Latest / Sass & Small TALK / The Invisible Load of: PARENTING PROFOUND NEEDS & MULTIPLES AS A FULL TIME HOMEMAKER

Transcript

The Invisible Load of: PARENTING PROFOUND NEEDS & MULTIPLES AS A FULL TIME HOMEMAKER · Sass & Small TALK

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_03: I never in a million years thought that I would leave my teaching career and be home.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_03: But I've learned to truly value the role of a homemaker.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_03: I think as women, we feel that if it's little, it's not worthy.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_03: And I feel as a wife, whatever you contribute, whether it's time, whether it's money, whether it's your energy, that's your contribution and you should be proud of that.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_03: I feel a tad.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: I need my stats back.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: If you're doing it all from meltdown to task and still fighting to keep up that sass, friend, I got you.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, I'm Deb, host of Sass and Smalltalk, the mental load of parenthood, season two.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: As a mom of two smollies, navigating life with a neurodivergent family, and my own neurospicy brain, caregiving for aging parents, and trying to hold it all together with grace.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: I know what it means to carry the mental, emotional, and invisible load of parenting.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: But here's the thing: we weren't meant to do this alone.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: This season, we're exploring the many faces of parenthood, from single parents to co-parents, blended families to chosen families, and everything in between.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: Right here in our beautiful city of Victoria, BC, and beyond.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: They're sharing real stories of overwhelm, grief, imposter syndrome, breaking generational cycles with the resilience it takes to keep showing up.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: Real parents, real families, real stories.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: Because it takes a village to raise a child and a community to raise their parent.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Dallin, I need my Sass back.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to Sass and Smalltalk, the mental load of parenthood.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'm your host, Deb Bellino, and today we're going to talk about the silent struggles and reality of profound needs parenting with the homemaker role at the center.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: Meet Rowena Breken.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: Rowena's journey into motherhood has been one of courage, tenderness, and profound devotion.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: As a mom of four, including a set of triplets, two with autism, one profoundly so, she's learned to balance high needs care with a simple and powerful choice of protecting her peace and focusing completely on her family as a homemaker.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: Once a thriving businesswoman and a community leader, Rowena chose to slow down, creating space for advocacy, family dinners, quality time with close family friends, date nights with her husband, and moments of stillness in between the chaos.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: She is a pillar in her community, supporting other moms shining through her creative work in jewelry, perfumes, and her own podcast, Time to Sparkle with Rowena Breakin.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: And now celebrating a milestone, becoming a Canadian citizen this past year.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: From the golden deserts of Abu Dhabi to the lush, rain-soaked coast of British Columbia.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: This is Rowena.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: Hello, Miss Rowena.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Hi, Dave.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome, welcome.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: It's an honor to have you here.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you for having me.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_03: I admire everything you do.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_03: I think you're creating such a wonderful space for women, and I'm so, so honored to be a part of it.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: The honor's mine.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: The reason why we are wearing these beautiful fascinators, there is a story behind this.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: We're celebrating.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: Woo-hoo.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: We're celebrating.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: Our girl just received her Canadian citizenship, and I'm honored that I get to celebrate with you with tea with this beautiful tea set from her village.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: This show is about celebrating our village.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: And you did that just by bringing this beautiful, beautiful set.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm trying not to take it home.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's incredible.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: But the fascinators are really just because we're fancy.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: You brought the fancy in me, the sparkle in me.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: She has a podcast as well.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: And what's this podcast called?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_03: Time to sparkle with Rowena Breakin.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_03: And it's all about celebrating who you are.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_03: We all have something unique.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes we admire the big gestures, but you know, everybody has something.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_03: And I feel it's time to sparkle.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: I already sparkle just sitting beside you.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: I always start my guests off with a little bit of an icebreaker who sits at your table.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_03: First off, it's my family, my big, bubbly, loud family.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_03: I have my four boys.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_03: They are 10 and 7.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_03: And my husband, my wonderful husband.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_03: And then, of course, this table extends.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_03: And I have my village, my community, my girls, my ladies.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_03: I miss my family.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_03: My family live in South Africa.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_03: And sadly, I don't get to enjoy aunties and uncles and grannies.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_03: So, yes, my role as a homemaker is layered.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_03: It's layered.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_03: It's layered.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: I want to know a little bit more about Ruena coming in from the other part of the world and the why behind you coming and choosing Canada to be your home.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: But I do have to clarify one question.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: We consider you an expat.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: What does that mean?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_03: Well, if I speak about being an expat, I cannot forget my previous home.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_03: So I was born in South Africa and raised in the East Coast called Urban.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_03: And when I was 23 years old, I moved to Abu Dhabi.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_03: And in Abu Dhabi, you don't get the honor of becoming a citizen as you do in Canada.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_03: So you are an expat, which is you are a guest in a foreign land.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_03: You don't really have the rights of a citizen in that context, but you can enjoy and you have responsibilities like the citizens do.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_03: So in this context, it means you've come from another place.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_03: You're bringing new layers and experiences and perspectives to a really beautiful, bubbly, diverse land.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: Amazing.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: Now, when you say expat in this context, meaning expat here in Canada or expat in Abu Dhabi.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_03: That example that I gave you was Abu Dhabi.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_03: Abu Dhabi.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_03: Can you share a bit of your understanding or experience of an expat?
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: Now I'm in the hot seat and she's the host of the podcast, which I'm totally okay with.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: I have to tell you, I feel so ignorant.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: And that's why I asked you.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I imagine expat, it's immigration.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: You are in another country and you are a citizen of another, but then you immigrate and then you choose to be a citizen of the one that.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: But that's why I got confused because you were coming in as an expat into Canada, but you are an immigrant.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: An immigrant.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: But you're Canadian before you became a Canada.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_03: How did that be?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_03: So how it works is you come in as a guest.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_03: But you really need an invitation.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_03: So in this context, a PR meaning permanent residency.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_03: You're a resident now.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_03: So you have a card and you can benefit from everything that Canada has to offer.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_03: But you're not technically a citizen.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_03: So it takes a couple of years and you have to be here for a certain amount of time.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_03: Then you can apply for that status.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_03: There's a test, you have to learn all about Canada, the country, the symbols.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_03: There's a lot that you have to know.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_03: Of course, understand the indigenous people and the beauty of that history.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_03: And so we put in our time and You sure did.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_03: You probably know more about Canada than most Canadian citizens.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_03: It was an eight-year journey.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_03: From our first application in Abu Dhabi.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_03: And now we've immigrated and your country has welcomed us with open oil.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_03: Our country.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_03: Our country.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_02: Our country.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: And that's why we're celebrating because we must welcome to your home.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: And thank you for clarifying that.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: Because honestly, I think we hear the word immigrant.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I know immigrant life very well for my parents.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm going to be honest with you, I have never met anyone in my age bracket.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: You're definitely not my age bracket, you're much younger.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: But to make the conscious choice to become Canadian, I've always, I've just taken that for granted because my parents made that decision for us.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I was born here.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: So it's really beautiful to meet someone who can really appreciate our country and our community, know so much about it, and still make that choice to come here.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: But there is a deep meaning to you coming here.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: We'll get into that in a bit.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: I want to know who Rowena is through and through.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: What were some of your passions and interests?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's really a big part of who you are still.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_03: So, yes.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_03: So I was born and raised in Durban, South Africa.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_03: As a little girl, I was always in front of the camera.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_03: I was a child model.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_03: I became a modeling instructor because I didn't really grow tall enough to continue on stage.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_03: We had the skills, and that was beautiful.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_03: I connected with young children and was able to help them to find their confidence and really shine.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_03: It was a time in my life I'll never forget.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_03: That was during the years that I was studying.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_03: And so that was how I kind of made money on the side.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_03: And great job.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_03: Love that.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_03: And I spent a lot of time in the beauty space, makeup counters and perfume counters, and I know we share that as well.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: You love the sparkles.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_03: I love the sparkles, yes.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_03: And then I decided that I want to become a teacher.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_03: I knew that I had this nurturing side, and I somehow communicate seamlessly with most people, but especially children.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_03: You sure do.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_03: They have that innocence which really fills me.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_03: And so I pursued that career.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I love it.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: And this is before you had kids.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: But did you continue teaching when you first had the kids as well?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_03: So when I graduated, I worked in South Africa in a school that was predominantly refugee children.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_03: And then I had a friend.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_03: She came from Dubai and she was telling us that, you know, it's such a wonderful opportunity.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_03: And she said, You're young, you have to go out and explore the world.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_03: It would be such a waste if you were to spend all your time in one place.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_03: Before you have a family, do it.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_03: I really appreciate her for doing that.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_03: And I encourage young girls to take that opportunity before you settle down because there's so much that you can add to your life by just going abroad.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_03: Traveling and seeing every angle of the world.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: So we did the world, yeah.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_03: I had a friend and we moved over to Abu Dhabi, started teaching there, uh, kindergarten, first grade, and I was doing so well.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_03: And I got, I mean, in my field, there's really three promotions.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_03: You know, the head of a grade, deputy head of a school, principal, and then we've got to go into university maybe and be a lecturer.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_03: And so at a young age, I was able to become a coordinator of a grade and met the love of my life in Abu Dhabi.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_03: And how did we meet?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_03: Well, there's my version and then his version.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: Let's hear yours first.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_03: I think we both will agree that we were out with friends.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_03: And in Abu Dhabi, everyone's young.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_03: There's a lot of expats.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_03: That's where people go and they've just established their careers and bumped into each other, and it was just amazing.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_03: I fell in love with that man's mind.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: Oh.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_03: He fell in love with my looks like he had to be like.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, come on.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_03: As you should.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but we spoke for hours and we just headed off.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_03: And within a couple months, we said, let's go to each other's countries.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_03: My husband is from Belarus, which is in Eastern Europe.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_03: So his first language is Russian.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_03: I was the first brown girl he had ever met.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: You represent us well.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: I love it.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's wonderful.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_03: And so, yes, we dated for two years before we got engaged in Abu Dhabi.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_03: Well, and did you start your family right away?
