Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Oprah Couldn’t Help Her Comedians on Celebrities 🤣🤣🤣 | 🚨New Podcast, click the link in description to listen

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Oprah Couldn’t Help Her Comedians on Celebrities 🤣🤣🤣 | 🚨New Podcast, click the link in description to listen · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm ready to open up a black coffee shop.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: So I went in Starbucks the other day and I don't know what the name of those coffees is, like a maka taka flaco and all that.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: So I'ma open up a black coffee shop and I'm the name of coffees at the stuff black people can identify with.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just gonna call it black bucks.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: Forget it.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: Hey brother, welcome to Black Bucks.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Can we take your order?
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, uh let me get a Don Cheeto, uh two Wesley Snipes, four Acons, and uh uh let me get a little Richard.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: No sugar in my little Richard, it should be sweet enough.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: What size would you like?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: Make that a Whitney Houston.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: We all out.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: All right, just make it a precious.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_04: Hey, uh, hey, where are we on Obama?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_04: We like him?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_04: You vote for him, brother?
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_04: You voted for him?
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_04: Brother, you vote for him?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_04: Every brother I know voted for him.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_04: Did brothers even need to punch the battle or you just walk in and be like, alright, put me down for my map?
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_04: Bitch, you know what the f this is.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_04: Alright.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_04: I like the dude.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_04: I voted for him, but I voted for him, but in some ways he's like America's a rebound boyfriend.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_04: You know what I mean?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_04: Like, we just want to be able to call George Bush and be like, yeah, we're someone else, not George.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_04: And get this, he listens to us, and he doesn't just attack people for no reason.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_04: And oh yeah, did I mention he's black?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_04: Click.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_04: You know, the other thing is he gets blamed for a lot of stuff, but I feel like 70% of the stuff he gets blamed for is Bush's fault.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_18: Yeah.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_04: It's sad because it's just another case of a brother being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_04: Getting accused of some stuff he didn't do.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_04: America's like, freeze, put your hands against the White Ox.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_04: Like it was George Bush and Dick Cheney.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_04: They just f left.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_04: And they they sometimes say I followed the administration pretty closely, and they say, like, you know, he's too insulated against his critics.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_04: Uh and then, but he so he relies on Sasha and Malia and Michelle to keep them humble.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_04: But you that might keep him humble, but you know what would keep him really humble?
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_04: Is if Sasha and Malia were white.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_04: Because they're like 12 and 14, they're sweet girls, but if they were white, there's no one meaner on earth than 12 and 14-year-old white girls.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_04: They're like the meanest little bitches on the planet.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_04: Because now he comes home and he's like, Sasha Malia, study hard, get no good school.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_04: And they're like, Yes, yes, Daddy, we love you.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_04: But if they were white, he'd come home and be like, Sasha Malia, study hard, get no good college.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_04: He'd be like, for what?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_04: You ruined the economy.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_04: There's not gonna be jobs we get out, you jackass.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_04: We're going to Cancun.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_04: Hopefully, you won't wreck America while we're gone, dumbass.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, look, Sasha, it's daddy's birth certificate.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_04: Psych, you don't have one, foreigner.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_14: Natalie Portman should not be the next female thor.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_14: She's five, three, 118 pounds.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_14: I pooped Natalie Portman out on a green smoothie day.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_14: You know how frustrated it is?
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_14: Like, I'm a strong black woman, but I can't be a hero.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_14: Like, come on, in a real-world scenario, if any of you were trapped by a villain, then it was like, you got two people that can come save you.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_14: Natalie Pee-wee Portman.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_14: Or Chloe Thunderth's Hilliard.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_08: You'd be like, I don't really fuck with Oprah.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_08: Yeah.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_08: I think she's evil.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_08: She's definitely murdered before.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_08: Um, that being said, my last job uh shared a building with her, and one day I was in the elevator with this monster.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_08: And I'm just hanging out, minding my own business, and uh she comes on with her gaggle of murderers, and she looks at me, she smells my fear like a shark does blood in the water.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_08: She says, Hey you! You like Frank Sinatra?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_08: And I was like, I like Frank Sinatra, but I don't, I just didn't want to get murdered.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_08: And um a couple weeks went by, um, I was in uh lift minding my own business, trying to shake off a vague sadness, and um and uh the lift driver just so happened to be playing Frank Sinatra.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_08: And uh turns out I really love Frank Sinatra, and that's what Oprah does for your life.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_08: You think you know yourself?
