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How To Overcome Self-Abandonment · Trauma Free Relationship

0:00
Welcome back to Trauma Free Relationship Podcast.
0:04
I'm so excited you've decided to join us.
0:06
If this is the first time listening, welcome.
0:09
I hope you find real value in what you're hearing.
0:12
And if you're returning, welcome back.
0:14
It is so great that you've joined us again today.
0:18
We're going to talk about self abandonment now.
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This is really important because I see this a lot in the
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individuals and couples that I work with.
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Something that many who have relational and attachment trauma
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struggle with is how to not abandon their own sense of self.
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And it often shows up when we betray our needs or silence our
0:41
truth or stay in situations that don't feel safe just to avoid
0:46
being rejected or abandoned. Yes, this often is an adaptive
0:51
way for us to try to maintain any kind of an attachment tie to
0:59
our parents or a significant partner when we feel like or
1:04
have had trauma from past abandonment or rejection.
1:09
So this comes directly out of that, right?
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We've grown up in an environment where our needs aren't being
1:16
met. We we feel abandoned, we feel
1:20
ignored, we feel rejected by our caretakers or a significant
1:26
partner, say in our early youth. And as a result, what we do is
1:32
we learn to adapt to that kind of environment and we adapt by
1:35
learning just to abandon ourselves.
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But here's the good news, self abandonment, it's not who you
1:42
are. It's it's just a pattern you've
1:44
learned to survive. And that means that you can
1:48
unlearn it and you can build something new, something like
1:52
self trust, self loyalty and inner safety.
1:58
So today on this podcast, we're going to talk about self
2:01
abandonment. And at the end of this episode,
2:04
you should be able to understand why self abandonment happens.
2:09
What what environment did it come out of?
2:12
How to recognize it in your daily life, understand what it
2:17
looks like in your relationship and be able to have some
2:20
practical steps to start coming home to yourself.
2:25
Welcome to trauma free relationship.
2:27
I'm your host, Tom Philp, and I've been working for years with
2:30
adults who struggle with relational trauma to regain
2:33
trust in themselves and others so that they can experience a
2:37
safe and secure relationship. Let's get started,
2:52
OK? As I mentioned at the opening,
2:55
we're going to be talking in this episode about self
2:58
abandonment. So why does self abandonment
3:01
happen in the 1st place? Well, if you grew up in an
3:04
environment where your needs weren't met, or worse, where
3:08
your needs were actually punished, you probably learned
3:11
early on that being yourself wasn't safe.
3:15
It wasn't accepted. I was just actually working with
3:18
somebody just the other day, and it happened to be an individual,
3:23
but it was in a couple's context.
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I was working with a couple and we finally got down to some of
3:28
the core wound that drives much of her, her behavior.
3:33
And that core wound was simply I'm not good enough.
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And So what I do is I try to make myself good enough and I
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try all these behaviors in order to measure up.
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And I keep myself busy and I never let myself sit down and
3:50
take a break. And I'm constantly on the go.
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And if my husband comes home and he sees me sitting there, I'm
3:55
thinking, well, that's not good enough.
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I need to be in motion. I need to be doing something.
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I better start dinner. I better do this.
4:00
I better do that. And, and in this case, it was a
4:03
female. She's constantly trying to have
4:06
good enough behaviors to meet that external need of being good
4:12
enough. And so she completely abandons
4:15
herself for this external validation.
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And so this is a great example of what I'm talking about, where
4:24
for her that deep wound, and it goes beyond just the
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relationship, current relationship she's in this, this
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is a wound that goes back to childhood, some probably some
4:34
early childhood trauma in her particular case.
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But nonetheless, this is the wound that shows up for her in
4:41
her current relationship and looks the way it does.
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And so she's tried to adapt by abandoning herself and
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constantly trying to meet the needs of others.
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And when that happens, we lose connection with our self because
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what happens is our nervous system begins to make trade-offs
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and so connection with others means it comes at the cost of
5:08
connection with our self. We no longer own our own truth.
5:13
We no longer can stay grounded in who we are.
5:16
We no longer are anchored to our own needs and wants and desires
5:21
and feelings in our relationships and even within
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our self. And so this comes at a huge cost
5:31
to the individual when they abandoned themselves and and
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while the survival strategy is adaptive, it has kept them safe
5:41
and it kept them safe back then in an environment or situation
5:46
in which their needs were not met.
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It also has huge consequences in their current relationship and
5:54
currently for themselves. So some of the things that might
5:58
be going on is 1. They might feel disconnected
6:00
from their feelings, so they might feel either numb or they
6:05
might feel anxious all the time. They may be unsure of what they
6:10
really want. If we can't get in touch with
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our feelings, then we certainly cannot get in touch with those
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needs That that is, our feelings are a signpost towards.
