let let's learn from that. I mean, I obviously you feel like you wish you would have handled it a little differently. Let's say you go back and have that conversation now. How would you frame that that mediocrity versus you know, reaching your full potential? How would you approach that differently? Scott: By setting it by setting that expectation, like, hey, here's the expectation. The expectation is you are going to become the best version of yourself possible. The challenge is you don't see it yet. And you're going to get frustrated when you make a mistake because while even if you do see some potential and you make a mistake, then you're going to pull back thinking, I'm not good enough. I'm disappointing somebody. I'm letting somebody down. That's never the case. And so making sure that my children know, and I've once again, I wish I was really good at this and I'm not. And and I hope sometime my kids get to hear this to know how proud of them I am, how proud of my father is of me, and how proud of I am of him and his father before him. Like the reality is the expectation is you need to become the best version of yourself possible. The reality is, is I don't remember all those ski trips and what happened. I don't remember all of the events, the vacations that we've had, but I remember jumping on the bed. In the hotel. My kids remember jumping on the bed. I remember a silly song that was played on the drive to and from. The reason I say that is because while the kids might feel or I might feel that I'm missing the expectation of the best person of myself, the best possible version of myself possible, I might feel like I miss it. The reality is nobody's going to remember it. I don't think any of those guys sitting around the hot tub remember the one of the most embarrassing incidents that I've had as a parent. Nobody's gonna remember that. And if they do, they're gonna laugh it off as the funniest story ever. But the idea is if we miss that potential, it's okay. We're gonna keep trying, keep going forward, keep trying to reach that expectation of the best possible version of yourself. Because the reality is, are you gonna be an average dad? Yeah, you are. But to your kid, Seth Stoker: Mm-hmm. Scott: you're not average. To your kid, you are the best version of yourself possible, even though you feel like you're struggling. Don't give up, keep going. And so going back to my kids, it's like mediocrity. The idea is: hey, you might, you may be the absolute best. You might be an Olympian. You might be the world's greatest pop star. If that's the best version of you, that's great. The reality is, genetically, you might not be. And that's okay because the best version of yourself doesn't have to be. And I'm gonna love you along the way, no matter what you do. Slip-ups, mess ups, successes, I'm gonna love you. along the way. And I'm going to be your biggest fan, your biggest cheerleader. But just as Burke said, I'm going to be the coach that's there looking at you and saying you can continue to do better. Keep going, keep pushing, keep wrestling. Cause that's the idea is we're continually trying to push to become better, best versions of ourselves. That's what I would love my kids to understand. Seth Stoker: I love that, Scott. And I I I think maybe the one thing that I would add to that is something that's come up in previous episodes too is one of our most important roles as fathers is to help our children understand what their strengths are and help them become exceptional at those things. Like just because you Scott: I love that. Seth Stoker: want to become an NBA player, great, right? But maybe so so for example, my oldest son is working as an electrician right now, going through trade school. And the cool thing is well, I don't we didn't think it was cool at the time. He hated school, you know? And the idea of going to a four four years of of more of this torture, you know, I I he he he came up during COVID and things like that that really just kind of soured him on the whole school experience, kind of made him feel like it didn't really matter. We went two years without doing it. So but anyway, long story short though, he loves he loves working as electrician. He loves being able to see the difference between what, you know, an unfinished product project, this house that's that's just framed out and figuring out how to run the wires all the different areas of the house and stuff like that, and and doing it effectively in man. He is he is learning so much and becoming exceptional in his craft. So, so he's recognized that he has a skill here, and this is something that he enjoys. He's he's willing and able to put certain focus and energy towards it and things like that. And I can challenge him to double down on those areas as a father and help him truly become exceptional at that. And encourage him to become exceptional at that. And I think I I think that's the thing is it's it's redefining redefining what exceptional means for that person. And it so much comes down to what their strengths