Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep23: Trevor Noah vs. The Snake: Who's the Real Alpha? 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep23: Trevor Noah vs. The Snake: Who's the Real Alpha? 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: And Deng Basan follows the crowd, and he's having the blast, you can tell.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: You know, he walks out and he's like, Everybody, have a great time.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: I know you enjoyed that.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: Now it's time for a special surprise.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: Follow me, everybody, to the back.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: And he takes us to the back of the house, right?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: Where there's this area that they've laid out where clearly they have some sort of some sort of performance.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: There's a stage, there's rake seating, and he tells us to find our seats, and so we all we all sit down.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: And there's people from all over the world in our tour groups.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: Myself, my American friends, you got some British people, there's a French family, a dad and his son, they sit next to me.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: And so I sit in the front row, and Deng Bassan comes back out, and all of a sudden he's wearing like a giant Balinese headdress, looking really beautiful, you know?
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: And he looks at us and he's like, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for an authentic Balinese experience?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: Please welcome the snakes of Bali.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, the what?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, oh, he said snakes.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: The snakes of Bali.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I and I look, and there's snakes.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: There's a group of men gathering snakes to bring out to us.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: And so I'm like, oh yeah, no, no, I don't, no.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: No, because you see, as a black person, culturally, I'm trying to not die.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: So I take all my stuff and I start packing it.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: And the French guy turns to me and he's like, My friend, where where are you going?
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: The shoe is starting.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: I said, Yeah, no, um, the the the guy said the snake's coming, so I'm gonna move.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna go to I'm gonna go to the back.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, You're moving because of the snake?
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: I said, Yeah.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: He said, What why are you moving for the snake, my friend?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Are you are you afraid of a snake?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: He said, uh, yeah.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's exactly what I am.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm afraid of the snakes.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, such a big man, but you are afraid of a snake?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: I said, yeah, uh, with a big brain.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I'm afraid.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's a snake.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you're not gonna trick me into not being afraid of a snake.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like, my toxic masculinity is not so high that I'll be like, yeah, you know what, man?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, snaky.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, it's a snake.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Instead of just letting it go, this guy turns, he's like, I cannot believe it's a big man like this.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, Jean-Pierre, Jean-Pierre turns to his son.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, Jean-Pierre, Monsieur le Trois de Louis Chile, chef found, le Pascal du Chile, le Paso de Chile, and this kid's like, ha ha ha! Snake, snake, and he's like, We, snake! Are you a friend?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: Snack! What is this?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's a snack, snake, and these two carry on for like 15 seconds non-stop, right?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Just back and forth.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: Snake, snake, snake the whole time.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's like snake, are you scared?
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: Snake, snake, snake! I'm like, whatever, man.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: You guys lost all your wars.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: So I go to the back.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have time for this.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have time for this.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: Because there's snakes.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: So I go to the back, take all my stuff, and I climb up, and I'm sitting at the top, right?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: Because I I want to see the show, I just don't want to be a part of it.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so uh, so I've got I've got I've got my stuff, and I move all the way up to the top, and I sit there and as I get there, the show starts.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: And Deng Basan's really excited, and he's like, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your first performer, the powerful Python.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: And dude comes out with a giant python wrapped around him, right?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: And this guy had this cool trick where the python would squeeze him really tight, super tight, so tight you could almost hear his bones cracking, right?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: And then he'd make a sound, he'd be like, eh, and the snake would let go.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: And then it would start squeezing him again, and he'd be like, and the snake would let go.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: And it would squeeze him again, and he'd make the same sound, and be like, ee, and the snake would let go.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, wow, this is dope.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: This is cool.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, they're in a consensual relationship.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: I like this.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: This is uh And so he leaves with the snake.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Uh the next performer comes out, and this guy had uh he had a he had a green, he had a green mamba with him, right?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so and so Deng Basani's like, ladies and gentlemen, the green mamba! This guy comes out, and he had a cool trick where he he took the lid off the basket and the green mamba would come out and then it would start doing like a little move, and then someone would play music, and then the snake charmer would dance with the snake, and they'd do the same moves.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: It was dope.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: It was like a Justin Timberlake video, just the two of them, okay?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like back and forth.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Oh, that was dope.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: And the snake goes back in.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: And then Dung Bassan came out one final time.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: And he's like, now, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the final part of the show?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: Please welcome the King Cobra! The final performer comes out, the cobra puts the snake down, this is the lid, the snake comes out.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know what it was about this snake, but you could feel the energy change.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like, they were all snakes, but the snake looked mean.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like it looked like it hated life.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: There was something about it, like it, it like the snake looked like it had a mortgage.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: Because it looked at us and then fixed its eyes on the charmer, and he he was really cool and calm.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: He didn't even look at the snake, he addressed us.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, ladies and gentlemen, they say the cobra can strike faster than the man can blink.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: But can a man move faster than the snake can think?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, I don't know what that means, but I'm in.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: Because it sounds like a dumb Instagram quote, but I'm in.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: And this guy had the most amazing trick.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: What he did was he got right up close to the snake, and he'd put his hands behind his back, and then he would make it seem like he was gonna kiss the snake.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: And the snake would be no further than like a foot from his face, and then he would make the sound, like a kissing sound.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: And as he made the sound, the snake would try to bite him, and then he'd move out of the way.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: I've never seen anything like it.