Latest / The Built For More Podcast / Iron Sharpens Iron Pt 1

Transcript

Iron Sharpens Iron Pt 1 · The Built For More Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I saw a post recently that was titled Women, this is what you need to know about men.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: We are pretty simple.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: There's only a few things that we really need.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: And as I started swiping, he lays out everything he thinks we all need.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: And 14 slides later, it was done, which I thought was kind of funny.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because if we're that simple, why does it take 14 slides?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: But it does, it did make me think like, what do I actually want from my wife?
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: And what do what do we really need from a woman and from a from a partner?
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I came to this central idea.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: What I need from my wife, and what I think every man needs from a woman, is support my pursuit of the best version of me.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's my idea.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: I do really think everything that I need from my wife is rooted in this idea that I only need her to support my pursuit of the best version of me.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I actually need to be that for her.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: So let's unpack what I'm trying to say here.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um first, what is the best version of me, and what does support look like?
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because like I think we all see ourselves as one person playing out a a bunch of different roles.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a husband, I'm a dad, I'm a provider, I'm a friend, uh, I have a body that I care for, I have a spiritual life, I have work that matters to me.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And the best version of me is when I'm aligned with the ideal version of me in all those categories.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: So if I see myself as a person who's athletic, I'm athletic.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: If I see myself as a person who's a great dad, I feel like I'm showing up as a great dad.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: All these categories that I value and the ideal version of me in all those categories, if I can meet that ideal version, I'm usually very happy, very fulfilled.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: But if I'm succeeding in one, but not the other, that's where that support that I need needs to come in.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: And support could be help, um, and support could be some type of like correction or writing of the ship or writing of a wrong.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the things that came up today in the Daily Reflections book, it was from Proverbs 27, 17, is as iron sharpens iron, one person sharpens another.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a verse I've heard a thousand times, and it's usually about pushing something related to like brotherhood and accountability.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: But as we zoom out and look at the other verses that support that line, we see phrases like, better is open rebuke than hidden love.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: So support probably needs we need someone in our life who will correct us when we need it instead of being like passive aggressive or not saying anything.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: We see lines like, faithful are the wounds of a friend.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: So support sometimes means we need to be vulnerable and open up to each other and drop the mask.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: A little later in Proverbs, it talks about the sweetness of a friend coming through earnest counsel.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then we get that famous line of like iron sharpening iron, and the whole thing ends with this image of a face reflected in water and the human heart revealing your true self and revealing the person.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: So we're given this bigger picture of what support really is supposed to look like.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: There's rebuke, there's advice, there's challenging, there's reflection.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I think marriage can be one of the deepest versions of that.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's this union that we can uncover the real versions of who we are and who we can become.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like in that, in that last passage, it says the face reflected in wire and the human heart revealing the person, because that's really what we want.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: I talk a lot about our core desire is to be seen.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually our core desires for union, union with with everything and and everyone.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: And it's within that union we can feel fully seen.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: And it's also within that union, I can show up as the best version of me because I feel like I'm the man without that doesn't need the mask.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the man without some hidden agenda.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the man who feels empowered because I feel truly loved.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: When you think about, when you truly feel supported, you feel like you have like another layer that you can just work out of, or another engine you can work out of.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: You just you feel more empowered.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: So we desire this union, and as a result of a strong union, I can show up as the best version of me, and then that leads to the fulfillment I long for.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: So that in my head is kind of how humans work.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk a little bit more practical now.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll use our family as an example.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: My wife is a good cook.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: I am not.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, I don't really care enough about food to ever really try to be good at it.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: But being healthy matters to me.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: And because cooking is something she already does well and she feels she's at her best when cooking, she uses that ability to support me in my pursuits.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because if I had to worry about food, I'd get stress.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: So now I have healthy meals, which those healthy meals means I don't have to worry about it, gives me the energy I need, and therefore I can show up as my best.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: But this doesn't mean a woman should cook, because that'd be ridiculous to just say because you're a woman, you should cook.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: It means a person should analyze how the best version of themselves can support their partner to help produce their stressors.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: She has a skill set related to cooking, I don't have.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: That cooking is a stressor in my life.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: I have skills related to finance and building things she doesn't have.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Those are stressors for her.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's kind of like that yin and yang.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: I do what I can to support her and the best version of her so she can show up at her bet as her best.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: And she does the same for me.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's partnership, and that's that's that support that we really need.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: But there's also something extremely important that needs to be said.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Her gifts or her, I guess, zone of genius, the things that she's good at cannot replace my responsibility to pursue the best version of me.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: And my gifts, the things I'm good at, my best version of me, cannot replace her responsibility for her pursuing the best version of her.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: The amount of times I've heard people say, if if she only did this, or if she only cared more about that, or it'd really be nice if she did this or this, it's not your job to push her growth and the direction of her pursuit of her best self.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: This happens a lot when I talk to people about their family and how they eat.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot make your family eat healthier or be healthier or work out.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: When you do, you just kind of you come off as a jerk.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: You can only show them how simple it really is.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: There's this interesting passage in Galatians 6 where Paul says, bear one another's burdens.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then a few verses later, he says, each should carry their own load.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a little contradictory, but it's also not because your life is your responsibility.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the people who love you are super helpful.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: So you're trying to bear that burden, but you are still in charge of your own growth and your own pursuit for the best version of you.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: That is how you maintain that healthy relationship and have those boundaries of support and encouraging the support in whatever way it's going to manifest within that other person.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I see this a ton with coaching.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: As a coach, there has to be a point where you take charge of your own health.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you're constantly listening to podcasts or writing down workouts off the internet, you're letting other people dictate the direction for your growth.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: You have to own it yourself.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: You have to figure it out.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: You have to ask the questions within.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: You have to figure out how you work.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: You can't just take somebody else's opinion on the direction that you need to go.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: You have to look within.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: I think there's this fine line that we see in therapy, too, where there's a certain point where you don't need the therapist.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: You need to do your own reflection and start really taking that ownership.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: You have to be the leader of your own growth.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: You can listen to advice, but you have to be in charge of your pursuit of your best self.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: So that's in many ways the comforting side of support.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: The opposite side is the rebuke part because at times we're going to need to be put back in our place.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: So over the past few months, I've had to work every single weekend.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: And my wife has done her version of rebuke, and that she's she's telling me, like, you're taking work is taking up too much time.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: And she's seeing that I'm carrying a lot of stress, and it's due to working a lot more, it's it's due to that imbalance.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I get frustrated because when she brings it up, as my dad used to say, and I've heard a thousand times from many other people, like, I'm just trying to do my best.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: What do you want me to do?
