Latest / The Woody Show / HIGHLIGHT POD 30 MINS: The Woody Show September 15th 2026 Podcast

Transcript

HIGHLIGHT POD 30 MINS: The Woody Show September 15th 2026 Podcast · The Woody Show

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: This rules.
• 0:03
  Speaker 2: The boy doesn't want to have sex.
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: You got to put your mouth on.
• 0:06
  Speaker 3: No, no, no.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Okay, that is quite impressive. Quite, quite, quite impressive.
• 0:12
  Speaker 3: Look at that.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Oh, that's lovely. I know. That's what we've been saying.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: I know. The Woody Show.
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: Joe Coy's new Netflix special called Blue in the Face
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: is out now.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Joe Coy is here in studio with us. He asked
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: us if we already watched the new special. It's like, dude,
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: what time do you think we... We haven't been to
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: bed yet.
• 0:34
  Speaker 3: Don't you guys wake up at 12 anyway?
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: Something like that, yeah. And then all of a.
• 0:37
  Speaker 3: Sudden I get the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. I
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: hit the Tonight Show and I get a standing O.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: And I didn't know how many people.
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: Watched the Tonight Show back then.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean?
• 0:48
  Speaker 3: About two days later, I get a phone call from
• 0:50
  Speaker 3: my agent going, oh, there's this phone company that wants
• 0:53
  Speaker 3: you to be the face of their, it was called
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: Ant Mobile. And I did all these commercials and ads
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: and all that stuff. And it was a huge check.
• 1:02
  Speaker 3: It was a lot of money, especially for me back there.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: Like 100 grand.
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: At that time, that was a lot. Especially when you're
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: a road dog. You know what I mean? You don't
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: need that much. I just needed enough money to get
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: me food for the day and so I could tell
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: jokes at night. That's all I wanted to do. And 100,000,
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: I was like, dude, you know how much Carl's Jr.
• 1:19
  Speaker 3: that is? I did great.
• 1:20
  Speaker 4: I did great.
• 1:22
  Speaker 3: Bacon Western cheeseburger every day. I'm good for a hundred
• 1:26
  Speaker 3: thousand days.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: No doubt, man.
• 1:29
  Speaker 3: The truth.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Those are fun times though.
• 1:31
  Speaker 3: Great times.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah. You know, my beginning is always fun.
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: Always. And it's funny cause we lived in an apartment
• 1:36
  Speaker 3: on La Tijera and you know, the Sunday ads. You know,
• 1:39
  Speaker 3: people get their Sunday payment and just throw the ads
• 1:41
  Speaker 3: in this bin at the bottom, right underneath all the mailboxes.
• 1:45
  Speaker 3: And Angie, my son's mommy at the time, at the time,
• 1:48
  Speaker 3: my son's mommy before we divorced. Still to this day. Yeah,
• 1:51
  Speaker 3: to this day is still the mommy. There were two
• 1:54
  Speaker 3: for one El Pollo Loco ads. So whatever you bought,
• 1:59
  Speaker 3: you got the other one free. So you could buy
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: the family meal, right? And get the second family meal free.
• 2:07
  Speaker 3: And we were broke. So that was like a whole chicken.
• 2:10
  Speaker 3: So you buy a half a chicken meal with the
• 2:12
  Speaker 3: full sides. You get another half chicken with all the
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: sides for free. Bro, we took all those ads. Guess
• 2:19
  Speaker 3: who doesn't eat El Pollo Loco anymore? Yeah. None of us.
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: It's just that those were the humble beginnings, man. Yeah, dude.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: What's the dumbest thing you've spent money on since you
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: became successful that broke Joe Coy would roast you for?
• 2:35
  Speaker 3: There's so many. There's so many things. I was just
• 2:39
  Speaker 3: talking about this the other day. But I mean, we
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: had to get it out of our system. It was
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: like being a kid going, I wish I got that
• 2:46
  Speaker 3: for Christmas. Well, now I got 50 Christmases to make
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: up for.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: No, look, I understand.
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: Like, man, my mom did not allow me to have
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: Garbage Pail Kids. Do you remember Garbage Pail Kids, those cards?
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: And so when eBay first started, people were like, you
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: can find anything on there. I'm like, I wonder if
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: there's Garbage Pail Kids.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: I bought all of them. Every last one of them.