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: So he leaned in and he's like, come on, snake.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Too slow, Snakey.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Try again.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: No love for you, my friend.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, Snake.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: And all of us, all of us are enthralled.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: Every single one of us.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: No one's making a sound, no one's moving.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: And he does it over and over again.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: And then to take it to the next level, he closes his eyes, parts his lips.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I guess at this point, the snake was probably like, oh, I think I figured this out.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: This dude's gonna make the sound and then he's gonna move.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: But if I bite before the sound, I can change everyone's lives.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's exactly what the snake does.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: The guy closes his eyes, halts his lips.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: Before he can make the sound, the snake strikes him, bam, hits him on the mouth, right?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: Cuts his lip open, blood goes spraying everywhere.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: Now, that should be the end of the story.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: That should be the craziest part of the story.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: No, this is the middle.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: The snake hits him on the mouth, the blood goes spraying.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: This guy jumps back and then acts like he didn't just get bitten by a snake.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: Which makes us think we're crazy, because we all saw it.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone in the audience is like, oh, and then he jumps back and he goes, he just like shakes it off.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: You know what he did?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: He did that thing.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: You know that thing that people do where like you get their hand jammed in a car door or something?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, like it slams, and it'll be like, and then people just be like, mmm.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: He did that, but with a snake.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: So the snake hits him, the blood sprays, and he jumps back and he's like, mmm.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: Don't worry, we're fine, don't worry.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: Don't worry, everybody, we're fine.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Relax, relax, we're fine, we're fine, we're fine, but we weren't fine.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: You know how we know this?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: Because his face started melting on the one side, right?
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: So his face starts melting, his lips start turning blue, and he goes back to do his kiss trick again, but he can't even stand, and then he looks at the snake, the snake looks at him, and he's like, Okay, show is done.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: Good night, everybody, goodbye.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Good night.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: He runs off.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: And all of us now, all of us, are just like, what the hell just happened?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: He runs off.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: I have questions in my head.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, is he gonna be okay?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: Do we get our money back?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: How does this work?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: And then we turn back and we realize he's forgotten his snake.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what the worst thing was?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: Is it seemed like the snake realized the same thing at the same time?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: Because the snake also watched him leave, and then as we turned back, the snake was also like, oh shit.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: And so now it's just us and the snake.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: And mind you, there's no there's no barrier, right?
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: There's no concrete, there's no glass, there's nothing.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's an authentic Balinese experience.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: So we're all staring at the snake, the snake is staring at us.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: And then one genius decided now would be the perfect time to get an Instagram picture.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know if it was the camera, the sound, or the flash.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: All I heard was click, and the snake jumped up and was like, and we were all like and then it was chaos.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: Pandemonium ensued.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: Now don't forget, I was at the back, so I just jumped over.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, ha ha being black sides man.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: I was chaos.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: Pennic ensued.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone jumps up, people are trying to scramble, like trampling over each other.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: The phrase came off my finger because he jumps up and he's like, and he's pushing the people and he's running, he's like, Ale, Jumpier, Jean Pierre! And when he turns, his son hasn't moved, right?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: So little Jean-Pierre is planted to the spot, terrified.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: And you see his face, he's like, Baba, papa, papa, he's like, Jean-Pierre, alley Jean-Pierre, allez, mamma.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, Baba, baba.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: And so the dad realizes he's got to go back in and save his kid, right?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: But now this is one of those moments where I think you can see the fundamental difference between mothers and fathers, right?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: Because a mother, a mother would run in without thinking, and she'd be like, I will die for my child.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: Strike me now, snake, right?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's moms.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: Dads will also save their kid, but in the back of their head, you know the dad is thinking, yo, I'm gonna save my kid, but I don't wanna die.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I don't wanna die because this dumbass didn't know to run when his dad was running.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, there's a snake, and I start running.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: Why wouldn't you run at the same time?
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: Now I gotta die for your dumb ass, which makes no sense because I can make another one of you.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: You come make another one of me.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: I should just make you a brother and we can mourn your dumbass death together.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even know why we're doing this right now.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's what the dad was thinking, right?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: Because he didn't fully commit.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: Instead, he tried to sneak in behind his kid.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: And then he grabs the back of his hoodie and yanks him to safety.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: So now little Jean-Pierre is choking in the ground.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, And he finally gets him to the side, and another snake chama comes running out, grabs the snake, puts it in the sack, and finally, danger's averted.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody's safe.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone is safe, but terrified.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: Some people are crying, others are in shock.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm standing on the side watching all of this.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: Little Jean-Pierre's there with his dad, they're both in tears, like, désolé, mon ami, désolé, Jean-Pierre.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't speak French, but I know this kid was like, You asshole, you left me.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna tell mom.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: And so I'm I'm staring at them, and I guess they could feel that I was staring.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: So they s they both stopped at the same time, and they turned and looked at me, and I looked at them.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: And in that moment, in that moment, I realized we're all human beings.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: We all experienced the same thing.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: We went through the same trauma no matter what happened to us before, we're all human beings.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: Because they looked at me and I could see in their eyes what they had just experienced, what I had experienced.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: And in that pause, I bent down, I got real close to them, and I was like,