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207. The Things That Shut Down A Spouse Emotionally And Sexually... Our Poll Answers · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

0:00
Intro: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
0:07
Intro: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
0:16
Intro: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
0:24
Intro: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
0:41
Nick: It's the things that shut down a spouse emotionally and sexually.
0:45
Nick: It's our poll answers on the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast today with Nick and Amy.
0:53
Amy: Wonderful, wonderful.
0:55
Amy: Do you want me to jump in or do you have something to say?
0:58
Amy: Let's dive in, let's dive in.
1:00
Amy: Let's just get to it.
1:03
Amy: We're just going to dive right in.
1:05
Nick: We'll skip the foreplay in the episode and go right to it.
1:08
Amy: So Nick actually originally wanted to name this the things that shut down a husband emotionally and the things that shut down a wife sexually.
1:20
Nick: I did.
1:21
Amy: He did.
1:21
Amy: He likes to stick to that mindset that most husbands are like him, which is okay.
1:27
Amy: But we're hearing from a lot of women that they're the higher drive, which is really, really sad for them, because that's a whole other topic.
1:36
Amy: When a husband doesn't want to sexually, it kind of cuts off the emotional too.
1:40
Amy: So I feel really bad for that.
1:41
Amy: Yeah, so it's getting higher and there's a lot of things we're not going to get into that.
1:45
Amy: So we decided to just name it shut down a spouse emotionally and sexually, because it could go either way.
1:51
Nick: It could go either way.
1:53
Amy: It could go either way, so dive in Just dive in baby.
1:59
Amy: We're going to dive in.
2:00
Amy: Emotional intimacy always comes first in a healthy marriage.
2:03
Amy: So we're diving into the emotional aspect first and we asked our audience.
2:08
Amy: This was probably one of the top polls we've done.
2:10
Amy: We had a lot of responses.
2:12
Amy: Do you agree that strong emotional intimacy is first?
2:18
Amy: Yes, I do.
2:23
Nick: Are you asking if I agree.
2:25
Amy: I'm guessing what you think.
2:26
Amy: The answer is going to be 100%.
2:27
Amy: What's the?
2:28
Nick: percentage.
2:29
Nick: Well, since I've already seen it, I'm going to guess 90 something percent.
2:33
Amy: You cheated.
2:33
Amy: It's 94.
2:34
Amy: 94% of our audience agreed that strong emotional intimacy come first.
2:42
Amy: That's too bad.
2:43
Amy: It's not 100, because whoever said it doesn't come first needs to listen to our podcast.
2:50
Nick: I was going to say I'm surprised a lot of men didn't say no, shouldn't come first, because a lot of men feel like if the sexual intimacy is there, they're a lot more likely to open up emotionally.
3:02
Amy: Okay.
3:03
Amy: Well, I'm not going to like.
3:04
Amy: This is anonymous, so I'm not going to tell you names from our poll, but I'm looking at the all the people that voted no and I'm going to say 100% or man.
3:19
Amy: No, there's two women, three, four, four, five, six, seven.
3:28
Amy: Let me just go through.
3:30
Amy: I'm going to guess about 10% of the most women, which is shocking to me, super shocking to me.
3:39
Amy: Well, let's have a really high drive and the emotional intimacy maybe isn't already strong.
3:44
Nick: And maybe they're like you or they're like okay, nick has more needs, he talks more.
3:50
Nick: Sometimes I just need to get him to be quiet.
3:52
Nick: Maybe they're emotionally exhausted and they're like just give me the physical.
3:56
Nick: Maybe, maybe but we won't read too much into it.
4:01
Amy: We're not going to read too much into it.
4:02
Amy: So 94% did say the emotional intimacy comes first.
4:06
Amy: So I'm going to agree with the 94% and we are going to jump in to the things that shut down you emotionally in your marriage, which was many, many answers.
4:21
Nick: I totally smokes.
4:23
Amy: I know I'm scrolling through these and I'm like four and a half five hours.
4:27
Amy: If people think we come up with these answers on our own, it's you can admit you can agree that we have a lot of responses right, and this is why.
4:37
Amy: I can't share them on Instagram because there would be, I couldn't physically do that.
4:41
Amy: So the things that shut down a spouse or a wife or a husband, a spouse in general, from having strong emotional connection, rude or smart comments that would definitely shut you down emotionally.
4:59
Amy: If you said rude comments to me, I'd be like I'm out.
5:02
Nick: So would I.
5:03
Amy: Show little appreciation.
5:06
Nick: I would do it.
5:07
Amy: Arguing too much phone time.
5:11
Nick: Yeah.
5:13
Amy: We haven't heard that one before.
5:14
Nick: Geez Only from a lot of people.
