Latest / ShameOver - The Drink Less Podcast / From Bartending to Sobriety: Inside the Drinking Culture of Hospitality
Transcript
- Erica And ShameOver: ⁓ such a good conversation already, right? So in part two, Jessica and I will go even deeper into the mindset side of all of this, including why labels around drinking can sometimes do more harm than good. Also, how identity can play a huge role in the behavior change and why your relationship with alcohol is often really a reflection of your relationship with yourself. So make sure you come back for part two. And if this episode resonated with you, Hello and welcome back today we are kicking off ⁓ part one of a really powerful conversation ⁓ with Jessica Tanner. Jessica is an integration guide with a in hospitality, wellness, sobriety support. ⁓ And in this episode, we're diving into what it looked like her ⁓ to go from working behind some of the busiest bars and ⁓ in New York and Miami to realizing alcohol is no longer with the life that she actually wanted. Hello and welcome back to Shame Over the Drink Less podcast. I am here with Jessica Tanner and I am so excited for this conversation. So Jessica, I will just pass it on to you. How are you? Thanks for being here. Jessica Tanir: Thanks for having me. I'm doing well today. Erica And ShameOver: Yeah, good. So tell us about who you are, what you do. Jessica Tanir: I am an integration guide. So essentially I help people integrate mindsets, habits, rituals that are going to ultimately bring them back to themselves. A lot of my work has been rooted in sobriety because that's been big part of my journey. And I spent over 10 years working behind the bar in hospitality. And then also I found myself exploring a little bit of the plant medicine world as well. So I use a little bit of touch of that in my practice as well. Erica And ShameOver: Please share it with a friend, send it to someone who needs to hear it, and of course be sure to subscribe or follow the podcast so you don't miss what's next. I'll see you in the next one. So if you have ever felt like drinking was just part of the culture, part of the job, part of the social scene, or just what everyone around you did, this conversation is going to give you a lot to think about. Let's get into it. Amazing. So are you virtual in person, mix and match? What does that look like? Jessica Tanir: I do a little of both. So I can virtually work with someone. I actually just started offering these like virtual sound healing sessions, but then I also have in-person events as well here in Miami. That's where I'm based out of for now though, cause I'm actually going to be moving to St. Pete, which is about three, four hours north of Miami, more on like the west golf side of Florida. The end of June. Erica And ShameOver: Hmm. That's exciting. when's that taking place? Okay. Jessica Tanir: And I'm really excited because I visited there last June and my partner and I fell in love. It was just very different vibe than Miami. It felt like more genuine. There was a lot of small businesses. It seems like there's a little bit more community that I would connect with there. Erica And ShameOver: Seems a little bit more relaxed, I would say. Yes. Jessica Tanir: Yes, exactly. Like the Miami scene, I've been here for five years. I moved in 2020. I was living in New York City before. And so I feel like it was like a nice transition from New York, but now we're ready for something a little bit more relaxed, like you said. Erica And ShameOver: Yes, very much so. ⁓ that's awesome. talk about like the restaurant hospitality scene that you were in. I frequent a lot of those, especially, you know, in my drinking days. And so I can't imagine what it was like on the other side. Jessica Tanir: It was a wild time. Like I worked in New York for seven years and then I worked in Miami. Yes, the bars, restaurants, and I worked at some of the busiest places too there. Some of the more like high profile, I want to say. Like I worked at Catch, is like this kind of sceny restaurant bar place in the, ⁓ think it's in Chelsea. And you'd always see like celebrities there and stuff like that. I worked at a bunch of different nightclubs there. Erica And ShameOver: which is known for like the bars and you know, that scene. Yeah. Jessica Tanir: And then moving to Miami, I somehow ended up at the busiest restaurant down here too called Komodo. And during COVID, it was insane how many covers we would do. I think maybe like a Friday, Saturday night, we would see like 1600 people walk through the door. And like, that's just people who are sitting at tables. That's not even just the people who are at the bar seats. And it was like the busiest place I had ever worked. Erica And ShameOver: ⁓ my god. Jessica Tanir: it was just insane, especially during COVID, very interesting to see that we have people going out and like still drinking, very stark difference than how it was in New York City, because everything closed there. ⁓ Erica And ShameOver: Yeah. Sure, very different, yes. So what kind of led you onto