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Let me rephrase that a little bit better.
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Our feelings are important because behind every feeling is
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a need, and so a feeling is a signpost towards a need.
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If we can't make sense of organize our feelings within our
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self, then we can't see that as a signpost towards meeting some
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kind of need. And so understanding what
6:44
anxiety is about, it's me constantly feeling like I'm not
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measuring up. It's me constantly feeling like
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I have to be something or someone else in order to be
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loved and accepted. If we can't recognize that in
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certain situations, that anxiety is a signpost towards something
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deeper, which is radical self acceptance.
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Being able to recognize that I am good enough for who I am and
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that I don't have to abandon myself in order to be loved by
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someone else. Unless we can, we can anchor
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ourselves in that feeling and that leads us to that that need,
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then it it makes it very difficult for us to be able to
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communicate those to anybody else.
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And so as a result, sometimes we are full of guilt or we're full
7:33
of shame. And when we try to set
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boundaries, often times it doesn't happen.
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And here was what I see more often than not, that that deep
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wound of I am not good enough, which is anchored in the feeling
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of shame. That's usually a shame feeling.
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I don't measure up. What happens is often times it
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actually drives behavior. And so we learn to adapt, as
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I've said. But what's actually steering the
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whole ship is this feeling of not good enough.
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And then what I see is that we put ourselves in situations or
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we bring about things not always of our own making.
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I don't want to. I don't want to pretend like
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somehow domestic violence is is the victim's fault.
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That's not what I'm saying at all.
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But I'm saying it can become a self fulfilling prophecy where
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we end up bringing about the very thing we fear the most by
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architecting our relationships in a way that we end up feeling
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and reinforcing that feeling that we're not good enough.
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The more this woman was trying to get the love and validation
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from her husband by constantly being busy, constantly attending
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to everybody else's needs, the more she felt alone and the more
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she felt empty inside. And then the more she began to
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drink to cover up that empty feeling, to turn off that voice
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inside her head that says you're not doing enough, you're not
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doing enough, you're still not measuring up.
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And so that ended up becoming a self fulfilling prophecy where
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now some of these behaviors that that that are being driven by
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this core wound are actually causing issues in the
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relationship as well. And it's only reinforcing.
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We'll see. Now I'm trying to self medicate
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and I'm trying to adapt to feeling not good enough.
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And now what's happening is I'm certainly getting the messages
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that I'm not doing enough, that my behaviors are causing an
9:41
issue in the relationship. So I hope you can see in this,
9:44
this picture we're trying to paint that there are definitely
9:49
ways in which our core wound can drive, try the bus drive, the
9:54
the behavior deep down in trying to get that need met.
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But we do or go about it in a way that becomes a self
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fulfilling prophecy. So this is often how self
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abandonment happens. It comes out of an environment
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where we learned to focus on the connection with others at the
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expense of the connection of our self.
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So how do we recognize self abandonment?
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Well, there's several things. I think as I said, first of all,
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definitely being able to try to get in touch with your embodied
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emotions is really important because you need to be able to
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hear the signals your body is sending you.
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So you might say yes when your whole body is screaming no, you
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might minimize your feelings. Oh, it's not a big deal.
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I don't want to overreact. When your body is telling you
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this is a big deal, you need to speak up.
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You need to speak your truth in this situation, or you might
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silence yourself in order to avoid conflict or hurting
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somebody else's feelings. You might feel resentment
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building up inside of you or towards others because you're
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not able to express what you're really feeling.
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And finally, you only feel good enough when someone else is
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approving of you. Notice I mentioned earlier in
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this example, this particular person, she's looking for
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validation outside of herself. And I get that we all to some
11:36
degree want others to approve of us.
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That's built into who we are. That's not a flaw or or a chink
11:44
in the armor for want to for us to want approval from others.
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We all want approval. We all like Pats on the back.
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We all like job well done. And that's important to hear
11:56
that, but it's especially important when we want that from
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our partner. It's not enough to know our
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partner loves us. Let me rephrase that because
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often times I hear couples come in and talk about I don't think
12:11
they love me anymore or I fell out of love with this person.
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The love is an action as well as a feeling.
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But it is not enough to sustain a relationship.
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Love is not enough. We also want our partner to like
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who we are. And what rips my heart apart
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more than anything is when I have couples come in or an
12:33
individual speaking about their partner and they might say
12:36
something to the extent of I don't think this person even
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likes who I am. And what that tells me is that
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that person's it's not even just they may not love me that that's
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almost, you know, a given in this circumstance, but this
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person doesn't even like who I am, the very identity.
