Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #46 Love Languages

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#46 Love Languages · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coilson,
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  Speaker 1: where Luke and Susie our husband and wife radio team
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  Speaker 1: with three young boys. This is the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants some answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now take my hand suits Yeah, that's lovely, because you
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  Speaker 2: know my love language is physical touch.
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  Speaker 3: Yes.
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  Speaker 2: So this was a big thing for us when we
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  Speaker 2: first started dating because you when we had our first fight,
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  Speaker 2: the last thing you wanted to do was put your
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  Speaker 2: hand on my shoulder or do anything. And everything I
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  Speaker 2: needed was so desperately for you to put your hand
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  Speaker 2: on my shoulder say everything's still okay. And we realized
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  Speaker 2: this whole love language thing was big for us as
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  Speaker 2: trying to form our relationship. Imagine how important it is
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  Speaker 2: for developing little human beings like our kids.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly. Do you know your child's love language. It's
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  Speaker 1: a big question and we're going to have a look
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  Speaker 1: at it with doctor Justin Coulson from Happy Families dot
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  Speaker 1: Com tod Au, how are you.
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  Speaker 3: Justin Allo, Susie high work, I'm great? How are you?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah?
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  Speaker 1: Really well? Thank you?
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  Speaker 2: One of your love LOLNGG?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, what are yours?
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  Speaker 3: All of them? Yeah, I'm high. Needs.
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  Speaker 2: I've always said that. I've always said that doctor Justin Corson.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, mine's a given and it could be anyone on
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  Speaker 1: any given day.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, Susie is only one of them, but it changes
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  Speaker 2: every day. But there's no doubt physical touches is my
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  Speaker 2: number one question about it.
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  Speaker 1: But we don't often. We got the book for our
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  Speaker 1: wedding a wedding present, the five Love Languages, but I
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  Speaker 1: don't know that I have actually applied it to my children.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, so the book is he's a pastor in the
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  Speaker 3: United States. Name is Gary Chapman. Now he doesn't have
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  Speaker 3: a psychology qualification, and there's a few things as a
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  Speaker 3: psychic guy that I just quite they don't quite resonate
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  Speaker 3: and work perfectly for me. But I've kind of rewritten
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  Speaker 3: the love languages a little bit and shifted them around
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  Speaker 3: a little bit and made them work. I think in
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  Speaker 3: a way that well, it works better for me, and
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  Speaker 3: I think works better psychologically. And so basically, instead of
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  Speaker 3: having these five love languages that he identifies, I argue
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  Speaker 3: that there are two universal love languages. These are the
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  Speaker 3: two love languages that every one of us has, whether
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  Speaker 3: you're a Luke or a Susi or Justin or whatever,
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  Speaker 3: and they are time and understanding. You see, if we
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  Speaker 3: want our relationships to flourish, we've got to put time
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  Speaker 3: into them. It's something that I love to share in
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  Speaker 3: the workshops that I present around the country, is that
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  Speaker 3: just like dollars are the currency of our economy, attention
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  Speaker 3: is the currency of our relationship. Yeah. When we have
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  Speaker 3: a relationship that is falling apart or that is failing,
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  Speaker 3: quite often we'll find that at the root of it,
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  Speaker 3: there's insufficient time being put into it. And if our
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  Speaker 3: relationships are not good with our kids, it's simply because
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  Speaker 3: we're not giving them enough time. The second universal love
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  Speaker 3: language I think we all have is the love language
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  Speaker 3: of understanding. We all want to be understood. We want
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  Speaker 3: to be understood more than we want to be loved.
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  Speaker 3: We want to be understood, and when we're not, we
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  Speaker 3: get so upset, we feel so frustrated, we feel completely
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  Speaker 3: hemmed in and it's like, hang, when you're not listening
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  Speaker 3: to me, you don't know what I'm saying, you don't
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  Speaker 3: know what I'm feeling. And I'll give you example. And
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  Speaker 3: how bad we are at this is parents. We were
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  Speaker 3: at an indoor rock climbing center not long ago, and
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  Speaker 3: my nine year old daughter had climbed to the top
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  Speaker 3: of the rock wall and she was on an automatic ballet.
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  Speaker 3: So normally, you know, you've got the rope hooked up
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  Speaker 3: and you've got someone at the bottom and they delay you.
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  Speaker 3: That is, they hold the rope so that if you fall,
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  Speaker 3: you won't do anything. You just sort of swing out
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  Speaker 3: and go back to the wall and you be safe.
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  Speaker 3: There's nobody at the bottom for the automatic blay. It
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  Speaker 3: just the ropery tracks up into the roof and then
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  Speaker 3: you let go of the wall and it catches you
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  Speaker 3: and lowers you back down. And she was at the
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  Speaker 3: top of this wall and she was freaking out. She
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  Speaker 3: didn't want to let go because she didn't trust that
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  Speaker 3: the rope would catch her. As she descended to the floor.
