Latest / The Play Therapy Circle / Episode 37 - The Nervous System and the Play Room

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Episode 37 - The Nervous System and the Play Room · The Play Therapy Circle

0:00
Hi there and welcome to the Play Therapy Circle.
0:04
Before we begin, Please note this podcast is for
0:07
informational and educational purposes only.
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It does not provide therapeutic advice and listening does not
0:14
create a client therapist relationship.
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All views expressed are my own and any case example shared have
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been de identified to protect privacy.
0:24
If you're seeking personal support, please reach out to a
0:27
qualified mental health professional in your area.
0:33
Hi and welcome to an episode of the Play Therapy Circle.
0:38
I'm Kylie Ellison, a therapist, clinical supervisor and play
0:42
therapy trainer, and I'm so grateful you're here.
0:46
This podcast is a space for thoughtful, soulful
0:49
conversations about child centred therapy, play based work
0:53
and what it means to show up with presence and compassion,
0:57
both for our clients and for ourselves.
1:00
Whether you're a seasoned play therapist, a student just
1:03
starting out, or someone deeply passionate about working with
1:07
children, you belong here. Hey everyone, and welcome back
1:14
to the Play Therapy Circle podcast.
1:17
I'm your host, Kylie Ellison, and I am so glad you are here.
1:23
Hey everyone, happy Wednesday night, you guys.
1:27
I always feel like when I start these episodes, I take a second
1:32
to remember what day of the week it is because I'm here and I'm
1:36
recording. And I'm not going to lie to you
1:38
guys because I never do. I'm fully authentic in this
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space. As you guys know, it is 9:00 at
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night. It's 9:00 at night.
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And just for funsies, I've decided to do a topic on the
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nervous system in the playroom, which is very content heavy.
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So this is going to be a fun ride, you guys.
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This is going to be a journey. Welcome back to all of our
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listeners and to anyone new listening.
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Hello, welcome, welcome to the circle.
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How's your week been guys? Truly, how are we all doing?
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Like truly, this week has been a week, you guys.
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And I feel like I say that every week and I'm probably going to
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keep you guys on your toes that like one day I might actually be
2:20
like, Oh my God, it's been amazing this week.
2:23
Excuse me, I just, I just need that.
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But no, not this week. Excuse me.
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It is April Fool's Day here in Australia when I'm recording
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this at 9:00 on the 1st of April.
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So tomorrow is my daughter's birthday and then it's the
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weekend and it's Easter. So for any of you guys listening
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around the world, if you are celebrating Easter this weekend,
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I hope you have a wonderful, connected and safe and healthy
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weekend. We are definitely having some
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downtime and recharging because like, yeah.
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And I was only just saying to the team today, I was like, it's
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only April. But like, wow, so many things
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have happened already this year. So we're all having a break in
3:08
our team next week, which is really nice.
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But I have listened to our listeners and what you guys
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love, and I'm so grateful to everyone listening.
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We're now in 55, five countries, you guys.
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So you are part of an international circle community
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at this stage. Like it's wild and it's amazing
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and it's so great. So I'm very mindful that I want
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to connect not only in Australia because that's obviously where I
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am. I'm in Brisbane, in QLD in
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Australia, but I want to connect with all of you listening around
3:43
the world. And I have noticed certainly
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from our listener stats that you guys are loving the last couple
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of episodes, which is amazing. I'm so glad that it's, it's kind
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of reaching people and you're finding it useful.
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So I want to build on that and make sure that my content is
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helpful for you guys. You know that I had sort of a
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plan at the start of this year for my content.
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And then I, yeah, I changed because that's that's how I
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roll. And so this week, this week, I
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want to do and talk about the nervous system in the playroom
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because I think that this is something that will resonate for
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beginning play therapist and season play therapist as well as
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parents and caregivers listening as well.
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So I'm really excited to dive into this.
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I'm not going to lie. It is 9:00 at night though.
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So if I make this through, it'll be such a big win.
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OK. So bear with me because I also
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want to make sure that I get this information information
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right. So I do have lots of notes to
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keep me busy and keep me on track because that's what I need
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at this point in the week. So how do I want to start this
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conversation with you guys? Because you know that I
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absolutely love this podcast being about sharing information
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and connecting and authenticity and having a yarn.
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So how I want to start and I want to make sure that this
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isn't too content heavy because it definitely is something that
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you can read so much more about. This episode is really intended
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as always, to just begin the conversation and to begin those
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reflections. I definitely highly recommend
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you diving into textbooks and research in this space if you
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want to know a lot more. This is just going to be a taste
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of you guys just getting you thinking about because this is
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all about practise, right? And connecting with those that
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are passionate about child centre play therapy, because
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that's what our circle is all about.
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And also sharing this information far and wide,
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including internationally at this point.
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So I want to make sure that it's reaching as many people as we
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can with this topic. So this is definitely an
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overview and I encourage you to dive in further to the research
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if you're interested. So we really need to just kind
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of keep it at the basics for tonight.
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I want to talk a little bit about the different stages of
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the nervous system, different states, sorry.
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So I want to talk about 3 different states that the
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nervous system always lives in. And so I want to make sure that
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this is digestible. So hopefully it will make sense.
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We're going to hold hands and get through this together, you
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guys. But there is 3 different states
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that we know that occurs in the nervous system.
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And basically what we are doing and what state we're in
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essentially determines how we learn, how we feel, how we
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connect with others and how we do.
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So state one is known as the safe and social state.
