Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / Did I destroy my marriage?, Avoiding Interactions and Hugs (head noise)

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Did I destroy my marriage?, Avoiding Interactions and Hugs (head noise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:10
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
0:14
Speaker 1: This is a head noise question, so we're answering the
0:16
Speaker 1: listeners questions. I've got your emails that you've sent through.
0:20
Speaker 1: I've got three that I'm going to answer. Today's so
0:23
Speaker 1: very excited love receiving your questions. Now, before we get
0:28
Speaker 1: into it, just a quick reminder to sign up to
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Speaker 1: I'm just getting more and more into it and really
0:41
Speaker 1: learning the ropes and it's the thing that I love
0:44
Speaker 1: scrolling on the most these days. So very very exciting.
0:48
Speaker 1: So if you guys are substackers or you enjoy reading substack,
0:51
Speaker 1: then great find me on their notes on theMIND dot
0:54
Speaker 1: substack dot com. Life update. Life is good. As I'm
0:58
Speaker 1: recording this. The twins I've just turned ten months old,
1:01
Speaker 1: which is mind blowing. Mind blowing that they've been on
1:04
Speaker 1: this earth, well technically on this earth for longer because
1:08
Speaker 1: when they were in the womb, they were on the earth,
1:09
Speaker 1: but anyway, for I can hear them crying as we speak. Anyway,
1:13
Speaker 1: ten months old, which is incredible. But apart from that,
1:17
Speaker 1: there's no other life updates, so I want to get
1:19
Speaker 1: straight into it. This is a really, really good one.
1:21
Speaker 1: I love the title number one. Let's go. Did I
1:25
Speaker 1: destroy my marriage or did he give me too little,
1:27
Speaker 1: too late? Hi Alexis, I've been listening to your podcast
1:31
Speaker 1: for a few years now and it has changed my life.
1:32
Speaker 1: I can't thank you enough. I would love your insights
1:35
Speaker 1: on this situation. I got married when I was twenty
1:38
Speaker 1: I'm now twenty five and have been separated for three months.
1:41
Speaker 1: I initiated it. Our first year of marriage was absolutely
1:45
Speaker 1: terrible for me. I won't go into too much detail,
1:48
Speaker 1: but essentially, when we got married, it felt like he
1:50
Speaker 1: had locked me down and he gave up on being romantic.
1:53
Speaker 1: He was avoidant, and I became very anxious. Also, his
1:56
Speaker 1: porn addiction went crazy. At this time, I tried to
1:59
Speaker 1: give up on wanting romance and stayed committed due to
2:02
Speaker 1: my morals. Years have gone by and I have done
2:04
Speaker 1: my best, tried to build communication, build our life in
2:07
Speaker 1: other ways, focusing on career, taking care of our house,
2:11
Speaker 1: planning our future. We can laugh together and we have
2:14
Speaker 1: the bond of two people who have been together for
2:16
Speaker 1: nearly a decade. We dated for years in high school,
2:18
Speaker 1: but when it comes to finances, the future, and lifestyles,
2:21
Speaker 1: we were on completely different pages up until last year.
2:24
Speaker 1: Our political, family and religious views were also completely different.
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Speaker 1: I've grown to despise physical intimacy, and that has been
2:32
Speaker 1: his biggest and only complaint in our marriage. I've asked
2:36
Speaker 1: him for more help with housework, tried to get him
2:38
Speaker 1: to plan the future with me, and tried to build
2:40
Speaker 1: a more emotionally romantic relationship. But it feels so forced,
2:44
Speaker 1: like I'm just dragging him along. So we separated. Now
2:47
Speaker 1: he has done a one eighty on political views, lifestyle,
2:51
Speaker 1: religious views, and even his personality is completely different. But
2:54
Speaker 1: I can't help but feel like he only changed because
2:57
Speaker 1: he knows what I really wanted this whole time. It
3:00
Speaker 1: says he's just become more vocal about these changes since
3:02
Speaker 1: the separation, and that he wants me to get to
3:04
Speaker 1: know the real Hymn. But I feel like I know
3:07
Speaker 1: him already and I don't want to be with him.
