Transcript

Anna Campbell · Mommywood

0:00
Mom. Hey, I'm your host, Emily Bolt.
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I'm an actor, teacher, and a new mom.
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Once my daughter arrived, I went on the hunt for answers to all
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my questions about being a working actor mom.
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And what did I find? Well, practically nothing.
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So here I am asking all the questions to try to figure out
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how people do it. How are mothers balancing and
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not balancing parenthood in this crazy industry?
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Join me and my amazing guest as we take a real look into the
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life of a working entertainment industry.
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Moms everywhere on this episode of Mommy Would with Anna
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Campbell. We go deep, baby.
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We go deep. We're talking about the deep
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feelings, the real feelings, the.
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Inner monologues that we have to ourselves and all of our fears.
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The fears about moving back to the suburbs, The fears about
1:04
losing yourself in motherhood. Anna is the best.
1:11
I love having deep conversations with her.
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She feels just like someone. You can bear your soul to and
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she has no judgment and that's another thing she talks about is
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how we women mothers. Actors, we need to stop judging
1:35
each other, stop comparing each other.
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We are all on our own journeys and trajectories and it doesn't
1:44
matter what other people do. If they do something, that is
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not the choice you would make. It doesn't matter.
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I just, I can't say enough good things about Anna.
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She actually used to be my acting teacher, my coach and.
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I miss her so much and it was so good to talk to her.
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And I hope you enjoy this, so please enjoy Anna Campbell.
2:12
Hi, Anna. It's so nice to talk.
2:14
To. You, Emily.
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It's so good to see your face. How's things?
2:19
What She's baby's eight months yesterday?
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Oh my God. She's like a real person now.
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It was by so fast. How old are the girls now?
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Sophie is 8 and Izzy is five. Yeah, I know.
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It's unreasonable. It's totally unreasonable.
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That means we meet each other five.
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Eight and five, they're talk about real people.
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I mean, the personalities are clear.
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The differences between them are obvious.
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The needs they have are they're so different.
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I mean, it's like one of those great reminders that every human
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being you encounter, if you could figure out what they need.
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Instead of just assuming we're all the same.
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Because we're not. Just inherently not.
3:00
Oh my God, that is. That's wild.
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That they're that old already. I know they're huge.
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Then this. I gotta say, you know,
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everyone's like, oh, I miss the baby face.
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I do not. I am not that mom.
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I'm the one who's like, thank goodness there's no more diapers
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and baby wipes. I don't miss the poop phase.
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And listening to the way they think is my favorite part of
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parenting, right? Like hearing the way they're
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processing the world. My oldest is like the world's
3:28
best negotiator. She'll be like sitting on a
3:29
problem, sitting on a problem, and then come up with a
3:31
solution. And it's like a good solution,
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right? It's like, oh, well, I didn't
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even know we needed a solution to that problem.
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But that's great. And the youngest just does
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whatever she wants. So they both get exactly what
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they want and have clever ways of doing it.
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Well, there you go. They've they've solved their
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lives. Hopefully that's our only goal,
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right? I think, I I think I told you
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one time when we talked that my favorite piece of parenting
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advice ever was my girlfriend Jen, whose son was probably 1819
3:57
months old, learning to climb, learning to crawl.
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And he was climbing up on the back of a rocking chair.
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And I was like, Jen, Jen, he's going to fall.
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And she goes, no, let him. I was like, what she's like when
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he's 18, I need to push him out of the house and make sure he
4:10
can survive. And I thought that was.
4:13
Genius. Like he wasn't going to hurt
4:15
himself, even if he fell from where he was and he needed to
4:18
learn his own limits. And I recently, he is now 14
4:21
years old. And I recently saw him again,
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and I told him this and he looked at his mom for like for
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the first time, like he realized she might be a genius.
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It was the coolest thing because I was able to, like, validate
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her parenting and how much it had helped me.
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And he was suddenly like, oh, you're not a total dweeb, you
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smart. You do know something.
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And what I was like, I was like, let's be clear, it was because
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she trusted you. I didn't know to trust you.
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But she knew that she could trust you to make that choice on
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your own and learn your own limitations safely.
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And that's a better lesson. Then I'm going to save you in
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every turn, because we can't, right?
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I say it a lot. I'm not so good in practice yet
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because I'm like, if she falls, like, if she falls, she falls.
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Like that's how she's going to learn to stabilize her core.
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It's way easier on the second one because you've seen it.
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And like, that's how she's going to sit.
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Yeah, it's easier said than than done.
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Most of the time you're telling. Like it's like a total thing.
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Yeah, I bet it is. Throw my phone over there.
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Oh, my goodness. Wow.
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Waiting five. That's wild.
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OK, so tell me again all about your film that you have been
5:44
working on. Is it?
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What point are we at right now? So I'm applying the festival
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circuit. It's still, there's still some
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graphics and stuff to be done. I'll tell you what the timing of
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making an independent film with a very, you know, limited budget
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is such a it's such a thing. Like, I keep needing to be done
6:00
with it. And then just realizing there's
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one more thing to do and one more thing I have to pay for and
6:04
one more thing I have to do. And that's fine.
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And I talked to a girlfriend the other night who's in documentary
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films, not narrative. And she's like 2 years.
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You've only been doing this two years.
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Like, my last doc took 10. And I was like, I don't know how
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you're making any money, but right, Like, you know, like,
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it's OK. I have to give myself the sort
6:22
of permission. PSI have a little cold today, so
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if I sound a little stuffy, I am.
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The children bring home germs, that's the thing they do.
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So I directed my first feature shot, the bulk of it, during the
6:35
pandemic. I mean, we're sort of still
6:36
during the pandemic, we've just pretend decided to pretend it's
6:38
no longer happening, but right, Exactly, we're we just decided
6:42
against it. So we started shooting in 2021.
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And I'm now to the point where I'm comfortable at least sending
6:49
it around to festivals as I finish it up.
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So tragically, didn't get into the 1st 2:00, but it was much
6:55
rougher even than it is now. It's sort of, you know, it's a
6:57
process as it goes along. And yeah, so it's, I mean, it's
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terrifying because how are you going to like, what do you do
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you now you're throwing it into somebody else's hands.
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Oh my God, I don't even know. And you wrote it right.
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Yes, I wrote it. Well, here's what I decided to
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do. Because I can't leave well
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enough alone, I decided to write it.
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Star in it, direct it, produce it, sing in it, take my clothes
7:23
off. And I don't know.
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It was like a series of mediocre decisions that have happened.
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They've all come together OK. It's acceptable.
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Like do you think are you more of a?
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Did you make that decision because you're more of a type a
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personality and you wanted to do it all by yourself or what was
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the reason of? Of doing each of those on your.
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So the thing about being a type A personality, which I obviously
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am, is you don't think to yourself anything, you just do
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it right. So there's not like a really
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good plan in there. I think actually one of the
8:00
things that I learned the that was the best life lesson for me
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in making this movie was how much I needed to be able to rely
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on the team that I put together. The the story is extremely
8:11
personal. It's a, you know, very storied
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version of a fear that I had which was moving back to
8:16
suburbia, which we did in the middle of the pandemic.
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We were had been in Los Angeles for 20 years and decided to move
8:23
back to the house that we purchased in Portland, OR.
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And I was terrified because the idea of leaving my dream behind
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and focusing on my children, which is the way I thought of
8:35
the move as being. You know, felt like it really
8:39
was like the find it on nail in the coffin of putting me aside
8:41
for somebody else's needs, which is what parenting feels like.
8:44
You have to right. They come first.
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And instead it turned into I got to make my first movie right.