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_08: You don't know yourself.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_08: Oprah knows yourself.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_08: I thought I hated Oprah, it turns out I just hate myself.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_08: I'm president of the book club now.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_11: When I was a kid, um I like to mimic commercials a lot, and there's this great commercial out right now where um it's for makeup and it's Melanie Griffiths, she's getting all mad.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_11: She's like, she's like, don't deny your age.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_11: Defy it.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_11: She's like taking on the beauty business from the inside.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_11: You go working girl.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_11: I want I wanna do one.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_16: I'd be I'd be like, I'd be like my old lip color could barely keep up with my busy schedule.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_16: Oh, and the time it takes to notice the wide discrepancy between my salary and that of my male peers that have to reapply.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_16: Oh, oh, and the seconds to count the number of women in high political offices seated on corporate executive boards and featured in film and television over the age of 40, my lip color would be as invisible as this glass ceiling only inches above my head.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_16: Yeah.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_16: Hey.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_16: Hey, because I am worth it, and because holding myself to an impossible standard of beauty keeps me from starting a riot.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_11: I uh I love TV.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_11: My favorite show, I don't know if you guys have seen this, um, E Celebrity Homes.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_11: With Suzanne Senna.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_11: That's a great show.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_11: They have uh they'll have a they'll have like some TV celebrity like Meredith Baxter Bernie walking around her castle.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_11: Her stands, she stands stuff like uh um this is this is the kitchen.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_15: This this is where my heart is.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_15: Um my husband and I we decided to move to Malibu because we just love the fresh air and the ocean and and to walk out on our own private beach was was really important to us.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_15: But uh let's go take a look at the view.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_13: The highlight of this spotty film career was when I got a call saying I had been cast in a three-line part in the movie There Will Be Blood opposite Daniel Day-Lewis.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_13: Sure.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_13: Absolutely.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_13: Everyone loves shoes.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_13: I have matured sufficiently in the intervening years that I am more excited than terrified to do this.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_13: A little bit terrified.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_13: Mostly excited.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_13: So I get there and I meet everybody and get wardrobe and all this stuff.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_13: It's very exciting, you know.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_13: Um, and so I get to the set, and there's Danielay Lewis, and he's sitting in a chair.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_13: Now I had heard that he was a little bit intense, right?
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_13: But he's not really.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_13: He's really the most intense person that has ever lived on earth.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_13: All he is doing is sitting in a chair, and I am terrified of him.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_13: It is like a jungle cat has wandered onto the tail, like, whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, what do you do?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_13: Uh are you supposed to move around a lot or stay perfectly still?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_13: What are the rules of Daniel Day Lewis?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_13: So, I have my three lines, right?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_13: And uh here's the scene.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_13: There is a meeting taking place, the meeting does not go well, and Daniel Day Lewis storms out of the meeting, and my character is supposed to chase him down and get him to stay at the meeting.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_13: Spoiler alert, he does not stay at the meeting.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_13: You've had time to see it.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_13: So we begin the scene, cameras are rolling, uh, Daniel Day Lewis storms out, I run after him, please stay at the meeting, please stay at the meeting, please stay at the meeting.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_13: The scene ends with Daniel Day Lewis wheeling around and yelling right in my face.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_13: But it is finally okay.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_13: I am filled with giddiness as he does it because inside I am thinking, I'm not even supposed to be here.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_13: I drink your milkshake.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_13: So, do a few more takes.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_13: With each successive take, my co-star, Mr.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_13: Day Lewis.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_13: Perhaps seized by the spirit of thespis himself.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_13: He begins cutting me off quicker and quicker and quicker.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_13: So my three sentences end up being like one in some.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_13: So when the movie is coming out, I'm thinking, I don't know if I'm gonna be in this one so much.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_13: But the scene unfolds.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_13: Oh, there I am.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_13: Yes, that is me.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_13: Over Daniel Day-Lewis' right shoulder, that out-of-focus blob of colors is Paul F.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_13: Tompkins.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_13: The scene continues.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_13: Now we're talking.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_13: There I am, razor sharp, crystal clear focus, the back of my head chasing Daniel Day-Lewis down the street.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_13: That is the extent of my role in There Will Be Blood.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_13: My friend starts seeing the movie and I start getting these messages.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_13: People calling me up saying, hey man, I just saw you in There Will Be Blood.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_13: Awesome job.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_13: You should be proud of yourself.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_13: I get like six of these messages, and I start to think, are these people making fun of me?
