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Healing My Relationship With My Body · The Opinion You Didn’t Ask For

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Spoiler alert, the size on your clothes does not matter, your
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body does. So this year we're breaking up
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with the number on our jeans. You guys welcome back to the
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opinion you didn't ask for. I'm Hannah.
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And it is 2026, we have started a new year.
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And you know, I love goals. I'm a goals girly.
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And I feel like the number one goal people always have has to
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do with, you know, weight loss going to the gym more, right?
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Like that is the number one time of year that gym sales fly.
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Everyone has decided they're going to change who they are,
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have better habits and I was reviewing my last year's goals
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and which we all know is how I ended up in this situation was
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having a goal. But the number one thing I had
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on my New Year's resolutions for last year was to lose 50 lbs.
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And I had steps of how I was going to do it and goals to fit
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in these certain jeans that I bought pre third pregnancy
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because I had gotten in great shape after my second and I
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thought I was done. So I was in this amazing shape.
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I bought these jeans. They were my gold jeans and they
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fit me for one whole day because then I got pregnant with my
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third right. So I have been staring at these
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jeans in my closet for a really long time.
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But that was on my, my list of things to accomplish and be able
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to do with that 50 LB weight loss.
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Well, I'm going to just break it to you.
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I didn't lose 50 lbs. I lost 40 lbs.
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So did I celebrate that? Absolutely not.
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Because in my mind I was like, well, that was a fail.
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I did not accomplish my goal. So, you know, we're working on
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celebrating small wins. I'm working on which 40 lbs is
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not small wins. I am very aware of that.
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But in my brain, I hold that number to such high
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expectations. I queen of disappointment over
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here. Ki did not hit the number I
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wanted, so therefore I failed, right?
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No, that's not how it works. I should be so ecstatic that I
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was able to do that while being a mom to three kids while
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starting this, you know, while living our life.
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I was able to accomplish that and I created amazing habits.
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I just did not reach that number goal.
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The scale was not on my side. Those jeans still in my closet
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in the still cannot wear pile, but they are so much closer to
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fitting me than they were a year ago.
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Small wins, baby steps. OK, so I feel like this time of
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year is a great time to re evaluate, you know where you've
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been, where you want to go and to set these goals.
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And for me, I feel like the setting of the goal for weight
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loss and for, you know, body image is a lot deeper for me
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than it is for a lot of other people.
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And as I've been contemplating what my New Year's resolutions
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will be, what new goals I want to accomplish, I have been
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remembering the trauma that I experienced as a young child all
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through growing up and then, you know, as an adult and why I have
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such a hard time with, with this whole weight loss goal, with
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this New Year's resolution with, you know, everyone going to the
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gym and wanting to accomplish that because I have really bad
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body dysmorphia. I have really bad self love when
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it comes to my body because of the things I have gone through
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from such a such a young age that I still see myself as that
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girl who was bullied for so many years for her weight and who
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struggled and you know all of that.
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So when I was about 8 years old, my mom went through a hard time
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and to cope with that she turned to emotional eating.
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And I am the youngest in my family and so my mom had me a
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lot with her to run errands and to go do things.
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And so I was with her when she would decide to stop and eat
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fast food or go get ice cream. OK, We were regulars at Cold
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Stone Creamery. We were there probably more than
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the owners were at this point. So I don't know why we didn't
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just buy a steak. We'd be doing real well in in
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the company's shares right now. But we would go into cold stone
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and she'd let me have my own and I'm a child, right?
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Like, I don't know, I don't know portion control.
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I don't know boundaries with food.
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And so I wouldn't just get the like it size, right?
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I'm talking sizes here. I know them all by heart.
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There's the like it size, the love it size, the gotta have it
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size. You guys, we got the got to have
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it size every time. And I'm not talking we shared
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it. She didn't like the kind I got.
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I didn't like the kind she got. My mom is not a sharer of food.
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So here I am from a young age, eating the got to have it size
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of Cold Stone birthday cake remix.
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OK, like this is my favorite ice cream in the world, but there is
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such a thing as too much, right? Like so I started gaining a lot
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of weight at a young age and there is no one meaner in
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elementary school than boys. Those boys are brutal.
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OK, I will do everything in my power to make sure my boys are
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not like that. But I had elementary school
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bullies and they were these two boys and they would walk around
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and tell me how fat I was, right?