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is work.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: I have to work.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I put on that martyr hat and act like there's there's nothing I can do.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: I have to work.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to be the best provider I can be.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I am, and I like I am doing my best, but she's also right.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I need to hear that.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what support's supposed to look like.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: If I truly wanted to be pursuing my best, I would hold better boundaries at work.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: I would, I would become more aware that I'm not balanced in the the best version of me.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: And she's doing her job to call me out as it as the partner that I need her to be.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: She's not against me being the provider, she's for me having balance.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: She's for me being a good husband.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: She's for me being a great dad.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: She's for me pursuing the best version of me and seeing that I'm cannibalizing that, but I'm largely unaware of it.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where this line from Proverbs 21 comes in and makes it really hard to hear because the person who supports the best version of you cannot always be the person who supports the current version of you.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'll say that again.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: The person who supports the best version of you cannot always support the current version of you.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes love encourages.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes love helps carry that heavy weight.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes love confronts.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the kind of relationship we all need and we all want.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's the kind where you truly feel loved and fully known and feel empowered.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: There's this passage that everyone, I guarantee, has heard about love.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I get a little frustrated when I hear people use it because I feel like it's taken out of context.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's 1 Corinthians 13 where they talk about like love is this, love is that, love that.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: But before they talk about everything that love is, they talk about how we can say anything and do anything, but if it's not with love, it's nothing.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: And then after they lay out all these things about love is patient, love is kind, love yada, yada yada yada, they say, for now we see in a mirror dimly, and then face to face.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: And every time I'm not at my best, I could have sworn in that moment, I made the best decision for that moment.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's only afterwards when we reflect on those decisions that we can see we chose poorly.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: And for now we see in a mirror dimly.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Now I know in part that I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I think there's something really important in that phrase, fully known.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you go all the way back to Genesis, we're given this image of humanity naked and unashamed.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: There was nothing to hide.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: There everything was in union.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: It was perfect.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: We talk about like the Garden of Eden, and everything was perfect in that moment because there was union there.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: And then it changed.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: They became ashamed.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: They cover themselves.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: They hide.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we spend a lot of our lives doing some version of that.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: Except we don't use fig leaves.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: We use competence.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: We use success.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: Am I being a good dad?
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Am I being the right provider?
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Do I have everything figured out?
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: There are all these things we use to control what other people see and how other people see us.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: And there's these masks that we wear because somewhere along the way, we became afraid that if somebody saw what was underneath them, it might threaten that connection we have with them and might threaten that union that we long for.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's part of that spiritual journey that we're all on is slowly taking those things off, taking off those masks and not becoming someone else, but becoming increasingly willing to be fully known in the way that I was born to be.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we all want, to be fully known, to be fully seen, have that union, and to become fully ourselves without having to become ourselves alone, because we crave that union.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's what we're all here for.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we all long for.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm responsible for becoming the best version of me.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: You are responsible for becoming the best version of you.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: And love means that we participate and support in one another's becoming.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: There's this story that I feel like I've told before, where this Rabbi Zeusa, this Hasidic teacher, said, When he dies and he stands before God, he isn't afraid that God would ask him, Why weren't you Moses?
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: or like Abraham.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: He was afraid God would ask him, Zeusa, why weren't you Zeusa?
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because his his purpose was never to become Moses.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: His purpose was to become fully himself.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: And our goal, and what I think brings us the most joy, what makes us feel most aligned with our purpose, what makes us feel as close as we can be to God isn't trying to be like anyone else.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's becoming the fullest version of who we already are underneath all those things we've learned to hide behind.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: And our job to one another is to support that pursuit for them.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this can be in marriage.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: I think it can be in brotherhood, friendship, community.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's what this iron-sharpening iron is really about.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's not that do you have people that are around you or do you put yourself in challenging situations?
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have anyone close enough to tell you the truth?
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's about um do you have someone who doesn't want to see you wearing your mask?
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: And they're okay when you take it off.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's about uh someone who's encouraging you to be yourself, someone who contributes to that pursuit of your best version of you, someone that can look at you and say, hey, you're getting off course.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: And someone could say, When you are off course and you do something wrong, they're still with you.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I do think it is really that simple.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that kind of where I started that post with 14 slides about this is who you need to be as women for men.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: I think just support my pursuit of the best version of me, which includes challenging me and support and using your gifts to help support where I have stress, and I'll do the same for you.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: And that's really what that iron sharpening iron, and I think that's what we're doing in our community, and that's what we're doing with the stuff that we're trying to put out.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's exciting.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so if you have any questions, feel free to message me.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, that's thanks for listening.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, see you on the next one.