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_13: I know how little I am in that movie.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_13: It's not like I'm delusional, right?
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_13: It's not like if you asked me, hey, what's there will be blood about?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_13: I would say, oh, it's the story of a guy trying to keep a meeting on track.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_13: Yeah.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_13: Twartha rental.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_13: Daniel Day Lewis rounds out the cast.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_03: It was nut.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_03: And you know the moment was over.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_03: I think like nothing, nothing's gonna beat this, nothing's gonna beat Travolta's eyes.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_03: I was wrong.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, because this is all real.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_03: Again, I don't lie up here.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_03: There's no point to lie.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_03: I just tell you what happened in my life.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_03: Dude Letterman, meet Travolta, I go outside, okay?
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_03: Who's standing out there with no shirt on and filot velore sweatpants?
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_03: Tracy Morgan.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_03: He's just standing out there.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_03: I swear to God, there's people as witnesses.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_03: He's just standing there with filar valore sweatpants, no shirt on.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_03: I was with a girl, I was with, you know, my girl at the time, and um, she goes, Oh, Tracy, Chris, he just did Letterman.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_03: He's never met me.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, Oh, for real?
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_03: Take a walk with me.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_03: So now I'm walking down the block.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_03: I'm walking down the block with Tracy Morgan.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_03: I mean his sweaty, shirtless uh armpit.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, yo, number one, your girl look mag over her toes painted like Skittles.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_03: I like that, yo.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_03: Yo, takes the rain from them feet, son.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_03: White bitches' feet are crazy.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_03: I love her feet.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_03: All real.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna study exactly the word for it.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, yo, I just sold out Australia.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, what?
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, I just sold out the whole mother country of Australia.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, actually, Tracy, that's a continent.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_03: He was like, even better! Selling out continents, yo.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, yo, so how you felt about tonight?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_03: He's holding back tears.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_03: I swear to God.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_03: How you felt?
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, I felt good, you know.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_03: My my girlfriend said John Tivolto was laughing at me.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, I don't give a f about Javolta.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_03: Then, okay, he takes his hand, he takes his hand, puts it in my butt, goes bus past, and then gets on a public bus.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_03: Not lying, Neil.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_03: Not lying, Neil.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_03: And I just stood there as my ass cheeks jiggled and wondered, is that what my ass is worth?
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_03: 250?
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_03: Really?
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_03: You couldn't get like a first-class ticket, you know, in a trainer so you're gonna get on a public bus with no shirt on.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_03: I got it from the front and the back that night, Travolta on the lips, Tracy in the ass.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_03: It was good.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_03: Good night.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_06: Good night.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_06: There's gotta be something going on in England, man.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_06: There's gotta be some racism over there, man.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_06: They ran off Meghan Markle.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_06: You know how jacked up your country got to be to not fuck with Meghan Markle?
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_06: You don't fuck with Meghan Markle.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_06: Meghan Markle can pass for eight, nine different races in America.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_06: But in England, they was like, no, something's off with that good.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_06: Too many Nigglers and her nabloas, if you want to do.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_06: Come on.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_06: England was so racist to Meghan Markle, she came back to America and stayed at Tyler Perry's house.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_06: Do you understand how frustrated you have to be with the racism?
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_06: A pain that only Medea could fix.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_06: Then she talked to Oprah.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_06: She was dealing with so much racism.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_06: She had to talk to two of the most powerful black women in the country.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_06: Oprah, Oprah was interviewing Megan Marco.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_06: Oprah didn't have no solutions for that woman.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_06: That's how complicated racism is in England.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_06: Oprah couldn't help her.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_06: Oprah, Oprah, this is a woman who has built her empire on giving us solutions to our problems.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_06: That's all Oprah's done.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_06: She had the nigga talk show.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_06: She had the damn magazine.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_06: She's got a TV network.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_06: It's all promoting positive imagery to make you a better you.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_06: Megan Markle sat down in that backyard with Oprah for Oprah for two hours.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_06: All she did was make faces.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_06: Couldn't help Megan.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_06: Meghan Markle bore her heart out to Oprah.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_06: Oprah was just sitting there like.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_09: But when I started doing stand-up, I was like, I don't really know what I'm doing.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_09: I'm gonna I'm gonna talk to Tracy about it.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_09: I was gonna ask Tracy what what do you have any tips for me?
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_09: Because I'm just starting.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_09: Do you have any tips?
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_09: And he was like, yeah, man, talk about penises, man.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_09: I was like, what?
