Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 6, Season 1: Understanding How You Want to be Loved Through Your Attachment Style

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Episode 6, Season 1: Understanding How You Want to be Loved Through Your Attachment Style · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

0:09
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Doc podcast. I'm your co host
0:12
Speaker 1: Ryana Butcher here with our host, doctor Sarah Hensley, the
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Speaker 1: owner and CEO of The Dating Decoder. Hi. Hi, doctor Hensley.
0:20
Speaker 1: Tell the people just a little bit about yourself.
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Speaker 2: I am a specialized social psychologist who's been studying the
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Speaker 2: science of attraction and attachment inside romantic relationships for over
0:31
Speaker 2: fifteen years.
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Speaker 1: Yes, and in case you're wondering, she runs a relationship
0:36
Speaker 1: coaching business called The Dating Decoder where she has multiple services,
0:40
Speaker 1: So go check that out. So episode six today, Yes,
0:45
Speaker 1: and we are going to talk about this one's good.
0:50
Speaker 1: This one's good too. How do you want to be loved?
0:53
Speaker 3: Yes?
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Speaker 4: So important?
0:55
Speaker 1: Yeah, how do you want to be loved?
0:57
Speaker 2: Well, my base attachment before I earned my security was
1:01
Speaker 2: fearful avoidance, and so fearful avoidance deepest attachment needs are
1:05
Speaker 2: to be seen, heard and understood, and so they really
1:09
Speaker 2: need someone who studies them, who can predict their needs
1:15
Speaker 2: to some degree based on that data that they gather
1:18
Speaker 2: and sort of swoop in and meet needs really without
1:20
Speaker 2: being asked. That's a lot of women, Yeah, I mean
1:26
Speaker 2: a lot of fas are women.
1:27
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, they are.
1:30
Speaker 2: And you know, fearful avoidance really want, obviously, like I said,
1:35
Speaker 2: to be seen, heard and understood, especially in conversations when
1:38
Speaker 2: they're being vulnerable. So they want someone who will not
1:43
Speaker 2: get defensive, who will lean into their vulnerability, even if
1:48
Speaker 2: it's difficult, even if what they're saying is about their
1:50
Speaker 2: partner and it's not easy. Someone that can withhold their
1:55
Speaker 2: defensiveness and actually listen and make an attempt to say, hey,
1:59
Speaker 2: I hear you on that where I can understand why
2:01
Speaker 2: you would feel that way.
2:04
Speaker 4: That doesn't mean you have to agree.
2:05
Speaker 2: Understanding someone doesn't mean you agree with their opinion or
2:08
Speaker 2: perspective or emotions. But to say you've been heard here,
2:14
Speaker 2: it's landed with me and to the point where it's
2:18
Speaker 2: like I know you deeply so, given your past, given
2:22
Speaker 2: the things that you've been through, given your personality, given
2:25
Speaker 2: what you like and what you don't like, I can
2:28
Speaker 2: understand why you hold the perspective that you do. It
2:31
Speaker 2: doesn't mean agreement, but understanding Foster's empathy and empathy, Foster's
2:37
Speaker 2: connection and.
2:38
Speaker 1: Love, and then you feel safe, right.
2:41
Speaker 4: It's safety.
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Speaker 2: Fearful avoidance are desperately seeking a sense of safety through
2:45
Speaker 2: feeling like they can trust their partner, feeling like their
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Speaker 2: partner again is listening and really trying to see them.
2:53
Speaker 2: And another thing that fearful avoidance really want is to
2:56
Speaker 2: be loved for their humanity. So they really want to
2:59
Speaker 2: be able to be either messy, dysfunctional selves, imperfect selves
3:04
Speaker 2: yeah right, and know deeply that, hey, this person isn't
3:07
Speaker 2: going to abandon me, this person isn't going to punish me.
3:10
Speaker 2: Because I'm having some human moments here, right, doesn't mean
3:14
Speaker 2: you don't have boundaries or the FA.
3:16
Speaker 1: Yeah, boundaries, This is me too.
3:18
Speaker 4: It's your attachment too.
3:20
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, I need to like have my moments where
3:23
Speaker 1: I'm like, wh you know. Josh is like, it's totally
3:25
Speaker 1: fine if you go psycho. I'm here for it and
3:28
Speaker 1: I still love you.
3:29
Speaker 4: Yeah.
3:30
Speaker 2: Donald struggles a little bit with that because he he
3:33
Speaker 2: tends to be the FA that's more a little more
3:36
Speaker 2: people pleasing. Yeah, and he's so concerned with my well
3:39
Speaker 2: being that when I'm stressed, he kind of goes, oh no,
3:44
Speaker 2: you know, like how.
3:45
Speaker 4: Can I fix How can I fix it? What can
3:46
Speaker 4: I do? How can I make it better? Which is
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Speaker 4: really loving it is because he wants to jump in and.
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Speaker 1: Because that's how I love as well. I like it
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Speaker 1: that way you do.
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Speaker 4: You and Donald are like the same person we are.
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Speaker 4: It's so crazy.
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Speaker 2: My husband and my best friend have like the exact
3:59
Speaker 2: same personality. It's true, but it's interesting because I mean,
4:03
Speaker 2: I love you both so much.
4:04
Speaker 1: You know, that's why you were drawn to him. Yeah,
4:06
Speaker 1: because he was like the male version.
4:08
Speaker 4: He was the male.
4:10
Speaker 1: Well, he's awesome. He is.
4:12
Speaker 4: He is.
4:13
Speaker 2: He is an awesome, awesome, loving, kind, calm, amazing human.
4:17
Speaker 1: He is he is. I feel like Josh, well he
4:21
Speaker 1: probably is is one of the most secure people I've ever.
4:24
Speaker 2: Known because he doesn't have childhood drama. I know, you know,
4:30
Speaker 2: Josh is one of the only people that I really
4:32
Speaker 2: do know that doesn't have really any degree of childhood trauma.
4:36
Speaker 2: And he's one of those born secures. Right we talk
4:39
Speaker 2: about earned secures, like we are we did the work,
4:42
Speaker 2: and then the born secures, the people that were taught
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Speaker 2: healthy communication, healthy conflict resolution, boundaries, respect, vulnerability.
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Speaker 1: It was one of the things that really set him
4:53
Speaker 1: apart when we first started dating. I'll ever forget. We
4:59
Speaker 1: had probably been on half a dozen dates at this point,
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Speaker 1: and I was really into him. I really liked him
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Speaker 1: I really liked him, but you know, we were still
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Speaker 1: filling each other out, and being the anxious attached person
5:16
Speaker 1: that I was, I would always ask him to do
5:20
Speaker 1: something and then I would follow it up with, oh,
5:23
Speaker 1: but no pressure, no pressure, no pressure. And I think
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Speaker 1: I probably did that again like half a dozen times.
5:30
Speaker 1: And we were on our sixth date and we're sitting
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Speaker 1: there and I'm like, so, do you know you want
5:34
Speaker 1: to do something this weekend? No pressure? And he was
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Speaker 1: like he looked, He looked me straight in the face,
5:39
Speaker 1: and he was like, you don't have to say that.
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Speaker 1: He was like if I didn't yeah, he was like,
5:44
Speaker 1: if I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't yeah.
5:46
Speaker 1: And I was just like secure.
