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Healing From Shame and Trauma · Trauma Free Relationship

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Today we're going to talk about healing from shame and trauma.
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If you've ever felt broken, defective, or bad, then you're
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probably swimming in shame that stems from your trauma.
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By the end of this episode, you'll understand how shame
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shows up in your relationship, as well as some clear steps to
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take to recover from shame. Before we launch into the
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episode, though, I've got an ask, if you've been listening to
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this show for a while, would you please make sure you hit the
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follow button on whichever platform you're listening on?
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please make sure that you share it with others and write a
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review. Thanks so much.
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Welcome to Trauma Free relationship.
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I'm your host, Tom Phil, and I've been working for years with
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adults who struggle with relational and attachment trauma
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to regain trust in themselves and others so that they can
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experience a safe and secure relationship.
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Let's get started, OK? As I mentioned in the opening,
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today we're going to talk about shame, specifically shame that
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is or comes from our relational trauma, our attachment, or
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complex trauma. But before we dive into what
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shame looks like in your relationship, I think it's
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really important to tease out or tease apart the difference
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between shame and guilt because a lot of times what I find are
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people use them synonymously. They think guilt is shame, shame
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is guilt, or they're similar to one another and they're really
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not. Guilt is I did something bad.
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So if I've said something that's hurt my spouse, my partner, then
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I might feel guilt because I see that they're hurt and my guilt
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moves me to go and make a repair.
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It moves me to go say I'm sorry, to explain maybe why I said
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that. Not to excuse it, but maybe be
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able to flesh out more what I meant that actually came across
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so poorly and it it moves me to take accountability and
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responsibility for what I've said to try to mend and repair
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that relationship based on my behavior or my words.
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That's what guilt does. Guilt moves us to make repairs
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and I see that sometimes in relationships, I see where
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couples have said something or done something and then a
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partner will come back and they will make a repair.
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Hey, I'm sorry I said that. I'm sorry.
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I got angry. I shouldn't have.
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I got triggered by what you said and that's on me.
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That's not on you. And I'm, I apologize that that
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wasn't for you to deal with in that moment.
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I should have handled that better.
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I do see those occasions, but I think more often I see the
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occasions where repairs are not made because one or both
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partners are swimming in shame and shame is I am bad.
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Now notice the difference? I did something bad, I did
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something wrong versus I am bad or I am wrong as a person.
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And this is very different because oftentimes shame is what
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blocks us from reaching out and getting help, from reaching
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towards our partner to regulate ourselves better, to being able
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to go and make repairs or even take accountability for what was
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said or done. When we feel shame, it's not
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like we've feel like we've done something bad, but it is that we
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feel we are bad. Sort of our whole being is bad.
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And this absolutely can stem from trauma, 100% for sure.
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We could also just have pockets in our lives where we feel
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shame. We can look back and go, Oh my
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gosh, I can't believe I did that.
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I really let myself down. And so there is kind of a sort
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of pervasive toxic shame that that can permeate us in moments
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where there's not a redeeming part of us at all, but rather we
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are all bad. And then there's also just areas
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where, man, I really disappointed myself and let
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myself down in that moment. And we also can look back and
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sort of almost cringe at, at what we're seeing or, you know,
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how we behave or acted in those times.
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And, and we can feel shame about that period of our life, that
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season or that moment where we really let ourselves down.
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And so I, I just want to make it clear that there's a difference
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between guilt and shame. We're talking about core
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emotions here. And like any emotion, it is on
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a, a sliding scale, if you will. Shame can be all pervasive.
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It can be toxic. It it can feel like we're
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constantly never measuring up, we're constantly always falling
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short. There must be something wrong or
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defective. It can show up when a
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relationship ends and we see the same pattern has played out in
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this relationship that it did before.
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Those toxic feelings of I'm never good enough cause us to
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actually push people away. And then when we end up alone,
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on one hand we might verify and say, see, I knew it.
