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An Adulteration Act · The Lady of the Barge and other Stort Stories

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Section ten of the Lady of the BArch. This is a LibriVox recording.
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All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer,
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please visit LibriVox dot org. The Lady of the Barge by W.
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W. Jacobs, Section ten an Adulteration Act. Doctor Frank Carson had been
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dreaming, tantalizing dreams of ruling effervescent beverages over and over again. In his
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dreams, he had risen from his bed and, tripping lightly down to the
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surgery in his pajamas, mixed himself something long and cool and fizzy, without
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being able to bring the dream to a satisfactory termination. With a sudden start,
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he awoked. The thirst was still upon him. The materials for quenching
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it just down one flight of stairs. He would have smacked his lips at
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the prospect if they had been moist enough to smack. As it was,
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he pushed down the bedclothes, and, throwing one leg out of bed,
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became firmly convinced that he was still dreaming, for the atmosphere was stifling and
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odorous, and the ceiling descended in an odd houlging curve to within a couple
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feet of his head, still half asleep, eraised his fists and potted at
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it in astonishment, a feeling which gave way to one of stupefaction as the
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ceiling took another shape and swore distinctly, I must be dreaming, he said
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the doctor. Even the ceiling seems alive. He prodded it again, regarding
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it closely. This time the ceiling at once rose to greater altitude, and
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at the same moment an old face with wishy whiskers crawled under the edge of
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it and asked him profanely what he meant by it. It also asked him
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whether he wanted something for himself, because if so, he was going the
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right way to work. Mamma demanded the bewildered doctor, Mary. Maybe he
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started up in bed and brought his head in sudden, violent contact with the
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ceiling. Then, before the indignant ceiling could carry out its threat of a
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moment before he slipped out of bed and stood on a floor which was in
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its place one moment and somewhere else the next. In the smell of filge,
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water, tar, and the fetid atmosphere generally, his clouded brain awoke
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to the fact that he was on board ship, but resolutely declined to inform
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him how he got there. He looked down in disgust at the wrecked ooths
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which he had in lieu of the usual pajamas, and then, as events
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slowly pieced themselves together in his mind, remembered as the last thing that he
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could remember, that he had warned his friend Mary Thomson, solicitor, that
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if he had any more to drink, it would not be good for him.
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He wondered dimly as he stood whether Thompson was there too, and walking
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unsteadily round the forecastle, whilst the sleepers one high one and asked them whether
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they were Harry Thompson, all answering with much fluency and the negative, until
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he came to one man, who for some time had made no answer at
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all. The doctor shook him first, and then punched him. Then he
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shook him again and gave him little scientific slaps, until at length Harry Thompson,
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in a far away voice, said that he was all right. Well,
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I'm glad I'm not alone, said the doctor selfishly. Harry Verry waked
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up. All right, said the sleeper, I'm all right. The doctor
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shook him again and then rolled him backward and forward in his bunk. Under
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this gentle treatment, the solicitor's faculties were somewhat brightened, and half opening his
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eyes, he punched viciously at the disturber of his piece, until threatening voices
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from the gloom promised to murder both of them. Where are we? Demanded
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the doctor of a deep voice from the other side of the forecastle, which
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had been particularly threatening. Bart Stella, of course, was the reply,
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where do you think you was? The doctor gripped the edge of his friend's
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bunk and tried to think. In a feeling of nausea overcoming all others,
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he clambered worriedly at the forecastle ladder and lurched to the side of the vessel.
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He leaned there for some time without moving, a light breeze cooling his
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fevered brow, and a small schooner some little distance from them, playing seesaw.
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As he closed his eyes to the heaving blue sea, land was conspicuous
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by its absence, and with a groan, he turned and looked about him
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at the white, scrubbed death, the snowy canvas towering aloft on lazily creaking
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spars, and the steersman, leaning against the wheel, regarding the officer who
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stood nearby. Doctor Carson, feeling a little better, walked sternly aft the
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officer, turning round and glancing in surprise at his rags as he approached.
