Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Did You Choose The Wrong Relationship? And How To Choose The Right One

Transcript

Did You Choose The Wrong Relationship? And How To Choose The Right One · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself, supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're never getting any separation, divorce, or reorganizing life afterwards.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warren Tree people of the Coolin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome, welcome to this week's episode of the podcast, and it's a juicy one.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Did you choose the wrong person?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: And how to know you're ready for a relationship or you are ready for a relationship when?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Dot dot dot.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we end up in the wrong inadverticomas, the wrong relationship or with the wrong person, not because there's something or anything at all wrong with us, but perhaps because we didn't truly or deeply know ourselves when we made that choice, or we were not fully conscious, fully present, fully self-aware when we fell into or found ourselves falling into that relationship.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we made a choice from a place of limited self-awareness or external pressures.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: We weren't fully attuned to our needs or our values, and so the decision wasn't made with full clarity or the consciousness that perhaps it deserved.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: And this is something that I work on a lot with my one-to-one clients.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: How to consciously create a container, how to consciously choose and choose interactions and engagements, choose relationships that are deeply aligned with what you want, who you are, who you're calling into your life, what you're wanting to create in your life, what you're wanting to build.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: And it's something we will also work through in my upcoming free masterclass, the one thing you can do to heal your relationship patterns.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link in the show notes to sign up for the masterclass, and wherever you're at on your relationship journey, it will help you shift your relationship patterns, step toward healing.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: We'll use my signature framework, Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate, and I'll teach you how to recognize your own relationship pattern, reclaim your capacity and your power to choose differently, and to start the healing of your relationship pattern so you can step into a new version of relationship, whether that's with your current partner, even with your ex, because we need to reframe and redefine that relationship, particularly if there are children, or if you're solo, newly single, or wanting to create something with someone new.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: It meets you at all of those places.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link in the show notes to sign up for the masterclass, and if you're not able to join us live, there'll be a recording.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: So if it's something that resonates with you, I encourage you to sign up for the masterclass.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: But now let's get back to this week's episode.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: As I said earlier, sometimes we find ourselves in the wrong relationship or in relationship with someone who's not aligned, or we're looking back on a past relationship, questioning it, wondering how, why we chose it, how we ended up in the wrong again in a verticalness relationship.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: This happens not because we are inherently flawed or bad or wrong, but because perhaps we didn't have full clarity on who we really are, who we really were when we chose, um, and what we most wanted to co-create in a relationship when we made that choice.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Or perhaps not fully aware, not fully present, not in tune with ourselves, our wants, our needs, our values when we slipped into the relationship.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's the thing: if you don't have real clarity, if you don't get really honest with yourself and develop the clarity on who you are, what you need, how can you possibly choose the right person?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: The truth is also that every single relationship, good, bad, somewhere in between, teaches us something about ourselves, about our relationship style, about our relationship pattern, every heartbreak, every disappointment, every betrayal also brings lessons, and those lessons shape how we move forward, how we love, and ultimately how we choose our next partner, right?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: So today we'll dive into what it really means to choose the one because there is no perfect person out there waiting to be found.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Love isn't about destiny or luck, it's actually a conscious decision that we make again and again.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I really want all of you to be able to make that choice from a place of deep self-awareness, brutal self-honesty, strength, clarity, empowerment, all the things, right?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Consciously or subconsciously, you make a decision based on where you are, what you believe, what you feel you're worthy of receiving.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: And then once you choose a person, a relationship, you'll need to make that decision again and again, not just once, but over and over throughout your relationship, however long it lasts.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe that's forever, but maybe it's not.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Love is a conscious, or being in relationship is or requires of us conscious choice again and again and again.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Love's not just a feeling, love is an act, it's an ongoing intentional practice.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Love is a verb, and loving well requires daily choices, daily commitments in big and small ways.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: So you are ready for a relationship when you are deeply comfortable with yourself and with your life just as it is.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: You understand that no one is coming to save you and that there is no singular one person destined for you.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: You're ready for a relationship when you know that you will and have capacity to define the container for your relationship.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: You will decide who your one is, and when you make that decision, you will keep making it again and again throughout your relationship, throughout your lives.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: So you decide who the one is.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: You don't just find them, you don't just happen to come across this one.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: You decide who they are and you make that decision or make that choice again and again over and over as you co-create a relationship together.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because, as I said, love is not just a feeling, it's a verb, it's action, love is doing, love is a practice, and to love someone well is to understand them, to know how they need to receive love, not only in the way you are comfortable giving it.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: To love someone well is to be curious and interested in them, in their inner world, to genuinely want to understand them, their story, their wounds, and how their past, their childhood stories, their childhood wounds shapes who they are and how they move through the world in the present today.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's also about recognizing how their childhood experiences and challenges show up in their adult life and choosing to meet those parts of them with compassion.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, the reverse is true, right?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: All of this is true for you when you're looking at your partner, but you also want to be receiving the same back from a partner.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: To love someone well is to not only want them to feel safe with you, but to actively ensure that they do safe in all the ways.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: But mostly here I'm taking physical safety for granted.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about creating emotional safety, right?
