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Relationship Roadblocks · Is Your Way In Your Way?

0:25
Cassandra: And I'd like to welcome you to Is your Way In your Way podcast and, for my new listeners, let me share with you what this podcast is all about.
0:34
Cassandra: Yes, I am your host, cassandra Crawley-Mayo, and we talk about individuals being stuck.
0:41
Cassandra: It's all about mitigating those self-imposed barriers that's preventing you from living your best life on purpose or either on your terms, and we talk about topics related to self-improvement, development and even business improvement development, and this is also enable you to do a little what I call some self-reflections.
1:06
Cassandra: And today I'm really excited about what we're going to talk about about overcoming the unconscious blocks in your relationship, and I'm certain many of you listeners that I have spoken with are really kind of stuck in a relationship.
1:21
Cassandra: Maybe you're in a toxic relationship and you know it, but you don't want to get out, or either you want a healthy relationship, so actually, these relationships could be preventing you from living your best life on your terms.
1:33
Cassandra: So let's dive in and I'm going to talk to my special guest, katarina Polonska.
1:42
Cassandra: Am I pronouncing that right?
1:44
Cassandra: Great Welcome, katarina, to Is your Way In your Way podcast.
1:49
Cassandra: How are you today?
1:50
Katarina: I'm good.
1:51
Katarina: I'm good.
1:52
Katarina: We were reflecting on how rainy and cold it is here, but I am good.
1:56
Katarina: Nice and easy, excellent.
1:59
Cassandra: Well, it's actually very sunny here today and the guy is mowing the lawn, so wouldn't you figure, when our podcast is on, then everything happens, just tries to disrupt us.
2:10
Cassandra: But anyway, before we talk, dive into what I would call a deep dive about Katarina and about this wonderful topic.
2:19
Cassandra: Let me read a little bit about her bio so that you can get some what I say.
2:24
Cassandra: Get to know her just a little bit until we start asking her some questions.
2:28
Cassandra: Get to know her just a little bit until we start asking her some questions.
2:35
Cassandra: Katarina is a high performance executive relationship coach and the founder of the Successfully in Love Method and Gender Dynamic Social Sciences.
2:41
Cassandra: She's been to the University of Oxford and she has many certificates.
2:46
Cassandra: I'll tell you she has quite a few, so that has enabled her to do the work she is currently doing.
2:52
Cassandra: She helps successful executives and entrepreneurs become as accomplished in their relationships as they are in their careers.
3:01
Cassandra: Hey, that's, that was me.
3:04
Cassandra: Whether that's fixing your marriage or finding the right life partner for them, leveling up your relationship or deciding if they should stay or go, using her proven three phase process based on the behavioral science of attraction oh my, this is going to be good this heart and executives can create their ultimate relationship fast and become successfully in love.
3:29
Cassandra: Ultimate relationship fast and become successfully in love.
3:35
Cassandra: Katarina lived and she also worked in six different countries.
3:36
Cassandra: That is amazing, katarina.
3:38
Cassandra: Wow, that's amazing, and I'm getting ready to go to South Africa and Greece.
3:42
Cassandra: You've been seen like a lot of places, but this is what I want to know what was life like before you started moving around and working in these different countries, because you also had a lot of jobs?
3:55
Cassandra: I'm kind of curious, before you start moving and stuff, what was going on with you?
4:00
Katarina: I actually don't really remember because I did my first move when I was four, so I was very young.
4:06
Katarina: I was born in Slovakia and my parents relocated us to the UK.
4:10
Katarina: I have now, upon reflection, with all the will be kind of coaching and development that I've done, recognize that was a pretty traumatizing move for a little kid to go to a foreign country and not speak the language.
4:22
Katarina: Um, and that was when the Soviet Union was collapsing, so we were, you know, kind of going from like a very eastern soviet economy to a western capitalist one.
4:31
Katarina: So that was like a whole minefield.
4:33
Katarina: But I think that's actually what really got me with that bug of I like traveling.
4:39
Katarina: I feel pretty comfortable.
4:40
Katarina: I you know my nervous system was pretty accustomed to the feeling of being in a new place and being essentially dysregulated.
4:48
Katarina: So I think a lot of the travel that I did was actually coming from a kind of slightly wounded place, which is what I see, with a lot of high-achieving people, a lot of their ambition, a lot of the kind of that nomadic energy.
5:03
Katarina: A lot of that exploration, that adventure can come from a wounded place.
5:07
Katarina: I actually have a client who he told me he felt most comfortable and most safe when he was on a plane and now this is a very successful founder, he travels a lot for work but he was like, yeah, I feel most kind of inspired and at ease when I'm on a plane and actually when we traded the guy, because his mother was on the plane like most of the time, right, and so when she was pregnant, he, he was like she was flying around and there, honestly, is something about kind of that conditioning becoming your blueprint.
5:36
Katarina: So for me, my parents they came to Slovakia right as communism was beginning to end, from Russia, so that was one big move.
5:45
Katarina: And then the UK.
5:46
Katarina: Then I stayed in the UK until I was about 19 and then I moved for a year.
5:54
Katarina: Then I came back, stayed in the UK for a few months and I went to Spain for a year.
5:58
Katarina: Then I came back, then I went to Dubai for two years and then they was like I'm staying, I'm staying, I'm not going to go anywhere, I want to settle down, I want to meet someone.
6:07
Katarina: But then I decided Canada, stayed in Canada for four and a half years and then I came back, went to Spain for two years, came back and now I'm in Canada.