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_03: So we were married for a year and a half.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_03: Funny story.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_03: My maiden name is Christmas.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, is it?
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_03: It sure is.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_03: 25 December.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_03: Why am I not so happy?
• 11:44
  unknown: Love that.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_03: And he popped the question on a trip we were on in Berlin.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_03: It was wonderful.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_03: Around Christmas?
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_03: On Christmas morning.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: It was so special.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, that's kind of amazing.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: So you planned it around that.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'm going to propose to this woman on Christmas.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: And he knows I love Christmas.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: He did Christmas.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: I still do.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I love it.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_03: So every Christmas, that special memory is a part of it.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: We get engaged.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: We start our family.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: But what was the next step?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_03: So engaged, married, and we were not planning a family at all.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, we weren't.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_03: We were not.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_03: We met at 23.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, okay.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_03: You know, two years later.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_03: We were still traveling the world.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_03: We were going all over Europe and just being in love and putting those locks and all those fences and all kinds of things.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_03: He had gotten me a charm for my Pandora bracelet.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah, the bracelet.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_03: And the charm was the Statue of Liberty.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_03: And I still have the charm.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_03: And I still have not gone to New York because Oh, we gotta go to New York.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_03: When I found out that I was pregnant.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, really?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_03: So it was not planned.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_03: We just got pregnant.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_03: And boy, did life change.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: Because within that pregnancy, how many humans came out of you?
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_03: Triplets.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_03: Triplets.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_03: That is, you know, news that I never thought I'd hear a doctor ever tell me.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: Did it run in your family?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_03: Twins.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_03: We have a quite a few twins.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_03: Triplets is a first.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_03: And we, yeah, we have an identical pair and one fraternal boy.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_03: Incredible.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: So that was when we decided, did we put away our teacher hat at this point?
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_03: We were still optimistic.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I was a first-time mom.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_03: You have no idea what to expect.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_03: But I was instantly thrust into the high-risk pregnancy category.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_03: Of course.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_03: And I mean, you cannot imagine the fatigue.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_03: I would just pass out in the classroom.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_03: The kids would leave and I would just curl in my little library and fall asleep.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_03: And I thought, I must be sick.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_03: Off to the doctors, do the tests, all kinds of things.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_03: Long story short.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_03: Ma'am, we think you should consider not working, perhaps.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_03: And I think in Abu Dhabi, they're a bit more confident to tell you such things.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, okay.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, a single mum is not really common there.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_03: It it does exist, but my doctor obviously knew that we were married and asked a few questions and said, if at all possible, it's best that you just take it easy, focus on your pregnancy.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_03: It was a bit of a challenging pregnancy, and that's probably why.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_03: And so before I knew it, uh, from my rising career teaching, I was a stay-at-home mum.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so right from the get-go.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: But you have that creative, beautiful mind of yours.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: Was that while you were pregnant?
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: Was that in the first few years of the babies being toddlers?
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: Or when did we start looking into your own businesses?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_03: I cannot sit still.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_03: I cannot sit still.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_03: I become bored very easily.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_03: So I also have a family who values productivity.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_03: So I've always tried to match my creativity with being productive.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_03: So if I have a fun desire to learn crocheting, I'm gonna learn that crocheting and I'm gonna monetize it.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_03: Monetize everything.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: We're all my life.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's the way to do it.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: So it wasn't a passion project or sweat equity here.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: You became a businesswoman with this crochet beginnings.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like you just started it.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_01: I can do this, I can sell these things.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_03: You know, the thing is when I was younger, we didn't have a lot of money.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, but I wanted to do all the things.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_03: My parents were able to put me through private school, and with that comes a lot of expenses.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_03: And my mom really put it on, you know, our hearts and on our radar to make our own money.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_03: We would always be selling something or other.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_03: And I think that stuck with me.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_03: I don't feel ashamed to make a$10 here and there because everything adds up.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_03: And so, you know, then it becomes really not about the money, but it's just about that sense of accomplishment that you are creating something from within you and just enjoying that process.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_03: So whether it was creating natural products with essential oils, whether it was croching blankets for my children, my neighbors, my friends, perfume samples.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I lived in Dubai and I got to experience the beauty of fragrance there, which is a whole new world.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_03: And so when I left all my goodies and I came over here, I realized there's no way for me to experience that.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_03: So let me share that knowledge with everyone.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_03: I love it.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_03: Became a business.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_03: So it's always something, you know, and I love baking and I have all these South African recipes, and so I just put that out there and I get orders.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_03: So it's seasonal.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's seasonal.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's seasonal, but you are gifting our country, your country, our country, with gifts that, yeah, you're right.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's not something that we can just find easily, and especially bringing your culture here and expanding on that, and then supporting your family.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, contributing to the support.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_03: That's right.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_01: So that that also feeds your soul too.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_03: That's right.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_03: I think as women, we feel that if it's a little, it's not worthy.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_03: And I feel as a wife, whatever you contribute, whether it's time, whether it's money, whether it's your energy, that's your contribution.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_03: And you should be proud of that.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_01: I feel attacked.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: You are in my brain.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_01: I needed to hear that right about now.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_01: Because you're right, if your contribution is small, it it reflects that measurement-wise, but any contribution of love and art and creativity and passion that you put out to the world, you are giving back to the world and to your family.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_03: That's right.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_03: So thank you for saying that.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_03: And the reality of creating beauty is that it makes you happy.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_03: And what does your family need?
