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The Importance of Every Parent Beginning With the End In Mind · Raising Daughters

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  Speaker 1: Hello friends, Dr. Tim Jordan here with you. Brand new
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Raising Daughters podcast. Hope you're enjoying your fall and I
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: hope you're enjoying your parenting. And the reason I say
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  Speaker 1: that is because I see so many parents today who
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: are so stressed. It's so many fears about their children's futures,
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: about getting them in the right schools, getting them in
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  Speaker 1: the right teams, and all of that. I've talked about
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  Speaker 1: it before. And I've been giving a lot of talks lately.
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  Speaker 1: And I thought I would talk about a topic that
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  Speaker 1: I speak about with parents a lot. Let me start
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  Speaker 1: with a story. This is one of my favorite stories
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  Speaker 1: I read about a long time ago. I read a
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  Speaker 1: lot of biographies. And this is a story about a
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  Speaker 1: very famous man, Frank Lloyd Wright. Frank Lloyd Wright was
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  Speaker 1: a famous architect, and he remembers one time when he
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  Speaker 1: was a kid that he learned a very valuable lesson
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  Speaker 1: about life. He said he was about nine years of age,
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  Speaker 1: and one day in the wintertime, he was taking a
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  Speaker 1: walk in the countryside with his uncle. His uncle was
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  Speaker 1: this kind of no-nonsense, serious kind of guy, and he
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  Speaker 1: walked through this snow-covered field, and when they got to
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  Speaker 1: the end of the field, his uncle stopped, and he
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  Speaker 1: told frank to turn around and look at at the
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  Speaker 1: field behind them their path where they had come from
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  Speaker 1: and said tell me what you noticed and frank noticed
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  Speaker 1: that his path went back and forth across the field
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  Speaker 1: over on this side he was looking at these woods
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  Speaker 1: over this side he's looking at this back and forth
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  Speaker 1: until he got to the end and sonko said but
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  Speaker 1: notice my path i started there and i went straight
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  Speaker 1: to where we are right now he said i want
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  Speaker 1: that to be a lesson to you about your life
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  Speaker 1: And Frank Lloyd Wright said, it was a lesson to me.
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  Speaker 1: He said, but not the one I think my uncle
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  Speaker 1: wanted me to learn. What I learned was I wanted
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  Speaker 1: my life to be more varied. I didn't want to
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  Speaker 1: be that narrow. So I wanted to try lots of
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  Speaker 1: different things and discover things on my own. I don't
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  Speaker 1: know that our kids these days have that kind of freedom.
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  Speaker 1: One of the exercises my wife and I have done
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  Speaker 1: in our talks for a long time, we've been doing
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  Speaker 1: speaking for, I don't know, 30, 35 years or something, anyway.
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  Speaker 1: But I remember reading Stephen Covey's book, The Seven Habits
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  Speaker 1: of Highly Effective People, a thousand years ago. And one
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  Speaker 1: of his habits, I think the first habit, was to
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  Speaker 1: begin with the end in mind. Now, my wife and
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  Speaker 1: I have done this exercise I'm going to describe to
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  Speaker 1: you in, at last count, I think it's 16 different countries.
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  Speaker 1: And what we do is we have the audience, these
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  Speaker 1: are parents, close your eyes, And we have them visualize
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  Speaker 1: that they're walking on a beach and they see a pier.
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  Speaker 1: They walk out on the pier and they walk down
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  Speaker 1: to the end and they sit on a bench looking
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  Speaker 1: back towards the shore. And then we have them imagine
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  Speaker 1: that their kids start walking towards them on this pier.
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  Speaker 1: But we say, I want you to imagine your kids
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  Speaker 1: like they're all grown up. And I want you to
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  Speaker 1: imagine what you'd like for them to look like and
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  Speaker 1: be like when they're all grown up. your end in mind,
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  Speaker 1: if you will. So we give them a moment or
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  Speaker 1: two to kind of visualize that. Then we stop, have
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  Speaker 1: them open their eyes. And then we have, you see
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  Speaker 1: a whiteboard there. So we make a list. What are
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  Speaker 1: some of the things, the qualities that you want? What's
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  Speaker 1: your end in mind, if you will? And the list
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  Speaker 1: that we've done now in 16 countries has always been
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  Speaker 1: the same. This includes three or four countries in Europe.