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I beg your pardon, began the doctor in superior tones. What did devil
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do you want? Demanded the second officer, who told you to come al?
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He want you to know what this means, said the doctor fiercely.
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Dare you kidnap us on your beastly belch tongue? AND's mad, murmured the
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astonished second officer. Insufferable outrage continued the doctor. Take us back to Melbourne
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at once. You get foed, said the other. Sharply get forid and
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don't let me have any more your lip. Want to see the captain of
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this ship, cried the doctor. Go and fetch him at once. The
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second officer gazed at him, limp with astonishment, and then turned to the
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steersman, as though unable to believe his ears. The steersman pointed in front
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of him, and the other gave a cry of surprise and rage as he
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saw another under d'malion coming with uncertain steps toward him, far Son said the
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new arrival, feebly, and coming closer to his friend, hung to him
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miserably. I'm just having it out with them, Thompson said the doctor energetically.
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Friend, here is the sol Tell him what will happen if they don't
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take us back. Harry, you seem to be unaware, my good fellow,
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said the solicitor, covering a large hole in the leg of his trousers
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with his hand. A very dangerous situation in which you have placed yourselves.
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We have no desire to be harsh with you, not at all, acquiesced
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the doctor, nodding at the second officer. At the same time, continued
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mister Thompson at the He let go of his friend's arm and staggered away.
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The doctor gazed after him sympathetically. His digestion is not at all as it
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should be, he said to the second officer, confidentially. If you don't
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get ford in tails, said that, gentleman, explosively, I knock your
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heads off. The doctor gazed at him in haughty disdain, and taking the
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limp Thompson by the arm, led him slowly away. Why did we get
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here, asked mister Harry Thomson, feebly. The doctor shook his head.
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What did we get these disgusting clothes on, continued his friend. The doctor
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shook his head again. The last thing I can remember, Harry, he
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said slowly, was imploring you not to drink any more. I didn't hear
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you, said the solicitor crossly. Your speech was very indistinct last night seemed
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so to you, I dare say, said the other mister. Thompson shook
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his arm off, and, clinging to the main mast, leaned his cheek
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against it and closed his eyes. He opened them again with the sound of
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voices, and drew himself up as he saw the second officer humming, along
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with a stern visaged man of about fifty. They're the master of this vessel,
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inquired the doctor, stepping to his friend's side. What the blazes is
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it ought to do with you, demanded the skipper. Look here, my
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lad. Don't you play any your little games on me, because they won't
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do. You're both of you as drug is owl defamation of Carroll, said
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the solicitor feebly to his friend. Allow me, said the doctor, with
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his best manner, to inquire what all this means? I am, doctor
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Frank Carson, the Melbourne. This gentleman is my friend, mister Thompson of
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the same place. Solicitor, roared the skipper, the veins in his forehead,
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standing out, doctor, solicitor, why you dam rascals you shipped with
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me as cook and a B. There's some mistake, said the doctor.
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I'm afraid I shall have to ask you to take us back. I hope
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you haven't come forard. Go scarecrows away, cried the skipper hoarsely. Take
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them away before I do them mischief. I'll have the law of somebody for
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shipping two useless numbers as singmen. Look to me, lock the hackets.
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You shall answer for this, said Carson. Fmy. We're all professional men
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and we're not going to be abused by a bargie. Let him talk,
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said mister Thompson, hurriedly, drawing his friend away from the irate skipper.