6:18
Katarina: So we're hopeful, we're hopeful, my husband and I are hopeful.
6:22
Katarina: That touch wood, we don't end up doing another big international move because, right, it's tiring in your 30s and 40s, I have to say okay, now I missed it.
6:34
Cassandra: You said you don't really know about your childhood because when you were four, what happened?
6:39
Cassandra: I didn't understand.
6:39
Cassandra: I didn't understand what you said no, no.
6:41
Katarina: So what was life?
6:43
Katarina: You asked me what was life like before I began the traveling?
6:45
Katarina: I'm like you, remember, I was like three, two years old.
6:49
Katarina: Okay, okay, yeah right?
6:52
Cassandra: well, let me ask you while you were growing or maturing in life, did you have a passion like?
6:58
Cassandra: Was there something that you always wanted to do and if so, what?
7:03
Katarina: was that honestly?
7:04
Katarina: No, I think.
7:05
Katarina: Like a lot of kids, my dream was to become a vet and help animals, right, which is funny, because now that is definitely kind of one of my philanthropic focuses.
7:15
Katarina: I have a real passion for helping animals and helping the planet.
7:19
Katarina: But yeah, I, you know, I wanted to be a vet, then I wanted to be a writer, that I wanted to be an editor, then anything kind of around written expression, which is so interesting actually, because as I've finessed my business, I find that I'm writing more and more and more, and I know that that's coming next year, right, like I know that that's kind of the precipice, so kind of doing what I always wanted to do.
7:43
Katarina: I was really interested by love.
7:45
Katarina: I was always really fascinated by the concept and the topic and and relationships and you know, playing with my Barbie dolls, they all had relationships, it was something I was interested in.
7:55
Cassandra: Yeah, Wow.
7:56
Cassandra: Now tell us why are you doing the work you currently are doing?
8:03
Katarina: Yeah, good question.
8:05
Katarina: So I've always wanted to have impact in the world and I've kind of gone around different ways of trying to do that.
8:12
Katarina: I worked in philanthropy for a while direct philanthropy I worked with refugees.
8:17
Katarina: I studied gender dynamics, thinking I'd go to work in the international aid space and where I kind of landed was partly fueled by my own lived experience, which was I've always been a high achiever, I've always been very hardworking.
8:35
Katarina: I think I'm quite gifted in that sense.
8:38
Katarina: It doesn't bother me, I enjoy it, I like working, it fuels me and I know I can do a lot of good in the world.
8:46
Katarina: However, when I was trying to do all of this work throughout my 20s, there were a lot of things happening in the background.
8:54
Katarina: My parents went through a horrible divorce and I was trying to help them navigate.
8:59
Cassandra: I didn't realize it.
9:00
Katarina: But I had serious abandonment issues because of how much we traveled as a young family, how my father was away.
9:06
Katarina: I didn't know about that.
9:07
Katarina: And then when I got into my first engagement with my ex-fiance again I didn't realize that.
9:13
Katarina: But I was seriously, anxiously attached.
9:15
Katarina: I was very anxious, I was very fueled by that kind of abandonment wound and very dysfunctional, and it was only when I got to my thirties that it kind of dawned on me just how critical looking at relationships and looking at how we relate to others is for our well-being.
9:34
Katarina: Because I was in this world where, you know, my father's kind of worked alongside Joe Dispenza.
9:40
Katarina: I did my first coaching qualification when I was 17.
9:43
Katarina: I did a growth yeah, I've been in this world for a really long time.
9:47
Katarina: I worked in medical science.
9:48
Katarina: Growth yeah, I've been in this world for a really long time.
9:51
Katarina: I worked in medical science.
9:51
Katarina: However, I never looked at myself in relation to others it was personal development.
9:57
Katarina: Okay, it's very easy to do all the personal growth, all the meditation, all the qualifications, and feel very, very, very good and secure in yourself.
10:10
Katarina: And then, when it goes to actual relationship, you're a hot mess because it's a very different.
10:15
Katarina: It's a very different thing to be looking at right.
10:17
Katarina: And so that was me.
10:20
Katarina: Like you know, all throughout my 20s I've done retreats, I've done this, I've done that.
10:23
Katarina: I've read these books, I know these concepts, I'm very literary, but actually when it comes to the real embodiment of everything that I knew, my nervous system was completely out of whack.
10:33
Katarina: I had so many core wounds running the show, I had tons of limiting beliefs, I had all of this stuff around romantic relationships and so all of that to say.
10:40
Katarina: It was only when I actually solved for that piece and did become more secure and did become more grounded and safe and confident and comfortable in my own skin and did actually meet my husband that I felt the true freedom to go and self-actualize and to go and actually do good in the world, not from a burned out place, not from a place, but from a kind of well-resourced place.
11:06
Katarina: Right, and so so much of my work now has such a kind of big philanthropic mission.
11:10
Katarina: But all of that is to say, when I started working with different founders and executives, I saw that pretty much every single person I worked with had different issues in their relationship.
11:21
Katarina: Everyone was drained, stressed, anxious, illuminating, overthinking or avoiding maladaptive coping mechanisms, drinking too much pornography, whatever it might be, and all of this is taking away your power, right.
11:37
Katarina: All of this is detracting from the good you can actually go out in the world and do, right.
11:41
Katarina: So kind of my hypothesis is well, if I want to have impact and I care about this and I see this big gap in the market, why don't I dedicate myself to the relationship aspect?