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So this is our optimal state. This is what we want to be
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operating in. You guys, right now I am so
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tired. So I'm pretty sure I'm not, I'm
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not maybe in my optimal state, but I want you to have a think
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about in your daily life, just in maybe your day to day, where
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have you felt that you have felt safe and social and regulated?
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Because that's what we call that safe and social state, right?
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So children can learn and play and engage and connect when
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they're in that safe and social state, also known as the
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ventricle, Sorry, ventral vagal. I want to get that right.
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I want to make sure I said that, right.
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So what do we look for in the playroom to know that that is
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potentially where a child is presenting with when they
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commence their session? So we're looking at eye contact,
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open body language, playfulness, responsiveness, able to shift,
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able to focus. So we are obviously always
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aiming to do that, but that's not necessarily always the case
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for the kids that we connect with in the playroom.
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So what is the second state that we know about the nervous
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system? We can be in fight or flight.
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So this is our sympathetic activation.
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So the system detects a threat and you know, whether it's real
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or perceived and mobilises for action essentially.
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So our heart rate goes up, our muscles are activated, rational
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thinking goes offline. This is really important if we
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are noticing a child who presents with aggression,
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defiance, arguing, running away, explosive behaviour, crying.
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This is a child in fight or flight, potentially, most
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likely. They're certainly, potentially,
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if they are in that space of aggression, dysregulation,
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they're not in that safe and social and optimal space.
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They're most likely in that fight or flight.
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So to give you guys, I guess that insight we're noticing for
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that child that they're not choosing to be difficult.
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Their nervous system has taken over, they're in fight or
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flight, they are in that survival mode and they are using
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their primal means to do so, with that aggression running
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away. That's kind of what we see in
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terms of some of those behaviours.
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There's so many there. That's just a beginning list.
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So that is the second state. The third state is that freeze
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or shutdown, also known as the dorsal vehicle.
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So when final flight isn't possible or doesn't work for the
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child, the system then starts to shut down.
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So again, we're noticing that this is not a cognitive decision
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of a child. They're not making this decision
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and making an intention to behave in this way.
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This is the brain and the body taking over.
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So that can look like disassociation, withdrawal,
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going blank, becoming very still or very compliant.
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So in children, what this looks like is a quiet child who never
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wants to cause any problems or kind of raise any attention or
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draw any attention to themselves that they tend to zone out or
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look like they've checked out or they're not listening or just
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say, I don't know to everything. So this is often I have found in
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my career in working with children, not only in the
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playroom, but in the child protection space.
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I think this is something that is often missed.
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And so I'm when I'm noticing it in the playroom, I'm certainly
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having those conversations with parents and caregivers to say,
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hey, this is something I've started to notice in the
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playroom. I think it's something to keep
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an eye on at home as well. And, and to whether further
10:08
intervention and support is needed because it is certainly
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a, a coping mechanism of the brain when the, when the brain
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becomes so overwhelmed essentially and goes into kind
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of that shutdown mode. So we really want to support the
10:21
child so that the brain doesn't feel like it needs to go into
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that place in order to cope. So it's actually, I always say
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something that I say often to parents is the children that are
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aggressive, that kind of lash out, are having tantrums,
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meltdowns at home, very defiant. They're actually the kids,
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although that behaviour is certainly not ideal.
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They're certainly expressing their emotions.
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They're also trying to communicate to us that
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dysregulation, right and that nervous system taking over.
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That's actually, I see in some respects it's not necessarily a
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good thing, but it's an indicator that we can really
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kind of tap into and help respond to the the presentation
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where kids withdraw when they become just dissociative.
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They're actually the more concerning ones for me because
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they often tend to say in the school setting and go and fly
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under the radar because they're not that explosive behaviours.
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They're not drawing attention in the classroom.
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They're actually retreating and withdrawing, but seemingly
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potentially behaving as compliant.
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So we're absolutely educating ourselves, I guess, on some of
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these behaviours to become curious about that if we see it
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in the playrooms. So we are talking here and kind
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of summarising here, obviously those three different states.
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And we essentially want to, I guess, reflect on that idea that
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you can't reason with a child in state 2 or state 3.
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So if they're in fight or flight or they're freeze or shut down,
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you can't communicate with them verbally, you can't reason with
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them, you can't teach them, you can't reach them or connect with
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them, not until their nervous system comes back online and
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comes back into that safe and social space.
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So how do we do that? That it's regulation, It comes
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first always. So let's talk a little bit about
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it a little bit more and, and kind of connected with the
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playroom, I guess, because what we're talking about here is Poly
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vagal theory. So many of you have no doubt
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come across this theory in your studies or in professional
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development that you've done. So I'm not going to go into too
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much of the download because there's so much there, right, in
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terms of the theory and the research.
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But one I want to, I guess, simplify for the purposes of
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this broadcast tonight is just to talk about the theory and
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what it relates to. So it's this idea of the vagus
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nerve, which is the longest nerve in the body and is
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connected from the brain stem to the gut.
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Literally like side note, because I get distracted in this
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book house, right? I went to my tried a new
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chiropractor today. Like here you go, guys.
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Like the information you didn't ask for.
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And they were talking about, I found the most amazing
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chiropractor. So I'm so happy with her.
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But she was talking all about the brain, all about the vagus
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nerve, all about that fight or flight response and how it can
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impact in terms of your posture and your physical composition
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and how the body will communicate through pain that
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that the body is in distress and that it actually needs to move
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away from a threat. It's perceiving.