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: I have every single one of the original garbage in
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: mint condition. And I wanted it because of that, because
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: I wasn't allowed to have it.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: So I get that. You get that out of your system.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: And you do that kind of thing.
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: But if you had to say, what's the dumbest thing?
• 3:18
  Speaker 3: You want the dumbest thing? Yeah, that broke Joe Coy.
• 3:21
  Speaker 3: Broke Joe Coy would have roasted you for it. I
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: was always a Prada fan. Whenever I went to New York,
• 3:26
  Speaker 3: I'd go to Soho and just buy one thing. And
• 3:29
  Speaker 3: this is back when I'm doing the comedy clubs. So
• 3:31
  Speaker 3: I'd go to Soho, go to Prada. They all know
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: me there, by the way. And I'd go there and
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: I'd buy one thing. If it was like one pair
• 3:37
  Speaker 3: of shoes for like $ 1, 500 or whatever, like a one-piece
• 3:41
  Speaker 3: runway jacket for like two grand, I'd buy it, right?
• 3:45
  Speaker 3: If you watch all my specials, go all the way
• 3:47
  Speaker 3: back like 15 years, you'll see me rocking some kind
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: of Prada, right? Swear to God. I remember hearing Kanye saying,
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: having breakfast at Gucci, right? And I always wanted to,
• 3:58
  Speaker 3: I didn't understand what that meant. And then I found
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: out that if you shut them down, you know, to
• 4:05
  Speaker 3: like if you're getting tailored and all that. I bought
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: three suits in one day and they shut it down
• 4:10
  Speaker 3: for me and got me food. What? Yeah, it's Soho.
• 4:14
  Speaker 3: They shut it down. Door's locked. It's just me. I'm
• 4:17
  Speaker 3: in the tailor room with the guy that wears the
• 4:20
  Speaker 3: tape measure around his neck. He got all the mannequins
• 4:24
  Speaker 3: and I'm picking fabrics. They go, are you hungry?
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah.
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm hungry. And then they got me a car.
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: And I remember I was going out that night. And
• 4:34
  Speaker 3: I was like, oh, I got all these bags. And
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: they were like, oh, we'll deliver it.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: We'll deliver it, Mr.
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: Coy. I had all these bags. I remember walking out
• 4:40
  Speaker 3: of Prada with just like 20 bags. And just like
• 4:45
  Speaker 3: they're loading this SUV that they got me. And then
• 4:47
  Speaker 3: they delivered. That was going to my hotel room as
• 4:50
  Speaker 3: I caught another car. SUV to go to whatever. There
• 4:53
  Speaker 3: was two falls. The SUV was for my clothes.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: Your luggage.
• 4:58
  Speaker 3: Oh, yeah.
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: I just heard a story recently about this guy, and
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: he's a bigger dude, so he can't just buy a
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: suit off the rack.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: And so he had this suit, and he had gotten
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: delayed on a business trip, but he was going to
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: a wedding. So he ended up in the city where
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: the wedding was, but didn't have his suit. So he
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: chartered a plane.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: Oh, my God.
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: From Florida to wherever this place was to just bring
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: him the suit. The flight costs like $ 40, 000 to bring
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: in people.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: Why don't you just go to Menace? Go get a
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: new one. Run to Walmart. I get stuff all the time.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: When you're a man of a certain size. A certain carriage.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: Not as easy.
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: But I think after the wedding and you're getting out
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: of that suit, you're like, what did I just do?
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: Even if you have all the money in the world,
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: you're like, $ 40, 000. But you're allowed to do those once
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: or twice.
• 5:46
  Speaker 3: But Joe, were you a memorabilia guy?
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: Were you a memorabilia guy like Woody?
• 5:53
  Speaker 3: I want something from my childhood. Oh, yeah. I got
• 5:56
  Speaker 3: all that stuff. Yeah, I bought all the stuff that
• 5:58
  Speaker 3: I wanted when I was a kid.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: I got it.
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I'll say this, though, not to glaze you,
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: because I've met up with you in different cities while
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: you're out shopping, and you're with friends and family, and
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: it's not just you buying stuff.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: You get stuff for everybody, too.
• 6:12
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you got to. Yeah.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 6:13
  Speaker 3: Like, I like that feeling. You know what it is?
• 6:15
  Speaker 3: I think this is what it is. Like, I love
• 6:18
  Speaker 3: the feeling of receiving gifts.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: You do?