11:51
Katarina: for high achievers who are incredibly skilled and talented.
11:54
Katarina: How can I become more secure so they can achieve more good in the world, so that I can achieve my impact that way?
11:59
Katarina: Does that make sense?
12:00
Cassandra: Yeah, it does.
12:01
Cassandra: It does.
12:02
Cassandra: And it's interesting because when I think of high achievers, they usually say high achievers also suffer with imposter syndrome.
12:09
Katarina: Yeah, no, high.
12:11
Katarina: Usually say high achievers also suffer with imposter syndrome.
12:12
Cassandra: Yeah, yeah, no, high achiever, everything's a high achiever, which is why I don't say that I work exactly, exactly.
12:14
Cassandra: And then, as a high achiever, you know you have to like pivot from career to relationship.
12:20
Cassandra: Like my, like the guys I was dating were.
12:23
Cassandra: Like you're not, I'm not, I'm not your employee.
12:26
Cassandra: You know, like oh, what do you mean?
12:28
Cassandra: The way you talk to me, you know it's like that's, that's.
12:32
Cassandra: That makes me uncomfortable.
12:34
Cassandra: So what do you think about when they say opposites attract?
12:38
Cassandra: What do you think about that?
12:39
Cassandra: Is that true?
12:41
Katarina: oh, what a topic.
12:43
Katarina: Yeah, opposites do attract.
12:47
Katarina: I will say probably and I'm butchering the statistic here, but I would say probably 70 of that oppositional attraction energy, though, is coming from a wounded place right, that doesn't mean it's a bad thing.
13:02
Katarina: Yeah, right, the other 30 is coming from a purely uh, this is interesting.
13:06
Katarina: I can learn from this person a bit different to make we create balance together, right?
13:09
Katarina: Yeah, my husband's more kind of introverted, I'm more extroverted.
13:12
Katarina: You have a nice balance.
13:13
Katarina: I'd probably burn out if I was someone fully extroverted.
13:16
Katarina: That's not a wounded thing.
13:18
Katarina: Yeah, we're talking about the opposites of you're more anxious and maybe a little bit more needy and maybe like, like that kind of physical touch and like that attention and like that validation, like being together more, and then you attract someone who's a little bit more independent, a little bit more elusive.
13:35
Katarina: Maybe they don't actually want that much push-pull dynamic that is going to be coming from a wounded place and that's going to be coming from you being conditioned to feel familiar, to feel safe with the opposite, which is ultimately what you got in childhood, which didn't feel like enough right which actually created those wounds in the first place.
13:54
Katarina: Yeah, they feel familiar, they feel comfortable.
13:55
Katarina: So on a subconscious level, you're attracted to that because it is familiar.
13:59
Katarina: Right, subconscious level, you're looking to heal it by bringing it back into your life as an adult um, you're, you're, you have a I don't know if it's in its trademark.
14:13
Cassandra: You're, you're, I like it when you said that found a successfully in love method.
14:21
Cassandra: Tell us about that.
14:23
Cassandra: Share some.
14:25
Cassandra: Also some methodologies on how we can have more healthier.
14:29
Cassandra: Also some methodologies on how we can have more healthier relationships.
14:33
Cassandra: And many of our listeners want to be married and some of them okay, but they're just really struggling in relationships.
14:37
Cassandra: What are some of the, the tips or the methods that could, uh, make have more healthier relationships?
14:45
Katarina: yeah, yeah, the first tip, and kind of the biggest method, is to stop looking outside of yourself, and, yes, you know, when it comes to finding love, you're going to need some strategy.
14:57
Katarina: You're going to need some, you know, kind of understanding.
15:00
Katarina: How do I show up, how do I communicate, how do I do all these things?
15:03
Katarina: Biggest work is going to be working on yourself, though, and getting yourself to a place where you feel free from any of your blocks.
15:12
Katarina: You know your blind spots.
15:14
Katarina: You feel pretty grounded and settled and comfortable with who you are.
15:17
Katarina: You feel safe, you feel secure.
15:19
Katarina: Your nervous system is very regulated and calm.
15:22
Katarina: You know what you need.
15:23
Katarina: You're able to articulate that confidently and free.
15:26
Katarina: Because you feel safe and secure.
15:27
Katarina: Yeah, you're pretty emotionally balanced, so you're not going to get triggered right, and because you've worked on your core blocks, you're not going to be projecting and dumping stuff into other people and therefore getting the wrong end of the stick, and so that's the most important thing.
15:42
Katarina: I I started out working with a lot of singles and helping with the kind of the more dating aspect, and then I realized that actually you can give all the strategy in the world, you can go to any matchmaker, if you haven't done that core inner work.
15:55
Katarina: It's pointless, it's short lived.
15:58
Cassandra: Right, yeah, I get that Cause.
16:00
Cassandra: I went to a matchmaker one time and it was a disaster.
16:03
Cassandra: It was a waste of money.
16:06
Cassandra: You know, and and you know, and I always wondered and I don't know about yourself because you're married, but when you are married, do you find yourself you are attracting individuals that you shouldn't?
16:24
Cassandra: Because you're married, it's like more people men are interested because not because I'm married, but maybe I'm.
16:31
Cassandra: I'm, I'm good with myself, I feel good about myself, I'm showing this confidence, so it's like I get more attractions because I'm married.
16:39
Cassandra: That's what I'm thinking.
