Latest / Your Thoughts Your Reality / What Trauma Really Does to You—and How to Process It | The Silent War Most Never Talk About with Guest Dennis Booker

Transcript

What Trauma Really Does to You—and How to Process It | The Silent War Most Never Talk About with Guest Dennis Booker · Your Thoughts Your Reality

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Your Thoughts, Your Reality with Michael Cole, the podcast that shines a compassionate light on the journey of veterans battling through life's challenges.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Michael is a dual elite certified neuroencoding specialist in coaching and keynote training presentations, dedicated to guiding military veterans as they navigate the intricate pathways of post-deployment life.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Join him as we delve into the profound realm of neuroencoding science, empowering these brave individuals to conquer universal battles, procrastination, self-doubt, fear, and more.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Together, let's uncover the strength within you to re-engage with families and society, forging a new path forward.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Hello, hello, hello, everybody.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: So super excited for today.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: We have uh Dennis Blocker.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: Dennis brings over 23 years of experience in emergency medicine, serving as a firefighter, EMS responder, and trauma team member at a level one trauma center.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: Throughout his career, he's witnessed the darkest moments of human life.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what we're going to talk about today, which is violence, tragedy, and deep suffering that most people never see.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: His experience didn't just stay on the job, though, right?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: They followed him home.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: And this is this is what this is all about shaping how he thought, felt, and viewed the world.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: And after losing friends to suicide and facing his own internal battles, Dennis began confronting what many people avoid.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: So today we are gonna dive in deep with my my friend Dennis here.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Dennis, do you have anything uh else that you want to tell us about yourself?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_02: Sure, just a DOD kid, Department of Defense, a kid, Air Force, Brad, was born into it in 1974.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_02: I'm a 74 model, and we moved to Iceland and Guam.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_02: And I think that really being a military kid, you you see you're all about service.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_02: Like even I remember driving on riding your bicycle on bass, at the end of the day, when it's five o'clock, the the flag goes down.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_02: Retire, retreat, they call it retreat, but the flag goes down for the day at the headquarters.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_02: And when the flag goes down, they they sound the retreat song.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_02: And I just remember hopping off my bicycle, and all of us kids getting off swings, and and you everybody stands at attention and you put your hand over your heart and you face towards the headquarters with the flags coming down.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_02: Even if you can't see it, you you face that direction.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_02: People pull over their cars, they get out of their cars.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_02: So that level of service was absolutely, you know, something that I'm very thankful for because that served me very well later in life when I would feel that call, which we'll get into later.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: But uh, absolutely.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: So if we can, let's talk about, you know, what brought you into first responder type uh care or or career, if you will.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_02: Sure.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_02: I had been to Africa when I was 16 and I was injured really bad in the Congo.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_02: We were three days in the jungle.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_02: That kind of first planted a seed that medical is pretty important because we didn't have any medical people with us.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_02: And I just had to tough it out.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_02: And then later in college in Oklahoma City, I was in class when Timothy McVeigh blew up the federal building.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_02: And I just, you know, our building shook.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_02: And we when the class was over, we went in the hallway and they had pulled up a TV to the window.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_02: You must be mindful.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_02: This is before, you know, for your listeners, this is before the internet.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_02: So, you know, we they had pulled up a TV and you could see downtown, and this giant federal building looked like God's villa had stepped on it.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_02: So just, you know, seeing those newscasters looking at the TV and just I had never seen news people cry before.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_02: And they were saying, we need all medical people downtown now.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_02: Please, all medical people, please come downtown.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_02: And, you know, a carload, a couple carloads of kids, students went downtown.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_02: And, you know, they just were it was like the school nurse and like prior service, this and that.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_02: And yeah, they went downtown and there I was just standing there watching people go off.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_02: And that's when I first got that that pull on my heart that I I needed to help.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_02: And it really made an impact on me, you know, and just how I felt deficient, like I felt like there was something missing.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_02: And so that following summer, my sister and I both went to uh OSU's EMS program, EMT program.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_02: That was really awesome too, Mike, because all of our instructors were all firefighters who had Oklahoma City firefighters who had pulled the babies and the kids out of this rubble.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_02: And so there was no fun time, there was no messing around, there was no not taking it seriously.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_02: This was dead serious, and so that was imbued in us, and yeah, yeah, that's how I got into it.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, just you know, listeners, I know I'm feeling it because I know you shared the story with me when we talked before, and that's why I wanted to bring it up.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: It it's if you put yourself in that position, you know, it's it's it it changes your life, right?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: As it did, right?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it it literally changed your life.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm just curious, uh I mean, what was the the the feeling when you're seeing that kind of thing?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: And we're gonna talk about that as well in the emergency services, but what was the feeling?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, how old were you?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_02: Let's see 20, 19, 20.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: And you did this and it changed your life.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: And and thank goodness it did, because you know, you have an amazing story that really is impactful.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know, when I talked to you, I was like, Yeah, we definitely need you on the show.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: So what were some of the the feelings at the time that you was it just disbelief?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: Was it surreal?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Was it just your body?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: Was it like just in shock?