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I can't show up and be who I am with this person because I get
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messages that it's wrong. And that to me is much deeper
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and and much more damaging to an individual when we say something
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like that about our partner. So being able to recognize what
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your body is, is telling you in certain moments is really
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important. Do you shut down?
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Do you turn off your emotions much like sort of the avoidant
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attachment style might? This is their way of adapting
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and and in some ways they're abandoning themselves.
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Do you get overcome with anxiety and almost go into fight or
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flight, if you will? If so, this is your body telling
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you that something's not right here, that you are abandoning
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your core self and becoming so overwrought with emotion, right?
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Do you feel yourself building resentment towards others
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because you just give and give and give and give and it doesn't
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feel like anybody is giving back?
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I certainly have seen this sometimes with friends, right?
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Somebody comes in and say, well, I, I, I do have friends, but it
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seems like I'm the only one giving to the friendship.
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I'm never getting anything back in the friendship.
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And then resentment starts to grow inside that person.
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And so these are all really important signals that that we
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need to start to pay attention to.
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So one thing I hope you get out of this particular portion of
14:30
the of the podcast today is take a moment and reflect.
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Where do you most often lose yourself?
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Is it at work? Is it in friendships or is it in
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intimate relationships or could be all three?
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I remember years ago I worked for a company and it was a
14:50
particularly toxic environment and I was trying so hard to fit
14:56
in that I lost myself. I lost some of what makes me me.
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And I became this more sort of cold, kind of cynical dog eats
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dog kind of mentality in in an effort to try to blend in.
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And after I left that job and I kind of came back home to
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myself, it, it, it's then that I began to recognize, wow, I was
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really becoming somebody that I'm not.
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I, I lost the sense of sort of empathy and compassion that I
15:28
naturally have for other people. And it felt so good to be able
15:32
to come home to myself and express that truth to myself and
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then reignite that in my relationships because that's
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really at the core of of much more of who I am.
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So that's just kind of an example.
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Being able to look at and reflect upon where do I most
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often lose myself or abandoned myself.
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And furthermore, reflect on what situations make it hardest for
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me to be able to stay loyal to myself.
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Or to rephrase that to the listener, what situations make
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it hardest for you to stay loyal to yourself?
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Like that example I used where I was in a rather toxic workplace
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environment and it wasn't healthy for me.
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And I was trying so hard to be able to fit in and to to do a
16:22
good job to measure up that I lost some of who I was.
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All right, let's talk about how do we begin to come back home to
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ourselves? What, what are some steps that
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we can take? Now recognize that this is a
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process. This is not, as I use this
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metaphor a lot, this is not like a light switch, right?
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We don't just turn these things on and turn them off.
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Oh, now it's on. Oh, now it's off.
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Rather, it is a process. So the first thing I want you to
16:53
do is just take a deep breath and recognize this is something
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you can work on. This is a skill you can build
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like any other. This is a muscle that you can
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begin flexing and developing and growing stronger just like any
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other muscle or any other skill that you have.
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So take a deep breath and recognize that this isn't going
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to happen overnight, but that you can actually create some
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goals for yourself in these situations.
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And here's some things you can do that can be markers towards
17:25
your overall goal. Let's say, let's say three
17:27
months from now, because three months is a really good time
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frame. I, I like that in terms of
17:32
setting goals and and growth, personal growth.
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Three months from now, I want to be able to abandon myself much
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less, maybe maybe half that, half as less as I do now, let's
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say, whatever that number might be for you.
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So what do I what, what markers do I need to be able to
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accomplish that goal? What do I want to be able to do
17:58
each week and what marker do I need to hit each month that can
18:01
help me for that? Well, the first thing you might
18:03
do is you might just sort of pause and check in with
18:06
yourself. What do I really feel right now?
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What do I really need right now? What is my body telling me?
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What signal might it be sending to me that's pointing me towards
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whether I'm self abandoning or whether I am rooted and grounded
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in myself? One of one of the little mantras
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I've adapted is stay grounded, clear and connected.
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And I chose those for a reason. Because when we're grounded, we
18:36
are home in ourselves. When we're grounded, we know
18:40
what we feel, we know what our bodies communicating, and we
18:44
know our own truth. And so when we're grounded, we
18:48
also have that clarity of what we need.
18:51
We maybe we need to set a boundary.
18:53
Maybe we need to give in and be flexible.
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And in this particular moment, maybe we need to focus on
19:00
ourselves and not others. Whatever that need might be, it
19:04
is clear to us because we're grounded.
19:07
And then finally, we can stay connected.
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We're connected to ourselves and we can stay connected to others.