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Speaker 2: People state what they want, I was like, and what
5:51
Speaker 2: they don't want, and they don't do things.
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Speaker 4: It was so sexy too. Oh yeah.
5:56
Speaker 1: It was like the sexiest thing because it made me
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Speaker 1: one take step back and be like, Okay, there's no
6:02
Speaker 1: guesswork here. Yeah, Like I don't have to guess what
6:05
Speaker 1: he wants. Like he just told me straight up like, hey,
6:08
Speaker 1: if I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be right,
6:09
Speaker 1: So don't worry, right, And I was like and it
6:12
Speaker 1: just at that point it was like it it was
6:14
Speaker 1: one of those pivotal moments in our relationship where it
6:17
Speaker 1: kind of took it to the next level.
6:18
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you could kind of breathe that sigh of relief.
6:21
Speaker 2: And that's one thing that secure people are really good
6:23
Speaker 2: at doing, is they're not afraid to share their feelings
6:26
Speaker 2: because they don't feel fear rejection in the same way
6:30
Speaker 2: that a lot of other insecure people do. So the anxious, preoccupied,
6:34
Speaker 2: we know they are terrified of rejection. If you're full avoidant,
6:37
Speaker 2: I mean doesn't like rejection, you know, they see it
6:39
Speaker 2: more as a betrayal and dismissive avoidance. They have a
6:42
Speaker 2: rejection wound, but it's almost unconscious. It's like it's there,
6:46
Speaker 2: but it's not in there. It's not able to be
6:49
Speaker 2: accessed very easily. And so you know, meeting someone's attachment
6:55
Speaker 2: needs is the best way to learn how to love someone. Yeah,
6:59
Speaker 2: because attach style predicts people's deepest needs.
7:01
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, we don't. We want to be clear that
7:03
Speaker 1: this goes beyond the Five Love languages for sure.
7:06
Speaker 2: For sure, the five Love Languages is like the tip
7:08
Speaker 2: of the iceberg type of thing. There's validity to it,
7:11
Speaker 2: I think, but it doesn't do a good job of
7:16
Speaker 2: really digging into attachment. So let's say we have an anxious,
7:19
Speaker 2: preoccupied partner right who deeply desires reassurance inside of their
7:24
Speaker 2: relationship that their love, that they air value, that the
7:26
Speaker 2: relationship is stable. Dismissive avoidance words of affirmation are not
7:31
Speaker 2: going to hit the mark on that. It's going to
7:32
Speaker 2: be like I love you good night. Yeah right, so
7:36
Speaker 2: I told you I loved you, all right, but it
7:38
Speaker 2: wasn't in this way where I said, wow, you know,
7:41
Speaker 2: I really want you to know that I love you
7:43
Speaker 2: and you're so valued and you're so important to me.
7:46
Speaker 2: That's going to land with the anxious, preoccupied right. That
7:48
Speaker 2: feels genuine, it feels deep, it feels connected, and the
7:52
Speaker 2: dismissive avoidance words of affirmation are often very robotic, very repetitive.
7:57
Speaker 2: Their compliments are often very generic, like you look nice today,
8:01
Speaker 2: instead of like your eyes are the most beautiful thyl
8:05
Speaker 2: looks it looks so good on you, right.
8:08
Speaker 1: Their compliments tend to be very surface.
8:10
Speaker 2: Very surface level, and so it's not going to meet
8:13
Speaker 2: the mark. And that's why people come to me and
8:16
Speaker 2: they're confused, they're like, why I compliment my wife, I
8:18
Speaker 2: tell her that I love her, and I'm like, well,
8:21
Speaker 2: how are you saying those things? Well?
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Speaker 1: And the same applause to acts of service, because I mean, gosh,
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Speaker 1: the DA will do access service all day, I will.
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Speaker 1: I mean, they're the ones that are like, but I'm providing.
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Speaker 1: I'm the financial you know, provider here in this family.
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Speaker 1: I do this, I do that, I do this, I
8:34
Speaker 1: do you know. But for the fa partner that's not going.
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Speaker 2: The land, the fearful avoidant is really going to want
8:41
Speaker 2: to know that someone is seeing deeply who they are
8:46
Speaker 2: right and responding to who they are as a person. Yeah, yeah, Like,
8:52
Speaker 2: oh wow, I know that you are really triggered by that,
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Speaker 2: and I'm sorry that I said it in that way
8:58
Speaker 2: because I know that that's something that really hurts you.
9:00
Speaker 2: You right, And that kind of plays off the episode
9:02
Speaker 2: we had of how does this hurt you?
9:05
Speaker 1: Yeah?
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Speaker 4: This is just sort of the how do you want
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Speaker 4: to be loved?
9:07
Speaker 2: So, navigating relationships in a healthy way is often about
9:11
Speaker 2: avoiding people's triggers and meeting their deepest needs. That's a
9:15
Speaker 2: recipe for success, and avoiding people's triggers isn't walking on eggshells.
9:20
Speaker 2: It's loving somebody deeply enough to know how they're past
9:23
Speaker 2: and their pain has affected them, and to not purposefully
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Speaker 2: be stepping on those minds in that subconscious mindfield where
9:32
Speaker 2: that pain lives.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I know with Josh too, it's and again, you know,
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Speaker 1: doctor Hansley's here for your clinical standpoint. I'm here for
9:40
Speaker 1: real life. Okay, I guess it's all I got. It's
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Speaker 1: all I got. But I know with Josh, you know,
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Speaker 1: he he, we have this sort of agreement. I mean,
9:51
Speaker 1: in terms of the five level languages. Typically the way
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Speaker 1: I want to be loved is exactly the way that
9:58
Speaker 1: I choose that I choose to love. And so it's
10:02
Speaker 1: access service is one gifts and gifts.
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Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, I love.
10:07
Speaker 1: To give gifts and I love to get gifts. But
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Speaker 1: Josh also like, here's an here's an example of what
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Speaker 1: he sees me, right, he sees something about me knowing
10:22
Speaker 1: that I was a single mom for fourteen years carrying
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Speaker 1: all the weight of all the responsibilities. He knows now
10:31
Speaker 1: where to step in and take some of that load
10:34
Speaker 1: because these are things that he knows about me. So
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Speaker 1: that's how he performs his acts a service and that's
10:39
Speaker 1: where what we mean. It's like that's the surface, but
10:43
Speaker 1: you got to go deeper as to why that's the
10:45
Speaker 1: love language that the person.
10:47
Speaker 2: Has, right, So it's what is it about them, right
10:52
Speaker 2: that makes that need important to them? And understanding that
10:56
Speaker 2: that's the deeper level that people need to go in
10:59
Speaker 2: order to meet needs inside of a relationship.
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Speaker 1: Yep. Yeah. And gifts too are It's tricky. You know,
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Speaker 1: gifts are really tricky because I don't want you to
11:08
Speaker 1: get me something just to get me something, all right,
11:10
Speaker 1: Like that's not the it's not the kind of gift
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Speaker 1: giver I am. In fact, I have this role around gifts,
11:14
Speaker 1: Like I'm not just going to go buy you a
11:16
Speaker 1: gift because it's your birthday. Yeah, Like I want that
11:20
Speaker 1: gift to mean something. If I see something and I say,
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Speaker 1: oh my gosh, this reminds me so much of Sarah,
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Speaker 1: Like that's the kind of gift that I want to give,
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Speaker 1: And that's the kind of gift I want to get.