5:18
Amy: How do you connect emotionally when your spouse or you are always on your phone?
5:24
Nick: So I'm reading the book.
5:28
Amy: Don't tell him yet.
5:29
Nick: I know I'm reading a book and we're going to have the author on in a few months and it's all about social media and it's mind blowing.
5:37
Nick: Like I'm reading it and I'm like this is crazy.
5:41
Amy: He's got lots of stats and facts right.
5:43
Nick: He does.
5:44
Nick: But and he brought this up he says just go out and go out to dinner to a restaurant and just look around and you're going to see everyone buried in their phones.
5:56
Nick: And so every time Amy and I go out on date night on Fridays, we are always looking around and, like most people are just it's amazing You'll see a couple sitting next to each other and they're both on their phones and they're not saying a word to each other and it's really sad.
6:11
Amy: It's really sad.
6:12
Nick: So that is happening, like that is probably the number one thing that is causing disconnect is just people just are not talking to each other and just glued to their freaking phones.
6:24
Amy: You think that you're going to have a good marriage and strong emotional intimacy if you are more addicted to TikTok than your spouse?
6:32
Nick: Tic-tac.
6:32
Amy: Tic-tac, tic-tac's the devil.
6:35
Amy: Okay, not only because I think most of the people on there are like a little crazy, but well, we just if you, if you follow us on Tic-tac and you see the responses we get.
6:47
Nick: People are psychotic.
6:48
Amy: I don't think anyone has any morals anymore and our audience on Instagram is totally different.
6:54
Nick: Yeah.
6:54
Amy: I think they do.
6:54
Amy: Anyways, I'm not even just saying that, I'm just saying like it's a time waster and some crap that pops up on there.
7:03
Amy: You're like I did not need to see that, like there's no filter.
7:05
Amy: You're not trying to Trinity me or your spouse.
7:06
Amy: Yeah, if you're married to struggling, maybe look at your screen time.
7:10
Amy: Yeah, look at that first.
7:15
Nick: Say why are we not connecting?
7:17
Nick: And I'll bet you it has something to do with the screen time.
7:20
Amy: Probably have something.
7:21
Amy: It's funny that I'll do a post on Instagram and I'll get all these comments of people saying I don't have time to be intimate, I don't have time to connect my web.
7:30
Amy: I literally work so much and then we're tired and blah, blah, blah.
7:35
Nick: And then I'm like but they'll spend hours going back and forth with you.
7:38
Amy: But you'll comment and go back and forth and argue on stuff for two hours, but you don't have time for your spouse Makes a lot of sense Makes sense the next answer lack of affection, lack of touch, lack of intimacy, lack of communication.
7:54
Amy: That'll do it.
7:57
Nick: Yeah, probably do it.
7:59
Amy: That's probably going to shut your spouse down pretty quick when you try to.
8:02
Amy: You just lack everything.
8:04
Nick: You just lack everything and then you want to be intimate.
8:07
Amy: That's probably shut it down.
8:09
Amy: Yeah, when my husband doesn't initiate any kind of love towards me.
8:15
Nick: That's sad.
8:16
Amy: Oh, that breaks my heart.
8:17
Amy: I just want to give her a big hug.
8:19
Amy: I don't know how you fix that except for yeah, that's going to kill your emotional intimacy.
8:26
Amy: Because love?
8:28
Amy: I've been posting a lot lately about how love isn't saying I love you.
8:32
Amy: Love is a verb and it's the way you treat each other, it's the things you do for each other.
8:36
Amy: It's an action.
8:37
Amy: You can't say I love you and then not do things that show love.
8:41
Amy: Like it just doesn't work, be ignored, not addressing issues, sweeping it under the rug.
8:49
Nick: We've talked about that.
8:51
Amy: Last episode right, the last episode about vulnerability.
8:55
Amy: I feel like it was a really good conversation.
8:58
Amy: I feel like it was a really important podcast episode.
9:01
Amy: The next answer was feeling unseen and unheard.
9:06
Amy: Right back to vulnerability and spending time together.
9:11
Amy: Nobody is going to want to be emotionally connected or intimate with somebody who doesn't feel like they are seen or heard to their spouse.
9:21
Nick: Yeah, we heard that a lot.
9:22
Amy: We do hear that a lot.
9:23
Amy: That's really sad.
9:23
Amy: Get off your phone again, not feeling listened to, because I'm a quiet person and it takes a lot of trust to open up emotionally.
9:32
Nick: Vulnerability.
9:34
Amy: Episode 206.
9:35
Amy: Episode 206.
9:36
Amy: Go back and listen to that one, please, please, please.
9:38
Amy: Actually, don't go listen to it.
9:40
Amy: Have your spouse listen to that one, feeling like my opinions don't matter.
