Latest / Real Money with Lisa Chastain / The #1 Thing Holding Women Back from Financial Independence | REAL MONEY

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The #1 Thing Holding Women Back from Financial Independence | REAL MONEY · Real Money with Lisa Chastain

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They went down into some dark, deep stuff and worked through
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some stuff and they witnessed each other.
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So a a level of trust is built, a level of compassion and
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celebrating each other along the way.
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It's it's a beautiful journey to watch unfold because sisterhood,
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it's so vital. What's different about us and
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the community that we're building is that the women in
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the room, we're oscillating energetically forward together,
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We're cheering each other on. We're like, you fucking rock
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that. Absolutely.
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You're amazing. And I'm attracting more and more
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women like that in in my my life.
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Hey, I'm Lisa. This is real money.
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Forget the spreadsheets for a minute.
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Money is emotional 1st. And that's where real change
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begins. Today we're talking about the
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emotions of money. We're in a new studio testing it
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out for the first time. Hey, girl.
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Hey. Girl.
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This is my dear friend and sister, Melissa Blinn.
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And Melissa, your last episode from last year, maybe 2 year.
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It was actually two years ago, I think that we did.
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It was. It was October of last year.
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Actually, it was. Literally a year ago.
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Your episode is one of our most listened to and shared episodes.
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It is. Yeah, it is.
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It's that powerful. The work that we're doing is
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that powerful. We've got a great episode in
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store for you. Melissa's here live with me in
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my new studio. Yes, High 5.
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And we're, we're going to talk about emotions and money today.
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We have some great events and collaborations that we've been
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doing. Our whole vision is to give
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women permission to feel, give women permission to enjoy their
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bodies. And what we realized, it really
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clicked for me in our last retreat that it's about
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expanding our capacity and that when we give women permission to
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expand their capacity. And you and I have been doing
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this on our own, in our own way and doing our own work.
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We thrive, we allow more, we hold on to more.
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We attract the love, we attract the money, we attract everything
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that it is that we want in our lives.
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So we're here to talk to you specifically about why that's so
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important. So buckle up.
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You ready to get started? Let's jump in.
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OK, so we've got some segments for you this this episode 1.
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We're going to talk about the female paradigm when it comes to
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money and how we need to break out of the male paradigm of
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money. The second thing we're going to
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talk about is the nervous system, Our nervous system as it
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relates to attracting wealth and becoming wealthy.
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The next thing we're going to talk about is vulnerability as
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our superpower. Bernie Brown talks about that,
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but what does that really mean and how do we embody
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vulnerability then breaking generational patterns.
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This is huge work that we're all doing those women today.
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So we're going to talk about that.
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There's so many things in this episode for you here, and it's
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built in segments so you can come back and forth into these
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different segments. And we want you to do that and
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we want you to. I want you to think about right
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now a woman in your life, a sister, a friend, your mom,
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whoever it is, I want you to think about that person right
2:58
now. And then I want you to share
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this episode with them. I want you to consider listening
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to this episode with them pausing it where you need to
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pause it, so then you can reflect and have intentional
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conversation together. Because it's in the sisterhood
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and in the community of life. Absolutely.
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That we heal, 1000. Percent.
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And we have some incredible women in our world.
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They listen to my podcast episode and then they send it
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out to everybody. You have to listen to us.
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And Sherry's caring, especially when it comes to this topic,
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Women and money, because money is so triggering.
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It's so triggering. So Melissa's amazing.
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She's we're going to, you know, you can go back and rewatch the
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last episode that we had together.
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You can learn all about her, her informations in the show notes.
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And so let's just get to it. Let's drive them.
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All right, we just are on the heels of Take the Lead, which
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was a powerful day, full day yesterday.
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You brought so much to that. That is the the first time
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anyone it from the Take Lead experience has experienced you
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and they were all like wow. I can be a little much in all
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the right ways. Yeah, I just, I think you're
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exactly you're that wake up call.
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Yeah. For me, bringing the Take the
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Lead essence talking about money is that it's time for us to do
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things differently when it comes to money.
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What are what are your takeaways from the events and why is that
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so important? Well, I think one of the
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beautiful things about Take the Lead is one thing is, is we had
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a wide variety of demographic in the room age, right?
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Women as young as in their 20s and women all the way up until
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their late 50s and 60s. So I think one of the beautiful
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thing is, is that it was a wide variety of of different
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demographics and different age groups in the room.
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And what I loved about that is that, you know, we had, you
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know, elders speaking, wise women speaking.
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And, you know, we had obviously, I believe her name was Camilla.
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Camilla, who, you know, was one of our last speakers who
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stripped down into her underwear and bra and talked a lot about
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vulnerability. I think it was beautiful because
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not only was the room a very wide variety, so were the
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speakers. And I think whether you were 25
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or whether you were 65 in that room, I believe that it was
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powerful because each speaker resonated with each demographic
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that was in that room. And that was really powerful, I
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think for me seeing that because it was relatable for a lot of
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women that were there. For all women, women of all
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backgrounds, women of all cultures, women of all financial
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statuses, bringing them together.
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And your message yesterday, which is exactly what this
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episode is about, is that the world that we want to live in
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and the world that we're designing doesn't exist in our
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heads. It doesn't exist in the logical
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way. And when I say money is
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emotional before mathematical, it's triggering a lot of guys in
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the world. I'm getting messages on
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LinkedIn, and guys are feeling really challenged by that
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because they're like, what do you mean it can't be emotional?
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You can't make emotional decisions with money.
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And I'm saying there's no way not to.
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Exactly. There's no way not to, and the
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feminine way of doing things fill us in.
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What are the feminine ways of doing things?
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Well, you know, I talked, we've talked about this on many
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podcasts we've done, I think this is our third now.
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But you know, feminine qualities, mature feminine
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qualities is we are, we have a 6th sense.
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We have this intuition, have a capacity to be the nurturer, the
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capacity to be the giver, the caretaker.
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We love, we nurture, we care. And when it comes to money, and
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particularly for women, it is emotional decision.
