Latest / Unstuck with Bill / Unstuck with Bill - Practical steps to restart artistic practices part 1
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- speaker-0: Mm-hmm. speaker-1: Because I think when work got busy, the creative side, the creativity, ⁓ the time and energy for it kind of went away. And then I don't know how you work, but you know, when I have any kind of creative energy, I devote time and energy to it, it begets the next idea and it just feeds on itself, it continues and When it stops, it's kind of like really hard to get it going again. speaker-0: I'm Bill Ferguson III. For more than twenty years as a mediator, I've helped people move through conflict, uncertainty, and change. This is Unstuck with Bill. The podcast where we don't just talk about problems, we give you the techniques to get unstuck. Today's guest, Chris, is from Los Angeles. He is trying to reconnect with the passions and interests that once energized him but have faded over time. Hi Chris, thank you for being here. speaker-1: Hey Bill, thanks for having me. speaker-0: So Chris, we talked in detail for a couple of hours about why you feel stuck and perhaps you can give our audience a quick overview of where you were previously and where you are now. speaker-1: ⁓ yeah. So if I wanna start at the beginning and kind of summarize real quickly, ⁓ when I was twenty years old, I got into a relationship that lasted for about twelve twelve years. It was a relationship that ended up being a lot of gaslighting and lies and cheating and and ⁓ eventually abuse and a lots of ⁓ I carry a lot of damage and trauma from that in the past that I've done work on, but we can get to that a little bit later. when that relationship ended, he passed away in two thousand four. I came to LA and ⁓ basically started over. And in two thousand seven I met my partner, I met my current husband who ⁓ With ever since. About in twenty thirteen, I picked up my watercolor set that I had from architecture school. ⁓ as part of a a challenge from my work from my employer at the time ⁓ to do a creative exercise. It was a competition internally just for fun. And it kind of awoke that little spark in me f of creativity that I had growing up. And I kind of started just painting and drawing from there and it just kind of fed into itself. Which led to me selling a few pieces. ⁓ I I created a profile on Satchi art and I got featured as like best new piece of the week. ⁓ so I I know there was yeah, I was I saved the email. I want to print it. so I know there's I'm not too doing my own harm, but I know there's something there talent-wise where that I want to foster. ⁓ and at the same time, since about twenty fifteen until last year, I had a lot of ups and downs with work. lots of transitions get getting let go, choosing to leave for various reasons, and my enthusiasm over my career kind of waned. And when I lost my last job in twenty twenty-three, ⁓ I was done. I just said, I'm not doing this anymore. I lost all sense of s confidence in my abilities. And I switched gears, I got a certification as a personal trainer, and I worked on that for a year, built a small business. It wasn't nearly as much money as as I had been making. So when an opportunity landed in my lap for to go back into architecture with a woman I had worked with in the past, I took it because The relationship I have with her ⁓ is probably the best professional relationship I've ever had. And she really respects my abilities and trusts in me and gives me the freedom to do what I know how to do. And basically my confidence level and my built my ⁓ just my overall pot attitude towards the my career is is back up there really high. I was juggling that and personal training part-time s and it was draining me so much that I got pretty sick last October with the sinus infection and ⁓ for about three or four weeks and got some food poisoning at the tail end of that. And I just kind of realized, okay, I need to cut something out. And so I decided to cut out personal training as much as I loved it, ⁓ just so I can have some free time. And I really realized that this creative side of me that basically slowed down to an almost actually basically stopped over the last five or six years because I had gotten so busy and so up and down with work and just so mentally not connected to it that ⁓ I really wanted to kickstart it again. And I've been trying and trying over the last year and a half since working with this woman. And now that I've freed up some time in the past few months, I have time to do it and I'm sitting there every night trying to get the pen and paper. sketch some ideas for paintings and or to doodle and just kind of get the ball rolling and I just I don't get don't get anywhere. So I kinda wanted to when we talked before you said you know s that might be tied into the past relationship ⁓ the damage caused in that relationship with with regard to the gaslighting and telling