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S2E27 - Power and Control: Handling Resistance to Reflecting Feelings and Limit-Setting · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where
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  I give you insight awareness and
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  enlightenment about your parenting and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode. I am answering a question from Nicola
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  and her question
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  is about one of her children not responding to
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  the CCPT the child-centered play therapy approach
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  as easily as the other
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  and just some questions around what if you try to use these play therapy principles
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  and the child doesn't seem to be
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  deceptive to them.
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  So, Nicola,
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  thank you so much for the email for those of you that
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  might have some specific questions that you would like me to answer.
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  Please email me brenna@thekidcounselor.com, Brenna with two Ns
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  or you can leave a voicemail on our call in number if you're in the States,
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  which is 813-812-5525.
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  And Nicola is asking about what to do when it seems like
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  there's just no reception on behalf of the child when these skills are used.
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  So I'll read parts of her email and then we'll dive in.
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  I've recently been listening to your parenting podcasts.
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  I've heard some of these methods before
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  and I'm trying to implement them. But I have difficulty with my eldest
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  when I try to do reflective feelings, limits or choices.
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  As soon as I open my mouth to say these things, he just shouts no repeatedly.
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  So I can't be heard or covers his ears and says, no stupid.
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  You're an idiot hits kicks, et cetera.
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  I explain things in calm moments but then in the next outburst it happens again.
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  He shouts, doesn't want to hear things gets aggressive and so on.
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  What can I do? He's six and he has always been my tricky child.
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  I also have another boy who's three.
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  I don't have issues with and who is much more placid and calm.
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  We get a lot of sibling fighting and arguing as much as I try to put these into play.
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  It seems we have a daily battle,
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  please. Can you help?
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  I'm drained and my brain is constantly trying to
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  pre empt or deal with conflicts all the time
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  and remember the right things to do and say constantly,
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  but I'm struggling to get hurt.
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  All right, Nicola,
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  thank you so much for the email and
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  thanks for your vulnerability to share the struggles and
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  trust me. You're in very good company.
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  I think that that's probably one of the most consistent questions that I'm asked.
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  Not only in my
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  private parent coaching, but even in the parents that are at my center
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  and then the listeners to the podcast as well. That's a very consistent concern.
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  And point of confusion is I'm trying to use these new skills and
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  the child just will not receive them.
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  They won't tolerate them, they get mad, they tell me to stop.
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  That's a very, very consistent problem. So, thank you so much for the email.
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  So let's just talk about some practical considerations. First.
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  I think the first thing that's helpful to keep in mind is anything that's new is hard.
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  So, Nicola, you have been listening to this,
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  you've been trying to implement these new strategies,
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  use these new skills and tools.
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  It's hard for you. You mentioned it.
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  You said I'm constantly struggling and I'm drained and my
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  brain is always trying to figure out what to say
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  new is hard.
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  But I think what we often forget as an adult is because
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  we're rational and we're cognitive and we think our way through things,
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  it's a different
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  awareness than a child who is dealing with this. This is new for the child too.
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  Your six year old,
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  every time you respond in a new way,
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  it catches him off guard
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  and he feels uncomfortable and he feels confused
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  and he doesn't like it because new is hard
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  and change is hard.
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  So historically, if you would have responded in one way, that is standard for him,
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  that is default for him and that is safe.
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  So now you're using these new approaches and you're using
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  these new strategies and not only is it hard,
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  but it makes him uncomfortable
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  because he doesn't know how he's supposed to respond because
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  you're not responding the way that you used to see.
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  There's predictability if you do what you've always done
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  because then he can do what he's always done.
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  You're changing things. So he's going, whoa, whoa, whoa.
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  Mom's doing something completely different. Now, what am I supposed to do?
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  New is always hard. So I think there's just a transition period
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  and an adjustment period that naturally works itself out.
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  So I guess my encouragement to you there is tenacity will always serve you.
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  You just have to stick it out
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  and then also keep in mind what you're describing is this
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  is 100% a power and control grab on his part.
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  So when he starts screaming, when he covers his ears, when he says no,
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  when he says you're stupid,
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  you're an idiot when he gets aggressive when all of these things are taking place.
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  This is his emotional and behavioral demonstration
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  of, I feel that I have no measure of control right now.
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  So I'm going to grasp at any measure of power that I can take,
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  which of course means he's going to refuse to let you talk
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  because you have the power and control.
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  If you are calmly saying things to him
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  and he doesn't like it,
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  we have to recognize root cause before we know how to best address it.
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  So this is a power and control issue
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  once we recognize that and we acknowledge that new is hard and change is hard.
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  So this requires patience.
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  Those are the first two things that I think kind of
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  set the the stage and the framework for everything else.
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  So here are a couple of thoughts that I have to help.
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  You're going to want to reflect his feelings as he is fighting this.
