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Santi Alveru - Standup show · Comedy Central Stand-Up

• 0:02
  Comedy Central Podcast. Thank you, thank you, Chavales, thank you,
• 0:18
  uh, uh, I' m very happy to be here. Jo,
• 0:19
  I' m so happy. Years ago in a confused little guy in Oviedo
• 0:23
  who had comedians on TV I' m already recording it for Comedy Central and
• 0:26
  thank you for being here. We' re gonna get on very well.
• 0:36
  I also tell you I work a covering up all that it takes to get
• 0:41
  out of there makes me happy all that it takes and that it' s
• 0:45
  not dani mateo nearby. It' s amazing. I' m gone scared
• 0:49
  Havido. Twelve years they put a very large Spanish flag in the center of
• 0:53
  the city. I don' t understand the fashion of putting flags from Spain.
• 0:56
  All the time it' s in case you get lost, you know,
• 1:00
  if you get nervous you don' t know what country you' re
• 1:03
  in and suddenly you look and say uh, suddenly you see a nigger in
• 1:08
  the distance you get scared, but the flag is there. You' re
• 1:11
  saying it' s a bad thing. I thought I was in Portugal again.
• 1:15
  Local politics is fascinating because in order to put that flag of Spain they
• 1:19
  removed some banks that had previously painted with the flag of gay pride. For
• 1:23
  some reason, the two things couldn' t be at once, you know,
• 1:26
  Spain is like the son of divorced parents who are both addicted to bricomania.
• 1:34
  Hey, Tim, why does it happen, why do you cry,
• 1:37
  how Mom forced you to burn the statue of Christopher Columbus that we did last
• 1:42
  week and put in place a monument Emilia Pardo Bazán. Don' t worry,
• 1:49
  Temmy. This week it' s your turn with Dad and if you
• 1:52
  behave yourself, we dedicate a street to Milana is and if you behave yourself
• 1:57
  very well. We make it a frank position and or, and I think
• 2:00
  the secret to making local politics work is mixing. You want to dedicate a
• 2:05
  street to Rivera' s cousin without a problem in Chueca. You want to
• 2:09
  put up a flag with the cool eagle, but have them held by a
• 2:13
  parrot statue. You want to dedicate a great frank statue to him, Franco
• 2:16
  ' s head and Cherique' s body. Oh living in Asturias, you
• 2:30
  ' ll live you' re Wild, you' re studying in Wild.
• 2:32
  I dated a girl, she was a vegetarian and a Nazi. It was
• 2:38
  harder for my family to understand it as a vegetarian. You know, I
• 2:44
  took it with me, introduced it to my parents. We went to eat
• 2:45
  at a restaurant. She ordered a plate of baked vegetables because they had the
• 2:49
  two things she liked the most. Or is this it? He liked all
• 2:54
  vegetables, except beans. Is that it? Yeah? Is he? Yeah?
• 2:59
  Is he? Yeah? Is he? Yeah? Is he? Yeah?
• 3:00
  Is he? Yeah? Is this it? The vegans are very concentration
• 3:02
  camp, is that it? Total good. He ordered a plate of baked
• 3:09
  vegetables in Oviedo, Asturias, the capital of the Cachopo, the meat and
• 3:15
  my mother told him, before ordering the dish of baked vegetables, ask if
• 3:17
  it carries meat. I told Mom, it' s called baked vegetables,
• 3:21
  how I' m going to bring meat. Well, we asked the waiter
• 3:23
  and he told us, man, a little bacon. Yes, he'
• 3:27
  s wearing ja Asturias. I cut you Asturias. He' s violent.
• 3:31
  I have friends, my friends, they' re crazy, my friends because
• 3:35
  they' re from there. The other day I was with my colleague Sergio
• 3:37
  in a discotheque and suddenly we started talking to a girl and we asked her
• 3:40
  what you do and she tells us I am manager at Luis Viton and my
• 3:45
  colleague Sergio excited, excited, tell me more. And I' ve been
• 3:49
  freaking out since when he gives a shit. Sergio the bags and I left
• 3:53
  him there and after a while I see him alone and I ask him,
• 3:57
  man, what happened and he says shut up he thought he said Buittony.
• 4:02
  The guy asked her how she lived at the Terradillas house. From now on,
• 4:09
  I have another colleague named the batter. The batter. The bat was
• 4:12
  a summer. He took care of dogs. It' s okay for people
• 4:15
  to go on vacation and then I needed someone to take care of the dogs.