3:09
Speaker 1: I feel angry, guilty, and honestly super damaged and horrified
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Speaker 1: to be alone in this world. I think his change
3:16
Speaker 1: was too little, too late. How do I find the
3:18
Speaker 1: courage to pull the pin and rebuild from this. Thank
3:21
Speaker 1: you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate
3:23
Speaker 1: any advice you can give of this. Thank you. Okay,
3:26
Speaker 1: In my opinion, based on the little insight that I
3:29
Speaker 1: have into your situation, I absolutely believe you've done the
3:33
Speaker 1: right thing. You are twenty five and you do not
3:37
Speaker 1: have and mind you, I'm going to preface this by saying,
3:39
Speaker 1: you absolutely should not have to stay with someone when
3:41
Speaker 1: you do have kids. But you don't have kids, so
3:44
Speaker 1: there's less things that you must weed out when going
3:48
Speaker 1: through a separation. You can literally make this clean cut,
3:51
Speaker 1: is what I'm saying. When people leave a marriage when
3:55
Speaker 1: there's also children involved, of course it's a lot heavier,
3:57
Speaker 1: it's a lot messier. You also have these feelings of dust.
4:00
Speaker 1: Do I not know? For you? This is a gift,
4:04
Speaker 1: the ability for you to be able to see that
4:06
Speaker 1: it is not the right thing and you need to
4:08
Speaker 1: walk away. Your question at the very beginning of the
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Speaker 1: title is did I destroy my marriage? Destroy? What? Destroy? What?
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Speaker 1: I feel like based on his behavior and based on
4:18
Speaker 1: his actions, he did all the undoing. It was he
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Speaker 1: was the cause of this undoing, the way he treated you,
4:25
Speaker 1: the porn addiction. I have a whole episode on porn
4:27
Speaker 1: Addiction literally a couple of weeks ago. Definitely go listen
4:29
Speaker 1: to that to feel, i mean, even more validated than
4:32
Speaker 1: the answer I'm gonna give you now. But the only
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Speaker 1: one who's done any destroying was him, And the fact
4:39
Speaker 1: that he's unable to be emotionally intimate but wants physical intimacy,
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Speaker 1: to me, is disgusting In a romantic relationship. Of course,
4:48
Speaker 1: you can want physical intimacy, that's perfectly normal, but to
4:52
Speaker 1: not care about the emotional intimacy alongside that, to me,
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Speaker 1: it screams off a weird dynamic power plates. It's more
5:03
Speaker 1: like an ownership style relationship instead of an actual caring
5:07
Speaker 1: and a loving of the partner. Now that you are
5:10
Speaker 1: not in his life, he now can turn around and
5:13
Speaker 1: see that he had it pretty good with you. And
5:19
Speaker 1: just because he's changing his ways and saying what you
5:23
Speaker 1: want to hear, I've seen it a thousand times and
5:25
Speaker 1: I've heard from it from listeners a thousand times as well.
5:29
Speaker 1: People get you to hear what you want to hear
5:31
Speaker 1: because for him not to put you down, but for him,
5:36
Speaker 1: it's so much easier to go back to you than
5:38
Speaker 1: to try and build something from scratch with someone new.
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Speaker 1: He doesn't want to start something new with someone else.
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Speaker 1: He could be his like dud old self with you.
5:46
Speaker 1: So for him, he's like, I just have to put
5:48
Speaker 1: on an act, right, even if half of the stuff
5:51
Speaker 1: is Sami true, I just have to like tell her
5:53
Speaker 1: what she wants to hear, and then she'll take me back.
5:55
Speaker 1: And once I've got her back, I'll give her what
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Speaker 1: she wants. Oh, I'll drag my feet and give or
6:00
Speaker 1: what he wants. And then I can relax and just
6:02
Speaker 1: be my old self. And then I've got the partner
6:03
Speaker 1: who looks after my home, who looks after the finances,
6:05
Speaker 1: who looks after organizing everything, and ultimately who you know,
6:09
Speaker 1: I basically can be the person I want to be with.
6:11
Speaker 1: I've seen it a thousand times when someone only changes
6:15
Speaker 1: when you've pulled the pin, or when you're about to
6:17
Speaker 1: pull the pin, just to get you back in. It's
6:20
Speaker 1: a pattern that will repeat itself again and again and again.
6:22
Speaker 1: My only advice to you is stay strong, do not
6:25
Speaker 1: go back. Do not go back, because you've got to
6:28
Speaker 1: ask yourself, what am I going back to and what for?
6:33
Speaker 1: Like for what you literally said our first year of
6:37
Speaker 1: marriage was absolutely terrible for me. That's your answer. You
6:44
Speaker 1: now have an out. I mean you could have had
6:46
Speaker 1: an out back then, but like you said, you stayed
6:48
Speaker 1: because you're like, no, morally, I've married this man. I've
6:49
Speaker 1: got to give it my all, and you did. You
6:51
Speaker 1: have left no stone unturned. If the first year was horrible,
6:55
Speaker 1: and that was at twenty and now you're twenty five,
6:57
Speaker 1: you've left no stone unturned. You've gone through it all,
7:01
Speaker 1: You've tried everything, and he's only changed when you left.