this sobriety path? Was it while you were working in the industry? Was it afterward? Jessica Tanir: It's interesting because when I moved from New York to Miami, I kind of had made a commitment that my life was going to be different here in New York. I fell into going out a lot, drinking a lot. It's really baked into the industry itself. if you bartender work in restaurants, it's so normal for you to go out and drink after your shift. Like it was just, I feel like I learned that when I was like 19 serving at this place in Virginia where I'm from. Like you made all your money and then you kind of go out and spend it and like drink. So then when I moved here to Miami, I was like, okay, I wanna have a different experience. And so I tried to really separate myself when I was still working in restaurants. I was like, okay, I'm gonna go to work and then I'm gonna go home. And in that time, I was also studying to become a health coach. And so my life started to revolve more about Erica And ShameOver: Totally, yeah. Jessica Tanir: Health and wellness, it kind of did in New York too, but now it was having more of an impact of, I was just having more of a commitment to it. I was teaching yoga a little bit. I was studying to be this health coach. ⁓ started doing some wellness events with a friend. And so the more I started to lean into all of that, it just felt like I was leading this double life. Cause I would like go and serve alcohol and I swear I'm like a different person behind the bar. ⁓ Erica And ShameOver: ⁓ I'm sure, yeah. Jessica Tanir: I almost want to like apologize to some people who've maybe met me behind the bar because I was like very different than how I am in everyday life. And I think you need to because you're just you're dealing with so many different personalities. People are under the influence. There's just a lot going on. So I think you kind of have to put on this mask when you are going to work that kind of job. And also you're in customer service and then the customers are intoxicated on top of that. So Erica And ShameOver: Really? Yeah. Jessica Tanir: It just started to feel like I was like, okay, this is not where I belong. Like it became more and more evident. And then I'd say like halfway through my time here in Miami, I was still kind of falling into old habits with drinking because I got so, actually I should back up and preface a little. My time in New York too, I was dating a lot of people who had addictions to alcohol and drugs. And so, ⁓ being with those types of partners mixed with working in hospitality, my idea of what was normal for drinking was not normal. I discovered later, I'm like, ⁓ you're not supposed to black out every time you drink, huh? I'd like go out with like other friends that like didn't work in hospitality and they would not be blacking out like that or like not drinking to the extent I was. But I carried some of those bad habits with me to Miami, I should say. And so I'd still have those moments where I was like, not cutting myself off or not even realizing it, overindulging. And then there'd be moments too, where I'd like have an event the next day. Like this whole event I planned out with a friend and then I would drink the night before and totally sabotage myself. And I would wake up feeling like crap to host this event that's about wellness and like connecting with yourself. And I'm like, what the heck? So in December, Actually, sorry, January of 2023, I decided to take off the first three months sober. Like, let me just give this a shot. I had like kind of like a bad, wouldn't say like bad episode, but like I went to this like music, this all day music festival and I totally overindulged in a way that was like, I fell asleep on the beach. I didn't really like remember. ⁓ I kind of like woke up, had to hop in this Uber to go home and like felt so bad the next day. And I think for me, that was kind of like a wake up call, like, okay, I need to take a break. Even these few times I'm drinking, clearly I don't know my limits. So then I took the first three months off of 2023. then I still had a few weddings and things here and there, ⁓ then I still found myself like not being able to ⁓ myself when I start drinking. And so then ⁓ January, 2024, my partner and I were like, let's just try to go sober for the year. And so like we went the year together and then last year rolled around and we just didn't have a desire to drink. And so now it's been over two years. And it's kind of crazy when I think about it, I'm like, it's wild. Cause my whole life for so long was based around alcohol, drinking it or drinks with it, ⁓ it. And so it feels very good that I'm like, my life's taken such a 180 since then. Erica And ShameOver: Absolutely. you kind of, ⁓ least the first go, was it kind of like a dry January thing? Like we'll start with dry January and then just go for two more months after that or? Jessica Tanir: Yeah, I kind of took it because I think if you tell yourself, ⁓ I'm going to go three months, that's like a huge, especially if you're someone who is