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  Speaker 1: This includes eight or nine Asian countries, that we've given
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  Speaker 1: talks in, always the same list. The list has things
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  Speaker 1: like high integrity, empathetic, they are kind to their peers
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  Speaker 1: and kind to their siblings, that they have good values,
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  Speaker 1: that they're hard workers, that they have a good imagination,
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  Speaker 1: that they're creative, things of that sort. Things I think
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  Speaker 1: that most of us would say, those are important things.
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  Speaker 1: I would love for my kids to have those kinds of,
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  Speaker 1: things like high integrity and empathetic and all that. And
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  Speaker 1: what's really interesting is not so much what's on those
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  Speaker 1: lists in 16 countries, but what's not on the list.
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  Speaker 1: And what has never been on the list anywhere we've
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  Speaker 1: ever been is things like top grades, straight A's, going
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  Speaker 1: to a top tier college, being on a club team,
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  Speaker 1: winning a national championship, those sorts of things. That's never
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  Speaker 1: been on the list. And yet, what we say to
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  Speaker 1: the parents is, where does most of our parenting energy go?
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  Speaker 1: We spend so much time, so much energy worried about
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  Speaker 1: getting our kids on the right teams and getting our
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  Speaker 1: kids in the right activities, getting our kids the right tutor,
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  Speaker 1: getting our kids in the right preschool so they can
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  Speaker 1: get into a good grade school, right grade school to
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  Speaker 1: get into a good high school, high school, top grade
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  Speaker 1: so they can get into a top college, blah, blah, blah, blah.
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  Speaker 1: And someday they're going to have a great job making
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  Speaker 1: a lot of money. That's kind of the line of thinking.
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  Speaker 1: And if you are sitting here listening to this, you're saying,
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  Speaker 1: I would never think that. I'm telling you, when I
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  Speaker 1: talk to kids and ask them what their parents say
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  Speaker 1: to them, they'll say, my parents want me to get
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  Speaker 1: good grades. I say, why do you want to get
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  Speaker 1: good grades? Because I want to get into a top college.
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  Speaker 1: Why do you want to go to a top college?
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  Speaker 1: So I can get a great job. Why do you
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  Speaker 1: want to get a good job? So I can make
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  Speaker 1: a lot of money. That's what has been conditioned into
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  Speaker 1: our children. I hear it over and over and over,
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  Speaker 1: and it creates a lot of stress because that may
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  Speaker 1: not be their path. So all that pressure, everything our
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  Speaker 1: kids do today has to have a high-level future purpose.
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  Speaker 1: It's about their futures. It's hard for our kids, I think,
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  Speaker 1: to enjoy the here and now, to enjoy the activity
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  Speaker 1: they're doing because they like playing soccer, because they like
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  Speaker 1: to draw, they like to dance, they like to do gymnastics.
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  Speaker 1: Instead of focusing on what's fun and what they like
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  Speaker 1: to do, it's more about doing it because it looks
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  Speaker 1: good on my college resume. It looks good on paper.
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  Speaker 1: I think our kids have become very future-focused. And you
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  Speaker 1: may be sitting there thinking, well, what's wrong with being future-focused?
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  Speaker 1: And I'm saying it's okay for them to think about
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  Speaker 1: their future, but not with everything that they do. I
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  Speaker 1: want them to enjoy the moments. I want them to
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  Speaker 1: play sports because they like being on a team with
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  Speaker 1: their buddies. Because it's fun. God forbid sports. They would
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  Speaker 1: do something because they like it and it's enjoyable and
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  Speaker 1: it's fun. I'm telling you, in my counseling practice, in
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  Speaker 1: my retreats, weekend retreats, my summer camps, when I sit
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  Speaker 1: down with girls in circles and we're talking about real things,
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  Speaker 1: so many of them talk about being burned out. They
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  Speaker 1: want to quit sports teams. They'll say, why don't you quit?
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  Speaker 1: You say you hate soccer now. Why are you still
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  Speaker 1: doing it? And they'll say to me, because I can't.