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It's in that fight or flight, it's perceiving a threat, and
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it's seeking for the person to move themselves away from that
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to be able to come back to that optimal regulation state.
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Wild for me because I've never had a chiropractor explain it to
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me like that. I was like, she is amazing.
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But it makes total sense. It makes so much sense.
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And So what we understand about that vagus nerve is that it is
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kind of like that primary highway of the nervous system,
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the automatic nervous system. So this, that system that we're
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talking about, this vagus nerve regulates our physiological
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state without conscious thought. So this is happening at an
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unconscious level. I've spoken a lot about that in
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terms of play therapy and how we know that in the playroom
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children are playing out, often unconsciously, their experiences
14:20
in their formative years. And so this is now starting to
14:23
pull this all together to give us even more evidence and
14:26
support for the work that we do in child centre play therapy in
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the playroom. So this particular theory
14:31
explains those three states as well and crucially how we move
14:34
in between them. So I want to talk about the
14:37
concept of neuroception, which again, you guys I'm sure have
14:40
heard before, but for anyone who hasn't heard about it before,
14:44
it's this idea of how the nervous system, so that
14:48
automatic nervous system, I was just talking about how it's
14:51
constantly scanning for safety or threat below the conscious
14:56
awareness. So it's constantly happening
14:59
without us even being aware of it.
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So a child doesn't decide to go into fight or flight, then
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nervous system detects a signal or potentially a threat and
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responds automatically. So what can those, I guess
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signals look like? A change in tone, a facial
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expression, a change in body posture, something shifting in
15:24
the environment. It doesn't have to be anything
15:26
significant because the body is constantly scanning regardless.
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And so when it picks up on that, that signal of a potential
15:33
threat, it responds automatically.
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It's not that it sends a signal to the cognitive part of the
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child's brain to say, OK, this is happening.
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You need to respond to it like this.
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It's all happening unconsciously and automatically.
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So This is why logical explanations don't help a
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dysregulated child. This is really important and
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especially for those of you working, say, in the education
15:57
space, where I know this can be really challenging, but also for
16:00
parents who are absolutely doing their best at the moment.
16:05
Like when I acknowledge the collective community
16:08
internationally that we are living in right now, we are all
16:12
dysregulated to some extent. It's a lot, it's a lot.
16:16
So give yourself that grace as a parent.
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If you're listening tonight and you're feeling like, Oh my God,
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I'm dysregulated, let my child. No, no, no.
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It's more that we are certainly wired in terms of our survival
16:30
to notice those threats and move away from them.
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So children cannot be reasoned with when they become
16:36
dysregulated, when they unconsciously register that
16:39
threat and respond automatically.
16:43
Sorry. The part of the brain that is
16:44
responsible for logical thinking is offline.
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It's offline, it's not working. So This is why the way we are
16:52
with children matters as much as what we do, because it's not
16:56
about the talking. And and we as child centre play
16:59
therapist know that already, right?
17:02
We know that that connection, that Co regulation, all of that
17:06
brain science that we talked about a couple of episodes ago
17:10
is so much at the core of what we do in child centre play
17:13
therapy. And it's so wonderful that we've
17:16
obviously had this framework for practise and this modality since
17:20
the 40s, but we have all this incredibly rich research to
17:24
align with everything that we do, which is amazing.
17:26
It helps support us empirically and gives us that evidence base.
17:30
So what are we talking about here when we are talking about
17:33
this concept of these different states of the nervous system?
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How the child has this neuroception, this theory or
17:41
concept of neuroception where they are constantly scanning
17:44
their environment and looking for those threats?
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What does the new, sorry, what does the nervous system need?
17:50
It needs Co regulation and not just for children.
17:53
Children I say I work with children of all ages.
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All of us right now need that sense of Co regulation to
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support our emotional well being.
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So the nervous system is a social organ.
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It is designed to be regulated by another nervous system.
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Let me say that again. The nervous system is a social
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organ. So it is designed to be
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regulated by another nervous system.
18:21
So kids need us. And we know that especially for
18:24
us as parents, we know that incredible connection and pool
18:27
we have to our children, especially when they're in
18:29
distress. But this is now some of the
18:31
science coming in as well, right?
18:33
So a regulated adult is the most powerful regulation tool
18:38
available to a child. If we're regulated as a parent
18:42
or as a play therapist, it's going to have a significantly
18:46
positive impact on the child if they are feeling that sense of
18:49
dysregulation. This is not a metaphor, it's
18:52
neurobiology. So this kind of helps when we
18:55
start to kind of back the science behind what we do in the
18:57
playroom, right? A calm, warm, attuned adult
19:03
literally helps a child's nervous system to return to that
19:07
social and safe state. One.
19:10
This is the neurological argument for why the therapists
19:15
own regulation is not optional, it's a mechanism for change.
19:20
So we always talk about, right, that being aware of our own
19:24
triggers, getting our own personal therapy, making sure
19:28
that we are able to be present, congruent, empathetic, all of
19:33
those things we talk about when we learn child centre play
19:36
therapy and when we start to practise in this way.
19:38
But this is another reason why it's so important, not just for
19:41
our own mental health and for our own well being, but it
19:44
actually is a tool for us to affect change in a child.
19:48
We can actually in real time make a significant difference if
19:52
we are able to regulate ourselves.
19:55
So all jokes aside, with obviously how the world is right
19:59
now and how I started this conversation, we are having a
20:03
break next week because we need to recharge as play therapist.
