Latest / The Rooted Family / Ep 5 | Dream Team Marriage (Part 2): Strategize & Play Like a Team

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Ep 5 | Dream Team Marriage (Part 2): Strategize & Play Like a Team · The Rooted Family

• Christian Cornish: Hey friends, before we jump into today's episode, I just wanted to give you a quick note. What you're about to hear is part two of our dream team marriage series. When Christian and I originally recorded this conversation, it was all meant to be one episode. But as we were editing, we realized there was so much encouragement and practical wisdom packed into it that we started to feel like it was a little bit like drinking from a fire hose. So we decided to split it into two parts. If you haven't listened to part one yet, we would highly recommend going back and starting there. In that episode, we talk about the first key to building a dream team marriage, learning to think like a team. And in today's episode, we're diving into the next two keys, which is strategizing like a team and playing like a team. We're sharing some very practical rhythms and strategies that have helped us stay so aligned in our marriage. Things like shared calendars, shared boundaries, weekly check-ins, and we even approach specific roles in our responsibilities in the home. And one more thing before we begin, make sure you listen all the way to the end of this episode because Christian closes our conversation. by praying the most beautiful prayer over your marriage and your family. All right, let's jump into part two of the dream team marriage. what's something I can do to serve my spouse? so that we can function as a team today. And so I think that in order to think like a team, you also number two, need to strategize like a team. I don't think a lot of people talk about the idea of marriages having ⁓ unique specific every team is different, marriage is and every marriage has different personalities in the marriage. it makes sense every team, every marriage would need its own strategy in order to be their very best and to like function in their very best way. Yeah. And it is unique to that, that couple, you said, you know, it, you don't want to be judgmental in this area of how people ⁓ work together and it can be easy to do that or it can be easy to think, ⁓ we should look like what that other couple looks like. And this is a great opportunity to partner together to come up with how your relationship is going to function. ⁓ How it going to be efficient? ⁓ that's not efficiency for efficiency sake, like at work. ⁓ It's. learning how to function, because you come home and you're tired and you're exhausted and you have housework to do and kinds of things, taking care of kids, parenting, maybe you homeschool and maybe you gotta get your groceries still and you gotta make dinner and you have all this stuff. And when you don't have a strategy, it just feels like chaos. so strategizing together is an opportunity. ⁓ to bring peace into your home. Because you have a way you're gonna move through the week. So we have a few strategies. Here's some practical things we have that have helped us a lot. I would say like for instance, a shared calendar is a huge thing for us. I'm not sitting here telling you. how to have a shared calendar. Is it on paper? Is it on the wall? Is it a dry erase board? Is it Google Calendar? Is it Apple Calendar? I don't give a rip, ⁓ But the point ⁓ that that alignment prevents resentment in our because we are always on the same page about ⁓ where we are, ⁓ we're doing, what the things happening week. We talk about it ⁓ before the week starts. But that calendar has really been a huge game changer. Yeah. I you and I are so in tune with ⁓ our ⁓ Like I don't know everything that's going on in your job and you don't know every moment of my day. However, we definitely know what appointments we have coming up. know all the kids, you know, where they have to be. Like you would never put a men's hangout on the calendar without first looking at our shared calendar. And then even shooting me a text and being like, Hey, can I do this on Friday night? It's like we care so deeply about our time and how we invest our time we know that our marriage is ⁓ shared time. And so it makes sense that we on the same page when it comes to what we're putting on our shared time. Yeah, I think you're 100 % right. I think that's very true. And it took a really long time to get there. I remember when we did get the calendar up. Yeah. Yeah, we had to fumble through things missing. totally admit it was hard for me to get into the rhythm of looking at it. And I would miss things or I would... you know, make a commitment and then find out later, ⁓ there is something on the calendar. So we really had to work through that, but it's all worth it now. Yeah. I don't think that looking back at it, I don't think we ever, like I remember at the beginning of our marriage, we still always, asked each other before we just filling our time. that's true. We've always like, it wouldn't just be like, hey, I'm going out with some guys after work. I'll see you later. Yes. ⁓ We've never like that. That's never been true. That's never been something we've had to like overcome or, you know, you would do the same thing. Like you want to just go somewhere without saying something like we have a conversation about it for sure. Yeah. Like I have definitely heard of people in other marriages, they'll go out till whenever they want to go out and then just come home or they will just book, ⁓ their, adult sporting or, you know, things to their calendar and not like, what's the word I'm thinking of? when you... Elaborate? Maybe collaborate, I don't want to say ask permission, because it's not necessarily asking permission, but