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_03: Your family needs you to be happy so that you can function at your best self, your true authentic best self.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: You know, my daughter actually said a few times, I'm not a very I don't really have grumpy days really, but I do.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: I I have moments where I'm definitely not myself.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: And my daughter will go up to me and she'll be like, Mom, you need to start podcasting again.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_01: Because she knows that that's where my happy place is.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, do I love paperwork and like release forms and all that fun stuff?
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_01: No, that's not where my brain isn't, but I know it's part of it.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: True.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: But the second I sit down in this chair behind the mic and I hear stories, this happiness, it just it just bubbles up inside me and I bring it home.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_01: That's it.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_01: So I love how you say that.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: So when I introduced you, I talked about the role of homemaker being at the center.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_01: You are a homemaker through and through, but you also dabble with these businesses at home.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: So I, you know, a lot of women are doing these things, and some give up, you know, the fact that they don't see the return.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: But I love how you open our eyes that there is a return to this.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_01: You come here, and what year was that?
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_01: 2022.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: And you came here with these kids.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: How old were they at this point?
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_01: My kids were seven and four at the time.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: And so that is a huge shift.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: How did they adjust coming to a new country?
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_03: Wow.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_03: You know, children are resilient.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_03: When you live in the Middle East, the summers are really hot.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_03: So you travel more than most would.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_03: Every summer you're somewhere, you're visiting your family back home, or you're on another adventure.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_03: So the kids were quite accustomed to traveling.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_03: And then it's an expat life, meaning expatriates are everywhere.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_03: So they get to meet Australians, South Africans, British.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_03: It's a melting pot.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_03: So in terms of meeting different people, they felt comfortable.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_03: Once they were in the school, they just slipped in.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_03: And we made it fun because what didn't change is our family unit, the our values, the fact that we spend so much time together.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_03: That was constant and that was safe for them.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_03: And so they adjusted well.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_03: They adjusted well.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so let's talk about your parenting style.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: Connected.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: Is it like child led?
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_01: And are there freedoms from their perspective?
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: Or do you have boundaries?
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: Do you have rules?
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_01: How does that work in your home?
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_03: In every home, everybody draws from their own upbringing, their own experience, and even education.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_03: So just because you're raised a certain way doesn't necessarily mean you're going to mimic that.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_03: There are going to be elements of that.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: I know that too.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_03: But there's also those mirrors that you hold to yourself.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_03: For us, we lead with nurture, connection.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_03: We really want the kids to have this a good sense of self-worth, to be able to be reflective.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_03: But we definitely believe in discipline, positive discipline.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_03: We're not talking about punishment.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_03: We're talking about reflecting.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_03: We're talking about having a structure, having boundaries.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_03: Because at the end of the day, when we go into the real world, we need to function well.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_03: And so that comes with a lot of grace, a lot of talking, a lot of listening, but all in the lens of love and acceptance.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_01: But you you are you're creating this safe space for them.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_03: That's right.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_01: Now there is a reason that this is quite necessary as well.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about autism in your family.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_01: And to clarify, it's the twins that have autism.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_01: One is high functioning, one is profound.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_01: Can we kind of clarify?
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I understand, but I think for our listeners and our viewers, profound autism, what are the vast differences between high functioning and profound?
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_03: So the reason autism is considered a spectrum.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_03: It's autism spectrum is that everybody has different needs, different challenges and different abilities.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_03: And I think sometimes we focus on the challenges and we don't really focus on the abilities.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_03: And so with profound uh people and individuals, they often, specifically with autism, have communication needs.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_03: And they very often cannot hold a conversation.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_03: They struggle to express themselves, but not to be confused with understanding.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_03: They definitely understand and so comprehension is there.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_03: Comprehension is there.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_03: But the expression.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_03: And even the comprehension could differ from person to person.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_03: High functioning sometimes is the hero of autism because people feel, you know, the kids have savan skills and it's almost a celebrated.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_03: It's the ones that you see on the television shows.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_03: But both have quite intense challenges.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_01: So and what I'm familiar with with challenges is when you see someone who has uh high functioning autism and visibly they they they look no different from the child next to them.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_01: The expectations of that child.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_01: Well, actually for both.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's very, it's it's it's heartbreaking when you see a child be met with well, that was weird.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_01: So like you said, it's celebrated.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, it's quirky, it's fun, but but sometimes it's met with negativity.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_01: And and that's why I I believe that our role as advocates is essential.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_03: Like you say, for some kids it's it's quite obvious.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_03: And for others, you know, you discover it maybe in the first or second grade, some earlier.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_03: I knew that my kids have challenges because they were triplets, the risk was so high that pregnancy had some challenges.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_03: And my kids were 11 weeks premature, so they were born at 29 weeks.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_03: That's right.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_03: So the risks were even higher.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_03: And being a teacher, I understand child development was part of my degree.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_03: And so I made it my duty to study the steps, the developmental milestones that I should be expecting.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_03: And so I was able to approach it with grace.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_03: And I really am grateful for that.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_03: Because for a lot of people that I've spoken to over the years in different support groups, it was a big tragedy when they discovered they went through so many stages of grief.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_03: And don't get me wrong, it's not easy.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_03: However, I had a longer period of time to accept and understand.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_01: And so you did experience the grief though.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_01: And did it feel like grief at the time?
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_01: I never heard of grief over your child being diagnosed grief as in like you lose the dream that you had for your children.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_01: Did you feel that so deeply?
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_01: And then by the time that you got your next diagnosis, I'm assuming it was later, did you find that that level of grief wasn't as much there, or did it double?
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_01: I can't believe that we're gonna have to face this now, or did you embrace it with open arms?
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_03: You know, if we think about the source of a lot of that grief that some people experience, it often starts with themselves.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_03: We are often people pleasers.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_03: We often want to project a perfect image of our life.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_03: And this gift of having a child who depends on us shines a light on yourself.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_01: It sure does.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_03: Because it's not about you anymore.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_03: And for me, I had three babies.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_03: And for lack of a better description, the odds, there were many options going on, at this, you know, many things happening at the same time.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_03: So I was able to compare them with each other and understand where they needed support, not necessarily to, you know, diagnose who's who and doesn't have what.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_03: I think a lot of the pain for other parents comes when you try to interact with other kids and you see that your child is different.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_03: That is difficult.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_03: And how people respond to that from their own insecurities can make or break your experience socially.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_01: Rowena, I had to put a stop to play dates.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_01: Broke my heart.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a people person.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_01: I love my girls.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_01: I love getting together.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_01: And there's that comparison bias.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_01: There's that fear of what did she do now?
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_01: Or what did we do now?
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I did not want to correct my child.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_01: And at that point, we didn't have a diagnosis.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_01: I just always knew.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_01: But the medical field did not see it right away.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_01: Was this my imagination?
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_01: Is this behavior?
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like what's happening?
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_01: Is it me as a mom?
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_03: And society is just so cruel sometimes.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm sorry we had to experience that.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like they would say to their dad, Oh, how was your playdate?
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, she choked me.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_01: No, my daughter just hugged and didn't know how to adjust her hug.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_03: That's it.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_01: And it broke my heart because once upon a time I corrected that.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_01: I had to show that, well, I'm not gonna be that mom.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_01: You're right, it's the outside forces that really get us.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_03: Because if you look at how you respond to those actions at home, you wouldn't even bother.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_03: We celebrate any word that comes out of their mouth.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_03: 100%.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_03: Another parent says, She choked my kid.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_01: You like, she hugged someone today.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_03: So your lens is completely different.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_01: It is.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_01: And when it's influenced, that's the heartbreak right there.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_01: So I put the end to it because my daughter started, every time I reacted, it wasn't, it wasn't long, but it was enough for it to create an impact on a three-year-old.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_01: She'd be like embarrassed.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what it was, because she wasn't actually responding to the situation.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_01: She didn't know what she did wrong, right?
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_01: It was my tone and my embarrassment.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_01: But then what I did, the correction would happen in front.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_01: There was a little bit of that, like you said, people pleasing.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_01: This is how I should be as a mom, I think.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_01: We're all learning, right?