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  And I know you said as soon as I try to reflect feelings, he starts doing this,
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  but it doesn't mean that we stop.
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  In other words,
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  he is frustrated,
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  he's irritated,
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  he's annoyed, he's upset.
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  There's all kinds of options we have here based on what you're describing.
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  So we're going to reflect that
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  and we say it softly
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  quietly and gently,
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  you're irritated that I'm
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  giving you a choice or
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  you're upset that
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  I said that you were angry.
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  So we're very quiet, we're very calm, we're very gentle,
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  but we have to reflect his feeling there because a couple of reasons, one,
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  it diffuses the intensity of the emotion and I know you're gonna say no,
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  it actually ramps it up.
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  I promise you internally,
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  it diffuses the intensity because he feels heard and understood.
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  He doesn't like it.
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  So he's showing you that he doesn't like it,
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  but it does diffuse the intensity of the emotion.
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  So you have to trust in that
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  and then second of all, it helps him build an emotional vocabulary
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  so that he at some point will be able to tell you how
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  he's feeling rather than emotionally and behaviorally show you how he's feeling.
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  It develops emotional vocabulary.
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  That's the only way that a child can self control.
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  Those are very, very important outcomes,
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  which is why we want to reflect feelings even when kids don't like it.
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  Another helpful thought
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  rule of thumb that is in the coaching program
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  that I provide is when a child is drowning,
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  it's not the time to teach him to swim.
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  So if he is so escalated and so ramped up and
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  so upheaved that he is just completely overwhelmed with emotion,
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  it may not be an appropriate time to say anything
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  because if he's drowning, it's not the time to teach him to swim.
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  So sometimes we have to wait
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  10 seconds, 30 seconds, 60 seconds, several minutes
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  before the child has de escalated enough
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  that their brain has re engaged.
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  We've talked about that a lot in earlier episodes.
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  So if you're new to the parenting podcast, so glad you're here. Welcome.
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  Please go back and listen to earlier episodes because everything that
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  we're talking about now builds on stuff that we've already discussed.
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  And this is season two, you can always go back to season one.
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  There are so many episodes in season one
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  that also support what we're talking through.
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  So just be mindful that when a child is drowning.
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  It's not the time to teach them to swim. What that essentially means is
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  we cannot expect a child to receive anything that we say
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  if their emotions have shut the brain off.
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  So sometimes Nicola, you might just have to give it a few seconds
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  before
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  you can say anything.
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  Now, here's the caveat.
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  You will always absolute on purpose, set a limit on aggression
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  if he gets aggressive. So if he is hitting, kicking,
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  punching whatever that always requires a limit and
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  that is even when the child is drowning.
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  So as soon as he gets aggressive,
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  you're going to immediately go through that three step process.
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  So you are really angry right now, but I am not for hitting
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  or
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  you are upset, but your brother is not for kicking.
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  Those are the first two pieces of that with a couple
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  of different scenarios and then you move to the choices.
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  You can choose to tell me that you're angry or you can choose to
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  calm down in your room, which do you choose?
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  Or you can choose to punch a pillow if you're OK with him, punching a pillow.
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  So there's all kinds of choices that can be worked in there.
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  But the point of that is
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  even if a child is drowning, we do not excuse unacceptable behavior,
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  feelings are always valid,
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  but sometimes behavior is unacceptable.
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  That is a non negotiable. We will always set a limit on aggression.
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  All right.
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  So now how do we do this? We're going to set expectations
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  at a neutral time.
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  And you said I try to explain things in calm moments,
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  but then the next outburst it happens again.
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  OK. So if we've gone through this several iterations already
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  as a general rule, we're going to set expectations three times.
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  And if the child three times is unwilling or unable to comply,
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  we move to ultimate limit, ultimate choice giving.
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  So in this scenario, you wait until it's a completely
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  independent, neutral time.
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  He's not tired, he's not hungry, he's not bored, he's not stressed,
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  he's not emotional.
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  Neither are you.
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  Everyone is. In best case scenario,
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  you sit down and I'm going to say his name is Brian because I have no idea.
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  So you're gonna say
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  Brian,
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  sometimes when you get upset,
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  you hurt people, you kick people, you hit people,
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  you hurt people,
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  we are never for hurting,
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  then you move to your ultimate. So
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  if you choose to get angry and you choose to hit kick bite, scratch,
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  whatever the behavior is,
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  you choose
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  negative consequence,
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  it has to be his currency. What matters to him?
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  Does it mean a lot to him to get dessert after dinner?
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  Does it mean a lot to him to have an hour to play with his friends after school?
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  Does it mean a lot to him to have a story before bedtime,
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  whatever the currency is, whatever matters, that's a motivation.
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  So you're going to go through validation
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  setting the neutral limit just like the limit setting process.
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  Brian, you get really angry
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  and you sometimes hurt people but people are never for hurting.