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_02: Well, first of all, I was in Bible college.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_02: I was training to be a uh Christian uh missionary to Congo.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_02: So you already have that kind of mentality, and and and and honestly, you have been sheltered a lot growing up in a Christian home.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_02: You don't you don't exposed to a lot of other things that because I went to a Christian school, I'm a whole, I went to you know, Christian college.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I mean, so there's a lot of darkness and things that I was never exposed to that maybe a lot of kids that grow up in various circumstances would see.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_02: So it was very shocking.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_02: And just you, you I remember looking around at the other college students and just your mouth, your hands are covering your mouth, and you're and no one's talking.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_02: And there was just this and and and really it was almost as if like the birds weren't even outside, weren't even flying, they were just hunkered down and it just complete and utter silence across the city.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_02: And I I don't recall sound.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_02: I I I don't recall any of that just staring and then going outside and seeing two carloads of our students heading downtown, and you know, just and then the reports coming in, and then you you just can't believe that there is that level of evil there.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, and then you just circumspectly you're looking at yourself and you're wondering, what do I do with this information?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_02: And that's when I started feeling that pull that you know I needed to be somebody who, you know, it reminds me of Mr.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_02: Rogers, you know, that famous saying where his mom said, if something happens, just be calm and look for the helpers.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_02: There'll always be helpers.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_02: And that's who I wanted to be.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_02: I wanted to be the helper that was going to you know help and and be there and you know, try and help people with this situation.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: I love it, I love it, man.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: So and and just say you know, I literally have chills right now.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, to to be in that situation obviously propelled a beautiful thing, right?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: It propelled you into the life that you had, have, you know, and will have, obviously.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: So let's let's talk about now just really quickly, you know, let's get us out of that that space, shake it out a little bit, right?
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: So what was it that do you think over the the periods of time that kept you moving forward?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: Because here's the here's the reality, right?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: We go through something like that, we have a choice, and we choose to move forward and help, or we choose to go in and be a victim.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: So, what are some of the things?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: I want to bring the light into this.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: During that transition, what are some of the things that you thought or maybe just drew you forward?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_02: Mike, really, it was that constant need to make a difference to not be a bystander, to not be a rubber necker, to not be someone just standing watching mayhem and chaos.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_02: But, you know, and and when we're doing EMT training, I didn't know if I had what it took.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_02: And that was what was more terrifying to me than almost anything was not was we all have the same information, but we're not all the same because some people's DNA is different, and you don't know if you have what it takes until you're there.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_02: And so you can't thump your chest and and be proud of what you've done and all that, because it really it comes down to what kind of DNA you have were given when you were formed in your mother's womb.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_02: And for me, it was terrifying because I was just fingers crossed, knocking on wood, like lucky charms in my pocket, hoping that when I went on my first call, that I would have it.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_02: And I mean that makes sense, but it that factor.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_02: And fortunately, on my calls in EMT training in school when I was a student, going to these uh calls, when I stepped out of your, of course, you're excited, and the sirens and the lights and the bouncing off of bushes and trees and the red, blue, red, blue, red, blue, and you're pull up, and you can step out and you hear that crunching of glass underneath your shoes.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_02: And for some reason, it just everything slowed down for me in those situations.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_02: And I was able to access the files of training, and some people were not able to do that.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_02: And in even people that maybe scored higher on tests and this and that, when they would step out of the vehicle, they would go blank and they were unable to access the files.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_02: And it just so happened, and once again, it's not any pride factor at all.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_02: It's just you don't know if you have it until you're there.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_02: I was fortunate that when I stepped out, everything slowed down and I got very clear.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and it it just kind of made sense to me, and I was able to see danger signs and and and access the protocols and you know, treating people and handling situations.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: Fantastic.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: So I'd even want to add in that it it there's aspects that are in in your your DNA or you know, in your literal cells that are generational, right?