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People never stay. On the other hand, that
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defectiveness says I did it to myself again, I'm just bad.
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And so teasing those two apart, I think is really important for
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our discussion today as we move ahead.
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But let's also talk about how shame forms and relational
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trauma before we talk about what it looks like, how does it
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actually form? And sometimes it forms because
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it's impossible to meet the expectations of a parent in
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childhood. Or we come and we have an
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emotion and we actually get shamed for that emotion.
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We have a moment of weakness, and instead of somebody coming
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and comforting and soothing us, we're made fun of.
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We're teased, we're poked at, we're shamed for having that
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moment of weakness. We see this a lot in men.
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That might overcompensate for that.
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Whereas any type of weakness was actually shamed and made fun of.
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They were made to feel wrong and bad.
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And So what do they do? They grow up and they have a
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shell of this sort of Uber masculinity.
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And we're seeing this certainly in the United States here.
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We're seeing this with some online influencers where they've
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got this sort of, you know, toxic, what I would call toxic
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masculinity. And in some ways it is because
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they are hiding these, these feelings of being less than, of
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being bad, of being defective. I cannot not ever show weakness
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because if I do, then that makes me nothing.
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And so they create this outer shell of Uber masculinity.
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And so they're, they're learning to compensate for that.
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Caregivers who figured, you know, we're inconsistent,
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rejecting and emotionally unsafe can certainly create a sense of
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shame growing up in our early years or our adolescents.
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And what's most important is that this is a survival
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adaptation. Feeling shame or adapting to
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shame is a survival technique. And so sometimes it comes out as
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fawning or people pleasing or self blame.
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I see this in couples as well. So they might even use their
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shame and try to weaponize it in the middle of a rupture.
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The partners trying to point out, hey, I really needed this
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from you and I didn't feel like you were there for me.
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And then the other partner falls on the sword.
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I'm this horrible person. I can't believe you stay with a
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jerk like me. I don't deserve you.
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It's like, OK, they're they're feeling shame, but they're also
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weaponizing their shame. And they're using that actually
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to try to get their partner to lessen their criticism and to
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actually give them any kind of reassurance that they're still a
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good person because they are literally drowning in their
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shame in that moment. So a lot of times we can create
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and compensate for the shame we felt growing up for any kind of
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emotional weakness or dependency we may have had, or parents that
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were inconsistent, rejection, rejecting, or emotionally
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unsafe. And as a result, there are
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pockets or sometimes they're just a pervasive feeling that we
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are bad. All right, let's talk about what
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does shame look like in in your relationship?
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I've given you some examples already, but let's kind of click
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off a few more so you really begin to recognize what this
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looks like. And, and I will say that
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probably shame is a much bigger core emotion that I see in all
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my individuals and all my couples that I work with, that I
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help them heal their relational and attachment and complex
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trauma. What I see more is that at the
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heart of what they're wrestling with is a sense of shame, a part
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of them that feels so bad, so wrong, that they hide that part
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from even themselves. And I see this in couples for
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sure, because what prevents them a lot of times from having the
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tools that allow them to come back together and repair those
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ruptures is this sense of shame. And so shame can show up as
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hyper vigilant to other people's moods.
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We see this a lot in anxious attachment style.
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They are very hyper vigilant to any shift in another person's
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mood and feel responsible for adjusting to that instead of
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going wow my my partner was just in a really bad mood today, I'm
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going to just give them some space.
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Instead we we show up with this sort of wall of emotion about
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how can I fix this, how can I make this better for them?
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But we're so sensitive and hyper vigilant to a shift in their
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mood. It can certainly show up in
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constant internal self criticism.
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That inner critic that we've talked about before, and I deal
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with a lot of this in our coaching program for sure.
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Our three month program really highlights the inner critic that
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can show up in your life and just beat the crap out of you.