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It sort of turned out to be like oh, by actually admitting my
8:56
fear openly via art to the world I sort of solved my own problem.
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That said, it was, it was still terrifying and it's still a lot
9:05
of, you know, my own pain and. There too.
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And there's still something awful about living in suburbia.
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I'm not going to lie to you. Did you remind me?
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You moved like during when the pandemic happened and it was
9:17
like because of that. And it was mostly because of the
9:21
pandemic. So we had the opportunity to
9:25
purchase a house very near my parents that we knew we could
9:28
rent in. 2016 or 17, something like that.
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So we had been renting it, no more than that, 151415 anyway.
9:38
We've been renting it for 3-4 years and for the first three
9:41
years we had stable, solid renters and then they all left
9:43
at the same time. And then we ended up doing
9:46
insurance rentals, which meant like if somebody's house had a
9:49
fire or a flood or needed repairs, that insurance was
9:51
going to pay for. Insurance has to pay for
9:53
something comparable. So we were able to rent it for
9:55
that, but then. All of the renters vacated at
9:59
the same time. And so we ended up losing our
10:01
renters. And I was like, you know what
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it's a sign that was? This was summer of 2020.
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So we'd shut it down in March and then have these, you know,
10:10
four or five months. And we were being told this
10:12
house is going to vacate. And we knew that it would be
10:15
easier to rent this in LA than it was going to be to rerent the
10:18
house in Portland in the middle of terrible times.
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So we decided to try it. And we decided we thought that
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Portland was going to open up much faster than LA, which
10:24
turned out not to be true, particularly.
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But our local public grade school was a much easier fit
10:31
than than the local public grade school that we had in Los
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Angeles. We've been in the charter
10:36
schools and had to drive really far and stuff.
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So we were looking for a simpler option and that we've got, you
10:43
know, you could just afford a lot more out of the LA area for
10:47
sure and the schools are easier to deal with.
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That said it it's a different population, right?
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It just simply is, yeah. What we do magically in Los
10:58
Angeles is like live in a mirage dream in the middle of the
11:01
desert where there should literally not be a city and we
11:03
all get to pursue our passions. It's not not exactly how life
11:08
goes in Portland. Everybody drives 5 miles an hour
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under the speed limit. It's very confusing like just
11:15
it's a little chiller, a little slower pace which is you know
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like you said prosing pros and cons, ups and.
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Down pros and cons. Pros and cons.
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It's not me. I mean, I think that's, you
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know, I there's that. Oh, this is the reason that I
11:27
left. Like I can't drive 5 miles an
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hour under the speed limit. I drive very carefully, 6 miles
11:32
an hour over the speed limit. So I don't get a ticket, but so
11:35
I'm getting there faster. You know, it's just the things
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you sort of don't realize until you make a decision to change.
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Like every place has its, has its thing, has its thing.
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Yeah. So when you guys moved, were you
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still, Were you still teaching? No, I really shut it down.
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Teaching is. So I was teaching acting classes
11:57
for many years. I still coach one-on-one that I
12:00
really love to do. A group class is.
12:04
Yeah, I mean, we it's. Yeah, exactly.
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So that's what it is, right? It's much easier.
12:10
I mean, I know everybody's teaching on Zoom these days, and
12:12
it's a brilliant way to be able to give up your space and not
12:14
spend any money whatsoever on things, but that's nonsense.
12:16
Like acting classes should be in Person.
12:19
Right. I mean, that's the way your jobs
12:20
are going to be. That's the way your play is
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going to be. That's the way your movie is
12:23
going to be. So the idea that you're just
12:25
making it easier on yourself, you're not actually teaching
12:27
anybody any better that way, In my opinion.
12:29
I totally understand why it needed to happen during the
12:31
pandemic. I totally get that.
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And I'm glad that people didn't shut down, still had access to
12:35
their art. But I am a person who loves to
12:38
connect one-on-one, right? I love to connect directly to
12:40
the person opposite me. And I always found in Group
12:43
classes there'd be one person who had a greater need than the
12:46
other people might have, and you have to carefully split your
12:48
time between everybody and and those.
12:51
I was good at it, but it would frustrate me.
12:53
I want to get into it really in the weeds and let you know you
12:56
have an ally in me and someone who will truly understand you
13:00
and someone who can. Keep your secret fears and you
13:03
know guide you in the ways that you need to be guided.
13:07
So I I've stuck to doing one-on-one.
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But, you know, also look, directing a movie, it's not like
13:11
you'd be able to to run a weekly class at the same time anyway.
13:15
So I'm making, I would imagine not okay.
13:20
So take me back to before you had children.
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Where were you in your career when when you got pregnant and
13:30
like, when you decided, or if you actually decided to try?
13:37
So I moved to LA right after college.
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I was so sure I wanted to be an actor.
13:40
I wasn't one of those people who came to it later.
13:42
I'd known since I was a tiny person that that was what I
13:45
wanted more than anything. Clear lack of the right kind of
13:49
attention at some point in my upbringing.
13:50
Like, that's my theory on actors.
13:53
And so I moved in when I was 21, I guess to LA, and then met my
13:59
husband when I was 23 or 24. We were babies and we did it.
14:04
We we launched into our careers and we tried really hard to to
14:07
stay focused on that for a very long time.
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And so it wasn't until I hit 3033 that I was like, it is now
14:17
time to have a baby. And so at that point I I had
14:22
booked a I could consistently book costars.
14:24
I always had like a commercial around, not necessarily
14:28
overlapping, but you know, I I was, I was a stalwart working
14:32
actor, right? Like I could.
14:34
I could say I always had a job in the work somewhere or
14:38
auditions coming up. Like no one forgot about me.
14:41
But I never broke. I never got to the point where I
14:44
was. Where?
14:47
Where It was easy to just expect the next job to come along, and
14:50
that got old and that got hard and that got, you know, the
14:53
audition process blows. I mean, it just really is the
14:56
least pleasant thing in the entire world.
14:59
So I got a little frustrated with with that being the main
15:02
focus. And so I was 33 when I got
15:05
pregnant and 34 when I had my first child.
15:10
Is that right? Yeah.
15:12
I was like wait, I'm trying to do math and now my brain is too
15:14
tired to do math ever again. So.
15:18
So I had we have been married I think almost 10 years.
15:21
By the time we got we we got pregnant.
15:23
Maybe it was not eight or nine anyway, a long time and we'd
15:26
really had a chance to have our our youth and our play around
15:31
with our goals and all of those things.
15:33
And and I I always knew I wanted to have kids.
15:35
I was not going to give up that opportunity and I didn't want to
15:37
wait so late that it became difficult for me.
15:40
To try like you've heard so many stories of the tragedy of having
15:43
difficulty getting pregnant or not being able to get pregnant
15:46
and needing to find alternative ways of that.
15:47
You want that to be part of your life, I the case.
15:52
So often, I mean, we don't talk about how many miscarriages
15:55
there are, how difficult in fertility is, how you know many
15:57
people don't find the right partner and then are you really
16:00
going to do it so low? Like, it's a very, it is not an
16:02
unfraught question. We're talking about freezing
16:05
eggs or like other opportunities that we think, yeah, there's so
16:10
many ways. All valid.
16:12
And I just want like, can I just put it out there in the
16:14
universe? Like stop fucking shaming other
16:16
women for not doing it the way you would do it or would want to
16:21
do it. Especially if it was easy for
16:23
you because I'm that bitch. I'm the one for him.
16:25
It was like I got pregnant two months into trying and it was
16:28
fine and my pregnancy was healthy and then I had an
16:31
emergency C-section and I don't regret that for a second.
