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The Core Belief: "People Leave" · Back Porch Confessions

• Gravesb41: Y'all, let me tell you about one of my favorite little gyms back home in Robinson, Illinois. If you're looking for boutique style that feels good, fits right, and doesn't break the bank, you have to stop by Polished Boutique, owned by my sweet friend, Mindy, and her two friends, Jennifer and Valerie. And it's ran with heart, y'all. Polished is one of those places where you're not just shopping, you're family. From on-trend outfits, cozy everyday staples, Sometimes my soul is just tired, tired of being strong, tired of carrying the heaviness, tired of fighting battles nobody else can see. And maybe you know that kind of tired too. The kind of tired that doesn't come from sleep, the kind of tired that settles deep in your heart, your mind and your spirit, the kind that comes from surviving, enduring, holding it all together and still showing up when your life had tried to take everything out of you. But here's the truth. That's a wrap on this episode of Back Porch Confessions. Where the tea is hot, the stories are real, and we never apologize for keeping it honest. Produced and edited by the magic makers over at Zay Media. Until next time, keep your porch talk spicy and your secrets safe, mostly. Welcome to Back Porch Confessions, where the sweet tea is strong, the stories are stronger, and no topic is too taboo for the porch. Grab a seat, kick off your shoes, and let's get into the kind of conversation your mama warned you about, but you listen anyway. Back Porch Confessions: Hello, hello everybody. Backporch Confessions. Today it's People Leave. ⁓ The core wound of abandonment, a deep dive into childhood loss, emotional availability, trust, hyper-independence, and learning to feel safe again. Welcome to Backporch Confessions. Today, this is what we will be talking about: the belief that people believe. ⁓ Gravesb41: Hey beautiful people, it's Barbara here from Backport's Confessions. You know, I am only gonna share what I truly love. And y'all, this one's a game changer. Our Way Skin by AYXA is a simple, luxurious skincare created with real women in mind. Think clean ingredients, formulas you can see and feel, smoother texture, that healthy glow and confidence looking back at you in the mirror. Whether you're juggling family, work, or just need a little self-care moment, If you're looking for beautiful, meaningful, and custom-made creations that tell a story, Little Butterfly Design and Print is where creativity and compassion come together. Cheryl specializes in personalized designs that celebrate life's most important moments, from custom shirts and prints to heartfelt gifts, memorial pieces and unique creations made just for you. Every design is crafted with intention, care, and a personal touch that you can feel. 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Welcome into my crazy. Anyway, ⁓ not because people are always bad people, not because they're broken, but because somewhere in their story, someone they needed wasn't there. Left, emotionally unavailable. Gravesb41: Being tired does not mean you are weak, it does not mean you are broken, and it does not mean your story is over. At Renewed Mind we talk about the hard things, the hidden heaviness, the silent battles, the trauma, the grief, the healing, and the fight to keep going when your soul feels weary. This is the place where strong people can finally tell the truth, where healing gets honest, where pain is spoken out loud. Ixa's products give you spa quality results right at home. I'm obsessed with Our Way Skin and the way it makes my skin feel buttery soft. Go check out Our Way Skin by Ixa at ourwayskin.com and tell them Barbara sent you because your skin deserves to be cared for your way. And where the ones who have spent their whole lives pouring into others can find a space to breathe, be seen, and remember they are worth the battle too because sometimes the healer needs healing. Sometimes the strong ones need somewhere soft to land, and sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is admit you're tired and keep choosing to heal anyway. This is renewed mind, real talk, real pain, real healing. Back Porch Confessions: So I'm going to get into this and I'm going to talk about the beginning, the birth of the abandonment wound. Where does it start? What is the core belief coming from? The people leave. That core belief. Where do we find that? Where does that happen? It happens in different scenarios in life. Oftentimes it happens when we are at our youngest point in life. ⁓ a core belief is a ⁓ Gravesb41: One honest conversation at a time. Back Porch Confessions: deeply held belief about ourselves, others, or the world that develops through life preferences or experiences rather, and becomes The lens for which we see everything through, which we interpret our future relationships. ⁓ So that's kind of that's kind of what the the core belief is. It's it's it's knowing that deep down inside you believe that no matter what you do, people are gonna leave. When a child experiences this as an emotional or a physical absence for someone they depend on. So when it happens with them, and it's one of those one or other. one or the other or