• 6:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah, like, I love receiving. I hate it. No, no,
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: but I also love seeing how people react when they
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: receive gifts.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: I love that.
• 6:27
  Speaker 3: I get off on that.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: I agree with you on that.
• 6:30
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and I also like doing this. Get whatever you want!
• 6:34
  Speaker 3: As I sip my drink. Enjoy your day!
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: He does do that, though. I forget where we were, and.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: Oh, it was my wife's birthday. Oh, it's her birthday.
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: What does she want?
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: Let's go buy her something. I know if I said
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: something reasonable, he would probably go get it. So I
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: threw out, she wants a boat, dude. She's always wanted
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: a boat.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: And if he would have gotten a boat, I.
• 6:58
  Speaker 3: Would have taken it.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: What size? But he is like that.
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: It's really cool that you do that.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: He's Santa Joe. He's Santa Coy.
• 7:10
  Speaker 3: I just love it, man. Like, I'm in that position now.
• 7:13
  Speaker 3: I remember how it felt when I didn't, Christmas would come.
• 7:16
  Speaker 3: I'm not joking. It'd be like nothing under there. So
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: now I'm Santa Claus for everybody.
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, just no El Pollo Loco.
• 7:23
  Speaker 3: No more El Pollo Loco, man.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: I can't do it.
• 7:25
  Speaker 3: I can't do it. We ate it so much, man.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: All right, 877-44, Woody's the phone number. You can send
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: us a text over to 22987. Blue in the face.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: Joe. Can you help Greg out after the break? We
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: need your help.
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: Don't even describe it. I'm always there for Greg. All
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: he needs is your opinion. It doesn't cost anything. It's
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: just your opinion.
• 7:47
  Speaker 4: We get these texts into the show and every once
• 7:52
  Speaker 4: in a while there's one that really grabs Greg's attention.
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: He's trying to figure out how to reply and he's
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: got some options.
• 7:59
  Speaker 3: You know the thing is, I know Greg is.
• 8:04
  Speaker 3: Greg, I better be careful what I would say. Greg
• 8:07
  Speaker 3: has told me that he's a little creepy. This is
• 8:10
  Speaker 3: a side conversation. So when we were doing that creepy conversation,
• 8:14
  Speaker 3: immediately I looked at Greg going, you're a creep. And
• 8:18
  Speaker 3: I know you are. That's fine, Greg.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you mean sexually, right?
• 8:23
  Speaker 3: Why not?
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: Exactly. It's kind of a sexual deviance.
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: It is. It's so fun. It should be fun.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: Oh, and it's so fun. People take it way too seriously.
• 8:31
  Speaker 3: It's so serious.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: And they're so uptight.
• 8:33
  Speaker 3: I don't need a bed of roses, man. We can
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: be creepy in the parking lot, bro.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: I know it's probably something you've already told us, but
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: is there one thing... Like, in that realm, you're like,
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: I just asked Joe about, like, Broke Joe would, you know,
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: roast him for.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: That I would find. Is there a current day Greg
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: that would roast... probably not I don't regret anything in
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: that realm you.
• 8:59
  Speaker 4: Know what I mean like I don't I don't like
• 9:03
  Speaker 4: you know like there's stuff that I've done there's stuff
• 9:06
  Speaker 4: that I've done that is incredibly shameful and gross but
• 9:11
  Speaker 4: it's kind of like if you get a tattoo and
• 9:13
  Speaker 4: you think it's lame yeah.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: Hey, that's where I was at the time. Shameful and gross. Oh, yeah.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: There's something I could never say on the air.
• 9:22
  Speaker 3: Really?
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: I would tell Joe secretly. Wait, is it because we
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: couldn't say it?
• 9:26
  Speaker 4: There's no way you could even formulate the sentences.
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: I'm crying right now.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: Is it because it's so shameful?
• 9:33
  Speaker 3: Oh, yeah.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: It's so gross and so weird.
• 9:35
  Speaker 3: The fact that Greg said, there's nothing that I'm ashamed
• 9:39
  Speaker 3: of in that realm. Believe me.
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: You don't want to know.
• 9:47
  Speaker 3: Just take the compliment on your cologne.
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: There's stuff that I've done. Bro, that's so dope.
• 9:55
  Speaker 3: I love you, Greg. I'm with you, Greg.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: Whatever. Who cares?