me, you know, my everything I liked was wrong and or to or bad and and speaker-0: ⁓ yeah, that was one of the things you that was really very specific about that you were talking about how pretty much you could do no right, nothing you your any opinion you had was the wrong opinion. You even was saying how even when you played music that you like, ⁓ that was bad music, you know, it it didn't matter what it was. And y you know, it remind me and how many years total were you all together? speaker-1: We were together twelve years and speaker-0: That's a long time to take that kind of verbal abuse. speaker-1: I was twenty years old when we met and speaker-0: Mm. It's already an informative age. So speaker-1: Also being being gay, you know, in the eighties, I I wasn't out until college. So in high school when most people are dating and practicing having relationships with people, I wasn't doing that. So he was my first relationship ever. Wow. So I didn't I didn't know any better. And ⁓ so I just went along with it. He was five years older and seemed like speaker-0: Right. speaker-1: Like he knew everything and he was just lying to me from day one and I never saw it until the very end. And then he was just ins insulting me and and ⁓ forcing his taste down my throat in a way that shamed me from what I liked when it came to my like you said, my music, my taste in clothes, my everything. So speaker-0: So let's let's jump ahead a little bit 'cause like I said, I think that's part of the the base of where why you're stuck in my opinion, and we'll come back to that. Dealing with now, when you notice yourself like hesitating before creating, what do you feel in your body before you it before you even think about anything? Like is there any like emotional feelings or something going on inside? Even when you're trying to doodle, have you ever like sat with that and said, You know, I want to doodle, but why am I not feeling it? speaker-1: ⁓ I end up feeling angry when I can't come up with an idea. speaker-0: Okay. speaker-1: I end up trying to draw something like ⁓ maybe a r from a photo reference. yeah, my thing isn't realism. I like abstract stuff. So and abstract stuff is really hard to start with a blank piece of paper. Right, right. but No, it's literally blank piece of paper, blank mind. You know, I don't have an emotion. Maybe if I had an emotion it might get the ball rolling, you know, 'cause some of the best some of the best creative art has a lot of emotion in it. maybe I need to try to tap into that somehow. But yeah, when I'm sitting down to try to get some ideas out, I just it just I just block, you know, there's just nothing. And ⁓ so I just try to move my pen across the paper and just nothing really manifests. speaker-0: I see. Are you are you when you're doing that, are you are you in a space that feels creative for you? Like do you have a space where you do this or are you just sitting at the kitchen table or kinda how does that work? speaker-1: Yeah, I ⁓ I have a desk in the guest room with my supplies on it. ⁓ usually when I'm doodling I'm on the couch in the living room, watching the news or something after work, trying to just kind of decompress from work. ⁓ I don't I haven't dedicated time specifically out of my day to sit at the desk and do this type of work 'cause I wanna have an idea when I go into it, but maybe that's the wrong approach. But I do have a small space. I I would like to have it a little bit more defined, but yeah. speaker-0: Right, right. ⁓ okay. Let me think. So you said you're basically and everyone's creative process is different, but for you, you're you're trying to pull from something to then create something new. What I'm hearing though is that you're really not dedicating a time or a space to it. You're just kind of doing it I guess the same way when we watch T V and we're also on our iPad or on our iPhone looking at Facebook or something else, right? It's kind of the the same way in a way, right? I mean do you think that in a you know very small way, it only takes very little little changes and little things to consider. Do you think that right now because you're restarting, ⁓ if that's the best environment to actually do that in? speaker-1: Probably not. No. ⁓ I have a very structured day most of the time. So when I'm not working. When I'm not working I I tend to avoid adding further structure to it. So But I think you know, when I would do it before, I would s I have I have a software on my iPad and a pencil that I can draw on my iPad with. And I would I would literally just choose different pens and colors and textures and just kind of move them across the screen and look at it and see what I saw. Take that to the next level. And they these were meant to be ideas for paintings. and I haven't even been able to really do that. ⁓ I look at I I try and I just look at it and I erase it and ⁓ just nothing is moving beyond the initial whatever the word is