are. And if you can help them realize those things early on, it's not a bad thing to say, hey, you know what? You're not You don't run very fast, but but boy do you hit hard. So let's put you on the D line or or whatever the case may be, you know, like help it helping them recognize those things. I always end up defaulting to sports analogies, but it is what it is. Scott: Love it. Seth Stoker: Scott, I I I feel like we could just talk about this topic for hours. I would love to throw a few quick hitters at you. And get your thoughts on how you approach certain topics with your kids that maybe I haven't been able to cover on other episodes. Can I fire some off at you? Okay. Scott: Yeah, let's do Seth Stoker: First things first, how do you so you've got a c two seniors, your twins are seniors, a son and a daughter, correct? So how are you approaching things like dating? Scott: It's interesting nowadays, kids just want to do the whole hangout. They don't want to actually go on a formal date. And the whole difference between, hey, we're just met and now we're talking and then we're dating. for me, it's where it's interesting. It's where the kids are at right now. There's interest to go on some dates, but it's for me, it's trying to push them. I want them to have that, hey, go out with somebody. You know, so we're not too far along that I'm not having to hey pull things back. It's more of hey, I'm trying to push them out. Hey, go on a date, go ask somebody. I think I Seth Stoker: Yeah. Have these experiences. Scott: think it's twins, it's it's a unique experience there because I think you know, they know each other's friends. And so there's some nervousness of of you know, who's gonna ask who and and why. So, but the idea is trying to, I'm trying to push them as much as possible, go on dates, develop those relationships. but as far as I'm not a huge fan right now of them getting serious with an individual. I think there's plenty of time for that later on. And so right Seth Stoker: Mm-hmm. Scott: now it's just developing those, those skills of, hey, let's, let's get the reps in right now of meeting somebody, evaluating if they're a good person, and then move on to the next one. Just keep those basic repetition steps. Seth Stoker: So Scott, hang on though, because you're encouraging them to date. High school sweethearts happen all the time, right? It it takes one date for them to decide, I'm ready to get serious with this person. So how do you balance that? Encouraging them while at the same time, how are you gonna manage it if they start to get serious with somebody? Scott: So I I've had this conversation with with them before and others, but but if you've never had meat before and you taste a hot dog, you're gonna think that's the best thing ever. Okay. If you've never, but then from there it's like, hey, well, let me introduce you to steak. You know, let's try that. And you're gonna realize that, hey, a filet's pretty awesome, but a ribeye Seth Stoker: Mm-hmm. Scott: is unbelievably good. You know, dessert. Great, you've never had dessert before. Well, I'm gonna introduce you. I guess cereal would probably be better. Let me let's because it's so much more fun. Cereal, like you, you've tasted raisin bran and you think raisin bran and milk is the greatest thing ever. It's simply because you haven't tried enough cereals. Wait until you get to honeycombs. And then you're gonna realize that honeycombs are the absolute best until you get to Captain Crunch crunch crunch berries. And so Seth Stoker: Mm. Scott: so the reality is, yeah, you're gonna date, but your dating pool right now is so small. Like you, you might only have. You maybe 2,000 people to choose from right now. Well, then half of those are probably gonna be female or male. So let's say you have a thousand people that you might know right now to choose from. I said, great, you're right now trying raisin brand. It's gonna be really good. It's gonna be a lot of fun. You know, you're gonna meet some really cool people, but just wait. Just wait. Understand the sampling, understand the tasting, understand boundaries, understand, you know, how to meet people. Because Catherine Crunch with Crunch Berries is coming along. And I'm telling you, it's amazing when you meet the right person. You know, you're gonna have a great connection. So yeah, high high school sweethearts do happen. I'm okay with high school sweetheart hearts happening if they've had a chance to have meaningful interactions with so many other people. You know, go on dates with so many other people. It's not just that first person, hey, this is great. Yeah, raising brand's great. And for some reason, some people in the United States love raisin bran. It's weird. But maybe it's because they haven't ever tried crunch berries. You know. So that's that that's my idea with hey, go out, experience, you know, live life, but just know that where you're at, sub super small, there's so much more to it. Get, get more. Seth Stoker: I I'm excited for one of your kids to bring somebody home