20:06
And so we are certainly valuing that at our practise, that
20:09
having those breaks, having those times to be able to
20:13
connect with family, connect with nature, just de stress is
20:18
an essential part of practise. It's an ethical part of practise
20:22
that we are making sure that we're looking after ourselves.
20:25
And so that we can show up as our most regulated self in the
20:29
playroom. So that kind of idea of parking
20:33
kind of our grocery list and our To Do List and you know, the
20:37
mountain of, you know, paperwork we've got to do so that we can
20:40
be present with a child is so much about that Co regulation
20:44
experience for the child that is going to have a significant
20:46
impact on their work. So how do we map this with CCPT
20:51
specifically? So the consistent environment
20:54
signals safety to that child's new reception.
20:57
So they're constantly looking for that threat or safety.
21:00
And so when they are able to consistently have that
21:03
experience in the playroom, we're able to help them to stay
21:06
in that state, one of safe and social so that they are in that
21:09
optimal space to play and learn. The therapist warm non anxious
21:14
presence helps Co regulate the child's nervous system, which is
21:18
just so fundamental. We know Maslow's hierarchy of
21:21
need. I'm always kind of connecting
21:22
with this as well when I'm talking to supervisees because
21:26
taking care of children's basic needs first then means they can
21:30
learn. So if they don't have that
21:31
emotional state in the beginning of that regulated presence,
21:36
they're not going to be able to take in any information.
21:38
And so we know that at the moment, especially for our
21:42
preppy kids. So I'm saying prep because I'm
21:43
in Queensland, but that first year of school for so many kids
21:48
starting the school year, so dysregulated, you guys so
21:52
dysregulated. So then we try and put learning
21:56
on top of that. And we're seeing this giant
21:59
influx in kids lasting till about lunchtime and then they're
22:03
needing to go home because they're so in that fight or
22:07
flight state, they can't come back.
22:09
They're not coming back to that safe and social to be able to
22:12
learn. So, so much of this is about
22:14
that Co regulation experience of the adults in their world as
22:16
well, Nandra, correctiveness removes the threat of demand or
22:21
failure. This is why we do what we do.
22:23
We're not going to impose that agenda or that structure or that
22:28
need to have a particular activity in mind that they need
22:31
to complete, which is the challenge.
22:33
Obviously, conversely to what I was just saying, in the
22:35
education space, it's it's an incredibly difficult and
22:39
challenging task for our current population of kids who have come
22:43
out of that COVID generation. So yeah, it is really
22:47
challenging for kids in that space if they're feeling that
22:50
sense of demand or potential failure.
22:52
But in the playroom, that's something very different that we
22:54
can offer. Empathetic tracking shows the
22:58
child their experience is seeing.
23:00
We know so much about the support that we offer to parents
23:06
in the beginning days of play therapy in just starting with
23:09
the basics is reflecting feelings because that helps in
23:14
that Co regulation space as well.
23:15
For kids, if they feel like their parent gets it in terms of
23:19
how they are feeling in that moment, it can help to
23:22
deescalate the child. But so much about what we do in
23:26
the playroom is helping to build that sense of safety through
23:29
that empathetic tracking as well.
23:31
So it helps them to feel safe and feel that sense of trust.
23:35
So what I want to do now is talk a little bit about what we see
23:40
in the playroom when children are in those different states
23:43
that I've been talking about tonight.
23:45
So you can get curious about that if you're noticing it
23:48
because so much about that then tells you what the child is
23:52
needing or what they're trying to communicate to us about their
23:54
world. And again, guys, that thinking
23:57
brain, that logical brain is completely offline if they are
24:00
in state 2 or state 3. So it's very important that we
24:04
are focusing on that Co regulation to help that support
24:07
them to be able to come back to that state 1.
24:10
So state one being that safe and social state that we're looking
24:13
for. I mentioned earlier, we've got a
24:16
presentation of a child who is engaging freely, they're making
24:20
eye contact, they're asking questions.
24:22
Maybe questions is one of those things though that can
24:25
potentially be an indicator of increasing anxiety.
24:27
So keeping that in mind. But if they're interacting with
24:30
us, it is in that reciprocal nature, that mutual connection.
24:35
They're able to tolerate limit setting and they're able to show
24:39
creativity and imagination. We know that they're in that
24:42
therapeutic window and you know those children that come in
24:46
ready to do their session and connect with us.
24:49
I've even had scenarios of children where I know that they
24:54
are potentially because so many kids that we work with right go
24:58
through that stage and especially the 2nd and the third
25:00
stage, the aggressive and the regressive in child centre play
25:02
therapy. And we know that very often in
25:05
that second stage, they can seem very stuck.
25:07
They can seem very repetitive in their play.
25:10
They can see very entrenched in some of these really difficult
25:14
and big emotions. And even just recently I had a
25:17
client who has has absolutely been in the trenches of of some
25:22
really big work in that second stage and came in for a
25:26
particular session a lot more regulated.
25:29
And that really threw me because I was really prepared and ready
25:34
to have lots of that space for offering safety, both in my
25:40
verbal tracking, but much more in my non verbal communication
25:43
of my facial expressions, my body posture, just my gentle
25:48
reflecting, my empathy that I wanted to communicate and that
25:53
authenticity to help this child to regulate enough so that they
25:57
can start to do their work. That's so much about the all of
25:59
the work that we do. And he came in or this client
26:03
came in much more regulated and it just really drew me because I
26:06
was like, oh, wait, we're actually might be in this first
26:09
date, which is great because we can get some really incredible
26:12
work tackled when we get that opportunity to do that.