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They would make every fat comment you can possibly think
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of. And one day they came up to me
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and said, you're wider than 5 trains put together, which now
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you hear that and you're like, that's the stupidest insult you
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could give to someone. Like that's not possible in the
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slightest degree. The fattest person on this
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planet is not that wide. OK, So I'm like, are we talking,
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you know, baby toy train cars? Like what?
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What are we talking here? Because it's not real trains.
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But I was in the 5th grade when that comment was made, and it
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was devastating. Right?
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How, how could they A say that to someone and B, is it true?
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Like, am I that? Am I that big?
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Am I that fat? Like, you know, I'm spiraling
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here. I'm a child and these boys are
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saying this. And so it must be true.
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Like, I must be enormous. I must be as wide as five trains
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put together. No, newsflash, I surely wasn't.
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So that's where it all started. And that really effects, I
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think, the psyche of a child, right?
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Like I am, I am fragile people. So then we go into middle school
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and woof, you could not pay me enough money in the universe to
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go back to middle school. OK, treacherous time.
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But I was in the 6th grade and, you know, there's all these new
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kids because it's all the elementary schools coming
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together. And I had a crush on this boy.
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Man, trauma really. Don't ever go back to middle
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school. That's all I can say.
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That's when everyone was getting phones and there was this boy
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who I had a crush on, and I got his number, but he didn't have
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my number. So you know when you would text
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like you didn't know the person? I don't know.
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I can't even. I am so grateful that I do not
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have to be in middle school today because I could not keep
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up. They are too advanced nowadays.
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They didn't have the awkward stages we all had back then.
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So, you know, awkward. This is as cringy as you can
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imagine, but I'm actually having to live it.
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That's how bad it was. But you know, it's when your
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friends would text someone and be like, oh, how do you feel
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about her? But you're sitting right next to
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them. OK, we're in that situation.
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So I was at this girl's house. She liked this guy's friend.
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We knew they were hanging out after school that day anyway, so
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she texted the boy I liked and asked like, oh, what do you
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think of her? And he replies with oh, is that
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the girl with Thunder thighs and a six pack of rolls?
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And it's OK, you guys. I can laugh about it.
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I can laugh about it now. But man, at the time, brutal
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shot to the heart, right? Like I once again the audacity
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of these boys. The nerve of these boys.
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They are so confident in themselves, OK?
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They all weighed 50 lbs and were skinny sticks.
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OK? Heaven forbid a girl has some
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curves. So you know, obviously I didn't
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do well in the boy department, right?
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Like I wasn't this tiny little girl that all the boys were
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obsessed over. That was just not my experience.
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And that's OK. I have healed since that comment
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because my husband loves my thighs and I do not have a six
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pack of rolls. But you know what?
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I can eat a six pack of rolls in a second because who doesn't
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love some carbs? But I am OK now.
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But man, if I could just go back and give younger Hannah a hug in
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that moment to be like, he's just insecure.
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Like you are a confident, happy, wonderful girl and he is just an
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awkward boy in middle school. The pressures to be popular, the
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pressures to be cool and to kind of be edgy, maybe slightly mean,
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right? Like, and I have forgiven this
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boy. He's never apologized.
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I don't think he remembers this ever even happened.
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I still know his name. Not the point, but things like
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that will stick with the person who is being bullied way longer
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than the person who said the things, right?
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Like that's a fact. And so you know that that was
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kind of my middle school experience.
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Boys were not very nice to me. Jokes were constantly made.
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I found out that some of the boys from my friend group had
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given me a nickname, and it was Bob.
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Like Bob. And it was an acronym for Big
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Obvious Boobs because I developed in middle school,
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unfortunately, OK, not only was I chubby, I also had boobs.
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They're these like scrawny, immature boys hot mess.
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OK. And it was not flattering.
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Some people would be like, oh, cute.
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No, it wasn't flattering because they also weren't saying it from
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a place of like, oh, I have a crush on her and oh, she has
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this going for her. No, it was just another thing to
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point out about me and to make me insecure and feel bad about
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myself. And so those were constantly the
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things I would hear, the things that were said about me, and you
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would think, OK, it gets better, wrong.
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It gets worse. So then we go to 8th grade year,
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it's the last day of 8th grade. You know how they had those?