9:45
Amy: If you're married, you committed to your spouse and they should matter to you.
9:53
Amy: That's what commitment means.
9:55
Amy: I'm so sad and kind of tired that people are not realizing what commitment means.
10:01
Amy: Yeah, why are spouses not feeling heard, unseen or like anything matters to their spouse?
10:06
Amy: It's just so sad.
10:09
Amy: No physical touch.
10:11
Amy: Now we're going to get into things that cut off sexual emotion, sexual intimacy Can you say it after this episode?
10:22
Amy: But they go hand in hand, right?
10:24
Amy: You can't expect to be intimate when there's no non-sexual touch.
10:29
Amy: On the other days we talk about that one quite a bit.
10:33
Nick: That's why I'm all over you every day.
10:37
Amy: That's true.
10:38
Amy: He's a physical touch spouse and even though I'm opposite, I just she's like stay away from me.
10:44
Amy: No, I don't say that.
10:47
Nick: I know I'm just joking.
10:47
Nick: They know I'm joking.
10:48
Amy: Hopefully, hopefully.
10:50
Nick: Oh, they know I'm joking.
10:52
Amy: Over commitment, piling on responsibilities, no downtime.
10:56
Amy: I think a woman said that one At least she's admitting it because or maybe a husband's doing that.
11:03
Amy: I think women are guilty of piling on so much on their schedule or taking on too much with the kids or activities, or trying to help other people or the neighbors, or signing up to do fundraisers or school projects, or I used to be like that.
11:20
Amy: I used to just totally overwhelm myself with all these things.
11:23
Amy: I think that a lot of women feel like their self-worth is based on how busy they are, and some husbands too, when it comes to their careers.
11:33
Amy: I think we all feel like that.
11:34
Amy: Do you feel like?
11:35
Nick: that I do and I think for me personally, it's really hard for me just to sit down, even if it's on a weekend, it's really hard for me just to sit down and do nothing.
11:44
Nick: I feel.
11:45
Amy: Very unproductive, Unproductive, yeah for sure.
11:49
Nick: So I think we often feel like we have to be doing something 24-7.
11:54
Amy: Even if it's like Not work-related or came-related Not work-related but just doing something.
11:59
Nick: A lot of people will get on their phones or just killing time, right, Right.
12:04
Nick: Very few people will just go take a walk without technology or go do something without technology.
12:09
Nick: We feel like we've always got to be doing something.
12:13
Amy: I think one of the best things that me and Nick have implemented like really one of the best things that we've done and we don't think much of it because it's just something we do every day that we take our dog on a walk the two of us right after we put our kids to bed Actually, we don't really put our kids to bed because they're older now, but once they're asleep, or just even getting ready for bed, we'll just be like we'll be back in 30 minutes and we hold hands and go around the neighborhood and it's quiet and that's.
12:38
Amy: It's really awesome for our marriage.
12:40
Amy: We have a lot of good conversations and I feel very connected after that.
12:45
Nick: Yeah, I agree.
12:47
Amy: I wish more people would do that.
12:48
Amy: It just kind of goes on hand with taking time away from your phone, taking time away from responsibilities to really connect with each other.
12:56
Amy: I mean that's where emotional.
12:58
Nick: Yeah, and even if it's only for 10 or 15 minutes, it's still just it can make a huge difference.
13:03
Amy: Stress from outside things, which is kind of the same answer, manipulation, transactional relationship If your relationship isn't healthy, it's not okay for it to be transactional.
13:14
Nick: I think a lot of people are in, I would say, more of a.
13:18
Nick: I don't want to say transactional is necessarily a bad thing, because a lot of things we do are transactional, but I would maybe rephrase it and say I think a lot of people are in a business relationship, agreed, where there's not much intimacy, there's not much communication, it's just like here's your responsibilities, here's mine, and they just kind of go day by day.
13:41
Nick: I don't think Amy and I were even joking about it last night.
13:45
Nick: I think it was.
13:45
Nick: So many things we do are transactional, like Amy all the time will say, hey, if you do this, oh the other day she's like, hey, if you put up Christmas lights early, it's going to be a great night for you.
13:58
Nick: Tonight in the bedroom I said done, done done, done.
14:01
Nick: Done, done, done.
14:02
Nick: Those Christmas lights got up so fast.
14:04
Amy: Did you really post it about that?
14:05
Amy: And I actually had a few comments that someone said that's unfreakin' believable.
14:10
Nick: Why that's fun.
14:11
Nick: It's playful.
14:12
Nick: That's what I don't understand is like it's fun when Amy and I do that.
14:18
Nick: We both have smiles, we're laughing, it's enjoyable.