I'm looking for, the initial ⁓ effort, you know. So I don't know if it's I think, you know, it's a psychological thing tied into something where I don't trust myself. So I don't trust my thoughts around what what I'm trying to do. Right. speaker-0: All right. So one thing I want to suggest we try is it's something I call stabilizing the situation, right? You've got some a past internal message going on, you know, a voice or whatever you want to call it that it might be saying that it doesn't matter what you draw, it's not going to be good, you know, or it does, but something is blocking you from restarting because you've done this before. So you had this the space and the capacity to do it. four. When you think back to when you were really into it and you know, when you were you were getting this kind of recognition, what was your process then to start the prep, you know, start this initial ⁓ doodles or whatever you do for your process to create a painting? Like did you have a more structured place? Did you have a more structured format? speaker-1: Yeah, at the time I lived in Oakland and down the street from us was this ⁓ place called American Steel Studios, which is a big artist's studio space converted from an old steel mill. And there was a woman in there that had open workshop then not classes, but you go in there, she gives you the supplies and you just paint and then you review it afterwards. And ⁓ so I did two or three of those and came up with some really Really interesting stuff in my opinion. And that kind of That process is how I went to my iPad, like I just mentioned, and would start sketching and just kind of see what came from moving the pen on the on the pay on the screen. And ⁓ that's been the most successful process for me. ⁓ So that's how I got started. I think when I sit down and try to draw something intentional or like a specific image or something in my mind, it doesn't manifest. It's kind of like I I randomly grab a pen or penbrush or whatever and I move it across the the pat the palette of whatever medium I'm working in and I just look at it and kind of see what Kind of like a Rorschach test. I'd do that and I kinda look at it and see what I see, you know, and take it from there. And I'll add to it to kind of make it something. speaker-0: So in the way you used to do it, it seems like you had an aspect that was community based, meaning that you went someplace intentionally, right? You had, you know, for better words, we let's call our mentor or somebody that was also interested in the same thing, where you could, you know, free flow, try ideas in that space, maybe get some feedback, maybe get some ideas from there. ⁓ I think one of the first things to do next would be to look at finding a similar starting point versus trying to do it at home on your own. And I want to give you a really good example because I think you will 100% get this. Let's take training, personal training, right? I have a personal trainer. God, I need a personal trainer. I love to work out, but I don't work out if I don't have a trainer. I'm at that point, I've been at point for 10 years. If I don't have an appointment to show up and do my workout, and when I do it with my trainer, I get a much better workout. You know this, you've done training, right? So that is a point where I have, I've not only made a commitment to him, but I made a commitment to myself. Okay. And by doing that, I show up for the most part, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at one o'clock. Some days I feel terrible and I want to call in sick. You know, not that I'm sick, but you know what I mean. I want to say, Hey, I'm not feeling up to it today. But at the same time I've made a commitment to him. Subsequently I've also made a commitment to myself. speaker-1: Hopefully he charges you when you don't hopefully he charges you when you cancel last minute the kind speaker-0: He does. I he didn't in the beginning and I said, You have to charge me even if I cancel because I need to it needs to be it needs to hurt. It needs to hurt somewhere. So I would like you to be free to now and I want to have you back on, but I'd like you in the next couple of weeks to see where I know you have a busy work schedule, but see there's got to be something in the area you live that you could go to a similar even if it's just on the weekends. speaker-1: Exactly. speaker-0: But something you commit to for yourself, but you also tell whoever this person is, and whatever kind of structure they have for fees or paying to be there or whatever, that yes, I'm going to show up on Tuesday nights or Wednesday nights or whatever, whatever it is. And I really believe from what you've said in your past experiences that that is a really good way to move forward. Because the whole idea with being stuck is we're not going to have an immediate answer to the whole problem, but it's about giving you a step. to move forward and then the