16:40
Cassandra: I'm like, but I'm married.
16:41
Cassandra: You know now, where were you before I got married?
16:43
Cassandra: Why is that you?
16:45
Katarina: think that's so interesting and yeah, I mean I have seen that.
16:51
Katarina: But I will say my blinkers are just like don't care.
16:54
Katarina: Right, there is something about.
16:57
Katarina: I find that more with avoidant folks, where, for those of you that and I see this with my clients more even as you become more secure or you get married or whatever it is, you're essentially harder to catch right.
17:15
Katarina: You're not available anymore.
17:16
Katarina: You're less available, and so people who are maybe afraid of intimacy are going to be, unconsciously drawn to that because you are not available.
17:25
Katarina: That can happen a lot of the time.
17:26
Katarina: And then the other thing that can happen is when you are and I see this more with men when you are married and you are, you know, connected and in a monogamous relationship, you become coveted because actually you're that person who could commit and you're a man who can commit, right.
17:43
Katarina: So I see it being different with different genders, like with women.
17:46
Katarina: When men are attracted to a married woman, it's typically because they're not available and it's like that's the real and that catch.
17:53
Katarina: And actually beneath the wall there's a fear of intimacy, right.
17:55
Katarina: Because if you actually didn't have a fear of intimacy, you'd be going for someone who is available, but if you're afraid, you're gonna go for someone who's actually gonna be a real, real risk.
18:03
Katarina: And with the men who are, um, married, it's typically kind of a coveted like oh, I want what he has.
18:12
Cassandra: I know, yeah, that's that's so.
18:14
Cassandra: That's so strange when you talk about those unconscious blocks.
18:19
Cassandra: How will individuals know, or will they know, that this is the right one?
18:47
Cassandra: You know how you're dating.
18:48
Cassandra: You're like it's like a red flag, but I'm going to still stick with it.
18:54
Cassandra: How do you get out of that?
18:58
Cassandra: Because I see that being stuck.
18:59
Cassandra: You know it's not the right person, but you just can't get out of it.
19:02
Cassandra: Maybe you can't get out of it because you don't want to be alone, or I don't know.
19:07
Cassandra: Why do you think that is?
19:14
Katarina: you don't want to be alone, or I don't know why do you think that is, yeah, the.
19:16
Katarina: So it's a question how do you?
19:17
Katarina: know when you're with the right person when it's time to leave.
19:20
Katarina: Yeah, yeah, this.
19:21
Katarina: This is actually what I started my original coaching business around, because I spent so much of my first engagement like really questioning my gut instinct and trying to analyze.
19:32
Katarina: Can I trust my gut?
19:34
Katarina: What is my gut even saying?
19:36
Katarina: Is it actually my fear?
19:38
Katarina: Is it my anxiety?
19:39
Katarina: Is it my anxious detachment?
19:40
Katarina: Like, what is it saying?
19:43
Katarina: And what I learned was that fear and anxiety and kind of your self.
19:50
Katarina: I don't believe in self-sabotage, but your fear and anxiety is a very different voice to your wisdom.
19:57
Katarina: Most people aren't actually connected to their wisdom.
20:00
Katarina: They're connected to their fear.
20:03
Cassandra: Right.
20:04
Katarina: Because we're not conditioned to know our gut, we're not conditioned to know our wisdom.
20:10
Katarina: We're conditioned to listen to the fear, listen to the anxiety, act and then push it down.
20:12
Katarina: Oh, freak out, push it down, and so it's the greatest maladaptive way of handling it.
20:19
Katarina: So the best tip that I always tell people is, like, start the practice now of meditating and getting really clear on what does your gut voice feel like and what does the voice of fear feel like?
20:36
Katarina: Yeah, play around with like low stakes things.
20:38
Katarina: Just keep you know, play around with like you know, did you lock the door right in with your gut, see what happens and go back and check and if it's right, how did that feel?
20:48
Katarina: Right?
20:49
Katarina: Yeah, yeah, it out on a low stakes way.
20:52
Katarina: And, in tandem to that, keep doing that inner work on the core blocks that you have to make sure that they are being cleared, because now, for example and the reason you know, I say this like the reason I was able to marry my husband within a year of meeting him even though it was less than a year after calling off my first engagement, is because I had worked so hard on my blocks and cleared them out that I was actually so clear and
21:19
Katarina: so connected and so kind of tapped into my own wisdom that I knew, even though it was in many ways the most ridiculous thing to be doing to commit my life to this man.
21:28
Katarina: But I knew and it felt safe, whereas when I think back to my first fiance, the way that I knew there it was like up here it was like anxious you know, it wasn't really annoying, it was a protection.
21:41
Cassandra: It was yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like you didn't have a peace, right, right, yeah, you have to have a peace.
21:49
Cassandra: Now, what was some of your blocks that you had that?
21:53
Cassandra: I'm believing some of my listeners have those blocks as well, yeah, absolutely.
21:58
Katarina: And when I talk about the blocks, it's probably going to sound a little bit odd, right, it's probably going to sound kind of strange.
22:03
Katarina: The blocks that I had.
22:05
Katarina: Some are very kind of classical ones, like the big one was the I'm alone and I'm abandoned wound, right, which makes sense.
22:11
Katarina: I see that with a lot of my high achievers.
22:13
Katarina: If your parents are very busy professionals and they're out and about, you're probably going to have that.