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_01: And then later I realized, no, no, I'm gonna put her, bring it to the side and talk to her.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, what am I correcting?
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_01: What are we correcting?
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_01: What am I correcting?
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_01: And so I learned to model, like, oh, we're hugging now, or we're holding hands, and then I will show her and we'll just make it more positive.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_01: But it wasn't clicking as quickly.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, we brought it home and I became her playmate for a while.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_01: So you'd make the adjustments because it was peaceful at home.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_01: Did you find that you have to do that?
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_03: You make the adjustments.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you know, your story, you you had that bond with your daughter, which is gold for her.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_01: We used to have tea parties every day after daycare and school.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_03: And I love that so much.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_03: That's what these kids need.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_03: They need the social interaction.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_03: If it means from the adults, why not?
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_03: My boys had each other.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_03: So it was so easy to just get lost in our own little one time.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't have to worry about social.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_03: So you really didn't look for social outlets for them, or we always had somebody who had one child who was looking for quick three friends.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_01: And we still do.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_01: And you go, oh, that's that's awesome.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_03: So we had grace, uh, you know, in that way.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_03: But on the other end, because they're triplets, wherever we went, we were on the public stage.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_03: And people felt they had a right to come up and ask inappropriate questions.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, are you asking about my birth?
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_03: My birth.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_01: And so, you know, goodness.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_01: How do you meet those reactions and questions?
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_03: And you just like, do you humor them or are you like stop?
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_03: Like in the beginning, I would just call it out for what it was.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, okay.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_03: And then I would do the reciprocal odd questions so that they can see that they are inner odd.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_03: I love that.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's hilarious.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's amazing.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_01: It stops them in their tracks.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_03: But people, you know, people don't mean harm, especially with older people.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_03: They're just so excited.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_03: They want to share your joy.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_03: But it was so funny.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_03: Some tourists in Dubai, because of course it's you know, tourist capital, I would just come and like take safes with the kids.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_01: Oh no, no, pictures.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, that's rough.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's too funny.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_01: I I love that you share that because it's absolutely true.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I have to say, when I see triplets, I'm like, wow, because it's not something you see every day.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_01: But they're so they're quite different.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_01: They're quite different size-wise, and like personality-wise, it's different.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, that really stands out.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_01: But I do want to ask you, this is this is I'm curious about this.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_01: Have you heard of the Glass Child Syndrome?
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk a little bit about that.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_01: With your child that does not have any diagnosis, do you feel as siblings there is a reaction to it, a discomfort, or learning to accommodate on their part at a young age?
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_01: Did you find that?
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_03: With the triplets, it wasn't as obvious for the first three years because, you know, everyone's just been silly.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_03: But there comes a time where there are the social expectations.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_03: And right when that happened, we had a fourth child.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my goodness.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_03: So when the triplets were three and a half, we had another child.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_03: So we had four.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_03: And it was a blast.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_03: It was a circus.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's a circus.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_01: I was gonna say, what word would you describe?
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_01: Definitely a circus.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_01: Organized.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_01: Very, very gorgeous circus, but a circus.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_01: Chaos.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, totally.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_01: So many giggles.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_01: So much food.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_01: So much food.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_01: So much laundry.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_03: And so, you know, coming back to the glass child, how did it play out in our scenario?
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, tell me about that.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_03: Second pregnancy was a romance, and the baby had zero drama.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_03: And so, you know, it's so easy for that baby to become the glass child.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_03: More than the one triplet who, you know, maybe doesn't have as much needs.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_03: And so as he grew up, became much more social.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_03: He gained a lot of the verbal communication skills that his brothers didn't have.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_03: So they were almost the same age, but he even being more mature.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_03: And so the challenge in that is we want them to love their sibling with needs, but they are just trying to live their life.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_03: And you're like, but one day when I'm gone, it'll just be you.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_03: You can't say that.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_03: But you really want them to love.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_03: And so that was something that I was so concerned about.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_03: How would I instill that desire to be your brother's keeper without putting that pressure of parentifying the child?
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_01: So that's a challenge in itself.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_01: How many years did that take to like really get to a point where it's okay now, it's all accepted.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone knows the rules.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_01: No, we're not there.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_01: You're not there.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_03: It's a work in progress because as they develop and mature, it's only through different scenarios and experiences that they realize how they could do it differently.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_03: And when it happens again, oh, maybe I should be kinder.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe I need to be a bit more patient.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_03: But I see it as a gift.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_03: What a gift these children have to spend a day and spend their whole childhood with a child who has no inhibitions, just enjoys and embraces the world.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I love that.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_01: You're so right.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_01: My glass child is seven years younger.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_01: And the compassion, uh, it's so funny.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_01: I have pictures of speaking of joking, my my daughter.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_01: There's every picture since he was a baby, was him kind of like and then her kind of like she was so happy hugging him.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_01: They call that the cute aggression syndrome, and I just call it cute.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_01: So we have to adjust the armhold and whatever, but she's just full bliss mode when she's with him, even to this day.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_01: And she's a teen now, and he's off running from her, but at the end of the day, he loves being with her and he teaches her boundaries.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_01: But when he goes to school, he's the one who plays with a child who, you know, might not have all the friends at that moment.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_01: There's just this compassion that's built in.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_01: He was born into this world where he has to be compassionate.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_01: And we are caregivers for my parents.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I always feel so guilty.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'm not giving you the attention.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_01: You're the glass grandchild now.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_01: Because you can function with ease.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_01: You can read on your own.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_01: You don't need me in my brain.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_01: I don't say that.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, you can kind of do it independently, and there's so much guilt there.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_01: And then I see him holding Grammy's hand without, oh Grammy, I'll get that for you.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_01: The compassion, the empathy, and then teaching his sister.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_01: And not that she needs the teaching, but modeling it.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_01: And then it's just like, well, if you're gonna do it, I'm gonna do it.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's how she learns.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_03: That's good.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_03: And that's what I mean, children don't listen to what we say, they watch what we do.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_03: Us giving them a daily dose of loving compassion is the best, the best form of modeling they could ever receive.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and we don't even have to always be the one showing it because they show each other.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_01: That's it.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_01: Well, that's the gift having four.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_01: You're seeing the whole gamut of, yeah, I love it so much.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_01: I hundred percent went off script because your story alone is just what I came here for.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_01: And we do talk about the mental load of parenting here in this in this season.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_01: We're talking about the mental load, and you're talking about the realities.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_01: And there is a load there because we are talking about their the needs and having to balance and this and that and the choices.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_01: But we're not talking as much about the struggles, the hard times for mama.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_01: And we don't have to dig deep into that, but I want to know how you cope when you have those days.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_01: And the choice of making homemaker as your role, the main role being at home.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember we talked about this when we first met.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_01: When we first met, it was like meeting my twin, my twin.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_01: Speaking of identical, we sat down.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_01: One of your best friends' name is Rowena?
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_01: One of your best friends named Debbie.
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_01: We had all these comparisons.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_01: The fact that I found my people when I'm talking to you, finding someone who loves her family so fiercely, but also loves creativity and who wants to provide, but also wants to create, finding that balance, right?
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_01: I am tired of just freebies and doing things just for passion.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_01: Do I want to be able to feel rewarded and I can give it to my kids and we could share a meal together?
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_01: And like those things are important too.
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_01: What are some of the tools and resources and coping that you did when times weren't so easy?
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_03: So for me, my struggles have come in waves.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_03: Different stages have brought on different levels of intense worry.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_03: Definitely a worry.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_03: When they were little, the physical load of having to care for three babies.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_03: The lifting, the putting down.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I'm even not even thinking about that.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 35:45
  SPEAKER_01: What do you do with these three baskets?
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_03: And the pressure of providing milk to all of these babies.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my gosh, I forgot about that too.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_01: How did this happen?