• 4:17
  He had a very large garden where he left all the dogs there to
• 4:20
  see. Every time I see a sign looking for it, I know where
• 4:26
  that dog is buried in that garden. Anyway, for some reason, people
• 4:31
  trusted the dogs, my colleague, the bat, and one day we were
• 4:33
  on the beach with him and they call him on the phone and he takes
• 4:36
  him very angry, very angry and says yes, yes, yes, fuck,
• 4:41
  yes, yes, yes. I told you I was good again,
• 4:43
  it was this morning, but every flight this afternoon comes bye and I ask
• 4:46
  Batera, what' s up. Says nothing, man, a guy I
• 4:48
  have to give him back the dog, but that' s it. I
• 4:50
  ' ll give it back to you this afternoon, that' s all.
• 4:54
  It was a dog. Guide somewhere, somewhere there was a blind man who
• 5:06
  couldn' t leave home because my colleague wanted to take a mojito nothing.
• 5:13
  I have a slightly longer history with this with my colleagues. Once in Paris.
• 5:16
  I did the month in Paris and came to visit my colleague Rodrigo Vale,
• 5:20
  and Paris is too expensive to go out at night. Then we found
• 5:25
  a bar walking around that would put drinks at fifteen bucks. Imagine yourself as
• 5:28
  expensive Paris, which we said we' re going to come in here and
• 5:31
  take the last paste we have the last money. We went into that bar.
• 5:34
  And that bar at the beginning was weird, because a security came in
• 5:38
  and separated us. Okay. He put me on a couch and my colleague
• 5:42
  Rodri was taken by another room that I already noticed something weird. But when
• 5:46
  you travel it' s like you don' t know if you offend by
• 5:49
  asking about customs. That' s where you know how you see someone who
• 5:53
  ' s killing him on the street and you say I can take pictures.
• 5:58
  Then I did not ask anything and suddenly a girl approaches me, which in
• 6:02
  my experience does not happen. And the girl tells me you want a dance
• 6:08
  which my experience doesn' t happen and I tell her how she does want
• 6:13
  a bar that if I want to dance with you and she says no no
• 6:15
  if you want me to dance to you and I' m in a whorehouse.
• 6:23
  I said they treated me like a king in merit. Totally good and
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  I say no. No, no, no, no, no. No.
• 6:30
  I' m cool, I' m cool. Thank you very much.
• 6:31
  No. No. I don' t want any dancing and I don
• 6:33
  ' t. No. No. Thank you. And your colleague Rodrigo tells
• 6:35
  me, he' s in a room upstairs with a friend of mine and
• 6:40
  she' s dancing with him. I said I' m sorry I doubted
• 6:43
  that Rodric, who took out a ten last year in religion, was a
• 6:46
  colleague of mine. I' m doing what you say, but still I
• 6:50
  ' m really cool. I don' t want anything and she insisted and
• 6:53
  I didn' t and she says well, because buy me a drink and
• 6:56
  I' ll buy you a drink maybe two, because I' m a
• 6:59
  little to blame Judeo Cristiana and after half an hour the security comes and brings
• 7:04
  us the bill and I owe four hundred euros and I tell you, gentleman,
• 7:12
  I don' t know how things are going in France. I imagine
• 7:13
  you' re going up here differently, because you' re doing better.
• 7:16
  But fifteen plus fifteen plus fifteen plus fifteen until you' re fifteen plus fifteen,
• 7:20
  they don' t give four hundred and the guy points the letter to
• 7:27
  me and it turns out that the cup I' m inviting the girl to
• 7:30
  was worth one hundred and fifty bucks. One thing like that, and who
• 7:32
  was going to tell you that in a whorehouse I thought you already, already,
• 7:36
  now, now, no, now, that didn' t come out
• 7:50
  any total meli. I' m telling you, I don' t take
• 7:53
  money. I tell you the gentleman this won' t be possible. I
• 7:54
  don' t have any money. He tells me no problem. Number two
• 7:56
  ' s bigger than number one' s safe. He grabs me by the
• 8:00
  neck and gets me a cashier in front of the whorehouse and I' ll
• 8:05
  be crazy there like you' re your Spanish fool. Ah I don'
• 8:09
  t know what I' m making us know without a smoothie any longer to
• 8:20
  Napoleon che gan uncle and I' m still trying to use the subway card
• 8:22
  to get money out. Well, when I get the guy that I'
• 8:24
  m stupid, then I get back into the whorehouse. In the meantime,
• 8:28
  they' re taking my colleague Rodri out because they' re doing the same
• 8:31
  thing to him, and we say hello there as we are fools. Yeah,
• 8:35
  and I walk into the whorehouse, and then the thing' s really
• 8:37
  tense. There' s number one security. He' s holding me by
• 8:41
  the neck. He takes off the sticker tie, which I think is an
• 8:45
  incredible detail for the movie we were shooting at the time. He takes off
• 8:48
  the sticker tie. Raise your fist and just before I broke my face,
• 8:54
  you hear a voice in the background and someone says eh pay. Me about
• 8:58
  that. You guys know who Melendi was. They didn' t hit us,
• 9:20
  obviously, no, but I just wanted to see your faces for a
• 9:22
  second thinking Melendia is a whore. They hit him from here started Melendi and
• 9:31
  I how he knows. I' m glad. I' m glad to
• 9:33
  have friends who are better than friends of celebrities. You know evil. They
• 9:37
  have real friends with whom I spend these bullshit anecdotes, because famous friends are
• 9:39
  fake friends, they' re friends with whom you presume to be fake friends.
