Latest / The Mark Driscoll Show / Pastor Mark Answers Your Questions of the Week (May 8th, 2025)

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Pastor Mark Answers Your Questions of the Week (May 8th, 2025) · The Mark Driscoll Show

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  All right, this is a rough question and and these are the
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  questions that you got to tag somebody in, but how do I know
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  what I should fall for divorce from my husband in an unhealthy
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  marriage with children? And so when a marriage is
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  strained or broken, that's that's really difficult When you
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  add children to the equation now it's even way more complicated
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  because for those who have been divorced and have children, they
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  know that divorce doesn't end the relationship.
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  It just profoundly changes it. But as long as the axe is still
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  involved in the kids life, you're even if you're divorced,
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  you're still, you've still got these kids that are tying your
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  life together, Christmas, holidays, birthdays, vacations,
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  graduations, weddings. You're still having to navigate
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  the the broken marriage still has some form of relationship
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  with the children. And So what I would say is, as a
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  result, don't angrily or hastily rush into divorce.
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  There are reasons in the Bible why divorce is justifiable.
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  The most obvious is adultery. Adultery is in the old covenant.
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  It was a capital offense and you would kill them.
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  So you don't even have to go fill out the paperwork
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  necessarily for the divorce because the person is dead, the
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  relationship has ended. So the most clear qualification
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  for divorce is adultery. And there are others that are
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  debated like hardness of hard or various kinds of treacherous
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  behavior, which would fall into the category of abuse.
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  But before you rush into a divorce, because it's it's a,
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  it's a circumstance that is going to alter the marriage of
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  the family, the kids for generations.
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  Make sure you're not just making these decisions and anger and
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  haste or in isolation you this is where you bring in wise
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  counsel. You bring in wise counsel.
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  Maybe this is a godly pastor. What you don't do is just tag in
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  family or friends that take your side or they've been through
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  some pain so they're going to take up offense for you.
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  That doesn't help things at all. Maybe this is a, a, a godly
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  spirit filled Bible believing Christian counselor.
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  And even if your spouse isn't willing to go in, you go in and
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  meet with them and you're like, here's where I think we're at.
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  I think we're at that point where we're going to go our
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  separate ways. I know it's a big decision.
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  I'm coming under authority and I want to be honest and I want you
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  to give me your assessment. And maybe then if your spouse is
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  willing to come in, they're able to get both sides of the story.
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  Proverbs says one side is always considered right until the other
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  side is heard. There's like they say, there's,
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  there's always two sides to the story.
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  And so you don't want to just present your story and then get
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  a verdict. You want, ideally, both sides to
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  be heard, and somebody who's neutral, who's godly, who's
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  seasoned is helping to make that decision.
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  And that way, too, if you've made divorce a last resort and
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  there are biblical qualifiers for it, and godly spiritual
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  leadership has signed off on it, well, now you're in a place
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  where you have greater confidence that you're not in
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  disobedience to God, and you're simply walking out what is an
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  unfortunate, tragic and very, very painful past.
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  Yeah. And what I find is some people
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  because of legalism, they stay in marriage too long and they
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  endure some horrific things, or they just get angry and hasty
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  and they hit the ejack button too quickly.
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  And so I'll just close with this.
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  It's, it's really important with anything in life, but especially
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  regarding marriage, especially regarding the disillusion or
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  divorce of a marriage and the involvement of children, There's
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  two things. Number one, what's God's will?
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  What's God's will? And then what's God's timing?
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  And, and unless you get both of those right, you're going to
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  cause a lot of pain for yourself and your family and your kids.
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  And we love you. And I'm a pastor, so I don't
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  want that for you, but that would be the question.
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  God's will and then God's timing, and usually somebody
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  who's outside objective, not family and professional is in
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  the best place to make that determination.
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  In the same way, before you went in for a major medical operation
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  or condition, you would go consult with a specialist.