7:08
Speaker 1: That to me is he doesn't respect you. So I
7:13
Speaker 1: feel like there is no way in hell that I
7:18
Speaker 1: would be returning to him. You've done the right thing,
7:20
Speaker 1: and the fact that he's only changing after you left
7:22
Speaker 1: is an ick in my opinion. It's like caun't you.
7:26
Speaker 1: And it's not like you were hiding it from him.
7:27
Speaker 1: It's not like you were like, oh, I really want
7:29
Speaker 1: him to change. But you were open about this. You
7:31
Speaker 1: communicated this all. He had all the opportunities under the
7:33
Speaker 1: sun to change and to communicate better and to be
7:36
Speaker 1: more emotionally intimate with you when he had you, but
7:39
Speaker 1: he couldn't give a fuck. He couldn't care less, he
7:41
Speaker 1: couldn't be bothered. When someone can't bother themselves to do
7:45
Speaker 1: something and go out of their way or be more
7:47
Speaker 1: caring or loving to their romantic punnit to their wife,
7:52
Speaker 1: then what does that say about their character? Only when
7:54
Speaker 1: you leave then they're like, fuck, oh my god, I
7:57
Speaker 1: want that comfort again. I want that ability. And also
8:02
Speaker 1: because not offense, but it's probably insecure too. It's a
8:05
Speaker 1: blow to his confidence if you're not there, but when
8:09
Speaker 1: you're there, he feels secure again. He doesn't have to
8:11
Speaker 1: go seeking it in someone else. He doesn't have to. Ah, Honestly, babe,
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Speaker 1: like you, I can guarantee you in a year down
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Speaker 1: the line if you stay strong and stick to your
8:22
Speaker 1: guns and know what you know and just follow through
8:25
Speaker 1: and do the healing and walk away and make it
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Speaker 1: a clean fucking cut. I'm telling you right now, you
8:30
Speaker 1: will look back and laugh being like I fucking did it.
8:33
Speaker 1: I fucking did it. And now I've explored you're twenty five,
8:37
Speaker 1: you're this is a great fucking time for you. Do
8:40
Speaker 1: not muddy the waters of what you want to do
8:43
Speaker 1: with your life with this no offense, but well or
8:45
Speaker 1: offense whatever, with this absolute pleb who's you know, disrespected
8:51
Speaker 1: you not listen to what you want for all of
8:54
Speaker 1: the years. If your marriage had a porn addiction and nah,
8:57
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, absolutely fucking not go go fucking live in
9:00
Speaker 1: Paris for a year. Just live large, babe. I'm excited.
9:04
Speaker 1: I'm actually excited for you. You have literally everything at the horizon.
9:09
Speaker 1: Now the world is your fucking oyster bond, fucking voyage
9:13
Speaker 1: to your ex husband, and that's what he's going to
9:15
Speaker 1: be your ex husband. Next questions. This one's called questions
9:25
Speaker 1: about avoiding interactions and hugs? Hi, Lexis, I really listened
9:30
Speaker 1: to your episode on dealing with people you don't like,
9:32
Speaker 1: But what if you don't want to interact with someone
9:35
Speaker 1: at all? My partner and I are no contact with
9:38
Speaker 1: his mum, who meets all the traits on your narcissistic bingo.
9:42
Speaker 1: Oh fucking yep. At first, we avoided any events where
9:47
Speaker 1: she might be, but we have recently started attending family
9:50
Speaker 1: events such as birthdays. We have a niece and nephew
9:52
Speaker 1: who are now at an age where they will wonder
9:54
Speaker 1: why we aren't there. At first, we happily ignored each
9:57
Speaker 1: other and just interacted with other people, But now he
10:00
Speaker 1: seems to be getting more confident and has been trying
10:03
Speaker 1: to approach us. Recently, we attended a sporting game to
10:06
Speaker 1: support my partner's younger sibling. We specifically stood at the
10:10
Speaker 1: opposite side of the field to his mum, who was
10:12
Speaker 1: there with a group of her friends. With the confidence
10:14
Speaker 1: of alcohol and the fact that she out numbered us,
10:16
Speaker 1: she went completely out of her way to approach us.