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Speaker 2: That's the fa Yeah, see me for who I am,
11:33
Speaker 2: for a as a unique person a right, See me
11:36
Speaker 2: as a unique person, and treat me as that unique person.
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Speaker 2: So when I coach my clients often when we go
11:43
Speaker 2: through meeting the needs of your partner based on their
11:46
Speaker 2: attachment style, and we talk about gift giving. If the
11:49
Speaker 2: partner is a fearful avoidant, I say, you have to
11:53
Speaker 2: be able to say, here's why this gift would be
12:00
Speaker 2: good for you, or would represent you, or would you
12:02
Speaker 2: know you would be happy with it. Here's why I
12:04
Speaker 2: thought that this would be a good gift for you.
12:07
Speaker 2: You know, not just because you needed it, right, but
12:10
Speaker 2: because I know these things about you and what you
12:13
Speaker 2: like and what you don't like. I know you deep
12:15
Speaker 2: enough to know that you're going to like this.
12:17
Speaker 1: Josh is so good at that. Yeah, I have to
12:19
Speaker 1: give him major props there. He's so so good at that.
12:23
Speaker 1: Some of his gifts that he has given me have
12:25
Speaker 1: just been so unbelievably thoughtful and wonderful. That is amazing. Yeah.
12:30
Speaker 1: I'm doing some major damage control here after feeling like
12:33
Speaker 1: I threw him under the bus in the last episode
12:35
Speaker 1: talking about our fight. But you know, everybody fights.
12:38
Speaker 2: Everybody fight fight. Conflict is a part of every relationship.
12:42
Speaker 2: It's how do you handle that conflict?
12:45
Speaker 4: Right?
12:45
Speaker 2: And we went over that, so, but meeting needs is
12:48
Speaker 2: just as important as handling conflict.
12:51
Speaker 4: Appropriately.
12:53
Speaker 2: We have to be able to learn enough about our partners.
12:57
Speaker 2: We have to study them, we have to gather data
12:59
Speaker 2: on them. We have to take to consideration their past,
13:03
Speaker 2: their patterns, their personality, how they were raised.
13:06
Speaker 4: That's part of love. And so many people go.
13:09
Speaker 2: Into love just blindly, loving in the way that they
13:12
Speaker 2: want to be loved, without as much consideration of how
13:17
Speaker 2: does my partner want to be loved?
13:19
Speaker 1: And you know, thinking about that and thinking about all
13:22
Speaker 1: those aspects makes me think about one thing that my
13:24
Speaker 1: dad used to say always growing up, which was that
13:27
Speaker 1: he believed in long engagements. And there's a reason why,
13:31
Speaker 1: because to take that sort of inventory it takes time.
13:34
Speaker 1: It does And the single most important decision that you
13:39
Speaker 1: can ever make in your life and your whole entire life,
13:42
Speaker 1: is the partner that you choose. Yes, and I know
13:46
Speaker 1: that all too well.
13:47
Speaker 2: Yeah, we both do, on such a profound level. Yeah,
13:52
Speaker 2: there's nothing more that will contribute more or less to
13:57
Speaker 2: your happiness and your success in life than who you
13:59
Speaker 2: choose to marry and who you choose to have children with.
14:02
Speaker 2: And what I think is so unfortunate are individuals who
14:08
Speaker 2: really promote no get married young, those have those kids
14:11
Speaker 2: you know, so young, and it's like, well, for some
14:14
Speaker 2: people that can work out, okay, but we change so fundamentally.
14:19
Speaker 4: There's this concept in psychology.
14:21
Speaker 2: Where, you know, we believe that we the person that
14:25
Speaker 2: we are now is who we're always going to be, right,
14:27
Speaker 2: it's just this fallacy and it's escaping me now than
14:31
Speaker 2: the name of this theory. But it's not true. Yeah,
14:34
Speaker 2: the person we are now is not who we're always
14:37
Speaker 2: going to be. The bands we like now are who
14:39
Speaker 2: are not always going to like. The clothes we wear
14:41
Speaker 2: now are not the style of clothes we are always
14:44
Speaker 2: going to wear.
14:45
Speaker 1: Sometimes I like back at like twenty one year old,
14:47
Speaker 1: twenty two year old RNA twenty three year old, and
14:49
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, my am, who is.
14:51
Speaker 4: The versus what they they came with?
14:53
Speaker 3: That?
14:54
Speaker 1: Who was that girl? I don't know her anymore? And
14:57
Speaker 1: I can't imagine, like if i'd gotten married. I was
14:59
Speaker 1: never married to my son's dad, but if I'd ever married,
15:03
Speaker 1: like I mean, obviously we would have been divorced.
15:06
Speaker 4: Thank goodness you didn't.
15:07
Speaker 1: Well, I mean maybe I could have gotten some alimony,
15:11
Speaker 1: I could have maybe fared a little bit better. I
15:13
Speaker 1: don't know, no, no, no, it would have been uglier,
15:17
Speaker 1: for surely would have been uglier to have been uglier.
15:19
Speaker 4: And it's a gift.
15:20
Speaker 1: Yeah, And so I I, you know, this is something
15:22
Speaker 1: I encouraged Jean Paul specifically right now, you know, because
15:27
Speaker 1: he's very close to being eighteen. He has a serious girlfriend.
15:31
Speaker 1: They've been together for a year. They're so in love. Yeah,
15:35
Speaker 1: and I don't want to devalue that they are so
15:37
Speaker 1: in love. And you know on that first love is
15:40
Speaker 1: it's very powerful. It's so powerful, and.
15:44
Speaker 4: It's immature, very but it's very powerful.
15:46
Speaker 1: Yeah. But I mean, think about the way that you
15:49
Speaker 1: wanted to be loved when you were sixteen seventeen years
15:51
Speaker 1: old versus how you want to be loved now, right,
15:54
Speaker 1: It's completely different. It's night and day. When I was
15:57
Speaker 1: sixteen seventeen years old, I just wanted to be like
16:00
Speaker 1: cuddled and loved on and you know, have like teenage
16:03
Speaker 1: sex all the time. You know, Now it's completely different,
16:07
Speaker 1: Like that's it has to be so much more than that,
16:11
Speaker 1: And I think that's what changes. And so I'm really
16:13
Speaker 1: trying to encourage him to be like, don't rush into
16:15
Speaker 1: something that you know where you're going to change so
16:20
Speaker 1: much over the next decade where you look back and
16:23
Speaker 1: you think, oh, you know, yeah, and I don't want
16:25
Speaker 1: him to miss out on on other things, really discovering
16:28
Speaker 1: what it is that that he likes, you know, in
16:32
Speaker 1: the opposite sex. And I think sometimes you would with
16:36
Speaker 1: that first love kind of hone in on it and
16:38
Speaker 1: it's like we're going to end up together, like of
16:40
Speaker 1: course we're going to get married, Like I remember thinking
16:43
Speaker 1: that about my high school sweetheart, Like we're going to
16:45
Speaker 1: get married, We're going to be together forever. Yeah, And
16:48
Speaker 1: it's so important that you kind of get out there
16:51
Speaker 1: because I think when you have the different experiences with
16:56
Speaker 1: you know, people over the years, you really discover how
16:59
Speaker 1: it is that you want to be.
