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How You End Up Chasing After The Narcissist · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  How do you end up chasing after that pesky, desky narcissistic
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  person? How the hell does the dynamic go
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  from them chasing you and it switches to you chasing them?
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  How the hell does that happen, y'all?
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  That's what we're talking about today, y'all.
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  If you're new here, I'm Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a diagnosed narcissist, and of course, welcome to another
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  episode of The Narcissist Cold. Let's get it.
• 0:41
  Theme music is back. I'm back.
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  Let's get it. Yeah.
• 0:46
  Before we hop deep into today's episode, make sure you check out
• 0:49
  my courses at courses.mentalillness.net.
• 0:52
  I have a couple of five star courses on there that help you
• 0:54
  understand what you went through and heal from narcissistic
• 0:57
  abuse. courses.mentalillness.net.
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  Let's go. Anyways, y'all chasing that
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  narcissist. I know a lot of y'all are going
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  to watch this episode you like. Damn it, Lee, how you know I
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  this is what I needed to hear today.
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  I'm in here. I'm in here, I mean it.
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  Hey, it ain't nothing now. But seriously, you end up
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  chasing a narcissist. Y'all know how the relationship
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  with a narcissist works right? A lot of times not, oh, not
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  every single time, but a lot of times at the beginning of a
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  relationship with a narcissist, they are chasing you, right?
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  They chase you, they pursue you. They love bomb you, they clap
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  cheeks. They do everything.
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  They give you everything that they have to try to make you
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  stay with them. They give you, they chase after
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  you. They love you.
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  They put they do all kinds of things to you, right to keep you
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  staying there with them. They are chasing you and you
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  feel the chase, right? You feel the chase, you feel it.
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  You're like, damn, I love being chased.
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  I like this chase. I never I never felt this way
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  before. Nobody has ever made me feel
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  this way. And I like it.
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  I. Like feeling this way and I just
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  need to keep feeling this way. So they are like, you like the
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  chase, you like being pursued, you like being swept off of your
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  feet by this toxic narcissistic person, right?
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  But y'all know how it goes. It's always a butt ain't it?
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  A big old butt, big old BBL, right?
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  What's going on? The dynamic switches like in my
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  course about the, the stages of a narcissistic relationship, the
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  one of the first stage, like one of the stages is devaluation,
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  right? Once they start to devalue you
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  and take the love away, you end up chasing them, right?
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  You end up chasing after them. You end up, you like, 'cause
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  they take the love away. And you, you're not used to
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  feeling this way. You love, you love this feeling
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  of love and being taken care of, being cared for, right?
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  You love how they're treating you, and now during the
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  devaluation phase, they are treating you differently.
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  You don't necessarily like this. You don't like this feeling, You
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  don't like being treated like this.
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  So what do you do? You start going towards them.
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  You start trying to figure out what is going on.
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  Like, why don't you treat me like you used to treat me?
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  Why are things so different right now?
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  How can we get things back how we used to be?
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  Why? How can we get things started
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  how they were? Like what do we, what do I need
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  to do to get you to love me again?
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  Can you please help me? Can you please show me what I
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  need to do, what I can do, right?
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  So you're chasing them, right? You're going after them now
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  instead of them going after you and this works.
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  I'm telling you that y'all know it too Y'all like damn it Lee,
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  you know it. Yes it works.
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  Yes, it absolutely does work because they pursue like because
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  you want to be loved. You want to be cared for.
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  You want to pursue them. So now sometimes when you are
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  pursuing them, you're going to look crazy, right?
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  You're when they stop, when they stop picking your phone calls up
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  and start ignoring you at night. Sometimes you going to get your
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  little empathetic ass in the car and drive over there.
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  Sometimes you going to start blowing their phone up.
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  Sometimes you going to start damn near looking like you
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  harassing them. You Uncle Lee.
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  When I'm doing my one-on-one sometimes Lee, I feel
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  embarrassed. I called them 45 times the other
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  night when they didn't answer. I like you might want to stop
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  doing that because they're going to screenshot that and make you
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  look crazy. Like look, look y'all.
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  Look at my abusive ex. I tried to break up with them
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  and look at them calling me. 45 times.
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  You just can't end it nowadays with anybody.
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  You got to watch your back. You absolutely have to watch
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  your back or you going to end up looking like the pursuer.
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  You're going to end up looking like the abuser.
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  You know what I'm saying? You, you, you are.
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  And I just want to tell people you have to be prepared for this
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  because this is what narcissistic people do.
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  They want you to chase after them.
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  Because if you're actively chasing me, I don't have to put
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  in any more work. I can be very low effort.
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  You're chasing me. I don't have to do anything,
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  Lee. Why won't they give me anything?
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  I'm begging them to come back because you're begging them to
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  come back. You see how that works?
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  You're begging me to come back. I know I don't have to do
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  anything because you're right where I want you.
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  I have all the power now. You and your hands and knees
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  begging. You're calling me 100 times a
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  night. You look desperate to me.
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  So I know I get you exactly where I want you.