10:18
Speaker 1: Her and her friends all gave us the fake oh
10:20
Speaker 1: my god, it's so good to see you. How are
10:23
Speaker 1: you reaching out for a hug? When we were literally
10:26
Speaker 1: cornered between them and offense, We felt like we had
10:28
Speaker 1: no choice but to hug them back and interact with them,
10:31
Speaker 1: although we did our best to not give them much
10:32
Speaker 1: and to escape as soon as we found an opening.
10:35
Speaker 1: Fueled by the mum's narcissistic smear campaign, all of these
10:38
Speaker 1: women have said really terrible things about us in the past,
10:41
Speaker 1: so I was very uncomfortable with the interaction. My partner
10:44
Speaker 1: really cares about being quote unquote nice and not making
10:47
Speaker 1: people feel uncomfortable, whereas I don't care if people think
10:50
Speaker 1: I'm being rude. If it means I've held true to
10:53
Speaker 1: myself and upheld my boundaries, I will tolerate saying a
10:56
Speaker 1: quick color to someone I don't like, but I'm not
10:58
Speaker 1: a touchy person in general. Sure as hell don't want
11:01
Speaker 1: to be hugging people who have been horrible to me.
11:03
Speaker 1: So my question is, can you avoid an interaction like
11:05
Speaker 1: this while balancing being nice and not causing a scene?
11:09
Speaker 1: Would you just hug someone to not make things awkward?
11:12
Speaker 1: Thank you for your advice warmly. I won't say your name,
11:19
Speaker 1: so I'll start with the last question that you said.
11:23
Speaker 1: Would you hug someone just to make things to not
11:26
Speaker 1: make things awkward? It depends on the context. If it
11:29
Speaker 1: was someone who I didn't think had been horrible to
11:33
Speaker 1: me or rude to me, and it was just an
11:35
Speaker 1: awkward person, maybe, But in your scenario, if someone had
11:39
Speaker 1: been rude about me or to me or to my partner,
11:44
Speaker 1: I can tell you right now I would. And I
11:46
Speaker 1: know this is not what you're asking, because you're asking
11:47
Speaker 1: for whatever, but I would. There's no fucking chance in
11:50
Speaker 1: hell i'd be hugging them, not a chance, and it
11:52
Speaker 1: would be known. They would fucking know that I'm not
11:55
Speaker 1: hugging them. I would be. It would be a thing, okay,
11:58
Speaker 1: because look, I'm no mother Teresa. So I'm not big
12:04
Speaker 1: on being the bigger person. Okay, at times it will
12:07
Speaker 1: serve you to be the bigger person, but if it
12:09
Speaker 1: serves you, but if it doesn't serve you being the
12:11
Speaker 1: bigger person, you don't have to be the bigger person.
12:14
Speaker 1: I know that your partner wants to still be the
12:17
Speaker 1: nice one. But you can't have it all in life.
12:20
Speaker 1: You simply can't. But what you can have is control
12:23
Speaker 1: over your own circumstances and yourself as much as possible.
12:27
Speaker 1: So knowing that you can't absolutely have it all, but
12:29
Speaker 1: you can have quite a lot, and you can have
12:32
Speaker 1: your own respect to yourself, You've got to ask yourself,
12:34
Speaker 1: what's more important that these degenerates think I'm nice or
12:39
Speaker 1: that I am protecting my boundaries, my peace. And while
12:43
Speaker 1: I might have a really uncomfortable encounter this time, it's
12:47
Speaker 1: way less likely that these people are ever going to
12:49
Speaker 1: try and hug me again or have this thing. You know,
12:51
Speaker 1: it's one really awkward moment for then potentially way more
12:55
Speaker 1: peace in the future because they're less likely to try
12:59
Speaker 1: and behave that way around me anymore. If someone's going
13:01
Speaker 1: to talk shit about me, just do it openly, like
13:05
Speaker 1: don't talk shit about me behind my back and then
13:06
Speaker 1: pretend that you like me to my face. It's exhausting, Like,
13:09
Speaker 1: just if you don't like me, so be it, but
13:11
Speaker 1: do it and be loud and proud about it. But
13:14
Speaker 1: this whole talking shit and then ah ah to my face.