16:34
And for me, breastfeeding was easy, but I do not judge you if
16:37
it wasn't for you and you didn't want to do that like.
16:40
All you need to do is be a person who figures out how to
16:43
love your child. And postpartum is a thing.
16:45
And sometimes you have to figure out that process of it too,
16:47
right? So I don't know the number of
16:49
stories I've heard, my dearest friends going through turmoil I
16:52
didn't have to go through. You know, we deserve, we deserve
16:56
it to each other, to be better to each other than that.
16:58
Know each other's stories. You think like one thing
17:02
somebody says and you're like, well, how could you do that?
17:04
And it's like, well, there's so much more back story that we're
17:09
not, it's none of our business, it's like.
17:12
Our business and someday it's uncontrollable, right?
17:15
You know it's a chemical situation and or there's an
17:18
emotional turmoil you don't know anyway, I'm just saying like
17:21
let's be kinder to each other. Can we moms and and women who
17:25
you know who don't want children too, right?
17:28
Like I fully respect that it is the best worst paying job I have
17:33
ever had being a mother. Like it pays nothing.
17:36
And I love it. But I totally understand why you
17:39
wouldn't want to do that. And the responsibility is
17:42
obnoxious and enormous and good on you.
17:44
I feel like not signing up for that.
17:46
I have no issues with that whatsoever.
17:49
No, you do. You do you.
17:53
That's part of me knows friends that like, have decided it's not
17:57
for them. And not gonna lie, a little bit
18:00
of me, it's like, that's kind of nice to know for sure that you
18:04
didn't, that you don't want that.
18:07
Because there are also people who are like, I never thought, I
18:12
definitely don't want kids, but I never always dreamed of being
18:16
a mom. So there's always that Gray area
18:20
where you're like, I guess I'll be a mom.
18:22
And that shouldn't be shamed either.
18:26
It used to be it used to be just what you did, right.
18:29
You got married. You had kids.
18:30
And we're, I think we're fortunate to live in a world
18:33
where that's a question and not a statement because frankly the
18:36
children who are wanted or going to grow up in a better world.
18:41
And God knows there are plenty of children out there who have
18:43
difficult lives. Like let's not force it upon
18:45
anyone. So anyway I mean look it's the
18:49
idea that we're here to pop, like repopulate the human race.
18:52
I don't know. That's nonsense.
18:53
That's not why I want to have kids.
18:54
You know. So okay, let's go back.
18:58
So you you definitely knew you wanted to be a mom.
19:04
You were pretty consistent, and your career first baby came came
19:11
to be. Were you nervous when you were
19:14
telling reps, or were you nervous about not getting
19:18
auditions or what you were going to audition for?
19:21
Oh, hell yeah. But but at the same time, look,
19:23
for me it was I knew this was a decision I wanted and I I
19:28
understood what the consequences were going into it.
19:30
Right. I'm not.
19:30
I'm not the person who's like, Oh my God, this I I didn't think
19:34
of that thing. I'm overthinking everything 17
19:36
steps down it. So I knew that it was going to
19:38
put a damper on things. It didn't occur to me like I
19:41
fell off of the SAG health insurance for the first time.
19:45
In many years, the year after I was pregnant because I didn't
19:48
book enough work obviously, right.
19:50
Like I think I had one commercial at the very beginning
19:51
of my pregnancy before I was showing.
19:53
But then you get your body fucking looks different and I'm
19:56
refused to call, right? I had.
19:58
I actually got in a really big fight with an actors like hey,
20:00
how's it going Fatty And I launched into him.
20:04
I mean he's an asshole anyway, obviously, right?
20:05
But I was like, you don't fucking say that to anybody, let
20:08
alone a woman who's going through the most difficult thing
20:11
her body's ever going to have to go through.
20:12
Can you? I was like.
20:14
Excuse me? Like what kind of I hated?
20:17
I hated being pregnant and people being like, let's see how
20:20
big your belly is or like, show us the big like.
20:24
I mean, I didn't truly, deeply care.
20:27
But there is part of me that's like, don't.
20:31
Don't ask people that. Oh my God, let's see how sad you
20:34
are. It was effectively what you're
20:36
asking, right? And it's like, look, our society
20:38
has ingrained us with a fear of what our body looks like,
20:41
period. Right.
20:42
What? You know, whatever that is we've
20:43
got, we've all got our things and I'm trying very hard not to
20:45
impart that on on this generation and I watch a lot of
20:47
moms doing a way better job of that then our parents generation
20:52
knew how to do right. Like, we understand what's
20:55
prized, but we're also, you know, curves are better now than
20:58
they were before and which is so fucking great.
21:03
But no, I mean there's there's just no excuse to be body
21:06
shaming someone who's in the middle of the most beautiful
21:09
thing that they could be going through.
21:10
Especially because not all of us feel like it's the most
21:12
beautiful. I know so many people who hated
21:14
being pregnant. For me, my hormones, like, send
21:17
me out and I was like, I was the IT was like putting me on happy
21:21
pills. I was like, yeah, I'm going to
21:23
roll with all the punches. I think I mentioned this to you
21:26
at one point, but like, my, the stuff that happened in my life
21:28
during my pregnancy was insane. When I was 4, 1/2 months
21:32
pregnant, my house flooded and we had to move into temporary
21:36
housing with all three of our dogs and all of our possessions
21:39
as they. So I had to, like, redo the
21:40
house while I was pregnant. I had a terrible thing happened
21:44
with a girlfriend that was really, really, like,
21:46
emotionally traumatic for me. And then my husband had a
21:49
goddamn stroke when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant in the hospital.
21:54
Like, we don't know if he's like a vegetable.
21:56
We don't know if he's like any of those things.
21:58
And I'm not joking because I was pregnant and my hormones were
22:01
like, OK, guess we're just going to do this now.
22:07
But for a lot of people it makes them much more anxious and it
22:10
makes them much more panicked and it or it makes them very sad
22:13
or it makes them ill. So again, I'm the asshole for
22:17
him. This all of the the child
22:18
bearing stuff was relatively easy except for actual
22:21
childbirth. But hey, we got that totally.
22:25
But but again, this is not the pattern we expect.
22:28
It's going to be how it's going to be, right?
22:30
So, so, yeah. So for me, pregnancy was a was a
22:34
delight. And so I didn't hesitate to sign
22:38
up to do it a second time. Except that I loved my first
22:42
child so desperately. Like the moment they put her in
22:45
my arms, I was like my pocket maybe.
22:48
And like that was everything that I was terrified I wasn't
22:51
going to love the same one the same way.
22:53
And thank goodness they put her in my arms and I had the exact
22:56
same chemical reaction. Like, there are different
22:59
people, but it doesn't make a difference to me.
23:01
Like, I can love them equally or like differently, but the same
23:05
amount is the better way to put that, you know, like they're
23:08
different people. You're going to love them in a
23:09
different fashion, I think. But yeah, I didn't think too
23:14
much during that period about how much stress it was putting
23:18
on my career, which I'm not going to pretend it didn't.
23:21
And it was one of the reasons that I was eager to find a
23:24
different way into having a career in entertainment through
23:27
directing instead of just acting.
23:29
Because I hadn't tried to make any money or, you know, hadn't
23:32
had that be my primary focus until rather after having
23:37
children? So after the first were you you.
23:42
Is that when you did you immediately start thinking about
23:46
or I guess you thought of it ahead of time shift gears a
23:50
little bit or not even shift but add directing.
23:55
Well, I guess I didn't think of it like that at first.
23:59
I started to do that is the honest truth.
