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S2E29 - Blended Families and Big Gaps: Parenting with Play Therapy Principles · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give
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  you insight awareness and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode, I am answering a question from Deborah in Florida.
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  Hello to a fellow Floridian
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  and her question is about blended families. Number one,
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  about having two children in varying stages of development
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  and therefore responding to
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  play therapy approach differently
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  and also about some screen time and also about birth order.
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  So it's kind of a four for one kind of scenario here.
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  But Deborah, thank you so much for emailing me. Thank you for the question.
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  Thanks for
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  processing this with us.
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  And if you all have questions as well, I'd love to hear from you,
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  brenna@thekidcounselor.com
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  All right. So I'm going to read parts of Deborah's email and then I will
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  share some thoughts and we'll talk about this together.
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  I'm a recent addition to listening to your podcast,
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  but you've come to our church a couple of times
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  and spoken to us about the dangers of screens.
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  I'm writing to you to gain a little more
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  insight as I'm new to the play therapy approach.
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  I have two kids, both sons.
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  My oldest is 11 and my youngest is four.
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  My oldest has been hard to get used to
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  the play therapy approach because he has a more mature
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  demeanor and it has been easy over the years to talk to him a little more like an adult.
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  I came into his life when he was four and until he was six,
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  he was an only child between both households.
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  We have an agreement with his mom that he is
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  over there every weekend with his two younger siblings.
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  Now, four and five
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  and his step brother also four.
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  He's also at his grandparents' house at least two nights
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  a week due to my husband's and my work schedules
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  with the constant flux of homes and different rules.
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  It feels like an uphill climb trying to
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  implement pillars such as choices and limit setting.
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  What would be a way I can approach this knowing even though
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  he may act more maturely that he doesn't quite have abstract reasoning
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  and knowing that rules and limits change in the other homes.
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  So there's more to the email.
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  But let me pause there and we'll address what's been processed so far.
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  So first and foremost,
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  and this is helpful for all of you for all of you
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  that have children that go back and forth between two households and,
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  or even if you
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  are questioning, well, how am I going to implement rules that
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  are unique to play therapy in the home.
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  When anywhere else,
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  the child's not going to hear those same approaches and phrases and, and limits.
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  Here's what's really helpful to know
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  kids very
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  innately understand that rules change based on the environment.
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  So a really simple explanation for this is,
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  does your child expect that the same rules that they have to follow
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  at school are the exact same rules as are in your home?
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  Do they expect that when they go to karate
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  or baseball practice or whatever extracurricular activity they do
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  that the rules there are going to carry over to school or home.
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  And the answer is no,
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  they never think there's universality in rules because they understand
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  that every person has a different set of rules,
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  meaning whatever person is in authority,
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  every environment has a different set of rules
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  and the circumstances have different set of rules.
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  And therefore
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  it's helpful to keep that in mind when dealing
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  with other environments that are not predictable or consistent.
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  So, Deborah to answer that specific question,
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  let me share two thoughts first and foremost,
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  if you can get
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  grandparents and mom
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  to at least
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  try to implement some of the same strategies,
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  share the things that you are using
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  at your home
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  and say here's what I've been doing.
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  It would be really helpful if you use the same language.
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  Listen to this podcast, watch this video, read this article,
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  this is what we're trying to implement and if
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  we can co parent and we can have similar strategies
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  that will be most helpful for him.
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  So that's my first thought.
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  Now, obviously, we only have control over us, not others.
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  So if they choose not to, it is what it is,
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  you can still implement choices and limits in your home because
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  he will not expect there to be universality in those limits.
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  And then
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  my second thought is
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  as you are navigating with a more mature child, 11 is more mature.
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  And as an only for a while and now as an oldest,
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  he's going to be more mature, he's been parent
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  and therefore we know that he is going to be more verbal, more cognitive.
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  He still does not have abstract reasoning though.
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  You mentioned that so high five for being aware,
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  we need to be mindful that
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  as a child even is in the 11, 12 range,
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  we can have more conversations
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  but limits and choices don't change.
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  The phrasing is exactly the same for a three year old as it is for an 11 year old.
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  The pushback that comes from an 11 year old and a three year old,
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  they may look completely different,
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  but we get pushed back from all ages sometimes.
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  So Deborah just know that it will work even with an 11 year old,
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  know that it will work even if it's just in
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  your home or if you can get everyone else on board
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  that would be ideal.
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  Ok, let me continue reading
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  with my youngest. I'm wondering if I may be trying to change too much, too fast.
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  Shortly after hearing a few of your early episodes,
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  I started reflecting feelings and giving choices.
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  He is more often than making
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  sorry. He is more often not making the choice
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  to not choose even when he doesn't like the outcome of not choosing.
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  All right. So that is resistance.
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  And if the only thing that you've done is reflect feelings,
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  that is just helpful. So
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  I would continue to do that consistently with both of your kids.
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  And as far as providing choices go if he's bucking, that's a power grab.
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  So if he's choosing not to choose, even when he doesn't like that,
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  then that means you choose for him
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  that is a power grab pure and simple.
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  You stick to choices and then you reflect his
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  feelings that he wishes he would have chosen.
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  So let me walk you through that.
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  You say you can choose to have broccoli or you can choose to have carrots for dinner,
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  which do you choose
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  nothing?
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  You really don't want to choose either, but that's not part of the choice.