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_03: I'll tell you, in Abu Dhabi, it is possible to have help.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_03: And we had the opportunity to have a live-in helper.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, wonderful.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_03: Um, which was our nanny.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_03: The first one was not successful.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_03: She did not cope.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_03: She could not cope.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_03: And in my opinion, I made it real easy for her.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_03: She didn't even wake up at night.
• 36:15
  unknown: Oh no.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_03: But that made me realize, you know, the strength of a mother and what we can do with 20 minutes of sleep.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_03: I learned to survive on 20-minute naps.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_03: And during that season, I would walk.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_03: I would put those babies in those tools and just walk them everywhere.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_03: But I had to play it by ear with the naps, and it was a whole big production.
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_03: So they didn't always nap at the same time.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_03: You had to play with it?
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_03: I did.
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_03: I made them, you know, incredible.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_03: Follow the same schedule.
• 36:47
  SPEAKER_03: So that's how I survived.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_03: But back then.
• 36:49
  unknown: Yes.
• 36:50
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
• 36:51
  SPEAKER_03: But it was very isolating.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_03: And every mother knows that newborn phase when you are just knee deep in motherhood.
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_03: And so I created Mama Unicorns, which was a platform that was space, an online space where I gathered all of the isolated moms and we would do online.
• 37:14
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, this was all online.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_03: We would do online mask Mondays and tea parties, and we would just pick a time, plug it in the calendar, and just send a picture of us committing to have some self-care moments.
• 37:26
  SPEAKER_03: So that was really the first part of what later became Time to Sparkle with Rowena Breakin.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, I love that.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_03: Reach out to community.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_03: You cannot stay isolated.
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_03: Your mental health depends on you connecting your nervous system with someone else.
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_01: 100%.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_01: We have to be each other's safe.
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_01: Safe nervous system.
• 37:47
  SPEAKER_03: And as they got older, and then we moved over, I didn't have help.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_03: And I haven't had help for all these years.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_03: So it's a team effort.
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_03: My husband is on the ball.
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_03: There are no gender roles, and you can't do that.
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_03: And I mean, I mow the lawn.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_03: He can cook dinner.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_03: We just we fill in the gaps.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_03: I have learned to love my garden.
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_03: I love flowers.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_03: I feel like it's nature, nature therapy.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_03: That's your fifth baby.
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's your fifth baby.
• 38:17
  SPEAKER_01: I love it.
• 38:17
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_03: And more than anything, I love my front yard to be gorgeous.
• 38:21
  SPEAKER_03: And when I sit there and people will walk by and start talking, and everybody has something to say.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_03: And it's become this little sanctuary place in our street where I can pour in and everybody can receive from the beauty of the flowers.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_01: I am going to sit at that lawn.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, who's that crazy lady?
• 38:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'm new to the garden.
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm new to the community.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'm here.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_01: I love beautiful things as well.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have as much of a green thumb.
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_03: This is a not everybody, you know, I wasn't born that way.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_03: I literally went online and learned.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you taught yourself.
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_03: And that's, I love learning new things.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_03: I'm obsessed about learning new things.
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_03: And so the plants are different here.
• 38:59
  SPEAKER_03: And it was a whole big adventure.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_03: And then I was like, I cannot contain this beauty.
• 39:03
  SPEAKER_03: Let me paint it.
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_03: So I started painting.
• 39:06
  SPEAKER_03: I am trying really hard not to diagnose you right now.
• 39:09
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, no, near a spicy all the way.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_03: All the way.
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_03: I love that.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_03: I think that having kids on the spectrum definitely holds a mirror to yourself.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_01: It really does, doesn't it?
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_03: And you know, and we have to think what is the purpose of getting that diagnosis?
• 39:22
  SPEAKER_03: To get support and services.
• 39:24
  SPEAKER_03: And so I feel if we see the signs, we should get some help.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_03: Are we going to therapy?
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_03: Are we getting our bodies in order?
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_03: Are we eating healthy?
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_03: Are we getting enough sleep?
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_03: Are we taking our vitamins?
• 39:37
  SPEAKER_03: And I just turned 40.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm really learning that my body cannot function on that full on survival mode that I was in when the 10-year-olds were babies.
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_01: Fight or flight, not good.
• 39:49
  SPEAKER_01: Not good.
• 39:49
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_01: I love that you really advocate for seeking support, delegation, community support, friendships, like even online.
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_01: And then your garden is your own therapy as well.
• 40:02
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_03: I believe that we have layers to us.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_03: And on my soul level, I needed to find a community there as well, because I feel like that was my foundation.
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_03: And so I joined women's groups at our local church.
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_03: And those some of those friendships I still enjoy to this day.
• 40:23
  SPEAKER_03: I've lost some of those women to cancer and other diagnosis.
• 40:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry to hear that.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_03: And that changes you too.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_03: You really learn to appreciate life.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_03: You don't take yourself so seriously.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 40:36
  SPEAKER_03: But you also don't want to just drag yourself through life.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_03: We need to live with intention and feel worthy to do so.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_01: And we need to wear fascinators too.
• 40:45
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 40:47
  SPEAKER_01: I love this because you brought this.
• 40:49
  SPEAKER_01: I have to just say on the side that it was this wonderful woman that brought this fascinator in here.
• 40:54
  SPEAKER_01: And she decided to match my brand, my my jacket.
• 40:58
  SPEAKER_01: And and I never even thought about it, but I love fascinators.
• 41:01
  SPEAKER_01: I haven't worn one in years.
• 41:04
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, Do you want to do this for fun?
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_01: For fun.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_01: I want to, I want to live in this thing.
• 41:09
  SPEAKER_01: What are you talking about?
• 41:10
  SPEAKER_01: But I never even thought of wearing it here and to celebrate.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_01: I think doing things just so uniquely ourselves and celebrating being able to not take life so seriously.
• 41:21
  SPEAKER_01: Because everything else is serious.
• 41:22
  SPEAKER_01: Filling out 10 pages of special accommodations at school, that's that's serious.
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_01: So much work.
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_01: Bringing our child when they're having a really hard day, three hours of co-regulating.
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's serious.
• 41:35
  SPEAKER_03: We need to have fun.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_03: Have to find the joy.
• 41:38
  SPEAKER_03: We have to find the joy.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_03: Because whether we're going to doctor's appointments, therapy sessions, driving up and down, being on standby for if your child's having a meltdown in school, those things can really weigh down on us.
• 41:50
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah.
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_03: And we have to look at the chapter we are in in our lives and find the beauty.
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_03: I never in a million years thought that I would leave my teaching career and be home.
• 42:02
  SPEAKER_03: But I've learned to truly value the role of a homemaker and creating an atmosphere of peace and love in your home and finding cute little ways, whether it's Christmas, whether it's elf on the shelf or angel on the couch.
• 42:16
  SPEAKER_01: Angel on the couch, yeah.
• 42:18
  SPEAKER_01: Love that.
• 42:19
  SPEAKER_03: So yes, I agree.
• 42:20
  SPEAKER_03: Beauty is everything.
• 42:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you're absolutely right.
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, though I I find little creative for me, it's dressing up for Halloween.
• 42:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's our way to just pretend as a family in a thematic way, because it's always thematic.
• 42:31
  SPEAKER_01: To just not have our everyday all the time.
• 42:34
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's heavy.
• 42:35
  SPEAKER_01: We have a lot of heavy stuff, and it's not just the needs, it's our circumstances sometimes.
• 42:38
  SPEAKER_01: And to just get away for a second and wear something crazy and a green wig and all this.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_01: And it does bring us to another place.
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that creativity and having fun is it's key.
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's magic right there.
• 42:50
  SPEAKER_01: I have to ask you to bottle up one motherhood moment, thought, sentiment, emotion, but moment that sums up parenthood and motherhood for you.
• 43:03
  SPEAKER_01: What would that be?