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'd I'd also say that your and again I'm going into mind work, right?
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, a lot of things get blocked out, they're generalized, they're deleted, and distorted.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: That's what our mind does to save energy and protect us.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I I'd also you know want to throw in that your experience, the emotional experience that you had, changed that and helped you to move forward where other people don't have the same why to move forward.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: And that could be with with what you did, with with what everybody does in life, if you will, when you have a strong enough why, because you know what you want, you always have to start with what you want, reinforcement with the why.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_02: Very true.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: It changed it changes things.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I I I would strongly say that that's probably another one of the reasons why you stepped up instead of stepping back.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_02: That's very true.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_02: And and that's what's going to keep you going because there were times when you look around, you're like, this is getting even crazier.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_02: But and what keeps you there, and and like you know, like we talked before, but it was you know, we had nurses that would clock in and an hour later clock out and go home, and they're teary, they're tearful and apologetic, and we're like, no, this just means you're more sane than the rest of us.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_02: It's like it's this life, it's it's not a calm environment.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_02: They're psych patients lining the hallway screaming, and and there are 70 people in the waiting room, they're all angry, and the wait time is 24 hours, and there's four coming in by air, two by ground.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_02: And it's like, no, it's you're responding correctly.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: Right, but you're you're hum you're human after all.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_02: You're human after all, and you're gonna be a great nurse somewhere else on some other you know, floor or ICU or whatever.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_02: But what but what was important and and to your point was that before I got myself into all of those situations, I did have the strong foundation of why, you know, why why I was there was that I wanted to make a difference.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_02: And when things got hard and when the trauma room is full and you're having to remove the Ivy carts down to the hallway to make more room for even more people that are coming.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_02: And you're having to push, you're having to push stretchers side by side so tight that there's nurses at the head of the bed that are going to be there for a couple hours, and there's nurses at the foot of the bed that are gonna be there a couple hours, and they're literally tossing bags of IV fluid over patients and catching them and spiking them and starting them because there's no more room in the trauma room.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_02: So, in those situations, what keeps you there and makes you come back for more later the following day is that this is it's who you are, it's your it's your in your DNA, it's you have to help, you have to be there.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_02: And and what's crazy is that even in the darkness and when you're battling some very dark stuff, even now when I'm sitting at home and I see a call on, maybe it's there's a really good show on, and you'll see people responding, even now, I start, I I'm like, oh man, to be there, like I would love to be there right now, you know.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and that's fantastic, Dennis, because I'm gonna say this.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: Most people, when they've been through what you've been through, and again, you you gave it a different definition, right?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: You that's that's how you changed changed the outcome of it.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: But most people, they see that, whether it be veterans, they see a war, they see you know a first responder, see that kind of thing, it takes them back in a negative way sometimes with trauma, right?
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I know you went through trauma and we're gonna discuss that in just a second.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: So it's it's again a blessing that you gave the gave the the distinction and definition, I'd even say, of it being I still want to help, instead of oh my god, you know, and and and you know, moving backward, you're still leaning into it, which is phenomenal based on your story, brother.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just saying that now, you know.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: Fantastic.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it's a lot of work.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: Self-growth is work.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it doesn't just happen.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: No, it does not.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk about more of the the the trauma for a minute, and then of course we're gonna finish off with your resourcefulness to bring yourself out of it.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: So let's let's talk about you know, feeling stuck and let's let's do that.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, let's talk about real quick.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, this is all organic, obviously.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just coming up in my head.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, there's nothing left in them.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_02: I'm okay with anything you want to.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, perfect.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_01: So so let's go with, you know, what talk about some of the trauma that you kind of went through, if you will.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: And then we're going to uh talk about how you came out of that again.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: We're talking, we always want to show the darkness so people understand when if they're there, right?