next step after that until you're back doing what you did in twenty thirteen, twenty fourteen, you know, and feeling good about it. speaker-1: Yeah, I can do that. I know there's plenty of plenty of organizations and places around me that I can look into. ⁓ speaker-0: Yeah. So I'm giving you that assignment. When we come back on, you're gonna tell me all about those first few days with that. Okay. Well, I just think it helps. Just like being accountable to a trainer, as a trainer, you know that. If somebody said, I want to lose weight and I want to do this, and you and you're helping them with that process, they're accountable to you, right? So it's helpful to be have somebody who's really doesn't necessarily have any skin in the game except, you know, I like speaker-1: Yes, sir. speaker-0: any of my people that I'm helping to make some movement, right? It may not be exactly the way we're talking about today, but something, if something we can get something moving, I think it'll it'll help. The other thing I want to try is this technique I call clear the cache. Like when you're clearing your computer cache. Mm-hmm. I call it cash. I don't know if that's the right phrase, but that's how you pronounce it. But that's what I call it. Okay. So what I want you to do speaker-1: Same here. Yep. speaker-0: When you start getting back into whatever outside the house way you do this, and then subsequently when you also start bringing that at home, I think it's important to create for yourself without judgment. Right? Because here's the thing. And you again, I'm gonna refer back to training because that's something you also know. If I didn't train for three months. And I came back to you three months later and said, ⁓ I'm sorry, I've had this, that went on, blah, blah, blah. And I said, but well, I want to jump back in. You're not going to jump me back in at 40 pound weights where I last was at. Because you know that I have to rebuild the muscle memory to get to that point. It's the same muscle memory on the creative side, right? You have to rebuild that muscle memory. You can do it. You have it in you. But you need to allow yourself the ability to say, okay, probably whatever I create, at least initially, might not be that good, but I'm not going to judge whether it's good or not. All I want is to flow. I want to get my creative juices flowing. Whether they flow for 15 minutes or for 15 hours next week. So it I think the whole idea behind the technique is that you don't let the past or the past memories or the past Past anything, be the baseline for what you're going to move forward with. So you do what you do, whether it's you know a doodle or a full painting, but you don't judge yourself for it. Because again, you're in some ways, you have the capability, you have the interest, you have the desire, but you're rebuilding that muscle again, that creative muscle. Right? Yeah. speaker-1: Logic logic logically I know I shouldn't judge myself, but it's speaker-0: Just that I know, but it's hard. We all do it. You know, we it's a natural human thing. Unless you're a full narcissist, you are gonna judge yourself, right? Yeah, exactly. What I tell clients and guests in this space, when you're doing something that you want to do again, you've done it before, you know you can do it, but you're starting over, it's okay to be uncomfortable as you are trying it over. Right as you're starting it over. It's okay to be uncomfortable a little bit. It's okay to not feel like it's your best work or that you can do better. Could you really it's okay to have it come in, but let it go right back out. Just as quickly as it flows through your mind, let it go right back out. Because you do know in the base core of your mind, I am really good at this. People have told me it. I know it. I've sold paintings. You told me when we talked. That back in tw in you know, back ten plus years ago you were selling stuff. That's an incredible sign of talent when people will spend good money and it's not your mother. You know? speaker-1: one of them was my mother, but yes, there was more. speaker-0: Okay. All right. All right. So ⁓ that's good. Mom supports you, right? But but my point is you don't need this be good. You just need to keep moving. Okay. So what I want to do is create a start. First of all, by finding some sort of environment you can re get back into your flow because you know it worked the last time. Yeah. And then go ahead. Yeah. speaker-1: I was just saying I I started to try to find something but I kind of got frustrated. I just need to do it. I I speaker-0: Try one. Try one. If that one doesn't work, try a different one. It's like trainers. Not every trainer works for every client, right? You just and not every client works for every trainer, you know. And even as a mediator, I've I have fired a few clients over the year because I'm like, I you are not somebody I feel I can, you know, benefit. Help, help. And