14:22
Amy: He gets something, I get something, but we have a healthy marriage, so it's absolutely okay.
14:25
Nick: We always do playful things like that.
14:27
Nick: We'll be playing pickleball and I'll say hey, babe, you win this match and you'll get some tonight.
14:31
Nick: I don't know that all this works, but my point is it works if I use that on you.
14:35
Nick: My point is is why wouldn't you do some transactional things like that and make things fun, and that's fun to do?
14:45
Amy: It's fun if you are in a healthy place.
14:47
Amy: Correct If you're in a healthy place.
14:49
Nick: Correct If you're not in a healthy place and it's not going to be fun.
14:51
Amy: But transactions also come down to positive attitude and mindset, because if you start getting in your mind that that's transactional, you've just killed your drive right there.
15:00
Amy: You've literally just put in your mind that he's only doing that.
15:03
Amy: For one thing, I've changed my mindset.
15:08
Amy: I'm going to give you the best back and foot massage you've ever had tonight.
15:12
Amy: You know what he's saying to me.
15:13
Amy: He's saying I want to make love to you.
15:15
Amy: I know that.
15:16
Amy: So I've had to change my attitude.
15:18
Amy: You just want something from me.
15:20
Amy: Well, yeah, he wants something from me.
15:23
Amy: Of course he wants it.
15:23
Amy: He wants to be intimate with me.
15:24
Amy: What a great way to start that.
15:27
Amy: Instead of shutting you down, I'm like I'll take it.
15:30
Amy: This is great for me and awesome for you, and it's still going to be awesome for me.
15:33
Amy: So I kind of like a total winner in that situation.
15:36
Nick: You're smoking hot.
15:37
Amy: I'm attracted to you, I want to be with you and I wish more women would be grateful for the fact that their husbands or vice versa, or vice versa their spouse wants to be into with them.
15:49
Amy: That's like I don't know.
15:52
Amy: That just shows you how much they desire you.
15:54
Nick: So I totally got off track, I totally got us off track on this.
15:57
Nick: But, the point I was trying to make is like, again, everything we do in life is transactional, everything, and a lot of times in marriage, things are transactional, but make them fun.
16:10
Nick: Make them fun, transactional things.
16:12
Amy: Yeah, change your mindset sometimes about transactions.
16:16
Amy: I know in a toxic marriage that wouldn't work, but if you have a good marriage, transactions are not always a bad thing.
16:24
Amy: We use it all the time Call us crazy.
16:25
Nick: Whatever, you're going to get the best foot massage you've ever had tonight.
16:30
Amy: Sweet, awesome, great.
16:31
Amy: I'll make love to you.
16:32
Amy: After it's great, it's perfect, win-win.
16:34
Amy: Make some more win-wins in your marriage.
16:35
Amy: The next one is no patience.
16:38
Amy: No patience with your spouse is an absolute emotional killer, emotional intimacy killer.
16:44
Amy: You got to be patient.
16:46
Amy: You got to be forgiving.
16:47
Amy: You got to have those basic things that we're asked to do.
16:49
Amy: Right?
16:49
Amy: My husband's speaking to me with an unkind demeanor.
16:55
Amy: Please go listen to episode 111 about respecting your marriage.
16:59
Amy: It's pretty straightforward about how you should treat your spouse.
17:04
Amy: I would never put up with that.
17:08
Amy: Yeah, we all make mistakes once in a while or say something that could be hurtful, but to be constantly treated unkind, that would be bad.
17:18
Nick: That's not acceptable.
17:20
Amy: That is fighting, of course that's going to kill intimacy Rejection over and over again, constant rejection.
17:29
Nick: Are you still in emotional intimacy?
17:33
Amy: Yeah, yeah, he's not even saying physical intimacy.
17:35
Amy: Rejection, rejection can be a lot of different things.
17:41
Nick: Rejection can be like, hey, let's hang out tonight.
17:43
Nick: No, I'm too busy, I got stuff going on.
17:46
Nick: This happened in, I think, my parents' relationship as well, before they got divorced.
17:51
Nick: It could be rejection of just like doing fun things together, or emotionally connecting.
17:58
Amy: Hey, put your phone down and connect tonight.
17:59
Amy: Yeah, yeah, nope, I'd rather be on my phone.
18:02
Nick: Let's go for a walk tonight.
18:03
Nick: I'm not in the mood.
18:04
Amy: I'd rather be on TikTok.
18:05
Amy: That hurts.
18:06
Amy: When my wife shows lack of desire and rarely initiates, I feel unappreciated.
18:13
Amy: Okay, so we're still talking about emotional intimacy, but we've talked about this so much that when husbands are rejected a lot sexually I mean that's how they feel emotionally connected.