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  I knew I can go here and sleep with somebody else.
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  I knew I could play in your face and you will still come back to
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  me. So that's why how you end up
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  chasing them because you're pursuing me over and over again.
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  Like Natalie said my ex did that.
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  I begged him, cried and pleaded who a time he was at the time he
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  was a physically abusive and mentally and whole time I
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  begged. It's been 2 days, no content.
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  I'm doing good. So there you go.
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  Stay no contact because once you start to pull it away, sometimes
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  what you'll see happen is they'll try to come back towards
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  you. Like, once you stop reaching out
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  to them like they're so accustomed to now, once you stop
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  chasing them, what's going to happen is they're going to flip
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  the script and come back after you.
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  And you have to be prepared for that.
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  So Natalie, what's the name? Natalie?
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  Was that Natalie? Yeah.
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  Natalie, if he pops back up, you got to be prepared for that
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  because like he might just say, look, look.
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  I know things. Haven't gone the.
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  Way we thought. They would go and we haven't
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  the. Communication has been horrible.
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  But we need, we need you to just sit down and talk.
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  And maybe sleep together, maybe, maybe we, maybe we, maybe we can
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  get in and talk in the bedroom and we'll feel better and we can
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  work things out. No.
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  What we doing? No, no, no.
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  What we doing here? You know what I'm saying?
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  This is not what you want to do. You don't need to do that.
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  No, they don't. You don't have to go to the
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  bedroom to have a conversation, right?
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  You don't have to bend over in the back seat of the car to have
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  a conversation either. You don't have to do anything.
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  You don't need to talk to him. I'm saying, I know it's like,
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  I'm not trying to make it sound like it's super simplistic,
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  right? But it's black and white, right?
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  I'm not trying to make it seem like a super symbol to leave a
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  narcissist, but it's black and white.
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  Right. I know we haven't talked in a
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  long time, but maybe, just maybe can I get a, can I get a little
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  a pinch of booty, a little pinch?
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  I don't need much, I just need a little pinch of cheeks, a pinch
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  of ass please, And maybe, just maybe, we can work things out.
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  No. A little pinch.
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  A little pinch. No, not even the whole.
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  I only need the whole ass, just he's need a pinch.
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  Just just a little bit. Yeah, it absolutely is so hard
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  to get rid of a narcissist, especially when you've done the
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  back and forth stuff a lot. That's what ends up going on.
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  The back and forth stuff can make it very difficult to let a
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  narcissist go or to release yourself or to free yourself.
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  It absolutely is. So that's what I'm just saying.
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  As you continue to move forward, you have to realize that you're
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  doing the one thing that happens that I hope happens to a lot of
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  people, right? You wake up and realize that you
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  are doing the chasing right now. Right now you are the chaser,
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  right? You're doing the chasing.
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  And when you wake up to it and realize that you're doing the
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  chasing, it can absolutely help you heal and help you move
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  forward on your journey, right? It absolutely can you like,
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  because when you, when you realize that your legs are
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  moving, like wait, wait, you be like, wait, wait, wait, wait.
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  I'm chasing, I'm, I'm chasing them.
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  What the hell am I doing? And then you can stop chasing.
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  Your legs might still be moving. You might be.
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  Then you can start look, then you can start to run in place
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  and then you could turn it and go back towards yourself.
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  Because something this happens to so many people y'all, you end
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  up chasing them and guess what happens?
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  Sometimes they'll let you catch up to them.
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  Sometimes they'll pick the phone up after you've called me 75
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  times. The 76th time I'll pick up
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  right. The 76th time you called me,
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  I'll pick up and then I got you. I let you catch me a little bit.
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  Now I gave you look, I've bread, I've bread, I've I've bread
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  crumbed you now I got you again. Now the chase can start over
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  again. Now you back to running after
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  running after me again right. This is the process.
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  This is what happens to so many people.
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  You're going to keep doing this type of stuff over and over and
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  over again. Y'all it really is chasing makes
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  me feel pathetic and a little why do I still do it?
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  That's a question to ask yourself.
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  You see what I'm saying? Sometimes people don't care
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  about feeling pathetic and a little because if you think, if
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  you think you can get your needs met, I don't want to feel
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  pathetic a little, but you feel like if you feel like you're
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  getting your needs met, you'll feel pathetic a little.
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  You'll feel tiny. I've had people that there's so
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  many stories about people that go back into abusive
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  relationship that they give their kids up so they can go
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  back into an abusive relationship because they're
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  chasing after that person, this person trying to kill you and
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  your children. Are you going to go back to
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  them? Yes, keep the kids.
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  Keep my kids safe. I have to go back.
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  That be happening. That be happening.
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  Y'all be surprised how many people, how many people go back
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  to the times relationship? What do you ask yourself this
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  question right here? What are you getting from this
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  person? What are you getting from them?
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  What need are they meeting for you for you to keep going back
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  to them? What need are they meeting and
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  you can't look? What do you get?
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  What are you getting from this person by calling them and
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  texting them? And look, when you answer that
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  question, you can't say nothing. You can't say I don't know.