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You know, some women that's, you know, this like, and you've done
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a really good job of debunking shame around like, you know,
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whether if women are shopping for filling that emotional gap.
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I mean, in my 20s, I was driving cars I shouldn't have been
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driving and buying clothes that I was didn't financially have
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the money to. And it was because on the
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outside I was trying to portray somebody that I wasn't because
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on the inside I was dying. And so for women, we are very
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deeply, deeply felt sense. And when we're disconnected from
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that, we can make choices and decisions out of survival, our
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logic thinking survival, and it can actually disconnect us even
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more from our authentic selves, our hearts.
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And so it's definitely deeply connected.
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And for women who are really empowered, and we talked a
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little bit about this yesterday, is that when we are in touch
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with ourselves, not our logic thinking, and we're connected
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and we're aligned with our values, what is important, What
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is my vision for my life? What do I want for my life?
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And what's ultimately important? We can make so much more
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aligned, informed decisions from that when we're really clear on
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that and we feel confident in that.
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Can't we say that men benefit from the same work 1000%?
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Here's what I think when it comes to more of the same and
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that we can't afford to have more of the same, is that we
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have a whole lot of men walking around with dysregulated nervous
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systems. Calling it logical, but what it
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really is is egotistical. Yeah, absolutely.
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And massive egos connected to money.
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And that we have to work with money from that place.
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Unhealed statistical. More is better.
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Yep, bigger is better. Yep, it's hurting all of us.
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1000% I'm very fortunate and we we have a very large network of
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friends that share Rhiannon from Steelhead, owner of Steelhead,
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this company here in Las Vegas. I've known her for a good 15
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years now. And I was telling my fiance last
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night, what I love about her is that she's very humble and she's
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very generous. And I love that about her.
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And not to negate men or to talk down about men, but when we talk
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about a lot of men, there's kind of what I talked about earlier
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is, is men use money for power. If I have, you know, all these
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material things or I'm flashy and I'm very presentable and
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I'm, you know, buying a new Rolex a month or whatever,
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right? A lot of that is from their ego
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attempting to live up to a false identity to get like loved and
9:10
attention. When I think of old paradigm
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masculinity when it comes to money is the 50 year old man
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driving a Corvette with the top down positioning himself and
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Jimmy and I watch a lot of nature shows and it's kind of
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like that bird that's doing everything it can do to get the
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woman let's. Lick our feathers.
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The world has changed so much and women, we, it's not our
9:34
fault. And if you look back 7
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generations, 7 generations of women and decisions for so long,
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up until not even 100 years ago, women couldn't do anything with
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money but spend it. We couldn't invest, we couldn't
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buy businesses and and grow. And women still, there's such a
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big disparity financially with what women own and what men own
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is we have to create a new identity as women, which is more
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than just spending money, which is more than just budgeting,
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which is more than just taking care of the kids.
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It is this mature woman who doesn't need all that song and
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dance. And guys are like, I don't know
10:11
what to do here because that worked 50 years ago.
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Totally. I used to buy the car and have
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the Rolex and the nice clothes and women.
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We still want some of those things.
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True story here. I want a guy who has this shit
10:22
together that's very attractive that my husband is.
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That's not what's getting the woman and keeping the woman
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anymore. It's more than just that
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superficial set. That's right.
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Security means something totally different today than it did 100
10:37
years ago. Very different.
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Very. For women and security was
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interchanged with the word control.
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Yes, and it still is. Yes, for so many women and men.
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Yeah, that was a big part of why I was in a relate in most I was.
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I mean, we've talked about this on past podcasts.
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I mean, I witnessed so much control in my family dynamic
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between my mom and my stepdad with money.
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And I remember even after I got married very young, 18, divorced
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at 20. And I remember my ex-husband
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looking at me and he was like, you will never amount to
11:10
anything. I paid for everything.
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Now, granted, I worked, I contributed to the household,
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but I remember when I got divorced, I had this innate like
11:19
fuck you inside and I hypermasculated up and I was
11:22
like, I don't need a man. And then I went out and bought
11:26
my first house at 21 all by myself.
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And I remember like I was just I would not let men come close to
11:32
me. I was, I was hustling and
11:35
working and I was like, I had this like I have to prove kind
11:38
of mentality for all that, that reason of control.
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And even still to this day, it's a visceral reaction for me, even
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in my body, if that is ever presented to me, from which I'm
11:53
very fortunate. My partner's not like that.
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And we have many conversations about money because thanks to
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you and the work that you have and I've done, I'm like, oh,
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we're talking about it. We're talking about it because
12:04
it's like we're equal and I got to stay at the table and I'm
12:08
contributing and I have every right to say and I plan on it.
12:13
Yeah, and, and I know, I know your man is private, so I'm not
12:16
going to spill the beans on all the things, but that was
12:18
challenging for him. And.
12:19
Oh, yeah. Because he wasn't used to a
12:22
woman being like that with him. No.
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And I think that that's what we're seeing in divorce rates
12:28
right now is women are standing up and stepping into our power,
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and then we don't need the guy financially.
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Exactly. And we're going.
12:34
Wait a minute. You suck and I don't like you.
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Yeah. I don't like the way that you
12:39
treat me. I don't have to deal with this
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anymore. Exactly.
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And I've been dealing with it again generations.
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I've been putting up with this shit.
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My mom's been putting up with this shit.
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My grandma had to put up with this shit.
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No. Yeah, no.
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And I do believe that that's one of the reasons that we're seeing
12:54
divorce rates so dramatic right now is women are going fuck this
12:58
shit. I don't want to be treated like
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this anymore, and I don't have to be.
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Exactly. Exactly.
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So back to this, the earlier segment on No More of the same.
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This is all happening real time for all of us.
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Yes, yes, Gen. Z is in a different conversation
13:14
about it, but millennial and older millennial and Gen.
13:18
X is like, yeah, we're changing things.
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Absolutely. We're changing things.
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Well, and even not to interrupt you, but even in a conversation
13:25
yesterday, like one of the things when you put a statistic,
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I think it was what 3% of women own like.