13:17
Speaker 1: I wouldn't have a bar of that shit, Like, you
13:18
Speaker 1: know what, I'm not gonna hate. I'm not gonna be
13:20
Speaker 1: so upset if someone that I don't like doesn't like
13:23
Speaker 1: me back, So I wouldn't bothered. You know, I feel
13:26
Speaker 1: like with situations like this, when you're so in it,
13:30
Speaker 1: when you're in the thick of it, it feels like
13:32
Speaker 1: it's such a big deal. But if you were to
13:35
Speaker 1: zoom out and gain perspective and hang out with other
13:38
Speaker 1: groups of people and talk to other people and get
13:40
Speaker 1: more and more, you know, separated from this group. Do
13:43
Speaker 1: you think anyone whose opinion you actually value would care
13:48
Speaker 1: that your mother in law's friends have said mean things
13:50
Speaker 1: about you and don't like you. They'd be like, yeah, yeah,
13:53
Speaker 1: they're a bunch of sad individuals. Who cares what they
13:55
Speaker 1: say about you? It doesn't matter. I think your partner
13:59
Speaker 1: has to really decide what's going to be more important,
14:02
Speaker 1: because there's going to be discomfort you either other nice
14:05
Speaker 1: one and you're there tearing yourself off. But I hate
14:07
Speaker 1: that they do this. I hate that they do this
14:09
Speaker 1: going round and round and round and round and around,
14:10
Speaker 1: and that will never end. This can go for decades,
14:12
Speaker 1: by the way, Or he can be uncomfortable because he
14:15
Speaker 1: has this really awkward moment once maybe twice, but then
14:20
Speaker 1: he's like, oh, I never have to worry about that again.
14:23
Speaker 1: Choose your discomfort. He can't have it both ways. You
14:26
Speaker 1: literally asked, you know, how can you know? You know,
14:29
Speaker 1: how is it possible to basically be the nice person?
14:32
Speaker 1: How do you balance being nice and not causing a scene?
14:35
Speaker 1: Cause a scene? You live once cause a scene. I'd
14:40
Speaker 1: love to cause that scene. I wish I could cause
14:42
Speaker 1: that scene on your behalf at the soccer game, because
14:47
Speaker 1: even better almost if you're causing a scene, because then
14:50
Speaker 1: it's more shocking for them. And yeah, they've got stuff
14:52
Speaker 1: to talk about for probably months, in like months, Oh
14:55
Speaker 1: how rude were they? Oh my god, can you believe this?
14:57
Speaker 1: Oh my god? Right, good on them. You've given them
14:59
Speaker 1: like heaps of to talk about. But from your perspective,
15:02
Speaker 1: you've made it so fucking clear that you don't want
15:04
Speaker 1: to hug this people. And what I would do is
15:06
Speaker 1: if these people approached me, I would say hello, and
15:08
Speaker 1: if they kept approaching, you say sorry, I don't want
15:11
Speaker 1: to hug you. Literally, that's all I would say, I
15:13
Speaker 1: don't want to hug you. And if they would say anything,
15:15
Speaker 1: just say I'm sorry, I don't want to hug you.
15:17
Speaker 1: I'll just repeat myself, Like sometimes you need to make
15:20
Speaker 1: it so fucking basic and less is more, because if
15:23
Speaker 1: all you say is I don't want to hug you,
15:26
Speaker 1: and you say that a couple of times, no matter
15:28
Speaker 1: what they say about you, no matter how much they bitch,
15:30
Speaker 1: anyone who's witnessed that is like they literally just said
15:33
Speaker 1: they didn't want to hug That's all they said. And
15:34
Speaker 1: they said it repeatedly, and these people kept pushing back
15:37
Speaker 1: or being uncomfortable or whatever. The best thing you can
15:40
Speaker 1: do is state your intention or what you will and
15:42
Speaker 1: won't put up with, and then remove yourself from the situation.
15:45
Speaker 1: And if that's causing a scene, then I'd fucking love
15:48
Speaker 1: to cause a scene every day. Okay that's my opinion,
15:52
Speaker 1: but yeah, if I were, you stand your ground and
15:55
Speaker 1: another thing. You are not your husband and your husban
16:00
Speaker 1: is not you. You are allowed to protect your boundaries if
16:03
Speaker 1: you feel super uncomfortable, and he can also make his
16:05
Speaker 1: choices how he carries on. It would be nice to
16:08
Speaker 1: be united front with your husband and both make a
16:10
Speaker 1: decision that kind of aligns with the both of you.