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When you feel like you've made a mistake, when that feeling of
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shame shows up, boy, that inner critic is right where it wants
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to be and it just starts packing on all the mistakes, all the
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failures, all the inadequacies that you've suffered in
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sometimes your life. Or at least in that situation,
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you're reflecting on feeling like a burden.
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Feeling too much or not enough certainly is part of that shame
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feeling. Feeling too much or not enough.
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Notice how that fits in the categories of anxious and
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avoidant attachment styles. I'm too much.
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I hear that a lot from a lot of anxiously attached individuals.
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I'm too much. I show up and I've got all these
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emotions and I know I'm too much for others.
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I'm not enough. No matter what I do, I'll never
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measure up. That fits right at the heart of
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the more avoidant style of attachment.
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And shame can be at the core of both of those.
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Re enacting old relational patterns as I've talked about
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before, whether it's anxious, avoidant or disorganized
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patterns. Looking back at the end of a
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relationship, realizing that will it must be me, I must be
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broken. And it really just, I hear that
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a lot when people will come to me that I'm broken, I need to be
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fixed. As if somehow I could just wave
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a magic wand over them. And it always just really pains
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me to hear that. But it also tells me exactly
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what they're struggling with this idea that they either feel
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this pervasive sense of Vadnais about themselves, or they've got
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an area, a pocket that they're really wrestling with in terms
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of being able to overcome their sense of shame and how that
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plays out in their relational patterns.
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And then finally, you know, how do we explain shame and our
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attachment trauma can actually reinforce each other, right?
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Our our attachment styles and our patterns, anxious avoid and
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disorganized can be self fulfilling prophecies that
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actually reinforce the shame that we feel in our
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relationships. So those are some of the ways
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that shame actually shows up. I want to mention real briefly
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too that it's shame is sort of a, a collapse state when we
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talked about how a nervous system has adapted to inadequate
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childhood experiences of of growing up and adequate
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parenting in adolescence or in our childhood.
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We only have certain number of options, right?
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As we've talked about before, we've got fight, flight, freeze
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or fawn and shame is definitely a type of freeze or could be
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fawning type of shutdown and self silencing.
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So it is where our nervous system actually dysregulates
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downward as opposed to up in a fight or flight fashion.
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It regulates downward. And so, you know, some of the
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triggers are the protective strategies around shame are like
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numbing. It could be perfectionism or
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even overachieving, constantly trying to ward off that feeling
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that we're not good enough. So on the outside, it might
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actually look anxious. It might look like perfectionism
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or overachieving or a very someone who's very highly
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structured because they're trying to get everything right.
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That can be a mask for shame. It can also very much look like
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freezing shut down or not speaking up.
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And This is why it's so important.
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And we're going to talk about this in just a moment.
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Why compassion and Co regulation are the antidotes to shame
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because of the two things that we're missing for us that we
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never quite got. Remember trauma, isn't it just
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about what happened to us? It's also about what didn't
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happen to us. And I think that's so important.
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I just want to repeat that again.
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It's so important because trauma stays in our nervous system.
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It's locked in our body, not in the verbal part of our brain,
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but in the non verbal, the emotive part of our brain, in
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our amygdala and down through our body.
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Not just because of what happened to us, but because of
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what didn't happen to us. Because we didn't have somebody
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come and sit with us in those painful moments and help us put
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those painful moments in perspective to help us Co
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regulate, to soothe us, comfort us and be emotionally available.
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When those things went missing in our childhood and our
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adolescence, or when those things go missing in a first
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marriage or maybe in our even current relationship we're in
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now, those can either create trauma or they can re traumatize
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us. And so I think it's just really
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important to to put that spotlight on trauma.
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It's not always what didn't happen or did happen.
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Excuse me. It's just as much about what
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didn't happen and how that say stuck in our body.
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All right, let's talk about next steps.
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Let's talk about the path out of shame.