22:17
Katarina: So when you feel alone and abandoned, you're going to be unconsciously drawn to men who will leave you alone and maybe underneath, right, that's just how it works.
22:27
Katarina: That's what I mean.
22:29
Katarina: Um, another big one that I didn't even know that I had.
22:32
Katarina: It was only when I started going into the depths of entrepreneurship that I really came up was.
22:37
Katarina: It's kind of a weird one, but this wound that I am bad, I'm bad and I it sounds so ridiculous to say, but actually, when we unpack it, so many children out there are conditioned because your, your blocks, come from childhood, right?
22:51
Katarina: Yeah, so many children out there are told off, are criticized, are, you know, told what to say, what to think, are ignored.
23:02
Katarina: Yeah, when we do these things to children, the unconscious belief that that child is forming about themselves is very likely going to be along the lines of I've done something wrong.
23:14
Cassandra: And.
23:14
Katarina: I don't know what it is and therefore I'm either defected or I'm bad, I'm not good enough.
23:21
Katarina: That's the classic one, right.
23:23
Katarina: It's kind of like shame, right, and for me that was such a a big one and I didn't see it all that much until I called off my engagement with my ex, and that's when this kind of gripping fear of like I'm now bad.
23:40
Katarina: I'm a bad woman.
23:42
Katarina: I called this off and I walked away and I'm in my early 30s and I'm like fallen and somehow right.
23:48
Katarina: And then I kind of worked on it and got rid of it.
23:52
Katarina: But then when I started building my business, it came up again of like who am I to do this?
23:57
Katarina: I'm bad, like I'm just bad at this, and all of that.
24:02
Katarina: I wanted to really work through it.
24:03
Katarina: So it's a really big one.
24:13
Cassandra: If you have any doubt, any self-doubt, any imposter syndrome.
24:16
Cassandra: Yes, there's going to be some of that inside of you and there's obviously a lot more to tackle, but they're kind of the big ones that I see.
24:20
Cassandra: So I, I know you, you got a degree and you know you've been to coaching, a relationship coaching.
24:23
Cassandra: Uh, this sounds like something that one cannot do alone.
24:27
Cassandra: You know.
24:28
Cassandra: It's like, like you said, we need to meditate, kind of think, take a deep dive into self and see what are some of those blocks.
24:36
Cassandra: Yeah, you know, like you said, I thought I was bad or abandonment.
24:42
Cassandra: So how do you overcome those?
24:45
Cassandra: Because I'm certain it takes it does take work, because we didn't get like this in one day.
24:52
Cassandra: You know this is as you indicate.
24:54
Cassandra: This is all childhood stuff.
24:56
Cassandra: So what ways did you overcome it?
24:58
Cassandra: Was it your education or you know coaching, or did you see a therapist?
25:04
Katarina: yeah, yeah.
25:05
Katarina: So I talk about this a lot, um on linkedin, where I tend to hang out and that's.
25:10
Katarina: You know.
25:10
Katarina: I did therapy for 15-16 years.
25:14
Katarina: Oh wow, and it was useful.
25:17
Katarina: It created good literacy in me of understanding you know what's my story.
25:23
Katarina: Where did it come from?
25:24
Katarina: Abandonment, blah, blah, blah.
25:27
Katarina: Didn't really give me any tools, though, and I had anorexia twice in my life when I was a teenager symptom of the abandonment wound when I was a teenager and then it came back when I was living in Dubai in the Middle East.
25:37
Katarina: That was really scary, because at that time I was 25.
25:40
Katarina: I felt a little bit too old to be having anorexia, which felt like a very kind of quote-unquote teenage thing, yeah, and I didn't know what to do.
25:49
Katarina: So I was doing my degree at Oxford when I was in kind of recovery and I was scoping out where to get help, and I ended up finding an eating disorder coach through one of my friends, through one of my peers, and working with her, and she had also recovered from anorexia.
26:06
Katarina: She wasn't a therapist, she was a coach.
26:07
Katarina: That was kind of my first beret, like I already had a coaching qualification myself, but I didn't really use it.
26:11
Katarina: I didn't really, you know.
26:13
Katarina: So, working with her, she began to teach me about the I don't know.
26:20
Katarina: She told me about somatic somatic healing and energy healing and working with the body and processing emotion, and that was all pretty new to me.
26:27
Katarina: I'd already done the Hoffman process which is an incredible retreat a couple years prior, so I already knew a lot of these concepts.
26:34
Katarina: But I actually began to apply them with a kind of a case study between learning stuff and knowing the theory and actually applying to a problem, and the anorexia was like a big problem that I had to fix right.
26:46
Katarina: I was not, so I started applying everything that I knew and it kind of became this like just kind of passionate, dogged focus of mine.
26:58
Katarina: In that year at Oxford.
26:59
Katarina: I was like I'm going to overcome this.
27:00
Katarina: I do not want this.
27:01
Katarina: This is a waste of my time.
27:03
Katarina: Yeah, I tried somatic healing.
27:05
Katarina: I discovered a lot of subconscious mind techniques and really I just went hard on healing, healing, healing, working on it and I did overcome it.
27:14
Katarina: I did overcome it, so that was really powerful.
27:16
Katarina: And then I continued.
27:17
Katarina: I moved to Canada.
27:19
Katarina: After that I started doing different types of coaching.
27:23
Katarina: Um, I played around with psychedelics, like I went deep into mindfulness and meditation and then when I was with my ex-fiancé and I thought I was all cured and healed and I realized, oh no, attachment theory that's the thing, and I began working on that.