13:32
There's only 3% of women are recipients of that venture
13:35
capitalism. Sorry, Venture Venture Capital.
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That's wild to me. It's like wild to me.
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I went last night after the after the take the lead and I,
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and I was at dinner with my, my partner.
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I was talking about it and I was sharing when he's like, what is
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that vision for you? Like what is that bigger vision
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for your life? And the biggest thing that came
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out was I want to be so financially educated and secure
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that when I'm older, I have the financial means to be taken care
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of if something happens to me. Yeah, because I love my partner.
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And I'm sure he would do anything to care for me, but
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that's not his fucking job. He will.
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But I also need to be very responsible.
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And This is why I love what we do because it's like we talked
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about our retreats. It's like, ladies, yes, great.
14:26
Having a great guy and a great partner, do you have a
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responsibility? Yeah, absolutely.
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Even in same sex partnerships this applies, yes, but because
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of our patterning, we're going to talk about generational
14:38
patterns later in the show. But because of our patterning,
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women even in same sex marriages are one's relying or looking to
14:45
the other to take care of her or financially.
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I see this happen all the time. One of them is doing the work of
14:53
taking on that masculine role and I see it in same sex
14:56
marriages with men or relationships with men.
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So this doesn't just apply to the masculine feminine.
15:02
This is a across the board. How did we become who we became
15:06
exactly in relationship as it relates to money?
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And then also to your point, why is it now some why is it someone
15:14
else's job to take care of you? And this conversation has been
15:18
blown wide open with the assassination of Charlie Kirk
15:22
huge and the and the point of view and the beliefs of him
15:25
about women relying on men for financial security.
15:29
And and I know that my conversation, our conversation
15:33
with money is interruptive of some very traditional value.
15:36
That's right. And to your point, that's
15:38
exactly what we need to be talking about exactly.
15:40
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, let's just be real color
15:43
outside the box. That's where you grow.
15:45
There you go. And I've seen just so many
15:50
examples and so many stories of women who have said, yeah, I've
15:53
been in an abusive relationship. I've been financially abused.
15:57
There is a such thing as financial abuse, by the way.
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Absolutely doesn't have to be physical.
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Just because of someone isn't verbally abusing you, that's
16:04
right, or just because someone isn't physically harming you
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that's right, doesn't mean that there is dis ease and
16:10
disconnection and power play. That's right in the works.
16:13
Yep. Because if you don't own your
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own money. And This is why I also believe
16:17
that Dave Ramsey is very damaging.
16:19
Yeah, totally. Because his whole entire tribe
16:22
talks about how the woman and the man should have joint
16:25
accounts and all of their money should be commingled and all of
16:29
that. And no.
16:30
No, thank you. See your face energetically.
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Not happening. Not happening.
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Not happening. It's OK to have your own.
16:40
Yes, please. It's more than OK.
16:42
Absolutely, which is why we're building the the empires that
16:45
we're building. OK, We're going to move on
16:46
though that. I think that that's clear on
16:48
where we stand and where we believe the future of money is
16:51
for women. And now we need to talk about
16:53
the work that gets to happen. Yes.
16:55
So if you're a woman listening to this or man, whoever, whoever
16:58
it is, whoever you are that's listening right now or watching
17:01
this right now, we have work to do, realizing that our old
17:06
paradigm of money has come from an unhealed space.
17:10
Yes. And when people's nervous
17:12
systems are unhealed and not grounded, think Wolf on Wall
17:18
Street when it comes to money. Someone asked me this question.
17:20
Well, what happens when you're when someone isn't healed or
17:23
someone isn't grounded and they make a lot of money?
17:26
I said the worst possible scenarios.
17:28
Hello, Epstein files. Absolutely.
17:30
Hello, Diddy. Oh, yeah.
17:33
Hello. What we're seeing on a front,
17:34
people like, Oh my God, how does this happen?
17:37
Because we got a whole lot of unhealed people walking around
17:39
with a whole lot of fucking money, making decisions that
17:42
just seem absolutely nuts. So let's talk about the nervous
17:46
system because we're calling you forward in this episode to Start
17:51
learning about the actual steps that you can take to start
17:55
healing yourself. First, It is your job.
17:57
In my book, I talk about radical responsibility.
18:00
It is your job to start. You can't go fix someone else if
18:04
you can't heal yourself. What is the intimate role that
18:07
our nervous system plays with money?
18:10
The easiest thing I can tell you is it's it's connected to your
18:13
choices and your beliefs. So from a nervous system
18:16
perspective, fight flight freeze fawn, these are 4 survival
18:23
strategies that each and every one of us have.
18:28
Now we need these strategies. And the reason why we need these
18:31
strategies is because if this building were to catch on fire
18:34
right now, our brain is going to immediately shuttle blood to the
18:40
amygdala saying yo get out in blood and cortisol are going to
18:45
go to our major extremities to get us out of the building
18:48
because we are in a legitimate threat, OK?
18:52
And so when we talk about fight, flight, freezer, fawn, rage or
18:57
anger, we talked about power and control when an individual's
19:02
nervous system is in one of those four, four states.
19:07
OK, so when I talk about states, think of body downs.
19:10
This is a state when my state physiologically if it's
19:15
defaulting to one of those four and there's a lot and we'll get
19:18
to a couple of examples, my cognitive thinking becomes
19:22
distorted and I talked about this in the retreat yesterday,
19:26
is that when you are in a dysregulated state, fight,
19:31
flight, freeze or fawn, your ability to make a logic informed
19:39
aligned decision becomes. Hyperly distorted, meaning
19:44
you're not regulated, therefore you're not making decisions that
19:47
are sound, correct. And they are not in alignment
19:52
from your heart. They're not.
19:53
And the reason why that is is because the prefrontal cortex
19:57
part of our brain that is responsible for logic and reason
20:01
that can rationalize that could be open we think of.
20:04
So from a nervous system perspective, it's called ventral
20:07
vagal. And when your ventral vagal part
20:10
of your system, that means that you.
20:12
You are calm, you are open, you're curious, you have the
20:17
ability to discern and ask informative questions.