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_09: He's like, yeah, man, talk about penises.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_09: Dudes love that, man.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_09: Talk about penises.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_09: Man, I'll tell you a story, man.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_09: One time I had broken into this Asia girls' dorm room at Rutgers University.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_09: And I fell asleep, and they woke me up and they said, Tracy, you're supposed to be on in five minutes, and I didn't have no material.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_09: So I just said for 45 minutes.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_09: I talked about penises for 45 minutes.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_09: Do that, do that, man.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_09: So I did that, you know, I didn't know anything.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_09: I was like, okay, I'm Tracy Murray.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_09: I'm gonna listen to him.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_09: So I did that.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_09: I talked about penises and people loved it.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_09: It was good, it went well.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_09: And then like afterwards, the dude was like, hey, hey, Chris wants to talk to you.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_09: I was like, who?
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_09: He was like, Chris Rock wants to talk to you.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_09: I was like, what?
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_09: Chris Rock?
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_09: I love Chris Rock.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_09: Chris Rock was like Chris Rock's my idol, right?
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_09: So I'm like, yeah, so I go up to him, I'm like, oh yeah, I'm excited.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_09: What you think?
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_09: He was like, what the hell was that?
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_09: I was like, I I don't know.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_09: He's like, because it looked like you went on stage and said d for 45 minutes.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_09: And he ripped into me, man.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_09: He ripped into me, and that broke my heart because I love Chris Rock.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_09: I used to do his bits all the time.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_09: He has a famous bit uh bit called uh, you know, N-word versus, you know, black people, and I love that bit, but I wasn't allowed to say the N-word in the house.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_09: I wasn't allowed, my parents wouldn't let me say the N-word, so I I I just did black people versus vampires instead.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_09: I was up there, you know, telling Joe's, I was like, there's two camps, two camps going on.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_09: There's black people and vampires.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_09: The vampires got to go.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_09: Every time black people wanna have a good time, ignorant ass vampires gotta ruin it for everybody.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_09: Can you keep a blood bank open?
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_09: Brandon open, Randall.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_09: You wanna know the worst thing about vampires?
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_09: The worst thing about vampires.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_09: Vampires can't be in the sun, boy.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_09: You can't have no vampire friend and then take them to the beach.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_09: I got pretty good at it.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_09: I got pretty good at it.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_09: You know, I didn't, yeah, I just I didn't say the N-word.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_09: I didn't say I wasn't allowed, I didn't start saying until like 11th grade, right?
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_09: That's when I just started deciding to say the N-word, and by then you you you miss your N-word motor skills.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_09: You can't say it right.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_09: Like it would say I would walk down the hall and people like, hey, what's up, man?
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_09: I'm like, hey, what's up?
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_09: They'd be like, ah, ah, I know you're black, but mmm.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_09: Ah, it's that hard R, man.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_09: You know?
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_09: Some people, some people can't say the N-word.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_09: Some black people cannot say it.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_09: It's true.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_09: Can you imagine Seal saying the N-word?
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_09: No, right?
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_09: You can't have Seal at the at the Grammy talking about everywhere.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_09: No.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_09: You can't have that.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_09: You can't have like Obama up there just talking and judges like giving a press conference or something like that and just have it turn into Deaf Comedy Jam or something.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_09: He's like, as we stand here today, there are still some Americans who don't believe I have their best interests at heart.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_09: And I'd like to put those fears to rest today.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_09: But before I do that, I'd like to talk about how d be tripping.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_09: Because they do.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_09: They be tripping.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_09: Especially when bitches be around.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_09: Because bitches be wanting to go to the cheesecake factory.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_09: And they be getting their cheesecake with blueberries, strawberries, and caramels.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_09: And I'd be like, bitch, that is expensive.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_07: And like I said, I'm 30 now, so I'm I'm dating.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_07: I'm trying to figure it out.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_07: You gotta figure it out in your 30s that's what they say.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_07: And I think I'm a good person today.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_07: Like I don't judge women, you know.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_07: Like I own a company, she doesn't have to.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_07: And I don't care about your past neither.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_07: A lot of times women think guys care.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_07: I don't.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_07: I was on a date once, girl told me that before me she used to date former New York Giants all-star wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_07: And then she was like, but I hope that doesn't change anything for you.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_07: And I was like, I'm cool.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_07: But if you used to date a professional athlete before dating me, a lot of shit is gonna change for you.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_07: Things are gonna be different now.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_07: I guess you thought that would make me insecure, but I'm not delusional.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_07: I know where I stand, okay?