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  Those are easy answers. That's an easy way out.
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  You can't say either one of those.
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  I don't know nothing. You can't.
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  You're getting something. It's something there.
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  You have to figure it out. And once you figure it out, you
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  can stop it. Once you figure it out, you can
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  replace it with something healthier.
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  You can replace this Look. You can't.
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  If you feel like you're addicted to a narcissist, you can't just
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  cut them off, right? You can't just cut them off cold
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  Turkey like that because you have to.
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  You have to, in order to in order to get over one addiction,
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  you have to replace it with something healthier.
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  Like there's so many people out there who's there's so many
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  people out there, right who stopped drinking.
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  They'd be like, you know what, I'm 10 months sober.
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  Like, yes, that's amazing. I started doing meth instead.
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  What, you gave up one addiction to another one for another one.
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  You know what I'm saying? You have to find a healthier 1.
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  You can't stop drinking and start doing meth or smoking
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  cigarettes. Life starts.
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  I'm smoking cigarettes. I'm a chain smoker.
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  What? What are we doing?
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  Huh. You stop doing meth.
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  You what? How's that Better.
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  What are we doing here? Meth.
• 11:54
  Newports. Paul Miles.
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  What are we doing? That's the type of stuff right
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  there to get you. You have to find a healthier
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  addiction. You have to find something
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  healthier to replace it with the, Adam said. 10 months since
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  I stopped the chasing started. Since I stopped chasing, life is
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  so much healthier. There you go.
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  Shout out to you, Adam, shout out to you, shout out to y'all
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  who are who are trying to stop, right?
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  I'm not even going to shout Adam out because he's 10 months out.
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  I'm shouting out to the people who have tried to stop and still
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  find themselves in it. I'm telling y'all, if you've
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  tried everything and you still can't, you feel like you still
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  can't cut this person off. I'm telling you, take a look at
• 12:29
  one of my courses. I'm telling you my courses help
• 12:31
  you understand what you went through, understand how you got
• 12:35
  there in the 1st place and a lot of them and, and it can help you
• 12:38
  finally break that the final ties that bond, right?
• 12:42
  You can check it out. It's like mental.
• 12:43
  You can check my my courses like mental illness.net, but you can
• 12:46
  also enter the code mothers or fathers and you can get 50% off
• 12:50
  of them. Y'all, 50% off of them.
• 12:52
  And then also check out joining my support group, right?
• 12:57
  You can join my support group where there's a lot of people in
• 12:59
  my support group that are going through similar things.
• 13:03
  They're going to do similar things that you are and when you
• 13:06
  going through the support, like I said, when you're going
• 13:08
  through similar things, you have other voices.
• 13:10
  What's going on, Tamara? Other people can help you get
• 13:13
  out of there as well. So that's my my support group.
• 13:15
  We have meetings every week on zoom, private meetings.
• 13:18
  You can meet friends in there. You can talk to me too.
• 13:20
  I'm in there, I'm in the support group every single day, all of
• 13:22
  them and what not. This is what happens y'all, I'm
• 13:25
  promise you, you support group, my courses, my support group are
• 13:28
  available. Check them out into the cup
• 13:29
  mothers and fathers for 50% off of them.
• 13:31
  Y'all, I'm not as crazy anymore. Yeah, you can get you can like
• 13:36
  once you get out of here, y'all, you might find yourself feeling
• 13:39
  crazy. You might look back and it's
• 13:41
  like, damn, I I did some crazy ass stuff.
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  But it doesn't have to be your end of your story.
• 13:45
  I think that's what helps people out right there where you are
• 13:48
  right now does not have to be the end because so many people
• 13:52
  get depressed because you feel like you're stuck in it.
• 13:54
  You feel like there's a do you feel like you're depressed and
• 13:57
  what you fall into a depression and whatnot.
• 13:59
  And if you were depressed, you get stuck in it and it is very
• 14:03
  difficult to get out of something when you're depressed.
• 14:05
  You know what I'm saying that that that happens to a lot of
• 14:10
  people in this situation, y'all? So if you get depressed, I'm not
• 14:13
  sending, I'm not saying anymore don't send.
• 14:15
  If you sending money to them, don't send, don't send them no
• 14:17
  more money. Please, please, if you if you
• 14:20
  support the narcissist, come on now.
• 14:22
  We got, we got, we got to wake. Up now we got to.
• 14:23
  Wake ourselves up and whatnot, y'all.
• 14:25
  But anyway, y'all, I have to hop off of here.
• 14:30
  I have to hop off the zoom and go pick my son up from school.
• 14:33
  Hit it like I said, check out my courses, check out my support
• 14:35
  group, all the other stuff. Y'all, I have to hop off this
• 14:37
  thing like right now I'll be late picking them up.
• 14:40
  Hit that subscribe button if you haven't.
• 14:42
  And as always, y'all, as always, mental illness is out peace.
• 14:46
  Mental illness.net for all things Lee Hammock out there to
• 14:48
  go peace.