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: And then hey, how do we how do you how what's your success story?
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: So let's start with some of that that trauma of of actually in the the medical services.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_02: Sure.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_02: Well, there's the the trauma, of course, of you know pulling up on murder scenes and you know car wrecks and things like that.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_02: But then there's also in the emergency room, there is the uh we we used to say that at least at least in EMS, you get to drop him off and walk away.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_02: You did your part and you walked away, right?
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_02: Well, in ER, you're dealing with it, right?
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_02: You're for 12 hours.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_02: And so it it's you have more opportunity to personalize people, and I hope that doesn't sound horrible, but you and that's also very dangerous.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_02: So there's this fine line you need to walk between empathy and compassion and performing tasks and jobs, and the danger is that when you you get too empathetic, you put yourself in their shoes, and then you start thinking, how would I feel in that situation?
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_02: You have no business doing that, right?
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_02: You I shouldn't go there, so to speak.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_02: But I still can provide amazing care and concern.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_02: So there's this very delicate balance of between allowing yourself to go to these places and say, if I was there, how would I be feeling?
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_02: And what would make me feel better in that situation?
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_02: And then I do that to help them, the families, feel better.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_02: A lot of times we're more help to the families because their family member is passed or going to pass.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_02: And so you have to be mindful of that.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_02: So, in particular, you know, one of the things in being here in South Texas is that we are dealing with a lot of human trafficking and drug wars and border issues and immigration issues, and you know, tractor trailers that have 50 people in the back that are abandoned alongside the road with no air conditioning, and you know, 40 some people are dead inside, and there's 10 survivors who survived by uh breathing out of tiny holes they found in various parts of the trailer.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_02: You know, those kinds of things, human trafficking, kidnapping people that take other family members hostage and torture them, removing teeth and things like that from them and putting them in mason jars and showing them to the person that was short on drug money, what will happen to them and their kids that go to such and such a school.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_02: So they're revealing that they know where their kids go to school.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, you're standing there as this person is you're you're treating them, and they're you know, I'm trying to step out, and she just reached over and just dug her nails into my arm and just begged me not to leave her alone in the room.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_02: And you see that fear in her eyes and desperation.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, another part is that you know, as a as a man, and as a uh regarding we talk a lot about DNA, but as a man, my instinct is to protect.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_02: So I I wish that the guy was there so that I could do something about it, right?
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_02: And it's not so more reactionary, and that's not a fun place for a man to be in.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_02: And then also there's this tiny little human, you know, who maybe is you know just a couple years old and they've been abused their whole life, and you don't see any light in their eyes, no joy.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_02: All you see is just this empty stare from someone who should be hopping around and excited and getting into everything, but they just lay there, you know.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_02: And you're you see that and you take that in.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_02: And the way I described what eventually ended up happening was to my family was that I felt like that my mom and dad had provided a uh a guard around my heart, and that over time there there was this entity who I later would call the dark passenger from the uh Dexter TV show.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_02: It seemed to fit how I felt about my darkness, but that would hold a rusty chisel and a small hammer, and it was a very small chisel and a small hammer.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_02: And every time I had dealt with something like that or saw it, it was like a small whack on that chisel against that guard of my heart.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_02: And over time it just grew and grew, and then the the guard was gone and the darkness started coming in.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_02: And I, in particular, you know, in the emergency department, and it and and this was a level one trauma center, so it's not you know, it's not just a regular ER.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_02: We're actually getting the worst of the worst, and being here in South Texas, and we also get all the pediatric trauma.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_02: So you're automatically by default getting all the bad stuff that happens to children and in various ways, some of it just accidents, some of it very nefarious and evil.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_02: And so just day after day after day after day after day, 12 hours a day.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, it it gets to if you're worth your salt, it's gonna bother you, right?
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_02: And and uh, you know, uh it it gets to be where you you think that is there any goodness out there?
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_02: Is there any goodness out there?
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_02: And you start to question a lot of things and your beliefs and And and I love the what you would the word that you've used several times, Mike, is you said the word stuck.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_02: And later on we talk about therapy, that was a a key word that kept coming up from my counselor.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_02: And hopefully that answered it.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um it does.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_01: No, it does absolutely.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_01: And and you know, I I I caught myself actually applauding, and it wasn't because of the journey.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, I will applaud the journey because it made you again who you are now, right?