16:59
Speaker 2: Like yeah, yes, absolutely. And so I didn't find the
17:05
Speaker 2: love of my life until I was thirty nine years old,
17:09
Speaker 2: and I don't regret it. I mean, I'm glad I
17:13
Speaker 2: found it then. But each partner, especially post divorce, I
17:21
Speaker 2: had a few different guys that I dated, taught me
17:25
Speaker 2: a little bit more about what I wanted and what
17:27
Speaker 2: I didn't want. And those experiences were so valuable. Yes,
17:31
Speaker 2: And I think we have to teach people how to
17:34
Speaker 2: treat us and so there's this element of teaching people
17:37
Speaker 2: how we want to be loved in a gentle way,
17:40
Speaker 2: in a kind way. And a lot of people who
17:43
Speaker 2: very much fear vulnerability don't even know what their needs are,
17:49
Speaker 2: therefore they can't express them. And then those that do
17:52
Speaker 2: sometimes still have trouble expressing their needs. And you have
17:55
Speaker 2: to be able to be vulnerable about your needs. And
17:58
Speaker 2: those that have any degree of anxious attachment struggled to
18:01
Speaker 2: be vulnerable about their needs because they're afraid they'll be
18:04
Speaker 2: too much and they'll push someone away or that person
18:07
Speaker 2: will abandon them and say, well, I can't meet those needs.
18:10
Speaker 1: I really struggled with that.
18:12
Speaker 2: I struggled with that, especially when I dated a dismissive avoidant.
18:16
Speaker 2: I do not struggle in my marriage with that one
18:21
Speaker 2: because my husband, he just meets all of my needs.
18:23
Speaker 2: You don't really never even have to ask, yeah, not
18:25
Speaker 2: to brag.
18:26
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, you can brag about that here allowed.
18:28
Speaker 4: I mean, yeah, I earned it.
18:29
Speaker 2: I earned my attachment security, and I earned the ability
18:32
Speaker 2: to choose an attachment secure partner because I was attracted
18:36
Speaker 2: to security.
18:38
Speaker 4: That's the huge shift. People don't understand.
18:40
Speaker 2: It's like, well, why I have people that are like.
18:44
Speaker 2: I just had a client the other day, had a
18:47
Speaker 2: year and a half relationship with a dismissive avoidant. He
18:50
Speaker 2: broke up with her three different times, just out of
18:52
Speaker 2: the blue, freaked out, said I can't do this, you
18:54
Speaker 2: want too much. I gotta go away, and then he
18:56
Speaker 2: would always come back around, and then they'd pick right
18:58
Speaker 2: back up, and sure enough, five six months later, freak out,
19:02
Speaker 2: run away, and then they had their longest break, which
19:05
Speaker 2: was nearly a year. And now they're back in contact
19:09
Speaker 2: and she's like, you know, how do I get him too?
19:12
Speaker 2: And I said, no, no, no, no, no.
19:13
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's the wrong mindset there.
19:15
Speaker 2: You can't get anybody to do anything. Yeah, it's what
19:20
Speaker 2: is going on with me that I'm afraid to express
19:24
Speaker 2: my needs in my boundaries and my expectations.
19:26
Speaker 4: That's the right question.
19:27
Speaker 1: Yeah, right, Well, and discovering how it is you want
19:32
Speaker 1: to be loved is ultimately discovering self love.
19:36
Speaker 2: It is it is because it's being authentic and it's
19:39
Speaker 2: honoring yourself. It's not self abandonment. The opposite of that
19:42
Speaker 2: is self abandonment. Right, And so this particular client was
19:47
Speaker 2: really scared to tell this, DA, I need consistency I
19:53
Speaker 2: need a title around our relationship of exclusivity. I need,
19:58
Speaker 2: you know, a certain amount of phone time, a certain
20:01
Speaker 2: amount of in person time, because the fear is, well,
20:04
Speaker 2: what if it makes him run away again?
20:06
Speaker 4: Then he was never going to give it to you.
20:09
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it was going to be.
20:10
Speaker 4: The same cycle over and over, never ending.
20:15
Speaker 2: And I think a lot of people approach the work
20:19
Speaker 2: around relationships of how can I be what my partner
20:22
Speaker 2: needs me to be for them to love me correctly?
20:25
Speaker 2: And then you're stepping into inauthenticity and your self abandoning
20:29
Speaker 2: to try to get someone to love you. And that's
20:33
Speaker 2: actually a little bit of a form of manipulation.
20:35
Speaker 4: Absolutely, and I don't teach that now.
20:38
Speaker 2: What I will say is sometimes when we show up
20:41
Speaker 2: secure and we do the work to be secure, our
20:44
Speaker 2: security is less triggering to other people. You stop triggering
20:48
Speaker 2: people as much when you show up as secure, and
20:50
Speaker 2: that can prompt someone to move closer to security. And
20:53
Speaker 2: that's very true for those with mild or even moderate
20:56
Speaker 2: attachment insecurities.
20:57
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think this is what happened, you know, with Josh,
20:59
Speaker 1: And because I think I was just on the cusps
21:01
Speaker 1: sort of of achieving my attachment security, and then I
21:05
Speaker 1: just have you know, I happened to meet Josh who
21:07
Speaker 1: was extremely attachment secure, and he moved me. He like,
21:11
Speaker 1: he pushed me over that edge right and made me,
21:14
Speaker 1: you know, feel safe to worry. I could get to
21:16
Speaker 1: the point where I felt completely authentically myself. Yeah, and
21:22
Speaker 1: there was no fear around it.
21:23
Speaker 4: That's so wonderful.
21:24
Speaker 3: I know.
21:25
Speaker 1: I'm so thankful.
21:28
Speaker 3: Now.
21:29
Speaker 2: And what I try to tell people is like, if
21:32
Speaker 2: you really just stop focusing your energy on what can
21:35
Speaker 2: I do to make them? If you just x out
21:40
Speaker 2: that question, just cross it out, scribble it out with
21:41
Speaker 2: the big fat red pin yep, and replace it with
21:45
Speaker 2: what is it about me that is accepting these circumstances
21:49
Speaker 2: that aren't meeting my needs, that aren't fulfilling me, that
21:51
Speaker 2: aren't making me happy? Why am I choosing to stay here?
21:55
Speaker 2: What is going on with me that I am too afraid,
21:59
Speaker 2: for whatever reason, to set boundaries or to walk away
22:02
Speaker 2: from that?
22:03
Speaker 1: Yeah? And then also getting really honest with what it
22:05
Speaker 1: is you want? Yeah, because I think that's what happened
22:08
Speaker 1: with me. I just got really really honest because I
22:11
Speaker 1: think you're right. It was post final breakup with my ex,
22:17
Speaker 1: my son's dad and those partners after. It's like each
22:21
Speaker 1: one was a stepping stone, absolutely more and more of
22:25
Speaker 1: what I saw that I didn't want, so that when
22:28
Speaker 1: I did see what I wanted, it was so evident
22:31
Speaker 1: and it was so clear, and I mean it was
22:34
Speaker 1: crystal clear. Actually, I mean I laid my eyes on
22:37
Speaker 1: Josh and I was like, I'm marryingam mine.
22:41
Speaker 2: The funny thing is we both did that with our husbands. No,
22:44
Speaker 2: we both said I think I'm going to marry this
22:45
Speaker 2: person on the first day. And of course, you know,
22:48
Speaker 2: it is a gut feeling, it is an intuitive feeling.
