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Meltdowns, Tantrums and Big Feelings: What’s Really Going On? · Get Curious, Not Furious

• 0:00
  Speaker: Get Curious, Not Furious.
• 0:03
  Speaker: Helping parents respond with more calm, connection, and confidence.
• 0:08
  Speaker: You love your child more than anything, and some days they can feel like the hardest person in your life to be around.
• 0:16
  Speaker: I'm Colette, a speech and language therapist, sense maker, and mum of three.
• 0:21
  Speaker: Welcome to Get Curious, Not Furious.
• 0:25
  Speaker: I'm here to help you make sense of your child and what's really happening in those moments that feel out of control.
• 0:32
  Speaker: So you can stop reacting and start understanding what your child really needs from you.
• 0:39
  Speaker: So if you want to get curious instead of furious, keep listening. Meltdowns, tantrums, and big feelings can leave any parent feeling overwhelmed.
• 0:49
  Speaker: In this episode, we'll explore how getting curious about what's going on for your child can help you work out what's really going on and make day-to-day parenting a little bit easier.
• 1:00
  Speaker: We have a phrase in my house: 'It's not about the banana'.
• 1:04
  Speaker: When anyone hears this phrase, what we mean is what the person is really upset about is actually not what it looks like on the surface.
• 1:14
  Speaker: This phrase comes from when my eldest was a little bit over two and his new baby brother w as born, his world had been turned upside down, gone from having mum and dad available, full of connection and attention for two years to all of a sudden mum and dad weren't quite as available as they had been.
• 1:36
  Speaker: Now I know that this is a thing that happens for all our children when there's more than one of them in the house, and new siblings can be really, really disruptive and also bring lots and lots of love and joy.
• 1:50
  Speaker: In future episodes, we'll explore a little bit more how to manage sibling dynamics and sibling relationships.
• 1:56
  Speaker: But this story is about him being upset about a banana that he was eating breaking in half and having a big strong reaction to this.
• 2:07
  Speaker: Now, in that moment, I knew that my two-year-old really wasn't himself.
• 2:12
  Speaker: And so rather than focusing on the broken banana and trying to fix it by giving him a new banana or telling him just to deal with the broken banana, I paused and wondered if maybe what he was really upset about was that mum and dad weren't quite as available as they had been.
• 2:29
  Speaker: Because, understandably, there was his new baby brother to be taken care of.
• 2:34
  Speaker: So I paused and I acknowledged his feelings, could see he was feeling sad.
• 2:39
  Speaker: I didn't try to fix the situation, I didn't try to tell him it would all be okay.
• 2:44
  Speaker: I just said, "I know it's really hard, it's tricky having a new brother", and "I can't help you as much as I used to be able to".
• 2:53
  Speaker: And even though he was only two, I could tell that he really understood, and I could tell this because his tears changed and his tears got deeper, and he looked at me, and as I stayed with him while he was crying, he still stayed with me.
• 3:07
  Speaker: There was eye contact, there were tears, there was understanding.
• 3:10
  Speaker: And after a few minutes, I don't remember how long, the tears eased, and then the tears passed, and he didn't care about the banana anymore.
• 3:19
  Speaker: And we went on with the rest of our day.
• 3:21
  Speaker: And I noticed that after that he was more independent, more back to his usual self.
• 3:30
  Speaker: And that was probably my first real experience of tuning into his feelings, not trying to fix the situation and realizing what a difference it made to get curious about what was really going on beneath the surface.
• 3:45
  Speaker: So it's not about the banana, it never really is.
• 3:50
  Speaker: Now you might be wondering, how did I know that something else was going on?
• 3:54
  Speaker: Probably some instinct, something or a wondering of a different way of doing things.
• 4:00
  Speaker: The 'old me' would probably have responded in a frustrated, annoyed way.
• 4:05
  Speaker: I probably even had the thoughts going through my head, 'Could he just deal with it?