• 9:58
  Speaker 3: Bro, it's behind closed doors. doors.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it was crazy that night. It was tequila.
• 10:04
  Speaker 4: I remember the first time I had sushi, I thought,
• 10:06
  Speaker 4: this is kind of weird. Now I love it.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: If you're doing something in that realm, how do you
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: know you don't love it?
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: Do you try it?
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: You don't know.
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: Joe, it's funny that you say behind closed doors because
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: he shares himself.
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: Outside.
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: The door was wide open.
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: He's out there in the yard. The neighbor saw him
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: one time.
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: Oh, no.
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 10:28
  Speaker 3: Alley's.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: Oh. alleys. We used to get out there. A little
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: park in front of the grocery store by the radio station.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: Remember that one, Greg? Yeah, the play zone at McDonald's.
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: It's so funny. It's so good.
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: YOLO, right?
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: YOLO? Do it, dog.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: Who cares? We should point out, none of it's predatory.
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: It's not like Greg's going after strangers or showing his
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: penis in a parking lot.
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: All willing participants. No, he's not that guy. He's not
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: a flasher, but man, he's told me some creepy stuff
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: off air.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: Don't forget, condoms are for punks. Of course. Of course.
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: I just want to be really clear.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: Greg is not.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: Doing anything that would necessarily put him on a list.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: And I've only gotten gonorrhea once. Thank you. Live and learn.
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: By the way, that's nothing. Not this realm.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: You remember my rookie year. One time, adorable. Symbolism, anyone?
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: Bye.
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: Joe Coy is here. His new Netflix special is called
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: Blue in the Face. It is out now. It's on Netflix.
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: More with Joe Coy is going to help Greg with
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: something non-creepy.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: Okay, cool. It's about to be. It's like Russian roulette. Yeah.
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: But with jizz. Exactly. It's sexy. The Woody Show. Joe
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: Coy in the building.
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: Blue in the Face.
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: His new Netflix special, which is out now, at Joe
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: Coy on social media.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: It's a good time all the time with Joe Coy. Yeah, man.
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: Now. Woody, can I say something?
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: I go, my breath stinks. You ever, like, when your
• 12:16
  Speaker 3: breath smells so bad, you smell it?
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: Mm-hmm. Right?
• 12:20
  Speaker 3: Usually people are like, hey, your breath stinks. Like, I literally.
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: He got it under control.
• 12:25
  Speaker 3: Good. Yeah.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: He's a changed man. Nice. Those are your tonsil stones? No,
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: it's just, it stinks.
• 12:31
  Speaker 3: I can tell. I was talking to Sammy and I
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: was just like, oh gosh, she smells it. And then
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: I go, do you guys have a mint? And Gina goes,
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: I have hot honey. Yeah, I gave him a hot honey.
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: You want to pour that in your throat?
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: Man, have you always got mints and stuff?
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: Oh, I got it.
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: Altoids. We got him some Altoids. I'm weird about Altoids
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: because it's a fingertip grab. Yeah.
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: There's no way to shake it out.
• 12:52
  Speaker 3: There's nothing. So it's like just random fingertips going in
• 12:57
  Speaker 3: and sifting through every mint.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: As if one's different than the other. Pick one out.
• 13:03
  Speaker 3: Yeah, but who's the other person that touched the mint?
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: I mean, I did stir them with my penis.
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: Oh my God, that's what that was. I knew that
• 13:12
  Speaker 3: wasn't mint.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: It tastes like avocado. Yeah.
• 13:15
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Gina said that.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: I'm so grossed out now. She didn't coin this. But
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: I agree with it.
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: She said that avocado tastes like clean penis.
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: Oh.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: Try it.
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: I can only take your word on that one. Well,
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: Greg says don't knock it till you try it.
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: Well, I don't agree with it. Yeah. I think it
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: tastes like nothing.
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: I think it tastes like.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: And if anyone knows about creepy tastes, it's Greg.
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: I don't think I've ever seen Greg in an alley going,
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: that tastes like avocado.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: That's so crazy.
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: That's definitely avocado.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: Let me text my friend.
• 13:53
  Speaker 3: Holy cow, that's guacamole for sure. Can I get some salt?
• 13:58
  Speaker 3: Can I get some chips next to this? Greg?
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: Joe? You have your line between your thumb and your
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: forefinger and you lick the salt off of it. Exactly.