16:12
Speaker 1: But ultimately, if you're super uncomfortable with these people, you
16:15
Speaker 1: absolutely do not have to hug them, even if your
16:17
Speaker 1: husband wants to be the nice one. I would say
16:19
Speaker 1: to Tyrone if this is a situation with Tyrone, and
16:21
Speaker 1: I am like, You're entitled to be friends with your
16:23
Speaker 1: enemies if you want, but I'm not gonna hug people
16:25
Speaker 1: I don't like. That will never happen. I'm a grown woman, Okay,
16:28
Speaker 1: so I love you so much, but if I'm ever
16:30
Speaker 1: put in that situation again, I will make it very
16:32
Speaker 1: clear that I do not want to hug these people. Simple. So,
16:35
Speaker 1: if you make up your mind about this thing and
16:37
Speaker 1: your husband decides to go down to the quote unquote
16:39
Speaker 1: nice route, you can have differing opinions and you can
16:43
Speaker 1: behave differently according to the situation that you put in
16:46
Speaker 1: front of You don't have to put yourself in an
16:48
Speaker 1: uncomfortable situation where you have to touch fucking people that
16:51
Speaker 1: you don't like just to appease or to not hurt
16:53
Speaker 1: your husband's feelings. He's entitled to what he wants, as
16:56
Speaker 1: are you. Hope that helped last one. This one is
17:02
Speaker 1: called how to Move Through Fear and Embrace the Unknown.
17:05
Speaker 1: Ah my specialty. Dear Alexis, I absolutely love this podcast
17:09
Speaker 1: and have been listening since the beginning. Thank you, thank you.
17:13
Speaker 1: It's a long time. Your work has helped me grow
17:15
Speaker 1: and become more confident. Anytime a friend has a problem,
17:18
Speaker 1: I send them a link to your podcast. Thank you,
17:20
Speaker 1: thank you, thank you. I love that. My question is
17:22
Speaker 1: about motherhood and moving through the fear of the unknown.
17:25
Speaker 1: My partner and I are ready to have kids, but
17:27
Speaker 1: now it feels like a real possibility. I've realized how
17:30
Speaker 1: much the thought of pregnancy and birth scares me. I'm
17:33
Speaker 1: the type of person who likes to understand and prepare
17:35
Speaker 1: for everything, but with pregnancy, birth and beyond, so much
17:39
Speaker 1: of it requires letting go of control. Part of this
17:42
Speaker 1: fear likely comes from watching my sister go through a
17:45
Speaker 1: traumatic birth and a long recovery. I'm also an endurance athlete,
17:48
Speaker 1: and the idea of not being able to exercise, or
17:51
Speaker 1: potentially losing access to something that is such a core
17:53
Speaker 1: part of who I am, feels really scary. At the
17:56
Speaker 1: same time, my partner and I are very open to
17:58
Speaker 1: adoption and not set up on having biological children in
18:01
Speaker 1: order to have a family. I just don't want feared
18:04
Speaker 1: to be the only reason I choose not to get pregnant.
18:06
Speaker 1: To be clear, my partner is completely supportive either way.
18:10
Speaker 1: There's no pressure for him to have biological children. This
18:12
Speaker 1: pressure is entirely internal, and part of me feels like
18:15
Speaker 1: I'm giving up on something if we don't at least try.
18:18
Speaker 1: You've navigated motherhood and all that comes with it with
18:21
Speaker 1: such grace, and I would love your perspective. How do
18:23
Speaker 1: I move past the fear of pregnancy and birth, specifically
18:26
Speaker 1: with finding peace in the loss of control that comes
18:29
Speaker 1: with it, or how do I start stand confident in
18:32
Speaker 1: the choice to adopt. Any advice would mean so much.
18:35
Speaker 1: This is a really, really good question, because especially when
18:38
Speaker 1: you're like genuinely considering the two options, and both options
18:41
Speaker 1: would be incredible. Look, the main thing is that you
18:46
Speaker 1: obviously are fine with the motherhood side of things with
18:50
Speaker 1: being a parent. None of this is questioning do I
18:53
Speaker 1: have children? So it really boils down to am I
18:56
Speaker 1: going to carry the child? Okay? Because the changes that
19:01
Speaker 1: occur in your life, the changes that occur even for
19:04
Speaker 1: you as an athlete, and for your husband and whatever
19:06
Speaker 1: it is that he does in his life, there are
19:08
Speaker 1: still going to be major changes even if you don't
19:10
Speaker 1: carry the child. Obviously, you know with how you manage
19:12
Speaker 1: your time, and having said that, every season evolves in
19:17
Speaker 1: a different way. So with my kids, you know, what
19:21
Speaker 1: was difficult in the first two months obviously is now
19:24
Speaker 1: easier and it's replaced with different difficult things. But then
19:27
Speaker 1: other things get a lot easier. So when people say
19:29
Speaker 1: what's been the hardest part of what's been the easiest
19:31
Speaker 1: part of what? I don't know. Because you're always evolving
19:35
Speaker 1: and adapting. You learn so quickly on the job, You
19:39
Speaker 1: pick up things so fast. What originally was daunting never
19:42
Speaker 1: really became daunting because you just adapt as you go.