22:51
Speaker 1: Yeah, of course we.
22:51
Speaker 4: Don't have any evidence. We're not trying to jump into
22:53
Speaker 4: marriage with somebody that we just met.
22:55
Speaker 2: But there was both this for both of us, this gut, intuitive,
23:00
Speaker 2: deep feeling.
23:01
Speaker 4: That we've been on a day with Joshes is the person.
23:03
Speaker 1: Yeah, Josh just walked past me and really tight genes
23:07
Speaker 1: and I was like, whoh.
23:09
Speaker 2: Okay, so call it frequency, law of attraction, magnetic energy,
23:14
Speaker 2: call it god.
23:16
Speaker 1: Yeah right, I mean I spoke it too, So I
23:20
Speaker 1: think speaking it is part of the self fulfilling prophecy.
23:24
Speaker 2: Absolutely well, you know how I feel about speaking life
23:26
Speaker 2: and that's a discussion we can absolutely have. Yeah, the
23:29
Speaker 2: power of your words is enormous. God says there is
23:34
Speaker 2: life and death in the power of the tongue, and
23:36
Speaker 2: the power of what we speak demands to be fulfilled.
23:39
Speaker 2: So this is a common statement in my household. What
23:42
Speaker 2: you think and what you speak demands to be fulfilled.
23:45
Speaker 2: And three different disciplines have triangulated on that specific theory, right, triangulating,
23:52
Speaker 2: meaning they've all converged on the same conclusion. So psychologists
23:58
Speaker 2: talk about it as a self fulfilling pH what you
24:00
Speaker 2: think and what you speak eventually transforms into your behavior
24:04
Speaker 2: that gives you the outcome that you were thinking and
24:07
Speaker 2: speaking about. Right, physics call it, you know, at the
24:11
Speaker 2: quantum level, you know, sort of this law of attraction
24:14
Speaker 2: and the frequencies that our thoughts and our words have,
24:17
Speaker 2: and then those frequencies kind of come back to you, right,
24:19
Speaker 2: positive thinking, positive thoughts, positive words having higher frequencies bringing
24:24
Speaker 2: back higher frequency positive things back into your life. And
24:27
Speaker 2: then theologist no scripture that says, as a man thinketh
24:31
Speaker 2: so is he and there's life and death in the
24:33
Speaker 2: power of the tongue, And so many other scriptures about
24:37
Speaker 2: how powerful and meaningful our words are.
24:40
Speaker 4: And so.
24:42
Speaker 2: You know, when we are trying to figure out how
24:44
Speaker 2: do I love someone, we need to ask.
24:48
Speaker 4: What feels good to you? Yeah, and then we need
24:51
Speaker 4: to speak that.
24:53
Speaker 2: You know, my husband loves physical touch, I do too,
24:57
Speaker 2: do too, but words.
25:00
Speaker 1: Of information yess to be Yeah, yep, absolutely, me too.
25:06
Speaker 1: And so you know you need them all?
25:09
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, with them all. I mean, I won't turn
25:12
Speaker 4: any of them down, but yeah, you know.
25:16
Speaker 2: So if you likes physical touch, you know, I'll say,
25:19
Speaker 2: come here and let me rub your head?
25:21
Speaker 4: Does this feel good to you? And we speak.
25:23
Speaker 2: About it, right, and we confirm that this is the
25:26
Speaker 2: right thing to be doing right now? Does this feel good?
25:29
Speaker 4: And I scratch the back of your head?
25:30
Speaker 1: Yeah? Right, and I.
25:32
Speaker 2: Get feedback and make a mental note, right. And that
25:35
Speaker 2: is part of that data collection process that you are
25:40
Speaker 2: continually doing in your relationship when you are making it
25:43
Speaker 2: your mission to learn how your partner wants to be loved.
25:47
Speaker 1: And it's so reciprocal, and that's that's what's so beautiful
25:51
Speaker 1: about it, because then your partner is able to do
25:55
Speaker 1: the same exact thing for you and then over time,
26:00
Speaker 1: and I think it's why I like couples who stay
26:02
Speaker 1: married for a very long time, maybe when you know,
26:07
Speaker 1: sexual intimacy fades or you know, the spark and the
26:12
Speaker 1: fireworks fade because both of us, you know, are newly married.
26:18
Speaker 1: But when those sparks fade, it's those things that make
26:21
Speaker 1: it last. It's those things that make people. The couples
26:28
Speaker 1: that have been together for as long as they have,
26:30
Speaker 1: I know, like two you know that are able to
26:35
Speaker 1: it's because they've really taken inventory of what it is
26:37
Speaker 1: that their partner really likes outside of sexual intimacy.
26:40
Speaker 2: Absolutely, and people get very confused the dismiss them avoid
26:45
Speaker 2: It always confuses.
26:46
Speaker 1: People because they confuse me because they confused me a
26:51
Speaker 1: lot when I was coaching. I was like, oh.
26:52
Speaker 4: Gosh, this is so hard because intimacy scares them, and
26:57
Speaker 4: all the ways.
26:58
Speaker 2: That we tend to show love tend to be in
27:00
Speaker 2: me except for acts of service and gifts. Right, Oh,
27:05
Speaker 2: even gifts can be a little more intimate acts of
27:07
Speaker 2: service depending on what it is. But they don't generally
27:12
Speaker 2: like a lot of words of affirmation. They don't like
27:15
Speaker 2: a lot of quality time. They want their space, and
27:17
Speaker 2: it confuses people.
27:18
Speaker 1: Have an avoidance side though, so I do too. I
27:21
Speaker 1: need my space. I'm not big on like, you don't
27:24
Speaker 1: have to touch me all the time, you don't have
27:25
Speaker 1: to build me up all the time. Just wash the
27:28
Speaker 1: dishes and buy you plants, buy me plants. But you
27:31
Speaker 1: got a girl, You got it? I know, yeah, you do.
27:36
Speaker 2: And so the dismissive avoidance. Biggest need actually inside of
27:39
Speaker 2: our relationship is for peace and harmony. So criticism is
27:43
Speaker 2: so hard for them. So one of the biggest things
27:45
Speaker 2: that I teach my clients is non critical communication with
27:47
Speaker 2: the DA to meet that need for peace and harmony.
27:50
Speaker 2: So instead of saying like you're always on your phone,
27:53
Speaker 2: you never pay attention to me, we say, hey, you
27:56
Speaker 2: know what would feel really good if we had some
27:58
Speaker 2: time connected without our devices, and we make that happen tonight.
28:01
Speaker 1: Yeah.
28:02
Speaker 4: And most das are like okay, and I willed to comply.
28:05
Speaker 2: With them, but when they hear you got it wrong,
28:07
Speaker 2: it triggers their defectiveness wound. Their desire for peace and
28:11
Speaker 2: harmony is not being met, that need is not being
28:14
Speaker 2: fulfilled because it starting a conflict and then they withdraw more.
28:19
Speaker 2: And so learning how to love your partner the way
28:23
Speaker 2: that they want to be loved is so critical. And
28:26
Speaker 2: when I made my super mega, ridiculously viral video why
28:30
Speaker 2: women won't have sex with their husbands, so many men
28:33
Speaker 2: were like, I go to work, I come home, I
28:35
Speaker 2: do the dishes, I help with the kids, and my
28:37
Speaker 2: wife so won't sleep with me. And I'm like, is
28:39
Speaker 2: that their deepest attachment need? Like, that's great that you're
28:42
Speaker 2: an equal partner. Good for you for being an equal partner.