both ⁓ so on occasion the brain begins to create explanations ⁓ oftentimes children will conclude that people leave as I've said love doesn't stay I can't depend on people I have to handle things myself I have to fight for love I have to fight for attention Have to prove myself, my worth all the time. So during childhood, the child doesn't understand what's going on, doesn't understand the problems, the adult problems. A child isn't going to comprehend that. They only are going to develop that people leave. That sense is going to stay with them. What the child does understand is that the person I needed wasn't there when I needed them. The person that I needed left when I needed them the most. And there are going to be many times in their life when they need somebody, but that particular one is going to stick with them like glue because that person was absent during the time when they needed them the most. So even if the child, he, she, ⁓ they logically know that the parent, the partner, as you get older, not the child, I I you logically know that The person loved you in their way, but they couldn't fulfill the need that you needed. They couldn't fulfill the need that you had ⁓ because they were emotionally unavailable or just gone. So the nervous system learned something different than children who are in stable homes and the parent doesn't leave. ⁓ And again, I'm gonna get into the side of it to where it doesn't happen just as childhood, it actually happens as well as in ⁓ adolescence, preteen, teen, ⁓ young adult. Well into our thirties, forties, and fifties, even further. We can have that that loss. ⁓ so it doesn't have to only happen as children, but more often than not, it does happen when it's when you are are a child and you have that loss. So that's why I'm staying starting with that point. sorry, I I I there was something in my yard and it it was it was a crow walking around. Nothing to worry about, nothing to be scared of. It was just a crow. It was just me being me. so anyway, the nervous system it learned something different than most children. To have normalcy. They learned that people I need can disappear. They've learned that people I love are not always available. I have to figure things out on my own. I have to stand on my own two feet. This is where the hypervigilance comes in. Hyperindependence, rather. Depending on others is risky. So when you have the core belief that when you needed somebody the most, and over and over again they just weren't there for you, what do you think is the going to be the natural response of the nervous system at that point? You can't depend on people. You can't depend on others because it's risky. It's gonna hurt your heart. Because every time you try to, somebody showed you exactly why you shouldn't. I hear everybody raising their hand and saying, mm-hmm, yep, yep, yep, over and over again. The mind remembers facts. Hear me when I say that. The mind remembers facts. The nervous system remembers experiences. Your nervous system is going to show up before your mind does. So your nervous system is remembering the experience of not having that person there, no matter what age it is. You can't depend on them. You can't depend on people. You learn that more than likely at a very young age. That's your core belief. Your nervous system, that's its core belief. It remembers the experience of not having someone in your life, be it parent, a co-parent, maybe a grandparent that was supposed to raise you. That's those core beliefs. Emotional abandonment versus physical abandonment. They're very much different. Similar, but different. So physical abandonment is the absence of a caregiver, absence of a partner, the absence of a true friend. Emotional abandonment is when the caregiver is physically present, but emotionally unavailable. There is zero connection there between you and that person. They have no feeling. They can say something and have zero remorse for how it affects you. Because there's no emotion in them. They don't know what it is. It's buried deep. Most often they were raised that way. It's all they knew. It's how they know to be. So with the emotional abandonment comes the emotional unavailability in people. And I'm gonna jump ahead a little bit, but this is where people who have that core belief oftentimes will pick emotionally unavailable partners. And that's where a lot of this ties in later in life. So why? Why do many people think that abandonment only happens when someone leaves? Because they don't know, nor have they really heard that emotional unavailability is a thing. It's been swept under the rug for so many years that it's not a conversation that people my age and older generally have or have had. What do you mean, emotional unavailability? What is that? Some new fancy term that they're throwing around now? Yeah. Yeah. They have a name for it now is what it is. So it's not true that it only happens when someone leaves. It can happen when somebody's right there in front of you. A parent, a partner, a friend who says they're a friend. They can sit in this same room with you every single day. And they'll still feel like they're ⁓ emotionally constipated, emotionally unreachable. You can be in the same home with them, sleep in the same bed with them at night, and there'll