Latest / Very Fine Friends / How Francis Didn't Meet Your TV Show

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How Francis Didn't Meet Your TV Show · Very Fine Friends

0:00
in my bathroom there is a door like an exit door and the door has a big window on it
0:20
which i find annoying quite frankly because it lets so much light in and i it's impossible to
0:27
get the bathroom dark if you want it dark so i have to shut my bathroom door every night
0:31
but i can still see light coming anyway that's not the point of the story
0:34
i'm riveted and today we had like pest control come over and they just spray like every
0:43
month or two or something they just spray the outside of the house right
0:46
thankfully i knew that they were coming because i was in my bedroom and then like i you could
0:51
see it in my bathroom there's just like you can see a dude walking like right by that
0:56
window and I was like, ah. But luckily
0:58
I knew that he was coming because otherwise
1:00
that would have been terrifying.
1:02
And I don't know what I would have done. If there was just
1:05
a stranger in my
1:06
backyard, I don't know how I would handle that.
1:09
Well, let's find out right now.
1:11
I'm outside. I'm here.
1:13
I don't know this person.
1:15
Hmm.
1:16
Oh! What?
1:18
Hey!
1:21
Why are you...
1:23
Villain tent.
1:24
Did you say
1:26
villain tent?
1:27
No. I'm gonna hurt you.
1:30
Oh. I'm trying the door
1:32
now. You probably just
1:34
need to get to know me a little better. Come on in.
1:37
Can I offer you some tea?
1:39
Let me flip a coin.
1:40
All right. I'll come in.
1:42
Oh, good. I'm glad the coin
1:44
said you could come in.
1:45
Who is teasing?
1:48
You've reformed me.
1:50
Oh, you have no more
1:51
villain tent? No.
1:54
You live.
1:56
Great. Well, now I know. Perfect. Invite the man in. Good. Thank you.
2:02
The official vice of friends like us.
2:04
A stranger is prowling in your backyard, listeners. Invite him in. You might just make a new friend. A new friend like us.
2:12
Yeah. Great plug.
2:15
Oh, thank you.
2:15
Yeah, that was good.
2:16
I was hoping I would find an organic way to mention our podcast on our podcast.
2:22
Yeah.
2:23
I'm glad that worked out.
2:26
Welcome to Friends Like Us.
2:28
A pod...
2:29
A podcast for friends talking about stuff.
2:36
You should listen to it.
2:38
Yes.
2:39
Right now we're giving away 10 free listens to the main stuff.
2:43
Yep.
2:44
To the main stuff.
2:46
Quick.
2:47
Head on over.
2:48
The bonus stuff.
2:50
you might have to sneak into our backyard and try and wrassle it out of us jiggle our door a little
2:57
bit i'd be so worried that immediately i'd have to go to the bathroom someone was trying my door
3:04
like you'd think the that would make you need to go to the bathroom because it would make me
3:10
like my nerves like i told you i'm not gonna repeat it but i told you about my when i was
3:15
the bathroom when i thought someone was breaking in i couldn't like get off because i was like now
3:20
i have to go more just a second hold on no funny business can you just be cool pause your intent
3:29
pause your villain tent i know but i heard it has villain yeah that's a good pun
3:38
yeah thank you because he's a villain yeah that also sounds like a fun little idea a
3:45
villain tent where all the bad guys are in one tent yep what are they doing in there i don't
3:49
know don't don't you want to go they're sharing ideas yeah weaponry recipes holding up heads
3:58
oh yeah you're comparing their kills oh yeah yeah good for the villains i'm glad they found each
4:07
other stay busy and i hope it's a big tent with lots of different kinds of villains yeah like a
4:11
big carnival tent yes literally and that figurative big tent concept yeah yeah i hope they're doing
4:19
well villains if you're out there listening and we know you are drop us a line let us know how
4:26
you're doing and just so we can clear this up right now there is a distinction between villains
4:31
and predators oh yes yeah no predators we just have a be cool predators just just for once in
4:39
your life be cool yeah villains have a more noble agenda i would say it's more of a lifestyle choice
4:46
to be a villain yeah and usually comes with money that that's nice and cool clothing oh yeah you
4:53
have to have a custom outfit to be a villain i know i love that about them because yeah villains
4:59
um send us pics of of your custom outfits on any of our social media platforms we're at flu pod
5:08
official. Let us know what you're wearing and how you're doing. Quick interruption. Every week on
5:16
the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
5:24
Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our
5:30
conversation without the other person noticing. If the other person can correctly guess the secret
5:35
word, they get a point. And right before we die, we add up all the points. And then we get a prize,
5:45
whoever has the most points for guessing the most secret words. Here's Joe with today's secret words.
5:52
Jenna's secret word is sociology. Francis's secret word is electrodes. Back to the pod.
6:00
jenna what would your villain costume be it's a good question oh well do you have one in mind
6:08
let me think about mine well i used to get kind of scared by the imagery of hellraiser
6:12
like pinhead oh yeah um so something like that like where things were like sticking out all over
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me like needles or electrodes or like i don't know like knives or something oh okay well so
6:25
you're going like hardcore scary scary yeah like you're gonna comply just based on my devilish
6:30
symmetry i like i'm thinking more along the lines of like i'd have like a van dyke mustache
6:38
goatee situation and probably a cape of some kind that's that's more my villain style
6:47
i like the all black i do all black too you want to look like you might be about to rob a train
6:55
yeah about to rob a train or stop or i'd break into um an art opening at a museum and as everyone's
7:07
having their drinks and then i like come in and like command the room and for some reason nobody
7:12
stops me right then and there even though i'm way outnumbered yeah that kind of a villain
7:17
that kind of gives people a rush of endorphins yeah yeah yeah the fun kind of villain cool so
7:24
Is that really a villain?
7:26
You're right.
7:26
And he's there supporting the arts.
7:28
Yeah, exactly.
7:29
This is just anti-mustache propaganda.
7:32
I know.
7:34
What's more supportive of the arts than wanting to take it for yourself and keep it in your own home?
7:40
You're absolutely right.
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I support it so much.
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I want it all.
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Just buy the museum.
7:47
You don't got to take anything out then.
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What if you could keep your money and have the art?
7:53
Oh, good old stealing.
7:54
That's the villain way of thinking.