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_01: But it's it was your description of the chisel and chiseling away at your heart until it, you know, there was nothing left.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_01: So wow.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_01: That I actually have a little emotional just hearing that story.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_01: So it's it's a lot, man.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_02: You're when you're there, when you're there when a child takes their last breath, right?
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_02: Everybody's worked so hard.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_02: And I specifically ran three flights of stairs up, sprinted down the long hallway to the blood bank.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_02: Make a hole, make a hole.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_02: And you're running, and your stethoscope is flying, and you're you're you grab it and you're holding it in your hands, and people are jumping out of your way as you're sprinting down the hallway to go to the blood bank because they're taking too long.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_02: And you grab it yourself and you go running right sprinting down the hallway, people dodging again, and you're taking the steps five at a time, down three flights upstairs to the bottom floor, and you run into the code room, and they're still doing CPR on these two little twin, these two little sisters that are eight and three years old, both having CPR at the same time from a drunk driver who hit their minivan.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_02: And you hand off the blood, and your your shoes are sticking in the blood as you walk, make suction sounds on the floor, and that heavy iron smell is in the is in the air.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, the the doctors, they don't, nobody wants to quit, you know.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_02: But there comes a point where the doctor looks up and makes that, as I describe it in this this book that I would later write, the doctor makes that fateful turn of the head towards the clock, that old faithful clock that keeps on ticking.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_02: And Mace says time of death.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_02: And then you you divert your attention to the younger daughter and the younger sister, and they both pass side by side.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, your thing that people don't think about, you know, in EMS, you get to drop them off and you go back out with your stretcher and you clean off your stretcher, and you have a lot of trauma that you're dealing with there, yeah, just from what you saw at the house, and you're dealing with family who are screaming and destitute, and they're hopeless, and they've lost hope.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_02: And that that scream that you hear, you'll never forget when you hear that scream.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_02: And so they've dealt with all that, they clean it up, and then for their part, they have to act like it nothing happened.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_02: You know, where we go, let's go, let's go have something to eat.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_02: And they you know, you got your dark humor, which kind of gets you by.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and then you've got the ER people now who've got it, but then in our and then in their in their experience is they're receiving it and they're trying to desperately trying to save, in particular, these little girls.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_02: And then the time comes when you realize you're gonna have to turn over to death, yeah, that death wins.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_02: And then, and a lot of people don't think about this in the DER department.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_02: Then we have to clean them, clean their bodies because their family's gonna want to come and view them.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_02: So that means sticking them to a private room, moving them off the stretchers which are too bloody, wiping them down, cleaning the brains out of their hair and and whatnot, and getting their bodies presentable.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_02: And that sometimes means going and grabbing your own brush from your locker and brushing these little girls' hair.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_02: And you're something that their mom and dad did night after night after night after a bath and a shower and before school.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_02: And you're doing it for the very last time that they're gonna have their hair brushed.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, those kinds of things really start if you let it will start to eat at you.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I I I don't care how strong your Y is, that'll still eat at you.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_02: For sure.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and everybody I've talked to, you know, the patterns are the same, the stories are different, of course, but it's the same.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_01: And it especially children, right?
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's harder.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, there's always the ones that stick with you.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I've talked to a lot of the EMS people and doctors and again veterans, all the stuff, and those are the ones that that stick.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I I know that scream that you talked about from my own life, you know, it's it's I'm sorry, not something you want to hear, you know, but you you move forward at some point.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_01: You grieve, don't get me wrong, you do all those things, but you move forward.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk about that if we can.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_01: So we're gonna if you're okay, we're gonna run about five minutes over.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_01: Is that okay for you?
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, let's that's good.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_01: So we've we let's let's go into what were some of the skills, some of the things that you did to move from the darkness what you saw, the crack on the light.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_02: Before we do that, Mike, can we talk really just very quickly about how it manifests, maybe?
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_02: Please in people?