be zero connection because the person that has the emotional unavailability does not know how to have any kind of emotions. doesn't have the ability to have the connection with you. So there's no, you're like ships in the night. There's no connection between you if it happens with a partner, friend, or parent. Some people Some people have lost a parent physically. I've lost my dad. Several of my friends have lost a parent. They've lost a sibling. Others have lost them emotionally. My mom, I've lost her emotionally. ⁓ I probably need to reach out to her. I can't decide what to do there. Anyway, so that emotional connection is not there. The wound from that often feels the same. So the loss of physical or the loss of them emotionally, that's a wound. It feels the same. It's gonna carry that same weight on you. But The nervous system reacts to it differently. So you get into a point of like hypervigilance. You've heard me talk about it before. I'm going to quickly just say hypervigilance is a trauma response where the brain constantly scans for signs of danger, ⁓ rejection, loss, emotional and physical abandonment. That's hypervigilance. We are constantly looking for it. We're constantly on the the lookout. So when anybody has a slight emotional change, we're gonna get alarmed. We're gonna get afraid. We're gonna start asking questions. We're gonna automatically start assuming that okay, this this is it. So that they're leaving. This is it. The relationship's over. ⁓ my dad came back for a minute. He's been in my life for a minute, but okay. He's he's emotionally pulling away. That's that's it. This is all gonna be over with soon. And then we immediately go to doomsday. We immediately go to they're just gonna leave too. If we have a partner that starts to come home and they're tired and work has been kicking their tail and they've got a lot of stress going on. And sometimes ⁓ partners are just crappy at being attached. They're crappy at talking and communicating about life. for those of us who have the hypervigilance, that's gonna be a red flag for us. And we're automatically gonna start assuming that there's something wrong with us, there's something that we did wrong, they're pulling away from us. Why are they pulling away from us? And then we'll have a hundred million questions we won't be able to sleep, we won't be able to think, we won't be able to function properly because we're gonna be stuck in that loop. So when someone important disappears once, ⁓ you know. The brain begins to prepare for it to happen again. Once it's happened, Because of our core belief, the brain is going to prepare for it to happen again. constantly waiting for the other shoe to fall off. You will ruin a relationship that way. Both the person who's actually in the mindset of okay, they're gonna leave anyway, so I'm just not gonna engage and fully love somebody because I need to protect myself. We will sabotage things and push people away that way. We will also have the ⁓ the point where once we on the other side of it, if we're the ones that are sabotaging the relationship because we think that the relationship is going to fall apart. When you have two people that are doing that at the same time, that dynamic is never going to work. You have to have clear communication, you're gonna have to go through therapy, you both are gonna have to heal. So you can't have those two dynamics in the same relationship. It's it's a wildfire waiting to happen. ⁓ but if you have it on one side and the other side is not that way. but This one over here is constantly waiting on the other shoe to fall off, that this person is just gonna leave, and that this relationship is just gonna fall apart, and all the things that we go through in our minds. The nervous system is constantly prepared and on guard and waiting for it, and we never can relax. ⁓ this is why a lot of people overthink comments, overthink text messages, overthink emails. Things that you can't really read emotions into, like ⁓ emails and ⁓ text messages, they really can be destructive in a relationship. When you have somebody in the relationship that is terrible with communication, anything that they say can and will be used against them for the overthinker. they may not be saying what we think we're s what we think they're saying. But because we're overthinkers and because of our core beliefs and our ⁓ nervous system being on guard on a constant basis, they can say something depending on our our mood currently and and if we're already feeling like they're trying to pull away, they could say something that's completely innocent and we'll fall to pieces. I don't know how many of you are in the room going ⁓ yeah, mm-hmm, yep, that's me, that's me, I do that. Yes, it's because your core belief is that people leave. People are always going to leave. That's your core belief. They're not looking for a reason to worry. We're not looking for a reason to worry. The person that is the overthinker, the core believer. We're actually trying to look for proof. That we're safe. We're trying to find the right words, to dig the right words out of this person. So that we don't feel Unsafe. We don't feel I had a brain fart. We don't feel like we have to constantly be proving ourselves and that we're not enough. So when we're in