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_07: I'm not at the point in my career where stuff like that makes me insecure.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_07: I do shows in basements for 15 people every night of the week.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_07: That's where I'm at in my career.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_07: I don't need your pity clap.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_07: I'm at the point in my career.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_07: If me and professional athletes are dating the same type of women, that then becomes a highlight of my career.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_07: I don't know if I got up by stormed off.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_07: She thought I was upset.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_07: I wanted to update my Wikipedia page.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_07: It's like, hold on, babe, my fans need to hear about this, because me and Odell are like the same person, basically.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_17: A lot of people don't know this about me, but before I started doing comedy, I was I went to school for music production, and I really wanted to like make music, but and then I started to do comedy, and then I was like, this is easier because I don't have to be like as vulnerable.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_17: But uh recently I reached out to some people in my program, uh that some of the like alumni from the program who I still talk to kind of, and they like pulled some strings, and I wrote and composed a song and I pitched it to do a leafa and like her team.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_17: Thank you.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_17: Uh and it was like insane, and her team said no.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_17: And which is like fine.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_17: It was like it was really crazy to like do something that like really freaked me out.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_17: So what I want to do tonight is um I I wanted to sing us this song, and it's an earnest song, and I was like, I'll just take a big swing, and if I'm not, if it's not good, then I just like won't do it again, and I can be like, that's something crazy that I did.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_17: Uh does that make sense?
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_17: I'm sorry, I'm I'm so nervous.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_17: Um, okay, so just thank you.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_17: Thank you.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_17: Um you can uh go ahead and play the track.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_17: Okay.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_17: Thank you.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_17: Um there won't be a lot of choreography in this because I have asthma.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_18: But I know that we just met, but it feels like I trust you more than anyone else in my life.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_18: We don't know each other well, but it feels like we do.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_18: I met you an hour ago, but I would do anything for you.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_18: Like I would kill myself if you ask me to.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_18: I would kill myself if you ask me to.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_18: If you killed yourself, I would kill myself too.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_18: I know things are moving fast.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_18: Like I said, we met an hour ago.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_18: Uh oh, and you served me a sandwich, but I am in love with you because you are taller than me.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_18: And that's all it really takes for me to shoot myself for you.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_18: I will kill myself if you ask me to.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_18: I will kill myself if you ask me to.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_18: If I killed myself, would you kill yourself too?
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_18: Please confirm, please confirm.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_18: Please confirm as soon as I kill myself, you kill yourself right after or shortly after.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_18: Please confirm, please confirm, please confirm, please confirm.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_18: I would do anything for you because you are doing just other than me.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_18: And your job requires you to speak to me.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_17: I would do absolutely anything for you.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_17: Okay, so do leap as English.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_17: I would do crazy things for you.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_18: I would kill a bird, I would kill a dog.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_18: I would kill a kid if you ask me to.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_18: I would fuck a bird, I would fuck a dog.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_18: I would fuck a kid when he grows up for you.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_18: I would kill myself, I would kill myself for you.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_18: I would fuck the shit out of a little tiny kid as soon as he grows up for you.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_17: Thank you.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_17: Um that again is very scary to do something in earnest.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_17: Uh you know, Dua Lipa's team again, uh, I never actually spoke to Dua Lipa.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_17: Her team uh, you know, replied to me via email.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_17: The uh subject line of the email said no, period, pedophile song, and then um the body of the email was blank.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's not easy to be married.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: People don't even do it anymore.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's like making your own butt or some shit, you know?
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's like Prince Harry just made his wife a princess, and she's like, that's not good enough.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, I want to go to Canada.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, what the fuck?
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: He's cool with it now, but at some point he's gonna use it against during a fight.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe five years, maybe ten years.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, he's gonna be like, remember, I was a fucking prince in England and now I'm an Uber driver in Canada.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_10: You gotta have dreams.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_10: That's why I hate celebrity kids.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_10: Because celebrity kids have already accomplished your dreams just by being born.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_10: Right?