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You know, after school parties, you'd have one friend who has
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the party. Well, it happened to be at one
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of my best friend's houses who she was in multiple different
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sports. So she had a lot of friends from
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different things. And so she invited everyone.
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We were all there and we all knew each other.
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I grew up in a very small town, OK, this was not like the
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biggest school in the world. We didn't know each other.
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We all knew each other. We could all get along.
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You know, it was totally fine. It wasn't awkward.
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And so we were at her house. We're playing games outside.
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Well, half of us ran in the house.
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I mean, childish. You look back and you're like,
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how juvenile. But we ran in the house and we
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shut the door to lock out like half the girls and I was against
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the glass door. And then everyone was like
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behind me pushing on the door. I'm also pretty sure we locked
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the door. So this was all just more for
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the drama effect of like, we've locked you out.
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And I will never forget that. This one girl, I mean,
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everyone's laughing, you know, we're all joking, like, ha, ha,
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they're all open the door, you know, that kind of thing.
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And I'm against the glass standing there, you know, having
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fun, thinking nothing of it. And this girl goes in front of
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everyone out loud. Well, Hannah's against the door,
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so we're never going to be able to get it open.
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And of course, you know, people laugh because it's just easy.
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It's easy to laugh in moments like that when someone is
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uncomfortable or if someone is OK with comments like that being
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made about another person. But I remember I just moved out
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of the way and I walked away. And I didn't care if they
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unlocked the door. I didn't care if they all came
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in because at that moment I was like, oh, in this whole room of
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people, that is acceptable to be said about me.
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And these are all supposed to be, you know, friends or
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acquaintances of friends or, you know, whatever it may be.
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And I don't remember one person coming to see if I was OK or be
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like, that was so rude. Nothing, right?
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Like, because that's middle school.
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People don't know how to stand up for each other.
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You don't really have girls, girls yet.
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That hasn't really been introduced into their world.
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And I think that the funny now looking back, I've had a lot of
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time to reflect since middle school.
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And the girl who said it, which this is, the irony is that she
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was bigger than me in every sense of the word, right?
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Like I am a very short person. She is taller.
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She was bigger built, you know, she's bigger than me.
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And so I realized that I think it was more an insecurity on her
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part to attack me because if people are looking at me and
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laughing at me, they're not noticing her, that her
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insecurities aren't being brought to light in that moment.
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And hurt people hurt people, right?
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She probably was experiencing comments behind closed doors or
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in other friend group settings that were hurting her.
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So she was taking that and putting it on me and once again,
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never received an apology. But I have forgiven because who?
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Who's going to be hurt in these situations?
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Am I going to just call him up one day and be like, hi, you owe
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me an apology for the 8th grade? No, but I've been able to take a
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lot of what has happened and I will be able to shape my
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daughter into being the girl who won't laugh at comments like
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that, about people who will never make comments like that,
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who will verbally stand up for someone.
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Because I want her to know. Like, you can be a girl's girl
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at six years old, K? She looks for the good in
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everyone. She loves to compliment people.
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She doesn't look at their body size.
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She doesn't look at what clothes there were like she does not
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care. She can see beauty in everyone
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because everyone has beauty and everyone has something to offer
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and everybody is different, you know, right.
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Like there is no perfect body. You could have the skinniest
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girl who everyone is like, her body is perfect, but she has a
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hard time going upstairs. And then you can have someone
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with some thicker thighs that can bound up the stairs by twos
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and doesn't break a sweat. Right.
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Like there, the idea and the image around what is beauty and
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what a body should look like has been so wrong for so long that
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we're having to retrain our brains of like, what is
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beautiful, what is amazing. So now you're thinking, OK,
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middle school was rough. She survived it.
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It got better. All right, here's the here's the
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highlight of the story. So between my 8th and 9th grade
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year, my dad was embarrassed by my weight, and I cannot be mad
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at him for this. He grew up in a different time.
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He he does care how people look like.
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He feels like people should look a certain way.
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And. And so he was doing I think what
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he thought was OK and he offered to pay me to lose weight because
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he was embarrassed by what I looked like.
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Which if my husband wonders why I am so financially motivated by
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things, he shouldn't have to look very far.
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Ding Ding Ding I found the reason why.
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So here I am, 14 years old being paid to lose weight and I lost a
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decent amount of weight and I did it for the money.