those moments, we don't really want to have to be worrying about it. But our nervous system is just trying to find safety. We have a hard time trusting. We just do. It just is. We have a hard time trusting. And you know, trust trust it becomes complicated for for belief people. Trust is the belief that another person is emotionally reliable, ⁓ predictable, and safe. If if the person doesn't feel safe They're not gonna have a lot of trust in you. They're not gonna have a lot of trust in what you say and that you're going to stay. The nervous system is gonna take over. If the people who were supposed to stay couldn't. The nervous system struggles to believe. That anyone else will. Why would anybody else want to stay? My own freaking mom didn't want to stay. My dad didn't come get me out of foster care. Why would anybody else want to stay for me? I'm obviously bad. There's obviously something wrong with me. Then you get into relationships and you pick emotionally unavailable after emotionally unavailable. ⁓ liars, cheaters, and narcissists. And You constantly are unsafe living in high levels of cortisol for years upon years upon years and your body was not built to res to withstand that. Eventually you're gonna crack. I promise. You know that the core believer person, the overthinker, they don't necessarily distrust you. They distrust what happened before. Therein lies the problem. And because they probably have not healed that portion of them, that's gonna carry through in their nervous system and they're not gonna know it. Half the time, these people don't even realize, I say these people, I'm one of them, that they're doing it. They don't realize that they are creating. this amount of turmoil in the relationship, they don't realize that the ⁓ Deep levels of Emotional damage is creating the insecurities and the unsafety that the underlying level is right there to begin with. And then you get in a relationship with somebody who's emotionally unavailable or a narcissist or whatever, they're not ever going to be able to attend to your needs as you need them because of your unhealed traumas, because of your core beliefs. So it's not that you initially distrust them. It's because of what's happened before. So when you're in a relationship with one of these people that are narcissistic or emotionally ill available or whatever, and you go along the lines of beginning to not verbally trust them in ways and see the reality of who they really are, because they can't give you the love, support, and safety that you need. They're not emotionally and mentally strong enough to do so. That's not a safe place for somebody that has had a core belief of people leave. So you have to heal that portion of you in order to be able to pick somebody. That is going to be able to complement your emotional states. That's going to be able to have the communication, the bandwidth, the brain span. The desire. The true deep love to want to actually be connected to you in a way that they're going to completely understand why you have your moments, why you overthink. There are whole books on how to love an overthinker, how to love a person that's had anxiety, trust issues, da-da-da. There are books on it. Because people actually do want to be able to love someone that way. And they just we've never taught these things. So when the nervous system is in that p predicament and we're in these situations time after time after time, because it's happened once and it happened again and again and again, the nervous system is just always prepared for it for us. So in that happening, It learns the nervous system just learns to survive. It's just surviving. That's where the hypervigilance comes in. Hypervigilance is sorry. It's a trauma response to where the brain constantly scans for signs of danger, rejection, loss, or even abandonment. We're constantly on the lookout for it. Like I said earlier, waiting for the other shoe to fall off. Why? Because at some point, someone important Once disappeared. It's gone. the brain begins to prepare for it over and over again. I think that sometimes. relationships when you're in a relationship. I think sometimes our overthinking abilities is merely our nervous system preparing for the impact of the loss. Of the fear of being left, of the fear of being abandoned again. Abandonment, anxiety is the fear that important relationships will end. Marriage. Long-term relationships. They'll end, they'll disappear, or something is going to take them away, or that the other person is going to emotionally withdraw. And when they do emotionally withdraw, For those of us that are on this side of that fence. It's disaster. It is it is a disaster waiting to happen because it will rock our world. We will lose our minds. It's kind of like the narcissist who loses loses control and you take that back. So when you have the core believer, That is once again going through the abandonment because somebody is emotionally withdrawing. And we will be begging, pleading, and clawing our ways through to your heart to try to get you to not. This is where we lose our minds. When I say we're gonna lose our minds, that's what we're doing. We're losing our minds in this position. When we feel that you're drawing yourself away from us and your emotions are shutting down, we