26:16
And when I say that it's the child's agenda, right?
26:18
I'm not setting that agenda of what we're going to do.
26:20
And that's the best part about child centre play therapy
26:22
because they keep us on their on our toes about what that journey
26:26
of progress and progression in their therapeutic work looks
26:30
like. So it can sometimes feel like 2
26:32
steps forward, one step back. But that's the best part about
26:35
it. That's what I love about it.
26:36
So we can have children in that first date.
26:39
Absolutely. Probably more consistently,
26:42
though, to kind of bring the bad news.
26:46
But to many of you, I know you wouldn't know this already, we
26:49
generally have more kids in that state 2 or state 3 in that fight
26:52
or flight or that shutdown phrase.
26:54
So let's talk a little bit about what that looks like in the
26:56
playroom. If they're in that fight or
26:57
flight, it kind of goes without saying, you're going to have
27:00
probably a child that's dysregulated before they even
27:03
come into the playroom. So they're dysregulated.
27:06
And So what does that look like? They're testing limits.
27:09
They're highly aggressive. I am lean into my psychodynamic
27:13
lens here too a little bit. So I'm kind of crossing over
27:15
theories here. I'm sorry.
27:16
I apologise if I've confused anyone.
27:19
It's now 9:20 at night, so This is why I'm going in so many
27:22
different directions. But with psychodynamic
27:24
psychotherapy, we talk a lot about transference and
27:27
countertransference. And so I would describe it from
27:30
that lens as often feeling like it's almost like you're walking
27:33
on egg shells or you feel like it's quite tense in terms of
27:38
that unconscious kind of connection in the space where
27:42
you feel like you've got to be on alert.
27:44
You've got to kind of have those limits ready to go.
27:46
That's our final fly, guys. So it's lots of limit testing.
27:51
It's a nervous system kind of check in to say, is this space
27:55
actually safe and and leaning into because I'm going to
27:58
crossover with my theories now just for funsies.
28:00
So if we think about it from an attachment theory perspective as
28:03
well, we're also talking about a child who in their formative
28:07
years in the unconscious downloading of their programme
28:10
and their understanding of relationships with others.
28:13
If they've had maladaptive examples where there has been
28:16
that dysregulation, we're going to find the child playing that
28:21
out in the playroom with us because that's how they
28:23
understand relationships work. So not only are we unpacking and
28:28
rewiring those attachment examples and understandings,
28:32
we're also helping in that nervous system Co regulation
28:35
space. So there is so much and then
28:37
we're also reflecting feelings. So we're helping to support that
28:40
kind of emotional awareness as well.
28:42
So, so much is happening in the playroom at once.
28:45
It's it's incredible. So what I want to emphasise here
28:49
is I often find, especially in the beginning for beginning play
28:53
therapist, that aggressive stage, the second stage of play
28:56
where we see so much of that fight or flight can really test
29:00
beginning play therapist or even seasoned play therapist
29:02
sometimes. So it's really important again,
29:05
to be able to use some of these theories.
29:07
This really helps me in my practise to know this isn't
29:11
something personal. This is nothing to do with any,
29:15
I guess, kind of limits I've set or, you know, understanding of
29:20
how the room works or how the toys work.
29:24
It's not about that. It's about them coming in to
29:26
tell us about how they are doing and how they are feeling.
29:29
And them being in this final flight state tells us that
29:33
they're needing support with that emotional regulation at
29:35
this point, first and foremost. So our job as play therapist is
29:39
to stay regulated. That's the key, you guys, when
29:42
we're observing and connecting and helping to support a child
29:48
who is dysregulated and in that fight or flight, it's so
29:51
important that we stay regulated.
29:53
So being able to ground yourself, I think I've talked
29:56
about this before in my podcast. I have a fluffy rug in my room.
30:00
Oh no, I don't anymore. Oh my gosh, I've had a fluffy
30:02
rug for so many years and I now have a mellow mat, but it's like
30:07
1 from Kmart. It's amazing, you guys.
30:10
I absolutely love it. But I do find that I connect and
30:14
ground myself with whatever rug I've got in the room.
30:17
But at the moment, the mellow mat because that really does
30:20
help me to really bring myself back to that presence of the
30:24
space, to really notice how I'm feeling and help bringing myself
30:29
into that safe window so I can then be present for the child.
30:33
How do I also do that? So I'm going off on attention,
30:35
you guys, but I promise I'm going to get back to this
30:37
research and this theory. How am I doing that in the
30:41
playroom? And why am I doing that?
30:43
Because it's so much about being present with the child and
30:47
helping to put limits in and making sure that I'm not
30:51
replicating relationships outside of play therapy that
30:54
might be maladaptive. So I think that this can be a
30:57
fine line that we can walk as play therapist between wanting
31:01
to give that permissiveness to the child for them to be able to
31:04
tell their story in their way and their time.
31:07
But then there's also a need, and I see it as our
31:11
responsibility and ethical responsibility for us as play
31:13
therapists to make sure that the child is not pushing so far into
31:20
that second state of that fight or flight that we can't bring
31:24
them back. So there is that moment for me.
31:27
I usually have a sort of a bandwidth here.
31:32
You guys, it's too late at night to measure that exactly, but you
31:35
get my drift. I have a capacity with that
31:39
before I notice that I need to start putting in limits because
31:43
it starts to impact my congruence.
31:45
What is congruence? Also our state of optimal
31:48
arousal our, our safe, you know, kind of window of connection
31:51
with the child, right, Our own nervous system state.