27:39
Katarina: I got myself my first relationship coach and I worked with her and then got another relationship coach.
27:45
Katarina: So all of that to say it was years of what I call the scattergun approach, which is kind of when we try lots of little things and we exactly.
27:53
Katarina: And so what I really try to build for my clients now is a consolidated end-to-end system with the best tools and techniques in a chronological process that they can into that they can actually follow through and it's not something that they have to kind of spend years, like I did, trying all the different modalities, because I tried every type of therapy out there every time yeah, sounds like me yeah yeah, I did the same thing.
28:19
Cassandra: Um, so when you, you were in a good place is when you met your husband, yeah, mentally, physically everything you were feeling good.
28:29
Katarina: Not professionally, though, I will say that's kind of, because I think there is this kind of false emphasis on like everything will happen when you least expect it and your life will be.
28:39
Katarina: You know, when you're living your best life, then you'll find the love of your life.
28:42
Katarina: And I'm like that's kind of unrealistic, not real.
28:46
Katarina: There's a lot of pressure on people.
28:47
Katarina: Right, you want to be internally in a good place.
28:49
Katarina: Right, like internally I was in a good place, but professionally I was going to quit my corporate job, basically jump into the abyss.
28:56
Katarina: I was going to move to Spain with no plan, take a sabbatical.
28:59
Katarina: I, you know, I was like blank canvas.
29:02
Katarina: I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
29:03
Katarina: I'm just gonna go live my best life, whatever that might look right, whatever.
29:08
Katarina: I was scared, but I felt confident in myself, I trusted myself, I loved myself, I'd forgiven myself and I felt very secure in myself.
29:16
Katarina: And so I met him in this kind of place where I was on the precipice of moving countries and he was on the precipice of moving countries.
29:23
Katarina: We were both like, can we just move countries together?
29:26
Cassandra: and that's really how it all came about right, that's funny, um, when I was talking about, um, how individuals kind of get stuck in relationships, they see red flags and I talked about why it's hard to let go, you know, because I need somebody in my life.
29:53
Cassandra: Do you have any advice for individuals like that?
29:58
Cassandra: Uh, because for yourself, you, your ex-fiance, you was feeling something you know for you to say this isn't working.
30:08
Cassandra: What was the pivotal moment in your life during that time that said you know what?
30:14
Cassandra: This is not working.
30:15
Cassandra: What happened?
30:17
Katarina: yeah, a few things happened.
30:19
Katarina: One we were working with a marriage counselor and he'd kind of given us like a deadline right, like a kind of a time frame and then the relationship coach that I was working with.
30:28
Katarina: She also was very big on boundaries, which I'm big with my clients too, because most of the most but a lot of my clients come to me when they're in relationship and they're kind of debating like what do I do?
30:38
Cassandra: I'm not happy what do I do?
30:40
Cassandra: And?
30:41
Katarina: so I'm a big believer that you have to have a about a boundary.
30:45
Katarina: You can't stay unhappy forever.
30:47
Katarina: There has to be a window of time that you're willing to give it your best yeah changes you need to see, effort you're going to put in, and then you see what happens.
30:56
Katarina: And I gave it, you know, for me, of six months.
30:59
Katarina: So when that six month time frame was kind of wrapping up and I hadn't seen the changes that I needed to see and I wasn't feeling any better and we'd really tried very hard, like both of us, that was a big part of when I kind of my gut instinct got really loud that it's time to go, and I just don't think we were right for each other.
31:20
Katarina: And I think a lot of people do end up in relationships and people are not right for each other, partly out of fear, partly out of social pressure, partly out of thinking this is probably the best I can do or this is right, right, right pressure on us exactly as women.
31:38
Cassandra: You're exactly right.
31:39
Cassandra: Um, those high achievers, you know, work, work, work.
31:46
Cassandra: You want to get it right.
31:48
Cassandra: You know was it coaching that enabled you to turn that off and and do what was necessary for you to have a successful relationship.
32:00
Cassandra: Um, because I too, was a high achiever.
32:05
Cassandra: I call it a personality.
32:06
Cassandra: Yeah, and I had that challenge, you know.
32:13
Cassandra: But you know, and I always said, you know, I don't think I could get married while I'm working, because I'm a whole different person.
32:19
Cassandra: You know, and this was interesting I retired early and then I started, I let my guards down, but yet I still had those behaviors, you know.
32:30
Cassandra: So how do you, if those women out there that's working those high achieving jobs, how do they turn it off and get focused on their relationship, how do they turn that high achieving off?
32:45
Katarina: dna off.
32:46
Katarina: So I think that's the fallacy, because I think that's the wrong question to ask, right, and that's the question that the marriage counselor would ask me.
32:54
Katarina: That's the question that, like therapy would ask me.
32:57
Katarina: And I remember at the end of it I was like when I kind of tried to turn it off and I started bending myself out of shape and my plan was to, like, essentially, retire with my ex right, I was going to become a mindfulness teacher.
33:10
Katarina: I'm going to live in a beautiful forest and I was going to help him in this career and I was going to be like a meditation teacher and I started getting panic attacks and anxiety.
33:19
Katarina: And the funny thing is, with my husband now I make way more money than I was making in corporate, which I would never have imagined because I've not been doing this for long.
33:27
Katarina: I'm happier than I could ever have imagined.
33:30
Katarina: I work harder than I could ever have imagined.