24:01
Because one of the things that happened for me when I had kids
24:05
was it knocked me out of thinking that that I How am I
24:11
gonna? I was always a really giving
24:13
person. But at the end of the day, like,
24:16
I was somehow convinced that my acting career was the most
24:21
important thing. I spent all of my energy and all
24:25
of my time working towards this not controllable goal, frankly.
24:31
Right, Right. I mean like, it's the most
24:33
annoying thing about acting is you can be amazing at it.
24:35
You can, you know, have aligned yourself with all the right
24:37
people and if it just doesn't click, it just doesn't click
24:40
right. There's a lot of social
24:43
connections necessary for there's a lot of other things
24:46
that go into it right that are simply just not in your control.
24:49
And so, but I stopped giving a shit.
24:52
Like, I really stopped after the first time.
24:53
I was like because my love and attention was on something.
24:56
Besides the sort of panic of whether or not I was going to
24:59
achieve the goal I'd always had. I chilled out about a lot of it,
25:04
and I actually booked more consistently after I had her.
25:08
But it was also less desperate of a need.
25:12
It was less, not less satisfying.
25:14
That's not the right thing. Because who doesn't like to be
25:16
wanted? Less precious?
25:18
Sure. And what I realized was I'm not
25:20
choosing what stories I tell when I'm auditioning for
25:24
somebody else's projects. Sometimes they're great,
25:26
sometimes they're completely uninteresting.
25:29
Sometimes it's a commercial, which is just not, I mean, it's
25:31
just money. It's just money is what it is.
25:35
And so directing came in because I really wanted to have some
25:39
some say in in the stories I was choosing.
25:44
And I was instantly good at it because I already worked with
25:46
actors a bunch. I my husband's director in the
25:49
documentary world, but I'd been in the edit room.
25:51
And so I had a sort of like an inherent accidental sense of how
25:55
what bits you needed to have the thing to be able to put
25:58
together. Very simplified version of it
26:00
which I've been working on refining obviously, but I never
26:04
was the person who's like, Oh my God, I missed a shot or I didn't
26:07
get that scene or I really wish I had, right?
26:09
It was like this is what I planned and this is what I have
26:12
accomplished. Yeah.
26:13
So if that makes sense. So your husband is in the
26:17
industry too, So how do you find the with these inconsistent?
26:25
Is his work more consistent or the same?
26:29
Like, Yes, sort of. Right.
26:30
He had, because he edits, he can edit professionally that if he
26:36
takes a job on somebody else's project, he's also a director
26:38
primarily and a creator, right. So, you know, his dream is to be
26:42
able to work entirely on his own projects and have them be
26:44
funded. And he often gets the chance to
26:46
do that. But if he doesn't have the
26:48
chance to do that, he just takes an editing gig.
26:50
So he was always our sort of stability in the in the
26:55
financial sense of not having to worry about whether or not, you
26:58
know, I had a dog walking business for a hot second.
27:01
I, you know, hosted a restaurant that was an epic disaster.
27:05
I quit after like 3 weeks. I was like, sorry, this is.
27:07
I'm just not even that good at this.
27:09
Like, I can't even walk people to their table and give a shit.
27:13
So awful. Like, I feel weirdly bad about
27:16
that to this day. I was like, this is boring.
27:19
I can't. I don't want to do this anymore,
27:23
so. So we we were very fortunate I
27:26
think in in two ways. One that we're both in the
27:28
industry so he understands what I'm going through, but because
27:31
he does documentary, we're not remotely in competition for
27:34
jobs. There's no sense of if he gets
27:37
something, I get there's no jealousy, right?
27:41
That's a good thing for him and it's in a different side of
27:43
things. And if I get an acting job, it's
27:45
not like he's like, damn it, I didn't get an acting job.
27:47
But there's no direct comparison.
27:50
So we've always been able to simply celebrate each other's
27:53
successes, and that does not always happen.
27:56
When you have two people actively in the same industry.
27:58
It's really it can be really hard for sure.
28:01
Yeah, because with with me and my husband, it's we're both
28:06
actors and obviously we're not in competition with each other,
28:12
but and and he's much better about it than I am being like
28:15
what's a win? For you, what's a win for one of
28:19
us is a win for both of us. And I'm just selfish Most of the
28:24
time I'm thinking, but I want this.
28:27
And I, you know, and I get it, it is, it is what's good for one
28:33
of us is good for both of us. But at the same time, if he gets
28:36
5 auditions in a week and I don't get any.
28:39
That's got in there. It's hard not to compare and
28:42
look, we are also trained, I think, particularly as women, to
28:45
be comparing ourselves directly, right?
28:47
I think it's actually, it's a it's a thing that we've done
28:49
since we were little, right? That girl has a cuter skirt than
28:52
me. That girl has blonder hair than
28:54
me. Unless you're Emily, in which
28:56
you have the most perfect blonde hair in the world.
28:57
So true. Which is so weird, totally off
29:00
topic. But I just got new headshots and
29:01
they look my hair looks super dark and I was like, I was like,
29:06
wait, am I a brunette? What's happening?
29:08
You are not a brunette. We can just.
29:10
Very weird. I was like, I think obviously a
29:12
lighting situation that isn't here, here nor there, but no, it
29:16
matters. But that's my point is like
29:17
we're hyper aware of these things.
29:19
We're hyper aware of our position and things.
29:21
We're hyper aware of how we come across, how we appear and and
29:26
where we are in the hierarchy. Some guys are more than others
29:30
too by the way. But, but that's the thing.
29:33
Yeah, you got to shed that if you're going to succeed in the
29:36
industry, of course, but then it's also much easier to do that
29:40
if you're rising to the top. Yeah, for sure.
29:43
Well, that's one of the reasons I wanted to do this podcast,
29:46
because I knew I'm already a compare and despair type of
29:51
person, especially with the fucking social media.
29:54
It's the worst social media, which of course now I'm like
29:58
sharing all of this on social media, but hopefully it's a
30:01
positive thing for everyone and I see that going.
30:05
Into motherhood, especially already comparing myself to
30:11
other actresses, then going ahead and comparing myself to
30:15
mothers to other mothers and being like, I know, I know I'm
30:19
just going to compare and I know this image that everyone's
30:23
putting out is not realistic. I know what's actually happening
30:28
in people's lives and their brains and what their
30:31
experiences are because. If I do that, I'm going to just
30:37
spiral weekly well, so here's what you need to know. 98% of us
30:42
are doing exactly what you're doing and also working hard to
30:45
stop well, and then like 20% of those are working hard to stop
30:48
doing. So most of us are just going to
30:50
keep doing it. 2% of people are mild sociopaths and they're
30:53
fine. They're going to, you know,
30:54
they're just convinced that everything that they do is
30:57
genius. And that's that's great if
31:00
that's how you want to live your life.
31:03
But no, that this is the this is the programming.
31:05
I think that we really need to undo.
31:06
I think that we really, you know, the fact that you are
31:08
doing, that's the fact that you're giving your
31:11
vulnerability, which PS:. Is what entertainment is all
31:14
about. Reminding others that it's valid
31:17
to be human. Reminding other people that, you
31:20
know what, I have feelings too. And sometimes they're
31:23
overwhelming and sometimes they're about a boy and
31:25
sometimes they're about a puppy. And sometimes they're about a
31:27
nuclear war. Right.
31:28
Like, it just doesn't matter. I I was watching some ROM com
31:32
the other night. And I was like, oh, yeah, those
31:35
feelings, Right. That movie was made for a 20
31:37
something. Right.
31:38
I'm the one who's like, oh, God, I can't watch the one about
31:40
Chernobyl because I'll be worried about my children for 17
31:42
days. Right.
31:45
Right. So.