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Let him talk. I'll put ye boat in quad when we get to Hong
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Kong, said the skipper. Meantime, no work, no food. Ye
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hear start and called a breakfast, mister doctor, and you, mister lawyer
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turned to and asked the boy to teach you in a b's duties. He
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walked back to the cabin, and the new cook was slowly pushed toward the
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galley by the second officer. The new a b under the same gentle guidance,
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being conducted back to the forecastle. Fortunately for the new seamen, the
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weather continued fine, but the heat of the galley was declared by the new
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cook to be insupportable. From the other hands, they learned that they had
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been shipped with several others by a resourceful boarding housemaster. The other hands,
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being men of plain speech, also said that they were brought aboard in a
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state of beastly and enviable intoxication, and sha crudely when the doctor attributed their
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apparent state of intoxication to drugs. You say you're a doctor, said the
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oldest seaman. I am, said Carson fiercely. What suited doctor or you?
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If you don't know when you've just been played within, asked the old
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man, as a grin passed slowly from mouth to mouth. I suppose it
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is because I drink so seldom, said the doctor loftily. I hardly know
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the taste of liquor myself. Well as for my friend mister Thompson, you
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might almost call him the teetotaler next door to one, said the solicitor,
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who was sewing a patch on his trousers, as he looked up approvingly.
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You might call him a slay if you like, said another seaman, but
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that would make him one more I can say, is I never adding a
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time of money to get in a state you was bothed in when you come
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aboard. If the forecastle was incredulous, the cabin was worse. The officer's
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at first took but little notice of them, but feeling their torn and tattered
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appearance was against them, they put on so many airs and graces to counteract
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this that flesh and blood could not endure it. Quietly, the cook would
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allude to his friend as mister Thompson, while the A B could persist in
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referring with a most affected utterance to doctor Carson. Good bawled the skipper.
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One day, when they were about a week out, Doctor Carson, who
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was peeling potato, stepped slowly out of the galley and went toward him.
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You say, sir when you're spoken too, said the skipper fiercely. The
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doctor sneered, myf you snit may how knock your head off, said the
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other with a wicked look. When you get back to Melbourne, said the
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doctor. Quire you'll hear more of this your rook up while a pete pockets
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aping the gentleman, said the skipper, and he turned to the mate.
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Mister McKenzie, what at least to bagle muffins looked liked pete pockets, said
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the mate dutifully. It's a very handy thing, said the old man,
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jeeringly. To have a doctor a boy first time I carried a surgeon.
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Mister mackenzie could fall loudly, and a solicitor, said the skipper, gazing
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darkly at the hapless Harry Thompson. But was cleaning brass work andy a case.
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It just bits. He's a real sea lawyer, cook, Sir,
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said the doctor quietly. Go down and tidy my cabin, and see you
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do it well. The doctor went below without a word and worked like a
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housemaid. When he came on deck again, his face wore a small almost
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of happiness, and his hand caressed one trouser's pocket as though it concealed a
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hidden weapon. For the following three or four days, the two unfortunates were
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worked unceasingly. Mister Thompson complained bitterly, but the cook wore a sphinx like
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smile and tried to comfort him. It won't be for long, Harry said,
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consolingly. The solicitor sniffed. I could write tracked after tract on temperance,
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he said bitterly. I wonder what I purvis your thinking. I expect
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they have put us down as day tying their eyes up, said the doctor
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wistfully. But they'll dry them precious quick when we get back. And all
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sorts of questions. What are you going to say, Harry the true,
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said the solicitor virtuously. So am I said his friend. But mind,
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we must both tell the same tale. Whatever it is. Hello, what's
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suir? It just keep us, said the boy, who had just run
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up. He wants to see you. I won't. He's dying. He
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caught hold of the doctor by the sleeve, but Carson, in his most
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professional manner, declined to be hurried. He went leisurely down the companion ladder
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and met with a careless glance at the certain faces of the mate and second
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officer. Come to the skipper at once, said the mate. Does he
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want to see me? Said the doctor, languidly. As he entered the
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cabin. The skipper was lying doubled up in his bunk, his face twisted
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with pain. Doctor, give me something quick. Here's the medicine chest.
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Do you want some food, sir inquired the other respectfully. Foo'd be damned,
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said the sufferer. I want easy. Here's a medicine chest. The
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doctor took it up and held it out to him. I have more delot
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on the skipper. I want you to gimme jumped in for weird hot corkscrews
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in the inside. I beg your pardon, said the doctor, humbly.