20:22
So you're connected in your present, really.
20:26
And so when you do that, I like to use the analogy of like, I
20:30
can go, my body is slow, I can think about it, I could take a
20:34
pause, I can reflect on it and I'm connected to it.
20:38
And I might have the ability to ask more curious questions.
20:42
But if you're in one of those four States and we see this with
20:45
money, and I could share my example of how I lived with
20:48
money for most of my life, definitely in in the fight and
20:52
flee, 100%. It's the prefrontal cortex.
20:56
Part of your brain goes temporarily offline.
20:59
And when it goes temporary offline, your memory
21:02
consolidation also goes offline. And all of that blood that's
21:07
responsible, that's normally shuttled to that part of the
21:09
brain, it's being redistributed to your arms and your legs, your
21:14
heart and your lungs for blood flow and oxygen.
21:18
Wild. People are living in a state of
21:22
fight or flight when it comes to your money.
21:25
That also sounds a lot like scarcity and fear running the
21:29
show, yes? Or control and anger.
21:32
Control and anger. Which also feels very stressful.
21:36
It is stressful to the body. Which also feels like you're
21:38
waking up at 2:00 in the morning and you don't know why your
21:41
heart is racing exactly. And your mind can't quiet.
21:44
Which also means that even when you have money, you don't feel
21:47
safe. 1000%. Or when you have money, you feel
21:51
chaotic or overwhelmed or confused, which also means that
21:55
when you don't have money, it's exacerbated.
21:58
That all feels very stressful. You've talked.
22:00
About this on podcasts before and you've even worked with some
22:04
women financially, look at the spreadsheet and the numbers and
22:08
like cash flow and they're golden, right?
22:10
You're like, okay, they're going good, but like on the inside,
22:13
like on edge, they're fucking on edge.
22:15
So I don't know what the numbers are.
22:16
No matter what the numbers are. So what I love what we do
22:19
because it's so much deeper than the spreadsheet because there's
22:24
something underneath that state that is registering.
22:29
I am not safe. The shoes going to fall off the
22:32
other foot. Something catastrophic is going
22:34
to happen. Or we talk about freezer fawn,
22:37
right freeze. When we look at it from a money
22:40
perspective, this is where we have avoidance, never wanting to
22:44
look, don't want to talk about the numbers, don't want to look
22:47
at the number. This is pure full on shutdown
22:49
and avoidant. And so they never want to talk
22:51
about money and they don't even want to look at it.
22:53
So it's the nervous system is almost in a state of freeze and
22:57
they're completely disassociated.
22:59
This makes so much sense. This makes so much sense.
23:03
And these are the cues for you listening of when you say what
23:08
is going on because I can't, no matter what I do, I just keep
23:13
coming back to the state when it comes to my money.
23:15
Yeah, right. So we're going to take a short
23:17
break. Yep.
23:18
And then we're going to come back and we're going to talk
23:20
about what we can do about it. We're going to talk about what
23:23
we can do about it. So just stick with us.
23:24
We're going to take a short break and we'll be back.
23:25
We're going to talk about when it comes to nervous system
23:28
regulation, what you can do to regulate your nervous system so
23:31
that you can feel better when it comes to money, so that you can
23:33
have more and different when it comes to money.
23:36
Yeah. Baby.
23:38
We'll be right back. Hey, it's Lisa.
23:40
And I'm here with my sister and dear friend, Melissa Blinn, and
23:43
we want to talk to you about an opportunity for you to figure
23:48
out how to be with money in a feminine way.
23:50
So we have a retreat coming up, and it's actually July 2020,
23:53
sixth. There are ways out from it, but
23:54
we want you to know about it now so that you can start thinking
23:58
about why you would be there. We want you there.
24:01
So Melissa, talk to me about Unleash Your Capacity.
24:04
Well, when we talk about the word capacity is we all have a
24:07
glass ceiling and in the work that you and I do glass ceiling
24:10
via nervous system glass ceiling with the amount of financial
24:15
abundance that you can hold or receive or believe that you're
24:18
worthy of holding and receiving. That's so good.
24:21
We all have a threshold. We all have a threshold.
24:23
What's yours? We want you there.
24:25
Unleash your capacity. July 2026.
24:27
We want you there. Melissa and I will be there.
24:30
Join us. Join us.
24:31
All right? We're back.
24:32
We're back. We're back.
24:33
Let's do it. Fight, fight or fleet.
24:35
There's a lot of what fight, fight, fight, flight or freeze.
24:39
Or fawn. Or fawn, which is basically a
24:42
doormat. You're just done.
24:45
We all, we all have the tendency to do this.
24:48
This isn't like there, There is not one person on the planet
24:51
that's walking around completely healed.
24:53
No, this is a journey. And there's not really one
24:56
perfect archetype of someone where you can look at them and
24:59
go, Oh my God, they are whole and complete.
25:01
When it comes to money. I don't know one person.
25:03
I don't either. I've talked to hundreds and
25:05
thousands of people. But there are some people who
25:07
have complete or more healed nervous systems, therefore their
25:12
relationship with money is different, therefore they
25:15
operate differently about their lives.
25:18
And when women come to us, they say, I want freedom.
25:20
Yep, I want peace. Yep, I want security.
25:24
News flash to all of you, none of that exists in your bank
25:28
account. No, never.
25:30
Broke is not a number. Rich is not a number.
25:35
What you really want, it's not $10 million in the bank.
25:40
What you really want is to feel safe.
25:42
Yes. And so doing the nervous system
25:45
work that you do, first explain the ways that you do that with
25:50
your clients and then give us some tips on where someone can
25:53
start. Yeah.
25:54
So one of the biggest things is, is, you know, our nervous system
25:59
has familiarity and patterning in all different areas of our
26:03
life, our relationship to money, our relationship to friends or
26:08
other women, our relationship to men or women, our relationship
26:13
and business. And so what's important is that
26:15
our nervous system has different patterning in different areas of
26:18
our lives. And one of the things is that a
26:22
lot of women, when they start to come to me, for the most part,
26:25
I'm starting to get a lot of women that are, you know, in the
26:28
perimenopausal, menopausal journey.