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  If you're going to do this kind of surgery where the 2 became
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  one and now they're going to become two again, you're going
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  to need to get somebody who's very seasoned and good at that
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  kind of wisdom and discernment. And then how to walk out that
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  process so that it doesn't become adversarial, it doesn't
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  become public, it doesn't create a situation where the kids are
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  in a hostage negotiation and the two of you aren't just setting
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  money on fire by hiring lawyers to just sort of bludgeon each
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  other with court orders. And so, yeah, there there's the
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  Lord's will, there's the Lord's timing, and then there's the
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  Lord's way. And those are the three.
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  Is this as well? Is this is time?
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  And what would be the way forward?
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  And I'm sorry you're in that situation.
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  Yeah. And I don't want to give a yes
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  or no, but I want to give some some steps and some advice to
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  get to the right decision for you.
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  OK, here's one How do I stop abusing alcohol and weed?
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  It's been a battle for years. So number one, stop, stop.
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  Just stop. If you're driving a car and you
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  keep getting in car wrecks, how do you stop driving?
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  You stop. If you keep yelling at your
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  spouse and making them cry, how do you stop?
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  You stop. By stopping.
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  You can over psychologize things.
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  What's the trauma? What's the trigger?
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  What's my response mechanism? What's the neural pathway in my
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  brain? You know, What is my
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  personality? How does my genetics play into
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  this? Why am I using this as a coping
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  mechanism? How am I self medicating?
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  Or stop, Just freaking stop. You don't have to smoke weed,
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  you don't have to drink alcohol. Do something else, do anything
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  else. Stop.
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  It's not that damn complicated. You know what?
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  Right now I'm sober. You know why I didn't drink?
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  You can do it. I just think we overcomplicate
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  things overnight. It's like I was drinking.
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  I'm not drinking. That's how I stopped drinking.
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  OK, here's one of the questions is once saved always saved in
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  the Bible? So the question so often as
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  people ask the question wrong, they'll ask can a Christian lose
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  their salvation? Wrong question.
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  The question is, can God lose a Christian?
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  See, salvation is God saves us, and if we're unsaved that means
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  that God lost us. So the question is not can we
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  lose our salvation? It's not ours.
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  It says in Jonah, salvation belongs to the Lord.
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  That's literally what it says. And so we don't save ourselves,
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  we're saved by God. Literally, when the Bible says
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  that Jesus Christ is Savior, that means he's the one who
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  saves and we're the one who's saved.
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  And so if I can't save myself, I can't unsaved myself.
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  If I can't do anything to earn my salvation, and it's a free
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  gift of grace, which it is through Jesus Christ, I can't do
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  anything to unearn my salvation. Now the problem becomes the Lord
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  knows who or his. That's what the Scripture say.
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  The Bible literally says the Lord knows whose are his.
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  The truth is, we don't always know who are his.
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  There are people like Judas Iscariot.
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  He's a ministry leader, probably knows the Bible well.
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  He's cried a lot at camp. He's sang all the songs.
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  He's friends with Jesus. He's part of the 12 disciples.
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  And you look at him and you'd say, well, there's a mature
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  believer, there's a Christian. And then in the end he denies
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  Christ and he betrays Christ and he is complicit in the murder of
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  Christ and he's possessed, filled by Satan himself at the
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  Last Supper. And so he's the case is what?
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  Did Judas lose his salvation? No, Judas was never saved.
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  It says he's the one doomed for destruction.
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  So you can't lose your faith. But here's what you can do.
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  You can fake it. Judas didn't lose his salvation,
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  he faked it. And there are a lot of religious
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  frauds. There are people who say Lord,
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  Lord, here's all the things we did in your name.
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  And in the end, Jesus says depart from me.
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  I never knew you. Jesus doesn't say I've changed
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  my mind and I've taken my grace back.
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  What he says is we never had a relationship in the 1st place.
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  You were a religious fraudster. You were a pretender.
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  You were saying and things that you weren't doing and you were
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  saying things you weren't believing.
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  And we never had a relationship. And so, yeah, you can't lose
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  your salvation. I mean, the Bible says Jesus, no
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  one can snatch us out of his hand.