already drinking a lot or even like drinking like a few times a month, that still feels like a huge challenge for you. So I think you do have to take it like maybe two weeks to a month and you just kind of keep hitting those milestones. And then once you've gone the month, you're like, OK, it's kind of like you have to keep telling yourself, I'm just going to keep going for like another week or like another month. And then over time, you Erica And ShameOver: Absolutely. Jessica Tanir: get to three months, six months, however long it is that you end up wanting to like take that break. And it feels easier because you're like not putting all that pressure of like, you have to take off three months or six months or a year. It's like these like micro little baby goals that you're meeting first and then it feels easier. Erica And ShameOver: Exactly. could not agree more because I think so many people approach it in such an overwhelming way that then it does become like I failed because I didn't make it that whole time and then regardless of you know, that was a weekend or two months and whatever but then when they do start drinking again, it's like gung-ho because it was the I can't have it. can't have it mentality that it you know, it just it messes up the mindset so much and Jessica Tanir: some white. Erica And ShameOver: Sounds like you work a lot on mindset. So how has that. Jessica Tanir: Mm-hmm exactly well Yeah, I was gonna see like that mentality is like you're like setting yourself up for failure And it's almost like when you go on a diet, and you're like I'm not eating any sugar I'm not eating this or that but then soon as you have that moment where you allow yourself to have the thing that you've been Resisting the whole time. It's like you go crazy Erica And ShameOver: Yes, exactly. And that, mean, it's how our brains work. Like that's actually our brains doing their job for like how they're supposed to function, you know? So it's not a willpower thing. It really comes down to mindset and having healthier mindsets around like all things. So alcohol, food, social media, like everything. Jessica Tanir: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I know literally everything now, so... Erica And ShameOver: Yeah. ⁓ absolutely. so you guys did it together or you guys, guess have been doing this together. Now you're on, you said two years. Jessica Tanir: Mm-hmm. Yeah, I two years and two months since we just ended February. I know. And I'm more proud of my partner because he works in nightlife. He's a DJ. And like the fact that he has stayed sober this long is so impressive to me because he's around like he's still around it. Like I quit over it'll be two years ago this June. And I'm like, I'm at least not around it anymore. Like ⁓ a job every in my day to day, but he is so it's been impressive to watch him. Erica And ShameOver: ⁓ wow. Jessica Tanir: maintain his sobriety. Erica And ShameOver: Has it been challenging for him? I'm sure like moments here and there, or has it been a lot easier than I guess you probably both would have expected. Jessica Tanir: Yeah, I think it's I think it's both, because I think too, when you do get sober and then you see other people out, you're kind of like, I'm glad I'm not drinking, because you might know how they're going to feel the next day. But then also he'll have moments, like if he's DJing and he has friends come, vice versa, or if he even goes out sometimes. like, I do miss having dirty martinis. And I'm like, yeah, me too sometimes. ⁓ Erica And ShameOver: Mm, yeah. Yeah, no, absolutely. I love that just from hearing you talk, it's you can tell it's not your identity. And that is one thing that I mean, I for those who are newer to me or, who don't know me at all, like I do still drink very, very moderately, very seldomly. But even if I never drink again, I personally would never call myself sober because as soon as I do, I know that's going to make me think about it all the time. Jessica Tanir: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Erica And ShameOver: and wanted that much more and everything. again, back to like the mindset piece of it. But ⁓ I've definitely found with people who are sober is ⁓ that their entire identity. And I'm like, nothing should your entire identity. Like, not even like being a mom or being, you know, this professional, nothing should be your entire identity, but especially not being sober. Just like being an alcoholic should not be your identity, right? Jessica Tanir: Mm-hmm. Thank you. Thank Erica And ShameOver: And that's one thing that I've definitely found that I feel like can be so detrimental because then it's they have a drink or they have a ⁓ and it's like, ⁓ my God, who am I? Like, I just ruined everything. It's like, no, you didn't. You ⁓ a sip. You're fine. Jessica Tanir: Mm-hmm. Exactly. No, I totally agree with you because it's yeah, then what happens if you do have that drink and then you're like you have this whole like identity crisis of like, wait a second, but I was the sober person. And it's