• 4:09
  Speaker: It's just a banana, does it even matter?' If I had added to his frustration and responded in a way that shut down his feelings or told him to stop crying, then I would have really made things worse.
• 4:23
  Speaker: Now you might be thinking that I make it sound really easy.
• 4:27
  Speaker: I will tell you this, I have certainly not always gotten it right, and I still don't, even after 13 and a half years of parenting.
• 4:36
  Speaker: There are times where we, for whatever reason, are not able to tune into what's going on for our child.
• 4:42
  Speaker: Sometimes there isn't the luxury of time to do that because of the busyness of day-to-day parenting, the demands of other siblings, our own needs getting in the way.
• 4:51
  Speaker: And even in those moments where we rush through and we don't tune into their feelings, that's okay.
• 4:57
  Speaker: Our children don't need us to tune into their feelings 100% of the time.
• 5:01
  Speaker: That wouldn't be particularly healthy for them, to always have someone attuned to them 100% of the time.
• 5:08
  Speaker: And that's not how real-life relationships work.
• 5:11
  Speaker: But there's a difference between not being tuned in 100% of the time and not being tuned in at all.
• 5:18
  Speaker: When I haven't gotten it right, usually the escalation of the behavior or the meltdown that continues or the upset that happens is a pretty good signal to me that I'm not quite on the right track with what's going on.
• 5:36
  Speaker: And that's okay.
• 5:38
  Speaker: I always bring myself back to 'I wonder'.
• 5:40
  Speaker: 'I wonder what's going on in this moment', 'I wonder what's going on for me that I'm so triggered', 'I wonder what's going on for my child that's causing them to be so upset'.
• 5:51
  Speaker: When we're checking in with our children about how they might be feeling, it's really important that we don't put words into their mouths or assume that we know how they're feeling.
• 6:01
  Speaker: With our older children, they will tell us if we get it wrong.
• 6:04
  Speaker: I'm sure some of you can think about a moment where you've said to your child, "You're mad" or "You're sad", and they yell back at you, "I'm not mad", or "I'm not sad".
• 6:15
  Speaker: And that's usually because there's something else and we haven't quite landed on what the feeling is, or they're feeling super vulnerable and defensive against those big feelings.
• 6:26
  Speaker: However they respond, if we can stay in a space of curiosity and wondering about what might be going on, then that will lead to us being able to figure out what's really going on.
• 6:39
  Speaker: We mightn't be able to solve it immediately in that moment, but giving ourselves time to reflect and wonder afterwards can be really helpful.
• 6:48
  Speaker: So when your child is out of sorts, melting down, behaving in ways that aren't usual for them, it is always a sign that something isn't right in their world.
• 7:00
  Speaker: And the challenge for us as parents is to work out what's really going on, what's driving these loud, messy, out-of-control behaviors.
• 7:08
  Speaker: It rarely is actually about the banana.
• 7:11
  Speaker: Now I bet you're thinking, or you've heard people say, "Oh, they're just trying to get your attention" and "They're manipulating you", "They deserve to be punished", "They can't treat you that way." Those ways of responding or thinking about children are what I like to call the old ways.
• 7:30
  Speaker: They're grounded in behaviorism, where we think that every time a child does something, they're doing it with intention.
• 7:38
  Speaker: I think rather than thinking about it as children doing something with intention, it's much more helpful if we look at what's the intent behind their behavior?
• 7:47
  Speaker: And behavior is always communication.
• 7:50
  Speaker: Whatever our child's behavior is, whether it's loud, messy, out of control, or shut down, withdrawn, refusal to move, shutting themselves in their room, disengaging from others, all of those behaviors are a communication.
• 8:08
  Speaker: Our job as parents is to work out what are they trying to communicate with us.
• 8:13
  Speaker: I would like to know if any of you have tried being curious about what might be going on for your child, and if so, how did that influence how you responded?
• 8:24
  Speaker: Did it make life easier?
• 8:26
  Speaker: Did it leave you feeling more confused?
• 8:29
  Speaker: Or were you shut down or criticized by a grandparent, a partner, a stranger at the mall?