18:24
Amy: So a lot of husbands are giving answers on here that are sexual, but that's where they get the emotional connection.
18:31
Amy: Correct yeah, so I think that's where that's coming from, right.
18:33
Amy: For sure iPhone not being seen, emotionally held, nagging, lack of attention.
18:40
Amy: I'm just going to kind of skip.
18:41
Amy: I have so many answers, I'm just going to skip through some of these, see if I can find one that we haven't talked about.
18:48
Amy: Being blamed for other trauma in her life before we met Sounds like someone needs to go to therapy.
18:59
Amy: Yeah, that needs to be fixed.
19:02
Amy: That's not your.
19:02
Amy: You can't hold stuff against from your past, against your new, your spouse, like that just doesn't work.
19:09
Amy: Lack of physical contact we contact.
19:12
Amy: We talked about oh, this is a good one Not wanting to overload my wife with my problems, wants and desires.
19:20
Amy: Please go back if you didn't listen to our last episode 206.
19:25
Amy: It's very important.
19:28
Amy: It's not about overloading your spouse with problems.
19:31
Amy: It's called marriage.
19:32
Amy: It's called being able to share what you're struggling with taking on problems together.
19:38
Nick: If they're not your problem, the problems aren't your problems and her problems.
19:42
Nick: When you're married, problems are your problems.
19:44
Nick: Even if it's an issue at work, it's still affects your spouse Like if it affects you, it's affecting your spouse right.
19:50
Nick: Correct, absolutely.
19:54
Amy: Lack of safety or security in the relationship, lack of priority, lack of time spent on relationship, lack of safety and security is like so important, so important.
20:09
Amy: We kind of talked about that in the last one too, arguing lack of care, time with each other, disconnect.
20:17
Amy: They're kind of just a lot of the same thing.
20:19
Amy: I don't want to keep reading these.
20:21
Amy: Jump to the other ones Ready to jump.
20:23
Nick: I think, yeah, I mean we got a million more of those we could read.
20:25
Nick: But I think I think people get the point what you know it's arguing, it's lack of respect.
20:32
Amy: Selfish behaviors Selfish behavior yeah.
20:34
Amy: Okay, okay.
20:36
Amy: So next question we asked was what are your biggest intimacy barriers?
20:41
Amy: And I gave four options to our audience.
20:44
Amy: Number one was communication issues lack of foreplay in the bedroom, lack of connection outside the bedroom and resentment from past issues, like we just mentioned.
20:53
Amy: So 24% of our poll takers said communication issues, so that's like a fourth.
21:00
Intro: Yeah.
21:01
Amy: Lack of foreplay in the bedroom was only 14%, so that's yeah, people I mean yeah yeah yeah, I was just going to say yeah like people are more.
21:13
Nick: It's just showing that's more of the emotional connection.
21:15
Amy: It's showing that it's more emotional stuff.
21:17
Amy: 38% of our audience said lack of connection outside of the bedroom, which is you just heard and we didn't even get through half of them the emotional things that shut them down.
21:28
Amy: That just totally coincides with that.
21:30
Amy: Right, yeah, exactly Lack of connection outside the bedroom, which means emotional connection, and this one is also emotional connection.
21:37
Amy: That says resentment from past issues, which was 25%.
21:40
Amy: That one actually was equal to communication issues.
21:44
Nick: So one in four marriages are struggling or lacking with connection because a spouse is holding on to resentment or resentment from past issues.
21:57
Amy: We also talked about that in our last podcast.
21:59
Amy: Like you, cannot have strong emotional intimacy.
22:02
Nick: Till you let it go.
22:03
Amy: Till you let crap go and learn how to forgive, like we're commanded to forgive, like I know it's hard, but if you want a good marriage, like you've you, you can't let that poison, like I'm repeating myself, it's not the snake bite that kills a person, it's the poison inside the person that kills the person.
22:23
Amy: When you let your resentments fester and turn into bitterness, it's only killing you.
22:31
Amy: You're killing you and you're killing your marriage.
22:34
Amy: You've got to learn how to forgive.
22:36
Nick: Those are some deep thoughts, babe.
22:37
Amy: I just love that analogy so much.
22:39
Amy: Right, because someone will do something to you and then they'll get over it Like they're like.
22:45
Amy: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, like I'm so, so sorry.
22:49
Amy: Like if your spouse is super sorry about something that happened, like I'm talking, like really sorry.
22:54
Amy: Like in their heart change their behavior, change like super apologetic and you keep holding onto that.
23:04
Amy: You are doing the damage to yourself.
23:07
Nick: So we need to have a podcast episode on why people hold on to the anger and can't let go.
23:11
Nick: We do Well, it needs to be a good one too 25% are holding onto resentment from past issues.