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: I haven't seen you buy a sizzler dumpster.
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: That's me.
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: Greg, what are you doing here? He's like, it's obvious
• 14:17
  Speaker 3: what I'm doing here.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: What are you doing here? How did you find me?
• 14:21
  Speaker 3: Trying to throw away some trash.
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's me in an alley. Buy a dumpster. Not anymore.
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: Not anymore. Been there, done that.
• 14:30
  Speaker 3: But I don't regret it. I don't.
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: Oh, that's so beautiful.
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: I love the fact that you're honest about it, man.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: Why not?
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: Hey, there's been some weird situations with me, and I'm
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: not ashamed about it.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: You admit it. I admit it. Oh, it's how you're
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: a feet guy. I love feet.
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: Okay, Greg, that's a good question. Because you and I
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: have always been on the same page about how do you.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: What's the origin story of that? Right.
• 14:54
  Speaker 4: Because we've never gotten a great answer. Right, on the
• 14:57
  Speaker 4: people who are into feet, foot freaks.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Where did that come from? How did you discover this?
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah. How did I discover it? Well, in general. I
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: looked at my own foot and I said, I hope
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: to God whoever I date doesn't have this foot.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: Are your feet really jacked up?
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: Are you kidding me? Really?
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: In what way? Do you have like six toes?
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: I just like, I can't let the nail grow into white.
• 15:20
  Speaker 3: oh so i'm always cutting and then now i have
• 15:22
  Speaker 3: this obsession where it's like i need to go a
• 15:24
  Speaker 3: little deeper so that's like blood appears like.
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: Half a nail you ever see people that have like
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: their nails are so short that there's still like another
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: half a nail's worth of flesh yes.
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: Right you know that's why i wear fake nails because
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: otherwise i'll bite them like that.
• 15:39
  Speaker 3: Yeah but great no i don't do that till you
• 15:41
  Speaker 3: bleed on your thumb on.
• 15:42
  Speaker 4: Just one thumb yeah but i i quit you know
• 15:45
  Speaker 4: biting my nails like I used to bite all of them,
• 15:48
  Speaker 4: and then I quit one at a time. And now
• 15:51
  Speaker 4: I'm down to a thumb. It looks like I slammed
• 15:53
  Speaker 4: it in.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: A car door.
• 15:55
  Speaker 3: That's from biting it?
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: So your feet got jacked up from cutting.
• 15:58
  Speaker 3: Your nails so much? Craig, your thumb looks like it
• 15:59
  Speaker 3: has cutteria. But you've got to stop.
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: I'm working on it. Your feet got jacked up from
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: cutting your nails too much?
• 16:09
  Speaker 3: And I still do it. I still do it, yeah.
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: And it always ends up bleeding.
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: Show us your foot. So the reason you're in your feet, Ben.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: I don't want to do this. Why?
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: Because I have ugly, like my baby toenails gone. There
• 16:19
  Speaker 3: is nothing you can do.
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: Dude, I guarantee your foot looks better than my face.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: It's bad, dude.
• 16:24
  Speaker 3: And I had surgery on my toes. You did? Yeah.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: I had a bunion removed.
• 16:29
  Speaker 3: It's so ugly, Gina.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: I want to see it. I love you either way.
• 16:32
  Speaker 3: Look, and this one actually still has blood in it.
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: I'm not even joking.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: Okay, what if, Greg?
• 16:36
  Speaker 3: Look, this one still has blood in it. What if?
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: What if that bad?
• 16:39
  Speaker 3: I'm trying to tell you. Look.
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: It's not that bad right a little like and then
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: i always cut this and i use a nipper yeah.
• 16:48
  Speaker 3: It looks pretty jacked and the pinky toenail is missing
• 16:51
  Speaker 3: i don't.
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: Know greg this could start your foot obsession no feet
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: it's so gross it's chill time nothing but you like
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: a nice foot like you'll go there so it's.
• 17:01
  Speaker 3: A comparison i hate mine so bad that when i
• 17:03
  Speaker 3: see a woman with a beautiful foot. I'm just like, yeah,
• 17:07
  Speaker 3: that's what a foot's supposed to look like. I don't
• 17:11
  Speaker 3: know what I did, but that, that makes sense. Great.
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: I did mention we need your help on. So while
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: Greg needs your help on something, no, it's just your,
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: I love it.