• 8:36
  Speaker: There is no doubt about it, but everyone has an opinion on parenting.
• 8:40
  Speaker: Now the irony of that as a podcaster is not lost on me.
• 8:44
  Speaker: But I'm not here to give you my opinion, I'm here to challenge your thinking, get you wondering about what your child needs so that you can take the lead and feel more confident in how you're responding in those moments.
• 8:59
  Speaker: I am here to help you make sense of your child.
• 9:03
  Speaker: Now, can you think of a time when you overreacted to something or someone?
• 9:08
  Speaker: What was going on for you in that moment?
• 9:12
  Speaker: Were you able to put the brakes on and get your thinking brain back online?
• 9:16
  Speaker: Probably not.
• 9:18
  Speaker: And yet you expect your young immature child to be able to do this.
• 9:23
  Speaker: When we get curious about our own triggers, about the things that we overreact to, and we look beneath and wonder why we reacted in that way.
• 9:34
  Speaker: That pausing and wondering about ourselves actually helps us build the skills to pause and wonder about our children.
• 9:42
  Speaker: Now, there are lots of parenting frameworks and courses out there, lots of strategies, lots of behavioral principles, lots of relational-based approaches.
• 9:51
  Speaker: And something that has really shaped my thinking and parenting is Circle of Security Parenting.
• 9:58
  Speaker: This shows that children are constantly moving between exploration and connection.
• 10:04
  Speaker: And when we as parents can understand where they are on that circle, their behavior starts to make more sense.
• 10:10
  Speaker: And by getting curious and noticing, you as a parent can learn to recognize those moments in everyday life and respond in ways that strengthen your relationship.
• 10:21
  Speaker: I know how hard parenting can be some days.
• 10:24
  Speaker: And for some of you listening, it will feel hard every day in every single moment.
• 10:29
  Speaker: And for some of you listening, it will feel like there's more hardness than there are good times.
• 10:36
  Speaker: I want you to know that you're not alone.
• 10:39
  Speaker: There are lots of parents out there that are struggling.
• 10:42
  Speaker: There are lots of parents out there that are not struggling.
• 10:45
  Speaker: And how often do we get real and let each other know how difficult it really is?
• 10:51
  Speaker: How many times do you come across another parent who you can see might be struggling, and you ask them if they're okay or if they need some help, and they go, "No, I'm fine".
• 11:02
  Speaker: I wonder why we find it so hard to be honest at times about how difficult things really are.
• 11:09
  Speaker: Parenting life is easier when we can surround ourselves with other parents and caregivers who can support us on this journey.
• 11:18
  Speaker: And it's helpful if we can surround ourselves with like-minded people who are interested in getting curious about why their children do the things they do.
• 11:27
  Speaker: If you're new to getting curious about what's really going on for your child in those big moments of big feelings, then it's going to take time for this to become something that's easier to do, more instinctive, more intuitive.
• 11:42
  Speaker: So please don't expect that you'll instantly be able to pause and get curious in every single parenting moment.
• 11:48
  Speaker: That's unrealistic.
• 11:50
  Speaker: And let's be honest, sometimes parenting is so chaotic and stressful that surviving the moment is the best you can do.
• 11:57
  Speaker: Without sounding trite, be kind and gentle to yourself as you start to get curious about what your child needs in those moments of meltdowns and big feelings.
• 12:08
  Speaker: This isn't about perfection.
• 12:10
  Speaker: This is about wondering and curiosity and trying a different way of responding, seeing your child differently so that everything can shift.
• 12:21
  Speaker: Now, what you might notice is as you do start to respond differently and getting curious about what's going on for your child, your child will notice that you're responding differently.
• 12:32
  Speaker: Things might get a little bit more intense.
• 12:35
  Speaker: Please don't take that to mean that tuning in in a relational way and responding in an attuned way is the wrong thing to do, that it's making things worse.
• 12:48
  Speaker: What's probably underlying this is your child is finally going, oh my goodness, mum or dad really get it.