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: To love well is a daily commitment to co-creating emotional safety, building, nurturing a relationship that becomes your safe place, your haven, your refuge where both of you can grow and thrive and become or expand into better versions of yourself.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's safe and also offers room for growth and expansion.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not a static thing, it allows space for you both to grow and expand.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: When you've done your inner work, your personal work to heal the relationship you have with yourself.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: When you've begun looking at your own wounds and really gently caring for, intending to them, healing them, you will notice a shift.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: What and who you're attracted to will evolve.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if you've been settled, if you've been settling, you won't settle anymore.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: You won't settle for that surface-level chemistry or a passion without substance.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: You will deeply desire someone who aligns with you, with your values, who shares your self-awareness, shares your integrity, and is also willing to do the work.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, they've they've done or they are doing the work, their own work and the work within relationship with you.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Someone who understands that love requires co-creating safety and seeing and valuing one another deeply and building trust and holding safe space for one another, creating that haven for one another every single day.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Chemistry, sexual attraction are absolutely important, but they don't mean much without that safety and trust as a deep foundation for your relationship.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: A relationship should add to your happiness, build on it, expand it, not create it, which is why I said earlier you're ready for a relationship when you are deeply comfortable with you, with yourself, with your life as it is.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: A relationship can expand your happiness, it can make you happier, but on its own, it should not be the thing that makes you happy.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: It cannot or should not make you happy on its own.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: A healthy love, a healthy healed relationship adds, it adds to you, it adds to your life, it doesn't save you from yourself.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: A healthy love, a love that comes from a place of healing, mutual respect, mutual growth, expansion, enriches and expands your life.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: It complements who you are, adds depth, complexity, meaning, and value to your life.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Love and a relationship doesn't fix you, doesn't complete you, doesn't save you from yourself, or it shouldn't.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy love isn't about filling a gap, filling a void or patching over things that you don't like about yourself or don't want to look at look at for yourself, patching over your wounds.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's about sharing life and building something beautiful and probably most likely imperfect, right?