• 17:19
  Speaker 3: I love it. By the way, I love all of
• 17:20
  Speaker 3: Greg's stories.
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: Oh, you're going to love this. Okay. So I don't
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: think so.
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: We all have jobs here on the show besides, you know,
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: just talking into microphones and everybody's job is to kind
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: of chip in as people text in, to try to
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: reply to as many as we can, the ones that
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: make sense and whatever. So Greg does a great job,
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: and he's one of the better ones when it comes
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: to replying to a lot of people.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: And in general, it's like, oh, thank you. Have a
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: great weekend. Stuff like simple pleasantries.
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: Every once in a while, there's a text that just
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: for whatever reason... just gets under Greg's skin. And merits
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: a response. And he marinates on it for a while
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: to figure out what reply he's going to send back. Now, Greg,
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: besides all the freaky stuff we've been talking about, Greg,
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: when you just look at him and what you know
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: about Greg, he's very buttoned up.
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: He's very intelligent. He's very well spoken. He has a
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: very big vocabulary. You wouldn't expect these base level gutter responses.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: You're totally right, which is why this task for me
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: is incredibly different. I even thought about Joe last night,
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: knowing he was coming in and thinking, How do you
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: do this? I'm trying to make something quippy and funny,
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: and it's difficult. So I spent literally two hours while
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: drinking heavily trying to come up with a way to
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: insult these a-holes.
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: So these are real text messages that come into the
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: show that Greg is sending real responses to. So these
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: people will get a response from us today. something that
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: Greg has come up with, but he's got some options
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: for us. We call it Greg's immature replies to text messages.
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: I love it.
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: Immature being the key word.
• 18:50
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: So the more immature, the better. Right.
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: Um, Very uncharacteristic of Greg, but we get to help
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: him decide. Now, if you want to try to help comedians,
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: you guys get paid to maybe punch up a script.
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: Right, right, right.
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: If you want to help him out and punch it up,
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: that's cool, too. All right, Greg, text number one.
• 19:07
  Speaker 4: So it's from the 985, this dude in southeastern Louisiana
• 19:11
  Speaker 4: who always texts in, and I looked over the text history.
• 19:13
  Speaker 4: He just basically bags on.
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: Me the whole time. Oh, cool. That's what he likes
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: to do.
• 19:16
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: So this one's very generic. Everybody's good at something.
• 19:19
  Speaker 4: Greg is like old people who hated on rock and
• 19:21
  Speaker 4: roll when Elvis started making new music. Just like all
• 19:24
  Speaker 4: those old blue hairs who were scared of the Beatles.
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: LMAO. I'm laughing out loud thinking about how dumb you are.
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: My 102-year-old grandmother wants to hang out but says you're
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: too much of a bitch for her. Oh, damn. So
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: clearly I'm like, that rubbed me the wrong way. Oh, sure.
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: All right. Okay. So here's... I came up with a
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: handful of options to send back to this guy. This
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: is where we need your help. This is where we
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: need your help. help. How about this one? What was
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: harder for your grandmother? Two world wars or grandpa going
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: fishing for brown trout in her fart fort?
• 20:01
  Speaker 3: Okay, there's one. All right.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: That's one. That's one. Okay. How about? What was tougher
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: on Grandma? Prohibition or all that speakeasy man jam in
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: her gravy gutter?
• 20:14
  Speaker 3: In her gravy gutter? Oh, man. This guy's vocabulary is good.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: I love it. Emphasis on immature replies. Yes. That's the
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: goal here. Option three. Interesting. Your grandma is also LMAO,
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: lubricating that mature anal opening. Oh!
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: Before anybody says anything else.
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: Joe gets to vote first. And then this one, again,
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: I was kind of drunk. All I put was, for
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: this option, my hair isn't as blue as your balls.
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: I don't like that one as much. That's just a throwaway. So, Joe,
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: between those three.
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: You have Fart Fort, Man Jam, LMAO, or Blue Ball.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: Well, Blue Balls is out.
• 21:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah, Blue Balls is out. LMAO was so funny. But Fart...
• 21:09
  Speaker 3: What was it called again?
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: Fart Fort? Fart Fort. Fishing in the Fart Fort? Fishing
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: for brown trout in the Fart Fort.
• 21:15
  Speaker 3: Fishing for brown trout in your Fart Fort. He's got
• 21:19
  Speaker 3: to think about how he got offended.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: And her grandpa is doing it to his grandma.