7:56
You gotta start thinking like a villain.
7:57
Yeah, plus they're gonna have to have such a nice place to put it all,
8:00
they probably are tapped.
8:01
Oh, I'm definitely a underground lair type of villain.
8:05
Oh, yeah, me too.
8:06
And I want to have, like, exposed cave in my living room.
8:11
I'm gonna have a sunken living room.
8:14
But, like, the walls will still look...
8:17
I want to keep that earthy cave look.
8:20
But definitely the sunken living room.
8:21
I probably have a jukebox, too, because I think that's fun.
8:25
Okay, suddenly, your guy sounds cool, and my weird guy seems like a monster.
8:31
I thought it was a weird choice.
8:33
Tell us about where he lives.
8:37
Well, he can't be underground now, because then he's just too crazy.
8:40
No, he could be underground.
8:41
No, he's in a penthouse.
8:43
Oh, okay.
8:43
All right, that's fun.
8:45
He's the opposite of underground.
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And his friends love him.
8:48
Of course they do.
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He's kind.
8:50
to just his friends yes yes he's not a villain against people yeah he's a villain against ideas
8:57
what is how does he commit his villainry he mostly blogs
9:04
he's a keyboard villain he's so self-conscious about his
9:10
knives oh oh so that's not like a choice to scare people that's just a deformity i made him a villain
9:17
because of my small mind.
9:18
Oh, okay.
9:19
He scared me once.
9:20
Talking about my neighbor.
9:22
So he's got a blog?
9:25
That's how he terrorizes the world?
9:27
Yeah.
9:28
He criticizes ideas.
9:30
He's just in his penthouse,
9:32
just typing away.
9:34
Yeah.
9:34
Okay.
9:36
Well, I bet our villains would be friends.
9:38
What's your villain's name?
9:43
Eduardo the Mysterious.
9:45
I don't know.
9:47
Eduardo.
9:48
Eduardo.
9:48
I like it.
9:49
Like how he invented a name for your villain.
9:52
Thank you.
9:54
Yeah.
9:54
I don't know why,
9:56
but that's his name.
9:56
Okay.
9:57
What's your villain's name?
10:01
Carlos Electrodes.
10:03
Ooh.
10:04
So do the things that are sticking out of him,
10:06
are they like electrodes?
10:08
Yeah.
10:08
They buzz.
10:09
Okay.
10:09
And if he arrives to go to the hospital,
10:11
he's already good to go.
10:12
They don't have to do anything
10:13
because they could just put the clamps on
10:16
his existing
10:16
deformities.
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So if he has
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assuming something
10:24
is clamp related that he's going to the
10:26
hospital for, he'll go to that
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specific hospital.
10:30
Clamp general.
10:35
What if he breaks his leg?
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He can figure that out at home.
10:42
they can't do anything for a broken leg it's like a toe
10:44
pretty sure that's not true
10:47
only if the bone comes out of the skin is a problem
10:49
oh so
10:51
people with broken legs they just kind of have to
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walk it off you go to
10:55
walkersandcanes.com
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and that's your new life now
11:00
take some adjusting
11:03
but you'll get used to it
11:04
alright well I'm glad we figured that out
11:07
I think it's time for our first segment
11:10
which is the invention of the week
11:17
inventions
11:20
what do you got for me francis um got a real winner and it comes with accessories
11:29
oh nice yeah sold separately of course yeah this is america we're not giving it away
11:34
I know.
11:35
My APS bill is going up, up, up and away.
11:39
You know how some people spill food on themselves and they eat?
11:43
I do know that.
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And it's always like, oh, they're wearing a nice shirt.
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Why now?
11:49
Why today of all days?
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Why does the food I'm eating have to not match the clothes I'm wearing?
11:55
Yeah.
11:56
Yeah.
11:56
So you know.
11:57
I know.
11:59
Listeners, I've never, this is not a Jenna problem.
12:01
I've never, ever seen Jenna ever spill food.
12:04
And I never have.
12:07
Or will.
12:08
Or will, yeah.
12:09
Yeah, thank you.
12:10
We sounded like Martians there.
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Anyway, so...
12:14
Not one single Martian?
12:15
Damn it.
12:17
So here's the invention.
12:20
The invention is a...
12:23
It's not a collar.
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You put it over your neck like a cape,
12:29
and it comes down over the front of you,
12:31
and at the bottom where it meets the table,
12:33
It swoops up so that anything you drop will never land upon you.
12:42
So it's a bib.
12:45
Yeah.
12:48
No No Okay It derived of a bib but but we we improving on it okay so how is this
13:01
improving because you just keep the bottom of it on the table i know the listeners at home couldn't
13:08
see the look of pure shock that i even asked that question oh my god a bib is for a baby this is for
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an adult so it's made of wouldn't an adult bib just be a bigger version of a baby bib
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okay all right all right keep going tell why don't you let him explain his genius before you
13:31
persecute him like this right i need um i'm cool but i think let's picture it it is not a bib
13:40
okay yeah you're thinking get it out oh gone it um it go on i'm listening it's bib like
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in the sense that it covers you as would a bib but it's made of silicone and it's moldable
14:01
silicone because the heights come at different tables and you mold it to the table you're at
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so the food slides down like a big slide let me tell you about the accessories i think that
14:12
might set this apart okay it also has a um a man tie accessory where it's like a little sleeve that
14:20
you put your tie in and it clings via static so if you if you didn't want to use the non-bib
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but you were wearing a tie
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and you didn't want to ruin your nice tie
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now you're in a tie sleeve
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and the tie sleeve can look like a tie
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why wouldn't you just put the bib over the tie
14:37
if you didn't want to use
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it's not a bib
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if you didn't want to use the cool
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non-bib
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so you want your tie to still be loose and flopping around
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this is in the absence of
14:49
the new cool invention
14:51
oh
14:53
if you only want to protect your tie
14:55
yeah if you didn't want to
14:56
That's not really an accessory
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so much as a different thing.
15:03
That's just a Ziploc bag for your tie.
15:08
I could see
15:10
that.
15:16
What's another accessory?
15:21
Okay, here's
15:22
this is cool.
15:24
You're like this one.
15:26
it's instead of a non-bib,
15:30
you've gotten in my head on this bib thing.
15:34
So far from reality.