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What does it mean for us to be able to try to heal this and to
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try to be able to work? Now, a few minutes ago I
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mentioned the antidote to this is compassion and Co regulation.
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One of the ways we do this is we need to start being able to name
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shame. We need to start being able to
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recognize, oh, I know what this is and this is something that I
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personally have struggled with in my life there.
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There were times where I did not get what I needed from my
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father. He was was a good man, don't get
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me wrong, but he was not emotionally available.
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He was not a soothing parent when I was in distress.
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And so often times I have struggled in my adult life with
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the idea of shame. It's not pervasive in me, but
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boy, do I have some pockets of shame and feeling like, Oh my
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gosh, I, I can't put myself out there because I'll be exposed
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for the fraud that I am. And that will actually trigger
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more of my shame. And so times in my life I've had
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really to figure out, how do I muster the courage here?
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How do I step out of my comfort zone?
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How do I put myself out there more and believe in myself more
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to make more of an impact in the ways I want to on this life and
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the people that I love and care about and not hide behind my
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shame. So bringing shame out of the
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dark by naming it is extremely important.
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Being able to map its origin, where did it come from?
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It took me a long time to be able to go back and be able to
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map and figure out, oh, I can see it wasn't just one moment,
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but I can see series of moments where I didn't quite get what I
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needed and that create a sense that I was bad or wrong.
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And so being able to identify the shame narrative is very
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important. And you can just do this through
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journaling or you can just do it through reflection.
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Just sitting down in a quiet space, thinking through a little
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bit, where does my, where's my feeling of shame come from?
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How does this show up for me and my life and my relationships?
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Because being able to talk about the origin story and where it
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comes from really helps us be able to understand and name it
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when we when it shows up in our life.
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I have gotten much better and by no means do I want you to think
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that I'm perfect, but I've gotten much better at being able
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to identify when my shame is showing up.
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When I have that feeling in my body when something happens or
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transpires between my wife and I or a colleague or even a client
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that may turn and attack me. I'm able better now to to
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recognize that and go, oh, I know what this is.
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Hang on Tom, breathe through this.
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You're OK in this moment. You can survive this attack.
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You can survive this feeling and hang on to it long enough
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because you know what you're experiencing right now.
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And then of course, the other thing is, is interrupting the
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inner critic. That is really important.
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We talked about compassion being the antidote.
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It is absolutely part of the antidote.
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And that is that we've got to have a compassionate inner voice
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that will tell that critic to shut the hell up.
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Because when we have that feeling of shame inside of us,
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whether it's pockets or pervasiveness or toxic or not,
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we've got to be able to recognize it and then come in
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with a more compassionate voice. Hey, it's OK.
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Everybody sometimes doesn't communicate very well.
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And this is one of those moments.
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You can go back and repair this. Hey, Tom, it's OK, You do
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measure up. Everybody makes mistakes.
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Look how you put yourself out there and you tried something
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different. Good for you.
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Good for you for trying something different.
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Now, next time you do it, you're going to get better at it.
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Next time you do it, you're going to improve.
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So keep at it. Don't quit.
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These types of compassionate voices are extremely important
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in being able to try to regulate that feeling of shame when it
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comes up for us. And I should say to shame is a
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core emotion. It, it is also buried deep down.
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So it it's not always recognized that what we're really feeling
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is shame. As I mentioned before, there's
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all kinds of ways where it might look different in our
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relationships. It might show up in self
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criticism or feelings of not good enough or in old patterns.
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It might look like being hyper vigilant to people's moods or
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shutting down and not speaking up very much.
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I, I work a lot with those individuals who fall into more
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of the avoidance style of attachment.
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And a lot of times at the heart of it is this sense of shame.
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And, and it may be, it may be showing up in the current
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relationship, but it's something that usually we can trace that
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storyline back. And it's something that they
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really struggled with growing up in their family of origin or in
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their adolescence somewhere where they had a season of their
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life that was just horribly, horribly bad.