26:30
And we kind of talked about this in our last episode is no women
26:35
in their early 40s, they're coming.
26:37
And all of a sudden it's like, shit, I'm not.
26:41
I'm not happy. I'm not in my truth.
26:43
I have anxiety. I have no idea how to manage my
26:46
money. It's almost as if they are in
26:49
this quickening like quicksand and a lot of things are
26:52
happening quickly and their bodies are not as resilient as
26:57
they were in their 20s and 30s because of they are not.
27:01
The hormones are shifting. And So what I'm seeing is that
27:05
women when that's happening, a lot more anxiety, a lot more
27:09
panic attack, a lot more hyper dysregulation all the time.
27:13
And so what's important is for any woman that's watching this,
27:18
I always tell women whether they work with me or not, like just
27:21
be aware of like, what are your sensations when you go to sit to
27:25
do your bills? What do you notice in your body
27:27
when you maybe go to have a conversation with your spouse or
27:31
your husband about money? What do you notice?
27:34
Do you feel comfortable? Do you feel like almost like you
27:38
have a frog in your throat and it almost feels like it's a
27:40
little challenging to get it out and you feel stuck almost again,
27:44
That's like that Free State and you can't communicate about it
27:47
or for women, are you overworking or over hustling and
27:51
scheduling back-to-back meetings and then overloading your
27:55
schedule? That was me because it was I was
27:57
always an anxious mode, always an anxious.
27:59
Are you when you go to do your bills, are you hyper analyzing
28:03
your numbers for hours and you're scratching your head?
28:06
Right. Or do you have to have to have a
28:08
glass of wine before you look at the numbers?
28:10
Totally to even just do that to. Even Yeah, exactly.
28:16
So the first thing is, is, is just be curious of how your body
28:21
is system is operating. And for those of you that are
28:24
like, I never look at my checkbook or I never look at my
28:27
money, afraid to or like it's this elephant in the room and I
28:31
never want to look at it. Let's, let's have compassion for
28:34
you because there's a lot of shame and guilt that's
28:36
associated with there, which is why the nervous system collapses
28:40
and doesn't want to go there. Be aware of where your state, as
28:44
we talked about in the last segment, where are you
28:46
oscillating from? That's the first place to lean
28:49
into. Curiosity is where do you
28:51
predominantly find your body when it comes to your
28:55
relationship with your money? That's the first thing.
28:57
OK, so check in. Check in the.
28:59
Sensations, the physical sensations that you have are are
29:03
there for a reason. Yes, I learned about in the
29:06
medical system. I was outraged by this.
29:08
There was an interview with Katie Couric and a doctor.
29:11
What was it? What's the doctor's name?
29:12
I sent it to you. It was what was the topic.
29:15
It was about the WWS. In medicine.
29:17
Oh yeah, I believe it was. I think it was Doctor Marie.
29:20
Claire I believe Doctor Marie Claire and that there are are
29:24
women and they're they're called different things across the
29:27
country depending on the different medical system you're
29:29
in. They call them WWS, which is a
29:30
whiny white woman. And that hit me and I know women
29:34
of color are definitely even less lessens to less than white
29:38
women in the medical system. But the fact that you don't feel
29:42
good, your heart's beating fast. You're you're you have anxiety.
29:47
Yeah. It's because your your body has
29:50
been working overtime to manage all of these emotions.
29:53
Yeah. And all of this backlog and it's
29:56
not regulated. And then we go to the doctor and
29:58
we say we don't feel good. And then they're like, oh, it's
30:01
just perimenopause. Yeah.
30:02
Oh, it's just menopause. Yeah.
30:04
Oh, it's just the change. Oh, you're just, you're just
30:06
being whiny. Yeah, talking about it actually
30:09
today is 10:10. So this is is World Mental
30:13
Health Day. And in a recent study this year,
30:17
40% of women in perimenopausal are diagnosed with depression,
30:21
40% are diagnosed with depression.
30:25
When So again, your internal state is a huge alarm.
30:32
Something is not right. And it's so crucial that we
30:37
educate women and give them tools and strategies.
30:40
That's what we're doing. It's so vital because they're
30:43
going into doctors and doctors are like, hey, you're depressed,
30:46
here's a pill. Here's a yeah, here's a pill.
30:48
Here's a pill. Lots of pills too.
30:50
A lot of them. Horror stories of women who have
30:53
just been over prescribed medications.
30:56
And I know you're working on the more plant medicine side of
30:59
things with women. OK, so first is state high
31:02
cricket. Hi cricket first is state get a
31:04
dog they Co regulate you. Perfect timing, perfect timing.
31:08
Are you here to regulate us, Kirkie?
31:10
My dogs, if you're listening to this, my dog's in the studio and
31:13
she just can't get enough of Melissa.
31:14
She loves Auntie, you love Auntie Missy.
31:17
OK, so and then you have this beautiful handout and also
31:20
Melissa and I have a gift for you.
31:21
So we have we have some workshops coming up.
31:24
Called the capacity lab doing 4 of them.
31:27
We're doing 4 capacity labs, building up to the Unleash Your
31:30
Capacity retreat. And in the capacity lab, we want
31:33
to teach you these things real time.
31:35
Yeah, we have a gift for you. Look for in the show notes.
31:38
It's a mini training. Yeah, it's a step in that
31:40
direction. So if you want to know more
31:42
about how you can get to work on your own nervous system, have
31:46
grace and compassion with yourself, and find other women
31:49
who are doing this too. Find other women in our world.
31:52
That has been a game changer. You and I get to do what we get
31:55
to do, and we love what we do so much.
31:57
And then getting back into your own life, you're going to need
32:01
sisters and you're going to need support and you're going to need
32:03
sisters who get it and they want to do this work with you.
32:05
The Capacity Lab is a perfect place for you to come learn from
32:08
us real time. We want to teach you the steps.
32:10
Awareness is the first step. Yes.
32:13
But then Melissa teaches about somatically how to drop into
32:15
your body, which may or may not feel safe for you right now, how
32:18
to get enough sleep, how to make sure make sure you're not crazy.