33:33
Katarina: However, I'm not burnt out.
33:36
Katarina: I am in flow.
33:37
Katarina: I am in full state of energy, right, and he actually even today.
33:43
Katarina: Like you know, I crossed another kind of financial goal earlier today and I've been feeling quite unwell, like I'm losing my voice there and he was just like how are you doing?
33:51
Katarina: And I was like I get that.
33:52
Katarina: I need to rest and yes, I'm incorporating rest.
33:54
Katarina: The same time, there is such like a passion inside of me fueling me and so many of my own needs are getting met in this work that I'm really really impassioned.
34:06
Katarina: And that's not to say that I'm working, you know, 15 hours a day.
34:09
Katarina: There's a very clear boundary and a cutoff point of when it stops.
34:12
Katarina: But the point is, I'm in a state of aliveness.
34:16
Katarina: I'm in a state of like, joy and excitement, right and like and like, the constant celebrations of like achieving new goals and wow, you know the vision and the impact.
34:25
Katarina: And so my point with that is that asking how do you tone down the high achiever to me felt like the wrong question, because women didn't fight for freedom for so many decades, centuries right, and we don't even have it yet fully okay for all of that to then rewind the clock and just, you know, stay home.
34:44
Katarina: Yeah, staying home is what makes you happy and go nuts.
34:47
Katarina: For me, it's all about.
34:48
Katarina: The problem is it's not the high achieving energy, it's the fact that so many of us aren't living our full potential and we're not getting our needs met and we are stuffing ourselves into little corporate boxes right in our little corporate heels and our little corporate mini dresses.
35:06
Katarina: I know because I did this and we're stuffing ourselves into doing reports and work that isn't actually getting our needs met, and not to say that we're entrepreneurs like you know roses and daisies all day.
35:17
Katarina: Of course it's like things I really don't like doing absolutely.
35:20
Katarina: For the most part, it is enriching, whereas what I found in a lot of my corporate experience and I always had a very low tolerance for it, actually, but a lot of it wasn't enriching, and so there's a difference between doing a 12-hour day when you're tired and it's heavy, yeah, and you're resenting it, you know.
35:40
Katarina: And then you come back to your relationship and you're half dead right and you're grumpy and you feel depleted.
35:47
Katarina: And then you're putting a lot of pressure on your partner to like pick you up and lift you up, and it's so imbalanced and you're probably dragging a lot of that masculine energy into into the relationship, right, whereas I find when you love the work and you sure you're probably dragging a lot of that masculine energy into, into the relationship, right?
35:59
Katarina: whereas I find when you love the work and you sure you're probably going to be more on your masculine all day anyway you love the work.
36:05
Katarina: There is that flow, there is that passion and there is that energy, right.
36:09
Katarina: That is so nourishing.
36:11
Katarina: And so I have clients who come to me and you know they're like ceos of a global bank, they're c-suite execs, they're young, they're in their 40s or you know yeah and they come in and they're like oh, I feel guilty for working, I feel guilty, I feel guilty, and I'm like, whose guilt is that?
36:31
Katarina: how much of that guilt is yours?
36:32
Katarina: And you know, when they sit down and they're like, probably five percent is mine, 95 is not mine.
36:36
Katarina: I'm like, right, like you're loving your work, it brings you joy.
36:42
Katarina: You're the breadwinner.
36:43
Katarina: Be proud.
36:44
Katarina: You're not, you're not actually compromising your marriage with the hours that you're doing, like on a rational level.
36:50
Katarina: And so so much of the work is really about can we just reclaim our freedom?
36:55
Katarina: Yes, get, get our needs met and at the same time, shift, focus to actually prioritize the right things in the relationship.
37:03
Katarina: Right, because again, when we think about, yes, there is going to be a difference.
37:08
Katarina: If you're working a 12-hour day, there's going to be less hours in the day to focus on the relationship.
37:12
Cassandra: Exactly.
37:14
Katarina: But is it not fair to say that it's better to be happy and nourished and exhilarated, full of passion for those 12 hours and then come home and spend three hours doing the right things, right?
37:25
Katarina: Is it not fair to say that's better than spending six hours doing something you absolutely, you know, are suffocated by, you really hate, you resent coming home and having seven hours with your partner watching the TV, you know, and like not really having a conversation, not having any physical touch.
37:43
Cassandra: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
37:44
Katarina: So it really, to me, it all comes down to a needs exercise, which is a big part of the work that I do identifying what are your needs, what are your partner's needs, and how do you, kind of like a jigsaw puzzle like, piece them together to find your unique configuration of what works.
37:59
Katarina: And that starts with you right you don't have to change your job.
38:04
Cassandra: Yeah, exactly that's what I was going to say.
38:06
Cassandra: It's kind of like you said what's fulfilling.
38:09
Cassandra: You know, get that part right Because you have to work, unless I mean, even if you're a millionaire I mean, even if you're a millionaire, why would you have to do something?
38:17
Cassandra: I mean you just don't sit around.
38:19
Cassandra: Yeah, exactly.
38:21
Cassandra: So you have that.
38:22
Cassandra: And you also talked about you had a coach, you had therapy, and if you wanted to work, you have to work it.
38:29
Cassandra: And it appears that you really work, that you spend a lot of time, you know, trying to find yourself.
38:35
Cassandra: What are my unconscious barriers?
38:40
Cassandra: What?
38:40
Cassandra: What is stopping me from, from getting it?