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_02: And and so what happened to me was a loss of joy, a loss of wanting to hang out.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_02: I want people, and maybe their relatives that are listening, or people that are listening that have a relative.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_02: I want you to be able to see signs.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_02: And one of those is that you no longer do things that you used to enjoy.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_02: Like I used to always go see the movies, go to the movies with friends and hang out at the movies.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_02: Used to enjoy going hiking and camping with friends and family.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_02: I no longer wanted to do that.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't rather have just been alone all of a sudden, suddenly.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_02: Also, another big tell for me, uh Mike, was that I my anger didn't match the setting.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_02: It was it was overblown and it came out of seemingly nowhere.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_02: And it didn't match, in other words, if if something was spilled yelling and and making a big deal about it and and and and possibly draw drawing it uh angrily and and tossing the towel.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_02: Whereas any other time I would have known that you everybody spills something and nothing, right?
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_02: You just clean it up and then you manage it.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_02: No problem.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, let's go.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_02: It was just anger that didn't match the settings.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_02: And those are the big tells in my life.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, and thank you for bringing this up, Dennis.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think it's very important that people see the pattern because if you don't see it yourself and your and or your family members, sometimes you stay stuck in the sub.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_01: And and and the first thing is the the realization that you're in this pen cycle.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_01: So that you can work yourself out of it.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_01: So let's thank you, truly thank you for bringing that up.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's absolutely vital that people hear that and know that.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so if you can now if you've realized this is perfect, you realized, hey, I'm I'm I'm stuck in the suck.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_01: What do I do to get out of it?
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so and uh something very important is that is is surround yourself with good people and surround yourself with your family loves you, hopefully.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_02: Most of us, 95% of us have family that or people, friends that care about you and love you.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_02: Surround yourself with people that care about you because a lot of times they'll be able to tell you that you're off course and you're not doing well.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_02: And you need to realize that the only reason that they're saying that is because they absolutely love you.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_02: And there's they have no skin in the game other than the fact that they absolutely love you and they want you to do well, and they want you to be involved with going to birthday parties and family outings and going to weddings and and this and that and fun things and things that are bright and and joyous.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_02: And it's okay to uh to uh watch a funny movie, a comedy, even though you're feeling like you don't really want to laugh.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_02: So surrounding yourself with good people, and in my own case, on my last day, my last time there involved me being overly angry at a computer malfunction that led to a piece of equipment that we used to draw blood, uh print labels malfunctioning, and everything just seemed to be malfunctioning, and including myself, and I ended up punching the computer screen at work, something that I had never done before.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_02: I had never like you can go to my house, there's no holes in the walls.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_02: It's like uh it was very uncharacteristic.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_02: And so when that happened, I immediately went to the director, uh Miriam, and I said, Boss, I just punched the computer screen.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_02: Can you please take it out of my paycheck?
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_02: And she didn't even acknowledge it.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_02: She said, How's your hand?
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_02: And I says, My hand's fine.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, How are you?
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_02: And I just started to weep.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_02: And I wasn't gonna lie anymore.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, I'm not good, boss.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_02: And she's like, she called in one of our EMS uh liaisons, uh Lee, and he drove me to my doctor.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_02: And and and if you're and for those of you out there, if you work in a doctor office, and I know how busy those are, and you're sitting at the com at the reception desk.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_02: When I walked up to her, she had a waiting room full of people that had actually had appointments.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_02: And she looked at me and I said, I don't have an appointment.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_02: My doctor is here, my name is Dennis Blocker, and I fear that I may not survive the night.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_02: She said, I'll get you back right now to her credit.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_02: So that's the way I mention it is no matter how busy you are, stay like care about your people.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_02: I'm so thankful to her.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_02: I wish I knew her name, but I'm so thankful to her.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_02: And then that started me on.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_02: So I had great family, I had a great leadership, and I had folks that cared, and they started me on the process of getting better.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_02: And what that looked like for me was that I've never been a guy to depend on medications for things.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_02: I like to just handle things on my own.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want to be bound to meds and feeling weird and down and impotent and all this other stuff.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_02: So uh, you know, I tried to avoid it.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_02: But then this being at the bottom there, I said, Well, what I'm doing isn't working, obviously.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_02: And so let me get help.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_02: And my boss fortunately said, get help.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_02: So she made me go with Lee, who drove me to my doctor because she wasn't buying my bull crap that I was gonna go eventually.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_02: And I walked to the doctor, and so they started me on uh one medication that would allow me to sleep because I was having nightmares continuously, and one medication that kept me from dreaming.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_02: And then another medication to kind of bring down the uh anxiety and distress that I was continuously feeling.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_02: So over and then that combined with a CPT program, cognitive processing therapy, where I was introduced to the concept of stuck points.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_02: And she had me write about the the worst day of uh one of the worst experiences that was stuck in my brain, keyword.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_02: And she had me write a page about it.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_02: It ended up being three pages, and she went through it and had me highlight what I would later find out were stuck points.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_02: Stuck points, things that I believed about the incident that were based on emotion and not reality.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_02: An example of that was if she had her seatbelt on, she would have survived.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_02: How do you know she would have survived, Dennis?