32:21
Yeah. And then and then maybe take the
32:23
next step with us and come to the retreat and spend 4 days.
32:26
There are lots. There's lots of ways for you to
32:28
start this work in our world, and we want you to do.
32:30
That and the gift that we have for you, it's it's a basically
32:34
it's called survival to safety. And Lisa and I curated together
32:38
and when we talk about survival, survival is again back to if my
32:43
state is in a state of survival, which is either fight, flight,
32:47
freeze or fawn, no matter what, how much money I have in my bank
32:52
account, if I don't feel safe in my system first, by all means,
32:58
money is is it's the next step. But we're teaching feel safe so
33:04
you can take the next step into feeling safe with your money,
33:08
with your money, which ultimately leads to a bigger
33:11
capacity to hold more and so vital.
33:13
So vital, $10 is more, $100 is more, $1000 is more.
33:18
I've learned a lot with that with you.
33:19
You've taught me a lot. Yeah, more, more, incrementally,
33:22
more. You have to build your nervous
33:24
system into safety first in order to have more.
33:27
So if you have big, big dreams, and speaking to my dreamers
33:30
specifically, you have these really big dreams, you'll
33:34
sabotage yourself every step along the way if you don't have
33:36
the capacity to hold more. That's right.
33:38
Because if you can't hold $1000 in your bank account or in your
33:42
business checking account, which has been me, yeah, totally
33:45
journey before, then how are you ever going to receive and hold
33:49
on to 1,000,000? Yep.
33:51
So that's the question for you is let's do this work together
33:55
and let's check in on your nervous system because if you
33:58
have internal safety, you have everything.
34:00
That's right. That's right.
34:02
And then when it comes to external safety, when you are
34:05
the one to provide for yourself financially, no one's coming to
34:08
save you. And you have your own money, you
34:10
have your own resources, you have your own savings, you have
34:13
your own retirement account. To your point, yes your
34:16
significant other will be there for you, but financially they
34:19
don't have to lift the load so heavy and men are tired.
34:22
Totally, totally. Men have been and men have been
34:25
burned too. You know, absolutely.
34:27
Men have been burned too. Oh, I just heard a Horror Story
34:29
about this from someone that I know.
34:31
Who The guy married someone and she took him for everything he
34:35
was worth. So this does.
34:36
Guys, we hear you. We know this happens.
34:38
Oh, yeah, for you too. We're just starting with where
34:40
we're experts right now, which it is with women.
34:42
But we get it. We hear you.
34:43
We see, you know, this is happening for men too.
34:47
We're going to talk about breaking generational patterns.
34:50
Here we go. I'm so passionate about this.
34:52
Me too. OK, first thing my book, Stop
34:54
Budgeting, Start living. We do a deep dive into this.
34:56
So if you're looking for somewhere to start there, start
34:58
there with looking at what is your financial set points.
35:01
Generational patterns with money is one thing.
35:04
What are generational patterns that show up in our nervous
35:06
system? Oh wow, scarcity fear for sure.
35:11
So easily one the first thing that comes to my mind is is if I
35:16
had if I had a mother, which is real time, who didn't trust men,
35:23
which is real time and had me her daughter didn't trust men
35:27
imprinting zero to seven literally told me don't ever
35:30
trust men. They all lie adolescent teenage
35:33
years, which we talked about and deal with Make sure you hide
35:36
your bills from a man hide it, tuck it away.
35:40
I laugh about it because it's it's, it's wild.
35:44
It's wild. It's not funny when you're going
35:46
through it. No, no.
35:48
It's not, you know, and it's just I, I can, I can laugh about
35:52
it now because I've done a lot of work around it, a lot of
35:56
healing and a lot of breaking that story and breaking that
36:01
nervous system patterning. And so from a nervous system
36:05
patterning, if that's was how my mother felt.
36:08
Which is was. Which it was.
36:10
Which it was that feeling contributed to the stories and
36:15
her beliefs mind that she would tell me and so if those two
36:20
imprinting and an adolescent. I was choosing men that I wasn't
36:25
safe with and I would hide money.
36:28
It's unhide credit cards. It sounds like a self fulfilling
36:30
prophecy. 1000% was legitimately was.
36:36
I believe this. My mom taught me how to believe
36:40
this. Now, first of all, we're not
36:41
blaming anybody here. We're not blaming your mom.
36:43
She did the best that she could do with the resources that she
36:46
had available to her. Totally.
36:47
But she then passed this on to you generationally.
36:52
Yep. And it was a fact.
36:54
Yes, because kids believe what we're told.
36:57
Yes. And then we behave in a way.
36:59
Yes. That makes that true, yes.
37:02
So we're just trying to make be right.
37:04
Yes, which led to married and divorced real like young, as I
37:09
mentioned 420 yeah, and I've worked for like I can look back.
37:14
I work probably 3 to 4 jobs ever since I was 18 years old.
37:18
I would work at the time I remember I shows publicly.
37:20
I worked at a bank, but on the weekends I was a stripper and it
37:23
was like, I need to do more. I need to do more.
37:25
I was I was like hustle was my middle name and it was just that
37:30
constant like I need more, I need to grind, I need more.
37:33
So I, I learned 3 or 4 jobs and then that was success.
37:39
So how that showed up in my nervous system as I was always
37:41
anxious, always anxious, hardly slept, drank a lot of Red Bull,
37:46
drank a lot of caffeine, would sit down with the 2-3 glasses of
37:50
wine to do my bills, hyper analyzing those bills, thinking
37:53
of all the things. I mean, it was just this whole
37:55
snowball effect. And when I look back and zoom
37:59
out of that, my nervous system and my ancestral patterning, the
38:04
women that came before me, I believe I had no idea how to
38:09
manage money. And I believed to be true that
38:13
the women that came before me did not have a voice and they
38:18
didn't feel safe in that voice. And so I'm so passionate about
38:23
this work is because when women start to advocate and for
38:26
themselves in financial arenas and other arenas, like it's the
38:30
most liberating thing for me because it's so important.
