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Transcript

WHY BE AN ASSHOLE · The Karen Kenney Show

0:01
Karen Kenney: Hey, welcome to the Karen Kenney show. I hope
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you're doing super duper. I hope you're doing fantastic. And I'm
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going to try to keep this sucker short and maybe not totally
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sweet, but sure, certainly going to do my best to just kind of
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keep it kind of on the, on the on the shorter side. Okay, let's
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just dive right into it. I'm sure that you saw the title of
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this episode right and but there's a reason why I'm finally
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doing this episode. I've talked about this, this topic, in
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written form online several times. I don't know if I've ever
0:37
done I looked back. I'm like, after like, 320 some shows. I'm
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like, How did I have I talked about this before, but maybe not
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in this particular way. And what's inspiring this episode
0:49
is, first of all, just humanity and where it's at right now,
0:53
also the state of online social media platforms where people
1:00
just feel like they can say and do whatever they want to do. But
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also, on a more personal level, I was recently talking with a
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friend, and this is really the hot beat of the inspiration of
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this episode. I was recently talking with a friend, and
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they've been going through some things, right? Some stuff had
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been happening in their family, like, you know, they there was a
1:20
loved one that had died, like, back to back, a loved one that
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had died, and then another elderly relative, like, fell
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down, and they didn't know if they were, you know, they were
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in the hospital. And, you know, we don't know what the, you
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know, the recoup time is going to be, if they're going to ever
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be the same again. Because that's something that happens,
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right with older folks, is sometimes, once they fall, they
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don't always recover. That's not true for everybody, but Right?
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And they were just like, they have a lot of lot of kind of
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balls in the air, juggling a lot of things. And they were just
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feeling a little rundown. But then under the under that, you
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know, in addition to that, I should say I could just hear
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that there was maybe a little, I don't know if it was sadness or
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whatever. And as we continue to talk, they just kind of made a
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quick statement of, yeah. And then I just got a couple of
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comments on my thing that were like, and I was like, Excuse me,
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right? Because one of the things about me is I'm very protective,
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first of all, of animals. You all know that, but I'm also very
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protective of people I love and my friends, etc, and I don't
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like, I don't like when people are mean, period. I don't like
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bullies, right? I don't like that at all. I certainly don't
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like it when people are doing it in a way where it's totally
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uncalled for and unnecessary. So I basically just dug for a
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little more information, and I said, Hey, what's going on? And
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we can all relate. I'm sure the details of this story might be
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slightly different, but I guarantee you, if you if you've
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ever owned a business of any kind, if you've been in a
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relationship of any kind, if you're a creative of any kind,
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anytime you try, have tried to put something out into the
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world, whether it was a project or a product or a program or
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promoting something, or you just shared your feelings, or
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something you had written, or something you painted, or music
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you create, whatever, when you take something from inside of
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yourself, and then you have the courage, you you have the
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courage, and you're brave enough to share it and put it out into
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The world, especially the way the world is right now, and
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we'll get to that in a second. You know, that takes a lot of
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vulnerability, it takes a lot of courage, it takes a lot of
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chutzpah, it takes a lot of balls, it takes a lot of grit to
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be like, Okay, I'm gonna, like, take this thing that I created
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and share it. Okay? So she has been doing like a webinar, and
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she was putting it out there, trying to help women with
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menopausal symptoms or whatever. Okay? And then I said, Well,
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what did these people say to you? And she said, you know,
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well, they didn't verbally say it. They sent me emails. And I
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was like, Okay, do you feel comfortable sharing with me what
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they said? And she said, yeah, and she shared that with me. And
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if you, if you're not watching this, you can't see right now,
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like I'm kind of pinching the bridge of my nose where it
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connects to, like my forehead, cuz it's so painful to me.
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People, sometimes look people, I love you. You are my brothers
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and sisters. You are God's kids as well. But sometimes you act
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like colossal assholes, myself included. And I try and like, I
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really try hard, like, I really do my best to be so mindful, so
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aware, less mindful and more like aware, like, of what comes
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out of my mouth and what my fingers type. You know what I
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mean? Like, like, what I am taking from my mind, out of my I
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would say, head, hot hands, right? And also, sometimes your
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pie hole. It's like, what is coming out of your mouth.