15:35
Anyway, so there's, you know,
15:38
you know those thin, thin plastic material
15:43
where you can like rip it off and it's very thin plastic?
15:47
Or can you just imagine that?
15:48
Very thin plastic?
15:49
Yeah, super thin.
15:51
Yeah.
15:51
It would have to have like a suffocation warning.
15:53
It's so thin.
15:54
Okay.
15:54
Thin, thin.
15:55
like Chinese take out plastic bag thin
15:57
okay
15:58
you get those
16:02
similar to that but it has like a cling
16:04
a static cling and you basically
16:06
can rip it off and just like
16:08
over your shirt and it's just
16:10
there hanging
16:11
if you don't want to wear the other thing
16:14
but then the
16:16
selling feature of your non-bib
16:18
seemed to be that you could put the thing
16:20
on the table so that
16:22
nothing would fall under your lap
16:24
yeah so with that thing yeah do you then put the bottom of that like on the table yeah you do
16:31
yeah you do okay yes you do uh-huh uh-huh yeah yeah that's what that's right you got it okay
16:41
okay
16:41
another completely exasperated look from francis this still feels like a bib to me
16:52
No.
16:53
Give it a name.
16:55
We'll start calling it by its name.
16:57
This is not going to help my case.
17:00
What was your name?
17:02
It's going to be called the Bababe.
17:05
Bababe?
17:06
Yeah.
17:07
It's for hotties.
17:09
It's for sizzlers.
17:11
Bababe.
17:12
Is it too soon to pivot to a different invention?
17:14
Yes.
17:15
Okay.
17:16
Wait, is it too soon?
17:17
Wait.
17:18
You can't pivot.
17:19
Okay.
17:19
This is the invention.
17:20
Okay.
17:20
I think that the
17:22
scoop
17:23
you're not really
17:25
you would love the scoop and imagine if you gave it to
17:28
imagine you could drop something
17:30
on it and watch it zoom
17:32
like a hot wheel
17:33
yeah
17:35
on the table
17:37
like doing a rant
17:39
then you think
17:42
you're imagining people are going to love this so much
17:44
they're going to be deliberately spilling soup and watching it
17:46
fly
17:47
so then is there also something for liquids
17:49
to prevent it from coming out the sides?
17:52
Yeah, a
17:53
soup guard. Okay.
17:55
It's just a little lip. Yeah.
17:57
On the sides.
18:00
This is similar
18:01
to, and don't be angry.
18:06
So my, like,
18:07
little nieces and nephews,
18:09
they have bibs that at the
18:11
bottom, it's
18:13
folded, it's like, kind of like,
18:15
there's like a cup tray
18:17
thing at the bottom, so that when they
18:19
drop food it falls into that thing
18:21
it doesn't fall on their lap
18:23
really? it's like the new design
18:25
new design?
18:27
yeah
18:27
who did this? no granted it doesn't go
18:31
on the table
18:32
I don't know who did it I don't know
18:34
so they got halfway there and they needed me to
18:36
they needed you to snap it off
18:38
there's also the How I Met Your Mother with Bro Bibs
18:41
which is very similar
18:42
I don't watch that show
18:43
in How I Met Your Mother
18:46
Barney invents Bro Bibs
18:48
which is a bib that covers you,
18:50
but it looks like whatever you're wearing
18:52
so you don't lose the effect of your nice clothes.
18:57
For real?
18:58
Yeah.
18:59
I love how into that idea you are.
19:01
Yeah.
19:02
So it's like if you're wearing a nice suit and tie,
19:04
the bib looks like your suit and tie.
19:08
Oh.
19:12
Okay.
19:13
Well.
19:14
I still like myself.
19:17
Oh, that's good.
19:18
Yeah, Joe's showing him a picture of the bro bib.
19:21
Maybe I should have watched that show.
19:24
It's too late.
19:25
There's no going back.
19:27
You can't now.
19:28
Well, the tie thing is still cool.
19:30
The Ziploc bag for your tie?
19:32
It's a cling.
19:35
It's not that.
19:37
You said there's a sleeve that you put your tie in.
19:39
Yes, and then you use your fingers and thumb to cling it onto your tie.
19:44
It uses static cling proprietary technology.
19:47
Oh, good. It's proprietary. I'm glad you've invented that.
19:51
Yeah. A lot of business people are really scared to mess up their nice ties.
19:56
Yeah.
19:57
Every time you're at a restaurant and you hear a man say,
19:59
Son of a... that's what happened.
20:04
But with this, he can just take his tie and dip it in his soup and laugh.
20:10
He really could. That could be the commercial.
20:13
Yep.
20:13
I am
20:14
embarrassed now.
20:18
Why?
20:19
Because of the stupid show and what they did to me.
20:22
How I Met Your Mother?
20:23
Yeah.
20:24
Your idea is still different from that.
20:26
Yeah, better even.
20:29
I was worried when you started out
20:30
because you said you don't have nice clothes.
20:33
You don't want them to get ruined.
20:35
Oh, you immediately went there?
20:36
In my head, that's what I thought.
20:39
Yeah, but you did make it a little different.
20:41
So I will say the little, the one, the baby bib thing with the little like holder at the bottom that the food drops into, that isn't, that doesn't always work.
20:52
I do think if you could actually like mount it to the table, that would be a better way to do it.
20:58
Plus, if you're eating like a really nice meal, then you want to save that bite, presumably, because it's an expensive bite.
21:04
Oh, yeah.
21:05
Our slogan could be more lobster.
21:09
Bib, babe, more lobster.
21:11
thank god i have such great inventions as loose tubes under my name already
21:19
and shark foot or shark toes shark foot shark foot shark yeah this is a one for you one for
21:29
them situation yeah it's all right everything's cool i feel like this would sell because it does
21:36
we have empirical evidence to prove wait a minute wait a minute we live in a capitalist society
21:43
we have to do this that's true there has to be other versions that people can go to
21:48
i'm that's what i'm saying i think it would sell because it does sell so and ours is 12 cents
21:52
cheaper nice yeah why 12 because if it's a lot more cheap then people are like why yeah well i
22:01
I totally agree with that.
22:02
There is,
22:03
there is something about like the,
22:08
yeah.
22:08
When you see something that's like,
22:09
why are you like half the price?