and you just say to them, you brought Raisin Bran home. Scott: You are raisin brand. Like this is not, you totally are crunch brand. And that's but it's gonna go back to the expectations conversation. You know, as as a parent, yeah. I I introduced several people to my parents and my father. And my father in didn't have he didn't say raisin brand, but he's like, this is okay. But the expectation is I think you're selling yourself short. It's like, okay, cool, dad. I I really appreciate that. I don't see that because I see this is the best I can do. Hindsight, he was absolutely correct because my wife is absolutely fantastic. And as, and as Mike says, married out of our species or league, you know, totally did because my dad said, Hey, there's crunch berries out there and you need to find it. Go find it. Seth Stoker: So I'll tell you what I'm struggling with. My daughter got asked a homecoming. This will be her first date. And one of the things that's on my mind is: all right, well, how am I going to interact with those that come to pick up my daughter? You know, I I'm not gonna be that caricature of the dad cleaning his gun on the porch when the boy shows up to pick his daughter up, right? Like I think that's a little silly. I I like the the seriousness of stressing. how much you care about your daughter and how important it is you is to you that she's treated with respect and things like that. But how how do you approach that? You know, how do you approach interacting with those, you know, your daughter bring home brings home raisin brand. How how are you approaching those conversations? Scott: Yeah for me, I enjoy getting to know the youth. Like I enjoy connecting with the youth. Hey, what what are you interested in? You know, what do you enjoy doing? So it's very rare that my daughter or son would go on a date with somebody I don't know or that I haven't already done the research for. And so like I I know, like for example, my son went on went on a date, a blind date with somebody, but I knew her parents. Once again, their pool right now is super small. And so understanding Seth Stoker: Yeah. Scott: the parent, like I can the separation is not that far. So I was able to contact her dad and I said, Hey, I'm super excited for this date that they're gonna go on. Okay. Now I just want to let you know that I've had a direct conversation with my son, that he that I know you and I know your family, and he's going to treat her with the most respect possible. And so I just want to let you know that I've had that conversation. And you know, it just, I mean, something casual, nice. It's not awkward. It's a dude talking to another dude. you know, so it's we're, it's not, it's, it's nothing crazy. But the idea is there is, is he's likely gonna go talk to his daughter and say, hey, I know this family. Like, don't mess it up. Okay. And the same thing with my son. Hey, I just I'm not gonna make this weird, but I've had a conversation and don't wreck this. Okay, because she she's awesome. Okay. And it's on you. Don't mess this up. Okay. So that so Seth Stoker: Good. Scott: though those are the type of conversations that I mean, does it happen all the time? No. you the idea is not make it awkward, but then have a relationship with the youth. So the youth come in to pick up, you know, they I already know them. I know what they're like. I've had conversations with them. And so my son just went to Sadie Hawkins, and I love his date so much. She is unbelievably amazing. Okay. And do I wish they dated more? Absolutely. Okay. But Maybe they don't and that's totally fine. But I I know her really well. I know the family. And so like I'm a I'm a huge proponent of it. And I think the world of both my son and her and just wish they would go on a second date. Seth Stoker: Well, it sounds like a takeaway from that though is it's really important to have opportunities to get to know the people that your kids are spending time with. And and that I mean, who they spend time with is such a huge contributing factor to who they become. And so I I try really hard to make sure that my kids feel comfortable bringing their friends over to the house. I try really hard to get to know the kids that they bring over to the house and things like that. And it sounds like you do a very similar thing. And so maybe just to parents out there, just making sure that if you don't know the kids that your kids are spending time with, if if they're not bringing them over to the house, I would encourage that. Find opportunities to get them to bring invite them over for dinner and things like whether it's people they're dating or just whether it's people they're spending time with, I think the key is is you have been around the block You're probably a better judge of character than they are. It will be really helpful for you to understand who they're spending their time with and and honestly whether or not those are people they should be spending time with. So that's a takeaway from me. Scott: Seth, it goes back to the beginning of where we