sometimes it's me, sometimes sometimes it's the dynamics. It's usually them, just to make sure my audience is clear. ⁓ but no, some people in mediation really say they want to mediate, but they don't want to mediate. And I won't work with people that don't want to mediate, right? But my point is with you, is you you know this from your own experiences anyway, and you're capable of doing it. so yeah, I think if you if the first one you try doesn't work, don't give up. Right? Because I really believe if you start it. And you don't judge any of the work you do initially. You know, you're gonna eventually start probably wanting to, you know, you'll get to that point. But when you're restarting, it's like if I restart late weightlifting after three months, and then after two days I'm like, ⁓ I can't do what I used to do, I'm gonna quit. I gotta I gotta put that negative energy aside and say, No, I can get there, but I have to I have to rebuild. I took a break, maybe too long a break, but with for whatever reason I took a break. That's in the past. I can't do anything about the past. But I can do something about today and tomorrow. And tomorrow I'm gonna, in Chris's case, I'm gonna find a class, workshop, whatever it is, it's gonna get me reengaged. Get find a community that I can connect with. It's gonna get me re engaged, right? And I'm telling you, we do that and the flow will start coming back. The creative flow will start coming back. I totally believe that. Agree. Yeah. speaker-1: Okay. Yeah, I gotta do it. I've I've been hesitating and and making excuses, so I'll I'll speaker-0: Okay, well you don't have an excuse now because in three weeks you're gonna come back and tell me what class you're taking and and how you're doing. All right. And then we can build on some of the other stuff that that still from your past is still keeps showing up. But I wanna get the creative breakthrough growing because I really think that that will help all that other stuff. It really will at a certain point. At least the way I wanna teach. speaker-1: Think so too. The the posit the sorry, talk didn't mean to talk everything. Yeah, the the positive feedback is is is ⁓ always fuel for the the drive to do it. And then when I get the positive feedback and I have an idea that I put down on paper or canvas and it's like a good it's like a healthy cycle that it just builds and builds and builds and it it helps me across the board with everything. So it's it's a real fuel for my soul and on a lot of levels. So I'm ⁓ excited to try to get this going again. So hopefully I find the right pl the right place before we check it. speaker-0: Just just look. Just look. You know, it's there's usually a lot of choices and and sometimes the first, second, third one's not right. But you don't sp don't spend time if you know, hey, this is not the right fit for me. Don't even if it's a one hour workshop and you're like, I'm ten minutes in, it's like, ⁓ they're not they're not motivating me. They're not making me feel like I'm in a creative space, I'm gonna move on. You know, just walk out. It's like a bad movie. Just walk out. Why waste your life on something that's not gonna not gonna serve you? speaker-1: Yeah. I have a couple of ideas of where to reach out to, so I'm already thinking about it. Yep. speaker-0: Okay. All right. So then you will be back in a few weeks and we will see how you're doing and we'll move forward from there. And I've got some really great ideas for the next steps. ⁓ to go from there. Well, thank you very much. I appreciate you doing this today. speaker-1: All right. ⁓ yeah, it was my pleasure. And ⁓ I ⁓ now that I have it an assignment, I will definitely be looking forward to talking to you again. speaker-0: Before we wrap up, I want to leave you with one thought. Many of us have something we once loved doing that quietly disappeared from our lives. Not because we stopped caring about it, but because life got busy, criticisms got loud, or somewhere along the way we started judging ourselves more than we allowed ourselves to actually enjoy the process. What I appreciate about Chris's story is that he wasn't trying to become perfect again. He was simply willing to reconnect with something that actually mattered to him. And sometimes that's where the momentum begins. If there's something you've been missing in your life, maybe the question isn't whether you're good at it anymore. Maybe the real question is what small steps do I need to take today to get back to it? Thanks for joining us at Unstuck With Bill. I'm Bill Ferguson III, and I will see you next time. To learn more about my Unstuck techniques, or if you'd like to be a guest on the podcast, visit UnstuckWithBill.com. My latest book, Unstuck, How to Move Forward When You Don't Know What to Do, is available now on Amazon.com. And be sure to follow me on social media at Unstuck With Bill. Unstuck With Bill is produced by Unstuck Productions LLC.