28:45
Speaker 2: But I think that that's kind of the bare minimum.
28:48
Speaker 2: What in terms of their deepest intimate and emotional needs
28:53
Speaker 2: do they need. Maybe they're a dismissive avoidant and you're
28:56
Speaker 2: highly critical and you're highly anxious, and you're constantly criticizing
29:02
Speaker 2: them for not noticing something or taking a little too
29:05
Speaker 2: much space or being a slower emotional processor, and your constant,
29:09
Speaker 2: constant criticism is pushing them away. Have you thought about that, right?
29:14
Speaker 2: And I mean, they don't want to hear it.
29:15
Speaker 4: I want to hear that though.
29:16
Speaker 1: I feel like people communicate critically and don't even realize it.
29:20
Speaker 3: Oh, it's such a huge problem. They don't need such
29:22
Speaker 3: a huge problem, realize it at all. Yeah, I know
29:25
Speaker 3: that that's a big problem that I ran into when
29:26
Speaker 3: I was coaching in your practice, and then you know,
29:30
Speaker 3: the light bulbs start to come off, go off. But
29:34
Speaker 3: just like a lot of the things that you teach
29:36
Speaker 3: in your practice, like metacognition and you know, taking control
29:41
Speaker 3: of our thought world, learning to communicate non critically is
29:46
Speaker 3: also a practice.
29:47
Speaker 4: It is.
29:47
Speaker 1: It takes time.
29:48
Speaker 4: It takes time.
29:49
Speaker 2: It takes time to go, hey, there's something I would
29:54
Speaker 2: really like to see and improve in our relationship, and
29:57
Speaker 2: it's having more of this thing that I really like.
30:00
Speaker 4: Yeah, instead of saying.
30:02
Speaker 2: There's not enough of this thing, you're deficient. I would
30:06
Speaker 2: really like to have more of this thing that you
30:08
Speaker 2: do that I do like. And that's actually complimentary. Hey,
30:11
Speaker 2: you do something I like so much, I want more
30:12
Speaker 2: of it.
30:13
Speaker 1: Yeah.
30:14
Speaker 2: Right, And of course, not everything can be shaped in
30:20
Speaker 2: a positive way. Most things can. But when there's a
30:25
Speaker 2: repeated negative behavior and you have to address it more directly,
30:29
Speaker 2: there can be ways to be less critical, very much so,
30:34
Speaker 2: and I teach a lot of those in my practice.
30:36
Speaker 1: Well, again, it's you have to the partner who's trying
30:41
Speaker 1: to communicate non critically has to dismantle their trigger cycle.
30:46
Speaker 4: Yes, that's because.
30:47
Speaker 1: The reason why they're communicating critically is because they're triggered.
30:50
Speaker 2: They're absolutely triggered into feeling not loved, not understood, rejected, abandoned.
30:56
Speaker 2: I mean, there could be a lot of potential triggers happening,
30:59
Speaker 2: but when you're able to think about, hmm, okay, my
31:02
Speaker 2: partner just said something, and if my thought is wow,
31:05
Speaker 2: there's such a jerk, well, then what is that speaking
31:09
Speaker 2: to my nervous system. I'm married to a jerk, right,
31:12
Speaker 2: that's what it's speaking. And either I have to say
31:14
Speaker 2: married to a jerk, which will be miserable, or I
31:16
Speaker 2: have to get divorced. And the nervous system and the
31:19
Speaker 2: subconscious mind are putting those connections together before the conscious
31:25
Speaker 2: has caught up to that. Your nervous system is going
31:28
Speaker 2: into nine to one one before you have even realized it.
31:33
Speaker 2: But when you go, hold on a second, all right,
31:36
Speaker 2: he's not a jerk. He just said something I didn't like.
31:38
Speaker 2: Let me take a step back, take a deep breath,
31:40
Speaker 2: and think about maybe I could get curious about what's
31:43
Speaker 2: going on, and so we step in with curiosity.
31:47
Speaker 1: A change. It does.
31:50
Speaker 2: This is all of what I teach. This is what
31:52
Speaker 2: I teach, and it's profound and it works. It does
31:55
Speaker 2: because we actually rewire our neural pathways, we do fascinating
32:00
Speaker 2: those new thought processes around. Okay, here's the old pathway
32:05
Speaker 2: of my husband, such a jerk that I tend to
32:07
Speaker 2: go down. That alerts my nervous system that.
32:10
Speaker 1: It's been on repeat.
32:10
Speaker 2: It's been on repeat. That alerts my nervous system that
32:13
Speaker 2: I'm in trouble. And because then I'm activated into fight
32:16
Speaker 2: flighter freeze. Because my nervous system feels a threat, I
32:19
Speaker 2: react in.
32:20
Speaker 4: Fight flighter freeze.
32:21
Speaker 1: Right.
32:22
Speaker 2: Depending upon the attachment style, you know, you'll get one
32:25
Speaker 2: of those responses. But if we interrupt the thought before
32:29
Speaker 2: it has time to truly fully activate the nervous system,
32:33
Speaker 2: we've stopped the domino effect at the first domino, and
32:37
Speaker 2: then our nervous system feels safe, and then we become
32:40
Speaker 2: conscious decision makers about our behavior.
32:43
Speaker 1: Oh, let's just step back. You're able to communicate on.
32:45
Speaker 2: I'm mindful, right, I'm mindful of how I think. I'm
32:48
Speaker 2: mindful of how I speak because I feel safe. And
32:50
Speaker 2: when our nervous system is regulated and safe, we are open.
32:56
Speaker 2: We're compassionate, we're curious, we're mindful, we're empathetic, we're connected
33:00
Speaker 2: to the president, we're connected to our partner when we
33:03
Speaker 2: are up in those fight flight or free states. Those
33:06
Speaker 2: are completely self oriented, defensive responses. They're not others oriented responses.
33:12
Speaker 2: So they don't allow us to listen with empathy, we're
33:15
Speaker 2: going to get defensive. They don't allow us to stay
33:18
Speaker 2: engaged with what's going on. If we're avoidant, we're probably
33:22
Speaker 2: going to want to withdraw right or disassociate. And so
33:26
Speaker 2: so much of what I teach is about learning to
33:29
Speaker 2: challenge thoughts and to regulate the nervous system, which are
33:32
Speaker 2: the first two dominoes before you get to behavior. And
33:36
Speaker 2: if you can keep those dominoes from falling down, you
33:38
Speaker 2: get to consciously decide your behavior.
33:40
Speaker 1: And those behaviors that you just lined out when your
33:44
Speaker 1: nervous system is calm. Essentially is the definition of love,
33:50
Speaker 1: right yeah. Love is empathy, patient, It's time.
33:54
Speaker 4: I mean God did define it? Yeah yeah.
33:56
Speaker 2: And empathy and compassion and patience and understanding are all
34:01
Speaker 2: such a part of loving someone in a healthy and
34:04
Speaker 2: secure way. But people can't work through their triggers, and
34:08
Speaker 2: their nervous systems are directing their defensive or avoidant responses.
