Latest / Wellbeing Solutions - Ask A Counsellor / AAC - Relationships & Care - Family and Home Dynamics - Estranged family Dynamics - Q1 - Sylvie
Transcript
- 0:01SPEAKER_00: How can I cope with estranged family relationships?
- 0:05SPEAKER_00: It can be so difficult when family relationships fall apart, especially to the extent where someone is no longer in your life.
- 0:13SPEAKER_00: Each estranged relationship can come about in different ways.
- 0:16SPEAKER_00: It can either be a gentle parting, no longer checking in with each other, taking an interest in each other's lives.
- 0:23SPEAKER_00: It could be a series of upsets and miscommunications, feeding resentment, or it could be a dramatic fallout argument and in some cases physical altercations.
- 0:35SPEAKER_00: Some estrangements happen and we can say they're for your own protection and mental well-being.
- 0:41SPEAKER_00: Having destructive and negative relationships in your life may mean you have no choice but to remove yourself or remove the other from your life.
- 0:51SPEAKER_00: Sometimes others can remove themselves through their own pain or their own choice, which can be really hard to take.
- 0:58SPEAKER_00: A good example of this is if one of your children breaks ties with you because their partner does not approve of you or wants them all to themselves, and this can be a sign of a coercive, controlling relationship also.
- 1:11SPEAKER_00: How to cope with this?
- 1:13SPEAKER_00: I try to encourage clients to split the parts of the people they have lost into versions of who they were.
- 1:21SPEAKER_00: So sometimes, quite often, we're grieving a version of the person we used to know.
- 1:27SPEAKER_00: But other times we're sort of in conflict with this because we're we're grieving someone that's caused us a lot of pain.
- 1:34SPEAKER_00: I encourage grief to be felt, however, remembering that other, less desirable version of them will remind us why the estrangement has happened in the first place.
- 1:46SPEAKER_00: If you have done all you can to repair and reach out, then there is still and there is still no acknowledgement, then this may be the time you decide to give up and move forward.
- 1:56SPEAKER_00: Constant rejection is painful, and we can never force another to change their behaviour or thoughts.
- 2:02SPEAKER_00: They have to go through their own process and any change has to come from them.
- 2:07SPEAKER_00: So I'd encourage you to lean into kind and loving relationships that you have in your life.
- 2:12SPEAKER_00: Use distractions, and whilst I encourage you to allow time to grieve that aspect of the relationship or that version of them, make sure you equally remain present and focus on those things, people, places and situations that make you happy and feel safe and secure.
- 2:31SPEAKER_00: Talking through difficult family estrangements with a counsellor can really help you to process your feelings and may help you to understand more about the dynamics at play which you may not have considered.
- 2:43SPEAKER_00: So psychodynamic and internal family systems approaches in counselling can be helpful.
- 2:49SPEAKER_00: Check out the two UK registers, the professional registers, the BACP and the NCPS online, to find professional counsellors who can help you come to a place of acceptance or peace around the situation.
- 3:03SPEAKER_00: This may help you with closure, especially if you are not expecting to get closure from your estranged family member.
- 3:10SPEAKER_00: Validation is such an important factor too, and can help you support you to that place of acceptance.
- 3:17SPEAKER_00: Please, if you are struggling, also consider reaching out to NHS 111, Option 2 for Mental Health or the Samaritans on 116 123.
- 3:28SPEAKER_00: You should never try to deal with the depth of loss and anger and frustration that these situations can bring up for you.
- 3:36SPEAKER_00: Please take care.