23:16
Amy: Let it go.
23:18
Nick: Let it go.
23:19
Nick: Let it go.
23:20
Amy: I was just going to do that, but you sounded much better.
23:22
Amy: Communication issues was 24%, which we talk about all the time.
23:28
Amy: Go back to last podcast.
23:30
Amy: You have to talk to each other, right?
23:33
Amy: But I mean, if I do the math, only 14%.
23:37
Amy: So that's showing the 85% of the couples that took this.
23:40
Amy: It's all emotional connection issues that are causing the barriers to sexual intimacy.
23:47
Amy: So the next question we asked our audience was what things shut you down sexually in your marriage?
23:53
Nick: These are going to be interesting responses.
23:57
Amy: Sorry, I had to refine that.
23:58
Amy: Ok, this is going to be a lot.
24:01
Amy: Oh, and it looks like it's the things we just talked about.
24:05
Amy: Lack of communication when my wife doesn't initiate or show interest.
24:11
Amy: Her stuck on social media.
24:13
Amy: Lack of touch.
24:14
Amy: Lack of initiation when my spouse doesn't want to try new things.
24:18
Amy: Repetitiveness, repetitiveness Issues not being addressed.
24:23
Amy: Lack of emotional connection Putting the kids needs always first.
24:27
Nick: We hear that a lot.
24:30
Amy: Bringing up serious issues before being intimate.
24:33
Amy: Why would you bring up something serious that's going to cause conflict right before you're ready to be intimate?
24:39
Nick: Because they don't want to be intimate.
24:40
Amy: Apparently Lack of foreplay, lack of emotional intimacy, glad out being ignored in my love language.
24:47
Amy: Well, that's going to kill emotional and sexual intimacy.
24:49
Amy: Obligation sex that's going to kill it.
24:55
Amy: Nobody wants it out of.
24:56
Amy: Tell the wives how crappy obligation sex would be to a man.
25:02
Nick: Oh, I think from my standpoint, as much as I love being intimate with Amy, if we were just only having sex because she felt like she had to, that would be awful.
25:11
Nick: How could I enjoy that?
25:15
Nick: Or how could a man enjoy that when it's just totally an obligation, there is nothing a man or husband wants more than to please his wife and have his wife enjoy the connection as well.
25:28
Nick: So obligation sex, I'd rather not have sex.
25:32
Amy: I really would and most men have agreed to that In a loving marriage most men have agreed.
25:37
Amy: I don't want it if she doesn't want it.
25:39
Amy: That messes up the whole point.
25:41
Amy: It's supposed to be connecting.
25:45
Nick: Now, having said that, I want to stipulate that so there are many women that don't have any sexual desire, but that doesn't mean that they don't want it.
25:56
Nick: So, like for Amy, she doesn't have the drive.
26:00
Nick: She doesn't have the drive, but she knows that once she gets turned on through four player different things than that desire comes, and then she wants it, but she's just not a spontaneous.
26:12
Nick: So I want to clarify that if a spouse doesn't have that sexual desire, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't want it or they can't get in the mood to want it right, like Amy.
26:24
Nick: It just takes Amy a different route, I guess, or time frame to get in the mood for sexual intimacy.
26:35
Nick: But once she's there, she loves it, she enjoys it.
26:37
Nick: And am I stating that right?
26:40
Amy: Absolutely, absolutely.
26:42
Nick: So don't confuse that.
26:43
Nick: And I go back to I think we complicate things so much.
26:48
Nick: I think nowadays it's just like in the olden days.
26:50
Nick: It was just like oh, women require a lot of foreplay to get in the mood.
26:56
Nick: Now we just totally disregard foreplay and pretend foreplay doesn't even exist.
27:01
Nick: And now it's just like well, my spouse isn't in the mood, therefore we're not going to have sex.
27:06
Amy: Yeah, that would be like no marriage.
27:08
Amy: No marriage would be new, it's so ridiculous.
27:09
Nick: So it's not that women have changed, it's just that now the position is well, if I'm not in the mood, I'm not going to have sex, because then it would be like forcing me to have sex or whatever right when the whole purpose of foreplay is to get a lower desire spouse in the mood.
27:27
Nick: That's all we 20 or 30 years ago like.
27:29
Nick: Everything made or built, every sex aid is to help get the spouse in the mood for sexual intimacy.
27:39
Amy: Absolutely, Absolutely.
27:41
Amy: I don't know how to add to that.
27:44
Amy: It was perfect.
27:44
Amy: It's very important.
27:45
Amy: It's all about mindset, though Remember.
27:47
Amy: I mean, there's so many podcast episodes on positivity and mindset, Like it's all about being willing, but this entire episode comes down to I'm not going to be willing.
