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Sober Talk SA - Jade · Sober Talk SA

0:00
Welcome to sober talk. I'm Dennis and I've lived
0:03
experience of alcohol. If you or anyone you know is
0:06
struggling with alcohol, please call Alcoholics Anonymous on
0:10
1300 double 22222 or check out their website on aa.org dot AU.
0:19
I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
0:21
Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
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fellowship of men and women who share their experience,
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strengthen hope with each other. They must solve their come
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problems and help others to recover from alcoholism.
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The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop
0:37
drinking. There are no dues of fees for
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AIR membership. We are self supporting through
0:41
our own contributions. AIR is not allied with any SEC
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denomination, politics, organization or institution,
0:49
does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses or
0:53
oppose any causes. Our primary purpose is stir
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sober and help other Alcoholics achieve sobriety.
1:01
Hi, my name is Jade and I'm an alcoholic.
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I'm sober today and I'm really grateful to be sober today.
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And I always like sharing that for me, I know it's by the grace
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of God and a a that I'm sober today because I definitely
1:15
cannot do this myself. And I'm I'm grateful that I
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don't have to do this journey alone.
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I'm really grateful that I belong to the A a fellowship.
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For me, I believe that I was born an alcoholic.
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I didn't feel a part of anything right from the get go, like way
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before I picked up a drink. This is as a child.
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I just didn't feel like I belonged in my own family.
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I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere.
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I just felt different to everybody else.
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And, you know, I'd look around me and it just looked like
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everyone else knew how to live life and, and I didn't.
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And I just felt like there was something deeply wrong with me
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and I didn't want anyone to find out about that.
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Like I had a lot of shame around that.
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Like that feeling of not fitting in and not how not knowing how
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to do anything. I had shame around that and you
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know, I suffered anxiety as a child.
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I had panic attacks and you know, I just, I found life
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really hard. It was really hard for me.
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And a lot of the time I kept all that secret and it would just,
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it felt lonely. I felt really alone and I felt
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like I was the only one that felt that way.
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And then Fast forward to having, you know, my first drink, my
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first proper drunk, I'd, let's call it, at the age of 15, I
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just felt like, wow, I, I have found the answer to living
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because when I had that drink, I felt incredible.
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Like it made me feel warm. It made me feel at ease, like it
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really felt like a spiritual experience for me because my
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anxiety left me with that drink. You know, it was incredible.
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My panic attacks. I, I, I didn't feel panicked
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anymore. And you know, I felt good.
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I felt free. I felt like I could do life.
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Like I really felt like I'd found the answer, the living.
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I thought, thank God I can do life now.
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This stuff is amazing. Like, who would ever think that
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a drink could take away all my problems and set me free?
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But you know, I also really enjoy sharing that that was the
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biggest lie of my life because I was never free when I drank.
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Because like, I'm an alcoholic. Once I take a drink, I cannot
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stop. Alcoholism had me around the
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throat. I was a slave to alcoholism.
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As I said, once I take a drink I cannot stop no matter what plans
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I put in place. When I drink I get a complete
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personality change. Like when I'm sober I'm scared
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to check my letterbox in the dark.
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Like I have so much fear when I'm sober, yet when I drink, my
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God, I change completely. I am off, I'm running, I'm by
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myself. I'm in Hindley St. late at night
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and I'm with the biggest and the baddest people and I feel
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comfortable. Like I'm that different when I
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drink. Like when I drink I don't care.
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When I'm sober I care about everything and I'm afraid and
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I'm anxious. When I'm drunk I don't care
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about a thing and I'm off. And as I said, I'm running and
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yeah, I'm, I'm an absolute lunatic when I drink.
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And that not caring thing that, you know, that's awful.
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Like because I'm a mother. I'm a mother of four children.
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And when I drink, I don't, I don't care about my children.
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It's awful. You know, it took me a long time
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to realize that, you know, I neglected my children through my
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drinking. And yeah, I actually didn't
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think I was that bad when I was drinking, but I was.
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But, you know, I would, I would, you know, drink, but I would
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clean my house and make sure it looked really nice and clean
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and, and everything looked good. And I would make my children
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lunches and, you know, cook the organic muffins.
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And I'm an aerobics instructor as well.
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So, you know, I had this image of being fit and healthy, but I
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wasn't, it was it was all a lie. Like when I was cleaning the
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house, I was cleaning the house drunk.
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Like my kids saw me fall over the vacuum cleaner when I was
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cooking, I was cooking drunk like my Sid.
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My kids saw me fall into the oven, you know, as I'm cooking
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the muffins. It was awful.
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You know, my kids saw me with a glaze over my eyes constantly
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and, and not being able to remember the conversations I had
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with them the next day. There were nights I put my
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children to bed and I woke up the next morning and I couldn't
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remember putting them to bed. It was awful.