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_02: How do you know that even if she had a seatbelt on that she would have survived?
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_02: How do you know that, for instance, she says, and I feel like this is going down the direction that you think life isn't fair?
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_02: In which she said, Who gave you the concept that life is fair?
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_02: Life is unfeeling, it has no opinion at all about what happens to anybody.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_02: It just is.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_02: There's free will out there.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_02: So the drunk driver has free will to drive while drunk.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_02: The family has free will to not buckle up their daughter who has been crying and and and and obnoxious and they're just don't want to deal with it anymore.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_02: So fine, just just sit still and combine together, you have this event that is not your fault, Dennis.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_02: And you absolutely did you do everything you could have done to save her.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, absolutely.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, then where what are you doing?
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_02: What are you doing with this weight that's not that this young girl didn't ask you to carry?
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_02: The parents didn't ask you to carry that.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_02: Why are you carrying that?
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_02: So that Mike, that immediately I felt in this first couple sessions, I literally felt weight come off my shoulders.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_02: And I learned in that CPT therapy.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_02: And it it just immediately, and that's why now I tell EM EMT and medics and nurses and docs, like first thing off the bat is get a counselor.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_02: You don't even need them right now, but just get them lined up and just go once a month for a neat for a self-check.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, for God's sake, we would do quality control checks on our glucometers every morning.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_02: We would do quality control checks on our defibrillators every morning to make sure they were functioning properly for the shift.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_02: Why would we not do quality control checks on ourselves?
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_02: It makes no sense at all.
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you said so many amazing things there, and unfortunately, we're so beyond time.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_01: But I want to just say one thing is if that one event and you asking for help changed your life.
• 35:42
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_01: And by you speaking about it, it changes how many other lives?
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_01: It's it it's not a ripple effect, it's a tsunami effect, you know.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you for sharing that.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_01: And and again, that that one choice, that one the one choice you did, right?
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_01: You just talked about it, you know, you did it yourself.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_01: Punch the thing, but you also then went and told somebody and didn't just leave.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_01: And that lady is what also changed the game.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_01: For sure.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_01: Because she knew how to handle it and cared enough and didn't just brush it and not care, you know, brush it under the rug, and you know, don't worry about it.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_01: Are you okay?
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_01: And bye, you know, go ahead, tent yourself, whatever the case may be.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_01: She followed through and did all the right things that kept you on that track.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_01: So kudos to her, and I hope she reaches out to you or reaches out to us and we'll connect you, or whatever the case may be.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_01: Uh that would be fantastic.
• 36:35
  SPEAKER_01: So, with that said, I'm gonna, we're just gonna go with the three final tips to help the veterans and high achievers and their families for that matter get further faster.
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe you can include some.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_01: You already dropped some amazing tips.
• 36:47
  SPEAKER_01: So maybe you can include some of the the tips that again how to pulled you into where you are now.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, swallow your pride, don't be a martyr, and freaking get help, you know, and don't be a martyr.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes that that sadness gets to be comfortable, and then people feel bad for you, and you like that that show of sympathy that you get from being Eeyore all the time.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_02: And it's like, don't be a martyr, get help, get better.
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's called second, it's called secondary gain.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I love the way you put that.
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_02: Don't recluse.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_02: If you don't recluse, that's dangerous.
• 37:27
  SPEAKER_02: Very, very dangerous.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_02: If you can imagine you're sitting there a recluse, and there is a a demon with his finger in your skull, just swirling it around in your brain with these thoughts how you're not worth anything, and your family would be better off without you, which is all freaking lies.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_02: Don't recluse and realize that you're not alone.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_02: Even if you feel like you are, you're not.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_02: There are people that care about you, even if you maybe your mom and dad have passed, maybe you don't have siblings.