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And I remember going into Victoria's Secret and in the
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pink section, there was this bright pink sweat set like a
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jacket zip up and matching sweatpants with black letters
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that said pink on the back and on the leg.
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And it was the cutest thing ever, right?
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And I was so proud of that because I was like, man, I
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worked for this. Like, I worked really hard for
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this. And I wore it to school.
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And I remember going to high school, I feel like there was a
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shift even in just how people looked at me, like, oh, she's
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not the fat girl anymore. Like, I still wasn't super
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skinny, but I wasn't fat, so it was acceptable, right?
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And people would complement this sweat set.
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So in my mind, I'm like, OK, my worth is amplified because of
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this weight loss. And I wasn't losing weight as
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fast as I wanted to anymore 'cause I guess once that initial
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weight dropped off, you know, you hit a plateau.
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I also don't know how. I don't know how to eat right.
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I don't know how to do my macros or lifting or cardio.
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I don't. I don't know what I'm doing.
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So I found myself with an eating disorder and I don't know what
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in the world is prompting me to tell people about this because I
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have kept this a secret since that day.
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No one in high school knew I had an eating disorder.
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I haven't told majority of people in my life.
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I remember the day I told my husband and and I remember, I
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remember that he cried because he was so sad for little me who
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felt like I needed to do that to myself in order to feel
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beautiful or to feel seen or to fit in a specific size of
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clothing. And I think that that was the
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first time I told someone out loud about, you know, what I had
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gone through. And I mean, since then, I don't
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know if I've told more than, you know, a handful of people.
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I don't know, actually how many people in this world know about
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it and whether they knew about it and then just never said
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anything to me in high school. I have no idea, but it was my
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entire freshman year into my sophomore year that I was
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bulimic. And it created a very unhealthy
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relationship with food because I would eat like everyone else at
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the parties, but I knew I wasn't planning to keep it in later.
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And so it was this very unhealthy relationship that I
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had now with food. And the smaller I got, the worse
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I felt. But you know, the more attention
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I received. And it wasn't even that much
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attention. By the way, I want the record to
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show it was not like I had every guy in the world running after
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me. That wasn't the reality.
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It was more just when I walked into a room, I didn't feel like
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people looked at me and was like, oh, the fat girl has
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arrived, right? Like that's where I, I just
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wasn't there. And so I remember being in, I
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don't even know a health class or some class that I was in and
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somehow eating disorders got brought up and we had to learn
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about them. And the eating disorder that I
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struggled with being bulimia. It was like side effects can be.
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And one of the side effects that got brought up was, and now I
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don't even know if this is factual, if we're being honest,
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but this is what you know, my high school teacher had on this
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slideshow presentation was that girls who struggle with bulimia
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can have a hard time having babies or it can cause problems
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with even being able to get pregnant.
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And I remember that day I decided being skinny was not
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worth risking the chance to one day have babies because I wanted
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to be a mom more than anything. I could not wait to be a mom.
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And so I was like, that's it. Like cold Turkey.
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I'm not going to do this anymore.
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And I did pretty good, right? Like obviously everyone,
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everyone struggles. You relapse every now and then.
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But for the most part, I feel like I I was able to overcome it
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just for the drive alone to be a mom one day.
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For that hope, for that small sliver that I hadn't gone too
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long, that I hadn't done it too much, that my body would be able
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to recover 'cause I had enough years, hopefully before I
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started having kids, that my body could heal.
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And I just prayed. I remember praying and begging
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God to not punish me for that because I didn't know better.
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And so that was genuinely a fear that I had up until getting
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pregnant with my daughter that for years I worried I had ruined
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my chances to be a mom and thankfully that didn't happen.
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But it's crazy what we are willing to do at such young ages
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that we don't know the consequences and the
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repercussions of our choices. We only see in that small
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moment. We only see what is happening
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right then and there. And for me in high school, it
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was being not the fat girl. It was not being looked at like
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my worth was based on the size of clothes I had.
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And I remember going into stores and I would buy jeans that were
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too small and I would suck in so hard to get those jeans on
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because they were a smaller size.
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And that is what the smaller girls were wearing.
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And I needed to be able to fit in those you guys.
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I felt like a busted can of biscuits every day.
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Like, you know when you hear that pop and they just open up?
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That is how I felt when I would go to unbutton those pants.
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I felt like the seams were going to RIP out of the jeans.
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K, that is how I felt. Skinny jeans.
