Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #199 Extra Curricular Activities

Transcript

#199 Extra Curricular Activities · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, even children who are struggling, you know, families that
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: are struggling and don't have the resources. The way that
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: schools cater for children's needs and strengths and development and
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: gifts and talents, they can do so many things.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: and dad.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson, the author of six
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: books about raising happy families. And I'm here with my
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: wife and co host and the mum to our six daughters, Kylie,
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: missus Happy Families. Kylie. We've had what we're getting more
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: and more emails to the podcast podcasts at Happyfamilies dot
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: com dot au.
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: And we actually have Maria on the phone with us
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: right now.
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: She has a question shopping on the Gold Coasts. Maria,
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: what's troubling you? Why did you email us? Hi?
• 0:51
  Speaker 4: Guys, yep.
• 0:53
  Speaker 5: I emailed because I had questions about after school and
• 0:57
  Speaker 5: extracurricular activities and just how to juggle them. I've just
• 1:01
  Speaker 5: I've got three kids. They all want to go in
• 1:03
  Speaker 5: different directions. They all want to do music.
• 1:06
  Speaker 4: And sport and all kinds of things and in the afternoons,
• 1:09
  Speaker 4: and I just just so much time and so much
• 1:13
  Speaker 4: fun available for all three of them.
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: I was going to say, that's actually the big thing,
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: isn't it. If only they all had licenses and could
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: get themselves where they wanted to go, then you'd only
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: have to worry about the money. But the extra stuff
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: costs a fortune.
• 1:28
  Speaker 5: That's right. And there's only one of me to take
• 1:30
  Speaker 5: them everywhere.
• 1:31
  Speaker 3: I used to think that if I just limited it
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: to two extracurricular activities per children, that I could manage
• 1:39
  Speaker 3: it all.
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: And we had six kids.
• 1:41
  Speaker 3: Six of them, and it's just it's such a.
• 1:44
  Speaker 5: Juggle, isn't there at twelve?
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: That's exactly right?
• 1:48
  Speaker 3: So then I started dictating.
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: Okay, we're all doing swimming. So Maria, do you do
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: your kids all want to do the same activities or
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: do they literally all want to do different things?
• 1:57
  Speaker 4: No, they all want to do different things, And I
• 2:00
  Speaker 4: think they've all got their little alone personalities, and so
• 2:03
  Speaker 4: I want them to.
• 2:04
  Speaker 5: Explore what they like. But yeah, it's just challenging getting
• 2:08
  Speaker 5: them to everything.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: And so one last question for you before we try
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: to find some answers to help, how many activities do
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: you currently have those three children doing.
• 2:20
  Speaker 4: Well.
• 2:21
  Speaker 5: There's basketball, there's gymnastics, there's music lessons.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: Are they all doing the same music lessons?
• 2:31
  Speaker 5: Them has culture groups? No, they all have three different instruments.
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: They have three different instruments each.
• 2:39
  Speaker 5: Yeah, oh no, three of them have an instrument each,
• 2:43
  Speaker 5: and there at different times, different different times.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: And then you your top school on top of that
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: with their activities for school and other commitments and I'm
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: sure that.
• 2:54
  Speaker 5: That's right, and friends and yeah, family time and friends
• 2:58
  Speaker 5: time and yeah, it's.
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: Just it's so exhausting. This conversation exhausts me. But you know,
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: the other thing, just before we even talk about trying
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: to work out the strategy here the best way forward.
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: I talk to so many parents who feel like they're
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: not being good enough parents if they don't have their
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: children involved in all of these extra curricular activities. Like
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: we feel like our children are going to be missing out,
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: like we're doing them a disservice if they don't get
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: to do swing, or don't learn that musical instrument, or
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: don't do all of these things. And I just want
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: to at the very outset say I don't necessarily think
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: that that's being fair to you to say that.
• 3:36
  Speaker 3: I think about this whole thing, and the reality is
• 3:39
  Speaker 3: that our children live in the most privileged society that.
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: Probably in the history of humanity. Like what even children
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: who are struggling, you know, families that are struggling and
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: don't have the resources. The way that schools cater for
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: children's needs and strengths and development and gifts and talents,
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: they can do so many things and.
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: Programs that are available at our schools for free that
• 4:04
  Speaker 3: allow our children to try new things and learn new
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: skills that they can add to as they grow is phenomenal.
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: There's community groups, and you know, if you can't afford,
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: let's say, a musical instrument for your child, there's that
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: thing called Facebook marketplace where you get stuff so cheap.
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: People are constantly selling stuff and you can pick it
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: up for next to nothing. Stick them in front of
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: YouTube and they'll learn how to play the guitar, they'll
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: learn how to play the piano. Likes It's incredible, just
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: how extraordinary the opportunities are for our children today if
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: we can be a little bit creative, even if our
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: resources are limited. So I just want to put that
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: out there as a parent, you're not obligated, you don't
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: have to, it's not essential, and that your children can
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: still live really delightful lives and make a contribution and
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: learn and develop. I think that it's really important that
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: we take the pressure off ourselves.