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  Speaker 1: I would disappoint my parents. I would disappoint the coach.
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  Speaker 1: I would disappoint my teammates. My parents have invested so
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  Speaker 1: much time and so much energy and so much money
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  Speaker 1: into this sport that I can't quit. And so they're
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  Speaker 1: doing something that they don't even like to do just
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  Speaker 1: because they don't want to disappoint people. Or because it's
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  Speaker 1: going to look good in their college transcript. So I'm
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  Speaker 1: suggesting that maybe what you should do or could do
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  Speaker 1: with your spouse is to sit down and do this
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  Speaker 1: end in mind exercise and think about what's really important.
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  Speaker 1: What do we want our kids to be like when
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  Speaker 1: they're grownups? What kind of things do we want them
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  Speaker 1: to take away from their childhood? What kind of qualities
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  Speaker 1: will they see in their mom and dad? What kind
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  Speaker 1: of qualities are important in them? And once you have
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  Speaker 1: this end in mind, you put your list together and
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  Speaker 1: create a list of this is what's important to us,
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  Speaker 1: then let that list Guide your decisions about schools, about activities,
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  Speaker 1: about all the things that they do. Because what I
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  Speaker 1: see a lot is that parents today are really being
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  Speaker 1: driven a lot by fears. They're so worried their kids
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  Speaker 1: are going to get behind. They aren't going to keep up.
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  Speaker 1: I've said this before, probably in a previous podcast several
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  Speaker 1: years ago, but parents tell me all the time they
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  Speaker 1: want to give their kids an edge. They want to
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  Speaker 1: give their kids a leg up. because they don't want
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  Speaker 1: their kids to get behind. And because of that, it
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  Speaker 1: causes them to oftentimes overindulge, overprotect, push, micromanage, and to,
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  Speaker 1: I think, the harm to their kids, filling up their
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  Speaker 1: children's schedules with enrichment classes, professional coaching, premier summer sports camps,
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  Speaker 1: test preps, early specialization. I guess I just want to
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  Speaker 1: remind you in this podcast today, that childhood is not
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  Speaker 1: supposed to be a race. It's not a contest. It's
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  Speaker 1: not about prizes at graduation. Childhood should not just be
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  Speaker 1: about building a college resume or winning a national championship
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  Speaker 1: or getting a college scholarship. Grade school should not just
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  Speaker 1: be high school prep. High school should not just be
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  Speaker 1: college prep. Because if you think those things are all true,
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  Speaker 1: then it's going to be really hard to not Feel
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  Speaker 1: like you need to mold and micromanage and motivate your
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  Speaker 1: kids to stay on the course that we set for them.
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  Speaker 1: that may not really fit for them it fits for
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  Speaker 1: idea of this is what i want for my kids
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  Speaker 1: i don't think that's how life is supposed to work
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  Speaker 1: i think each and every one of your kids has
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  Speaker 1: their own path their own destiny they need to learn
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  Speaker 1: their own lessons in their own way in their own
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  Speaker 1: time And that their childhood is not supposed to be
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  Speaker 1: about constantly performing for being judged by adults, adults like parents, teachers, coaches, colleges, peers, showcases.
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  Speaker 1: We tend to overvalue busyness and competition. And so our
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  Speaker 1: kids end up becoming, in my mind, overly focused on
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  Speaker 1: things like looking good, impressing everybody, being popular, getting into
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  Speaker 1: the right school, getting onto the right select sports club team,
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  Speaker 1: getting straight A's, this relentless pressure to succeed and beat
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  Speaker 1: everybody else and be the best and be famous, have
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  Speaker 1: the most likes, be number one, be rich, not disappoint people,
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  Speaker 1: not disappoint your parents, constant supervised activities. And I think
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  Speaker 1: all of that ends up distracting kids from what's really important.
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  Speaker 1: And there's little time and energy left for getting to
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  Speaker 1: know yourself. for self-exploration, for reflection, things like contemplation. We've
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  Speaker 1: lost those words in our culture. Quiet time, self-awareness, knowing
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  Speaker 1: who you are. What are my interests? What do I like?
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  Speaker 1: What am I drawn to? What am I good at?