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Because a lot of times people are saying things and writing
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things and doing things, and they are not thinking. About the
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consequences of them being themselves. They are not
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thinking about how that thing is going to land. So this person
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here, and I said to her, send me what they wrote to you, because
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I'm going to read them on the air, because I want people to
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see what it's like to be a creator, to be a creative, to be
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somebody who's trying to do good in the world and help people
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with problems to literally show up with solutions, and then this
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is how some people do Now, mind you, this was a free they didn't
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even pay any money for it. This was a free webinar, okay, so at
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least this person started with, just wanted to let you know how
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informative and interesting the menopause live webinar was.
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Okay. Then, then they say my husband even watched it with me.
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They could have just stopped there. They could have just
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like, said that said, hey, it was informative. It was
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interesting. Thank you. Even my husband, like watched it with
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me. End of email. But no, no, they felt like they had to go on
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to say the following. My only comment is now as soon as
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somebody says that, that's like when people use the word, but I
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love you, but, yeah, that was really good. But my only comment
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is, is a faction, right? So it's like an offshoot of that kind of
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thing, you know, that some shit is about to roll downhill, okay?
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My only comment is, we came very close to having a drinking game
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and taking a sip every time you said the word right. Oh my god,
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right. OMG, you said that word more than 1000 times, I would
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bet. So I'm glad we didn't do the sipping game, because we
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would have been completely drunk. Thanks again for the
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seminar, or is it a webinar? Well, you know what I mean, I'm
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reading this, and I just want to take one of these pens and,
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like, stab myself in the eyeball with it, because this is so
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painful to me, because guys hear me out, you are entitled to have
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an opinion. You know that old saying, you know opinions are
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like assholes, like everybody's got one, right, but they're
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nowhere, nowhere, nowhere. Is it required? Or do you need to
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share said opinion with other people, especially if they
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didn't ask for your opinion, for your feedback, for your POV and
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point of view. You know what I mean? It's like you had to go
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ahead and ruin the kindness of your first sentences because you
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couldn't your ego. Your ego just couldn't resist letting that
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other person know, right? Get a slip, a little meanness in
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there, a little sarcasm, a little, oh, my only comment is,
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you know, here's the thing that I will tell you,
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there are a ton of things like podcasts and stuff out there.
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There's like, millions and millions and millions and
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millions of podcasts. Do you know how many podcasts actually
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survived the first three? Like, it's something like, there's an
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obscene amount of people who start podcasts, but more than,
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like, a third like, whatever the number is, let's say it was 3
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million, right? Only, like, a million actually survive after
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the third episode. You know why? Because people realize how hard
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it is to put yourself out there, to keep coming up with content,
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to keep coming up with ways where you're quote, unquote,
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adding value to the world, and you're benefiting other people,
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and you're trying to, like, help them and do something right? So
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when another human being goes out of their way to offer
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something for free. Now look a webinar or a quote, unquote
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seminar is not designed to give you all of the answers. It's
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designed to give you enough information that you can see if
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this program, this product, this thing, is going to be a good fit
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for you, if you resonate with the person leading it or
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teaching it, if you walk away with at least one thing and you
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go, like, okay, that's really helpful. That's really good
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information. I'm in like, I'm going to give this person a
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shot. I'm going to spend a little money. I'm going to
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whatever, right? Because I have some symptoms. I have a problem.