31:45
So that's why we do what we do is to, to validate other
31:49
people's emotions. And so I applaud you for taking
31:52
it on to do it in the rawest of forms, which is being honest
31:56
with your own fears and all of that.
31:58
No, it's the it's going to help a lot of people.
32:01
It just will. Well, thank you.
32:02
I I hope so. I So how is it different for you
32:08
when when the second one came along?
32:11
Because I hear one is 1 and two is 10.
32:16
Is that true or because I like your?
32:21
Timeline because we're we were the same age when when I had May
32:26
I was a year older than you but and I would like another so and
32:33
I like that age gap they're like three years apart where it's
32:37
like maybe out of diaper be out of diapers before.
32:43
So how was, how was it bringing a second?
32:47
And I'm so glad you have that same feeling.
32:51
Holding her and all of that, but like logistically speaking.
32:56
So initially it is definitely not easier.
33:04
OK, well, you have to kind of divide it into categories a
33:06
little bit, right? First of all, never going to
33:09
regret having a second one because the older they get, the
33:11
more fun they have together, the more they play together.
33:13
All of that again, not always the case.
33:16
We understand that, you know, sometimes if you have 2 girls
33:19
that are in competition, but mine play, mine are besties,
33:22
right? So that worked out really
33:23
nicely. Or I did something right, but I
33:25
think it's actually much more nature than nurture in this
33:28
instance. They're just both sweet kids who
33:31
find good ways to play together, and the younger one lets the
33:34
older one boss are around and it's fine, They.
33:36
Have good parents so that that. I sure would love to think that
33:41
had anything to do with it, but I don't know if it's that as
33:43
much as as anything else. So a couple things.
33:46
First, you know what you're doing with the second one, so
33:49
nothing surprises you about it, but it's not like you have to
33:51
stop doing what the first one needs to so it it isn't twice as
33:56
much work, it becomes exponentially more difficult to
33:58
just balance the two. It's more like a factor of 2
34:01
instead of like just twice as much, right?
34:06
The other thing is you forget how nap times don't balance out.
34:10
Like a three-year old naps once a day, right?
34:13
If they nap at all anymore. And a newborn naps all the
34:16
motherfucking time, so they never nap at the same time.
34:20
You will not be leaving the house as much.
34:22
Someone is always going to have to be.
34:24
But the second one for us was much.
34:27
She was chiller about everything.
34:29
She's like, it's now time for me to nap.
34:30
I will now go to sleep. So yeah, again, like, here's
34:35
what I found in talking to my friends.
34:38
I have a friend who's like, I desperately want to have my
34:41
third child really quickly because I want to get to 4.
34:43
I'm like, the hell are you talking about?
34:46
And she's like, well, I was one of six.
34:48
So for her, right? Like for me, the idea I have no
34:52
more energy to give, like I couldn't have a third child,
34:56
That's not going to happen for me.
34:57
But I also expensive. How do you afford two children,
35:02
three children, four children? My God, don't even get well.
35:05
And I will tell you, she puts actually a lot.
35:06
And she gave up on her dreams and put a lot of energy into a
35:09
secondary career so that she would have enough money to be
35:11
able to afford as many kids as she wanted and a spa to every
35:14
once in a while. That's her choice, right?
35:16
And she's making good solid decisions in that.
35:19
Fine, but I think we tend to want what we're the most
35:24
comfortable with. I have two older sisters, two
35:27
older sisters and is that about the age gap too?
35:24
You have a sibling. One is 2 years older, one is 6
35:33
years older. OK.
35:38
Not anymore. So I bet you have a very
35:35
different relationship with the two year older one than you do
35:37
the six year older. But yeah, yeah, of course.
35:41
Now. Now I'm like, we're all the same
35:42
age we're all, we're all just one person affection.
35:46
Yeah. So for look, for me, it worked
35:47
out great. I hesitate to be like do it.
35:49
Exactly the way I did it, because I don't believe that's
35:52
good advice. I think it's do it the way your
35:54
heart tells you to do it. And look, once you have the
35:58
child, it's not like you have a choice, like you're going to
36:00
make it work, right? So would I have chosen to do
36:03
anything differently? I don't understand the validity
36:06
of thinking that thought through.
36:07
Because I didn't. I won't.
36:10
I can't. So I feel like I did a brilliant
36:13
thing. I would agree, Do you think?
36:18
Obviously, like the schooling and all of that and the pace is
36:22
different in Portland. But has it been?
36:27
How different has it been besides that for you as a as a
36:32
family and as an artist moving from LA where it's so and I
36:39
don't know how expensive Portland is, but where LA is
36:42
obviously so expensive and then moving.
36:46
But, and the everyone here is pretty much doing the same thing
36:50
to Portland where I assume maybe it's more affordable and
36:55
probably not everyone's in the business.
36:59
So weirdly, yes, housing prices are cheaper.
37:05
So we our house. I'm going to, I'm going to
37:07
humble brag for a second. Our house in LA, which we bought
37:10
like when we were engaged, I don't know what we were
37:12
thinking. I think we weren't even
37:13
technically engaged yet. Whatever it's not, it's not what
37:16
I would recommend, you know. It's like probably.
37:18
Which is amazing. I don't even understand how
37:20
people buy a house, Rent a house here.
37:25
If we hadn't. Look, we bought an Echo Park in
37:27
2006, five, 2000. I think we closed in 2006,
37:31
right? So it was before the crash.
37:34
It was before, you know, housing prices skyrocketed quite the
37:38
same way. And it was before Echo Park was
37:40
cool. So I mean it was slightly
37:42
sketchy if we're going to be totally honest about it, right?
37:44
Like I did not walk at night by myself at that time in my own
37:49
neighborhood, but we could afford there and we knew we
37:52
wanted to be homeowners and so we went for it.
37:55
That choice gave us the equity to take out of the house, to put
38:00
into the house in Portland and we weirdly got that.
38:04
So up here we have a 45155 hundred square foot house on
38:10
half an acre of land with a goddamn stream running along the
38:13
side of it, a block and 1/2 from my parents.
38:16
It's a falling down midcentury modern, but midcentury wasn't
38:19
cool five years ago here it was huge in LA.
38:21
But Portland, it looks like Germany, right?
38:23
Like it takes 10 years later for the fads to hit.
38:26
It's like they're just drinking soy milk there now.
38:28
I haven't even found out about oat milk yet.
38:31
Portland's better with the food stuff.
38:32
They they started kale, but but but weirdly, that doesn't make
38:38
gas prices cheaper and that doesn't make, you know,
38:42
electricity cheaper. And the weirdest part is because
38:48
we don't have the size of Labor force up here, an electrician is
38:52
like three times as expensive and harder to book and a plumber
38:55
is like impossible to find. And so the all of the ways in
38:59
which we thought we were going to save money and be able to
39:01
redo the house, like we haven't even started yet because it
39:03
ended up being way more expensive than we thought it was
39:05
going to be. Which again, it's fine, like,
39:08
you know, but but the benefits that we anticipated having were
39:12
much more in calm pace, if that's the thing you like, which
39:16
I don't. And the quality of the schools,
39:20
which in our neighborhood, because we bought into a really
39:24
lovely neighborhood, were great. Not true all across the school,
39:27
all across the city, though. So this idea that escaping LA is
39:33
inherently easier, I haven't found to be reliably true.
39:39
Being an artist up here is a fucking joke, like trying to get
39:42
I can't get enough work as an actor.
39:44
There's like one commercial every six months and and this is
39:47
part of just where the industry is at, like it.
39:50
You know, there's been more in the past.