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  You know, Paul says that I am convinced that neither height
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  nor death nor angels nor principalities, you know, nor
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  any other created thing can separate us from the love of God
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  in Christ Jesus. Paul says I'm confident that he
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  began a good work and you will see it through the completion in
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  the day of Jesus Christ. And so it's not that you're once
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  saved, always say, but it is that a true Christian perseveres
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  in their faith and their faith isn't perfect, but it is
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  persevering. And for those who are wondering
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  am IA Christian, that's a really important that is the most
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  important question. Do you do you do you believe
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  that Jesus Christ is God become man?
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  Do you believe that Jesus Christ lived without sin?
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  Do you believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross in your place
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  for your sins as your substitute?
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  Do you believe that Jesus was buried?
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  Do you believe that Jesus rose from the dead, that Jesus has
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  conquered Satan's sin, death, howling the wrath of God, that
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  Jesus Christ is the way, the truth, and the life, and that
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  nobody gets to the Father but by Him?
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  Then if you believe in your heart and you confess with your
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  mouth that Jesus is this Lord, then you will be saved.
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  And for those of you who are religious or spiritual, or maybe
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  you're borrowing the faith of your parents, you're borrowing
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  the faith of your spouse, or maybe you really don't like the
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  Lordship of Christ where he has authority over you and He has
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  the right to tell you yes and no, then you've got to really
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  ask yourself, have I truly been born again?
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  Do I have a new nature? Do I have new desires?
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  Do I belong to God and am IA Christian?
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  And if the answer is yes, it says this in first John around
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  40 times. It uses the word no and 1st John
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  I think is like 5 chapters but it says around 40 times in your
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  English translation. The first John, no, no, no, no,
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  no, no, no, no, KNOW. And it says, John says, rather I
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  write these things so that you may know they have eternal life.
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  God wants you to know with confidence that you have not
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  just life, but eternal life. And eternal life is an unbroken,
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  unchangeable covenant and packed and union and communion with
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  Christ. And God wants you to know that
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  you have eternal life. But know this, if you don't have
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  genuine faith, you can fake it. You can fool everybody, but you
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  can't fool the Lord. Here's a question from a single
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  person. What is the biblical
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  significance of proposals and engagements?
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  How does God look at it? So the Bible says that a man
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  will leave his mother and father in the King James cleave to his
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  wife. That means vigorously pursue and
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  prioritize and that the two will become one flesh.
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  So that is the process of marriage.
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  A grown adult man who is ready to enter into covenant marriage
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  and take on headship responsibilities pursues a woman
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  and then the two of them enter into covenant before God and
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  then they consummated. So marriage is covenant with God
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  and it's consummation with spouse.
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  And so that's Genesis 2. This is the pattern for
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  marriage. The apostle Paul quotes it.
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  So does the Lord Jesus. So you got Moses and Jesus and
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  Paul all saying this is the process.
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  The Bible also says that a man takes a woman or a wife and that
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  a daughter is given in marriage. Meaning the man needs to be the
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  initiator, the pursuer. He needs to be the one who is
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  seeking a wife and then the wife is given in marriage.
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  That's the language of the Bible.
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  The wife is given by the by the father usually.
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  And and so when we see a Christian ceremony where the the
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  father walks his daughter down the aisle and like I officiate a
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  lot of weddings and the pastor asked something like, well, who
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  gives this woman to be married this day?
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  And the father says something like I do along with her mother
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  or something like that. What he's saying is we were her
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  parents and now you're going to be her husband.
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  And the father is saying, I raised her as my daughter and
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  now I'm trusting you to be the primary man in her life, to
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  protect her and to provide for her and to be present with her.
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  So I've been walking with her up till now and now I'm handing her
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  off to you and she's going to walk with you.
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  So literally the Christian ceremony is showing something
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  that's not just traditional, it's Sacramento.
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  It's very spiritual. It's it's important.
