Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep9: Inside Her Mind/ What Your Wife Really Thinks 🤣

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S2 Ep9: Inside Her Mind/ What Your Wife Really Thinks 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_04: You know, I met my husband and I fell in love with him.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_04: I mean, and I'm just gonna tell you, I love, love, love my husband.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_04: I'm not embarrassed to tell you, I love that man, right?
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_04: And I only tell you that because the sh I'm about to say.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_04: Just because you love someone doesn't mean you don't see them exactly who they are.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_04: Because on paper, if you set us up, we're a perfect match.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_04: I told you I'm 100% Sicilian.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_04: He's first generation Italian boy from Brooklyn, right?
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_04: We we're like, we should be perfect, but we're not.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_04: Because you want to know why?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_04: He is the nicest guy on the planet, he has the hope of a 14-year-old girl.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_04: Right?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_04: He believes everything is possible, and it is my job as a good wife to crush that.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_04: You are never gonna be a 47-year-old American idol contestant.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_04: Get that shit right out of your head.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_02: Ridiculous.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_04: On paper, we're a perfect match.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_04: Real life, not so much.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_04: Didn't matter when we were dating that he's messy and I'm clean.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_04: Crazy clean.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_04: Admittedly, I have a problem.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_04: I'm OCD.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_04: I watch hoarders and clean during commercials.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_04: Because I'm afraid a dead goat's gonna fall through the television under 22 years worth of newspapers, and I will just burn the house down.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_04: That's what I will think.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_04: That's a very telling thing to be clean.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_04: My grandmother was crazy clean.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_04: Wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, come back, your bed and be made.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_04: She'd be at you.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_04: You messy! You and the cockeye, so messy.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_04: Scots you so messy.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_04: It's 2 30 in the morning, woman.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_04: I know, you hungry.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I could eat.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_04: I could eat.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_04: Whatever.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_04: We're just different in real life.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_04: It didn't matter when we were dating.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_04: It didn't matter that I have a master's degree and he has a GED.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_04: Not just a GED, he's got two because he sent away for an extra copy.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_04: Because it's a double major.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_04: It only matters now because uh we have our kid.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_04: Our son is four years old, right?
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_04: I want to send him to preschool.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_04: My husband goes, what do you want to do that for?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_04: For that, right there.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_04: How about that?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_04: Exhibit A.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_04: Huh?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_04: I gotta put a little purple berrette up here.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_04: What do you want?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_04: I'm gonna stake my case.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_04: It's insane.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_04: We're you know, and it if you find it funny, trust me and believe me that it will find you.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_04: Because when I go to sign my four-year-old for preschool, I happen to find the one preschool in our area that not only do you have to fill out an application, you have to write an essay.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_04: To get a child into preschool, an essay.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_04: And I'm gonna tell you something.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_04: If my essay can't get my son into that preschool, I will get an essay.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_04: I will get a Mexican gang member to terrorize that school boy.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_04: Four-year-old is getting into that school.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_04: I took it way too seriously.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_04: I was a student for too long.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_04: I wanted to write this beautiful essay.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_04: I got so nervous the deadline was coming up.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_04: My husband goes, I'll write it.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_04: No.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_04: Not only will he not get in, we'll lose custody.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_04: Not happening.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: My husband is very smart and very quiet and an introvert and does very well and um uh and then married Matty, and and we've been exactly the opposite, but it has worked.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, he's a big man, he's 6'4, he can kick a door in, and I like that.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um he works like a dog, and he loves a baby.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Let me tell y'all that he is a baby cuddler at Easton City Children's Hospital.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: He cuddles the drug-dependent babies every week of the world as a volunteer.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Oh no, sweet.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't help me with mine.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Cause he was out making a living and paying for all this.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: We got two still in college, and and I wanted a fourth baby so bad when my baby child went to kindergarten.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: I nearly grieved myself to death.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: I thought, Lord, what am I gonna do with all this time on my hands?