38:34
So it does. It is definitely ancestral and
38:37
for me the breaking point was like, my parents aren't the
38:41
problem, I'm the fucking problem.
38:43
I filed bankruptcy at 25 years old. 26 years old because I
38:47
chose a man hypermasculine who needed me to rescue him.
38:52
I paid all the bills. I took a second out on the
38:55
House. He won't leave me, I'll take
38:58
care of him. Six years in resentment like a
39:01
mofo. I had an affair and then there
39:04
was bankruptcy and it was at that point it was like I'm the
39:07
problem and that was a real big part of my journey of, of when I
39:10
started to get real about money and money journey.
39:12
I was having this conversation with someone last night after
39:15
the event about how everything changes when we take radical
39:19
responsibility, which isn't the same as blame.
39:23
Exactly. When we can recognize the
39:25
pattern, and I have a money coaching certification, I'm
39:28
teaching this real time to my students.
39:30
When we can recognize the pattern, we can honor that about
39:34
our history. We can realize it wasn't our
39:36
fault and then also work actively to interrupt the
39:40
pattern. And when we heal our
39:42
generational history, whether we have children or not, we heal
39:46
that part of that pattern and that generational history and we
39:50
heal it for the generations. Absolutely, Absolutely.
39:54
And we heal our ancestors. So I don't know how woo woo you
39:57
are, but I'm super woo woo. And I believe that our ancestors
40:00
just didn't go anywhere. They're right here cheering us
40:04
on. How I I choose to believe how
40:06
beautiful is it that they're my great grandmother and my
40:08
grandmother are cheering me on saying hell yeah, yes, you are
40:12
the one. Yeah, yes, you are the.
40:14
One. That's right.
40:15
That's right. To feel this, you were the
40:17
strong one. That's right.
40:18
You get to do this work for my son and for his children and for
40:23
generations before. So this work matters in so many
40:27
ways, not just for yourself, but I'll start with you.
40:29
Yeah. And I think we you've talked
40:30
about this before, even if you were raised in a in a family
40:35
environment where there was a lot of money and there was
40:39
resources financially, right? It's a very different yeah.
40:43
Whether you came from, in my example, stories about men, men
40:48
and money don't go together, old, outdated, no or a lot of
40:52
wealth or so forth. Like each generational line is
40:56
designed to break and shift and change because this is
41:00
evolution. Yes, and that we're evolving
41:03
into a new world. We are evolving into a new.
41:05
World and what worked 30 years ago, regardless of where you
41:08
came from isn't going to work the same moving forward no,
41:12
because we've changed that's right.
41:13
And AI is changing us and the world is changing.
41:16
And so it's time for us to step up and level up.
41:19
And instead of saying this is the way it's always been done,
41:21
challenge who you're being. Recognize and realize who you've
41:25
become and why you've become that person and do the work,
41:29
yes, so that you elevate and evolve.
41:31
Yes, financially, women, we get to do that.
41:33
Yes, we do. We're gonna talk about
41:37
sisterhood and community. Yeah.
41:39
When women are together we Co regulate or we Co dysregulate.
41:43
Let's be honest. Let's keep it real, Lisa.
41:48
Just shirt. It's the shirt that says that's
41:52
a horrible idea. What time?
41:53
Yeah, wow. It's so good.
41:57
We can be dysregulated together. And my husband and I were
42:01
listening to a sermon or over the weekend, last weekend, which
42:05
was beautiful, which was basically choose who you're
42:07
going to be in relationship with men and women and find women.
42:13
So this is what we're doing is find women where it's not the
42:16
only thing that you do is sit around and complain about your
42:18
husbands or complain about other people or bitch about your life
42:22
or bitch about your boss or bitch about your career.
42:25
That's lower level energetics and play.
42:28
You learn that from someone. You learn that from somewhere in
42:31
my house, in my household growing up, that happened.
42:34
And I just said I don't want to be like that anymore.
42:35
Yeah. And so what's different, and I
42:37
noticed this since at the Take the Lead event yesterday, what's
42:39
different about us and the community that we're building is
42:42
that the women in the in the room, we're oscillating
42:46
energetically forward together. We're cheering each other on.
42:49
We're like you fucking you can rock.
42:51
That, yeah, absolutely. You're amazing and I'm
42:54
attracting more and more women like that in in my life.
42:57
Why is that so important when it comes to our nervous systems?
43:00
It's huge. The word that's coming to me
43:02
right now is energy leaks. So here's why it's important,
43:05
right? So again, when we think of a
43:08
faucet leaking right when we talk about energy, our bodies,
43:12
our energy, right capacity, what we're talking about, if I were
43:16
to hold your cup of water right now, and if that was
43:19
metaphorically like my physical body and if I have girlfriends
43:24
or friends that are always calling me and emotionally
43:28
dumping their skank got the visual my water cup is going to
43:32
go fuller and fuller and fuller and fuller and fuller and fuller
43:35
and fuller. So if outside sources are
43:38
emotionally dumping, again, think of a visible line.
43:41
My mentor on a hot and Sedona. It's been it's like ingrained in
43:46
me is like this is an invisible line.
43:48
And if you don't ask for permission to, hey, do you have
43:53
space to talk about this or, and it's, it's negative or gossipy
43:57
about other women that water cup your body, you're filling it up
44:01
full of someone else's stank. And how can you hold more
44:04
wealth? How can you hold more love and
44:07
intimacy? How in the hell can you go out
44:10
and advocate more of what you want when you ain't got no room
44:13
because you're holding everybody else's stank, right?
44:16
So I love that you're bringing this up because it's so it's so,
44:19
so important because your energy has a value.
44:23
And when we hold space, it's a value and it's it's important.
44:29
And when we are in sisterhood, how we use our energy in those
44:34
environments matter. And one of the things that's
44:37
important, it's a lot of work that I do with women.
44:40
Leslie, who's in particular, you met her yesterday.
44:43
She was my client of mine, I believe going to come to
44:46
capacity lab. Like she's been like really
44:48
doing a really good job of like, I'm no longer responding.