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I don't know the solution. This person seems like they do. So to
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think that you're just going to go into a free webinar and like,
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get all your questions answered is, like, obnoxious. But the
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fact that this person didn't even have a problem with the
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information, they said it was interesting as well, but they
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had to make a comment. Comment about the way that this person
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talks and what I was trying to say about also, in addition to
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having a podcast, we all have rhythms in ways that we speak in
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words that we say. Some people say the word um a lot. Some
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people say the word like a lot. Some people say the word right a
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lot, some people say, does that make sense a lot? We all have
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these little quirks to the way that we talk, and there are a
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lot of people who do online presentations of all kinds who
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don't like to sound human. They don't want their humanity to
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slip through, so they are highly polished and edited content,
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right? They hire a whole team, or they themselves spend hours
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going in and taking out every pause and every um and every
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whatever. And I've never done that with my show, what you see
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is what you get. We tack on an intro, we tack on an outro, but
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you just get me as I am even right now, like, Look at my hair
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and my face, right? I just got back from a run, and I'm still
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kind of, like, finishing down, sweating. So, like, what you see
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is what you get. And first of all, for my friend to go out
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there and to create this thing and to put it out into the
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world, right? If that's what you see, I just said the word right,
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if you're, if you're if that's what you're gonna focus on,
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you're focusing on the wrong shit that she said the word
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right, but the fact that you feel the need to comment on it,
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to go out of your way to try to make somebody feel whatever the
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word is stupid, not good enough, to shame them, to make them
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insecure, to Pull them down a notch, whatever it is. And I'm
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not saying that this person went out of their way to consciously
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be an asshole, but again, why be an asshole when you could just
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be quiet? It didn't like think of all the steps that this
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person had to go through. They signed up for the webinar. It
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caught their attention. They thought it was interesting
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enough that they signed up for it, like gave away an hour and
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90 minutes, whatever it was of their time. And it's an hour, I
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think it was like an hour long. So they do an hour of it, and
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afterwards, they thought, Oh, that was informative and
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interesting. But then they felt the need to make some commentary
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about another person not knowing, because this is the
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thing. When you send something out into the world, you have no
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idea how the other person on the other end of that thing is going
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to receive it, what state of mind they're going to be in,
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what's going on in their life? Maybe they had a loss, maybe
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they had something awful happen. Maybe they're struggling with
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their mental illness. With a mental illness, maybe their
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mental health isn't in the best place. Maybe they're going
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through a divorce, maybe one of their kids is sick. Maybe
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they're struggling with alcohol. Isn't like you don't know. So
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why? Why go out of your way to do this? And this is what I was
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trying to get at. I distracted myself. Do you know how many
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steps a person had to take? You had to go, you had to listen to
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it right then you had to decide, oh, my opinion is important
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enough that now I gotta look up somebody's email address. I have
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to write this whole thing out, and then I have to hit send. I'm
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like, at any one of those mock is, at any one of those points,
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this person could have said, No, I don't need to send this. I
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don't need to say this. But no, the internet and social media
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has convinced everybody that they have a voice, which, yes,
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we do all have a voice, but man, this social media does not teach
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you that you might want to think about how you use that voice and
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what you say to another human being, what you type, what you
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write, and I'm like, I'm just so fucking over it. I gotta tell
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you, like, every like, just about, I'm not kidding, like,
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once a day, I probably think to myself, yeah, my days online are
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kind of like my days on social media are, like, highly
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numbered. I don't post nearly as much as I used to. And the thing
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is, is that people are super mean to me in my comments. Once
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in a blue moon, somebody says something that I'm like, you're
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like, whatever, and I just leave it there so other people can see
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them acting like an asshole, right? I'm like, whatever, you
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know, but people aren't, people don't like take a lot of time to
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send me comments about things in a bad or negative way. It's not
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that it's it's not that that hasn't always been true. Trust
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me, I have a hate I have a I have a file folder of things
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that I have received over the years, um, where people have
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said and done some, like, pretty uncool things, and just so I can
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remember, like, in case it like I'm talking like people.
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Stealing, like, verbatim my bio. People stealing verbatim stuff
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from my website. Like, I'm talking about that kind of
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stuff, right? But it's just so unnecessary. And then going back
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to my friend, right? And I'm talking about this because I
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want each of us to just slow our roll a little bit to slow, like,
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to create a greater gap between what you think and what you say,
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what you think and what you do, what you think
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Unknown: and what you write,
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Karen Kenney: because you're not always aware of how your words