kind of is. Like we're addressing each other. Checking in. Checking in. Yeah, we're checking in with each other. Anyways, think the point is we always collaborate together. Yeah. And the calendar is a great way for us to do that very practically. Yeah. Is to look at the calendar, you know, we still before we add something, we check in with each other and say, Hey, here's what's going on. ⁓ is it cool if I add this? well, another way we use our shared calendar and we'll share about this in other episodes is we put our rhythms on our calendar. This is a very unique strategy that we love to teach other families because ⁓ believe rhythms are only actual rhythms when they have timestamps on them. If you have a timestamp on a rhythm, it's basically non-existent in my book. like if you at our family calendar today, you would see ⁓ all kinds of rhythms. You'd see our laundry our meal planning rhythm, and you would see ⁓ the our marriage rhythms, you would see our family meeting rhythm, all the different rhythms that we have, we have them literally scheduled in our shared calendar. Yeah, and they really function like shared boundaries. one of those is like, yeah, is another strategy that we have is having shared boundaries. And Sabbath a great example of a shared boundary ⁓ our strategy. ⁓ that we protect our time, that we are going to make time for each other, for our family. And, you know, we just really believe if we don't define that time, our culture will. ⁓ so ⁓ that's shared we have. ⁓ And we've agreed Hey, we're not going to do certain things like XYZ things on this day. Like there's just certain things ⁓ that we have in place that we've talked about ahead of time ⁓ so that we don't have, you contention or fighting or things like that. And those shared boundaries have supported us to, not create Yeah, I thought of a couple other shared boundaries that we have just to give a few other examples. ⁓ So of them being we have a shared boundary around alcohol. Yeah. So we have I and I feel like this has created like zero problem for our relationship as far as alcohol is concerned. I think that can be a point of tension as to like, do we drink? Do we not drink? When do we drink? Do we drink around the kids? And you and I just have a very clear boundary as far as we enjoy one or less beverages a week. ⁓ partake in alcohol for celebration. We have a boundary in our marriage that if we're stressed, if we're depressed, we're sad, if we're feeling very heavy we do not partake in alcohol. And even if we're not together, that's a shared boundary that we have around alcohol. And usually we will partake on the Sabbath. We'll open a bottle of wine when we kick off Sabbath. And it's like really a moment of a delight and celebration. But I love that. I feel like we really trust each because of that shared boundary. ⁓ and another shared boundary that we have is around our finances. So you and I have a limit as far as like what's the maximum, is that the right word? like what is the threshold that we won't spend without consulting each other? Yeah, and it does help we budget, we know our numbers together. So we don't, go out and spend frivolously anyway. But you're absolutely right. We wouldn't just go out and buy, I wouldn't just go buy a new TV. Or a new golf club. Or a new car. Or a new car. I've literally heard that before of spouses going and buying a vehicle and coming home and telling their other spouse. It's like those commercials, they always make me laugh around Christmas time. one's about surprises the other and it's like with the bow, the car. Yeah, the bow of the car. And it's like some hundred thousand dollar car. Like that would be a literal nightmare for us. be like, you best go walk yourself back to that dealership and return that vehicle now. Wow, I have a Can you ⁓ put that card on the card and get some points? ⁓ Lots of points. of So as as you put the car on the card and got points so we can take our European vacation. ⁓ You have a European every month. Okay. I guess in that you can go get the car. Just put it on the card. But you're right. We have always a shared boundary around that. And that those are strategies though that help us navigate our life and our marriage. have friction. Yes, and to not have friction and to be on the same page. And I think the last strategy we really encourage you to do is the weekly check-in. just a marriage power hour or a family meeting. It's a practice and a rhythm that has ⁓ really us on the same page. always brings us back together, especially in weeks where, I mean, some weeks I just have a lot going on in my job, for instance, and you also have a lot that you're doing. And so there are nights where you come home and it's like practically trade. I take over for the kids and you take care of what you need to. That's not all the time, but it happens once in a while. And we could get to the end of that week and have barely really connected. And I think that's completely normal. It's not a bad thing. It's just what can happen sometimes. the weekly check-in has been a moment that has really grounded us and really brings us back to each other. And I think that's what I really love about that the most. We ⁓ love Marriage Journal by the Roloffs. That is tool we can share in the notes and it is a tool that we've used for years. And there's a, like kind of a devotional reflection we talk about. We, gives us a moment to talk about our calendar for the week. And then we ask each other really simple questions, but they create such deep conversation, just what brought you joy this week? What was hard? What's a craving or a desire you have had lately? And all of that is such an amazing tool. that strategy. really equips us throughout the rest of the week. And by starting from this point