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I'm only the cook if you don't rescribe for me at once, said the
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skipper, what you eating hands? The doctor shook his head. I shipped
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his cook, he said, slowly, give me something for Heaven's sake,
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said the skipper, humbly. I'm dying, The doctor pondered. If he
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didn't treat him a wine, I'll break your good, said the mate,
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persuasively. The doctor regarded him scornfully and turned to the writhing skipper. My
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feet is half a guinea a visit, he said, softly, five shillings
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if you come to me now, have one half a guineme's wood, said
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the agonized skipper. The doctor took his wrist and calmly drew the second officer's
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watch from its owner's pocket. Then he inspected the sick man's tongue, and,
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shaking his head, selected a powder from the chest. You mustn't mind
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it's being nasty, he said. Where's a spoon? He looked round for
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one, but the skipper took the powder from his hand and looked it from
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the paper as though it had been sherbet for mercy's sake. I'll say it's
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collar right, he gasped. I won't say anything, said the doctor.
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Where did you say the money was? The skipper pointed to his trousers,
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and mister Mackenzie, his national spirit rising at hot rage, took out the
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agreed amount and handed it to the physician. Am I in danger, said
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the skipper. It's always danger, said the doctor, in his best bits
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and manner. Have you made your will? The other, turning pale,
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shook his head. Perhaps you'd like to see a solicitor, said Carson,
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in winning tones. I'm not bad enough for yet, said the skipper,
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stoutly. You must stay here and nurse the skipper, mister mackenzie, said
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Carson, turning to the mate. I'll be good enough not to make that
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snuffling noise. It's worrying to an invalid snuffling noise, repeated the horror struck
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mate. Yes, you've got an unpleasant habit of snuffling, said the doctor,
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but sometimes I worries me. Meant to speak to you about it before.
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You mustn't do it here. If you want to snuffle, go and
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snuffle on deck. The frenzied outburst of the mate was interrupted by the skipper.
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Don't may get noisy, my cabby, mister mc caensie, he said
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severely. Both mates withdrew in Dungeon and Carson, after arranging the sufferer's bedclothes,
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quitted the cabin and sought his friend. Mister Thompson was at first incredulous,
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but his eyes glistened brightly at the sight of the half sovereign. Better
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hide it, he said, abriensot the skipper. I'll have it back when
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he gets well. It's the only coin we've got. He won't get well,
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said doctor Carson, easily, not till we get to Hong Kong.
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That is what's the matter with him, whispered the solicitor. The doctor,
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evading his eye, pulled a long face and shook his head. It may
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be the cooking, he said slowly. I'm not a good cook. I
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admit it might be something got into the food from the medicine chest. I
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shouldn't be at all surprised if the mates are taken back too. And indeed,
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at that very moment the boy came rushing to the galley again, bawling
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out that mister Mackenzie was lying flat on his stomach in his bunk, punching
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the air with his fists and rendering it with his language. The second officer
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appeared on Dick as he finished his tail and, glancing forward, called out
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loudly for the cook. You're wanted, Frank, said the solicitor. When
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he calls me, doctor Agat, said the other stiffly, Cook, bawled
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the second officer, Cook Cook. He came running forward, his face red
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and angry, and his fist doubled. D ye me calling you, he
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demanded fiercely. I've been promoted, said Carson Swilly. I'm the ship's surgeon.
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Now come down below, it wants, or I'll take you, dear
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by the scruff of your nick rated the other. You're not big enough,
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little man, said the doctor, smiling. Well, well, lead away
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and we'll see what we can do. He followed the speechless second officer below
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and found the boy's description of the first officer's state as moonlight unto sunlight,
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as water unto wine. Even the second officer was appalled at the spectacle and
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ventured a protest in me something it once, yelled, mister Mackenzie, do
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you wish me to undertake your case? Inquired the doctor. Suavely. Mister
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Mackenzie said that he did, and seven long, abusive and wicked sentences.