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That was unfortunately my era of pants.
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Now these baggy pants that you can wear five times the size of
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pants you actually are in, and it's socially acceptable.
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Rude. That should have been my era.
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Whatever, I will never forget my birthday one year my sister gave
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me a shirt from buckle and I opened it and the tag I didn't
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even look at the shirt K the tag said M she had bought me a
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medium. The audacity.
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Was she calling me fat You as I acted like the most ungrateful
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brat because I felt like she was poking at me.
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I felt like she was making fun of me.
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Like you're a medium. Because my sister was super
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skinny in high school. She didn't struggle with any of
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this. But no, that was not what it
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was. All shirts are made different,
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right? All fabrics are different.
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The way that sizing is oversized wasn't a thing back in the day,
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and this specific shirt just ran smaller.
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So she bought me a shirt that looked like it would fit.
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It sure did. It fit me and it was cute, but I
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always struggled because I knew what the tag said.
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I knew that tag was saying a medium.
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So then I was like, when people look at me, they're seeing
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medium. That's what they're seeing on my
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face, on my body. Like, oh, if that girl's at a
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medium whale, that's what I'm thinking that they're saying
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about me. It wasn't.
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That was surely not what they were saying.
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They didn't care what was on the tag.
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I did. So I'm publicly apologizing to
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my sister right now for the way I acted as a 16 year old who
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struggled. OK, my bad.
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So then we get to the end of high school, right?
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Like the rest of high school, I am good.
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I made it to senior year. I graduated without any more
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body drama situations. And then the pageant happens and
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I went on overload. I am very grateful that the
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eating disorder did not come back, but it would have been
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very easy to bring it back, right?
27:31
Like that is the time when people, the stresses, you need
27:34
to be as small as possible. You are in a bikini on a stage
27:37
in front of hundreds of people. Like there is a lot of stress
27:41
going on when you're in a pageant and you're trying to
27:43
look tiny next to these other tiny girls.
27:46
So I, I ate like a rabbit. I worked out 15 hours a day, I
27:52
mean, and I got tiny. Don't get me wrong.
27:54
I got the smallest I have ever been.
27:58
I hadn't looked at an Oreo in months.
28:02
Wasn't healthy. When the pageant was over and I
28:04
was able to eat what I wanted, wasn't good for me.
28:06
OK, that was That was a rocky time because I had gone from not
28:10
being able to eat anything with sugar to now the world was my
28:15
oyster and every food was on the table for me.
28:18
And I wanted to eat all of it because I had been starved for
28:21
months to be able to do that. So I, I mean, it's still, it's
28:26
just this unhealthy relationship with food.
28:29
It's not being knowledgeable in what is a healthy amount to
28:32
exercise, what is a healthy amount to sleep, what is what is
28:36
good to eat and what's a healthy weight for my body.
28:39
Because I remember getting so small and thinking I just looked
28:43
phenomenal. And I look back at pictures and
28:46
I'm like, Dang, look at those arms.
28:48
They're like woof, like my thighs were killing it.
28:51
But I remember this boy told me that I looked like a skeleton
28:57
with skin. That is how small in his mind I
29:00
had gotten. I don't think I got that small.
29:03
OK, I know the kind of people that you're thinking.
29:05
I I didn't look like that. I did not look like the Olsen
29:09
twins when they were on drugs. OK, That is just not what I
29:12
looked like. But for what my body type was,
29:17
that is how he felt. And it's so funny now because I
29:20
look back and I remember that when I was a junior in high
29:24
school, I did the like the Little Miss, Junior miss, I
29:29
don't know, distinguished young woman, whatever that thing is.
29:32
And they did cutouts of every girl.
29:36
And they did my cut out. And when I went to pick it up,
29:41
the director of the entire program was like the girl who
29:44
made yours said, this girl has the most perfect body.
29:50
And I, I have never forgotten that because that was coming
29:54
from a grown up, right? Like that's coming from a woman
29:57
who is out of high school, who sees way beyond the horizons of
30:02
being a teenager. And that like my curves were not
30:07
a punishment from God. Like my body was not something
30:13
that I should be ashamed of or embarrassed of or trying to
30:17
change and get rid of. Like I am how I am and it's OK
30:23
to exercise. It is.
30:25
I mean, we should be exercising. We should be eating healthy.