funny that you bring that up because like I thought that too. And I've shared that in my content a lot where I'm like, I don't know if I'm going to have another drink again. I'm just this is what works for me right now. And like, being sober has served me in the last few years. But like, I'm not going to say I'm never going to have another drink because I don't know. I like we change so Erica And ShameOver: Yes. Jessica Tanir: much. It's crazy. Like when I think of like even like the beginning of the year, I'm like, okay, we're only in like the beginning of March. I already feel like a different person from like two months ago. So and I can feel like how there are certain things that I'm gravitating towards now just like maybe even like six months ago, right? So it's interesting when people want to put those labels on themselves. Erica And ShameOver: That's exactly it. And that's why when I talk to people, like I can tell very quickly what I feel like the likelihood of success is going to be with certain things based on that exactly is if you define it as like, this is what I am, this is what I'm going to be forever. It's like, of us are going to be anything forever. Like don't put that much ⁓ on it or on yourself. Like it doesn't need it. And I love that you're like, you even have the awareness. Like I'm different than I was two months ago. Cause Jessica Tanir: Mm-hmm. Erica And ShameOver: we're humans, we change, we evolve. Like that's why we're here is to adapt and discover new things about ourselves. I've worked with a lot of people that basically coming out of AA that they're like, I don't know if I want to start drinking again, but I know that that approach like did not work and I want to at least experience different things. But I, you know, it really, I think is the whole identity thing that it's like, I want to be more than just focus on one thing. Jessica Tanir: This is it. Mm-hmm. which I think is like, it's kind of like a symptom of our society. We're like told that we need to fit in these certain boxes and have these certain identities. And I think ultimately they hinder us from figuring out who we really are because when you, think take the time to really connect to self and do that practices, rituals, whatever it is that start to make you understand who you are and really. Erica And ShameOver: Hmm. Jessica Tanir: listen to your own voice, you realize that like all of those things, but you're also none of those things. You know what I mean? Like, cause it's just like, you're just yourself and like, yes, you can take, put on these different hats, right? But it's not ultimately like you're to wear that hat your whole life. Like you're saying. Erica And ShameOver: Exact mess! Mm-hmm. Yes, exactly. And I mean, I even talk about alcohol being an accessory. Like I don't wear accessories every day. Like most outfits are totally great without them, you know, but it's like, alcohol can be an accessory. It's a nice to have. It can dress things up or whatever. But besides that, like too many accessories ruin everything, you know? So like, yes, exactly. So it sounds like this is like a lot of like, kind of the, I'm assuming the health coach that you're Jessica Tanir: Mm-hmm. Yeah, you're just like too much going on here. Erica And ShameOver: I guess talk to me a lot about the health coaching that you do and what kind of attracted you to getting into that field anyway. Jessica Tanir: I can't even remember. I think like I kept getting these, because I got my certification at IIN, the Institute of Integrative Nutrition. And I had another friend who had done the program. And then it was funny because when I went through the program, a lot of what they taught us, I was like, ⁓ I already do like most of the stuff. So it felt very aligned. And then I did take on specific health coaching clients right away, but it was very right from the very beginning. It was funny because Erica And ShameOver: Okay. Jessica Tanir: I didn't end up working on like their health maybe in a sense of like what they were eating or exercise, things like that. I mean, we would touch on those things, but more so it was, it always came down to mindset and like relationship to self and like, were they making time to prioritize connecting to self and whatever that looked like. If that was like taking two minutes after, cause I had like one client where they worked from home and they had a hard time like making that transition or setting those boundaries with like, okay, works over. Now I have the time for myself. And so we would like create some sort of like ritual or routine or something that like, okay, when work's done, you're going to do these things to then transition into the next part of your day. Yeah. So ultimately it's always just been, yeah, mindset with my clients. And then over the years, I feel like I've dabbled in so many different modalities that then have helped inform me of how I can then serve my clients more and like other things that I find helpful to integrate that I hope that maybe they would also find helpful.