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I wasn't living life, you know, I was just existing.
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Yeah, it was just awful. And I actually came into a, A,
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the first time when I was about 33 and, you know, I'd had a
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drunken argument with my husband at the time and I broke my wrist
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in trying to push him out of the house.
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And I had deep shame around that.
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And I, I lied about it. I said, I, I said I broke my
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wrist by scrubbing the bath so hard.
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But you know, that was a lie. I, I tried to push my, my then
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husband out of the house and I just thought, my God, my life is
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just crazy. Like I am not a violent person
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yet when I drink, I'm starting to become violent now.
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So I rang my dad who is in the fellowship.
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He's been sober now for 44 years.
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And I rang him and I said, dad, can you please help me?
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I think I've got a problem with my drinking.
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And he took me to my first meeting and as I said, I was 33
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and I went to my first meeting and I identified straight away.
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Like I heard everyone's stories and I'm just like, my God, you
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know, I'm an alcoholic for sure. I'm definitely an alcoholic.
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But at 33, I just, I couldn't accept it.
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I thought I can't, I can't not drink for the rest of my life.
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How am I going to do that? Like, how am I going to stay
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married sober? How am I going to do life sober?
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How am I going to talk to people sober?
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Because I, you know, I suffered terrible social anxiety and I
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just couldn't, I couldn't think of how to do it.
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And I just looked at everyone in AA and I'm thinking, well,
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obviously your lives aren't as bad as mine.
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You obviously all, you know, don't need to drink.
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But I do like, my life is really hard.
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And, you know, I didn't ask for help.
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And that was my biggest problem. I I tried to do it myself and I
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didn't want to go through the steps with anybody.
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I thought, you know, I'm an intelligent woman.
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I'm just going to take the big book home by myself.
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And I'm going to take myself through the steps.
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And I don't need anyone to do it with me.
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And yeah, I'm just going to do it all by myself.
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So that was my plan. That's what I did.
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And I tell you what, I went insane.
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I went mental. Like this is when I really knew
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that I was an alcoholic because I'd put the drink down.
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I was going through going to a few meetings, but I wasn't being
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honest. I was saying I was fine when I
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was not fine. As I said, I put alcohol down
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and then all my feelings came up.
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All the feelings that I'd suppressed through drinking and
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numbing myself came up and I could not deal with them.
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Like I'm telling you, I, I wasn't hearing voices in my
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head, I was hearing screaming in my head.
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I wasn't drinking. I was trying not to drink.
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I was white knuckling it and I just felt like I wanted to RIP
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my face off. I'm, I, I tell you, I, I was, I
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was visualising throwing myself through windows like I went mad
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because I wasn't being honest and I wasn't doing what's
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suggested and I wasn't asking for help.
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I was trying to do it all my way.
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And what that taught me is when I try and stay sober my way for
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me, I end up drinking again. And I did, that's what I did.
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I thought, you know what, I can't do this.
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What I'm going to do is I'm going to buy a carton of
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Strongbow and I'm going to make it last a month and I just will
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really try hard to control my drinking.
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So that's what I set out to do. And you know, as us Alcoholics
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know, Strongbow is not strong enough.
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And it wasn't long until I was drinking flat out again.
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Like because I'm an alcoholic, I can't control my drinking.
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I can't drink safely. And once I take a drink, I
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cannot stop. And you know, for me, I drank
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for another seven years. You know, it took me 7 years to
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get back here and I'm telling you, I can't even put into words
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those seven years. It, it, it got so much worse.
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And I know that today if I pick up a drink, my life always gets
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worse. And if I don't pick up a drink,
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my life always gets better. And you know, being in a A for a
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while now, I have never, ever heard anyone say they went out
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drinking again and it got better.
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I've never heard it. Only I ever hear is that I went
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out drinking again and it got worse.
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That's all I've heard. And that's my story as well.
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It got so much worse. And, you know, for me, my
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marriage ended up failing. I had to leave the family home.
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You know, I didn't have a permanent job.
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I, I had to find somewhere to live.
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And it was just, it was hell. It was absolutely hell.
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And I, I, you know, I continue drinking for, I think another
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five months after my marriage failing.
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And I tell you what, that that almost killed me.
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Like I was out in Hindley St. and I'm, you know, going home
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with people I didn't know. And I share that because there
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was nothing glamorous about my drinking.
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I am not a woman who was taking a few sips of champagne and
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spilling a little bit on the carpet.
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My drinking was disgusting. I was drunk, I was sloppy, I was
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putting myself in really dangerous situations, and I
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nearly died. That's my drinking story.
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It was absolutely horrendous. I was dying from the inside out.