• 12:56
  Speaker: They see me for who I am, they're welcoming my feelings, they're holding space for my feelings, and now I can start to let those feelings out.
• 13:04
  Speaker: For some of our children, that will take a long time, particularly if they've experienced being sort of shut down or distracted or not had that empathetic holding, then it can take a long time before they're ready to let down their guard, be a little bit more vulnerable and trust us with their feelings.
• 13:26
  Speaker: Now, you might have been hoping that I would tell you exactly what to do in those moments.
• 13:34
  Speaker: But that is not what getting curious is about.
• 13:37
  Speaker: Sure, I could give you advice, but I am not you, and I don't know your child, and I'm not the one right there in those moments.
• 13:47
  Speaker: My years of clinical experience working with families and children has taught me that guiding parents to their own solutions is far more effective and sustainable than giving answers.
• 13:59
  Speaker: Being able to work out what your child needs is your job.
• 14:03
  Speaker: I can guide you along the way and help you build your own curiosity, but you know your child better than anyone else.
• 14:11
  Speaker: As a speech and language therapist, I am always looking at communication, thinking about what makes it go well and what gets in the way of understanding between others.
• 14:21
  Speaker: Developmental psychiatrist Stanley Greenspan, introduced the idea of circles of communication.
• 14:27
  Speaker: Now, those are those back and forth interactions that help our children develop language, thinking, and relationships.
• 14:34
  Speaker: And these circles of communication are not just about words, they're about every glance, smile, gesture, or playful exchange.
• 14:42
  Speaker: Circles of communication exist in all moments, even when our child is shut down, even when they're melting down, yelling, screaming, we're their communication partner.
• 14:55
  Speaker: If we can reframe our thinking as being there as their communication partner, rather than someone to discipline them or punish them or change how they're responding, then we can be far more attuned and go, 'ah, my child's trying to tell me something in this moment'.
• 15:14
  Speaker: What might that be?
• 15:15
  Speaker: And what would be the most helpful way for me to respond?
• 15:19
  Speaker: Now, there are lots of things that get in the way of us being able to tune in and to work out what's going on, our own stress levels, the lunches that need to be packed, lack of sleep, other children needing us, the list goes on and on.
• 15:34
  Speaker: And so remember, I said earlier, this isn't about being able to tune in 100% of the time, because that's impractical, impossible, and wouldn't necessarily lead to healthy development for our children.
• 15:45
  Speaker: Taking some time to get to know ourselves and our own needs in those tough parenting moments is unavoidable.
• 15:52
  Speaker: Right now I want you to hold space for yourself and your needs, knowing that there'll be time to explore these in more depth in future episodes.
• 16:00
  Speaker: I want you to remember your child isn't having big feelings, meltdowns, tantrums to make your life hard.
• 16:07
  Speaker: They're simply overwhelmed by big feelings that they don't know what to do with.
• 16:12
  Speaker: We get overwhelmed too, and that's okay.
• 16:15
  Speaker: There are things we can do when we do over get overwhelmed, say things we regret, respond in a less than calm way.
• 16:24
  Speaker: And we'll talk about that in future episodes too.
• 16:27
  Speaker: I like to call it the power of a do-over.
• 16:29
  Speaker: A do-over is where you go, let's try again.
• 16:33
  Speaker: You might own your response and say, I'm sorry that I yelled at you.
• 16:38
  Speaker: I didn't mean to respond that way.
• 16:40
  Speaker: Let's try again.
• 16:41
  Speaker: It's important not to mistake a do-over for permissive parenting.
• 16:46
  Speaker: That's not what it is.
• 16:47
  Speaker: Now I bet you're asking yourself, how will my child learn if I don't punish them?
• 16:53
  Speaker: Well, if punishment worked, then it would have worked once, and you wouldn't still be dealing with the issue or needing to listen to this podcast.
• 17:02
  Speaker: There is no escaping the truth.
• 17:04
  Speaker: Punishment and consequences come at a cost to the relationship.