38:42
Cassandra: Yeah, I still do that every day.
38:45
Katarina: Like I, I tell my clients, once you're on the train, it's hard to get off it yeah it's kind of addictive in a good way, not in a kind of like I'm fixing myself, but I'm just in a, in a state where I'm like, how good can this get?
39:00
Katarina: Like, this is pretty cool right.
39:02
Katarina: Like now I'm seeing like after the first year of grinding in my business, now I'm seeing like the wealth, like the real wealth, come through and I'm like, holy moly, this is really cool.
39:11
Katarina: And I know it's down to pure strategy.
39:13
Katarina: You know it's like a big chunk of it's because I've actually cleared the block.
39:17
Katarina: So I'm like, okay, well, let's take this money and reinvest it into more work on myself, more growth, more clearing.
39:25
Katarina: Just like how, how good can this get right?
39:27
Katarina: How good the relationship get reflecting, we're like, yeah, we're really happy, things are really good yeah and again it's not like we're not grateful.
39:37
Cassandra: It's just why not and there are some people that you know, when they feel that great, they're like something's getting ready to happen, yeah, that's the block, that's the block, that's the block, and that's something actually my own coach was teaching me.
39:57
Katarina: Um well, there's kind of two things I want to say here from a relationship front.
40:02
Katarina: I tell this to my clients that as you become more secure and you get out there and you're dating and you meet someone, do not be surprised if, at some point, you start to feel repulsed by them, you start to feel like kind of that ick feeling, you start to freak out or start acting really irrationally.
40:20
Katarina: That's okay.
40:22
Katarina: That is just your subconscious freaking out because you have something really good and it's your fear of intimacy kicking in and all you need to do is just slow down, give it some space not react right and just like let it wash over you and ride through you and come out the other side.
40:42
Katarina: And same thing when you're building a business or trying to make more money or whatever.
40:44
Katarina: There will come a point where you're like, oh my god, this is so good.
40:46
Katarina: And for me, like just truly looking at the funds in my account and being like, yeah, this is, this is okay, this is normal now, and just like leaning into it and like trusting it and just sitting with it and letting it wash through as you level up.
40:58
Cassandra: Right, yes, it's always yeah, yeah, yeah.
41:02
Cassandra: That is great, katarina.
41:04
Cassandra: You know relationships, you know you've heard the book Men Are From Mars, women Are From Venus.
41:10
Cassandra: I interviewed her on my podcast yeah, yeah, that's yeah, and it's just like you're saying the boundaries, understanding who you are, understanding your roadblocks, unconsciously, and working on those and not to think you can do it all alone.
41:27
Cassandra: And it's kind of like, well, how bad do you want it, how bad do you want a good relationship and a healthy relationship?
41:34
Cassandra: And then you hear people say, well, there's more women than men, so there's nobody out there.
41:36
Cassandra: I hear that a lot.
41:36
Cassandra: And then you hear people say, well, there's more women than men, so there's nobody out there.
41:39
Cassandra: I hear that a lot, and you probably do too.
41:42
Cassandra: And I'm like there's a lot of men out there.
41:44
Cassandra: It's just want the right ones.
41:46
Cassandra: Yeah, yeah, and that's the That's.
41:48
Cassandra: a block right there.
41:50
Cassandra: It's like it's not yeah, yeah, I hear it all the time and I'm like but yes, it is, you know.
41:57
Cassandra: And then you do attract, like you said, who you are.
42:00
Cassandra: If you're in a depended state, clinging, feeling abandoned, you want to attract that type of individual.
42:07
Cassandra: So look in the mirror at yourself.
42:09
Cassandra: Yeah, yeah, wow, this is some great stuff.
42:14
Cassandra: How can my listeners get in touch with you?
42:19
Katarina: yeah, absolutely so.
42:20
Katarina: The best place to start would be on my website, so www.
42:22
Katarina: katarinapolonska.
42:22
Katarina: com, or on LinkedIn.
42:26
Katarina: I read all of my dms on linkedin, for better or for worse, and I love to hear from people, so definitely drop me a message that you can find me, katarina polonska yeah, I think that's how we connected.
42:38
Cassandra: I think, yeah, absolutely, yeah.
42:42
Cassandra: Well, you were amazing, thank you.
42:45
Cassandra: Thank you for my individuals, my listeners out there, who, even though this podcast is for women, it can go both ways, in the event that a gentleman is listening as well, but for women, you've got some tips, some great tips and, like you said, if you want a healthy relationship, you know you have to put the work in and you can have one, so don't think you cannot have one, because that's another rule.
43:10
Cassandra: Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
43:14
Cassandra: So, thanks again.
43:15
Cassandra: And to all my listeners, I know for a fact that this podcast, this episode, is something that will resonate with a lot of your friends, so please share it and it will also be on all podcast platforms, and many of us would love to be in a relationship.
43:35
Cassandra: You know, I hear people say I don't need anybody, but a lot of those people that we're not talking about needing somebody, wanting and desiring to have somebody special in your life Right, absolutely Right, okay, well, thank you.
43:51
Cassandra: And to my all my listeners, as I say, bye for now.
43:53
Cassandra: And if you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe for now.
43:58
Cassandra: And if you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe.
44:00
Cassandra: And also, like I indicated, please, please, share it with your friends and individuals that you know this would be of their best interest to hear.
44:24
Cassandra: Thank you, god bless, and I always say bye.
44:26
Cassandra: For now, thank you.