started. Quality versus quantity. Like the idea is I you need both. And the quantity aspect is I'm there when their kids are coming by. Or excuse me, I'm there when my kids' friends are coming by. I'm there, you know, present. I don't have to, I don't need to have a quality interaction with their friends. I just need to have quantity interactions for that piece. You know, because I need to be there. I need to be present. I need to see who they are, they need to see me. There needs to be some sort of And some sort of interaction there, nothing crazy, but just some sort of connection of hey, what's your name? You know, what are you interested in? And so it goes back to the beginning. Quality and quantity are crucial because you don't know which moment is going to hit. But you gotta be there for all of them. Seth Stoker: Well, Scott, you're a financial advisor in your profession. How do you teach your kids about money? Scott: It's really hard, but it's it's really fun because growing up around the dinner table, like that was a common conversation about finances, about you know, people getting into debt, you know, how to get yourself out, how to save. Like, and but it wasn't it wasn't like detailed conversations of hey, like here's how much you can contribute to a Roth IRA. Like there's there was none of that. It was the Seth Stoker: Yeah. Scott: idea it was just the general idea of, hey, here's here's what we could do and here's what we should do. And my father was open. To, hey, we have some funds. Here's what our options are. We can do this or we can do this. So making sure they understand. And so one of the most recent activities for my son is I pulled him out of school for half a day and we ran through, hey, what do you want to do as a profession? And he gave me an idea. I said, Great, well, let's figure this out. We looked up rent in Arizona, in Phoenix area. We looked up, okay, here's how much it's gonna cost to have your own place. Here's what it's gonna be, here's Here's the food. Here's what I pay for insurance for cars and stuff. And so we ran through some of the numbers. And it's like, okay, this is the number that we're starting from. Okay. Now we got to find a job after taxes that pays for that. And so we went to a couple of his professions and he could get there after 10 years, but it's going to take him 10 years. And so, okay, what are you going to do then for the next 10? You know, because it's probably not staying at home with mom and I. That's not, that's not what we're going to do. And so, I mean, while you're welcome to do that. The idea is, hey, let's get you out. And so, so having that breakdown, like those are the fun conversations to be able to have with the kids. It's on their terms. It's not going into crazy detail, but it's just being open with it. Like, hey, this month is a really tight month. Okay, financially. So this month we can't do this. there was a time where I was unemployed. The kids knew exactly where we were at on the unemployed. They knew what jobs I was going after, they knew what I was trying to do, they knew. Hey, it's tight right now because here's where we're at. And here's, you know, we can get this type of food. But yeah, we're gonna eat the, you know, the cereal that's the in the bag, not in the box. Like those exactly like those are the normal things, but they're involved with it. Like we're I'm not trying to hide anything from it. I mean, I don't want them going to school and talking to their friends about income levels, but short Seth Stoker: Mm-hmm. Scott: of that, like I want them involved as much as possible. It's still hard, but being more open I find is is is helpful. Seth Stoker: So it's more teach them the principles. Teach them like I I love the idea of, you want to live out on your own. Okay, cool. Let's look at what how much that really costs. Cause I think it's really easy to say, yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna move out next year or whatever, just as an example. and then you find out, rent is this. Whoa, I I can't eat out as much as I, you know, I can't eat fast Scott: It's Seth Stoker: food every day or or or whatever. And I think I think those are good wake up calls and also debt. the if there's one thing that I've harped with my kids about is and and partially because I've experienced it myself as a as someone who's who's dealt with a lot of debt, like you do not want to be in that situation. With with w getting out of debt is gaining your freedom back financially. And I think it's so easy to fall into the trap, you know, hey, let me get a credit card to build my credit and Or get a little loan on this car and things like that. I I get it. There's a place for debt for sure. But I think teaching the principle that whenever possible, avoid it like the plague. I think that's a really important principle to to send home. Scott: Love it. Absolutely. Seth Stoker: Well, Scott, I could talk to you all day. In fact, I kind of feel like I need to have you Scott: So that's great. This Seth Stoker: back on. Scott: I