39:51
We used to have a consistent show up here at a time and that
39:53
just isn't happening right now. Whether that's pandemic, we
39:56
don't know. So, you know, as an artist, I've
40:01
come back down to Lai still, you know, often even I I do.
40:04
I mean, we have a residency down there, right.
40:06
So I always claim that I can. You know, I'm still in Portland
40:10
finishing a project, which is true.
40:12
But available for local hire in Los Angeles or based in Los
40:15
Angeles, which emotionally is true.
40:17
So, and I will, I'll pay my way to go, get back down there to do
40:23
the jobs that I need to do. Yeah, well, since you feel like
40:27
Portland still obviously is not your place, do you think about
40:33
moving back or is that just the whole, like, daily?
40:38
Forms not no, no. I think about it all the time.
40:41
I mean we our renters are are planning on leaving together
40:44
over the summer as much as I think because we are like look
40:48
we need a we need we've been back and forth so much for work
40:51
stuff and meetings and that way like why we have a house there.
40:53
We need a place, a place we can stay.
40:55
Couch surfing at 42 is not a great option.
40:59
It's just not ideal. And and so we're like, well,
41:03
we're going to take over part of the house and they were like,
41:04
well, we're not going to be renting it if we don't have the
41:07
the entirety of the place. So whether we do, but whether we
41:10
do by like split time between the two cities as the adults and
41:13
leave the kids up here or whether we all come back down as
41:15
a family is still very much up in the air.
41:16
So yeah, I guess what I'm saying is the idea that you can be an
41:20
actor somewhere else may have been true during the pandemic,
41:23
but now that there are I'm missing commercial auditions all
41:27
the time because they are same day or two seconds later or you
41:30
have to be local. And I know my agents are not
41:32
submitting me for those things anymore.
41:34
So, and I miss Lai mean, I think that's the biggest thing.
41:37
If you didn't miss it, you wouldn't have the urge to come
41:39
back down, right? So that's.
41:42
True. How did you find that becoming a
41:45
mother, besides wanting to take more control over your career
41:51
and may be able to make those choices, How do you think it
41:54
impacted your? Actual acting.
41:59
Besides, like you said that it's the auditions are a little less
42:04
precious because you have this these bigger things to worry
42:09
about, no? Did it affect like your actual
42:14
acting or did it at all? Definitely it did.
42:17
I mean, I not making everything precious.
42:20
I think is the name of the game. In film acting in particular,
42:22
I'm not claiming that that's true for stage.
42:24
I think it's a very different thing and you're bearing a
42:26
different kind of version of your soul and stage.
42:29
But in film acting, what I have realized is we are always
42:35
presenting a version of ourselves and if we like
42:38
ourselves completely, which I like myself better as a mother
42:41
than I ever did as a single person.
42:44
Like I know who I am now better. I know what purpose.
42:47
I know what I have to give. I know how good I am at doing
42:52
things that other people aren't going to do, you know, Like I
42:54
just have a grounded sense of self in a very different way.
42:57
So like I said, I I found that my my auditions may have
43:01
dropped, especially during pregnancy and those kinds of
43:03
things a lot. And then leaving town means I
43:06
have to reestablish myself with a lot of casting directors.
43:09
But the ones who love me, love me.
43:11
And I'm never going to turn in a bad performance.
43:13
I'm never going to turn in something where I put too much,
43:16
you know, nonsense into it anymore because I don't have
43:19
time. So, you know, I remember when I
43:21
was when I was coaching full time, like I know it was my 24
43:24
hours a day job and I coached someone who had more success
43:28
than not. They would do one or two takes
43:30
of everything and send it in. That was it.
43:32
They're like, that's what you get.
43:33
This is how much of me you get, that's how much of my time you
43:35
get. And that to me was like, Oh my
43:39
God, the difference between that and the 7000 takes that a less
43:43
seasoned and less comfortable with himself actor is probably
43:47
more what it is would do is like you didn't do yourself any
43:50
favors. And so I've thankfully crossed
43:52
over to that category and I hands down think motherhood is
43:56
huge part of that, just knowing who I am.
44:00
I love that so much. It makes me feel so.
44:04
I just. I love that motherhood puts us
44:07
in just such a different mind frame.
44:12
I don't know what the right term or what I'm trying to say, but
44:17
yeah, that it is. Well, look, it's a different
44:20
phase of life. It's a different phase of life.
44:22
It just is. So I I've been, I've been doing
44:26
a lot of soul searching lately. You know, I'm, I'm 42 now and I
44:30
love being 42, but I'm not the same person that I was when I
44:34
was 22 or 32, which was almost the bigger surprise, right?
44:38
I was always really pleased that I waited to have kids because I
44:40
thought, you know, I was more grounded, more stable and more
44:42
settled. I think that's that was really
44:43
helpful, although my joints definitely don't like getting
44:48
down on the floor as much as somebody who had them at 22.
44:51
There's that. But, but I do think that you
44:54
know in in Western culture we either think of ourselves as
44:57
young or as old and motherhood is a middle phase, right?
45:02
You are no longer solely responsible to yourself.
45:05
You are completely dedicated TO1237 whatever tiny people and
45:11
that that that ability to give directly instead of broadly in
45:16
your 20s when you're trying to date and you're trying to figure
45:18
it out and it's all like spread all over the place or or even
45:21
when you're in your older years and you become sort of like
45:23
wisdom counsel and you're giving back to the community right.
45:26
Like you don't have that directive focus.
45:28
Like we need to focus in right now.
45:30
We need to protect our brood and our you know sense of self and
45:35
we it's okay like turn inward a little bit differently.
45:38
I guess it took me a long time to realize that because I
45:42
thought that I was still supposed to be looking as young
45:43
as possible and feeling like the ingenue.
45:45
And I never was. Like, I never booked those
45:47
parts. The first commercial I ever
45:49
booked, I was 23 years old and I had two kids.
45:51
Like, this is my essence. Much better than you know.
45:55
I never played a cheerleader. Like it was never going to
45:58
happen. You know, like we're living
45:59
parallel. Yes, I know.
46:01
And I do feel the same way. We're in in college, I was told
46:05
like, you're going to play the ingenue.
46:07
And I never. Did I never And yeah, like the
46:11
first big commercial I had like an 8 year old and I was like 27,
46:16
which I guess is pretty normal, but well, no, that's it's a
46:19
little off. It's a little off there.
46:21
Yeah, but but yeah. And now going back to those
46:25
headshots, I was talking about the new ones I got and I wanted
46:29
my I wanted to learn more mature and wanted, because obviously
46:35
that's the only direction I'm going in.
46:38
But then again, seeing it and being like this is what I
46:41
wanted, but still having the vanity of being, you know, being
46:49
me. I still had the vanity of
46:51
looking at it and being like, OK, Oh my God, those wrinkles.
46:55
This is what I look like and but going back to being like that
47:01
this you know yourself so much and you see yourself.
47:06
And like find purposes and being a mother.
47:09
But did you at any point like, feel like you lost any sense of
47:16
self or your. Yeah, I made an entire movie
47:22
about it. Yeah.
47:24
Yeah. No.
47:24
Well, I don't think I lost creativity.
47:26
I don't think it's that. I think here's the problem.
47:30
Creativity is a is a limited energy source.
47:33
Right. And parenting is 98% creativity.
47:38
You have to pivot at a moment's notice to change an emotional
47:42
state, to figure out a food that a child is going to fucking eat
47:46
to, you know, have an outfit that's not offensive, like you
47:48
are using the creativity there. And so there's simply less of it
47:52
to spend. Relievingly, that dissipates as
47:56
they get a little bit bigger and they get a little bit older.
47:58
You get more of that back. Again, it didn't go anywhere.