28:00
Amy: Like I'm not going to be positive and willing if he hasn't taken the time to make me feel emotionally secure and safe and loved in our marriage.
28:10
Amy: Like that's the whole entire thing, All those things we've read, the emotional intimacy or the emotional connection has got to be strong first.
28:17
Nick: But I'll bet you and I could be wrong but I'll bet you, if we were taking these same polls like 30, 40 years ago, you would have very, very few men saying oh, my wife is a low desire spouse and she just never wants it and this, and that you probably won't hear that as often, because couples back then figured out how to have foreplay and get their spouse in the mood and things were a lot different then.
28:44
Nick: I don't think that I could be wrong, but I don't think that it's necessarily that women have completely changed with their sex drives.
28:52
Nick: I think there are definitely a lot of distractions and things like that, but I think nowadays it's more like well, if I'm just not in the mood, therefore we're not going to do it right.
29:06
Nick: Or we're not, or it's almost like if a spouse is not in the mood, then it's completely off limits to try to get them in the mood.
29:13
Nick: That's, the fence goes up and it's like, okay, she's not that spouse here, she is not in the mood.
29:19
Nick: Therefore, end of end of story, where what in the world ever happened to foreplay?
29:24
Nick: That's my point.
29:26
Amy: I don't think it has to do like I'm going to disagree with the time thing, because I don't think I actually think a lot more women are more sex positive now than they used to be just because all the stuff that's come out.
29:35
Amy: We've learned a lot more.
29:36
Amy: We've learned about the clitoris, we have toys now.
29:38
Amy: I think a lot more women are more sexual now.
29:40
Amy: I think it comes down to bad attitudes, taking on too much and distractions.
29:48
Nick: Agreed 100%.
29:49
Nick: That's what I think it comes down to.
29:51
Nick: I think it's the first thing you said hits it right on the head and they're all wrapped in, they're all intertwined to the same thing, absolutely.
30:00
Nick: If you're too busy and you don't make time for it, then you're not going to be in the mood.
30:03
Nick: Or if you have distractions, you're not going to be in the mood.
30:06
Nick: It all comes back to your perception or your personality about it.
30:14
Nick: Like, oh, I'm not in the mood.
30:15
Nick: Therefore, we're just not going to do it.
30:18
Amy: Look how many comments we get all the time that it just feels transactional.
30:22
Amy: Well, that's a mindset thing.
30:25
Amy: I could see that.
30:26
Amy: If your spouse literally has no emotional connection, I can feel like that's very toxic.
30:32
Amy: I just think we need to be more sexually, sexual, intimacy, mindset positive.
30:41
Amy: I think that is what changes everything.
30:43
Amy: You got to realize too, because of social media and Instagram and TikTok and YouTube shorts and all these things that are proving that they're damaging to not just our brain but to our entire beings.
30:57
Amy: You're getting a dopamint hit when you keep swiping and seeing new things.
31:03
Amy: These stats are starting to come out.
31:05
Amy: When you're getting dopamine from something like that, you're not going to choose to get it from your spouse because that's a different rate of dopamine.
31:12
Amy: We're going to have an expert on and talk all about that because it's a really, really big issue, but it makes so much sense.
31:20
Nick: Basically low desire spouses' needs are getting met through many other ways.
31:27
Amy: Many other ways.
31:27
Amy: That's exactly what it is.
31:29
Nick: It's just really that simple.
31:30
Nick: A low desire spouse even becomes a more lower desire spouse because they're getting those dopamine hits or needs, or whatever you want to call it through different ways that I think didn't exist before.
31:45
Amy: We talked about this earlier and I think we're going to do an entire podcast on this.
31:48
Amy: When one spouse is a low desire spouse, they don't realize it's not affecting them Not having sex.
31:57
Amy: Sexual intimacy is not really.
32:00
Amy: A zero effect, they're not noticing that it's not affecting them unless their husband or wife the higher drive spouse is being affected and maybe is upset or it's hurting the marriage in some way.
32:12
Nick: But if that spouse has stopped caring or stopped asking or initiating or whatever, that low desire spouse doesn't even realize there's something wrong, anything's wrong, where the higher desire spouse is going crazy and feeling like they're not wanted or needed or desired and frustrated and Absolutely.
32:31
Amy: We kind of got off track.
32:32
Amy: But the next question we asked was to rate your emotional connection in your marriage.
32:36
Amy: It was at 50%.
32:40
Amy: 50% is really sad for all the people, the thousands of people that saw our poll.
32:49
Amy: For it to be 50% is really, really sad.
32:52
Nick: But that 50% shows why, if the emotional needs are not being met, that 50% shows why it's not getting to the sexual connection.