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My fee is half a guinea, said the doctor softly. Poor people who
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cannot afford more mates in the life, I sometimes treat for less, and
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I forced he the mate. You won't get any money out of may Very
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good, said the and rose to depart. Bring him back, Rogers yelped
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him, mate, don't let him go. But the second officer, with
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a strange, awesome look in his eyes, was leaning back in his seat,
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tightly gripping the edge of the table in both hands. Come, come,
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said the doctor, Carley. This you must be ill. Rogers want
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you to nurse these other two. The other rose slowly to his feet and
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eyed him with lackluster eyes. Tell the third officer to tight charge, he
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said, slowly. And if he's to they nursed as well. He's got
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it's hands full. The doctor sent the boy to apprise the third officer of
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his responsibilities, and then stood watching the extraordinary and snake like convulsions of mister
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Mackenzie. How what did ye say, hissed the latter. Poor people,
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repeated the doctor. With wallish five shillings a visit, very poor people.
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Half a crown out of half a crown's worth, moaned the miserable mate.
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Mister Mackenzie said. A faint voice from the skipper's cabin, Sir, yelled
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the mate, who was in dormant do answer me. I get sir.
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The skipper said, sharply. Will you please to remember that I'm ill.
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It can't bear the horrible noise you're making. I'm your too, asked the
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mate. El wn't it, said the skipper severely. We get both beal
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o about this ship. There was no reply, but from the other cabin
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the voice of mister Rogers was heard, calling wildly for medical aid and offering
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impossible sums. In exchange for it. The doctor went from cabin to cabin
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and first color dick his fees, administer sundry potions to the sufferers, and
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then, in his capacity of cook, went forward and made an unsavory mess
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he called cruel, which he insisted upon their eating. Thanks to his skill,
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the invalids were freed from the more violent of their pains. But this
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freedom was followed by a weakness so alarming that they could hardly raise their heads
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from their pillows, a state of things which excited the intense envy of the
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third officer, who, owing to his responsibilities, might just as well have
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been without one. In this state of weakness, and with the fear of
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impending dissolution before his eyes, the skipper sent for mister Harry Thompson, and,
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after some comparisons between lawyers and sharks, in which stress was laid upon
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certain redeeming features of the latter, paid a guinea and made his will his
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example save in the amount of the fie was followed by the mate. But
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mister Rogers, being approtentatively by the doctor in his friend's behalf, shook his
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head and thanked his stars. He had nothing to leave. He had enjoyed
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his money, he said. They mended slowly as they approached Hong Kong,
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though a fit of temper on mister mackenzie's part, during which he threw out
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ominous hints about having his money back, led to a regredible relapse in his
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case. He was still in bed when they came to anchor in the harbor,
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but the skipper and his second officer were able to go above and exchange
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congratulations from adjoining deck chairs. You are sure it wasn't cholera, asked the
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harbor master's deputy, who had boarded them in his launch after he had heard
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the story. Positive, said Carson. Very fortunate, think they had you
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on board, said the deputy. Very fortunate. The doctor bowed. Seems
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so all the three of them having been down with it, said the other.
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Looks as though it's infectious, doesn't it. I don't think so,
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said the doctor, accepting with alacrity, and offered to go ashore in the
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launch and change into some decent clothes. I think I know what it was.
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The captain of the stella pricked up his ears, and the second officer
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leaned forward with parted lips. Carson accompanied by the deputy and the solicitor walked
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toward the launch. Why sit, cried the skipper anxiously. I think that
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you is something that disagreed with you, replied the doctor, grinning meaningfully,
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goodbye, Captain. The master of the stella made no reply, but rising
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feebly, tottered to the side and shook his fists at the launch as it
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headed for the shore. Doctor Carson, who had had a pious upbringing,
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kissed his hand in returned end a session. Te