where we're together and we've shared our hearts with each other, really puts us on that playing field together and ready to go out and win that week. Yeah, I have really loved the Marriage Journal. And I feel like when we go a week or two without doing it, ⁓ get so thrown off because that marriage journal is just so grounding. It really is something that keeps us so aligned. I think that even if you don't have like a physical journal that Christian was just talking about, even just setting aside 10 to 15 minutes, like scheduled, again, schedule this into your calendar, give it a timestamp so it's an actual for real rhythm. ⁓ I would say that you know, Sunday night, for example, at 7 p.m. or, you know, a slow morning on the weekend, like maybe it's Saturday morning or, you know, maybe it's Monday morning over coffee. But just find a time in your calendar that you can prioritize, really commit to having this, like, weekly check-in with your spouse. find that couples who do this regularly, they truly are rooted couples, couples who are on the same page, they know what's coming up for the week, they are couples who almost in tune with their spouse's current, heavy situations and their spouse's current joys and like, ⁓ it just feels you really know your spouse more when you have this prioritized time together. It's true ⁓ and our family out of ⁓ the strategy of us being connected. ⁓ run our family. don't, because we work as a team and we have these strategies in place, we the family. Our culture around us doesn't run the family. Our kids don't run the family. We run family. And that has been such a huge game And ⁓ that, you know, even Strategy is always enough. You have to get out and you have to play like a team. We've been talking about it. you can't think like a team and if you're not strategizing, you're not going to be ready to play. But when you've done those things, you're ready to get out on the field ⁓ win. Move direction that you want to move and the direction that God's called you to move. And that's beautiful. It's such a great time to, I said in our third point, is to play like a team. And it's that opportunity to be ⁓ in. And this is really tough because it really requires you to own your role. Like once you've talked about what you're going to do, you set your boundaries, you have your strategy in place, like you got to go out and own your role. ⁓ on the team has to trust everybody else is going to do their part. because you can't pick up the slack for the other person. So we determine together what our roles are gonna be, and then we have to go take personal responsibility for that. And we talk about it often, and we do shift as necessary. We've had complete shifts in our marriage. There's been times where I haven't worked, I was the one taking care of the family a lot throughout the day. Yeah, like a stay-at-home dad, and my direct sales business was so successful that ⁓ I was able to provide the main income for us for a season, which was such a blessing. yeah, you kind of had to figure out how to be stay at home dad. And we kind of figured out that that wasn't what we love. ⁓ we ⁓ We back. That's okay. we, took the responsibility. You took the responsibility. We determined what those roles are. We shift roles home. all the time. Like recently, know this sounds funny, we started doing the laundry together, like folding it together, we've almost never folded it. I've almost always done the folding. You've almost always done the washing. And it's kind of been this like ⁓ dividing between us. Because it was like strengths. You must admit you are ⁓ best folder in our house. Like fold clothes. Thank you. You fold clothes almost freakishly. Perfect. And so who doesn't want their clothes folded so beautifully? So I'm like, okay, you should just take that on. And I didn't mind. Yeah, because it was just at all. was your Star Wars time. I would watch Star Wars or something and you know, it was a great arrangement. Well, I think I think this goes back to when we were dating and engaged and we did pre-miracle counseling. Shout out to the Schweigerts. who did our pre, it was actually pre-engagement work because it was, we did this, what was it called? I don't even remember what it was called, but it was like several months working with a mentor, mentor couple. Maybe it was mentor couple. Yes, they were a mentor couple. Yeah, so they entered us when we were dating. Most of the couples in the program were engaged. but we took it seriously and we're like, okay, we're gonna do this while we're dating to see if we actually want to be engaged. Like we don't want to do this while we're engaged and then have to break off an engagement. And so maybe we can talk about that in another episode. But anyways, I remember one activity that we specifically did with our mentor couple, they us a sheet of paper that had a bunch of roles. I do remember this. And we had to go through and ⁓ of designate, okay, in the... family of origin that we grew up, the mom did this and the dad did this. For example, who checked the mail? Who loaded the dishwasher? Who took out the trash? Like all the rules of the home. It was like, what you grew up, did your mom do this or did your dad do this? And then we collectively came together and we were, we kind of made some decisions before we got married on who would bring out the garbage and who would, cook the meals. But ⁓ We still do this, in our marriage. It's not like we decided before we got married and we just stuck to those roles. We have continuously communicated when you had a job and I had a job that might've felt too heavy like recently, we've had to make some shifts in who was managing the finances and how you were planning the budget and things like that. We've communicated with each