22:11
Yeah.
22:12
Like the sociology of buying a cheaper item.
22:15
It's like,
22:15
did I just make a worse choice?
22:18
Yeah.
22:18
How bad is this?
22:19
Yeah.
22:20
But we're right there.
22:22
But we're like close,
22:23
but just,
22:23
I think maybe a,
22:25
a dollar 12.
22:27
Oh,
22:27
because if it's just,
22:28
if it's just 12,
22:30
then that's too close.
22:32
Then a name brand might beat us out.
22:34
I like that. $1.12.
22:35
Alright, cool. So whatever you're going to buy
22:38
it's going to be $1.12 cheaper than anything
22:40
similar to on the market.
22:41
But the quality will be better.
22:43
Much better because we're using the same factories
22:45
they use. But with our proprietary
22:47
technology. Bingo.
22:49
Yes.
22:51
Sugar crush.
22:54
Do we have any alternate
22:55
names?
22:57
Yeah, I was thinking
22:59
bud bib.
23:03
I guess it has been a bib.
23:05
It's a bib.
23:06
There, it's a bib.
23:07
It's okay.
23:08
I feel good now.
23:08
You invent a variation of something that already exists.
23:11
That's okay.
23:12
That's allowed.
23:13
Buddy B.
23:15
B, bud.
23:17
Catch fall.
23:20
And there's a lot of money to be made these days
23:22
in making adult versions of kid things.
23:25
Yeah.
23:26
This could be actually a sleeper.
23:28
that comes out and is like our top performing invention.
23:32
Yeah.
23:34
I think probably mainly because of our proprietary technology.
23:38
Oh, yeah.
23:39
Trust me.
23:41
I stayed all night in my lab on that one.
23:46
I don't know what that wine was.
23:49
Son of a...
23:50
I hired businessmen to test mine.
23:56
But this still equally is bad.
23:58
But I don't pay for the rune close.
24:01
Thank you, goodbye.
24:02
No, you volunteered for this.
24:04
This is a non-paying.
24:04
Why are you here?
24:05
We'll send you a free one when it finally comes out.
24:08
Yeah.
24:09
Think you get your body back from science when you donate your body to science?
24:13
I didn't think so.
24:14
I wonder if you could.
24:16
Donate your body to science and then get it back?
24:18
Just ask for it later.
24:19
Be like, hey, where's grandma?
24:21
Isn't that loaning your body to science?
24:23
What if you scratched out the one word?
24:25
science i heard sometimes they blow those bodies up i think that's probably why they don't because
24:32
i don't think they want to give it back like they do weird stuff to those bodies
24:36
got to one of them in my lab testing this
24:40
why are you sawing my arm off shut up it's part of the invention for the bib
24:46
gotta see it how it handles blood oh it'd be good for our villains yeah you're right as soon
24:53
as I started talking about blowing up bodies, I was like, oh,
24:55
there's a spare head. I don't want to
24:57
get anything
24:59
on my all black unitard
25:01
or my cape. Or your Van Dyke
25:03
mustache. Or my Van Dyke mustache. Oh, is there
25:05
a mustache
25:06
guard, too? Yeah, of course.
25:10
And you can actually take, there's
25:11
a kit where you can mold your stash
25:13
on your stash
25:16
and then send it in and we make
25:17
a custom guard. Oh,
25:20
nice. Yeah.
25:21
it's like doing one of those like tooth guard things
25:24
but for your mustache
25:24
absolutely yeah so it's clean clean baby
25:27
so just as long as your mustache is always
25:29
exactly that length and that shape
25:31
you can actually use it to
25:33
trim
25:34
put it on and then anything that falls
25:37
below yeah but
25:39
so you going under the bib to trim that their business everyone has a their own way of doing things you know like shoes and socks did you know that some people put on their one sock then one
25:53
shoe then the other sock then the other shoe i did know that because i'm one of those people
25:57
oh my god oh wow well i can tell you why okay i have a good reason curious i put my left sock on
26:04
first and then
26:06
I'm standing next to my bed
26:08
when I do this. I put my left
26:10
sock on first and then I pick up my left
26:12
shoe and then because my foot's already like up
26:14
on my knee to put the sock on, I put
26:16
my shoe on.
26:18
So it just like makes more sense. I'm doing one at a time.
26:22
Okay.
26:22
And then also like, then if you put your
26:24
sock, and then I'm not putting my sock down on
26:26
the ground so that it could pick up any like lint
26:28
or hair or anything.
26:30
So I'm keeping it fresh
26:32
from the ground. You're not a freak.
26:34
thank you thank you for understanding yeah no that is the only explanation at me like
26:39
he can't believe that he's in the same room with me well we just trust our floors
26:43
i don't trust my floor yeah you just put your socks in the bed
26:48
put put on my socks on the bed no like take your socks out of your drawer put them on the bed
26:55
try it yeah wait what do you mean put them on the bed no i are you not envisioning how i'm doing
27:01
this? I'm standing next to my
27:03
bed. Yeah, you know how I feel about the bed.
27:07
No, no.
27:09
I don't understand your point. I'm still gonna have to put them
27:11
on my feet.
27:14
So then if I put one sock
27:15
on, like the left, and then I put one on the
27:17
right, I'm standing in those socks.
27:20
And they're on the ground.
27:22
Maybe you could do a
27:23
demonstration later for us.
27:25
I will. Okay. I will show you.
27:27
Just socks and shoes.
27:30
Yeah.
27:31
Yeah.
27:33
I'll be fully naked.
27:35
I'll put shoes on.
27:36
Thank you.
27:37
Wonderful.
27:39
Excited to be there.
27:41
All right.
27:42
Well, any other thoughts on the babe?
27:45
It's catchy, right?
27:46
Babe.
27:49
No, my thoughts are, it's a moneymaker.
27:52
My thoughts are, I'm wonderful.
27:55
My thoughts are, buy it.
27:57
All right.
27:57
Well, those are my thoughts, too.