30:28
But my body does not look like a lot of other people's bodies.
30:30
And that's OK. My body is still beautiful.
30:33
My body is still capable and strong and I have so much self
30:39
worth regardless of what my pants say, OK?
30:43
They're rude, they're disrespectful, they do not care
30:47
about my feelings at all. And I know that because I have a
30:52
whole rack of jeans upstairs right now that I stare at every
30:57
day that they don't fit. OK.
31:00
Every day I go and I look at those jeans because I buy them
31:03
with the intent to wear them. One of these days, I'm going to
31:06
be in them and I'm going to be like, aha, I did it like I got
31:10
in them. And I know you're saying,
31:11
Hannah, just buy jeans that fit you now.
31:13
Yeah, no, I can't do that. That is not.
31:16
That's not something I'm capable of doing yet.
31:19
But do you know who I want to give a shout out to?
31:22
If I can influence anyone to do anything, it is this.
31:26
I am all about rebranding. I'm all about people reinventing
31:31
themselves. And do you know what company has
31:34
reinvented itself in the absolute best way?
31:38
Abercrombie and Fitch, OK, When I was a kid growing up, they
31:41
were the most expensive brand. The only, you know, the really
31:46
rich kids wore it. Only the really skinny girls
31:49
wore it. It was not body positive
31:52
friendly in the slightest, OK. It made you feel bad if you even
31:56
walked through the entrance and you weren't a size 00.
32:00
OK, That is how it made you feel.
32:02
But apparently they got a woman CEO or the company got taken
32:07
over by a woman and they now offer their jeans in Curve love
32:13
or regular. And the curve love is for those
32:16
of us with some curve K, and it's amazing.
32:19
And they offer in lengths. Like my mom used to have to get
32:23
all my jeans hemmed, which looked treacherous.
32:26
But you know, I would drag them across the ground because I'm so
32:29
short. They come in different lengths,
32:32
like extra short, short, regular tall, extra tall.
32:34
Like, I mean, I will never need the extra tall in my life unless
32:38
I'm wearing it from head to toe. And even then, I probably don't
32:40
need an extra long. But they have rebranded
32:44
themselves to be a company that is for women's bodies.
32:51
And you're not trying to fit the jeans like the jeans are fitting
32:54
you. So like these jeans make me feel
32:58
like a person, they make me feel excited.
33:00
But I also love having goals. I love having something to work
33:04
towards. And I am still in the trenches
33:07
of losing the rest of that baby weight that Taco Bell made me
33:10
gain. So I have these jeans that I am
33:13
so close to being in a man the day I fit in them.
33:15
I have 6 pairs of jeans to now choose from.
33:17
I'm currently have two that I'm wearing.
33:20
I will have 6 more options. I'm ecstatic.
33:23
I cannot wait. But it's been amazing to see a
33:26
company who has models that are not 00, that are not these itty
33:32
bitty things, that are not realistic bodies to try to
33:35
emulate. They're showing real life people
33:39
in real life bodies and it's beautiful and it doesn't look
33:43
edited and filtered and photoshopped to make them look a
33:48
specific way. So then when you're buying it,
33:50
you're like, wow, I would look great in this and I don't need
33:53
to be a 00. So shout out to them.
33:56
They have been a game changer for me and the way that I view
34:01
clothing. Because what is hard on a girl
34:05
who struggled with body dysmorphia and weight her whole
34:07
life? Getting pregnant and gaining a
34:10
ton of weight and then losing that weight when you have the
34:13
baby. Only they they lie to you and
34:16
they say you will lose the weight when you're nursing.
34:20
That is untrue for majority of people unless you are an
34:24
Instagram influencer or a model who you suddenly you can give
34:29
birth and be on dancing with the stars 2 weeks later.
34:32
OK that is not reality for a lot of us.
34:35
For me, my body cannot lose weight when I'm nursing and so I
34:41
had to choose between losing the weight and fitting in my pre
34:45
pregnancy clothes or nursing a baby.
34:49
And you might think like that's not a hard choice.
34:53
It is for someone who struggles to feel beautiful.
34:57
If they're over a certain number on the scale, which scales throw
35:01
them out. They are so rude.
35:04
But that is how I unfortunately am.
35:07
I see that and I'm like, that is what I am worth.