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  The choices are broccoli or carrots, which do you choose, nothing?
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  So you go through that three times, then you say if you choose not to choose,
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  you choose for me to choose for you, he says nothing or he or he,
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  he literally says the word nothing or he says nothing,
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  meaning no words come out of his mouth
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  or he runs off into another room or he says ice cream or some other random thing
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  you say you've chosen for me to choose for you and then you
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  choose whichever one if you're really in the mood for glazed carrots,
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  then that's what you're choosing for dinner.
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  And then when you sit down for dinner and he says no, I didn't want carrots.
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  Then you reflect his feelings. Mm
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  You're disappointed
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  that there's carrots for dinner.
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  You chose for me to choose when you chose not to choose, but you can choose next time.
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  I'm not eating carrots.
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  You really are frustrated because you don't really
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  like carrots but you chose not to choose.
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  So you chose for me to choose for you,
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  but you can try to choose next time
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  and you just validate, reiterate again and again and again. Broken record.
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  Here's what will happen.
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  He becomes conditioned to realize
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  I do not like having no control.
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  And here's the irony.
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  He's grasping at power and control by not choosing
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  and then choosing to lose all power and control
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  in an attempt to gain power and control.
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  Do you see the endless crazy cycle of that?
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  He won't see that and understand that. But that's for your awareness.
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  That's where he is.
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  It's a power grab and then a power loss. So then it just starts all over again.
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  But what will happen is
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  I really hated having carrots last time.
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  So I'm gonna choose broccoli next time and he will choose so
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  stick with it. Deborah. I promise it works.
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  Ok.
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  Let me continue.
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  I have seen a difference in his behavior on
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  days when he gets screens compared to days.
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  He doesn't,
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  I strive to keep him off screens as much as possible,
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  finding other outlets to connect with him or let him just be a kid and play.
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  But he sees his brother doing
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  this
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  and wants to do what he's doing such as be on a phone or an ipad.
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  Much to my dismay, my oldest's mom bought him a phone with internet access.
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  How can I address that?
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  Because my oldest has two moms and two homes and he
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  has different rules that apply differently to him than my youngest.
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  All right, kind of tricky.
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  But here's the most effective way to handle that.
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  You're going to limit screen time at your house.
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  You don't have control over screen time anywhere else,
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  but you do have control over screen time at your house.
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  So you're going to limit it for an 11 year old. It should be an hour and a half or so a day
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  and that's across all devices.
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  So that's movies, TV, shows video games,
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  phone, ipad
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  doesn't matter if it's a screen that counts for time.
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  So an hour and a half should be his time cap per day and because your youngest
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  is in your home witnessing this and then
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  wanting to duplicate what his older brother does.
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  I think you set limits
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  about his screen time is not in front of your younger son.
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  In other words,
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  ok, you're choosing to have your hour and a half. Now,
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  if you choose to play video games or if you choose to be
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  on your phone or if you choose to whatever he's doing technologically,
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  you choose to do it in your room. So your younger brother doesn't see you
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  or you choose to do it when your younger brother is playing with his friends,
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  or you choose to do it when he's taking a nap or
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  whatever the scenario is where your youngest will not
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  witness that he's in front of a screen.
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  That would be the limit that
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  I would set there.
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  And then your final question in regards to birth order.
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  I'm wondering if, because the age gap between the boys is seven years,
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  if that resets the birth order,
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  giving my youngest qualities of both an only or an oldest being that he's my oldest,
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  but still the youngest.
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  And I know that's complicated, but I know what you're trying to say.
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  So the short answer is yes.
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  As soon as you reach a five
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  year gap in between children, birth order essentially resets and creates hybrids.
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  So essentially what you're describing is your oldest
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  is
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  an only/oldest hybrid.
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  Your youngest
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  is an only/youngest hybrid
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  because
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  there's a, there's a seven year gap between yours.
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  So birth order roles essentially reset because of that big
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  of a distance in between the ages of kids.
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  And
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  if you don't know much about birth order,
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  it's something I'm really passionate about.
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  So,
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  birth order is really fascinating and your children's personalities
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  are largely dictated by their order in the family.
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  So that's I spoke about that when I spoke at the church.
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  And so Deborah's referencing the birth order comment there,
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  Deborah, really thank you so much for the email. I hope that this encourages you.
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  I hope it's helpful. I hope that all of you found it helpful.
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  And if you have questions, struggles, if you would just like to say hello,
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  if you would like to pose a scenario and we'll all talk about it together.
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  The, the parenting podcast is really, really growing.
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  There are so many new listeners all the time.
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  By the way, if you're new to the podcast family, welcome. We're so glad you're here.
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  This is a play therapy based parenting approach to give you
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  confidence and competence in your parenting and in your relationship.
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  So
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  I'm really excited to have you.
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  Thank you for recommending this to your
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  friends and family members and coworkers and
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  all the people in your spheres of influence.
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  The, the parenting podcast has really taken off and I'm really grateful for that.
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  I also do have a clinical podcast for therapists. So there's a lot of crossover.
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  I know that.
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  So a lot of therapists listen and listen to the
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  parenting and a lot of parents listen to the therapist.
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  So
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  I
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  it's kind of a, a both and, but just wanted to say, I really glad you're here.
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  Thank you for being a part of the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast family.
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  We'll talk again soon. Bye.
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  Thank you for listening
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  to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks
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  for more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter.
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  Please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.