27:59
yeah you really got something here another successful invention go to friendslikeuspod.com
28:07
to pick up your babe more lobster i know i hate when i'm at a restaurant and i get out of my chair
28:18
and i look down it's like oh man half my lobster's on the ground i know this is like the american
28:23
problem yeah and then i you know it's lobster so you still eat it but of course it's been on the
28:30
ground you eat it off the ground but we won't let a sock touch the ground but we will eat this
28:34
lobster my mouth will oh i don't use my hands to pick it off i go mouth first to the lobster
28:41
on the ground i know we as your friends we hold you upside down like a keg stand but for lobster
28:47
the lobster vacuum yep that's that's what they called me in college i think lobster mop has a
28:54
better ring but lobster mop yeah a lobster mop we should get lobster later okay sounds good
29:06
does actually sound does sound really good yeah i think that does it for the invention of the week
29:14
it's time for our next segment world war me
29:21
breaking news the very fine friends have declared world war me
29:30
in this segment we are going to pitch our skills in an apocalypse scenario why would you want to
29:43
be with us in an apocalypse i'll be judging which of you two is more valuable in an apocalypse
29:52
situation based on what we say or based on what you know both but the former is more important
30:00
so okay make good pitches okay francis you go first how i'd be useful in an apocalypse yeah
30:08
i mentioned in a previous episode that i can vibrate popcorn at almost supersonic speeds
30:13
that is on the table okay um i also have super good reflexes so like when the heat the heat's
30:25
like really on like let me explain okay one time i was in new york state um and my some random
30:34
i don't know their relationship but they were a family member of some kind and they were a baby
30:38
like a toddler-ish
30:40
and um
30:42
we were on the patio and they had like
30:44
metal furniture with like
30:46
sharp corners and I was
30:48
talking to like the mom of the baby
30:50
and
30:54
the baby was like running around
30:56
and out of my peripheral vision like she
30:58
like tripped on the deck and I
31:00
just like reached out and snagged her from like mid
31:02
air but I wasn't even like watching her
31:04
and she was about to like land in the
31:06
corner of the
31:07
thing i don't even care about children so you don't even know what this baby's relationship
31:14
is to the family you just know it's part of the family and it's a baby yeah yeah and i saved it
31:20
wow that was and i was in the middle of a conversation so multitasking huge in the
31:25
apocalypse because you have to hold a gun with one hand and um probably i would think um food
31:32
in the other because in the apocalypse
31:34
you eat on the run.
31:36
I can cook
31:37
with limited ingredients. I know how to
31:40
make a fire
31:40
using
31:42
non-traditional ingredients.
31:46
Okay.
31:47
Like what kind of non-traditional ingredients?
31:51
Gasoline?
31:53
No.
31:54
I know how to make a fire. I don't think that's
31:56
flammable. That seems a little
31:57
untraditional. Remember how I told you I could vibrate popcorn?
32:00
Yeah. I could do this with wood.
32:02
until it sparks oh my god the pen just lit on fire um i can also also i'm fair so you know in
32:10
the apocalypse there won't like people will be beefing because they no longer have the threat
32:14
of a police state to keep them in check yeah so now they're going to be more in each other's faces
32:18
so i can be like hey you guys i saw the whole thing brad has a valid perspective but
32:29
Jake
32:31
you do too
32:33
let me explain what I saw buddies
32:35
let's go out and get some
32:37
buffalo
32:37
and be cool there's not a lot of us we gotta stay friends
32:41
also
32:43
I'm willing to lower my standards sexually
32:45
in the apocalypse
32:47
because it's
32:49
no longer about
32:50
you know it's not sex in the city
32:53
it's
32:55
boinking
32:57
in the apocalypse
32:58
yes yeah so i'm just saying like okay i'm cool down to clown um also i'm crazy
33:10
that's true i'm nuts also with inventions like the babe imagine what i could do in the apocalypse
33:18
you name a problem i solve it problem solver
33:23
would you would that be your career would you be like like a tinkerer
33:28
like an inventor you're creating little gadgets for people yeah they they come in at the end and
33:35
around the fire that i started we all talk about our day and the problems we had and i write down
33:40
the problems on paper i stole from a store that doesn't matter it's not stealing anymore
33:45
and i write them down and the next day i get to work on the problems
33:49
that's pretty valuable
33:53
definitely no one would want to kill that guy
33:56
that guy's a net benefit to the community
34:00
you thought about way more ways than I did
34:04
yeah I have a feeling that Jenna's getting the axe on this one but we'll see how she
34:08
justifies herself I'll see I'll see what I can do
34:11
okay I am a really good judge
34:16
of a situation like of what's going on like kind of immediately like I can tell like people's vibes
34:24
with each other and like what's actually going on or if two people are interacting it'd be like
34:29
I like I could tell people's motivations like for example like one time I was at a concert
34:35
and I saw two people in the crowd and I turned to the person I was with and I was like
34:45
that lady is i bet you that that lady is the drummer's girlfriend and i bet you that that
34:52
lady is his sister later after the show in the bar i was confirmed right when the band came out
35:00
and the guy like kissed the girl and then i heard the other one saying oh yeah i'm his sister
35:07
i was like i just gleaned that information just by looking at these two people
35:11
I can figure out situations like that pretty well and just like almost immediately like I can I can
35:18
suss out a vibe okay stop yawning I'm just teasing that's cool I also have a very very good sense of
35:27
time like I'm very aware of how much time it takes to do things and also like at any given moment I
35:36
can tell you like yeah it's about this much time has elapsed or it's about this time of day like I
35:41
can get pretty close like when i wake up in the middle of the night i can guess what time it is
35:47
within five minutes without looking at like before looking at a clock so having
35:52
within five minutes i can also make fire using gasoline sorry that's been claimed
36:03
I also can
36:06
find creative uses
36:08
for limited ingredients
36:10
I'm very efficient
36:12
I'm short
36:14
so when we have to do a lot
36:17
of walking through narrow
36:18
or like short tunnels and caves
36:20
I won't have to crouch down as far as other people
36:22
so I won't get tired as quickly
36:24
also means that you walk slower
36:26
but I can just take more steps
36:30
I'll match your strides
36:32
don't worry
36:33
yeah
36:35
where are you on the boinking
36:38
in text because so far
36:41
you're the only
36:42
I actually
36:44
am going to heighten my standards
36:47
I'm going to be real picky
36:52
that could create value
36:55
for you yeah and
36:56
it will also create value for anyone that I
36:58
choose to be with because
37:00
they'll be like okay this is that like that's a very like affirming thing like you know my
37:05
standards are higher than they used to be so if you made the cut it's valuable post-apocalyptic
37:12
war zone i'm sure everyone will be respecting our preferences yeah yeah oh dad i mean it's
37:17
it's still gonna be a society
37:20
i mean for five minutes or so but jenna can always tell us how long
37:30
I'm going to tell you exactly down to the minute how long it was a society before it devolved into chaos.