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: I hope I don't get hooked on whiskey and start honky-talking.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: And about three weeks into her going to kindergarten, I was like, woohoo! Without somebody sitting on my hand.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: But my husband, when I dropped her off week, he said, meet me at the uh.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because he knows that pancakes get me through a hard time.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I was crying, and I said, I want another baby.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, Why don't you get a job?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we're like, I said, I want a fourth baby, and he said, Y'all are stuck in the financial life out of me.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: So he bought me a dachshund.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: I had that dachshund for years, she's gone now, but let me tell you, she and I both got thyroid issues.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: She had cushions.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: I was walking her in our neighborhood one day, and a little girl came out in her driveway and she said, Can I pitch your grand home?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Oh y'all.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: So about my husband.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: All right, so my husband is a big man and is 6'4.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm 5'8, we breed big kids, and um, and we wanted them to be in sports and when they were growing up, and so we made them do all kinds of mess they didn't want to do.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: And we put our boy, when he was a little bitty, we put him in t-ball.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: He hated it.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I don't know if any of y'all have had a baby play T-ball, but for those of you who don't know, T-ball season, it's about 110 degrees outside.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's little children that are four, look like they've got a diaper on under their baseball pants or a pull-up.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the games last about three hours.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody ever hits the ball, throws the ball, catches the ball, makes contact with the ball.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: My baby laid in a fetal position in the outfield the entire season.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: He never touched the ball.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Every once in a while he'd pop his little head up and say, One game it was so hot, and I tell I told the middle one to go out and take her brother's water bottle.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: She was about two and a half, and she went walking out there with a tutu and a crown and a wand and her pink prostitute she's from Walmart.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: She walked about halfway stubborn, got a glazed look over her eyes, pulled her little panties to the sun and pooped in the table.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: She really did.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I had to run out there and get a stick and flick it into the woods because I didn't want another child to step in it or think it was a milk done.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_03: This guy, I don't know how he grew up.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_03: Like maybe they're on a budget or something.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_03: But like he comes to me the other day, he's like, hey babe, can't use a toothbrush real quick.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_03: I said, what?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_03: Like, that's an option for you.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_03: Like you're thinking about it.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_02: Sack.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_03: He's like, what?
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_03: Just like kissing.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_03: We kiss at the same thing.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_03: I do not scrape off your tartar with my tongue.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I know I'm pretty amazing.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_03: But I'm almost positive I cannot prevent cavities.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_03: My husband likes to leave his shoes right in the middle of a walkway.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_03: Like as soon as you open the door, boom, shoes.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_03: Now you couldn't kick them off to the side, but that was hard to do.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_03: So all throughout the house I just trip over shoes, like, oh you slutty dog.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_03: We're still real new, so like I still try to look cute when I sleep.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_03: I'll probably grow out of that one real quick.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_03: But right now I still try to look cute, right?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_03: But it's kind of hard because I sleep with invisalign trays in my mouth.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_03: So sometimes when I wake up, my lip will get stuck to the plastic tray.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_03: I wake up looking like fire marshal bear.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_03: Like full on, let me show you a shanty.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_03: Face will be all greasy.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_03: That's not cute.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_03: So when I feel myself starting to wake up, like I'll fix my lip real quick.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_03: I put grease on my lip like it's glass.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_03: Make it work.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_03: Make it work.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_03: We're pretty good with decision making, right?
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_03: Like he'll come to me with stuff, I'll come to him with stuff, like teamwork, you know.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_03: But uh every now and then he'll try to go off and do his own thing.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_03: Like uh recently we just bought some curtains for the house, and I told him, I said, when you're at the store, take a picture of him and send it to me before you buy it, right?
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_03: But he forgot that part.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_03: So I came home to these gaudy Armenian curtains hanging in my house that are like two feet too short.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_03: I got high water curtains.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_03: And the first thing my brother came over the house, he's like, uh, why you got capri pan curtains?
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_03: My husband and I travel a lot for work.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_03: He travels with the music, I travel with jokes, and sometimes we'll go to like some small town, like nobody has ever heard of this town, like these people haven't even heard of their own town.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_03: And when you fly to a small town, you have to fly on a small plane.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_03: And uh I went to a town recently where the plane I was on, I don't even think it had an engine.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_03: I'm pretty sure it was a paper plane.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_03: Like it just had two propellers out front.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_03: Like, as you step onto the plane, you had to take a turn spinning the propeller.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_03: Like, is the price is right?
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_03: I checked my seat assignment, it says shotgun.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_03: They had one flight attendant, and she's wearing regular clothes and a name tag.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_03: Like real suspicious.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_03: And I fly a lot, so I'm used to the way things work on an airplane, right?
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_03: I'm used to the announcements they make.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_03: Like, flight attendants, prepare for landing.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_03: I'm used to hearing that kind of stuff, right?
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_03: But on this plane, we got a different announcement.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_03: It sounded more like Stephanie, we're coming in.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_03: Stephanie.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_03: What's this?