other when our role was getting to be too much or when we needed the other person to step up in their role. And I love that. I love that we talk about it so frequently that it's not like we ever feel like, I have so many things on my plate. So, you know, you're going to have to pick up so much more. I think you and I both acknowledge that we have a lot going on and we also express our need. you know, when I need you to give a little bit more and when you need me to give a little bit more. Yeah, we just kind of goes back to that idea of assuming positive intent, but we don't score keep. We're one of us isn't sitting and tallying the other ⁓ on how much have you done today versus how much have I done today or this week or lately. It's just. ⁓ we don't score keep. We're not, of us isn't sitting and tallying the other ⁓ on how much have you done today versus how much have I done today or this week or lately. It's just. ⁓ us working together. Well, we don't need a score keep because we are literally on the same team. Yeah, we time you take out the trash every time I make dinner every time you take the kids to school or run an errand to Walmart or I dust the living room or wash the clothes. ⁓ We know that we are winning for ⁓ our Absolutely. ⁓ And celebrate that. us working together. Well, we don't need a score keep because we are literally on the same team. Yeah, we everything every time you take out the trash every time I make dinner every time you take the kids to school or run an errand to Walmart or I dust the living room or wash the clothes. We both know that we are winning for our team. Absolutely. And we celebrate that. And when we need to help each other out, we do it. And if we need to have a correcting conversation with each other, we're really careful about how we approach each other. Our tone matters a lot because conflict doesn't make you enemies at all. it just means that there's something to work on and you know, ⁓ in a while, something slips here or there. That's, it's not a big deal to move on with the day, but sometimes you got to talk about it. Like, you know, what if I don't take out the garbage for a few days in a row? Okay. Now you. totally an opportunity to say something. Like maybe I'm in a hurry one day and I forget, but if it's often, like that's putting something extra on you ⁓ you hate taking out the garbage is like one of those big ones that is like, no, I don't want to do this. Don't make me do this unless I have to. Well, and I think there's a difference too in like, were you owning the job? Like I don't think we have a shared responsibility with the trash, for example, because just been your job. you know, think that what becomes issue is like ⁓ when wives husbands go to each other with a concern and the other spouse is not humble enough to say, I'm sorry, and own their role. Instead, they become defensive. Like, well, why don't you just take out the trash? Like you could respond to me that way, but instead you say, I'm so sorry. That is my job. Yeah. ⁓ will make sure to get that done tomorrow. I think you bring up a great point about owning it. ⁓ mean you're perfect. It just means when you mess up, when you messed up, you just say, I'm sorry. And don't make excuses. You don't, you know, try to pawn it off on something else, just accept, yeah, I'm sorry, I was better. And then go do better. Totally. And I think also in the same light, the person that has been offended, like for me, for example, if you didn't take the trash out for a couple of days, I'm not gonna come to you slam the lid down on the trash can and make sort of passive comment like, wow, it must be nice to not have to take the trash out today or. Must be nice that I have to fulfill your responsibilities. not going to make a passive comment. I'm not going to scream at you. I'm not going to belittle you or call you names. ⁓ not even going to assume that you were trying to hurt me by any means by not taking the trash out. ⁓ I am going to be honest with you ⁓ it is putting a little bit of a wrench in my day ⁓ you know, the trash is overflowing. It would be really nice if you would, fulfill your job and take it out and just kindly ask you to do it tomorrow. And I know you so well that you're gonna be like, I'm so sorry. ⁓ ⁓ will be intentional about that tomorrow. you're not gonna be mad at me because I brought this to your attention. No, but passivity is not a strength of yours. So, know, you might, I might go cry in the corner because you were direct, but I'll get over it. ⁓ one my best friends, Libby Carlson, she always says clear is kind. ⁓ you're clear. And you're very kind. ⁓ I'm kidding. Well, I mean, I may say it directly, but I mean, honestly, I think that's where a lot of marriages go wrong. is that we just aren't honest with each other. Or the passivity is through the roof. ⁓ like if you can't be honest with your spouse about how you feel, ⁓ know, that could be another sign of smoke. Like if you don't have the safety to be honest, like you could be very mean to me. That could be an option. If I was clear with you and honest with you, you could be, you know, aggressively mean and that would be a problem. Or I could be the wife that's so passive that I just hold it all in and never share with you what's bothering me. I just, you know, there's probably a lot of bad theology around you submitting to their husbands and not speaking up when they are bothered. ⁓ And women go on for years carrying bitterness ⁓ and and anger. Same thing with husbands because they're unwilling to speak up and be clear. And that's not playing nice. Like if we're talking like with the whole analogy of being good teammates, playing nice is not hiding ⁓ yeah. A great team does have ⁓ structure with accountability in place where teammates can