• 21:24
  Speaker 3: And such a descriptive... visual that you actually see it.
• 21:29
  Speaker 3: And I loved it. And he caught the fish. Grandpa
• 21:35
  Speaker 3: caught it. He pulled it right out. I got another
• 21:39
  Speaker 3: big one!
• 21:41
  Speaker 4: Alright, so what I do is we copy and we
• 21:44
  Speaker 4: paste and then we send it and we hopefully.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: destroy his.
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: Day all right there you go nice all right one
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: down next one up great gory's immature replies to text
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: messages this.
• 21:56
  Speaker 4: Is i also looked at her text history a woman
• 21:58
  Speaker 4: who's always texting in about how everybody here on the
• 22:01
  Speaker 4: show doesn't work that hard this is from the 972
• 22:05
  Speaker 4: another week off for the woody show funny how so
• 22:07
  Speaker 4: many people take so much time off after working.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: So little wow rude right it's very.
• 22:14
  Speaker 4: Rude so i only have two options for her Yeah,
• 22:17
  Speaker 4: it takes a lot of people to get this show on.
• 22:19
  Speaker 4: Kind of how it takes a lot of dongs to
• 22:21
  Speaker 4: get your mom's box off.
• 22:23
  Speaker 3: A lot of dongs.
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: Just kind of basic, right?
• 22:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I love it, though.
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: Basic and dumb. That's option number one. And then option two. Yeah.
• 22:34
  Speaker 4: Well, we can all agree that nothing works harder than
• 22:36
  Speaker 4: your diva cup catching all that Playtex punch.
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: That was sick. Do you know what those are, Greg?
• 22:45
  Speaker 3: Your metaphors are crazy.
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: Do you know what those are, Joe?
• 22:46
  Speaker 3: What's a Playtex punch?
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: No, like, well... So, a Diva Cup. Do you know
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: what a Diva Cup is?
• 22:52
  Speaker 3: No. Oh, that's... Yes, I do.
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: So, instead of tampons, some women will use these things.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: It's really hard to do. So, now you know what
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: the Playtex punch is. Oh, that's so funny.
• 23:03
  Speaker 3: Those are really good. Man, I say send them both. Really?
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: But there's still one more.
• 23:09
  Speaker 3: No, there's only two of those.
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: Two for those. All right. Which one, Joe? Maybe just
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: back to back.
• 23:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think it's a back to back.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: Oh, that'd be a first.
• 23:17
  Speaker 3: You should put ellipses at the end of the first
• 23:21
  Speaker 3: one and then continue.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah. That's dot, dot, dot.
• 23:24
  Speaker 3: Yeah, dot, dot, dot. Okay. And then go, oh, by
• 23:27
  Speaker 3: the way, I just thought of this as well.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: Oh, I like, oh, by the way, because it makes
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: it like.
• 23:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: Sign it, Joe Coy.
• 23:35
  Speaker 3: Oh, please.
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: Oh, yes. Play text punch. Yeah. Do the ellipses.
• 23:40
  Speaker 3: After that play text punch, you should write Mazel Tov
• 23:43
  Speaker 3: or something.
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: By the way. Would it be, oh, by the way,
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: and then another ellipses?
• 23:48
  Speaker 3: No, no, no. Just the one.
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: Oh, by the way. All right. This is a first.
• 23:52
  Speaker 4: We can all agree that nothing works harder than your
• 23:54
  Speaker 4: Diva Cup catching all that Playtex punch. I love it.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: Ellipses. I like Mazel Tov.
• 24:00
  Speaker 3: Cute little cheers. M-A-Z-E-L.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: E-L-T-O-V. Mazel Tov. Mazel Tov. Random. Okay, two days ruined.
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: There you go. That's how it works.
• 24:14
  Speaker 3: That's so beautiful.
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: Greg Gorey's Immature Applies to Text Messages.
• 24:18
  Speaker 3: Yeah. See?
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: I told you it'd be fun. That's so funny. The
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: fart fort. I'm going to say that fort. Put that
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: in your next special. Yeah, I love that. Joe Coy's here.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: Netflix special called Blue in the Face. Check it out
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: on Netflix.
• 24:31
  Speaker 3: Here we go.
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 24:32
  Speaker 3: One, two, three, go.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: The Woody Show.