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  Speaker 2: I was at the.
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  Speaker 3: Bottom saying, Annie, come on, it's not that big a deal.
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  Speaker 3: Just let go of the wall. It'll catch you. It's okay,
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  Speaker 3: And she's like, Dad, I can't do it. And she
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  Speaker 3: was freaking out. And I wasn't understanding her particularly well.
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  Speaker 3: I mean, I got what was going on cognitively, but
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  Speaker 3: in my heart I wasn't feeling the fear and the
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  Speaker 3: anxiety that she was feeling, or she was eight meters
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  Speaker 3: up this wall too scared to let go, and finally
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  Speaker 3: I said, Annie, I know how scary it is for you.
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  Speaker 3: I know that it's really hard to trust that the
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  Speaker 3: rope will catch you, but it will. Trust me, it'll
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  Speaker 3: work out. Let go, And eventually she let go and
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  Speaker 3: she came down to the ground like Overahagen. About ten
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  Speaker 3: minutes later, I was climbing a different wall and I
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  Speaker 3: was on auto bilet. I'd never used it before, and
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  Speaker 3: I got to the top and then I realized that
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  Speaker 3: I was in exactly the same position as Annie. I
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  Speaker 3: had to let go, and I didn't want to. I
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  Speaker 3: was freaking out, let me tell you. And I had
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  Speaker 3: this sudden realization that I had not fully understood how
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  Speaker 3: Annie was feeling, and she needed my understanding at that point,
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  Speaker 3: and I needed some understanding. And I called out to
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  Speaker 3: the guy that worked I said, if I let go,
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  Speaker 3: it's just going to catch me, and he just laughed
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  Speaker 3: and he said, yeah, do it. And I freaked out
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  Speaker 3: and I let go and it caught me. But it
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  Speaker 3: was a wonderful reminder that if we don't know how
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  Speaker 3: things are for our children. You know, when they're being
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  Speaker 3: bullied at school and they're really hurting and we say it,
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  Speaker 3: suck it up, princess, go to school, drink some concrete
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  Speaker 3: and hard nap. You know, when we say that sort
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  Speaker 3: of stuff to them, they don't feel understood. And it
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  Speaker 3: is a universal love language. We need it, yeah, so
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  Speaker 3: that we can so that we can function all in
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  Speaker 3: our relationships.
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  Speaker 1: So time and understanding are these universal love languages. There
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  Speaker 1: are three more in your system of love languages. We're
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  Speaker 1: going to talk about those next. Doctor Justin Coulson our
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  Speaker 1: guest from Happy Families dot com dot au, asking the
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  Speaker 1: question do you know your child's love language?
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  Speaker 4: Are you endlessly nagging, shouting, pleading, threatening and demanding that
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  Speaker 4: your children behave Do you live in a dictatorship where
• 5:50
  Speaker 4: the kids are in charge? Time out is not your
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  Speaker 4: only option. Is an ebook with discipline strategies and ideas
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  Speaker 4: that work, and they work without you carrying a load
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  Speaker 4: of parental guilt around all day. No more yelling, threatening,
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  Speaker 4: bribing or time outs. From day one, You'll notice the
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  Speaker 4: difference in your children, and they'll notice the difference in you.
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  Speaker 4: Time out is not your only option. By doctor Justin Coulson,
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  Speaker 4: available as an ebook and an audiobook at happy families
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  Speaker 4: dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 2: This is the Happy Families Podcast with Dr Justin Coulson.
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  Speaker 2: We are Lukinsuzi and this is the podcast for time
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  Speaker 2: poor parents who just want answers.
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  Speaker 1: Now and today it's all about our children's love language. Now,
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  Speaker 1: you were talking about, Justin, about how you've kind of
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  Speaker 1: reframed the five love languages of Gary Chapman to time
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  Speaker 1: and understanding being universal. We all need those, but there's
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  Speaker 1: three more that you have there. Can you explain those
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  Speaker 1: to us?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah? So they touch me, tell me, show me they
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  Speaker 3: touch me. He's a people like Luke. You know, you
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  Speaker 3: just crave somebody acknowledging your presence by reaching out and
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  Speaker 3: squeezing your elbow or putting their arm around your shoulder,
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  Speaker 3: or holding your hand or giving you a hug. Touch
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  Speaker 3: Me's love to snuggle in beare and you just lay
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  Speaker 3: there and hold onto one another and go, oh, you
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  Speaker 3: know this is wonderful. I love you, and our children
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  Speaker 3: quite often will be touch mees as well. They love
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  Speaker 3: to be acknowledged. They love to feel our presence close
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  Speaker 3: to them. Then we've got to tell me. These are
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  Speaker 3: the people who love to be told I love you, you're
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  Speaker 3: special to me, you're wonderful. And there's a lot of
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  Speaker 3: children who really thrive and really flourish when they get
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  Speaker 3: that kind of a that kind of verbal acknowledgment that
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  Speaker 3: they're loved. And of course you know that some kids
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  Speaker 3: hate that. You know, when you give some kids a
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  Speaker 3: compliment and tell them how much you love them, and
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  Speaker 3: they just sort of go or squirmy and squish and say,
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  Speaker 3: don't say stuff like that embarrassing. And then there's the
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  Speaker 3: show me. These are the ones who love it when
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  Speaker 3: we give them treats and give them gifts and show
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  Speaker 3: them by doing things for them. And now, like I
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  Speaker 3: said earlier, some people are really high maintenance, whether they're
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  Speaker 3: children or adults, and they're all five. Some people are
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  Speaker 3: only really just that, you know, the two universal ones
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  Speaker 3: plus one of those other three. But when we can
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  Speaker 3: tap in to the love languages of our family, whether
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  Speaker 3: it's our kids, or whether it's our spouse or even
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  Speaker 3: our mother in law, and we can express to them
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  Speaker 3: love in the way that they like it to be
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  Speaker 3: expressed of them, it's just wonderful for family relationships.