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  Speaker 1: What puts me in flow? We need to help them
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  Speaker 1: learn to increase their social emotional intelligence. I want your
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  Speaker 1: kids to have a range of experiences, to try different things,
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  Speaker 1: to take risks, to develop self-efficacy, learn how to take
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  Speaker 1: care of themselves, learn how to solve problems. I want
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  Speaker 1: them also to just have time to just be. Because
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  Speaker 1: when their lives are so busy and so congested and
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  Speaker 1: so forced, I think it ends up breeding a lot
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  Speaker 1: of discontent and restlessness, dissatisfaction, never enough, stressed out. Oh gosh,
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  Speaker 1: I see so many stressed out kids. Disconnected from themselves,
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  Speaker 1: It's that race to know where people talk about. I
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  Speaker 1: also think, unfortunately, they're mirroring the adults around them a lot.
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  Speaker 1: So I want you with your end in mind to
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  Speaker 1: decide if your goal as parents is to mold a
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  Speaker 1: top CEO or a professional athlete, or if your goal,
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  Speaker 1: your end in mind, is to help to raise a
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  Speaker 1: good kid, a good citizen. I heard about this mom
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  Speaker 1: who was a physician. One day she had her two
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  Speaker 1: little kids in the back seat driving them to preschool.
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  Speaker 1: And she saw her daughter pick up her stethoscope, which
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  Speaker 1: was laying in the back seat. And her daughter put
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  Speaker 1: it around her neck like a doctor would. And mom's thinking,
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  Speaker 1: oh gosh, maybe someday she's going to be a doctor.
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  Speaker 1: Until the little girl put the diaphragm to her mouth
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  Speaker 1: and said, welcome to McDonald's. Can I please take your order?
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  Speaker 1: That blew that mom's vision, right? I want our kids
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  Speaker 1: to play for play's sake, for the love of the game.
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  Speaker 1: for loving to be with their friends, being outside, having fun,
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  Speaker 1: the love of learning, being of service. I want our
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  Speaker 1: kids to learn to love exploring, having adventures, challenging themselves
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  Speaker 1: out in the real world, out in nature, to make
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  Speaker 1: decisions based upon what's right for them versus keeping up
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  Speaker 1: with the Joneses' kids. That's the thing. We tell this
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  Speaker 1: to parents a lot in our talks too. That back
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  Speaker 1: in the day, back in the 50s, we developed this
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  Speaker 1: phrase called keeping up with the Joneses. And what people
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  Speaker 1: meant by that phrase, keeping up the Joneses, was that
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  Speaker 1: back in the 50s, there was lots of new appliances
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  Speaker 1: and things coming into our homes. And so if you're
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  Speaker 1: sitting outside and you saw your neighbor come up with
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  Speaker 1: a brand new refrigerator, there was this pressure like, oh gosh,
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  Speaker 1: now we need to get a refrigerator too. You need
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  Speaker 1: to keep up with the Joneses. Today, a lot of
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  Speaker 1: people have a lot of things. Not everybody, but a
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  Speaker 1: lot of people do. And so it's less today about
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  Speaker 1: keeping up the Joneses as far as buying things. It's
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  Speaker 1: more about keeping up with the Joneses' children. Because you
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  Speaker 1: notice that the neighbor's kid has a professional coach. Or
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  Speaker 1: the neighbor's kid is going to a special soccer camp
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  Speaker 1: this summer. Or getting enrichment classes. And that's like, oh
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  Speaker 1: my gosh, my kid's going to get behind and then
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  Speaker 1: here we go. So I want you to make decisions
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  Speaker 1: based upon what's right for your child. To do the
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  Speaker 1: right thing because it's the right thing to do. Not
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  Speaker 1: because everybody else is doing it. Or because you feel
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  Speaker 1: pressured for your kids to keep up. I want you
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  Speaker 1: to let your kids be kids, to build their own
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  Speaker 1: story in their own way, in their own time, and
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  Speaker 1: to create their own unique mark on the world. I
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  Speaker 1: heard about this woman one time in high school who
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  Speaker 1: was approaching the end of her senior year in high school,
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  Speaker 1: and she wasn't sure what she wanted to do after
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  Speaker 1: high school. Her mom said, what do you want to do?