lose it. Absolutely lose it. Why? Why? Because our past pain Teaches the nervous system. If it happened once, it's gonna happen again. I've said that at least three or four times, right? So We oftentimes and and not to throw my husband under the bus, and this is where I say it's dangerous when two people like this get together. It was dangerous for us. It did almost tear apart our marriage. So a lot of times the people that are in this position they can they can love deeply and and they most likely will love deeply. But simultaneously they're also preparing for the loss. My husband is the one that waited around, that laid around, withdrew, drove me crazy, I lost my mind. so when he withdrew, He was waiting for the other shoe to fall off. He just knew I was going to leave. So he half-assed the relationship. He didn't give two flips like he should have. He was not emotionally engaged in his marriage or the woman that he was with. There was no communication. There was no desire. No desire in the bedroom. No desire outside of the bedroom. There was no physical intimacy that meant anything between the two of us by the time I was going through my withdrawal and leave. ⁓ So most people that are in that position, the man, if he decided to leave, they just leave. ⁓ I just left. Me. I was the one who left. But most men on the other side of that will blame the female, say that they're crazy, all these things, never take any accountability for their own actions. That's typically how that will work. He didn't do that. He got the help. He did the steps. He did the things that he should. which is what has brought us back to where we are. ⁓ you know, do we have some work to do still? Absolutely. Did our things go sideways for a couple of months because we moved? Absolutely. Are we gonna have to work on some things again? Yes, we are. But we'll get there. But here's the thing. He loved deeply. And and then after about a year, He quit loving because he was simultaneously preparing. For the loss of me, because that's what happens every time. Subconsciously, consciously, I don't know. I would say subconsciously people do that. Scientifically, it says it's subconscious. I think sometimes people literally know that that's what they're doing. I don't think he did, but I do see and I have talked to people that I feel like they, the other partner definitely knew what they were doing. You know, when when he was in that position of simultaneously preparing for me to leave. He was actually grieving the people. Who had left? And grieving for himself for the people who hadn't left yet, like me. So he was in a mental state that he didn't even know he was in. So trauma survivors push people away. Whether or not he knew he had traumas that made him go there. He d he didn't really know. I don't think. I don't think he was willing to admit it, I guess is the word I'm looking for. So he just had self protection. I oftentimes have self-protection now. I've been hurt so damn much. So self protection behaviors are unconscious behaviors. They're unconscious attempts to prevent future emotional pain. That's what trauma survivors do. They self protect. He was self protecting. I now self protect. А латайс. It's if I leave first, you can't leave me. If I hurt you first, you can't hurt me. And that's the mindset that a lot of people get. And it's very unfortunate. But it's trauma survival. It's core belief. It's the Body's nervous system's way to react and overcompensate for the emotional pain, the emotional loss. You know, sometimes people go from relationship to relationship. Most people think that that's because people are afraid to be alone. I'm gonna disagree. I think it's sometimes people have a fear of being hurt. Think on that. It's a fear of being hurt. So they push people away, go to the next person, push them away, go to the next person. And so they leave a long stream of people that they've hurt, that they've hurt over and over and over again to protect themselves from them being able to hurt them. So if you are a person that is a chronic lever, or if you are a person that has been in multiple relationships, you're trying to either not be alone, which generally equates to you don't want to be hurt. So you hurt first. You leave first. You withdraw first. So now I'm gonna jump into the portion of things where we get into the hyper independence. This comes later in life. It can come as early as young adult, teens, because of home life. We learn to need nobody. Gen Xers are really good at learning to need nobody. Hyperindependence is what I call it. And it is a trauma response where someone avoids re lying, depending on others to become Safety. We avoid dependence on people. Once you feel unsafe. You are going to become hyper dependent and I don't need you for this. I don't need you for that. I don't need you for anything. I can do this on my own. I do not need a woman or a man. I got this. Hyper independence. Because you don't want to be hurt again. When you grow up in a home where support isn't available, you don't have a strong support system. Most Gen Xers did not have a strong support system. What happens is you become self reliant. Self reliance becomes a survival mode. So when when you do that you you stop asking For help, you stop asking for people to be