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  Your family is not for hurting.
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  We are not for hitting,
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  we are not for kicking however you want to word it but it has to be neutral.
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  Remember that
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  and then we move to the ultimate limit.
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  So if you choose to get angry and hurt us, kick us, hit us, punch us, scratch us,
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  bite us.
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  You choose not to have TV Time tonight.
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  If you choose to get angry and not hurt anyone, you choose to have TV, time tonight,
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  you set that expectation. You make sure that he understands,
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  it's proactive, it's pre emptive, it's not in the moment
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  you make sure he understands,
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  you make sure he knows.
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  And then
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  you wait to see what happens. So the next time he gets angry,
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  you wait to see if he is aggressive
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  and if he does not get aggressive, first of all, huge win,
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  that's an indication of self control and self responsibility,
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  self regulation.
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  So that's something we're celebrating
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  and you acknowledge it out loud,
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  Brian, you were really irritated but you chose not to hurt someone
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  and therefore you chose to have TV. Tonight
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  and you give him a high five
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  or he chooses to get aggressive, which is likely the case because it's
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  conditioned
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  habit right now.
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  Pattern of behavior that's been established. It's his default.
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  He doesn't think about it, he just does it. So the likelihood is he, will
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  you neutrally acknowledge that
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  Brian? You chose to hit your brother when you were angry.
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  So you've chosen not to have TV tonight,
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  he's going to scream and kick and escalate and it's gonna get infinitely worse
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  and you're going to continue to reflect feelings and
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  you're going to set limits if they're needed,
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  but he will not watch TV that night,
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  no matter how much he begs or cries or pleads or throws himself on the
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  floor and says he's never going to eat another thing until you give him TV.
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  And he'll starve himself to death.
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  Whatever the histrionics are, you're going to just continue to reflect.
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  You're really upset that you chose not to have TV, when you chose to hit your brother,
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  but you can choose to watch TV.
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  Tomorrow. If you choose not to hit him.
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  There is always a reminder that there's another opportunity.
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  You get another shot.
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  This is what you chose today, but you can choose something different tomorrow.
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  And Nicola, guess what happens?
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  He starts to self control and he starts to self regulate because he wants TV.
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  It matters to him.
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  It's not worth it. Hitting his brother is not worth losing TV.
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  This is why the currency matters because if you
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  use a currency that he doesn't really care about,
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  it won't be enough of a motivator.
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  So be purposeful. About that. But here's what's happening.
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  He is learning to self control and self regulate. He will adjust
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  if you continue to use these skills. Even when he doesn't like it,
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  even when he's fighting you on it, he will adjust. And sometimes what kids need
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  is to know why you're doing it because new
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  is weird unless you know that there's a rationale.
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  So when he fights you on reflecting his feeling, you can say,
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  hm, you don't like it when I
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  say that you're angry, but that's what I thought you were feeling.
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  And I wanted you to know that I understood that
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  there's a why
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  when you give choices. Hm, you don't like being given a choice but
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  you can choose what you want. It's important for you to be able to choose.
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  There has to be an explanation sometimes for a child so that they understand why
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  you're doing it because otherwise it's just like what in the world is going on?
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  Mom's acting all crazy lately.
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  But if you explain that there's reasons behind it,
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  they still don't like it but they accept it.
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  So he will adjust, he will accept it. You need to be persistent.
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  And I just wanted to throw this in because this was related,
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  you're describing a three year old son and a six year old son.
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  And I just wanted to normalize this for you.
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  And every parent listening is going to nod their head emphatically when I say this,
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  when you have same sex siblings close in age,
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  they're almost always polar opposites.
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  So when you say one is tricky and one is calm and placid, that is very normal. That's
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  quintessential birth order.
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  And we know that because your oldest has always been
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  the more volatile or tricky as you put it,
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  that means that the youngest child is going to be the
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  opposite because that one role has already been established and taken.
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  That is a very consistent thing that almost every family
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  notices if it's same sex siblings close in age.
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  So I just wanted to throw that out there for some normalization if nothing else,
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  Nicola.
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  So
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  anyway, thank you so much for the email. I hope this is helpful for all of you.
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  I hope that you are realizing. First of all, your struggles are universal
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  and children's behavior is universal and this is just the nature of being a parent.
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  But guess what?
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  You are investing in your parenting,
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  you are investing in your relationship with your kids by listening to this podcast,
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  every single episode,
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  you become a more effective parent and you're more confident in your parenting.
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  And that's the goal because when you have tools and you
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  have skills and you have strategies that you can use.
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  You feel more equipped and capable
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  and that's what this podcast is all about.
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  So,
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  thank you so much for being a part of the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast family.
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  I really appreciate y'all. We'll talk again soon. Bye.
• 16:30
  Thank you for listening
• 16:31
  to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks
• 16:35
  for more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter.
• 16:39
  Please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.