• 9:45
  I can' t brag about my drug colleague. You know the drug
• 9:48
  is the one that takes you on a Tuesday all of a sudden to see
• 9:52
  if you can come to sleep at your house one night and continue Sunday with
• 9:56
  you smoking joints and eating pizza. You know it' s like a Napoleon.
• 10:01
  It' s like Napoleon in like. You open the door and you
• 10:03
  say drugs and that suitcase and it says what suitcase not suitcase, hops,
• 10:07
  what the fuck not. These aren' t coassans. I' m going
• 10:11
  to run for compact. Aylas nothing to invade your house. Nothing. I
• 10:18
  know what you' re thinking if you' re under the age of twenty,
• 10:24
  Napoleon is a trapper and if you' re over twenty, Napoleon,
• 10:26
  he doesn' t speak like Santi when he speaks French, Henry. Right.
• 10:31
  I' m very grateful to have the friends I have. I'
• 10:33
  m freaked out by the friends I have, because people are horrible and I
• 10:39
  ' d be horrified to have to meet new people. People are so boring.
• 10:43
  People don' t make sense. People have stopped making sense of how
• 10:46
  high leisure is. What' s the point of finding Peña, what'
• 10:52
  s the point of finding people when you can be in your house watching TV
• 10:56
  What' s the point of people making sense before in the Middle Ages,
• 11:00
  when they played or shit like chess or mancala. You know what mancala is?
• 11:03
  Don' t you think you don' t know what mancala is?
• 11:05
  I' ll explain. The mancala is a game in which you move seeds
• 11:09
  around a board, eh, and win the one that has the most seeds
• 11:11
  in the end. That shit was the funniest thing five hundred years ago.
• 11:16
  Now, for twenty- four bucks you buy a thing that dirtys your clitoris
• 11:22
  and also tempted on the Internet and you see asses of celebrities whatever you want,
• 11:28
  that there are also museums and exhibitions and concerts and whatever you want,
• 11:31
  but we all know that amazing two thousand twenty- two that you have the
• 11:33
  ass of whoever you want on the Internet. People are so bored in the
• 11:35
  Middle Ages. When you saw someone new, you freaked out because you lived
• 11:41
  in a house in the middle of nowhere with your wife and your kids you
• 11:43
  wanted to kill, you know planting tomatoes, and then one day there was
• 11:50
  a traveler in front of your house, a person you' d never seen
• 11:52
  before and it was a holiday. It was a day like or a new
• 11:58
  gentleman. Please tell me where you are from Murcia. You' ve never
• 12:05
  heard of that magical place of yours. Call Murcia. Please, come inside
• 12:11
  my house and eat my food. Sleep in my bed. Foyese to my
• 12:15
  children, but tell me about murciaaaaaaaa j Now people don' t make sense.
• 12:28
  Everybody' s the same. You' re meeting a girl. The
• 12:31
  conversation is you have anxiety. I' ve got considerate, too. Everyone
• 12:35
  has anxiety. We' re just imagining cutting someone off is a lot harder.
• 12:39
  Now, man, cut someone off, you tempt, cut up with
• 12:43
  a girl. Now you can' t La? Do you have all the
• 12:45
  time in instagram? You' ve got it all the time on your cell
• 12:46
  phone. You' ve got to fuck it. You have to fuck her
• 12:50
  parents. You have to make a doggy fuck that you didn' t ironically
• 12:52
  create the two of you together. You know before in the middle. It
• 12:56
  was so easy. It was so easy. You convinced the whole town that,
• 13:00
  since Bride was a witch and you saw as ordeal, the loaf was
• 13:01
  those bitches. We took you home, you fucked yourself to make cousin,
• 13:07
  and that' s it. Okay, I' m gonna finish up with
• 13:11
  a joke. It' s a popular joke. This is a guy who
• 13:13
  loses his keys at night and starts looking for them under a lamppost. He
• 13:18
  approaches a policeman and calls him a gentleman, I can help him and yes.
• 13:20
  I lost my car keys and it says where you lost them and it
• 13:24
  says down there and why it' s looking under the lamppost, because there
• 13:26
  ' s light here. Don' t look just where they tell you to
• 13:33
  buy a flashlight. I' m Sanchez, Perus. Thank you very much.
• 13:37
  Thank you You' ll see.