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_03: The moment my kids were born, all four of them, but the one that stands out for me the most is the sound of the first cry.
• 43:16
  SPEAKER_03: Because that is a moment you realize that you have brought life into this world.
• 43:20
  SPEAKER_03: And there's something about your heart that cracks opened, and you understand in that moment that for the rest of your life, you are devoted to giving that child happiness and showing them their worth.
• 43:34
  SPEAKER_03: And so for me, that cry, it stays with you.
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sure if you any mother closes their eyes, you can hear that first cry.
• 43:41
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 43:42
  SPEAKER_03: So yeah, just think selfless.
• 43:44
  SPEAKER_03: That's a selfless moment where you're just going to give.
• 43:47
  SPEAKER_03: But again, you cannot give from an empty cup.
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_03: So if I know that I have to give, what am I doing to fill myself?
• 43:53
  SPEAKER_01: To fill your own cup first.
• 43:55
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_01: That's why you have so much in that cup to pour, because you do.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_01: Prioritize, you know, and ensuring that your nervous system, your peace is protected.
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_01: And then so when you hear that first cry, it's like music to your ears instead of instead of fear or anxiety, it's Yes.
• 44:13
  SPEAKER_03: And you only get it once you go through that low time.
• 44:17
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I know what it feels like to be completely lost, to be overwhelmed, to be burnt out, to be done.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_03: And it's like, well, well, what next?
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_03: Nobody's coming.
• 44:27
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 44:27
  SPEAKER_03: You know, and I don't have the luxury of family around me.
• 44:30
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm responsible for that.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_03: And even if you do have your family around you, you are responsible for your happiness.
• 44:35
  SPEAKER_03: You cannot put that on your spouse.
• 44:37
  SPEAKER_03: 100%, your kids.
• 44:40
  SPEAKER_01: We have to do that.
• 44:41
  SPEAKER_01: We have to do that.
• 44:42
  SPEAKER_01: And then making the choice, the conscious choice to connect to the community.
• 44:45
  SPEAKER_01: That's still you, but then you're drawing from that community and and and drawing from your kids' energy by welcoming it instead of dreading it or instead of still your choice though, yeah.
• 44:57
  SPEAKER_03: I do want to make a note about stretching ourselves then.
• 45:01
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 45:02
  SPEAKER_03: Because as much as we want to add these layers to ourselves and it makes us so interesting.
• 45:06
  SPEAKER_03: You have to understand your capacity.
• 45:08
  SPEAKER_03: And I think as we grow older, as we learn more things, our capacity expands and we add facets to our diamonds.
• 45:15
  SPEAKER_03: But I think you have to be able to say no.
• 45:17
  SPEAKER_03: No is a no is an answer.
• 45:20
  SPEAKER_00: Oh wow.
• 45:20
  SPEAKER_03: No is an answer.
• 45:21
  SPEAKER_03: Why do we feel sentence?
• 45:23
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 45:24
  SPEAKER_03: No is a full sentence.
• 45:25
  SPEAKER_03: It really is.
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_03: Why do we feel that we have to explain?
• 45:29
  SPEAKER_01: Do we think we're not worthy of just protecting our and it's seen as selfish in some in some ways, and you feel like I have to overexplain, I have to go into these long explanations.
• 45:41
  SPEAKER_01: You're so right.
• 45:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's no is a complete answer.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 45:45
  SPEAKER_03: We cannot be pleased in the world.
• 45:46
  SPEAKER_01: And you don't have to justify it to everyone.
• 45:48
  SPEAKER_03: Not at all.
• 45:49
  SPEAKER_03: And so there's so many times that people have approached me.
• 45:51
  SPEAKER_03: And you know, people see, people see you larger than you see yourself often.
• 45:55
  SPEAKER_03: And it's a beautiful thing.
• 45:57
  SPEAKER_03: We have to understand our limits so that we are not dishonoring our commitments to people.
• 46:02
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 46:02
  SPEAKER_01: Saying yes, you feel like you're dishonoring your friends, but it's worse to overcommit and then underperform and under true.
• 46:12
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 46:12
  SPEAKER_03: That also speaks to a very important thing about friends.
• 46:16
  SPEAKER_03: Let us just talk about friends.
• 46:18
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 46:19
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes you gotta let it go.
• 46:20
  SPEAKER_03: And when you feel it in your gut, you know, you already know.
• 46:24
  SPEAKER_03: You know, we have to walk away.
• 46:26
  SPEAKER_03: We cannot be surrounded by toxic relationships.
• 46:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and to be okay with ending relationship that's seasonal.
• 46:33
  SPEAKER_01: And it's okay to have people in your life in certain seasons.
• 46:36
  SPEAKER_03: And we let them go with love.
• 46:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 46:38
  SPEAKER_03: Because when you let them go, you create a space for something beautiful to come in.
• 46:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, 100%.
• 46:43
  SPEAKER_01: And and you're creating that memory that you played a wonderful role in my life, I played in yours, and it's not really there anymore.
• 46:51
  SPEAKER_01: And it's okay.
• 46:52
  SPEAKER_03: That's right.
• 46:52
  SPEAKER_01: Give ourselves grace.
• 46:54
  SPEAKER_01: I love that too.
• 46:55
  SPEAKER_01: Because this mentality of pleasing everyone that could be very damaging to ourselves.
• 46:59
  SPEAKER_03: Especially when you're talking about a family with neurodiversity.
• 47:04
  SPEAKER_03: You absolutely have to have friends who understand that.
• 47:07
  SPEAKER_03: And I would dare say friends who are willing to go and learn more.
• 47:11
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 47:11
  SPEAKER_03: Go and take the time to study, get literature, and offer some true support.
• 47:17
  SPEAKER_01: We have so many resources.
• 47:18
  SPEAKER_01: You just click a button these days.
• 47:20
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 47:21
  SPEAKER_01: I've I have beautiful, beautiful friends that I grew up with.
• 47:24
  SPEAKER_01: They don't get to see my challenges at home.
• 47:26
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to say challenges, but you know, the reality, like why I can't always be on the phone and I can't, you know, connect.
• 47:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I always apologize.
• 47:34
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know, don't apologize.
• 47:35
  SPEAKER_01: We get it.
• 47:36
  SPEAKER_01: And uh they go online and they learn more about autism.
• 47:40
  SPEAKER_01: And they and one even joined, this is well, she calls herself Rowenna, but so I'm trying really hard not to call you Rowanna.
• 47:47
  SPEAKER_01: But she actually joined the autism network in her city.
• 47:52
  SPEAKER_03: Wow.
• 47:52
  SPEAKER_03: In honor of my daughter.
• 47:55
  SPEAKER_03: That's a friend.
• 47:56
  SPEAKER_03: I love friends like that.
• 47:58
  SPEAKER_03: And those are the people you know that you can trust because that's one of the hardest things for us.
• 48:03
  SPEAKER_03: We are burnt out because we cannot trust anyone.
• 48:06
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody else has the luxury of sending the kid over for a play date and you catch two hours, you know, while they're at a birthday party.
• 48:12
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 48:12
  SPEAKER_03: We are 24-7.
• 48:13
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 48:14
  SPEAKER_03: So if you have friends that you can trust, is even if it's just two hours, 100%.
• 48:20
  SPEAKER_01: Is life.
• 48:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like yesterday was really a tough production day.
• 48:22
  SPEAKER_01: I've lost my voice, if you haven't noticed.
• 48:24
  SPEAKER_01: I found it difficult to find someone I could say, hey, come with me.
• 48:28
  SPEAKER_01: I can't do this alone this particular day.
• 48:30
  SPEAKER_01: Because my husband usually takes the role of assisting, you get a little taste of how he, you know, he he does support and serve and pull a cart.
• 48:37
  SPEAKER_01: And then I called on my friend and I just said, You'd want to hang out with me.