31:55
So it's so important when we notice that we start to get
31:58
activated, which is also impacting our congruence and our
32:01
authenticity from a child centre play therapy perspective is when
32:04
we need to put limits in. So if you notice that if you are
32:07
having an experience at the moment in your playrooms, well
32:11
you've got a child that becomes very dysregulated who needs to I
32:17
guess express a lot of big feelings, but also say chaos and
32:21
destruction and playing that out in the playroom.
32:25
There is certainly a clinical rationale when we're looking at
32:29
this theory to say putting some of those limits in to help to to
32:35
support that child's nervous system to come back into that
32:39
safe window is actually really vital and important at this
32:42
point. So I plant that seed because
32:45
again, I'm Rajearing to my core. I don't like telling anyone what
32:47
to do when it comes to play therapy, but I want to I guess
32:52
offer that suggestion that it's so much about you staying
32:56
regulated as much as it is as it is the child.
32:59
And so as soon as you lose that or feel like that's being
33:02
impacted, we need to kind of bring ourselves back as well.
33:06
So what does that look like putting therapeutic limits in,
33:09
putting therapeutic limits in? Because that is those boundaries
33:12
and that safety that the child is craving through that fight or
33:16
flight response. They're feeling like they can't
33:19
find that safety and they're becoming that dysregulated fight
33:22
or flight self. So to give you guys, I guess
33:25
that rationale for early limits, early limits, you guys, or
33:29
talking about the third state where we've got that phrasal
33:31
shut down. So that's a child.
33:35
These are the ones that worry me more, you guys.
33:37
Like if you have a child like this in the playroom, it's so
33:39
important that we keep on, keep on top of it.
33:42
We're observing it, we're noticing it, we're connecting
33:45
with the child, we're helping to support them.
33:46
So sitting passively, minimal engagement in the playroom, they
33:51
might seem like they say very little or move very little.
33:56
They might seem like they take a lot of sessions before there's
34:00
any movement. So their nervous system is very
34:03
slowly trying to assess, I guess, that sense of safety in
34:07
the room. And so it seems very gradual and
34:10
kind of prolonged, I guess, in terms of their progression in
34:15
the stages of play. There's so many more ways than
34:18
that. I'm just kind of giving you guys
34:19
a really brief overview, but the idea is again, recognising we
34:23
believe as child centre play therapist to our core in the
34:27
process, trust the process, trust the child and trust us.
34:29
So regardless of this theory, we know that children will take
34:34
their time in their way, in their agenda to move to their
34:37
therapeutic goals. What this theory is saying is
34:40
it's so important that we don't try and push engagement because
34:44
if we're trying to do that, it's so much about being present to
34:48
kind of remove that demand and wait because they will come.
34:53
And I always say that all I usually say that when I'm
34:57
connecting with supervisees around this idea of making
35:01
meaning in child centre play therapy and that idea of that
35:04
children will wait for us to get it, to truly get it.
35:09
I guess around what they're trying to communicate is their
35:11
kind of core issue, the core challenge.
35:13
This is the same thing. We just need to give them time.
35:15
They'll get there, they'll get there.
35:17
They just need time. The every child comes with their
35:21
own experiences, their own background, I guess their own
35:25
triggers that have brought them to the state of either feeling
35:28
like they need to be in fight or flight to keep themselves safe
35:31
or the other, they need to withdraw and disassociate.
35:34
Either way. What is important to reflect on
35:38
as a play therapist and what I want to plan to see if you guys
35:40
have got like a couple of more of these to talk about in a
35:43
second, but to kind of bookend this, what is your nervous
35:48
system doing in the playroom as a play therapist?
35:52
I'm putting that out there for you guys to begin that
35:56
reflection for yourselves individually about how you show
35:59
up. And let's be really real you
36:02
guys and authentic here because I can't do it any other way.
36:05
There is going to be days where we're not truly present and
36:09
that's OK. We need to give ourselves that
36:11
grace, but we also need to be putting some of those systems in
36:14
place to take care of ourselves as well.
36:16
And look, I am definitely not a leader in this space when it
36:20
comes to self care and putting things in place.
36:25
I'm a work in, I'm a work in progress, you guys.
36:27
And if you feel like you're that too, we got this, we've got
36:30
this, we're work in progress. We're on that pre contemplation
36:34
part of the change theory cycle. I don't know, but it's very
36:39
important. All jokes aside, I take
36:42
obviously great pride in the therapeutic work I do in the
36:45
playroom. So I do make sure I only have
36:49
now it's one day a week of client work.
36:51
So I have that luxury of being able to dedicate that day to say
36:56
I'm going to work to truly be present with my clients because
37:00
I know that's what they need from an emotional regulation
37:02
point of view. So starting to put in small
37:05
breaks in your day, helping you to have that time off if you
37:08
need, helping you to kind of have those self care and
37:11
connection rituals outside, you know, on weekends and nights and
37:14
weekends, whatever. So much of that is important,
37:17
right, for us to be able to stay regulated ourselves in the
37:20
playroom. But what we know from this
37:23
theory is when a child is in that final flight state, your
37:27
system will want to match it, too.
37:29
We call that mirror neurons. We know that from the
37:32
neuroscience of the brain. So our brains, you know,
37:36
primitively are wired to match aggression with aggression.
37:39
That's just how it is. And so you may feel anxious,
37:43
irritated, frustrated, elevated. And so it's our ability to stay
37:49
in state one, to stay in that safe window of regulation during
37:53
a dysregulated session with a child.