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  So what happens with a proposal? Proposal is where you are, you
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  are getting permission from the parents, but through the
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  father's head of household so that he can give his daughter in
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  marriage. Therefore, be obedient to the
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  scriptures. Now, again, there are
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  exceptions. Let's say dad is gone or he's
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  just an evil, awful human being and you know, is an enemy of his
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  daughter. We're not trying to pretend that
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  he is earned the right to be in that position, but we're talking
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  about fathers, though imperfect, their present and, and their
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  good dads. And they, they've raised their
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  daughter. And so the proposal is the man
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  humbling himself and asking for permission.
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  And this is really, really important because if a man
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  pursues a woman and the daughter is given in marriage, that means
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  that the man in his pursuit, he needs to ask.
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  And before he asks, he needs to earn enough trust that the
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  family and the church family, they sign off like my
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  son-in-law, he got to know our family very very well.
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  And a good man will go get to know her friends and family.
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  A bad man will isolate her from her friends and family and get
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  her a loan so he can use an abuser.
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  My son-in-law to his credit, he got to know us.
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  We knew him very well. We had open relationship if I
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  had any issue with him or or my wife did.
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  We didn't even need to go through my daughter because we
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  had direct relationship with him.
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  Well, now we, we know him, we see them together.
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  We see how she responds to his leadership.
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  We see his character. So when he comes to ask, it's
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  like, well, we were expecting this.
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  We've seen this coming for a long time.
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  This isn't a big shock. And the answer is yes, because
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  you've, you've, you've earned our trust.
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  And and we see that you're, you're a good leader and head
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  and husband for our daughter. Now, if a man doesn't do that,
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  he's he's really damaging and breaking the relationship with
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  the extended family and also the church family.
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  And also it raises a grave question and that is what's he
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  trying to hide? Why is he sort of kidnapping
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  this girl and is she in danger? And then engagement is the time
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  where in the Bible it's called betrothal.
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  And so Mary and Joseph were betrothed.
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  Betrothal in the Bible was actually more intense than
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  engagement is today. That's why when Mary finds out
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  that she is with child, Joseph, it says sought to divorce her
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  quietly even though they hadn't consummated their covenant and
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  had their honeymoon night. The betrothal in ancient Judaism
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  in the 1st century was so intense that to call off the
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  engagement required a divorce. And so it so their version of
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  engagement was a lot more intense than ours.
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  But the point of the engagement is we have committed to marriage
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  and now we are confirming that we're ready for it because
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  there's God's will and then there's God's timing.
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  And so during the engagement period for the woman, this is
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  where a lot of preparations are made.
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  Most women want to have a certain kind of wedding and and
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  this is where you start going into premarital counseling and
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  maybe it's at your church or with a pastor or counselor and
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  you're like, OK, are we a good fit?
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  Have we worked through any abuse or trauma in our past?
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  How are we going to deal with our extended family?
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  Do we agree we want to have children?
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  How are we going to raise those children?
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  Are we both believers? Are we agreeing on how we're
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  going to worship God and what church we go to when the 2
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  become one, that means everything needs to come
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  together. So you got to do your homework
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  and make sure, number one, is this all going to come together?
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  And #2 just practically just how do we do that?
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  Like what is our financial plan? Where are we going to live?
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  What's our work plan? What's our worship plan?
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  Like you've got all these things.
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  And so the the engagement period is we are intentionally moving
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  toward marriage and we are going through the process of making
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  sure that we're ready and that the people that we hold in
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  highest esteem agree with us and that we're giving our marriage
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  the best opportunity to get off to the best possible start.
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  And let me say, there's too many young couples, they think of the
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  wedding days as a finish line. It's not the wedding day is a
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  starting line. Actually getting married is very
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  easy. Being happily married 50 years
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  later is very hard. And so the more work you do on
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  the front end to prepare for that long haul, the better off
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  you're going to be. And that's what the engagement
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  period is for. Thank you very much for watching
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  and if you do me a solid, go ahead and subscribe and we'll
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