37:38
Also, Jenna's better at situational comedy.
37:41
So I bet you that could work in your favor.
37:45
Versus Francis, I feel like I have the ability to kind of generally get along with more people.
37:53
Because I don't get as angry as Francis does.
37:56
I feel like France quickly flips a switch where he's like, I'm done with you now.
38:01
And I could put up with people a little bit longer.
38:04
And so you're going to be dealing with a whole bunch of people that you hate.
38:07
So even though you're a fair person, Francis, I think I am a fair person, too.
38:11
But I don't lose my patience as much as you do.
38:15
But I do think it's a good point.
38:17
So I need to counter it.
38:17
I do think in an apocalypse situation, I could hide my...
38:22
I could hide that better because I know it's important to hide it.
38:27
And if anyone was truly going to be a problem well we would just snuff them out So you just saying in an apocalypse situation you just be more like me This is the Babelhoff
38:42
I guess I would, but that's called adaptability.
38:46
Putting the adaptability in Francis's abacus.
38:48
Yeah, well, I'm adaptable too.
38:50
That's what I was just saying.
38:51
I'm adaptable.
38:53
Also, I'll bring a gun.
38:56
I'll have a gun.
38:58
And a car.
38:59
Wait a minute.
39:00
Those are two pretty big pluses, I have to say.
39:03
A gun and a car?
39:03
A gun and a car.
39:05
I will provide both of those things.
39:08
Well, I'm bringing a different gun and a different car.
39:13
And my car is a bus.
39:15
Yours has pictures of the Gordons on the back of it.
39:18
That's a green stolen vehicle.
39:20
You're going to invent the guan in the apocalypse.
39:24
Well, no, but your thing is trying to take away the guns.
39:27
You're a guan grabber.
39:29
Yeah.
39:29
That was before society fell.
39:31
Now that it's gone, I turn the button off.
39:34
Let's go get them.
39:35
Look at all the guns I brought.
39:37
But you disabled that when they hit that ceiling,
39:40
that metal seal, the magnets on the roof that broke the guns.
39:45
You ruined a whole bunch of guns, Francis.
39:48
All I've ever done is want guns to work.
39:51
I have knives too, which are quieter than guns,
39:53
and you might need to be quiet sometimes.
39:54
and you've already prepared for
39:58
crash course driving on bumper
40:00
boulevard yeah my whole life has led me
40:02
up to this yeah okay well here's something
40:04
I know how to not crash
40:06
a car when I drive
40:08
in fact I do it all the
40:10
time
40:10
so we've made
40:14
our case
40:15
yeah also
40:18
I'm easy
40:18
don't forget I'm not easy
40:22
all right
40:24
well yeah okay i've decided uh i think you both have a lot to bring to the table but jenna i
40:34
think you would be too logic driven in an apocalypse scenario i think francis's ability to
40:41
make up an answer that sounds correct when that when you question his thinking is just indicative
40:48
of how well he'd be able to weasel around in an apocalypse situation i feel like he would
40:52
Despite his short fuse?
40:55
Have you ever seen my short fuse?
40:57
Well, no, because I don't piss you off.
40:59
You're so delightful.
41:01
Thank you.
41:01
Another reason why I should be around.
41:04
Francis likes me.
41:05
Too late.
41:07
You killed your sister.
41:12
So Francis is just a better liar, and then that's why I lose?
41:15
I think Francis would survive longer.
41:20
I think, yeah.
41:22
Oh, man.
41:23
It's okay.
41:24
You're not being killed.
41:25
You're just being ostracized.
41:26
You could technically prove him wrong by joining another clan and being useful.
41:34
Okay.
41:35
I'll join that clan and then we'll conquer your clan with kindness.
41:42
Okay.
41:43
I'll drive over with my gun in my car.
41:46
Kill you all.
41:47
The smile on my face.
41:50
Thank you.
41:51
it's nice to win something. It's been a long time since I won something.
41:55
That's not true.
41:56
That's not true?
41:58
Oh, yeah.
42:00
You constantly win.
42:01
If you go to friendslikeuspod.com
42:04
and look at the score for
42:05
who's winning on the secret words,
42:07
Francis is winning on the secret words.
42:10
Big time.
42:11
Wow.
42:12
It's because I'm easy.
42:16
That's not why.
42:16
No, it's not. It's brain stuff.
42:19
Yeah, it's brain stuff.
42:20
That's the other reason I'm picking you in this scenario is because with your lower standards, I might finally be able to make it happen.
42:26
Thanks.
42:27
That's why they're low.
42:30
All right.
42:31
Well, I guess I'll be ostracized and you guys will be having fun cooking things with your limited ingredients.
42:41
My limited ingredients fire.
42:44
That has been World War Me.
42:50
it's time for one final thing the big question the question is very big
43:01
okay so this actually is kind of not i would say it's related it's not related at all i wish i
43:06
hadn't spoken but here's the question okay this is a question about prison let's say you're in prison
43:15
go on
43:17
for defaming my character during world war me
43:22
you've been imprisoned
43:23
now it's a normal prison
43:27
I'm not saying it's light security
43:29
I'm not saying it's maximum security
43:30
it's just it's prison
43:31
okay
43:32
you have to find a way
43:36
to break out of prison
43:38
how are you getting out of prison
43:40
it's just a life sentence
43:42
so you can't just say oh wait
43:44
there's nothing to wait for
43:45
okay
43:46
um
43:49
and don't do the plot of Shawshank
43:51
okay
43:53
don't do that
43:56
either
43:57
I would learn
44:01
magic
44:02
not to escape
44:04
like room magic
44:07
yeah like great like
44:08
sleight of hand magic stuff like that
44:11
right
44:11
and i'd be so good at it like david blaine level good like people would want like i would well
44:19
aside from the fact that i would then like be ruling this prison everyone would like i would
44:24
have no problems in this prison because everyone would love me so much but then they'd then they'd
44:31
start telling like their family members to come to visit right and then so then suddenly people
44:35
would start coming to visit this prison to see me to see me do magic because everyone would want
44:45
to see it and like again this is like david blaine level stuff so like like one minute like
44:50
one minute i'm in the cafeteria and then i just start levitating right and then people are like
44:58
whoa, they're running around.