34:15
Speaker 1: And people have never been taught. No, this is what
34:17
Speaker 1: I love about your practice because it's like you're really
34:21
Speaker 1: breaking through the chatter, well not even the chatter, like
34:24
Speaker 1: you're just creating something brand new in the sense.
34:27
Speaker 4: Of like it's a lot different.
34:29
Speaker 1: This is what love is. This is what love looks like. Right,
34:32
Speaker 1: this is how people are asking to be loved. And
34:37
Speaker 1: when I feel like we grow up to think that
34:40
Speaker 1: love is just this feeling.
34:43
Speaker 4: And it just falls into place with the right person.
34:45
Speaker 1: Right, it's just this feeling.
34:47
Speaker 4: Yeah, it doesn't just fall into place with the right person.
34:49
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so much more than that, of course.
34:51
Speaker 2: I mean, I do believe that we are more compatible
34:53
Speaker 2: with some than others. But I think even very incompatible people,
34:58
Speaker 2: I have seen very very anxious, fearful avoidance and very
35:05
Speaker 2: dismissive avoidant people growed to be secure and make their
35:09
Speaker 2: relationship work.
35:10
Speaker 4: And that's the worst paring.
35:11
Speaker 1: Yeah.
35:11
Speaker 2: Yeah, people think the anxious preoccupy and the dismissive avoidance
35:14
Speaker 2: the worst paring.
35:15
Speaker 4: It's not. Oh no, it's not, because they're both terrified
35:17
Speaker 4: of conflict avoidance.
35:22
Speaker 3: It is.
35:24
Speaker 4: So painful, so painful.
35:26
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like living on just two different islands. I mean,
35:28
Speaker 1: my experience with coaching. Yeah, I mean when I was
35:31
Speaker 1: coaching the FADA dynamic, it was the partners could not
35:36
Speaker 1: be more different because the DA would just completely and
35:41
Speaker 1: you know the ones that I'm specifically thinking of, he
35:44
Speaker 1: was pretty severe DA. So he completely shut down. And
35:46
Speaker 1: then she was so fearful of rejection, so fearful of it,
35:51
Speaker 1: she asked for nothing, and so there was this huge
35:54
Speaker 1: separation between them and nothing ever got resolved, nothing because
35:57
Speaker 1: nobody ever said anything.
35:58
Speaker 4: Yeah, he ever said anything. So she was more avoidant
36:02
Speaker 4: in her side as well.
36:03
Speaker 1: Yeah, but feeling it on the inside, like just living
36:09
Speaker 1: with constant anxiety and just I mean just simmering. That's
36:14
Speaker 1: why I mean she she had lots of body alments too.
36:17
Speaker 2: I could not deal with that in this current relationship.
36:19
Speaker 2: I could not deal with that in my relationship. And
36:22
Speaker 2: I never want my husband to feel that way.
36:24
Speaker 1: Yeah. Oh, now that was that one was a tough one.
36:29
Speaker 1: That was a tough one.
36:30
Speaker 4: Yeah.
36:31
Speaker 2: I never ever want my husband to feel neglected or
36:35
Speaker 2: alone or that I don't care. I do tend to
36:39
Speaker 2: be very busy and very distracted running a business. We
36:43
Speaker 2: have four beautiful children. There's a lot to juggle, but
36:49
Speaker 2: at the end of the day, in any time in passing,
36:53
Speaker 2: if I can connect with him and let him know, Hey,
36:55
Speaker 2: I love you, I'm glad you're here today, like showing
36:58
Speaker 2: up and doing your best just like I am. Or
37:00
Speaker 2: kiss yeah, and I value you and I miss you,
37:04
Speaker 2: and really speaking that over each other again, speaking life,
37:09
Speaker 2: over our relationship and over each other.
37:12
Speaker 1: It's huge. Well, I love that, and I love that
37:17
Speaker 1: that we're able to talk on this subject and hopefully
37:21
Speaker 1: really teach people what it means to love and be loved.
37:25
Speaker 2: You have to learn people's attachment needs. That's it's like
37:29
Speaker 2: getting inside someone's head. It's the key to the kingdom.
37:32
Speaker 1: It is. And if you're if you're curious, you can
37:36
Speaker 1: actually go to the Dating Decoder website and read a
37:40
Speaker 1: ton of testimonials that speak on the subject of how
37:44
Speaker 1: doctor Hinsley has in fact saved marriages.
37:49
Speaker 4: I'm actually you know, I try to stay very humble.
37:52
Speaker 4: You are proud of what I do.
37:53
Speaker 1: You are, so you should be proud of proud of
37:55
Speaker 1: what I do.
37:56
Speaker 2: I know that I have what you do many divorces,
37:59
Speaker 2: which means that I allowed children's parents to stay together.
38:02
Speaker 2: I know that I've given people tools to have happy
38:06
Speaker 2: and fulfilling relationships to where their nervous systems can feel
38:10
Speaker 2: safe for the first time but maybe ever, especially if
38:14
Speaker 2: they've had childhood trauma, and just most importantly, teaching people
38:20
Speaker 2: how to love in a way that would make God proud.
38:23
Speaker 1: Yeah, I would be here if I didn't one hundred
38:26
Speaker 1: and fifty percent know in my heart of hearts that
38:30
Speaker 1: what you're doing is saving the world. I mean that
38:35
Speaker 1: sounds a little out there one relationship, but I've said it,
38:38
Speaker 1: you know, I think a lot of the crises in
38:42
Speaker 1: the world are at the expense of broken homes, and
38:48
Speaker 1: when you can save that, it's you're saving the world. Yes,
38:52
Speaker 1: you're saving the world.
38:53
Speaker 2: And not all not all marriages can be saved. Of
38:56
Speaker 2: course I wish they could be. But part of what
38:59
Speaker 2: I do is helping determine can this be saved? And
39:03
Speaker 2: there are people I've had to look in the eye
39:05
Speaker 2: and say, I don't think that this can because I
39:09
Speaker 2: think the other partner has insecurities that are so big
39:15
Speaker 2: that they don't have the capacity to do the work,
39:20
Speaker 2: the capacity to even want to start trying. They're so
39:26
Speaker 2: stuck in their own defensiveness and it's too painful for them.
39:31
Speaker 1: That's awesome. When I was coaching that that was the
39:34
Speaker 1: only answer to. Yeah, it's a hard thing to have
39:37
Speaker 1: to tell someone it is.
39:39
Speaker 2: It is, And most of these people have tried everything.
39:43
Speaker 2: I had this one client who they had been to
39:47
Speaker 2: maybe five marriage counselors, and every single one of them
39:53
Speaker 2: pulled the wife aside and said, he cannot change. There
39:59
Speaker 2: isn't a capacity, the chip isn't there. This is not
40:04
Speaker 2: good for your well being. You need to lead this relationship.
40:07
Speaker 2: And I ultimately came to the same conclusion, and I said, well,
40:10
Speaker 2: you know, I apply a very different strategy.
40:12
Speaker 4: But we'll see.
40:13
Speaker 2: Yeah, And ultimately, just probably the most severe DA I've
40:18
Speaker 2: ever seen was the partner and he could not get it,
40:23
Speaker 2: even with an extremely prescriptive, prescriptive plan of how to
40:27
Speaker 2: meet her needs, literal checkboxes.
40:30
Speaker 4: Right, yeah, and the love that they love, Yeah, they
40:33
Speaker 4: love the list, the list. He couldn't do it.