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are going to affect another person. And I'm always like, you
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know, I'm a kid from, like, the Mister Rogers era and and I also
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grew up right in Lawrence, Massachusetts, in Boston,
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Massachusetts. It's literally, like, the capital of, like, mass
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holism, but the capital of sarcasm, like taking digs at
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each other, tearing each other down. I've often talked about
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how you know where I grew up if you had a if you had a
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vulnerable, vulnerable spot, if you had, like, a tender spot, we
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weren't taught that if somebody has a tender spot, that our
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reaction and our response should be that we're tender with that
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spot. No, if we find out as kids that you had a tend to spot. We
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saw that you were vulnerable. We pressed on that spot. We
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attacked that spot, you know. And as I've gotten older, I
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don't find sarcasm taking cheap shots at people. It's like, how
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do I say it? It's a very conflicting thing for me,
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because I'll be like, Oh, that's the sound of my people. Like, I
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get it. I know how this operates, and I've been trying
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to extract myself from that behavior for many, many, many,
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many years, because I don't think that we need to be mean to
16:53
each other to show affection. I understand why we do it. I
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understand how it happens. I've been on the receiving and giving
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end of it, and as I continue to grow and mature, hopefully
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emotionally. You know, because being sarcastic is easy,
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knocking each other down is easy. You know, loving each
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other that takes real that loving each other and being
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vulnerable that takes real strength. It doesn't take any
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strength at all to have a fucking wise ass mouth. You know
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what I mean? Okay, here's example number two. Remember I
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said my friend was bummed because she's like, I got these
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two I got these two comments. This woman wrote to her and said
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this, I was excited to be able to see this and to participate
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in the quote, unquote masterclass, which turned out to
17:42
be a misnomer. Oh no, I just want to bang my face off my
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microphone, which turns out to be a misnomer. Okay, let's just
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educate my friend on what she was actually doing and what her
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intention was, okay? And we're back. This woman continues to
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say this was an hour long infomercial, and I can't point
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to a single takeaway that I can use in my life. I am
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disappointed, to be honest. And once again, once again, this
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person felt the need I just this is me in my head, motherfucker,
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this was a free hour long thing. You could have left at the five
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minute mark, the 10 minute mark, the 15 minute mark, the 20
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minute mark, the 25 minute mark, you could have left at any time
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if you didn't think it was worth your time. But no, you stayed
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for the whole thing. And I'm thinking to myself, Why? Why? So
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you could just stay and then later go write this fucking
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email so that you could let this other person know how you feel,
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as if your opinion matters that much. Why be an asshole when you
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could just be quiet. She could have just said, Hey, that wasn't
19:05
for me. She could even have thought to herself something
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like, Oh, that was a waste of my time, in her opinion.
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Unknown: But why reach out and say that? And
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Karen Kenney: it's so fascinating because another
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person watched it and said, this was informative and interesting.
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So do you see what I'm saying here? And you know what's
19:26
fascinating about this? When my friend forwarded me the email, I
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looked at the name, and I look at the email address, and so I
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was, like, interesting. So I googled it. She doesn't even
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know that I did this. I Googled it. The woman that sent this
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email, she works at a Christian school. I looked her up, I found
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her name, I found her picture, I found what her role was at this
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school. And you know, what's so fascinating, it's so fascinating
19:53
is that this Christian school that this woman works at, do you
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know what their mission statement is? Listen to this.
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Here's our mission statement, this Episcopal blah, blah blah,
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blah blah Christian School it develops, this is its mission
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statement. It develops in students, a love of learning,
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Respect for self and others, faith in God, and a sense of
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service to the world community. And the one that jumped off the
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page for me here was respect for others, because I'm not seeing a
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lot of jesusy kind of response here. I don't think Jesus would
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have sent this email. I don't think somebody who, like, you
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know, is in the Christian faith and is pretending to be all
20:41
Christian. E all Christ like I think to myself, I'm actually a
20:46
fan. I actually wish. I actually wish, right back in the day,
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remember all the WW, JD bracelets, the What would Jesus
20:54
do? Bracelets? I never had one, but I saw them all the time. And
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I just think people should go back to wearing them. And before
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they open their big fat mouths, they take a look at their wrists
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and they see that WWJD, because I guarantee you this, about 90%
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of their shenanigans, about 90% of their bullshit, would be
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stopped right in its tracks if they were wicked honest with
21:17
themselves and said, Would Jesus think this? Would Jesus say
21:21
this? Would Jesus Do this? Would Jesus feel the need to let this
21:26
brother or this sister know where they failed? Isn't there
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some quote about, like, before you try to point out the
21:33
splinter in somebody else's eye, like, look at the log in yours.
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Like, look at the fucking tree in your own eyeball. I mean, I'm
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just fascinated. I'm just fascinated. And the thing is, is
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that people think that, because there's a comment section, that
21:50
their commentary is necessary, and it's not, and it's not, you
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guys, you guys. You know, I've done an episode before about the
22:00
three gates. And it's this idea I first learned about it through
22:06
my meditation teacher, ecknatta schwaren, but it goes back. It's
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like, it goes back to, like the Sufi. It's like old old, right?