there. You stop asking for people to show up because nobody ever did. When you have the core belief, the core belief of abandonment, the core belief of people leave, the core belief of, ⁓ I'm not good enough. You have the core belief of hyperdependence because the the reliance on people to be there has proven to be hurtful. has proven to be not truthful and that people don't show up. People don't stay. They're not consistent. So you become hyper independent. And so you stop asking for people to show up. Me? Anybody else in here? It's certainly me, definitely me. ⁓ hyperindependence is often an unhealed grief disguised as strength. I'm gonna say that again. Hyperindependence is often unhealed grief disguised as strength. So the strong friend that you have, the strong friend carries everyone, carries everyone else's ⁓ pain, frustration, carries everyone else while secretly carrying themselves alone. The strong person often doesn't really have anybody. That's helping them. Sever God. If you believe in that. I do. You don't have to. God's carried me through most definitely. So the strong friend, the strong person. Their identity, our identity becomes, and and mine has for years, and I still struggle with this. And I have several friends that struggle with this. Because we're the same Gen Xers. our identity becomes I help. I don't need help. I'll be there. I don't need you to be there for me. Why? Because we don't trust it. We don't trust that somebody's really gonna be there. We become Who everybody can run to. Everybody leans on. Everybody depends on. The one that they go talk to. We do that. We become that person. We have that aura about us. People will literally start us, stop us in a grocery store. Ow. Stop us in a grocery store and ⁓ tell us their whole life story out of nowhere. ⁓ we become that. Because we never had anyone to lean on. We have this deep desire to make sure that nobody else ever has to go through what we've gone through, the pain that we've been in. So we become the one everybody leans on. It makes us feel like we have a purpose. Are you that strong one? I know I identify as the strong one most often. So how does this affect or impact self worth? ⁓ I've kinda mentioned it, are you enough kind of thing. Well, as many of you already know, and as many of you have already probably identified in this conversation, we often tell ourselves, maybe I'm not worth staying for. I'm not worth it. Obviously, I'm not worth it because people always leave. So we internalize the abandonment. not always necessarily the truth and it's definitely not fair to the people that we have in our life when we do these things. But we we learn to internalize that when we're a child. And as a child, we interpret someone else's absence as evidence that we are not lovable, that we are not enough, that you are not enough, because of the absence of the parent. If you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. Children naturally personalize loss. No matter how another co-parent or whatever tries to. express it or explain it when one of the other parents disappear, that child is still going to personalize it. And they're going to feel like there's something wrong with them. They did something to make daddy go away. They did something to make mommy go away. They don't ask questions like what happened to my parent? What happened to my dad? What where did my mom go? They ask, we ask, what is wrong with me? Why am I not worth staying for? What did I do to not be worthy of their love? A child will blame themselves. Long before they will ever blame an adult. And it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart when I see this happen. Because I know I've lifted. When I see families falling apart, moms or dads leave, even though I've done the same thing myself, it hurts my heart. Because I've done the healing, because I've done the learning, because I've done the self-acceptance and the apologies and all these things. I can see these things now and I know the innate pain that it causes that I've caused my own older children. I can see all sides of it. So oftentimes in these situations, people like us, we need reassurance, lots of reassurance. It can be daunting for the person on the other side. To have to reassure us so much. But the reassurance seeking that we do it's an attempt to reduce anxiety. That's all it is. We need to reduce anxiety by repeatedly confirming love, safety, commitment. We need the reassurance. The nervous system is trying to calm our fears, squash it. So that's part of what you'll find if you ever look into how to love an overthinker, how to love a woman that's that lives on anxiety. We need reassurance. A lot. One day we will probably be comfortable enough in the relationship that we won't need it if you love us the right way. We'll still need reassurance. We will always need some sort of reassurance. But it may not be like a constant thing. Depends on the person and the trauma that they've been through, honestly. Do you or your partner ever say things like, Do you still love me? Do you think it? You may think these things, you may not say them out loud. Are we okay? You're not mad at me, right? Did I do something? Did I say something wrong? Did I not do something right? Do you ask these questions? Because if you