48:00
You were just using it very specifically and it becomes a
48:04
more targeted source as I think as the kids get a little bit
48:08
bigger. That's how what I found
48:09
certainly right now that they run off and play together for a
48:11
while, I don't have to deeply engage them with an imagination
48:14
game where songs or by the end of that you're you're toast,
48:18
right? There's there's nothing more for
48:20
it. So, but no.
48:22
And especially as soon as the cloud kind of cleared of the
48:25
Itty Bitty Baby phase. That's when I wrote the script.
48:28
I wrote the script for my movie, which is literally about the
48:31
fear of leaving my dreams behind and moving to suburbia like I
48:34
lived. I wrote that script before I
48:36
ever moved, before we had a plan to move and.
48:40
In that, Do you think that helped you move?
48:43
Like, make that decision, maybe not make the decision, but
48:47
helped you along the way? Yes.
48:50
I think the creepier part of it was how many things I
48:53
prophesized correctly. Like, the problems that I had
48:57
about moving back to suburbia all came true.
49:00
Like, like, I mean, it's hilarious.
49:01
Like, there's a scene in my movie and I actually really like
49:05
the moms in my school. I want to be very clear about
49:06
this. But there's a scene in my movie
49:08
where she's basically roped into, you know, working for the
49:11
PTA. And that, like, precisely
49:13
happened to me. Like, I don't remember
49:14
volunteering to do this, but suddenly I'm on the, you know,
49:17
board and I and I was like, wait, hold hold on, what?
49:21
Right. So all of the fears that I had
49:24
manifested. Maybe I'd already lived them and
49:26
so it was possible. Or maybe I made them happen all
49:28
by myself, I don't know. But one of the reasons I was
49:32
able to make the move was because I wrote the movie to be
49:35
shot in the house I was going to be moving into.
49:39
So even though I did not move with the plan to make the movie
49:42
firmly in place, I knew that I was moving into a creative
49:48
space. I guess is the best way to put
49:50
that right. I was moving into a place where
49:52
I could conceptually make the film I I knew I wanted to make.
49:58
So I think that part made it easier.
50:00
Yeah. How long after you gave birth
50:05
did you start working on the writing?
50:09
My youngest was probably 18 months old.
50:15
OK. So it was a bit, I'm not, I'm
50:19
not going to lie, it took me a second to get back into it.
50:21
And you know, auditioning came back faster and those things
50:23
came back faster. I did directing projects where
50:25
somebody else was the impetus because.
50:28
So for me, writing is the hardest part because you have to
50:31
like everything comes from within you directing.
50:34
You take what's on the paper, You interpret it, You figure out
50:37
what it needs to look like and feel like, and you should.
50:39
And you help everybody get to that same vision that you have.
50:42
Acting is frankly the easiest of them because you show up with
50:45
your lines memorized and then if someone tells you to rearrange
50:47
the way you say something, you do that instead.
50:50
But but for me, the writing the true, like genesis of an idea.
50:54
And so as I move into directing, I've said you know to all of the
50:57
the people that I'd like to work with.
50:58
Like I do not want to have to write all of my own projects
51:02
from this point forward to like I want to direct, but I want to
51:05
take somebody else's words and help interpret that story too.
51:08
I think that's of extreme value. And it takes a different, a
51:13
different side of yourself to do that.
51:15
Did you? I know so many women and me was
51:22
worried about we don't get a maternity leave.
51:27
Even my day job, which is a business owned by two mothers,
51:31
it doesn't have a maternity leave.
51:33
I mean, I had to use my sick paid.
51:37
And then so and then we luckily, yeah, luckily in California we
51:40
have you know, paid family leave and yeah, but we have what, six
51:46
weeks total? But yeah, that's it's a massive.
51:49
It's like it's six or eight for C-section.
51:52
So right, luckily I got 8. Yeah, you want me to be both
51:56
then? But were you worried about or
52:03
thinking? That you were going to take a
52:05
certain amount of time off? Or were you?
52:08
Like, I gotta have this baby and keep it going.
52:13
No, I didn't. But I but I also, because my
52:17
husband was the primary breadwinner, I know that
52:19
selfishly, I was able to just take the time that I needed to
52:22
take. He also was amazed.
52:24
I think also because we were both freelancers, he would he
52:27
could consistently make the money if we needed, but he could
52:29
also turn something down if it was financially stupid to do
52:32
that instead of him taking care of the kids.
52:34
So we played around with parttime nannies a little bit
52:37
when I was in Los Angeles. We haven't done that up here at
52:40
all. We have grandparents around the
52:42
corner and a couple of babysitters, but they're also
52:43
older. It's a different thing.
52:45
But no, it's absolute bullshit. You can't leave a newborn alone
52:49
in the amount that it costs to get good care for a newborn.
52:53
You see why women leave the goddamn workforce, right?
52:56
You see why someone has to become the stay at home parent
52:58
and it's so off and it's so nonsense because then you're
53:03
leaving these gaps in work history and all this kind of
53:05
stuff. So I didn't put pressure on
53:07
myself to get back in, but I don't think that it didn't
53:11
damage, you know, some of my relationships for sure.
53:15
Yes. Like, you know, people who don't
53:17
want to be parents can no longer look at you the same once you've
53:21
become a parent, right. And so it simply will change
53:24
your position in the world, no matter what.
53:26
It makes you closer to the people who have decided to make
53:28
that choice also. But you know, especially in
53:31
Hollywood, there's a whole host of people who are workaholics
53:35
who don't understand the idea that you would need to take time
53:38
off because your child needs to eat from your fucking body,
53:41
right? Oh, huh.
53:44
Wait, what? But I will say I booked the
53:47
first job I had back after Sophie, and my first was like
53:51
six weeks after she was born. I was like, what am I doing
53:54
auditioning for this? I was still, you know, it takes
53:56
a while for your body to get back into any kind of shape.
53:59
Whatever. Booked that job, pumped on set.
54:02
Everyone was lovely. Like, they made space for me and
54:05
room for me. So I don't think it's Hollywood
54:06
generally. I think it's there.
54:08
There are mental places where it's at where it's a problem,
54:10
but I don't think it's Hollywood generally.
54:12
Yeah. Or we just fear it so much and
54:15
we talk about it. Or we manifest by saying, like,
54:23
well, I'm not going to be able to do this.
54:26
And I do think people, I've learned, are more accommodating
54:31
than you would think, because the majority of people have.
54:35
Children. And they understand there are
54:37
some, you know, assholes who just are parents and always had
54:42
money, so they never thought about, you know what it what
54:47
else it takes. But yeah, no 1000% I do think.
54:53
I do think, look, in our industry, fear is the thing that
54:58
kills a career dead the most. Like, I've spent more time in
55:01
therapy dealing with my unfounded anxiety.
55:05
I I want to be very, like, open and honest about that.
55:08
Because the fears that I had came from things when I was a
55:11
kid that had nothing to do with whether or not I was good
55:13
enough. And so part of being a mom for
55:15
me was like, I'm good enough. I'm good enough to take care of
55:19
an entire human being. I'm good enough to be in your
55:21
stupid movie, especially your stupid movie.
55:23
But like the amount of preciousness and the amount of
55:27
like personal anxiety that we put on it.
55:29
So the best thing you can do for yourself, which has nothing to
55:32
do for with parenting, but I think it applies to parenting
55:35
also, get rid of the fear. If you're experiencing a large
55:38
amount of anxiety, there is an age-old reason for it and you
55:42
don't have to. The people who are succeeding
55:44
are not feeling the same amount of fear that you are feeling.
55:47
And I can tell you from the other side of having done some
55:49
insanely difficult work to get to the other side, it's possible
55:53
to eliminate it. It's necessary to eliminate it.