22:12
And it's basically like your words, your words, should pass
22:15
through three gates before you say a thing. You ask yourself,
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Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Now, while these
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opinions may be true to these two people who felt the need to
22:29
send these they were not kind, and they certainly weren't
22:33
necessary. They would not have passed the Jesus test, right?
22:37
And they certainly wouldn't have passed the test of, hey, right,
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what I call being in the kind Kids Club. I'm from a generation
22:44
of Mister Rogers. Mr. Rogers taught us how to be kind to
22:49
others, right? Bob Ross, you can see him back there on my little
22:53
seat next to Priscilla, right? He taught us to be kind to
22:57
ourselves. And then Steve Irwin, we call it like the holy trinity
23:01
of kindness. Mr. Rogers was like, be kind to others, be kind
23:04
to your neighbors, right? Bob Ross was like, be kind to
23:07
yourself. Oh, you made a mistake. Well, it's birds now,
23:10
right? And then Steve Irwin taught us how to be kind to
23:12
animals. But something is lacking in this day and age. And
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here's a reality. You can get mad at me or not if you're
23:20
somebody who listens to this and you're a Trump fan, but he is
23:23
reality when the President of the United States, when I look
23:27
back and like, what was it? 2016 when he mocked, when he mocked a
23:34
reporter with a disability, and people thought that that was
23:37
okay, because, like, that should have ended his chances of
23:40
running the free world right then and there, when you saw
23:43
what a colossal, colossal asshole move that was, and you
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think, Oh, this is this person's way of being like he thinks
23:51
that's okay. And the fact that we exist in an environment where
23:56
people think that cruelty is cool, and we're seeing more and
24:01
more and more of it in the world. Because when the person
24:04
who quote, unquote is the example of the one who like
24:08
people, and not all of us, but people voted into office, and
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people think that, Oh, that behavior, that way of being, is
24:15
okay, it just spreads a message. It just spreads a message, and
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we're in a world right now where people care more about clicks
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than class, like being classy. Do you know what I mean? Like,
24:28
like not being a piece of shit? Like, they care more about like
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bait, like clicking, like putting up the headlines and
24:35
tricking people, because they want to get the clicks, they
24:37
want to get the likes, they want to get the follows right. They
24:41
care more about going viral than their virtues, who and how
24:45
they're being in the world. They don't care how their content
24:48
like, what content is getting them to go viral. They care more
24:54
about the comments than they do about having a code I'm going to
24:58
do a whole podcast. Us about having a code. I jokingly will
25:03
often say, man's gotta have a code. What's your code? I'll say
25:07
to people, right? And we seem to be in a code of cruelty lately.
25:12
We seem to be in a code of like, well, my opinion matters, and I
25:16
have to let everybody know. No, no. Why be an asshole when you
25:21
can just be quiet. Ask yourself, is this true? Is it kind? Is it
25:27
necessary, if you're a person of faith, ask yourself, What would
25:30
Jesus do? Is what I'm about to say? Why am I saying it? Why am
25:38
I about to say this thing and think about the person, because
25:43
there is a person on the other side of that screen, there is a
25:46
person on the other side of that comment box, there is a person
25:50
on the other side of that email address. And I don't know you
25:55
might want to be asking yourself if you are truly representing
25:58
yourself and how and who you want to be in the world. I don't
26:02
know. I've been talking now. I don't even know if this one is
26:04
short. It certainly doesn't, hasn't felt sweet, because I
26:07
really just, I'm kind of over it. I'm just kind of over the
26:13
lackadaisical attitude that people have with slinging around
26:18
their unkind words and their meanness and their cruelty and
26:24
their comments, their snide comments. You know, just as I've
26:27
talked about this 1000 times, like just being vegan in the
26:30
world, I don't know what it is about vegans and why people get
26:35
so threatened by a group of people who are choosing not to
26:39
harm animals. It does something to the I mean, I actually know
26:43
what's going on. I because there's so much cognitive
26:46
dissonance in the world, because we are a country, especially
26:48
here in America, where people spend so much money on their
26:52
pets, and they say that they love animals, they say that they
26:56
love animals while they're still paying somebody else to murder
26:59
them and rape them and beat them and abuse them and kill them so
27:02
they can have a burger. There's so much cognitive dissonance in
27:05
the world, and so you're a person like, who, like, you just
27:09
post like a vegan recipe, or you post something about animal
27:12
cruelty, and people go crazy, and then they go in your
27:14
comments and they write things like, bacon. Mmm, bacon. I'm
27:18
like, what is it about our compassion and kindness towards
27:24
our animal friends that makes people so threatened? I know
27:28
what it is. It's their own cognitive dissident shit, it's
27:32
their own guilt, it's their own shame, it's their own weirdness,
27:35
but they have to deflect it and, like, throw it on back at the
27:38
vegans. Right? It's so crazy to me. So so much you guys, so much
27:43
of what I talk about on this show is about like taking some
27:47
personal responsibility for the way you're showing up in the
27:51
world, for the kind of life that you're leading, for the things
27:54
that you're saying, the things that you're doing, how you're
27:56
spending your money, how you're talking, how you're speaking,
27:59
how you're all of it like we have to be the adults now, and
28:05
we have to take some responsibility and take a look
28:07
around. So if you're somebody who's been just, just like,
28:12
using the comment section to say whatever you want, not thinking
28:17
about, is this kind? Is this true? Is it necessary, if you're
28:21
doing that, in your relationships, in your
28:23
friendships, with your family, like whatever, just understand
28:28
that your words have power. The things that you say, they can
28:32
affect other people, and it doesn't kill us, like be a part
28:37
of the kind kids club. You know, I think I talked about that. I
28:41
got this little I saw this really cute. This is a while.