• 4:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah, And I think the other thing about it is
• 5:01
  Speaker 3: really important. Just like I had to put my decision
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: with whether or not I go to tape through my
• 5:05
  Speaker 3: own values filter, I think that this whole scenario around
• 5:10
  Speaker 3: how many extracurricular activities we allow our children to do,
• 5:13
  Speaker 3: what we allow them to be involved in, and how
• 5:16
  Speaker 3: much time it takes us away from other things that
• 5:19
  Speaker 3: we value, it needs to be able to go through
• 5:21
  Speaker 3: that filter.
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: So one decision we've made is children, you all swim
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: for a couple of reasons. Number one, we don't have
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: time to take you to four or five or six
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: different sports because we've got that many children. They could
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: all choose their own sport, but we just don't have
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: the capacity to take them all to different sports. So
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: swimming compulsory. And we live near the beach and we've
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: got a swimming pool, so you're going to learn to swim.
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: And we value fitness and we run it through that
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: filter of time together, capacity and logistics and safety and fitness,
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: and they're things that we care about. And so they're
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: all swimming, Job done. What's the other activity you're going
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: to do? And then you know, if the children want
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: to do other sports, they can do it through school,
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: they can do it in other ways that I go
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: to have an impact on our family in those significant ways.
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: Now that's not always the case. If we've got a
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: child who has a specific talent or capacity that they've
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: developed through school or through trying a sport with somebody else,
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: then we will look for ways that they can leverage
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: that and take advantage of that. But it's not something
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: that we are pushing really hard because there's just only
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: so much that we can do.
• 6:24
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and we watched this with our kids when they
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: attended a school where there was a lot of extra
• 6:29
  Speaker 3: activities available to them, and we jumped on the bandwagon
• 6:32
  Speaker 3: because we wanted them to be able to experience these things,
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: and what we actually saw was that our kids burnt out.
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: And nearly killed us as well. Yeah, not to mention
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: the cost. So let's talk some more about how we
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: can get this balance right right after the break.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: It's their Happy Famili's podcat.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: For a happier family. Try a Happy Families membership, because
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: a happy family doesn't just happen. Details at happy families
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: dot com dot au.
• 6:57
  Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
• 7:00
  Speaker 3: a poor parent who just wants answers now. And today
• 7:03
  Speaker 3: we were talking with Maria about how to juggle the
• 7:07
  Speaker 3: choice and the time restraints around extracurricula with our children.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so Maria's on the goldie. The kids are one
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: who spend time at the beach. They've got nippers, they've
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: got their different sports interests, they've got their cultural activities,
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: they've got musical interests. And Maria's kind of saying I
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: can't do it all. So there's two things too, I
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: guess filters that I usually consider when it comes to
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: this filter. Number one is how much time have I got? Like,
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: you've just got to have the capacity to run the
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: kids from place to place to place. I remember, years
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: and years and years ago, I was doing this PR
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: campaign for a major organization. I was on the TV
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: doing interviews and they had another person who was also involved,
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: and the other person was just a kid. He was
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: about ten years old and his mum had him involved in.
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: I think she told me it was eight different extracurricular
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: activities per week. Eight. I don't know how they afforded it.
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: But more than that, I don't know how the time, Like,
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: how do you stretch yourself that thinner make everything happen?
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: And the second field I've got other than just making
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: sure that timing works and that you're not spreading yourself
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: thinner than you possibly can manage, is dollars, Like you've
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: actually got to have the resources you need. You need
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: to be able to pay for the cost of registration
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: for the sport, or the cost of the music practice
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: and lessons, or the cost of the instruments or whatever
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: it might be. No matter what extracurricular activity you do,
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: there's going to be dollars involved, and you want to
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: make sure that you can actually well not give yourself
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: a heart attack every term when another bill arrives.
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: So I reckon there's a lot of research around this,
• 8:38
  Speaker 3: because this is a dilemma that parents have had for
• 8:41
  Speaker 3: a long time. Can you talk us through some of that,
• 8:44
  Speaker 3: Like what does the research actually tell us.
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: On average, children who are involved in sports or music
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: do seem to do better socially and academically.
• 8:53
  Speaker 3: Well, they're learning a skill that kind of sets them
• 8:55
  Speaker 3: apart a little bit, aren't they. They gain confidence in
• 8:58
  Speaker 3: ball skills and you know, handling themselves and eye hand
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: coordination and all of those things, which means that they
• 9:06
  Speaker 3: feel competent.
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's right, and so self esteem usually goes up
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: a little bit. They tend to just on average, little
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: bit better. But they're also let's take music for example,
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: or chess, you're developing your brain. You're learning how to
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: think differently, you're learning new patterns and new ways of
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: doing things, and so academically you're using your memory more,
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: and so academically you do tend to do a little
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: bit better as well. And I think there's also a
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: time management issue. If I've got to get my school
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: work done and I've got to get all these tasks done,
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: I'm probably going to do better. But perhaps one of
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: the main reasons that children tend to do better is
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: because they've got parents who are I guess pushing them
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: or getting them to do extra stuff. And if you're
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: going to push the children, yeah, you're going to invest
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: that way, especially often with families, a great sacrifice. You're
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: probably going to also expect some return on your investment.