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_03: A family-owned plane.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_03: Stephanie, if you need any more of that potato salad you made for the church picnic last week, you bring it on up to the cockpit.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_03: Potana salad.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: I don't feel like that.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: I've got to say, the best part about being married to someone so freaking hot, you know, aside from the crippling fear that he will leave me.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: No, you guys, it's a real thing, and it's a relatively new thing as well.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: See, we've been together for like 16 years.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: So when I was 21, we got together.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: And you saw him, it's not hard.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: But when we met 16 years ago, I was like, hey, yeah, baby, yeah, I'll do whatever you want.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: I might even initiate it.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: And let's try it in the club restroom.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I might even try it sideways.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: Alrighty.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: Now I'm like, oh, I probably won't.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: No, I haven't got a headache.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: I just don't want to.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I know.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I know when we were out with your friends having drinks, and I was like, yeah, when we get home, I'm gonna do all this stuff.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: Now that we're home, definitely won't.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not even drunk enough just to lie here and let you do it yourself.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: And he is excellent.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's really fun now as well because you know, more people know about him, which is my own stupid fault because I'm the fool that introduced all of you to him.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: So I panic when he leaves the house on his own.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, where are you going?
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: Just to get milk.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's like you just asked me to go and get milk, and I'm like, ah.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, um, uh put a shirt on.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: I've got a shirt on, but put another shirt on, put two fing shirts on, and put a really loose one on, go and get one of mine.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:23
  unknown: Yeah.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: And then don't don't go alone.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: Take the kids.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, take the kids.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, all of them.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: Take the two that came tearing out of me, and the two that you brought into this fing relationship.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like all of the kids.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: And put on some rollerblades.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: No one's gonna want to f you if you're rollerblading.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: Click, click.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, kids, she's lost a f mind.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, he's a good man.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's fun though, I get messages from people congratulating me on being with someone as hot as him.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_01: Girl, your husband is hard as hell.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_01: My congratulations to ya.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: I reckon she probably runs like that.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: I have a fear.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: I have a genuine fear.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: I worry that we are an uneven couple.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_01: You know those mismatched couples where you look and go, How the f did that happen?
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: I worry.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: Is this us?
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: Is that me with an Olsen?
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not a good cook.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_03: And it's kind of embarrassing because I feel like cooking is a bragging right for men.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_03: Like, men like to brag about their wives who can cook.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_03: Like, you'll hear a guy say something like, hey, my wife, she'll whip you up something good in the kitchen.
• 16:55
  unknown: Right?
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_03: Fellas, even if you're not married, but you have a girlfriend and you know that she can cook, you will brag to your boys.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_03: You'll be like, hey, yo, son, my girl, flicker the flicker the wrist.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_03: Or however you talk, I don't know how you talk, so my poor husband.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_03: He can't brag.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_03: Like maybe he can chime in a little bit with, like, aye, yo, son, you see how fast my wife put in that to go order?
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_03: With extra ketchup?
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_03: That's wifey, son.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_03: I can't cook.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_03: I need somebody to teach me how to cook.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_03: And don't just give me a recipe, okay?
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_03: Don't start tweeting me recipes after the show.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_03: Because when I read recipes, I read them as suggestions.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_03: Like when I see the list of ingredients, to me, what that says is, if you have any of these.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_03: And I usually don't.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_03: No, I need some fundamental training.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_03: I need to know if I put something on the stove, does the flame need to be this big or this big?
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_03: Because I will burn some scramble eggs.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_03: I'll burn a hard-boiled egg.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_03: I said to my husband one time, I said, babe, good morning.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_03: You want me to make you breakfast?
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_03: I'll make you some eggs.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_03: He said, Yeah, how about over medium?
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_03: Huh?
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_03: How about some over medium eggs?
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_03: That's like the flame at medium.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_03: Nah, babe, you put the egg in the pan, you make it medium.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_03: Oh.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I'm gonna put the egg in the pan.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_03: But if it breaks, I'm just gonna scramble it.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_03: You're gonna have some medium scramble.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_03: Some way over medium scramble.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_03: It was his birthday.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_03: I said, babe, happy birthday.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_03: You want me to make you breakfast?
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_03: He said, It's my birthday.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_03: Why?
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_03: It's to the point where if I cook, he thinks he's in trouble.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_03: He smells something in the kitchen, he comes over, starts apologizing for stuff he didn't even do.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_03: He's like, Oh, uh, babe, um, I'm sorry, because uh yesterday I was um why?
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_03: Don't worry, this isn't for you.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my god.