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And what happened was I woke up 1 morning, it was the 11th of
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the 11th, 2013, and I woke up and I didn't know where I was
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again. This wasn't the first time I
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didn't know who I was next to. Again, this wasn't the first
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time and it hit me, I am going to die if I pick up another
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drink and it was that day. It wasn't like I have to not
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pick up a drink, you know, in a couple of weeks time or I'm
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going to try and control it. It was the truest truth I've
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ever felt in my life. It was a voice from it wasn't a
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voice, it was a feeling from God.
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And it was definitely you pick up a drink today, Jade, you're
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going to die or don't pick up a drink, Jade, and you can live.
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And thank God. I wanted to live just a little
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bit more than I wanted to die. And I don't know how I got back
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to a a Well, I do actually. It was God that got me back to
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AAI. Got back to a meeting by the
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grace of God and my second time in a a was very different from
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my first time. My second time there was no more
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Oh, I'm going to do it my way. It was I walked into a meeting
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and I said my name is Jade, I am an alcoholic, I am dying.
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Can you please help me? And I tell you what, that's when
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I truly became free because then I, you know, I said I was an
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alcoholic. I accepted who I am and I asked
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for help. And that's my story.
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I have to have help to get through this.
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And I got the help in a A. You all welcomed me with open
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loving arms. There was no conditions to your
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love. You just seriously wanted me to
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get sober. And I felt that, I, I felt, I
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felt that and I needed that. I needed you to love me because
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I didn't love myself then, you know, and I just came to
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meetings. You just told me to come to
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meetings and that's what I did. And I tell you what, in the
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beginning, I found that so hard. I did not feel the clinic of
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calm when I feel when I first came in, I didn't, I was
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petrified. I would shake in my seat.
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I would go beetroot red because I was so self-conscious and
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embarrassed and and had tremendous shame.
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I thought you were all looking at me.
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I thought you were all in your groups.
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I thought that I was a loner and it was hard.
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And I would sit there and I would sweat like my chair would
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be wet and it was just really hard.
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I really, I struggled in the beginning, but I just kept on
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coming back because I knew I had to if I was, if I was to live,
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because I, because I knew if I tried to do it by myself, I'd
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drink again and die. I just, I knew that.
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So yeah, it was, it was hard for me in the beginning, but thank
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God you kept on just saying, you know, keep coming back, keep
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coming to meetings. You know, some of you offered me
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coffee and biscuits and I just felt, felt your kindness and
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care and love and that's what kept me coming.
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You know, I needed that. And then, you know, eventually
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I, you know, started to sober up a bit and I started to hear the
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shares and, you know, I started to identify and think far out.
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You know, I'm not the only one going through this.
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Like there's other people like me who knew.
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I thought I was the only one. And then I started to, you know,
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very slowly start to feel that sense of belonging.
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And then I heard all these wonderful ways of living one day
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at a time without a drink. Because prior to this, I'd never
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heard one day at a time. My first time in a a, I'd only
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heard it's forever. You don't drink forever.
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Whereas the second time I heard it's one day at a time.
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And it is, it's one day at a time.
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And you know what, I, I actually went through a day without
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picking up a drink and I'm like, Oh my God, this is amazing.
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Like this, this is actually working.
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I've got a day up. And I felt a bit good about
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myself, you know, and I kept coming to meetings and then I
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got a week up. I mean, that's a miracle for an
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alcoholic, isn't it? Like I got a week up without
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having a drink. It was like, my God, this is
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incredible. And then I got a month up and
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then, you know, it got turned into a couple of months.
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And that's all I did in the beginning.
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I just didn't pick up a drink one day at a time.
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And I went to meetings and then, you know, it got to a stage at
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six months for me. I thought, you know, I might do
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what suggested I'll I'll get a sponsor and and I did.
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And that wasn't easy. It's not easy for me to ask for
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help, but I did. And I asked a lady and she said
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no. And it crashed to me.
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It did, you know, I felt that rejection, but I thought, how
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much do I really want this? And I wanted it.
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I wanted to be sober. So I asked someone else, you
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know what? She said no.
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So then again, I thought, how much do I really want this?
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I do. I want this.
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And you know, there's a saying in a, a, a, A is for people, you
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know, not necessarily who need it.
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It's for people who want it. And I believe that I wanted to
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be sober. And so I asked another woman and
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you know, she said yes. And she's still my so she's
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still my sponsor today. Like it just incredible.
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I think, you know, God knows what's good for us and well, God
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knows what's good for me and it and it's just been an amazing
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journey. And you know, that woman took me
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through the steps and that was incredible.
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It took me a year and a half to go through the steps.
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Like it wasn't just an overnight fix.