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: From an academic point of view, whether they're in a
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: state school or a private school or whatever it might be,
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: the children do tend to do better. There's one more thing, though,
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: that I think we need to talk about, and it's
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: probably the most important filter or consideration of all, and
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: that is that so often I bump into parents who
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: are telling me that their children are not motivated to
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: participate in the extra curricular activities that they're investing in.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: I'm sacrificing, I'm driving them here, I'm spending all that
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: money I've bought the I bought the harp, or I
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: bought the piano, or I've got them in the cricket
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: team or the netball team or whatever it is, and
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: they just won't do it. They want to quit. They've
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: got no levels of motivation. And it's so so important
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: that your children actually have some saying what they're doing.
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: They're not just doing it because that's what you did
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: as a kid, and you are excellent at it, so
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: therefore they have to be excellent at it. Or you
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: didn't quite make the national team, but by golly, your
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: kids are going to get there. I know, it sounds
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: so obvious when I say that, but it's not fair
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: to heap expectations on our children and their extracurricular performance
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: if they don't want to do it, if they don't
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: have the passion, the drive, the desire. The word passion
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: means to suffer, and if a child is truly passionate
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: about a particular extracurricular activity, they'll be willing to suffer.
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: If they're not willing to suffer for it, then they
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: don't really want to do it that much, So don't
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: force them to do it.
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: So we have one of our children who plays the piano,
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: and I don't think we've actually ever had to ask
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: her to practice because she is so passionate about it.
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: She will literally sit down at that piano for half
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: an hour at a time, for for.
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: Three hours at a time. She's so conscientious.
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: Lay Yeah, So, yeah, as you were talking and I
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: was listening and just thinking about again another filter that
• 11:37
  Speaker 3: we can run this through. Why are we doing this?
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 11:40
  Speaker 3: You know, if we ask ourselves why are we going
• 11:43
  Speaker 3: through this? We're putting all of this extra stress, strain,
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: financial obligation on our shoulders. Why is it? Because this
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: our child really really wants to do it. Or is
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: it because we think it's really important for them?
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah? And you know what, both of those are right.
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: I mean, it is important for them, and we do
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: want to give them opportunities, and we do want to
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: see them exceed and excel and fulfill their potential and
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: all those things that parents say. And I think that's
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: fair enough, But they've got to be tapping into their
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: strengths their interests. Just because I love cycling, I mean
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: we've tried this. I love cycling. My kids they have
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: not fallen in love with cycling like I have. We
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: think it's the licra. You don't think they like looking
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: at my silky smooth legs. That's not working for them. No,
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: I don't think they like wearing lycra. Oh I thought
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: you meant writing with that in his life. Now, well
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: that's pretty bad too. I'm just overshared, haven't I. I've
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: gone too far.
• 12:38
  Speaker 4: Now.
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: There's one other thing that I want to highlight very
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: quickly as well, and that is that it's not great
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: to get your kids involved in this stuff too early.
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: I wouldn't be encouraging parents to have their children involved
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: in any organized sport or any organized musical lessons before
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: on average somewhere around seven or eight, maybe even nine
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: or ten. They can have fun, they can do playdates,
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: but you want to really minimize the pressure. Don't get
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: them involved in competition. The competitive stuff. It's not good
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: for them while they're young, and it's going to be
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: so much better for them if they can naturally develop
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: competencies and relationships without the pressure of competition and without
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: the pressure of having to look good and be amazing
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: and start young. You know what, there's plenty of people
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: who have won Olympic gold that didn't even pick up
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: their sports until they were in their late teens or
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: even their early twenties. They'll be okay. They don't have
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: to specialize from a young age. Starting later is just fine.
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: Well, hopefully these tips have been helpful as you try
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: to navigate the world of extracurricula with your family.
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: Maria, thanks so much for sending through your email. Podcasts
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: at happy Families dot com dot au is how you
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: can get in touch and let us know what your
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: questions are. Would do our best to help your family
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: be happier If you find the podcast helpful, we would
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: be so grateful if you take a minute or so
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: and go to Apple Podcasts, lead a rating and review.
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: When you do that, people find out about the show
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: and they get to make their families happier as well,
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: which is why we're here. That's what we love. So please,
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: if you're enjoying it, feel free to dive in and
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: do that. We're really grateful, by the way to Justin
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: rule On from Bridge Media. He's our producer. He makes
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: us sound great, and Craig Bruce is our executive producer.
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: He asks us all the hard questions. If you'd like
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: more information on how we can help your family to flourish,
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: particularly if you'd like to have monthly ongoing support via
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: our Happy Families memberships, you can get all the details
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: at happy families dot com dot au