37:55
That is genuine clinical skill. That is not an easy thing to do
38:01
and it requires your own regulation practise outside of
38:04
the room. So being able to decompress
38:07
afterwards, being able to get some fresh air, you know, take
38:11
us, take a break, grab a drink, so many, I'm not going to kind
38:16
of list a whole bunch of different ways to do that.
38:19
What works for you is going to work well for you, but making
38:22
sure that you're doing that to be able to be the best version
38:26
of yourself in the playroom. We know that.
38:29
Anyway, Virginia Axel Line in the 40s talked so much about us
38:33
having that genuineness and true interest in working with kids to
38:39
be able to do this work. So we really developed that
38:43
clinical skill over so much experience, so much time, so
38:46
much learning, and it's an ongoing process.
38:49
We're working progress you guys as play therapists.
38:52
So truly being aware of it and working on it and committing to
38:57
ongoing working on it is important to for us to be able
39:01
to do our job. So I want to talk to parents for
39:05
a second because I know that we often have parents that are
39:07
listening to our podcast as well.
39:09
And this might be a podcast that you might want to share with a
39:11
parent if you're working as a play therapist too, just to
39:14
explain a little bit about what happens in that nervous system
39:19
response to that threat of safety.
39:21
And why we see talking to children or even talking to
39:26
children after a meltdown or a tantrum is just a complete waste
39:30
of time really. Because they don't have that
39:33
cognitive logical brain online during the event.
39:37
They've probably started to kind of bring it back online
39:40
afterwards. But because it was offline
39:42
during the tantrum, they can't tell you anything about what
39:45
happened. They can't.
39:47
And if they do, they're probably making it up.
39:49
I'm just kidding. They potentially are, to be all
39:53
fairness, because they want to obviously navigate the situation
39:58
and be able to get a find a resolution with you as a parent.
40:02
So it's very important that we're not having those very
40:06
verbal, logical conversations with a child in the moment when
40:09
they're just regulated. Oh really?
40:11
Afterwards, to be fair. So what are we doing as parents?
40:15
We're noticing the state of our child.
40:18
We're noticing this. I, you guys know from listening
40:20
to the podcast, I have a she will be 14 tomorrow.
40:24
Oh good Lord. And I have a 12 turning 13 year
40:26
old. So I'm in the trenches of the
40:28
parenting of the teenage years and it's still not OK you guys.
40:31
I'll keep reporting back to let you know, but nevertheless, we
40:35
are noticing in children of all ages, whether they're littlies,
40:38
whether they're babies, toddlers, 2 year olds up to the
40:40
teen years, you guys, this all is relevant.
40:42
Notice the state before responding.
40:47
I talk about with teenagers like noticing the temperature in the
40:52
room, like truly because he can with teenagers.
40:55
The sass is real, the temperature is real, and so it
41:00
works for all ages. You guys, is your child in fight
41:03
or flight or phrase? If they are becoming
41:06
dysregulated and if they're really activated right now, tell
41:09
yourself that my child, their nervous system is activated to
41:13
give yourself that pause to then decide how you're going to
41:17
respond. Because what we're doing in that
41:19
moment is trying to use essentially that higher order
41:23
reasoning as us as adults to be able to respond effectively.
41:26
And we can't do that if we're matching that emotion and in
41:30
that emotional limbic system state.
41:32
So regulate yourself first. Look after yourself because you
41:36
need to because parenting is a marathon, not a Sprint.
41:39
You guys. You can't Co regulate A
41:42
dysregulated child from your own dysregulated state.
41:46
Let me say that again. You cannot Co regulate A
41:50
dysregulated child from your own dysregulated state.
41:55
You're welcome. So this is your permission as a
41:57
parent to take a beat before you respond, to take a minute to
42:02
kind of calm yourself, to bring yourself back down into that
42:05
safe and social space before you then tackle obviously supporting
42:11
your child. Take a breath.
42:13
Slow your voice, lower your body.
42:16
You are the nervous system intervention at this point.
42:21
It's so much about what you are doing non verbally as opposed to
42:25
anything you can say verbally to a child.
42:27
It is so much in that non verbal experience.
42:30
So connection. People say this all the time,
42:32
right? Connection before correction.
42:35
So get alongside your child before you address the
42:38
behaviour. The hand on the shoulder or
42:41
getting down on their level. I don't really like the hand on
42:43
the shoulder, let's be honest. Actually, I'm scrapping that.
42:46
Coming down and connecting with them within their space, helping
42:50
to support them when they are dysregulated.
42:53
Obviously following your safety and theirs.
42:56
So we don't want to put you in a position where that you might
43:00
have your child lash out at you or anything like that, but
43:02
coming into their space in a way that's safe and respectful and
43:06
connected, getting down on their level and reflecting and
43:11
validating their feelings, I can see you're really struggling
43:13
right now. You're having a really tough
43:15
time right now before doing anything else because what are
43:21
we trying to do? We're trying to help, to bring
43:24
them back down. We're helping.
43:26
And see even in the way that I just spoke that I started to go
43:30
slower. My tone changed.
43:33
That's what we're trying to do. We're trying to and even like as
43:37
I'm saying this in real time, I didn't practise this, you guys.
43:39
So this is so funny. I'm doing this, but by me doing
43:43
that, by me slowing down. My, one of my clinical
43:48
supervisors calls it the slow MO effect.