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_02: I guarantee you, if you're a good human and you're worth your salt, there are people, co-workers, friends, people that you hang out with that really do care, that you can call and say, Hey, I'm not doing good, I need to talk.
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_02: And it could be the middle of the night, and they'll be there for you.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_02: Um, don't recall, get out of here.
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_01: I know that as well, because here's I'm just gonna go a little further.
• 38:21
  SPEAKER_01: That's where suicide comes from, guys.
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_01: That's the slow path to suicide.
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_01: So take that step, create that support system, quick, find your tribe, reach out to us, reach out to Dennis, whatever the case may be.
• 38:33
  SPEAKER_01: You have people that care.
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_02: That's right.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_01: Amen.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and if you think opposite et it's fly, it's not true.
• 38:39
  SPEAKER_01: It is.
• 38:39
  SPEAKER_01: It is.
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_01: And then do you have a third for us?
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_01: Actually, that's kind of kind of all that worked, but those are two great ones.
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_02: Don't recluse and realize you're not alone.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you.
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_01: Those are phenomenal tips.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_01: Can you give us how many people reach out to you?
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_01: And then we're gonna just close up with uh what you're what you're doing now with the cause.
• 39:03
  SPEAKER_02: Sure.
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_02: I'm on I'm on Facebook with my name, Dennis Blocker, and also I've got my email for I've got a website from my my books that I've written.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, I only write nonfiction, and then I wrote about my experiences.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_02: There's a doctor up in California, Dr.
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_02: Patricia Bay, who prescribes my book uh to her PTSD patients.
• 39:24
  SPEAKER_02: The book is called Clear, and it's on Amazon.
• 39:27
  SPEAKER_02: If you go to blockerbooks.com, you'll see the books there.
• 39:31
  SPEAKER_02: And blockerbooks.com.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_02: And yeah, I'm on Facebook.
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_02: I've got a great nonprofit World War II preservation that has nothing to do with what we're well, I guess kind of in a way it would, but what you're doing now, man, it's brought you out of the light, you're doing something cool.
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_01: So let's mention it.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it's called Conservators of the Greatest Generation.
• 39:49
  SPEAKER_02: And it's something that I developed with a buddy of mine who, over the past couple decades, we interviewed hundreds of World War II veterans, and it gave us the idea for this nonprofit.
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_02: And uh we preserve their stories and their histories.
• 40:00
  SPEAKER_02: And it turns out 90% of Americans have a connection to a direct connection to a World War II veteran.
• 40:06
  SPEAKER_02: So that's a great client pool to have 90% of the country.
• 40:10
  unknown: Right.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_02: So that's pretty awesome.
• 40:13
  SPEAKER_01: But uh it's fantastic.
• 40:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I I I think it's important you mention that because it does connect with everything we do.
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_01: So amen, man.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_01: Keep up the good work, uh, Dennis.
• 40:23
  SPEAKER_01: You know, thank you so much for being on the show today.
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_01: Hard, hard subjects, right?
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_01: But they need to be talked about.
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_01: The conversations need to happen so that people also understand how you find the lightning.
• 40:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, sir.
• 40:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's super important.
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_01: So, with that said, again, you know, time is the most precious resource we have as human beings.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_01: We don't get it back.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_01: So very grateful that you're on today and sharing your story and uh some amazing tips and thoughts.
• 40:49
  SPEAKER_01: So really appreciate it.
• 40:50
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you, Mike.
• 40:51
  SPEAKER_02: I appreciate what you do.
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_01: All right, and we're thank you, and we are out of here.
• 40:57
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for joining us on another insightful journey of Your Thoughts, your reality podcast with your host, Michael Cole.
• 41:04
  SPEAKER_00: We hope the conversation sparked some thoughts that resonate with you.
• 41:08
  SPEAKER_00: To dive deeper into empowering your thoughts and enhancing your reality, visit EmpowerPerformance Strategies.com.
• 41:15
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, your thoughts make your realities, so make them count.
• 41:20
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, stay inspired and keep creating the reality you desire.
• 41:25
  SPEAKER_00: Catch you on the next episode.