do, you probably have that core belief that people believe, people leave. Bless my heart. People leave and Yeah. Healing the abandonment wound, which I've done on a ⁓ I've done a series on or a podcast, at least one podcast. Healing the abandoned move mo abandoned wound. I swear I can talk people, I promise. Could gravy. We have to first go back to reparenting the child within. Because if this started from childhood, you have to take it all the way back to that. And you have to understand it from day one. What happened here to make me feel this way? Okay, what happened in this situation to make me feel this way? Okay, now I see how it carried over into this situation. Okay, this is why I pick these kind of people. Okay. It's all doable. We can do the healing. You can get in there and do the deep work, the hard work. I promise you can. I'm here. I'm happy to help you. The porch therapy is in progress. Back porch, confessions, TikToks. We do the live questioning and the live conversations. Have a virtual visit with me through the renewed mind. I can help you get back to that, to this, from that to this. Reparenting though is learning to give yourself safety. compassion, validation, emotional support that you didn't consistently receive. Why? Because healing happens when the adult self begins protecting the wounded child. Healing happens when the adult self begins protecting the wounded child. I hope you wrote that down. You have to learn to reparent yourself. ⁓ What does it say when we reparent ourselves? You're safe now. You didn't deserve what happened. You are not too much. You are not hard to love. I tell myself that one all the time. I'm hard to love. I do genuinely feel sometimes I'm very hard to love. And Tommy would probably tell you I can be hard to love because of these core beliefs that I have. Because I haven't truly done a deep reparenting of myself. I had and I chose to love this man. He was everything I prayed for, and then he changed and he emotionally withdrew. And all the healing I did for that eight years went straight out the window. And then here we are. Having to start over. Understanding why he did what he did has helped because if I didn't understand, I wouldn't be sitting here. Definitely not. So in the process of reparenting ourselves, we also learn that not everyone leaves. Healing is the process of creating new experiences that challenge our old beliefs. Healing creates new experiences that challenges old beliefs. So when trauma says everyone leaves, healing is gonna say what? I can't hear you, say it louder. Healing says what? Some people stay. That's right. Some people do stay. Maybe people left. Maybe they weren't available. Maybe they couldn't give you what you needed. And maybe that hurt changed you. But I want you to hear me on this. Their inability to stay was never proof that you weren't worth staying for. You are always worth the love. You are always worth the safety. You are always worthy of chosen. We all wanna be chosen. And healing begins the moment you stop living from the belief that everyone leaves. You have to stop believing that everyone leaves and start allowing yourself to experience the people who stay. Don't push them away. Don't sabotage it. What happens? When you decide to show up for you, to open your heart, and to trust and believe. In the safety and security of the people around you. It's beautiful. It's calming. It's peaceful. Find yourself. Reparent that kid. Renew your faith in relationships because it can happen, but you have to do the healing first. This was my Wednesdays episode that I missed. I'm sorry. So I'm gonna try to post, pre-record some other ones. I got a late start today. But anyway, I'm gonna knock some more out. Tommy will just have to wait on me. Anyway, I thank you guys for being here. I know that you guys ⁓ don't always take something away from every one of these. I appreciate you listening to them all. I know some hit others harder than others. the last one or the next one. But that's what I do so many for. That's what they're all here for. I am gonna start doing in-person lives. ⁓ well not in-person lives, but back porch the interviews and it's gonna be with people. Again, ⁓ I'm going to try to make that a spinoff series from this. I'll probably do ⁓ either one a month or two a month. I'm not real sure yet. On timing and my time and ability and other people's time and ability to be able to do this. Nonetheless, that's coming. Please remember that I do ⁓ virtual counseling. I am here to help you. It can be Christian-based or not. This is 336-383-0236. ⁓ there are commercials in this. Please listen to those. Please give me a five-star review. If you believe in me, please leave a comment. ⁓ Please go ahead and give a review in there. ⁓ give me a rating in Spotify. It pushes me out. It helps get my ⁓ information out into Spotify and to gain more followers and more listeners. Because I want to be able to help as many people as I can. This is not about gaining notoriety. This is about helping people. I appreciate each and every one of you. I appreciate your support, your love, your dedication to me, for listening, for following, and for believing in me. It truly, truly. means the world to me. I love you all. Thank you very much. Until next time, have a great day.