• 17:09
  Speaker: Sometimes they might work as a quick fix, but they damage relationships and they're not effective in the long run.
• 17:17
  Speaker: The cost of punishment and consequences is too great.
• 17:21
  Speaker: Do you really want your child growing up believing that relationships are conditional and everything can be bartered?
• 17:28
  Speaker: So what can you do instead?
• 17:30
  Speaker: You can get to know your child so that you can respond in a way that meets their need.
• 17:35
  Speaker: And this will be different depending on your child's emotional state, their disposition.
• 17:41
  Speaker: Some of our children are have big loud behaviors.
• 17:46
  Speaker: Some of them tend to be more quiet and withdrawn.
• 17:50
  Speaker: It takes practice and patience and attunement to work out what your child's need is in any given moment.
• 17:58
  Speaker: There are definitely some things that are unhelpful.
• 18:01
  Speaker: Don't lecture, try to reason, argue, tell them to calm down, don't threaten any consequences, don't bribe them, don't match their anger, don't get physical or try to restrain them in any way.
• 18:15
  Speaker: What you can do in those moments is say as little as possible.
• 18:21
  Speaker: This is because a brain that's angry and all stirred up is not actually able to listen and process language.
• 18:29
  Speaker: Take a break to calm yourself if you need to.
• 18:31
  Speaker: Make sure everybody's safe.
• 18:33
  Speaker: Check your own body language and facial expression, because that's what your child will see before they can hear any words.
• 18:40
  Speaker: Remove anything that might get thrown if you need to.
• 18:43
  Speaker: Remove siblings from the space.
• 18:45
  Speaker: Offer connection for your child in that moment.
• 18:49
  Speaker: They mightn't be ready, but let them know that you're there when they are ready.
• 18:53
  Speaker: Provide some calm reassurance.
• 18:56
  Speaker: This might just be sitting down next to them on the floor, keeping yourself safe, softening your body language.
• 19:02
  Speaker: Something to watch for is that you don't trigger what we call their separation alarm.
• 19:06
  Speaker: This can be really alarming for a child who's upset and dysregulated and trying to see connection.
• 19:12
  Speaker: They can feel really scared and become more angry if you try to leave the room.
• 19:17
  Speaker: It's okay if you need to leave the room to check in another sibling or to calm yourself down.
• 19:23
  Speaker: Just let them know that you'll be coming back.
• 19:25
  Speaker: Now, sometimes your children's needs are greater than you as a parent, can work out by yourself, and you might need to get some help from a professional.
• 19:34
  Speaker: That's okay.
• 19:36
  Speaker: The more we can surround ourselves with people who can see us for who we are and see our children for who they are, that can help us make a mindset shift and get some practical tips and strategies for what to do in those moments.
• 19:52
  Speaker: Ultimately, it's all about connection.
• 19:55
  Speaker: Our children want to feel seen, heard, safe, and secure.
• 20:00
  Speaker: And many of those moments of upset, meltdown, and overwhelm might be because they're feeling disconnected.
• 20:08
  Speaker: Sometimes it's basic needs like hungry, thirsty, tired.
• 20:13
  Speaker: And once you've worked out that it isn't any of those basic needs, then it's time to really get curious about where in their relationships are they feeling disconnected.
• 20:24
  Speaker: It takes courage to be curious, it takes a lot of patience.
• 20:28
  Speaker: This is my invitation to you.
• 20:31
  Speaker: Get curious, stay the course, and trust that focusing on your relationship with your child, tuning into their needs, and providing safe, loving boundaries will lead to more peaceful parenting days.
• 20:47
  Speaker: As we wrap up, what part of your child's world are you finding hardest to make sense of?
• 20:53
  Speaker: Leave your question in the comments.
• 20:56
  Speaker: It might inspire a future episode.
• 20:58
  Speaker: If you're enjoying the podcast, make sure to follow or subscribe so you don't miss what's coming next.
• 21:05
  Speaker: Until next time, stay curious.