40:38
Speaker 1: That makes me so sad. It is sad because again,
40:41
Speaker 1: you know, you know he probably wanted to just some degree. Sure,
40:46
Speaker 1: you know he wanted to. But this is something you
40:48
Speaker 1: talk about often too, that it's not a want issue.
40:51
Speaker 4: It is not a want issue.
40:52
Speaker 2: It is a capacity issue, especially for dismissive avoidance. The
40:57
Speaker 2: connections in their brain around intimacy, around vulnerability were never developed.
41:02
Speaker 2: If you never what you don't use, you lose right
41:07
Speaker 2: and what fires together wires together. So if you are
41:11
Speaker 2: void of emotional attainment in childhood, I mean you have
41:14
Speaker 2: parents that I hear the most heartbreaking things from DA's.
41:19
Speaker 2: Like I had a DA client and she said, you know,
41:22
Speaker 2: my mom never even told me about having a period.
41:25
Speaker 2: And I had no idea what was happening to me
41:27
Speaker 2: when I got my first period because that was too vulnerable, right,
41:31
Speaker 2: And you know she I think the story was put
41:35
Speaker 2: some pads outside my door, and that was the most
41:40
Speaker 2: that happened. There was no conversation about what does this mean?
41:44
Speaker 2: What's happening to your body? Because there was so little
41:49
Speaker 2: ability to be vulnerable about anything sensitive or difficult. All
41:54
Speaker 2: difficult conversations were completely avoided in those households. A lot
41:58
Speaker 2: of times the das grew up and they say, well,
42:01
Speaker 2: my parents never fought.
42:02
Speaker 4: Right, And they didn't.
42:03
Speaker 2: Of course, both of them just went their separate ways
42:06
Speaker 2: until it blew over and then came back and acted
42:08
Speaker 2: like nothing happened and built resentment over time.
42:12
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then it's really sad. It is sad, and
42:16
Speaker 1: I know that this is this is just funny.
42:19
Speaker 3: I know.
42:19
Speaker 1: One of the reasons why, I mean honestly, that I
42:22
Speaker 1: had to quit coaching for your practice and take on
42:25
Speaker 1: a different role.
42:26
Speaker 4: I needed you more in a different role, for sure.
42:27
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was because it was so hard. It was
42:31
Speaker 1: so hard to be able to have to be in
42:35
Speaker 1: those situations, those situations where you have to tell somebody
42:38
Speaker 1: look them straight in the eye, like you know, in
42:40
Speaker 1: my professional opinion, this probably isn't going to work. And
42:46
Speaker 1: to see the heartache, like I get, you know, I
42:48
Speaker 1: have all these bodily responses even talking about it.
42:50
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're an extreme EmPATH to where you feel. Oh,
42:54
Speaker 2: there's different types of empathy, and you have a type
42:57
Speaker 2: of empathy that you feel deeply in your body.
43:00
Speaker 4: Gosh, and so.
43:01
Speaker 1: All the weird things were happening to me. So for
43:04
Speaker 1: all those out there that I coached, I love you
43:06
Speaker 1: so much. I love you so much, but I couldn't
43:08
Speaker 1: do it anymore. I couldn't do it.
43:10
Speaker 4: There's a thing.
43:10
Speaker 2: You were fantastic at all. Thanks, you were fantastic at it.
43:14
Speaker 2: I mean you kind of were training it. You were
43:17
Speaker 2: you kind of were trained for years. I mean you've
43:19
Speaker 2: been best friends for a long time. Yeah, and so
43:22
Speaker 2: there wasn't a lot you hadn't heard me talk about
43:24
Speaker 2: or No. You were being trained, whether you knew.
43:25
Speaker 1: It or not, and trained by personal experience.
43:28
Speaker 2: And you have a degree in psychology, yes, and you
43:30
Speaker 2: know you had crisis counseling experience. When you had counseling experience,
43:34
Speaker 2: you know, it's not like I was pulling you from.
43:36
Speaker 4: Yeah, from nowhere, right.
43:37
Speaker 1: Yeah, there was credibility there.
43:39
Speaker 4: There was very credible and you were so good at it.
43:41
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I miss it.
43:42
Speaker 3: I do.
43:43
Speaker 1: There are parts of it that I miss, but but I.
43:45
Speaker 2: Understood the compassion fatigue, and I understood it was brutal.
43:49
Speaker 1: By Friday, I was like, I can't do this anymore.
43:52
Speaker 1: I'm so tired. And I only say that so that
43:55
Speaker 1: people can, you know, have this understanding of not only
43:59
Speaker 1: like the fact that you are saving the world, but
44:02
Speaker 1: like that it's hard. It's hard. You are worth every penny,
44:09
Speaker 1: every penny, thank you, listen. I mean I answer a
44:13
Speaker 1: lot of your messages and people are like, wow, that's
44:15
Speaker 1: so expensive, and I'm like no, because here's the thing
44:17
Speaker 1: Doctor Hensley, and it's not. It's not when you break
44:20
Speaker 1: it down right, which we won't get. I mean, you
44:23
Speaker 1: can go to the website and look at all of
44:24
Speaker 1: doctor Hensley's services, but it's like you want are credible.
44:28
Speaker 1: You have an extremely high education and degree, the highest
44:35
Speaker 1: I mean other than an MD.
44:37
Speaker 4: You know, they're kind of equal.
44:38
Speaker 1: They are, they are, and you are worth it because
44:44
Speaker 1: you you you stand like what you do proves that.
44:50
Speaker 1: Based on what people.
44:51
Speaker 4: Have said, I think my results speak for them they do.
44:54
Speaker 1: Yes, thank you, thank you exactly. That's what I'm trying
44:56
Speaker 1: to say. Results speak for themselves.
44:58
Speaker 2: It is hard to argue with results, and I get results.
45:01
Speaker 2: You do, you do, And it's very fulfilling for me
45:08
Speaker 2: because I have learned over the years to be able
45:13
Speaker 2: to compartmentalize and be a little bit and be able
45:17
Speaker 2: to not take home other people's pain. But it took
45:19
Speaker 2: me a while to get there. In this field, it
45:21
Speaker 2: takes a while to get there, but ultimately the outcomes
45:28
Speaker 2: that I see are so fulfilling to me that it's
45:32
Speaker 2: worth it.
45:33
Speaker 4: That it's worth it.
45:35
Speaker 1: Well, if you're looking for results.
45:37
Speaker 4: And learning how to love your books, yes.
45:40
Speaker 1: You're looking for the results of how to Love. I mean,
45:43
Speaker 1: if you were never taught that, there's no shame attached
45:45
Speaker 1: to that.
45:45
Speaker 2: Most of us weren'ts, were never taught how to love properly.
45:49
Speaker 1: But doctor Hinsley can teach you. And if you want
45:51
Speaker 1: to learn more about her services, you can see all
45:54
Speaker 1: of her services at the dat dycoder dot com. And again,
45:57
Speaker 1: if you guys are enjoying this content, please continue to
46:00
Speaker 1: tune in, listen, like share. We are officially live on Spotify.
46:04
Speaker 1: We're waiting to get Apple's approval, so hopefully by the
46:08
Speaker 1: time this episode, which is episode six, airs, we will
46:12
Speaker 1: also be live on Apple. But until then, peace, love,
46:16
Speaker 1: and perspective