28:44
This is before, before the target boycotts, right? But back
28:49
in the day, I found this cute little
28:52
lunch box, and it said kind kids club on it, and I was like, I'm
28:56
in the kind kids club. I want that, right? And that's how I
28:59
kind of think about what the nest is, right? My group
29:01
mentoring program, my spiritual mentoring group program, it's
29:04
like it's for the kind kids it's the kind kids club. It's for the
29:07
people who just don't want to operate status quo, all this
29:11
bullshit, all this meanness in the world. It's people who
29:13
actually want to take responsibility for who they are
29:16
and how they're being and why they're being that way, and
29:18
knowing their own shit, like owning, owning both their
29:22
brilliance and their bullshit. You know, so many people don't
29:25
want to take a look at the fact that they're just walking around
29:28
reacting out of fear all the time. We have an opportunity to
29:32
double down on love. We have an opportunity to double down on
29:35
love, and the world needs it now more than ever. I can go on. I
29:40
can just go on and on and on about this, but I'm over it. I'm
29:44
just over it. I'm over people being unkind to one another.
29:47
It's just not even interesting. It's not sexy, it's not cool,
29:50
it's not interesting, it's gross, is what it is. It's
29:53
immature and it's gross, and it shows absolutely no discipline.
29:57
Lack of discipline if you're not able to. It. Now this doesn't
30:00
mean that you don't get to have opinions, you guys, you get to
30:04
have opinions. And I'm not saying that you don't ever speak
30:07
up, because there is a time and a place, but man, do people just
30:12
feel the need to just say their opinion about things when it's
30:16
just totally unnecessary. It's not needed, and I see the
30:21
effects of it. I work with people too, right? I mean, I
30:25
grew up in a household where a lot of unnecessary, unkind,
30:29
cruel, mean, fucking things were said too. You know, I was a kid.
30:33
I was a byproduct of that environment, and I've had to do
30:36
a lot of work, a lot of work over the years, right, to come
30:40
to a place of, like, self love, right? Like, getting back to a
30:44
place where I was like, oh, you know, like I am actually
30:49
lovable. Oh, gosh, all right, I just gonna end it there. I'm
30:55
just gonna end it there, for the love of all things holy wherever
30:59
you go. I mean, think about how i the whole premise of this show
31:04
is to spread more love in the world, to use spirituality and
31:07
storytelling to help people to understand themselves more. When
31:11
you understand yourself more, and you start to take a look
31:13
around, you start to understand other people more, and you start
31:16
to understand that all we want to do is be loved and accepted
31:18
and belong and to feel like that we matter, and our words are so
31:25
powerful, and we could be using our words to build each other up
31:29
rather than tear each other down. So wherever you go, may
31:35
you leave the people better the animals better right yourself,
31:43
better the environment in the planet, better than how you
31:48
first found them. Think about that is my being here and the
31:52
quality of my thoughts, my words and my actions going to leave
31:56
this person, this program, this thing better for my having been
32:02
here, wherever you go, may you and your energy and your love
32:10
and your presence, your kindness, be a blessing. Bye,
32:16
you.