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Together.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: This kind of love doesn't ask that you minimize, diminish, make small, keep small parts of yourself.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't demand that you abandon parts of yourself to fit into it.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't ask you to let go of parts of you.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: Rather, it invites and welcomes all of you, even the shadow spaces, even the shadow parts.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's a safe space to bring all of you.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: It wants all of you, doesn't tell you that you're too much, doesn't tell you that you're not enough.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: It amplifies and uplifts you and the full, rich, deeply connected, abundant, amazing life you've already created.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: It deepens and amplifies your relationship with yourself, not detract from it.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy love doesn't need to save you because you've already done the work to save yourself.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy love inspires and supports and empowers you to keep expanding into the best version of yourself.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: So the framework.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: How to know you're ready to choose the one in inverted commas, right?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: How to know you're ready to take the leap, co-create something with someone.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, you know yourself.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: You've done the work to understand who you are, what you value, what truly fulfills you.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: You're not looking for a relationship to complete you.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: You know that you are already whole and fully worthy.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know you are whole, you don't need someone to complete you.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Two, you understand that love is a choice.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: A relationship isn't about fate or luck.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about finding your prince or princess charming.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's about two people, perfectly imperfect humans who actively choose each other and commit to showing up for each other even when it feels hard.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: And to show up in the hard is when a relationship really cements itself.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing how to show up for one another, yes, in perfectly messy, imperfect ways, when things are hard is when it gets real.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, you're choosing from a healed or at least healing space.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Again, you're not seeking someone to fix you, save you, fill a void, you've committed to your own growth, and you want a partner who is too.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: You've done or you are doing your work, and you expect that the other person has and is committed to doing their work, and so you are choosing from a healed space.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Number four, you prioritize emotional safety.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: You're not just looking for chemistry, passion, great sex.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: You also highly, highly value a connection that feels safe, secure, emotionally nurturing.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: You choose someone who respects your boundaries, who's willing to have hard conversations, who creates space for open and honest communication, who shares their hopes, dreams, fears with you, and you feel safe to do the same.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: You are both committed to creating, co-creating an emotionally safe space where all of all of you, all of both of you, in fact, is welcome.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Number five, you look beyond the checklist.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: The right partner for you in this next chapter of your life isn't just a tick-the-box list, it isn't just a perfect combination of qualities on some imaginary list.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: They are a human who you can build with, someone who aligns with your values and someone who shows up for you and for the relationship consistently.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: They do what they say, their words are aligned with their actions, and you look beyond just ticker box, it's deeper than that.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Number six, you choose someone who chooses you.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to chase, you don't settle for someone who is unsure or uncertain about you.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: You choose the one who also is actively choosing you back every single day.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: And inherent in that is that it is an emotionally safe space.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: You know that you are chosen.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and you feel by the way this person reacts and responds to you that you are worthy of this relationship.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to chase, you don't have to prove yourself, you're choosing someone who also chooses you.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now, you're not choosing someone just because they're choosing you, but you are choosing someone who is also choosing you.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: And the last point is you're both ready, you're both ready to co-create a relationship.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: Again, you know, love, deep relationship, deep connections, not just finding this person, the right person, it's about committing to building to co-creating a dynamic where both of you feel fully seen, fully valued, supported, expanded, held, right?
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: You're both ready to co-create something that is connected, loving, yes, and also really aligned with not only who you are, but with where you're headed, what you want to create in your life, your values, your hopes, your dreams for your future.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: There is likely more than one the one in your life, across your lifetime, in your experience.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: So when you're ready, when you know yourself, you know your worth, you know what truly aligns with you, you choose someone who becomes the one.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: You choose someone who's willing, capable, open to becoming your one, just as you become theirs.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: It becomes a co-creation of something rather than uh I'm going out to find my my one and only, my one person.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: You choose a person and they become your one through the work you do in building a relationship together.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: It is about consciously, intentionally choosing, but consciously, intentionally, and with the understanding that love is a choice, it is an action, it is an intentional act and not just a feeling.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: When you really get that on a deep cellular core level, then you know you're ready for a relationship.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're someone who feels like you've chosen the wrong person, you've got a pattern, you keep choosing the wrong person, I'd really invite you to think about what I've raised in this episode.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: To think about doing your work, healing your wounds, healing your worthiness wound so that you can step out and intentionally choose.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: Intentionally create a container whereby the right person is welcomed in, and you can create a healthy, connected, fulfilling version of relationship, something different from what you've chosen in the past or what you've chosen to create for yourself in the past.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've taken something from this episode.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: If you like it and you know someone who would benefit from hearing it, maybe even your ex, feel free to share it.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: I would love for you to share it and also rate, review the podcast so that we can get it into the ears of a whole lot more people.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, bye for now.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: Until then