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_10: Like blue ivy Carter.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_10: Fuck blue ivy Carter.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_10: She's already met Jay-Z.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_10: And she sucked on Beyonce's titties.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_10: Those are my dreams! Those are my dreams.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_12: I don't mean to complain about censorship at all, though, because as you probably have seen by now, you can basically say whatever you want on television.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_12: It's ridiculous.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_12: You can say anything you want.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_12: And if you don't believe me, you should watch a little program called Law and Order Special Victims Unit.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_12: Yeah.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_12: A show that I love, because on that show you can say the grossest things you've ever heard in your life.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_12: No, you can't say like the F-word.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_12: You can't say that on Special Victims Unit.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_12: But people walk around on SVU going like, looks like the victim had anal contusions.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_12: You know, looks like we found semen and fecal matter in the victim's ear canal.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_12: Those are two real things that I heard on Law and Order SVU at three in the afternoon.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_12: Both spoken by Ice T.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_12: Ice T is a detective with the special victims unit.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_12: He handles New York's most sensitive cases.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_12: I love Ice T on SVU.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_12: He is fantastic.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_12: He's awesome.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_12: What's so great about him is that he's been with the SVU for like 11 years now.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_12: But he still treats every case like it's his first in terms of total confusion.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_12: Sometimes they'll be in the middle of an investigation, and Ice T will be like, yo, you telling me this dude gets off on little girls with pigtails?
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_12: It's like, yeah, Ice.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_12: He's a pedophile.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_12: You work in the sex crimes division.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_12: You're gonna have to get used to that.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_12: You know how they try and tie in like current events to every episode of SVU?
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_12: So there's there was this episode I saw a while ago that was about sex addiction, because a lot of celebrities have come out as sex addicts.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_12: So the episode's about sex addiction.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_12: There is a scene in the episode where the other detectives are trying to teach Ice T what sex addiction is, and it takes a couple of minutes.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_12: And finally, Ice T gets it, and they cut to him in this close-up and he goes, Oh, I get it.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_12: You mean like when someone drinks too much or snorts cocaine or bets the house on the ponies?
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_12: I was like, Yeah, you got it, man.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_12: And I was psyched that Ice T understood, so that they could continue with the investigation.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_12: But I could have watched another four hours of iced tea just naming examples, just that close up.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_12: And iced tea like, or like when someone smokes too many cigarettes, or like when someone shops too much with credit cards, or like when someone plays too many scratchy lotteries, or like when someone eats too much chocolate cake, or like when someone eats too much chocolate cake and then barfs it up, and he would just keep talking and it would slowly fade out and say executive producer Dick Wolf.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_12: That'd be my ideal episode.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_12: That'd be a good one.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_05: I was in Newark, New Jersey yesterday, and I met uh I met a rapper named Walker Flock of Flame.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_05: You know Walker Flocka Flam.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_05: No, you know this.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_05: I don't cuss.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_05: I'm one of the clean comedians.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_05: I don't cuss I'm old school and I did it on television.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_05: That's all I studied for television.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_05: I had to do it clean, so I don't cuss, but I want to cuss.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_05: I want to cuss so badly, so I just want to cuss so badly.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_05: So you haven't, I just want to cuss and when I met Walker Flock of Flame, I said, you know, Wakaflocker.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_05: Walker flocker, it ain't cussing, but it's it's close, eh?
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_05: Wakaflocker.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_05: I was at the church Sunday, the preacher walked up in the pulpit.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_05: I said, Look at this walker.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_05: He's gonna be up there for thirty-five walker flocking minutes.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_05: Look at that.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_05: So I was in Miami yesterday.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_05: I was in Miami yesterday.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_05: To get breakfast, I have an egg and sausage like muffin meal.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_05: And the cashier asked me, sir, what would you like to drink?
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_05: I said, orange juice.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_05: She says, I'm sorry, sir, we are we're out of orange juice.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_05: I said, excuse me?
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_05: She said, sir, we're out of orange juice.
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_05: In Florida?
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_05: How the hell are you gonna be out of orange juice in Florida?
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_05: And I'm looking through the back window, I see ten bucka flucking trees.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_05: Somebody picked one of those buckle fluckers, squeeze it, and make me some buckle fucking oranges up in this rock of documents.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_01: Michael Jackson died, that was sad.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like I was watching his funeral on TV, and my son, he was seven at the time, so he ain't too familiar with Michael Jackson.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so they had a picture of Michael Jackson on the screen, and my son came in and he was like, Daddy, who's that?
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Michael Jackson.
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_01: Then they showed another picture of Mike, and my son was like, Daddy, who's that?
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Michael Jackson.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_01: Then they showed another picture of Mike, and my son was like, Daddy, who's that?
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Michael Jackson.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, You're kidding me.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, it is Mike.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know how you do that.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_01: Go to bed.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_01: I turned to Roseanne.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, Is this Michael Jackson too?