33:01
Amy: That's why the sexual intimacy sucks for so many marriages, yep.
33:06
Nick: You change the number on that emotional connection and the number on the sexual connection is going to change.
33:11
Amy: They're all going to go higher, right, if you higher the emotional intimacy in marriages and that connection and all those things that we were reading and I didn't even start in the sexual intimacy once because we're out of time, but they were pretty much the same as the emotional All these things need to be had in a marriage to keep it strong, for the sexual intimacy to be awesome.
33:30
Nick: The reason why our sexual intimacy is good in our marriage is not just because the sexual intimacy is good.
33:34
Nick: It's because the emotional intimacy is good.
33:36
Amy: It's because you always make me feel loved, so I'm always willing to be intimate.
33:40
Amy: That is what it comes down to.
33:42
Amy: So our last question that we asked was what do you think helps to fix the common sexual and emotional gap in marriages?
33:52
Amy: I have tons of answers.
33:54
Amy: I'm not going to read them, I'm just going to try and pick out just a few good ones being comfortable with uncomfortable conversations, like we just talked about in our last episode, less screen time, listening to each other's needs and doing it for that person, which I'm going to add, love languages, like you have to be speaking your spouse's love language, or at least trying to understand it.
34:20
Amy: Communication, vulnerability, being a safe place to communicate.
34:24
Amy: Weekly check-ins, being able to talk and share things, flirting with each other, playing, hearing gratitude from your spouse, communicating respect, honesty, having date nights, even if it's just at home.
34:40
Amy: That means quality time when both spouses are willing to communicate their needs, emotionally and physically.
34:46
Amy: Spending time together with no kids, caring, being compassionate, being understanding, effective communication.
34:58
Amy: Communication does nothing if it's not effective and healthy.
35:01
Amy: I mean that's where people need to get the tools how to have effective and good conversations, validating each other, patience, forgiveness, all those things that we've been talking about and I love that.
35:16
Amy: I'm just going to end on this one or two remembering that you're on the same team together and praying together, remembering and reminding each other.
35:26
Amy: We're on the same team, reaching out physically and emotionally.
35:30
Amy: I just there's just so much more.
35:33
Amy: I could just keep going.
35:34
Amy: I feel like a lot of them are repeat, but Just also important, so important.
35:39
Amy: If you want a good sex life, you have got to spend so much time making sure that that emotional connection is super strong.
35:49
Amy: I feel like I say that every podcast.
35:51
Amy: There's a reason for that yeah.
35:54
Nick: So we Encourage you for this next week really try to Make time to have good, deep, meaningful conversations and focus on the emotional intimacy, the emotional connection.
36:05
Nick: It's gonna look different in every marriage Maybe maybe you do a good job of having good conversations, maybe you need, maybe it's taking a walk together.
36:14
Nick: Whatever that is, find what you can do better to connect emotionally together and see if that helps you connect better Sexually, because those two things do go hand-in-hand and I want to add that I really do think that wives or or low-drive spouses, I really do think that they want to have a higher drive.
36:36
Amy: I Just think that there's some kind of barrier keeping them From having that, because not all people and I know that there's health issues and medical things that cannot cause like an actual, like physical, low libido.
36:50
Amy: But low libido is also caused by stress and Resentments and all these things that we mentioned.
36:56
Amy: that can be fixed, I think yeah, I totally agree so when you really find out what those barriers are and break those down so you can have that emotional connection, I do believe that more spouses will want to be sexually intimate.
37:11
Amy: I really believe that.
37:12
Nick: I agree.
37:12
Nick: So Christmas is gonna fast approach.
37:16
Nick: We all wait to the last second to get things for our spouse.
37:19
Nick: But we have some fantastic products in our shop shop dot, ultimate intimacy calm.
37:25
Nick: Go check it out.
37:27
Nick: Also, check out our marriage and intimacy retreat in 2024 March 21st, the 24th of 2024 and beautiful st George, utah.
37:37
Nick: What a great gift to give your spouse this holiday season.
37:41
Nick: Come enjoy three nights with us with phenomenal food, phenomenal activities and instruction.
37:48
Nick: Email us if you have any questions.
37:51
Nick: Go check that out at ultimate intimacy comm slash retreats.
37:56
Amy: I have to add, our speakers are amazing.
37:58
Amy: You will leave more emotionally and physically and sexually connected to your spouse after those three days then.
38:05
Amy: Then it's just there and they are amazing.
38:08
Nick: Yeah, the reviews we had, or the feedback we had from the last one we did, were just phenomenal.
38:15
Nick: On it, I think really it transformed pretty much.
38:18
Nick: Everyone's Was there, including ours.
38:21
Nick: So go check it out and, and as always, until next time, we hope you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.