• 48:42
  SPEAKER_01: And wouldn't you know she comes here and she's the one like doing my hair, sewing something on my pants?
• 48:47
  SPEAKER_01: And that's not what the plan was.
• 48:49
  SPEAKER_01: But she just immediately went into this humble servant mode where she's like, I'm just gonna support you and you just tell me what to do.
• 48:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, no, no, I just want you for emotional support.
• 48:58
  SPEAKER_01: No, you need me to sew this so that you can do your makeup.
• 49:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 49:02
  SPEAKER_01: Let me be practical.
• 49:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, whoa, I might be replacing uh George with you because George is not gonna be sewing any buttons on my pads.
• 49:08
  SPEAKER_01: But it was just incredible to be able to lean on the village, and I think that's really important and the right village.
• 49:13
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 49:14
  SPEAKER_01: So I think that's amazing.
• 49:15
  SPEAKER_01: Now we're just gonna take it to another level of speed, and we're gonna call this the fast round spill that sounds because we're talking about spilling the tea and to get to know Rowena.
• 49:25
  SPEAKER_01: Just one last chance here to get to know you with a quick round where you just have to tell me the first word that pops up when I ask you the question.
• 49:32
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, are you ready?
• 49:33
  SPEAKER_01: Let's go.
• 49:34
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, one word to describe your parenting style right now.
• 49:39
  SPEAKER_03: Talk.
• 49:40
  SPEAKER_01: Talk.
• 49:41
  SPEAKER_03: A lot of talk.
• 49:42
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of talk.
• 49:44
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 49:45
  SPEAKER_03: I need to hear these kids.
• 49:48
  SPEAKER_03: I need to hear their hearts so that I can establish the routine of just sharing.
• 49:55
  SPEAKER_01: So you can yeah, so you can get them the connection piece.
• 49:57
  SPEAKER_03: The only way that we can understand.
• 49:58
  SPEAKER_01: Love it.
• 49:59
  SPEAKER_01: What is a parenting hack you swear by?
• 50:02
  SPEAKER_03: Oh.
• 50:03
  SPEAKER_03: Just one.
• 50:05
  SPEAKER_03: And it has to be the one.
• 50:07
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I'd have to say organization.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 50:11
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 50:11
  SPEAKER_03: Everything is type A organized.
• 50:14
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 50:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm coming to your house for some lessons.
• 50:16
  SPEAKER_01: This is where the teacher comes up.
• 50:17
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 50:18
  SPEAKER_01: Do you have matching bins and stuff?
• 50:20
  SPEAKER_01: Do you have all that stuff?
• 50:20
  SPEAKER_03: Names on bins.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_03: We're living out of a cupboard of bins.
• 50:25
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I love that.
• 50:26
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 50:27
  SPEAKER_01: I can't always achieve that, but I have a little version of that, but it always gets messed up.
• 50:30
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta fix that.
• 50:30
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta come over and help me out with that.
• 50:32
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 50:33
  SPEAKER_01: One thing you've learned to let go of.
• 50:36
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, people pleasing.
• 50:39
  SPEAKER_01: Fast.
• 50:40
  SPEAKER_01: Immediately.
• 50:42
  SPEAKER_01: Immediately.
• 50:43
  SPEAKER_01: Because that was a big one for you.
• 50:44
  SPEAKER_03: Mental load.
• 50:46
  SPEAKER_03: Overload.
• 50:47
  SPEAKER_03: Mental overload.
• 50:50
  SPEAKER_01: We gotta go for coffee after this.
• 50:52
  SPEAKER_01: What would be in your go-to bag if you were stranded on an island with all four of your boys and your wonderful man?
• 51:00
  SPEAKER_01: What would be in your go-to bag?
• 51:02
  SPEAKER_01: Let's add your village in there, your besties, right?
• 51:05
  SPEAKER_01: The aunties.
• 51:06
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 51:07
  SPEAKER_01: You can only bring one thing.
• 51:08
  SPEAKER_01: What would that be in your go-to bag?
• 51:10
  SPEAKER_01: One thing.
• 51:11
  SPEAKER_03: A perfume.
• 51:11
  SPEAKER_01: Oh stop it.
• 51:14
  SPEAKER_03: Bottle of perfume.
• 51:16
  SPEAKER_01: Get okay.
• 51:17
  SPEAKER_01: And for those who can't be here with the uh with the the sense of smell that I get to have the pleasure of, she smells amazing.
• 51:24
  SPEAKER_01: So you say perfume over a first aid kit.
• 51:29
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 51:29
  SPEAKER_01: Over food.
• 51:30
  SPEAKER_01: Perfume.
• 51:31
  SPEAKER_03: I might not make it.
• 51:32
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna I need to go down smelling amazing.
• 51:34
  SPEAKER_01: Smelling good, right?
• 51:35
  SPEAKER_01: Come on.
• 51:36
  SPEAKER_01: When they find you, they'll be like, oh, this is Rolina.
• 51:39
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 51:39
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, in all fairness, you could feed yourself on this island.
• 51:42
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't say there wasn't food there to, you know, forage.
• 51:46
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
• 51:46
  SPEAKER_03: There's so much you can do with perfume.
• 51:47
  SPEAKER_03: That's glass, there's a bit of poison, smell amazing.
• 51:50
  SPEAKER_03: You can find me tracking device.
• 51:53
  SPEAKER_01: For the search parties out there, please know she's making life easier for you.
• 51:57
  SPEAKER_03: Start a fire.
• 51:59
  SPEAKER_01: The possibilities are in there.
• 52:00
  SPEAKER_01: Perfumes.
• 52:01
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh.
• 52:02
  SPEAKER_01: I love it.
• 52:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna be stuck in when I live with you, that's for sure.
• 52:05
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I have a scenario, and I want you to answer very honestly.
• 52:09
  SPEAKER_01: Are you ready?
• 52:10
  SPEAKER_01: You are hosting a mom, dinner, coffee, a circle in your living room, your beautiful living room.
• 52:19
  SPEAKER_01: Let's say your garden.
• 52:20
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 52:21
  SPEAKER_01: One of your triplets is melting down.
• 52:23
  SPEAKER_01: Another one is tugging at your jewelry, you know, and wants to play with it.
• 52:26
  SPEAKER_01: Or maybe one of your little ones is like, I'm gonna go on the computer.
• 52:29
  SPEAKER_01: I want to play digital time.
• 52:30
  SPEAKER_01: So there's lots of like stimulation.
• 52:33
  SPEAKER_01: And then you have another friend.
• 52:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm struggling.
• 52:35
  SPEAKER_01: Come talk to me privately.
• 52:37
  SPEAKER_01: Another, because I know how you accommodate to your friends, right?
• 52:39
  SPEAKER_01: You do.
• 52:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 52:40
  SPEAKER_01: And you got something on your stove.
• 52:42
  SPEAKER_01: You're baking something for these girls.
• 52:44
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 52:45
  SPEAKER_01: Starting to burn a little bit.
• 52:46
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, what's your go-to?
• 52:48
  SPEAKER_01: Where are you going first?
• 52:49
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my.
• 52:49
  SPEAKER_03: Immediately the burn like Okay, we gotta go to We can't start a fire.
• 52:55
  SPEAKER_03: Once that's taken care of, it has to be my kids.
• 52:58
  SPEAKER_01: And the kids.
• 52:59
  SPEAKER_01: Kids over.
• 53:00
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 53:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'll remember not to have a meltdown in your house when I can visit them.
• 53:05
  SPEAKER_03: You gotta make sure that they're at peace because if they have a meltdown, that's gonna trump my friend's meltdown immediately.
• 53:12
  SPEAKER_01: This is true.
• 53:13
  SPEAKER_01: I think I'll keep everyone at peace when we can, you know, co-regulate with our kids first.
• 53:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's hard to co-regulate with an adult.