43:51
I think she calls it where you literally go into slow MO, which
43:56
is not supposed to be like patronising.
43:57
I actually really love it. It's this idea for especially us
44:00
neurodivergent folk who want our brain is going at 50 million
44:03
miles an hour to actually be reminded to slow down, Slow MO
44:10
mode. Let's call it that slow MO mode
44:13
means that, see, I even just took a breath in.
44:16
It means then you as the adult, as the parent have to stop too,
44:21
right? And so when we can slow down,
44:24
then we can help the child. So why does play therapy work?
44:29
The playroom is specifically designed to bring your child's
44:32
nervous system into state one, into that safe and social space
44:37
so they can learn and play in that state, which is why we're
44:41
trying to do it. They can focus, they can
44:44
process, they can integrate, and they can heal experiences that
44:48
have been too overwhelming for them with any other approach in
44:51
any other way. So it's not just playing you
44:54
guys. There is so much like every time
44:57
I find like this new theory or this new neuroscience, I'm just
45:00
so excited because we know that this is what happens in the
45:04
playroom. But to put some of that science
45:06
behind it is just so powerful as well to give, you know, that
45:09
credibility and that evidence base behind what we do in the
45:12
playroom as child centre play therapist.
45:13
So it's not just playing you guys.
45:15
It's the most neurologically sophisticated therapeutic
45:19
environment we have for children.
45:23
Say that five times faster, you guys.
45:25
So I want to summarise here what we've talked about because it's
45:28
now 45 minutes I've been talking, you guys.
45:32
I need to do all of the things. I'm not even organised.
45:35
I hope that this has been useful and helpful, truly.
45:38
And I want to summarise here what we've talked about, because
45:41
we've talked about the nervous system obviously, and we've
45:44
talked about this idea that regulation always, always,
45:49
always comes before anything else, before we do or say
45:53
anything else. Regulation comes first.
45:55
Co regulation is biological. Our nervous system is a social
46:01
organ that needs another to help Co regulate, right?
46:05
Your regulated presence is the most powerful tool you have as a
46:09
child centre play therapist and CCPT is built around the nervous
46:13
system. Isn't that incredible?
46:15
It's why it work. It's why it works every single
46:17
time because it's not just philosophical, it's bio
46:20
neurobiological. How cool's that?
46:23
Cool that? So for all of you listening for
46:25
our play therapist out there, I put this question to you this
46:28
week. In your sessions, notice which
46:30
state each of your child that you connect with in the playroom
46:34
arrives with. Do you notice them in that safe
46:37
and social space? Are they in that fight or flight
46:39
or are they in that freeze, shutdown and notice what you do
46:46
that helps to shift them and move them into state 1?
46:51
So what do you help to do in that space that makes you so
46:55
vital and important as a child centre play therapist?
46:58
And to our parents this week, when your child's behaviour is
47:01
hard, ask yourself which state are they in and what does my
47:06
nervous, excuse me, what does my nervous system need to do first?
47:13
There you go, you guys. Oh, anything.
47:16
So hey, thank you for listening tonight.
47:20
What a trip, what a ride. We got there, we got there, you
47:22
guys, we did it. We did all of the things.
47:26
Hey, I hope this was helpful and useful.
47:27
That's always my intention in connecting with each of you.
47:30
Thank you so much for listening as always.
47:33
I don't have a plan for next week's episode.
47:35
Oh no wait, so we will be offline next week.
47:39
So it will be a flashback episode for next week.
47:44
So enjoy a Flashback Friday episode and then we will be back
47:50
the week after. Back to our usual programming.
47:53
We would love to hear your feedback if this is an episode
47:56
that has resonated for you, please check out our socials and
47:59
we post every week letting you guys know about when the episode
48:03
drops. So we'd love your feedback if
48:06
you're finding it useful and helpful or if there's other
48:08
episodes that you'd like to hear from us as well, that would be
48:11
amazing. We love our circle community.
48:13
We ask so much about bringing our child centre play therapist
48:17
community together and celebrating child centre play
48:19
therapy and supporting each other.
48:21
So for all of you interested, please check out also our circle
48:26
subscription. We have a free community
48:29
subscription that you are so welcome to join to connect with
48:33
other child centre play therapist from around the world.
48:34
We would love to see you there as well.
48:37
So please check out the links in our episode description for more
48:40
details. But I would like to wish all of
48:43
you and incredibly safe and healthy and happy Easter break.
48:51
Here in Australia. We have a long weekend so I
48:54
can't wait to have some much needed recharge time and
48:59
connection with family. So please, please, please look
49:01
after yourselves and each other over this weekend.
49:05
Stay safe if you are travelling and please continue to follow us
49:10
on the socials, follow us on Spotify, Apple Podcast and
49:15
wherever you have found us and share our podcast with anyone
49:18
that you think might find this episode or series helpful for
49:22
them. I'm so grateful to each of you
49:24
and for your support. So, so grateful.
49:26
So thank you so much for listening.
49:28
I will catch you guys in two weeks time.
49:31
Bye for now. Bye.
49:35
Thank you so much for being here for another episode of The Play
49:39
Therapy Circle. If anything resonated with you
49:42
today, I'd love it if you could follow the podcast, share it
49:46
with a colleague, or leave a short review.
49:48
It really helps others find our circle.
49:50
And if you have a topic or question you'd love me to
49:53
explore, I'd love to hear from you.
49:56
This space is for you, and I want it to feel like a
49:59
conversation. Until next time, take care of
50:02
yourself and remember you belong here.