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  Speaker 1: Our seven year old's been going through a phase justin
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  Speaker 1: where he's constantly saying to every single day, often multiple
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  Speaker 1: times a day, you're the best mum ever, and you're
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  Speaker 1: the best dad ever. I love you. And he's very
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  Speaker 1: verbal in that, and it makes me think he's in
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  Speaker 1: that phase of discovering what his own love language is.
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  Speaker 1: That he's using words, and that's showing us that he
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  Speaker 1: likes words as well. That's what I'm starting to think
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  Speaker 1: with this little seven year old who's reaching an age
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  Speaker 1: of reason.
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  Speaker 2: And one of the five year olds won't let us
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  Speaker 2: go without a cuddle and everything. Everything's all about touch
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  Speaker 2: with him. It's fascinating to see them unravel. What do you,
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  Speaker 2: Reckon sues. The three of them aren't give They're.
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  Speaker 1: All touch me. He's definitely. They're all very cuddly. Oh no,
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  Speaker 1: maybe less so Ruden. But lastly, touch me and tell me,
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  Speaker 1: I Reckon.
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  Speaker 2: Rudin's a tell me Yeah. His eyes light up justin
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  Speaker 2: when you praise him and when you acknowledge him, when
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  Speaker 2: you tell him what a wonderful job, he's just eyes
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  Speaker 2: just get big and round. He doesn't necessarily say a
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  Speaker 2: lot back, but he certainly looks for it.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah. And you'll also notice that people will demonstrate their
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  Speaker 3: preferred love language by the way that they express love
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  Speaker 3: to others. So if you've got somebody who was always
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  Speaker 3: telling other people how much they love them, they're probably
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  Speaker 3: a tell me. And quite often in marriages at least,
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  Speaker 3: you'll find that tell me will marry, touch me or
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  Speaker 3: show me, And there'll be this incompatibility and the wife
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  Speaker 3: will say, he never tells me how much he loves me.
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  Speaker 3: He's always just trying to grab hold of me, drives
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  Speaker 3: me crazy. And the bloke will be saying, she keeps
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  Speaker 3: on telling me how much she loves me, but she
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  Speaker 3: never really shows me by grabbing hold of me. And
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  Speaker 3: so we need to watch what our spouses and partners
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  Speaker 3: are doing and what our kids are doing so that
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  Speaker 3: we can respond the way they seem to express it
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  Speaker 3: the most, because that will usually be a really nice
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  Speaker 3: indicator of what their language of love is.
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  Speaker 2: No doubt, my dad, the Aussie Mail, grew up as
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  Speaker 2: a show me as far as he was concerned. He
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  Speaker 2: told us every day he loved it when he worked
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  Speaker 2: really hard and put food on the table and did
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  Speaker 2: whatever it needed to do to feed us and to
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  Speaker 2: house us. And that was his his show me love,
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  Speaker 2: no question.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: And then and then we've got to make sure that
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  Speaker 3: we respond to the to the tell me as well
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  Speaker 3: by saying thank you. They just if you're a tell
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  Speaker 3: me and you hear gratitude, oh my goodness, it just
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  Speaker 3: makes everything worthwhile.
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  Speaker 1: So good. It's good to explore this topic and start
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  Speaker 1: to actively think about what our children's love languages are
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  Speaker 1: so that we can make sure they always know that
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  Speaker 1: they're in a place where they are loved. Dr Justin
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  Speaker 1: Coulson from Happy Families dot com todare you always great
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  Speaker 1: to catch up? Thanks so much for your time.
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  Speaker 3: Let's do it again soon. Thanks guys.
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  Speaker 1: For more info in all of Justin's books, podcasts, and programs.
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  Speaker 1: You can jump online to Happy Families dot com doodau
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: to find out how to have Justin speak at your school,
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: or you can come along to your organization as well.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: Go to Justin Coulson dot com com