19:45
Speaker 1: You'll be quite pleasantly surprised, especially if you've got a
19:49
Speaker 1: great partner in your husband, if you're a team, if
19:53
Speaker 1: you approach this as a team. I'm speaking from experience
19:55
Speaker 1: of someone that's really approaching parenthood as a team with
19:58
Speaker 1: my partner. Then I think the actual parenting side of things,
20:03
Speaker 1: you will take it in your stride. There will be
20:06
Speaker 1: moments where you know it's definitely harder than others. But
20:09
Speaker 1: I think you'd be pleasantly surprised with how adaptable you
20:12
Speaker 1: are as a human. Okay, so I think, but that's
20:15
Speaker 1: not something that you're really questioning. So really you got
20:17
Speaker 1: to ask yourself, how is this affecting my body for
20:20
Speaker 1: in the time that I'm trying to get pregnant and
20:22
Speaker 1: the time that I'm carrying the child versus not doing
20:24
Speaker 1: that at all, Because again, it's going to affect different
20:28
Speaker 1: people differently. Number One, you have to ask yourself, do
20:30
Speaker 1: I have any medical reasons that would make carrying the
20:34
Speaker 1: child or the aftermath of having carried the child much
20:37
Speaker 1: harder or worse for me than the general population of
20:41
Speaker 1: women that have children. So that's the first question, Because
20:45
Speaker 1: you might have something that well, if you do carry
20:47
Speaker 1: it's going to be really bad on your spine or
20:49
Speaker 1: your back or this or that you have a condition.
20:51
Speaker 1: That's another consideration. But if not, then we're looking at Okay,
20:54
Speaker 1: so what is the a normal quote unquote normal pregnancy.
20:57
Speaker 1: What would that mean for you as an endurance athlete?
21:00
Speaker 1: Now you can go down the path of finding people
21:03
Speaker 1: that have done what you are thinking about doing, asking
21:06
Speaker 1: them questions and seeing because if you see it everywhere
21:09
Speaker 1: women do it, they do it. It's not saying that
21:12
Speaker 1: you should do it, but it's saying it is possible.
21:14
Speaker 1: So if you're thinking it's going to ruin my chances forever,
21:17
Speaker 1: it won't. But it's also what what are the factors
21:22
Speaker 1: at play for me? Because I don't know your actual
21:25
Speaker 1: your specific situation. Okay, so that's another thing. You also
21:31
Speaker 1: have to look at those nine months. What would it
21:35
Speaker 1: take away from you if you didn't carry? And what
21:37
Speaker 1: would it what benefits would you get if you did?
21:41
Speaker 1: I don't know which you know what the situation is
21:45
Speaker 1: where you're from with adoption and how long that process is.
21:47
Speaker 1: Do you have a time Like there's all these different
21:49
Speaker 1: questions that you've got to ask yourself, and it's going
21:51
Speaker 1: to help you get closer and closer to an answer. Obviously,
21:54
Speaker 1: I can't give you a straight up answer of what
21:56
Speaker 1: even what I would do and what I wouldn't do
21:58
Speaker 1: because you're in a situation where you're to have both.
22:01
Speaker 1: But for example, in Australia, the adoption process is long
22:06
Speaker 1: and arduous for a lot of people, and so you
22:09
Speaker 1: look at it being like, all right, well, if we're
22:10
Speaker 1: going to adopt, we want to start putting the field
22:12
Speaker 1: is out really fucking soon. It'd be like a couple
22:14
Speaker 1: of years before this at least, and this and that
22:17
Speaker 1: versus pregnancy, And then you'd have to ask yourself, do
22:21
Speaker 1: we have any you know, hurdles you got to get
22:24
Speaker 1: over fertility wise? Is it going to be something that
22:26
Speaker 1: we can conceive quite easily versus are we doing you know,
22:28
Speaker 1: there's all all of those questions I don't know the
22:30
Speaker 1: answer to. Only you would by doing you know, your
22:33
Speaker 1: research and looking into it. But one thing that I
22:35
Speaker 1: do want to say is that you know, every single
22:40
Speaker 1: pregnancy is going to be different. Every single pregnancy is unique.