45:01
Like, what is going on?
45:04
And then, so then it becomes like this, like, crazy attraction that gets, like, people, like,
45:10
are now, strangers are now visiting this prison because they want to see this, right?
45:15
So it becomes, like, such a phenomenon that people know about and is, like, so widely
45:22
that it basically it would behoove the prison to actually start selling tickets to this to
45:30
actually make it some kind of a theme park or an amusement park people want to come and see me
45:36
so it's like let's monetize this eventually they make this prison
45:43
they make this prison a theme park
45:50
that i am in people pay tickets they come they they get to like sit in the cafeteria with me
46:00
then when i start levitating or if i'm out in the yard and then suddenly like
46:04
disappear and i'm on top of like the guard tower or something
46:08
they get to watch all this so then basically i've converted this prison is no longer a prison
46:19
it's a theme park so i'm no longer in prison anymore i'm in a theme park what the prison is
46:25
yes but you're still in it yes you could apparently but eventually they'd be like
46:31
when you see your value to society the judge came to one of your shows yeah the whole parole
46:38
board was there they loved it they keep coming back and so eventually they're like we see your
46:45
value now we also think maybe you are falsely imprisoned because how could someone that could
46:50
do all this ever commit the crime that you were accused of we are going to release you on the
46:57
condition that you just come and this is your job for the rest of your life that's some release
47:03
you're free.
47:05
Get back.
47:06
But the thing is, I love the magic.
47:08
It's like, oh no, you got me.
47:11
No, but I actually love it, so it's not really a prison.
47:13
That's beautiful.
47:15
Thank you.
47:16
I'll make sure all of my magic is prison-themed
47:19
so that they have
47:21
to keep it in the prison and they have to change
47:23
the prison.
47:25
It can't just be like, oh, well, we'll put you
47:27
somewhere. So then I'm
47:28
effectively changing that prison into the theme park.
47:33
Yeah.
47:33
i've thought about this a lot yeah that was like yeah i think it would work yeah well it's no
47:41
longer like you said it's no longer a prison yep exactly well done thanks look out david blaine
47:47
i'd vote for you to get out if i was on the on the parole board well i know you would you've
47:51
been to my show 17 times yeah i'm the guy in the background wow oh my god sugar crush
47:58
i used her when she was innocent i was always innocent baby
48:04
cool wow that's that works yeah that's how i'd get out how about you i don't know um i see
48:14
another reason why you wouldn't be good in an apocalypse i don't know okay um i would use blood
48:19
so uh you know those blood capsules you can get from spirit or whatever yeah i would have someone
48:25
get me some capsules,
48:30
blank empty capsules.
48:33
No.
48:34
I'd have them give me the blood ones.
48:36
I'm cutting out the middle man real quick.
48:37
I was going to bleed myself slowly over time,
48:39
but now I realize if I'm just going to make my own blood capsules,
48:42
why don't I just buy blood capsules?
48:43
See? I'm pivoting.
48:46
Anyway, so I would have someone
48:47
get smugglers in a prison for me
48:50
and I would save a lot of them.
48:51
And then I would eat them.
48:53
and then I would make it look like I was bleeding out of my eyes and my nose
48:58
and the toilet bowl would be full of fake blood
49:00
and I would pretend to be severely injured
49:03
and then I would get to the, they would take me to the prison hospital
49:07
and I would have a seizure, fake one
49:11
and I would train over many months to lower my pulse
49:18
by breathing work
49:20
and they would be like
49:22
we're not equipped here
49:24
by all standards his heart rate should be going up
49:27
he should be
49:27
in tachycardia right now
49:31
but he's not
49:33
he's in bradycardia
49:35
and then they would get me into the
49:40
I almost said ATV
49:42
ambulance
49:43
and they would drive me to a hospital
49:45
and
49:46
I would get to the room
49:49
and escape.
49:54
So your plan is just to be
49:57
trick them into taking you to a place that's not the prison
50:01
and then you just escape? How do you escape there? Wouldn't they have you handcuffed to the bed
50:05
and have a guard outside your door? Yeah, they are. I'm stronger than a handcuff
50:09
because the handcuff would be on the bed rail and I would break the bed rail off.
50:12
Is another thing you practice along with lowering your heart rate?
50:15
I just know I can do it.
50:17
I don't even have to practice.
50:18
I can rip the side of the bed off
50:20
due to my strength and my rage.
50:23
That you mentioned.
50:25
That's true.
50:27
Yeah, this thing's coming off.
50:29
And then as the guard walks in...
50:30
So you just have to imagine someone cut you off in traffic?
50:33
All right.
50:34
I'm like, hold on, I'm getting into the zone.
50:37
Yeah, and then I would just assault the guard
50:39
with the bed rail.
50:41
And while he's down, I would take the key,
50:43
get the handcuff off,
50:44
that's it i'm out i'm free um i feel like this is probably been tried by prisoners before
50:52
faking a medical emergency to get out and then well maybe you none of them have ever been blood
51:03
capsules that's true the truth of getting away with anything is being believable
51:07
yeah
51:09
and
51:10
yours is better
51:12
I will say
51:13
well mine's a little
51:14
more doable
51:14
I think that's
51:16
well I don't know
51:17
it's a little more
51:18
practical
51:18
maybe
51:20
we're gonna have to
51:20
go to prison
51:21
different prisons
51:22
and try this out
51:22
all right
51:24
deal
51:24
okay
51:26
all right
51:28
Both equally valid ways of getting out of prison.
51:31
Yeah, don't try this, prisoners.
51:33
No, prisoners, if you're listening, and we know you are because they're making you.
51:36
Yeah.
51:36
Prisons play this over the speakers.
51:39
While you're trying to sleep.
51:40
24-7.
51:40
Yeah.
51:42
Because they're nice and you enjoy it.
51:45
That's why they do that.
51:46
Yes.
51:47
It's not a punishment.
51:48
You're welcome, prisoners.