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And maybe they thought about ending at all or something like
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that. They they move past that, they
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got stronger. But sometimes those pockets can
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be triggered in US. And so shame is one of these
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deep down emotions that we often don't acknowledge and name it
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because we don't think of it that way.
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So being able to trace its origin, being able to name it
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when it comes up and being able to have a more compassionate
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voice to counter the inner critic is indispensable in being
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able to heal ourselves from some of the shame that that blocks
23:13
our capacity to create secure relationships.
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Some other things you can do and, and that I mentioned
23:20
earlier, Co regulation, being able to reach out to somebody
23:26
else and get encouragement from them, get soothing and comfort
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from them. If our partner can't do that for
23:33
us in certain moments, then we need to have other people that
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can, even if they're imagined people from the past.
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Meaning that one of the things we can do to help ground
23:44
ourselves is to conjure up an image of a grandparent, a former
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friend. Whether it's somebody you've
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spoken to recently or not, who in your life do you know that
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has always been there for you? Who in your life do you know
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that in a heartbeat? If you said I'm not doing well,
24:05
I need some help, wouldn't in an instant show up on your doorstep
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or a phone call or a FaceTime or a text message or whatever it
24:13
is? They would reach out to you in a
24:15
heartbeat in order to be there for you.
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These are the kinds of images that we need to be able to
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conjure up in moments where we're feeling our shame.
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So that is part of Co regulation.
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If we can't do it in real time in real life, then we need to be
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able to do it in our imagination with past figures in our life
24:37
that we know have been there many, many, many times.
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When I'm working with couples and individuals around their
24:45
relational trauma, especially in our coaching program, we have to
24:50
be able to bring alive a grandparent.
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Usually Thank God for grandparents.
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There's usually seems like always a grandparent, right?
24:58
My mom and dad were drug addicts.
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It was chaos in our house. They split when I was young.
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They they ended up marrying two or three different times, you
25:07
know, with other people. I was being thrown back and
25:11
forth between households. It was just chaotic.
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But the one reprieve I have was my grandma Nana or my grandpa,
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you know, we called him Bud or whatever, or Papa, you know, a
25:25
grandparent that was a safe space, A grandparent that was
25:30
calm from the chaos that their eyes lit up when they saw me.
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They would always grab me, hold me.
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We would go for ice cream, we go for walks in the park.
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They just delighted in me and made me feel so special.
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These are the kinds of relationships that we cannot
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forget. When we are healing our shame
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and healing our trauma, it is absolutely critical that we are
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able to conjure up those memories inside of us.
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So part of that is the Co regulation.
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And then finally, let me just say that being able to rewrite
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our core beliefs is really important as well.
26:09
Going from I'm unworthy to I'm worthy is extremely important.
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Now that's a process. It doesn't happen overnight, but
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being able to put into practice these different things that I've
26:21
just talked about, that is part of how we change that core
26:25
belief, that shame based belief of I will never measure up, I'm
26:30
unworthy, I'm not good enough, I'm too much for others.
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We have to work towards those core beliefs to where we can say
26:40
to ourselves, yes, maybe sometimes I'm too much, but a
26:44
lot of times I'm not. Sometimes I'm just what other
26:47
people need. Sometimes my emotion showing up
26:51
and being available and empathic towards others is exactly what
26:55
they need in the world and exactly what they need from me.
26:59
And so being able to move that needle from I'm unworthy, the
27:03
shame based beliefs to more of the wholeness beliefs of I am
27:09
worthy, I do measure up. I can get it right.
27:13
I am enough for my partner. Those are extremely important as
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well. And if we practice some of these
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others, but when we start to go into our shame, then that really
27:25
can help us over time be able to change some of those core
27:30
beliefs. Thank you so much for listening.
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As always, I really appreciate my names, Tom Phillip, and I am
27:37
here to remind you to stay grounded, clear and connected.