55:56
And boy, does it fucking feel better to not be, like, held
55:59
tight all the time. It's an insane amount of
56:02
difference. And you have these two humans
56:05
that are looking at you, that love you for literally doing
56:09
nothing. I mean giving them life, but you
56:12
know what I mean? But like, they love you for
56:15
like, you walk in the room and she smiles and I'm like, why?
56:19
Oh my God, you love me. I did.
56:21
But even that, right? It's like, it's because you're
56:24
awesome, Emily. Like, I want you, right?
56:26
Like it's it's magical, but it's also just true, right?
56:29
You are everything you are an entire world.
56:33
For a person, that is enough. And that should be the way you
56:36
go through the entire world is I am enough, right?
56:40
So that lesson that we can learn from parenting is 1000% true.
56:44
Double down on that. Don't you want to show her that?
56:48
Your that her mother doesn't experience the world as a scary,
56:53
terrifying place, but as a place she can go and take over and
56:57
make her own and make work for her and while at the same time
57:01
giving back, you know, and being a storyteller is an extremely
57:05
valuable job. I mean the amount of
57:07
justification of being human that that takes is it's not
57:11
nonsense I like. I feel very firmly about this,
57:15
that what we do matters and it matters more now that we are
57:19
trying to set a world that we want in place for these little
57:23
people. The world is fucked right now.
57:25
The amount of two sides that we're dealing with, the amount
57:28
of, like, vitterol and anxiousness and like, you know,
57:32
at each other's throats. Like let's take that down a
57:34
notch and let's be the people who do it and show them a
57:37
different path. And I I give you permission to
57:40
just stop thinking there's anything wrong with you, right?
57:43
Because like, there's not. There just isn't.
57:46
You're a person. I love that you say it is a good
57:49
to remind ourselves that what we do is important because I've
57:52
tried to stop saying. Because when I've talked to
57:55
people and asked like what your day job is or what you do and
57:59
they say something that I don't understand or that it's data or
58:05
something besides being an actor.
58:07
And I would always, I still sometimes will be like, oh, it's
58:10
a you have a real job and like what we do is beyond real.
58:17
Like it is real and then we also have to have five other real
58:22
jobs to frankly I think the other jobs are the bullshit jobs
58:27
compared to genuinely do. Like I actually think that of
58:31
course it would be easier to go sit in a cubicle for the
58:35
appropriate 8 hours and do the thing and then leave and go
58:38
home. That's what people tend to do in
58:39
Portland, right? Like they all work for companies
58:42
and they do their jobs and what they really want to do is go
58:43
outside and so they do that later or on the weekends or
58:45
whatever. I the idea that I could be
58:48
passionate about the thing that I want, That's the world I want
58:52
to live in. I want to be passionate about
58:53
everything that I do. And why not apply that to my job
58:56
and my children and, you know, life like?
59:00
And showing your children that to go for it to do what they're
59:05
passionate about, I feel like I should say it takes a specific
59:08
kind. I am not knocking the people who
59:10
are satisfied because what they want the most is the ability to
59:15
go skiing on the weekends, to take take the job, like do the
59:18
job that makes you the right amount of money to have the life
59:20
that you want, 1000% if you're lucky enough to even be able to
59:23
do that. Look, we're coming from a place
59:25
of extraordinary privilege here, right?
59:28
So, right, Like extraordinary privilege that we're able to pay
59:31
for our lives and give our children a completely beyond
59:35
adequate life, right, While pursuing a passion.
59:38
But let's not knock the passion as unimportant because it's
59:41
vastly important and everybody wants a piece of us.
59:44
Like the dream is we end up on television and everybody watches
59:47
our show, right? So how?
59:49
Like, let's stop thinking of that as not of value.
59:51
It's huge, hugely of value. Yeah, well, I could talk to you
59:56
just forever, but I will ask the one last question that I love to
1:00:01
find out is what is currently at the moment.
1:00:06
You're a lifesaver, either like a mantra or a anything or a
1:00:14
thing. An actual object.
1:00:16
A skin cream? I don't know.
1:00:19
Whatever you got. I'm doing a lot of selfcare
1:00:22
right now. This is a phase in my life where
1:00:24
I finally, you know, I I whoops, sorry, making a lot of noise.
1:00:27
I finally realized that if I did not put myself somewhere near
1:00:32
the top of the importance list that it was going to be a
1:00:34
problem. And one of the things that I've
1:00:37
been doing is combining my therapy with journeying
1:00:41
practices and, you know, finding my way back to a version of
1:00:45
spirituality that actually works for me better than organized
1:00:48
religion did and stuff. And I had the most amazing
1:00:50
message come to me in three different places at the same
1:00:52
time. So my dog passed away 2 weeks
1:00:56
ago. And he we knew it's terrible,
1:00:59
right? We knew he was sick.
1:01:00
He had a tumor. He'd had a seizure like.
1:01:02
And he gives weeks longer than he was supposed to have given
1:01:04
us. It was amazing.
1:01:06
And then three days later I got into a terrible car accident and
1:01:11
a guy you turned across me and I T boned him.
1:01:14
But it was not my fault and. And that was the message that
1:01:18
came out of it, right? Was I was sitting there and I
1:01:21
was like, horrified like that, you know, hi.
1:01:23
I should have done more for the dog.
1:01:24
And I couldn't. If I just break sooner, I could
1:01:26
not have, like. And literally I was in the
1:01:28
middle of therapy session. I was like, what is the fucking
1:01:30
universe telling me? What is it telling me?
1:01:32
And there's like, you know what it's telling me?
1:01:33
It's telling me it's not your fault, yeah.
1:01:38
And that was I have my entire life taken responsibility for
1:01:43
other people's feelings, for other people's needs.
1:01:46
For other people's and the idea that I could even control all of
1:01:51
those things instead of just saying no, you know what?
1:01:54
Sometimes, sometimes take responsibility by all means, but
1:01:58
sometimes it's just not your fault.
1:02:01
Shit happens like. So I think that's kind of what's
1:02:05
getting me through it right now is is first of all finding a
1:02:09
deeper sense of self in a deeper connection with.
1:02:13
The parts of me that we have to shut down in order to keep tiny
1:02:15
people alive and a sense of permission to experience the
1:02:23
world is a messed up place that I can't control.
1:02:25
Sometimes that happens and it's OK.
1:02:29
I love you so much. I.
1:02:31
Love you too. You're amazing.
1:02:34
Next time you come to LA, we need to hold each other.
1:02:39
Yes. Oh my God, I love that so much.
1:02:42
This is, but this is. Look, men are wonderful, all of
1:02:45
that. But our our sister
1:02:47
relationships, right, the relationships that we have with
1:02:49
women give us something so magical and so special and
1:02:53
that's you know, that also like let's cling on to those.
1:02:56
Let's love up on our our girls because the value that that has
1:03:00
is incomparable. And I love you so much.
1:03:02
Our big ones and our little ones.
1:03:04
Yes. Lucky us to have girls.
1:03:08
Yes, I know. Alright, I love you.
1:03:12
It was so good to talk to you. And that is a look into
1:03:16
Mommywood and a special thank you to my producer Cecilia Trip
1:03:22
with Laura Canyon Creative. And thank you to Edith Mudge for
1:03:26
my theme music. And don't forget to follow
1:03:30
Mommywood Podcast on Instagram and TikTok.
1:03:35
And please leave a nice review and a few.
1:03:39
Stars while you're at it, and I hope you enjoyed this episode of
1:03:44
Mommywood. And take care.
1:03:47
I need to write my bye.