22:45
Speaker 1: But there the human body is fucking amazing and resilient
22:51
Speaker 1: and your ability to you know, gain regain your strength
22:57
Speaker 1: to rebuild yourself after giving birth. I'm blown away with
23:03
Speaker 1: how I don't want to say fucked, but fucked like
23:07
Speaker 1: I was after giving birth. My ab separation was a joke,
23:12
Speaker 1: Like it was ten centimeters. You just felt like jelly,
23:16
Speaker 1: like actual jelly. You touch it and it was like boo.
23:19
Speaker 1: And I'm ten months in now and I am a
23:24
Speaker 1: completely different person who I was ten months about it,
23:27
Speaker 1: and ten months goes like that, And so I used
23:32
Speaker 1: to also think, like, what's it going to be like after?
23:34
Speaker 1: How long would it take for me to feel strong again?
23:36
Speaker 1: How long would it take for me to feel like
23:38
Speaker 1: my body again? How long would it take? And I'm
23:40
Speaker 1: not even talking about it from an esthetic like visual
23:44
Speaker 1: point of view. I'm talking about how I felt within
23:46
Speaker 1: my body? How long would it take? And it's incredible
23:49
Speaker 1: at how relative like in it in I mean ten
23:53
Speaker 1: months and how I'm feeling now, but even four months
23:55
Speaker 1: in five months and I was feeling really really good.
23:57
Speaker 1: So I think that's another thing to consider. Sometimes we
23:59
Speaker 1: look as it's like, oh my god, this is the
24:01
Speaker 1: longest process in the world, but you blink and a
24:03
Speaker 1: year's gone by. So I think if I were you,
24:07
Speaker 1: I literally haven't been able to give you an answer.
24:09
Speaker 1: But if I were you, what I would suggest is
24:12
Speaker 1: find other endurance athletes that have had children, and as
24:15
Speaker 1: many as possible, get on Reddit, get on all these
24:18
Speaker 1: different forums, Ask Ask, Ask, find people that maybe you
24:22
Speaker 1: might not even ask, but people that are public about
24:24
Speaker 1: their journey after having kids when they're an endurance athlete
24:26
Speaker 1: and look at what it was like for them get
24:30
Speaker 1: as much intel because then you start seeing what your
24:33
Speaker 1: life could look like through that lens, and then that
24:36
Speaker 1: could help you give you a better answer with what
24:40
Speaker 1: you choose to do. But the fact that you're both
24:42
Speaker 1: super open to adoption, I think is awesome, really really awesome,
24:46
Speaker 1: because if you look at all of that and you say, nah,
24:48
Speaker 1: I'm still not confident, I still don't feel like it's
24:49
Speaker 1: the right decision for me, then it's something that you
24:51
Speaker 1: can both dive into straight away. It's not one person
24:53
Speaker 1: having to convince the other. I think one of the
24:55
Speaker 1: hardest things in anything that you do is trying to
24:57
Speaker 1: find a partner that you can be on the same
24:59
Speaker 1: page in the major decisions in your life. And you
25:02
Speaker 1: have that, which is amazing. So I think ultimately you're
25:06
Speaker 1: already a step ahead because you've got that in your partner,
25:09
Speaker 1: and you've got this dynamic where you are fully supportive
25:12
Speaker 1: of that decision both ways, and you can make this
25:15
Speaker 1: decision comfortably together, which is huge. And that already tells
25:19
Speaker 1: me that you probably will make a good team throughout
25:22
Speaker 1: the whole journey. Okay, so while I haven't been able
25:24
Speaker 1: to give you my answer, that was just kind of
25:27
Speaker 1: a little bit of an insight and how I would
25:29
Speaker 1: approach the decision making process. Amazing. Guys. Thank you so
25:34
Speaker 1: much for tuning into today's episode. As always, well, if
25:38
Speaker 1: you do want to send in your questions via email,
25:41
Speaker 1: it's just to the email info at dwifmpod dot com.
25:44
Speaker 1: And if you want to send a voice note, just
25:47
Speaker 1: go to the website www dot dfmpod dot com and
25:51
Speaker 1: there's a little thing to submit your voice messages. That
25:53
Speaker 1: is all, guys, Thank you so much, love you so much.
25:55
Speaker 1: As always, remember becondt to yourself. You can't your brain,
25:58
Speaker 1: don't take shit from anyone and space actually, don't take
26:00
Speaker 1: shit from yourself. Don't care