share honest accountability about where they see the other person, maybe something they're missing or something that they're not understanding and it's important to have that within a relationship that's in a team that is successful. Totally. the way you say something can either build your team ⁓ it can fracture it. And so I think it's just important that as we are being teammates, that we are honest with each other, we're clear with each other so that we can really help each other be the best that we can be. Like, isn't that really the best teams out there? Yep. is that the teammates truly sharpen each other and they help each other to meet their greatest potential. Yeah, that's absolutely true. I agree with you 100%. And I see it in the great teams that I've led and the weakest teams are the ones where anytime somebody says something, somebody gets offended and it's like, get over yourself. Let's just all try to be our best and let's... in our marriages, let's try to be our best and let's help our spouses be their best. Yeah, absolutely. I think it really comes down to, and you and I have talked about this often, is that the best teams have an incredible coach. Yeah, absolutely. God is our head coach and our first root is God first. And for us, we just invite the Holy Spirit into our relationship. You know, you can't manufacture unity. in your own strength and it is so hard marriage is insanely hard. Yeah. And that there's nothing wrong with saying that by the way, because 50 % of marriages fail because it's really stinking hard and it's a hundred percent worth it to keep fighting. It's a hundred percent worth it to invite the Holy Spirit in and have God guide you in your relationship. Like we've given you some strategies and some ideas. But is forming your relationship. He's taking you where your marriage needs to go. He's taking you on the journey you need to go on. And so that's why we're not here to tell you exactly how and what it all looks like, but we are guiding you to partner ⁓ with to figure that out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, ultimately, you can. ⁓ try a lot of different things to strengthen your marriage, but there will be nothing like going to Jesus, humbling yourselves, kneeling at the foot of the cross together and acknowledging that you can't do this on your own, that a great marriage, you could have a good marriage, maybe, but to have the most unshakable, deeply rooted marriage, it is impossible. without God. And we know that firsthand. mean, has ⁓ strengthened when we have been at our absolute weakest. Yeah. And we go to the Lord together on how we're going to raise our children. We go to the Lord ⁓ on we are going to manage our money, manage our money and in our intimacy and in every way our vision for our future. ⁓ so I think what we really hope that you take away today is that your kids, they don't need you be parents. They need you to be perfect in marriage. They want parents who are for each other. Imagine your home being marked by alignment instead of tension. Yeah, because Jesus, didn't just come to give you truth. He came to give you ⁓ And that includes your marriage. And so we want to ask you today, which of these three keys do you want grow in? Which ones do you need to grow in? And I'm just going to repeat the three keys of being a dream team in your marriage. you think like a team. Two, you strategize like a team. And you play like a team. And so we ⁓ want to process that today. Which of those three keys do you need to grow in? And what's step that you could take? You personally. So don't think about your spouse, but think about you personally. ⁓ What is one baby that you could take this week to be a better teammate to your spouse. And so that is the encouragement, that is the pondering that we want to offer you today. We hope and pray that this episode was an encouragement to you. We have walked the journey of marriage and we know that it gets really, really hard. And we just want to encourage you to the Lord. seek help if you need it. And ultimately we want you to just draw closer to your spouse because we know that when you and your spouse are healthy, when you go deeper as a couple, ⁓ you truly ⁓ reflect Christ's to the world even even more. And so we just ask that if this episode encouraged you today, ⁓ or if you know of a couple that it would bless, would you just forward this on? if the Family podcast has been an encouragement to you, it would mean so much to us. If you would ⁓ leave us five-star rating, ⁓ a review on Apple ⁓ or even on Spotify. We love reading the comments ⁓ and they do help us think about some ways that we can answer your questions in future episodes. ⁓ gonna end us in prayer and ⁓ just pray that the Lord would bless your marriage. Absolutely, let's pray. Father God, we thank you that you're not only the truth, but you are the way and the life. We thank you for that abundant life you promise, and that it isn't just for eternity, but it's for today, for our homes, for our marriages, for our families right now. Lord, for the couple listening who feel hopeful and ready to grow, would you strengthen them? Give them humility to serve each other. Give them wisdom and help them to align their rhythms and their vision and have the courage to fight for unity. God, I pray for those who are weary, who feel distant and discouraged. God, would you breathe fresh hope into their hearts, soften what is hard, restore what's broken. and guide them to the help and support they need. Holy Spirit be the head coach of our family. Teach us to love like Christ loves, sacrificially, patiently, and joyfully. And we surrender our marriages to you again today. Build them into something that reflects your glory in your life. In Jesus' name, amen. Amen.