51:49
Normally it costs money.
51:51
Yeah, that's right.
51:52
You're getting it for free.
51:53
Human money.
51:55
Not prisoner money like you have.
51:58
Yeah, don't send us cigarettes.
52:00
We don't need them.
52:02
I appreciate you trying to pay.
52:04
Yeah, we don't need that.
52:05
We love you guys.
52:06
Yeah, hang on to those cigarettes.
52:08
Buy yourself something nice in the store, the commissary.
52:11
Yeah, like a match for your cigarettes.
52:14
Yeah.
52:14
But don't light people on fire, okay?
52:18
No.
52:19
Don't do that.
52:20
That's how you stay in prison.
52:21
Yeah.
52:22
Francis is on the parole board.
52:24
I need to see you put people out if they're on fire.
52:27
Yes.
52:28
That's how you get out.
52:29
Yeah.
52:31
A little free advice from us to you, prisoners.
52:33
I haven't been a lawyer in a while.
52:35
That could be legal advice.
52:36
Okay, yeah.
52:36
That's good legal advice.
52:37
Don't set people on fire.
52:39
I think every lawyer would agree with that.
52:43
Yeah.
52:44
So you're in the majority with your fellow lawyers.
52:46
Thank you.
52:47
That's law school 101.
52:49
Yeah, that's literally a first day.
52:50
Yeah.
52:51
They have it written on the chalkboard when you walk in.
52:52
They light someone on fire.
52:53
What do you do?
52:54
Don't do that.
52:56
That's right.
52:57
Go back in time and don't do it.
53:00
We answered the big question The big question Only one thing left to do Yeah Secret words Totally I have a couple guesses for you
53:11
Shoot, a couple?
53:12
I have a couple.
53:13
Fudge.
53:14
Okay.
53:14
Well, go ahead.
53:16
I know you have some for me.
53:17
I saw you writing.
53:17
I do.
53:18
Okay.
53:21
Should I go first?
53:22
Yeah, go ahead.
53:22
Okay.
53:23
I have two guesses.
53:27
Electrodes?
53:28
What's your second guess?
53:29
tachycardia it was electrodes yes no no this is the best feeling in the world i'm not gonna light
53:40
you on fire oh oh man no whoo i want to chase this high no no no no villain tent
53:53
shoot i thought i was being so smooth oh i thought i'd get it right away you know
54:01
it was ballsy saying it twice i know i almost said mine twice and then i was like
54:06
don't force it jenna you got it in once and i don't think he noticed so shit so it can't be
54:12
that one well i still want to hear all of your guesses when did you wait let me just ask you
54:18
yeah you saw me writing a lot of these down yep was it anywhere near the time that you said it
54:22
Nope.
54:23
No, I want to hear what your guesses were.
54:26
Okay.
54:27
It's one of the hooves.
54:29
Yeah, it was.
54:30
I'll say hooves.
54:31
You did.
54:32
Yeah, you did.
54:33
No, I know I did, but I say that in real life.
54:35
It's not a...
54:36
This is real life.
54:37
I didn't say it.
54:38
I said I do say it The first thing I wrote down before I realized I said it first was lobster So that not one of them Well you getting better though You catching yourself I am getting better I wrote down keg stand
54:50
Okay.
54:51
Which I think I set you up for so.
54:53
That probably isn't it.
54:54
Yeah, when you said we're holding you up.
54:56
Yeah, you said keg stand.
54:57
I just described what you were talking about.
54:59
So it's not keg stand.
55:00
Nope.
55:01
It's not behoove.
55:02
It isn't levitating.
55:03
You said that one twice.
55:04
I thought that could have been it.
55:05
And monetize, you said.
55:08
And those are none of them are it.
55:10
Nope.
55:11
Just one quick Hail Mary.
55:13
Can you tell me what segment we were when you said it?
55:15
Invention of the week.
55:17
I don't have another guess.
55:18
I'm done.
55:19
Yeah.
55:20
Okay.
55:21
What is it?
55:22
Sociology.
55:24
I don't like that word for this game, but.
55:27
I would not have said it otherwise for whatever it's worth.
55:31
That's.
55:33
Well.
55:35
Okay.
55:37
I'm cool.
55:38
congratulations Jenna thank you oh man big day big day what a day Jenna got more points but you
55:45
still get an extra point too for getting Jenna to say electrodes oh oh man that's something
55:52
so why did you say it if you thought it was my word it was only it was after the fact I was
55:57
thinking about stuff you had already said and I was like electrodes sounded weird it's weird that
56:01
you said electrodes coming out of your body yeah so that was only after the fact I wouldn't have
56:06
repeated it otherwise.
56:07
Okay.
56:08
That's something.
56:09
So,
56:10
dang it.
56:11
So I didn't make any ground up on that one.
56:13
No,
56:14
but you know what?
56:15
It wouldn't matter.
56:15
You still be in the lead You did win something Since you got the Yeah you did Yeah you got two points and francis got one point no because we each said our word i got a point for guessing his and he got a point for for me
56:31
saying his so we both got two points oh no i think one of the points is you say your word and they
56:37
don't guess it right yeah yeah francis said his word and you did guess it so i don't get that
56:43
point for saying you have two points and francis has one point francis would have no points if not
56:47
for getting you to say electrodes we will double check that for some reason i thought just saying
56:52
it was a point it is but if you guess the other person guesses it then you're basically undoing
56:57
that this helps you it's a steal yeah you stole my point oh yeah well now i feel like an idiot that
57:06
i didn't understand how our scoring worked no no this was all fake for the audience because we
57:10
We needed them to truly understand the rules.
57:12
See, this is another reason why I'd be good in Apocalypse.
57:15
I'm really good at pretending like I'm dumb.
57:17
When the situation calls for it.
57:20
Yeah, and you get to go to the Apocalypse now because I lost.
57:23
Oh, is that part of-
57:24
This was all contingent on what happened.
57:24
That was part of my prize?
57:25
Yeah.
57:26
Oh, yay!
57:26
So I'm going to go be easy with the other clan.
57:29
All right, Apocalypse, here we come!
57:33
I am so happy.
57:36
Yeah, I-
57:36
Oh, I'm the victor big time.
57:39
All right.
57:40
well that's it that's the end of this episode thanks for listening bye