44:52
And yesterday at Take the Lead, she was like, I had 26 text
44:56
messages from girls just dumping.
44:58
I'm like, are you kidding? And she's like, I didn't even
45:01
respond. So she's learning, but it was a
45:03
learned behavior. Her value, she believed, was if
45:10
I am there for everybody else and I give them feedback and I
45:14
listen to their shhank, I'm worthy and I'm valuable.
45:19
Which stems from a belief of I'm not worthy. 1000% And so in
45:23
sisterhood, we believe that both can coexist because perfect
45:29
doesn't exist. But when we're in the work, we
45:33
have mentors, we have paid mentors, we have paid therapists
45:38
and coaches of our own, and we make sure that we have space for
45:43
each other. And if we know that a sister is
45:46
overwhelmed or has a lot going on, we are very respectful not
45:50
to just dump and we're mindful of that.
45:53
And so that's why I love sisterhood because as we evolve
45:57
and as we elevate, that's the consciousness is we need to
46:02
support women that hold a lot, but we don't need to be adding
46:05
on to that. Does that make sense?
46:07
Which also speaks into the fact that we are responsible and
46:10
totally capable of managing our own shit.
46:14
Which leads to self trust. Trust.
46:17
Absolutely. Yep.
46:18
When you trust yourself, it takes time.
46:20
I've. It's a journey.
46:21
I'm going to be 46 next month. It's a journey.
46:24
Yeah, it takes time. And I trust myself.
46:28
Yeah. Where?
46:29
If I'm having a day, I don't call my girlfriend to dump on
46:32
her. Yeah.
46:33
Or my mom. Yep.
46:34
Or my sister. Yep.
46:35
I take a day. That's right.
46:37
And actually, I don't even dump on my husband anymore.
46:39
Yeah, I just take a day. Yeah.
46:41
And I rest and I meditate and I walk.
46:44
And if after a couple of days I still feel it.
46:47
Yep, that's what we call self sourcing.
46:49
That's right. And as coaches, we're we're
46:52
teaching our clients how to self source.
46:54
They don't always like it. They really.
46:56
Don't. Not always.
46:57
Fun. But also, as coaches, we're
46:58
teaching our clients don't come and dump on me.
47:00
Yeah. Let's teach you how to self
47:02
source. Yep.
47:03
And self soothe. Yep.
47:04
And do some healing on your own. That's right.
47:06
And take care of yourself and drink some water and take your
47:09
vitamin and say no. Yep.
47:11
And build a sisterhood of women who get that and honor it and
47:17
love that about you. Yes.
47:19
And it will be the sisterhood that heals the world.
47:22
I have no doubt about it. I agree.
47:24
And it's a healed sisterhood. I agree.
47:26
A healed sisterhood. And I I think this is a perfect
47:29
way to end the show. Yeah, to be in gratitude to you
47:33
and your sisterhood and the amazing women that we are
47:37
surrounding ourselves by. Totally.
47:39
We get this too. Yeah.
47:41
And that and it's really fun. It's been the most fun for me
47:44
is, is experiencing the women who came to unleash your
47:48
capacity 2 years ago or Big Magic.
47:50
It was Big Magic. And that they are becoming their
47:52
own sister. Oh, it's fantastic.
47:54
Like I'm going to Stevie Nicks tomorrow and like Kim Michelle.
47:58
Yeah, I'm like, there are four of them and they're becoming
48:01
like lifelong friends. Yeah.
48:04
And so we get to give it away. Yes.
48:07
And we want you to be a part of this.
48:09
We want you to be a part of this community, this conversation.
48:11
So we want you at Unleash Your. Capacity we do.
48:14
We want you. We want you there and to get you
48:16
there. We have the capacity lap that's
48:17
coming up. We have 4 dates.
48:19
The information's in the show notes.
48:21
From there, we want to talk to you and support you and making a
48:25
decision to join us. The retreat is in July of next
48:27
year. They'll let the websites live.
48:29
It's in the show notes. You can go and read more about
48:32
it. It's in San Clemente, CA, which
48:34
is absolutely beautiful, which is at Christina Hands Studio
48:37
Hands to Wellness Collective, which is absolutely gorgeous.
48:39
There's no place like it in Southern California.
48:42
This is work that you get to do with us, you get to do with
48:45
yourself, you get to do with other women.
48:46
I think the other. Thing is, is it kind of circling
48:48
back to how we heal in sisterhood?
48:51
A lot of women, when we start to witness each other and we're
48:55
witnessed in some of the toughest or darkest places, and
49:00
then by day 2, day three, we're shifting it.
49:03
And if the energy's changing, they see what's possible, and
49:06
then that's where possibility starts to come in.
49:09
And then that's what really binds them and locks them into
49:12
it is they went down into some dark, deep stuff and worked
49:17
through some stuff and they witnessed each other.
49:19
So a, a level of trust is built, a level of compassion and
49:23
celebrating each other along the way.
49:25
So it's it's a beautiful journey to watch unfold because
49:29
sisterhood, it's so. Vital it is.
49:32
It's vital to love. Love is the universal language,
49:36
and we see this with children. When they are not loved, many of
49:39
them die. Yeah, it is the most universal
49:42
language and it is one of our most basic needs.
49:44
So come and learn with us in a safe environment, in a loving
49:48
environment. Heal.
49:50
Heal yourself. Heal in sisterhood.
49:52
We want you on this journey with us.
49:54
So thank you for being here today, Melissa, always.
49:57
I love you. I love you too.
49:59
We're doing it again. I'm so excited.
50:01
Again, we're doing it again, and we'll be doing it again and
50:04
again and again. Sold out.
50:05
Last year, let's do it again. Yeah, we sure did.
50:08
Thanks for being here on the Real Money Podcast today.
50:10
I'm Lisa Chastain, your host. And remember that money is
50:12
emotional before it's mathematical.
50:15
Have the courage to dig into the emotions, Have the courage
50:17
chilling in and have important conversations.
50:20
Have the courage to heal. And Melissa and I will see you
50:23
in the Capacity Lab and at Unleash Your Capacity.