love the fact that you're doing this. I love it because I mean, for me, when Seth Stoker: Thank you. Scott: we talk about expectations, when we talk about mediocrity, I it goes back to where we started. I think I'm a mediocre father. Okay. But mediocre, not that I'm a C player. I'm just mediocre just because like I I think the potential is there. And I'm trying to be the I'm trying to be that to reach my best possible self. And not just do the best that I can. Cause I think the bad habit would be, I'm just gonna try to be the best that can. But that's not what my kids need. That's not what my wife needs. That's not what my father expects. You know, I need to be the best possible me. And unfortunately, too many times I fall short of that. I find myself hiding and watching YouTube, you know, just because I'm trying to quote give myself some downtime. You know, and so like I need to be more, more. Present, I need to be there more. I need to do that quality and quantity both together to be able to have those experiences where, hey, remember that one song we played when we were going back and forth to the lake? You know, hey, remember when we were jumping on the bed? Like those are the things. So yeah, am I gonna be mediocre? Totally. But when I say mediocre, nobody's gonna hold me up and say, hey, this was the best father in human history. Like that's not gonna happen, and that's okay. I don't need to do that. But to my kids, to my wife, I need to be the, I need them to say, hey, he was the absolute best. He reaches expectation. That's what I'm looking for. Seth Stoker: I think the cool thing about it, Scott, is that we're not finished products either. And we have all this responsibility to help our kids reach their potential. And it's easy to kind of lose sight of the fact that I'm nowhere near my potential yet, either. I got a long way to go. And so do they. And that's probably a good, also a good motivation to give them a little grace at times and things like that because. We shouldn't expect them to be a finished product. They shouldn't expect themselves to be finished products yet. And I think teaching them the principle of becoming and not just expecting to just magically one day be that person you thought you'd be. It it it is improvement over time, over time, over time. And you and I as fathers are in the exact same boat. We're working really hard to become the best version of ours of ourselves that we possibly can. And hopefully our kids give us a little grace too, understanding that we're not finished products. But I think the key is is that we're that that's something that we're working towards. And as long as you're every day, you're trying to get a little bit better, then you're you're becoming who it is that that you need to become. Scott: Said at a different at a different time, but I find that the majority of people have had this similar experience, which is their mom sits them down on the bed in tears and she says, I'm just trying to do the best that I can, but I have no idea I've never done this before. That I remember exactly where my mom sat me down on the bed and said that to me. I can tell you that my wife's done it to my boys and how impactful that has been for my boys. And I don't know if you've had a similar experience, but we can talk about that at a different time. But That moment of, hey, I'm trying to learn. That vulnerability kind of sets up this whole moment of, yeah, we're trying to learn through it. And I love the fact that you're doing this podcast to create this reality of, hey, we're all still working through it. And there's so many things. Yeah, hindsight, I wish I could go back and do better. I can't wait to be a grandparent because I'm able to help correct a lot of the things that I made a mistake on. But they're not my kids. And so I've missed that moment. which is okay because hindsight, I I we did okay. We did okay, and that's great. And so so, but I'm I'm excited for for grandparenting. I'm excited to continue to help my kids. It's a magical thing, and I'm so glad you're doing this podcast. Great job, keep it up. Seth Stoker: Thank you, Scott. It was great to have you. Scott: Thanks so Seth. We'll see Seth Stoker: I'm grateful to Scott Schloffman for jumping on and sharing his story with us today. I knew it was going to be a lot of fun and it didn't disappoint. If you know other dads who have incredible stories worth sharing, or even regular everyday dads who just take their responsibility seriously, I would love to talk to them. There's so many people that we can learn from, and we're just barely scratching the surface. Do me a favor, hit the like and subscribe button, leave a review. Let's get the word out to as many dads as we can so that we can help as many as possible. Lastly, you can expect new episodes to come out every Wednesday. I've been thrilled to have so many people reach out and express interest in joining the podcast, and I've got some really cool conversations coming up for you. As always, don't sleepwalk through fatherhood. Be daddy.