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And it's still not. I still try and live those
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steps. But you know, she took me
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through those steps over the year and a half and that was
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incredible for me. You know, I, I thought that
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doing the steps was just about reading it and putting myself
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through that book. But for me, I need another
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person to literally hold my hand and unpack those steps and to
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really show me what it means to live one day at a time without
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picking up a drink and, you know, helping me to discover who
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I am. Like that's the amazing part of
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a, A as well for me, it's not picking up a drink and it's
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discovering who I am. Because I tell you, if I was
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still drinking, I would be dead not even knowing who I am.
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I would never have found out who Jade is.
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I would have died not knowing. Whereas now, you know, I have
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this amazing opportunity to learn who I am and, and learn
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the just the beauty of living one day at a time sober.
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So I went through the steps with that amazing woman and yeah,
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that's when I truly started to live, you know, not just exist
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anymore, not one, not rocking from one alcoholic crisis to the
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next, but actually living and, you know, learning how to be a
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decent person, learning how to be a, a decent, respectable
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human being. Learn how to be a better
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daughter, a better, you know, partner, a better mother, a
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better mother. Like you know, today I have an
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amazing relationship with my 4 adult children.
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Today I'm a grandmother as well. My oldest son has children and
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you know my grandchildren have never seen me drink and that is
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such a blessing. This fellowship is incredible.
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Like I could not have dreamt this big for myself.
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And I'm not talking about materialistic stuff.
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I'm talking about spiritual stuff.
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And I must say too, when I talk about a God, I'm not talking
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about a religious God. I'm talking about a spiritual
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loving higher power that keeps me sober one day at a time.
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It's such a gift. It's such a gift.
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And to have, you know, peaceful and harmonious relationships, to
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have a peaceful and harmonious mind and spirit is such a
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blessing. And I'm not saying I'm like that
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100% of the time. Like I love it in the book and
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it says we are not Saints, I am not a St. and I'll never be 1.
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And I love it when it says progress not perfection.
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I am not perfect and I never will be perfect but the
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progress, the learning, the journey, living life, it's such
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a gift and to be present for it all.
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You know? Like I can have conversations
20:09
with my children now and I remember them.
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You know, and I can be there for them.
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My children don't have to worry about me anymore.
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When they worried about me all the time, I can still remember
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their faces and the look in their eyes of why are you
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drinking all the time? Why are you doing this?
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They don't look at me like that now.
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They've all told me how proud they are of me and I, again, it
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didn't happen overnight. It took time, but I'm so
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grateful that I put those days in.
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I'm so grateful that, you know, I go to meetings and, and, and
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just allow that time to happen because miracles happen if, if I
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just keep coming back to meetings and if I keep trying to
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live those 12 steps to the best of my ability, miracles happen
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all the time. The higher power God always
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looks after me. And I'm telling you, I've had
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experiences where God looks after me in in unexpected ways.
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Like it's just incredible. I'm a big believer.
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If I'm on the program and I am trying to the best of my ability
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to live those steps, I'm always looked after.
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It's just incredible. I was, I was in so much danger
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and chaos and turmoil and torture when I drank.
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I was never, I was never, I never had that feeling of being
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looked after. But, you know, being on the
21:45
program and, you know, truly looking after my sobriety and,
21:50
and surrendering to a higher power, it's, it's just an
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incredible, incredible experience.
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And, you know, I really don't even know how it all works.
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It's, it's something divine. But yeah, for me, as long as I
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keep coming to a a, as long as I do not pick up a drink, no
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matter what, as long as I keep practising those steps in my
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life to the best of my ability, there is always hope.
22:20
Life always gets better. And it's just the, the, it's
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just the best thing ever. So, you know, I hope this share
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has made some sense to somebody. I didn't want to write anything
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down. I just sort of wanted to have a,
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a share that was authentic and real with what I'm feeling
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today. And yeah, I just want to send a
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lot of love and light out there to everyone.
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And I just truly hope that everyone listening finds peace
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and love in their life and finds sobriety in their life because
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it really is the biggest, bestest gift ever.
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Yeah. I love you all.
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Thank you. We have local meetings for the
23:11
full week in the local area. Monday is Gala meeting at 8:00.
23:16
Tuesday is Elizabeth E at 8:00, Wednesday is Elizabeth E at
23:22
8:00, Thursday is 2 Wells at 8:00 and Friday is Salisbury at
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8:00. There's a meeting at Devon Park
23:31
at 12:00 and on Sunday there's a maintenance Salisbury at 7:00
23:35
and many of the meetings in the area.
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For details of your local maintenance, please phone 1300
23:45
double 22222. And once again, if anyone you
23:49
know is struggling with alcohol issues, please call Alcoholics
23:52
Anonymous on 1300 double 22222. The website isaasa.org dot AU.