35:09
If I get on the scale and it's not a number I like, my whole
35:13
day is ruined. I walk around and I'm like, I am
35:16
this and it's that number and that's just in my head all day
35:19
and I can't get it out. No matter what, no matter if my
35:22
clothes look great on me or whatever it may be, I just see
35:27
that number. So being pregnant, I never
35:31
looked at the scale when I would go for my weigh insurance for
35:35
all three pregnancies because I could not stand to see that
35:39
number go up. It, it was horrendous for me.
35:42
That was so triggering to see that number on this scale.
35:47
I am growing a human inside of me and I can't stand to look at
35:52
the scale because it says I've gained 5 lbs.
35:54
OK, that is so unhealthy. I don't recommend it.
35:58
K Obviously that number should be going up.
36:01
If it's not going up, you probably have a problem.
36:04
But another really hard thing for me that was triggering in
36:07
pregnancy was my first pregnancy, I was horrendously
36:12
sick and I threw up every single day of my pregnancy with Blake
36:18
and multiple times, one time, so many times that I was rushed to
36:23
the emergency room because Taylor called my OB and was
36:26
like, what do I do? And they were like, she needs to
36:29
be in the hospital right now. So like, bad.
36:32
It was really, really bad. And it was so triggering for me
36:37
because I hated throwing up because of what I had gone
36:42
through in high school. Throwing up was so triggering to
36:45
me that I was like, no, no, no, please don't.
36:46
And I would try to gag it back down, but that was how I spent
36:51
my entire first pregnancy, was throwing up but gaining weight
36:54
while doing it. So that was really neat.
36:57
And so it has been a constant battle back and forth of
37:00
postpartum pregnancy, trying to get in shape, trying to lose the
37:04
weight, and then doing it all over again.
37:07
And what I found was I I needed to love myself more and give
37:13
myself so much more grace than what I was doing because I was
37:17
bringing life right? I am doing something miraculous
37:23
and all I care about is the clothes and how they look on my
37:27
body and feeling so embarrassed. And I remember after I had Cage,
37:33
who is my baby, my 2 year old baby, anytime I would go in
37:37
public without him, I would tell anyone they didn't ask.
37:43
Don't worry, no one was asking. I was just like, oh, I just had
37:45
a baby Like oh, my baby's at home like he's this many months
37:49
old. Like oh, I'm still nursing can't
37:50
lose weight. Like I would diarrhea of the
37:54
mouth over share of why I looked the way I did.
37:58
I had to tell people why I looked like I did because heaven
38:02
forbid I just look like this like I needed them to know.
38:04
There's a reason I normally look way more put together.
38:06
I normally am much thinner. I normally, and no one asked, I
38:11
don't think anyone cared. And you know what?
38:14
If they cared, I probably shouldn't want to be around them
38:17
in the first place, K? Like, those are not the kind of
38:19
people I want to be around. But as I've gotten older and as
38:23
my daughter has gotten older, I have realized that she is the
38:27
perfect mirror to show me how talking about yourself will end
38:35
up being repeated. And I remember when she was
38:38
about two or three years old, I was standing in my bedroom in
38:41
front of the mirror and I told my husband, I'm so fat.
38:46
Like I look so fat. And a few minutes later she
38:52
walks in and she looks in the mirror and she goes in her
38:56
little baby, you know, baby told their voice like I so fat.
39:02
And I remember I just stopped what I was doing and I looked at
39:05
her and I was like, Oh no, no baby, no, you're not.
39:09
You are so beautiful. And I, it was a horrific moment
39:15
for me because I was like, my beautiful little girl is looking
39:20
at herself and she's repeating the words.
39:23
She saw her mom, who she loves and adores, talking about
39:27
herself like that. And I realized that that is how
39:31
God feels about me when he hears me talking so poorly about my
39:36
body, is that he's like, no, that is a beautiful body.
39:40
Like I made that body. It is perfect.
39:42
It has done its job and it is strong.
39:46
And like, you don't talk about my precious child like that.
39:51
And I didn't realize that until I'm in this moment telling my
39:55
little girl that she is so beautiful and she is so worthy
39:59
and amazing. And it was.
40:04
It was a really changing moment for me of how I speak about
40:07
myself and how I I look at myself in the mirror because I'm
40:13
no longer looking at myself in the mirror.
40:17
When I look in the mirror, I see her and I want to talk to that
40:22
mirror like I'm talking to her.