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  Speaker 1: Do you want to go to college? She said, well,
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  Speaker 1: I do, but what I really want to do is
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  Speaker 1: I want to learn about makeup. And so her mom said, well,
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  Speaker 1: let's check it out. So they looked at all the
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  Speaker 1: books and they couldn't find a college where they had
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  Speaker 1: a major in makeup. And so what they did was
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  Speaker 1: they started going to places and asking if they could
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  Speaker 1: create their own major. And this woman ended up going, oh,
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  Speaker 1: I think it was, I think it may have been
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  Speaker 1: Brown or somewhere in the East Coast. And they allowed
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  Speaker 1: her to create her own major, which involved things like photography,
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  Speaker 1: things about, things about the culture, all kinds of classes
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  Speaker 1: that she put together. And what she did was she
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  Speaker 1: ended up with her own major, which I thought was
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  Speaker 1: pretty cool. This woman then finished college with all those
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  Speaker 1: experiences behind her. And then at some point down the road,
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  Speaker 1: she created her own makeup company called Bobby Brown Cosmetics.
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  Speaker 1: Bobby Brown created her own major, created her own story
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  Speaker 1: in her own way. Please don't let your parenting be
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  Speaker 1: guided by fear. Fear about keeping up and all those
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  Speaker 1: kinds of things. Do your end in mind and let
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  Speaker 1: that be your guide. Let me close with a quick story.
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  Speaker 1: I heard one day that Walt Disney was walking around Disneyland,
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  Speaker 1: which he was wont to do. He was walking around
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  Speaker 1: the park before all the people would come. And all
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: the people who worked there were doing their jobs. And
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  Speaker 1: the rumor had gone around that when they were building
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  Speaker 1: the park, that the construction people, the architects, all that,
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  Speaker 1: they wanted to build the Sleeping Beauty's castle last because
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  Speaker 1: they could save money. And when Walt Disney heard about that,
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  Speaker 1: he quickly got them together. He said, absolutely not. I
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  Speaker 1: want the Sleeping Beauty's castle to be done first. Because
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  Speaker 1: I want it to create a vision for the rest
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  Speaker 1: of the park. And that the rest of the park's
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  Speaker 1: vision will be guided by that. That was the story.
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  Speaker 1: So Walt Disney was walking around the park one day.
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  Speaker 1: And this young man, a new employee, had heard the story.
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  Speaker 1: So he came up to Walt Disney and said, is
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  Speaker 1: that story true? And Walt Disney smiled and he turned
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  Speaker 1: the young man around. And he had him face the
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  Speaker 1: Sleeping Beauty's castle. He said, look up at the castle
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  Speaker 1: and tell me what you see. young man looked at
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  Speaker 1: the castle, thought for a moment, he said, imagination. And
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  Speaker 1: Walt Disney smiled, he said, now you tell me if
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  Speaker 1: you think the story is true. You start with your
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  Speaker 1: vision for what you want your parenting world to be about.
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  Speaker 1: And let that guide your decisions about all kinds of
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  Speaker 1: things like sports and activities and grades and pressure in college,
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  Speaker 1: all those things, let your end in mind guide that,
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  Speaker 1: not what everybody else is doing, and not your fears.
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  Speaker 1: I think if you do that, your parenting will be
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  Speaker 1: less stressed, your kids will be less stressed, and it'll
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  Speaker 1: be a lot more fun. Thank you so much for
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: stopping by. Check out my website, www.drtimjordan.com, for information about
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: all the things I do, my weekend retreats coming up,
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: summer camps, all those things, I've written seven books. Also,
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: by the way, I had a book that I revised
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: about a year ago called Keeping Your Family Grounded When
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: You're Flying by the Seat of Your Pants. And I
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: did an oral version of it. So now you can
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: listen to it. So if you go online, you can
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: find that oral version of Keeping Your Families Grounded When
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: You're Flying by the Seat of Your Pants. Thanks so
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: much for listening in. Thanks so much always for passing
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: these on to your friends, to other people. I really
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: appreciate that. I'll be back here in a week with
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: a brand new podcast. Until then, enjoy your parenting. Thanks
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: so much for stopping by.