• 53:20
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 53:20
  SPEAKER_03: But you know, that's such a great example because that's the metaphor for everything.
• 53:24
  SPEAKER_01: It is safety.
• 53:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 53:26
  SPEAKER_01: Kids and then safety family and then everyone else.
• 53:29
  SPEAKER_01: I love that so much because it is easy to just kind of say, at that point, I I probably, this is my honest answer, I would delegate someone, not the one crying, but I'd go, uh, friend A, can you go get that stove?
• 53:42
  SPEAKER_03: That's way smarter.
• 53:44
  SPEAKER_01: Well, maybe but I am motivated by noise and panic.
• 53:48
  SPEAKER_01: And so I would panic first.
• 53:50
  SPEAKER_01: You sound like you would handle it very calmly.
• 53:52
  unknown: Oh, yeah.
• 53:53
  SPEAKER_01: And you would go and you'd peacefully grab the kids and say, Let's settle this down.
• 53:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I feel I hear that often.
• 53:59
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 54:00
  SPEAKER_03: I have this calmness.
• 54:01
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you do.
• 54:02
  SPEAKER_03: And I think it's maybe partly teaching because you really can't lose your mind on somebody else's kids.
• 54:06
  SPEAKER_03: This is true.
• 54:08
  SPEAKER_03: Even if we'd want to, we don't.
• 54:09
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 54:10
  SPEAKER_03: And yeah, the response isn't always immediate, but calm always brings calm.
• 54:14
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 54:15
  SPEAKER_01: So, Miss Calm, Miss Unicorn, Miss Sparkle, where can we find you?
• 54:19
  SPEAKER_01: Where can our viewers and our listeners find you?
• 54:21
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I have been in hibernation for a couple of years trying to get this citizenship in order.
• 54:29
  SPEAKER_03: But thanks to you, you have reminded me of all the wonderful things that I have to offer.
• 54:36
  SPEAKER_03: Thanks to me.
• 54:37
  SPEAKER_03: And now that I have this beautiful passport in this beautiful country, I am ready to shine and share and participate in all the things.
• 54:45
  SPEAKER_03: So I am on YouTube, Time to Sparkle with Rena Breakin.
• 54:49
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 54:49
  SPEAKER_03: This is my interview platform.
• 54:51
  SPEAKER_03: I'm also Mama Breakin on Instagram where I just share my family joy.
• 54:56
  SPEAKER_03: My hope is that if ever they say you're a bad mama, I'll be like, Click on this link.
• 55:00
  SPEAKER_03: There you go.
• 55:01
  SPEAKER_03: You had a great life.
• 55:02
  SPEAKER_03: No, kidding.
• 55:03
  SPEAKER_03: It's just wonderful to remember.
• 55:05
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I love that.
• 55:06
  SPEAKER_03: And then I do my perfumes on TikTok and I'm everywhere.
• 55:10
  SPEAKER_03: You're everywhere.
• 55:11
  SPEAKER_01: You really are.
• 55:12
  SPEAKER_01: She's global.
• 55:13
  SPEAKER_01: Come on.
• 55:14
  SPEAKER_01: I love it.
• 55:15
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much for sharing.
• 55:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I just want to thank you for coming on here.
• 55:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm very humbled by your vulnerability, your honesty with everything that goes on with having multiples and choosing a life that's focused on home.
• 55:29
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 55:30
  SPEAKER_01: There's always like a striving for this, striving for this.
• 55:32
  SPEAKER_01: You're really centered.
• 55:34
  SPEAKER_01: You've reminded me that I made the right decision as well.
• 55:36
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 55:37
  SPEAKER_01: And whatever contributions we make is a fair contribution.
• 55:40
  SPEAKER_03: That's right.
• 55:41
  SPEAKER_01: And to give ourselves grace.
• 55:43
  SPEAKER_01: You're holding a mirror on to me as well.
• 55:45
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you for that.
• 55:46
  SPEAKER_03: It's my pleasure.
• 55:47
  SPEAKER_01: So we're not gonna cheers uh technically because we can't do that.
• 55:51
  SPEAKER_01: We are going to just lift our glasses.
• 55:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm just gonna say, okay, what's the proper way to do this?
• 55:57
  SPEAKER_01: For those of you who are listening, we're lifting our teacups, and you'll hear the clinking.
• 56:02
  SPEAKER_01: And we're just going to would do cheers when you do tea.
• 56:06
  SPEAKER_01: Is that not etiquette?
• 56:07
  SPEAKER_03: Not necessarily.
• 56:08
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, you do what you want to do, but for me, I like to do a little nod.
• 56:11
  SPEAKER_03: Nod?
• 56:12
  SPEAKER_03: And then sit and sit.
• 56:14
  SPEAKER_03: That's it.
• 56:15
  SPEAKER_01: No pinkies.
• 56:17
  SPEAKER_01: Did you hear that?
• 56:18
  SPEAKER_01: No pinkies.
• 56:19
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 56:20
  SPEAKER_01: I almost put my pinky up.
• 56:21
  SPEAKER_01: My pinky was dying to come up.
• 56:23
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, etiquette is a whole new world.
• 56:25
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to do this as a celebration for you entering this country and entering our lives.
• 56:32
  SPEAKER_01: And uh, you and your family have brought a gift over, not just sharing, you know, parts of your culture, but just sharing you and motherhood and and like opening that space for the rest of us to join in.
• 56:43
  SPEAKER_01: I expect that to be not a thing of the past.
• 56:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna be something I'm gonna click on right now.
• 56:48
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm very excited, please follow this wonderful woman.
• 56:51
  SPEAKER_01: And for those mothers and fathers out there, caregivers who are really just trying to make decisions to focus on family at home, do it.
• 57:00
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I would just like to say, just to remind everyone, you know, we are not given a choice to the life we have.
• 57:06
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 57:07
  SPEAKER_03: The family.
• 57:08
  SPEAKER_03: We you can choose your spouse, so choose wisely.
• 57:11
  SPEAKER_03: But we do have a choice on how we respond to that.
• 57:14
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 57:15
  SPEAKER_03: And the space we create for our families.
• 57:17
  SPEAKER_03: And so whatever circumstances led you to being a stay-home mom, the most wonderful job in the world.
• 57:25
  SPEAKER_03: It really is.
• 57:26
  SPEAKER_03: It's a great job.
• 57:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 57:28
  SPEAKER_01: Own that job.
• 57:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 57:30
  SPEAKER_01: That is a job and own it, absolutely.
• 57:32
  SPEAKER_01: So for you parents out there who are trying to make this decision about being home with our families and prioritizing our peace, prior, prioritizing your children's needs and being there right in the front row.
• 57:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 57:46
  SPEAKER_01: The front row of your own life, right?
• 57:49
  SPEAKER_01: We hear you, we see you.
• 57:51
  SPEAKER_01: You are not alone, obviously.
• 57:53
  SPEAKER_02: You are never alone.
• 57:54
  SPEAKER_01: This is from every part of the globe.
• 57:57
  SPEAKER_01: So we welcome you with open arms.
• 57:59
  SPEAKER_01: We're making space for you.
• 58:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I thank you for joining us here on Sassin Small Talk, the mental load of parenthood, because it takes a village to raise a child and a community to raise their parent.
• 58:09
  SPEAKER_01: We'll see you on the next episode of Sassin Small Talk.
• 58:12
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.
• 58:13
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.
• 58:16
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh.
• 58:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna hug you.
• 58:19
  SPEAKER_01: I love you.
• 58:20
  SPEAKER_01: You are just amazing.
• 58:21
  SPEAKER_01: I can't believe it.
• 58:23
  unknown: Oh my god.
• 58:24
  unknown: Okay, thank you for having me.
• 58:26
  SPEAKER_03: I've had so many blenders.
• 58:27
  SPEAKER_03: That's what I do in my show.