19:14
So being able to pause and do a check in each and every day,
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what is it I might need in this moment?
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What is it my body is telling me that's important for me to pay
19:26
attention to? Another step towards that goal
19:30
would be naming your feelings without judging them.
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I feel sad. Oh, I feel anxious or nervous.
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I feel angry. And when we name those feelings
19:41
there, there is a clarity that comes with that.
19:44
There is a sort of groundedness that comes with being able to
19:48
name those feelings. But when we do that, we want to
19:51
do it without judgement. And so when we say I feel sad,
19:56
we don't want to judge ourselves for feeling sad.
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The next thought should not be, I feel sad.
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Dang it. I can't believe I'm I shouldn't
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be feeling sad. Now I'm angry, I'm sad.
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That's not, that's not how this works.
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It is an opening to what you're feeling and and being open means
20:15
then you have your a chance to stay grounded in that feeling
20:18
and not avoid it and not move away from it.
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So saying I feel sad or I feel anxious or I feel angry, we
20:26
don't want to judge that. So we want to come it with some
20:29
kind of mindfulness towards that because we're really looking for
20:33
an openness of acceptance so that you could hold and embrace
20:37
that feeling when you feel sad and you name that to yourself.
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You can stay rooted in that emotion long enough to
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understand what it is you might need.
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OK, another another check mark towards your goal might be
20:55
learning how to set some micro boundaries for yourself.
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I pause, I check in. I'm feeling sad.
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I need some self-care right now. As a result, I'm not going to go
21:07
out with my friends tonight. I'm going to spend a nice
21:09
relaxing time at home. I'm going to just kind of come
21:12
home to myself. I'm going to watch a great
21:14
movie, I'm going to make some popcorn.
21:16
I'm going to relax, and I'm just going to let myself have an
21:20
evening where I just do some self-care.
21:23
Or it might be I can't talk right now, but I'll call you
21:27
later. And putting the cell phone on
21:29
silent, setting it in the kitchen or bedroom, or burying
21:33
it under the mattress for two hours of your evening so that
21:38
you're not distracted by that anymore.
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Or it could be little acts of self loyalty, such as, you know,
21:45
building trust with yourself over time.
21:48
It feels good to take care of myself tonight.
21:51
It feels good to do something for myself and it is OK that I'm
21:56
doing this. I'm not doing anything wrong,
21:59
I'm not failing anybody in this moment.
22:04
Something else you can do is you can try to repair it yourself,
22:08
right? Self abandonment is often coming
22:11
from an early adaptation to an environment where we were
22:16
rejected or abandoned. And sometimes it is that that
22:21
wound is an inner child wound. It, it, it is trying to
22:26
communicate to us that it desperately needs to be seen and
22:29
understood. And so doing some inner child
22:32
work can be helpful. You can say to yourself, I'm not
22:35
going to leave you this time. I hear you.
22:38
I've got you. It may feel weird and awkward at
22:42
first to talk to yourself like this, but it is how you begin to
22:46
build a more secure attachment with your, with your wound, with
22:52
your inner child. Because that inner child is used
22:55
to being abandoned. It got abandoned by the
22:57
caretakers when it most needed it and now continually gets
23:02
abandoned by you, by the adult healthy part of you.
23:05
And so trying to connect with that inner child and do some
23:08
reparenting can really be extremely helpful.
23:12
And, and then our, our, our, our, our coaching program that
23:17
we have, This is one of the steps that we have in that 12
23:21
week program when we do some parenting with that inner child
23:25
wound. And it's always extremely
23:27
powerful for people to be able to walk through that process
23:31
because they do get back in touch with this child part that
23:35
that never got heard, that never got listened to, that never got
23:38
truly seen. And, and when that adult part of
23:42
you shows back up and can attend to that child part, then it
23:47
really does feel like a healing's taking place.
23:51
Lastly, the final marker might just simply be practicing safe
23:56
connection. So, you know, healing doesn't
23:59
happen in isolation. As we learn to be more connected
24:02
to ourself, then we have to take that next step and we have to be
24:06
able to be connected to others. So finding safe people, whether
24:11
that's some friends, whether that is your partner, whether
24:15
that is a a particular parent or a grandmother that helped raise
24:19
you, finding those safe people and letting in those safe
24:24
connections and and letting that you know, internalizing that and
24:30
feeling how safe that feels can be really important marker as
24:35
well. We want to put ourselves in
24:37
position to be able to give ourselves not only a different
24:41
experience of our self by by creating a healing connection
24:45
inward, but we want to give ourselves a different experience
24:49
by being able to connect with people that are safe externally.
24:53
And that's extremely important as well.
24:57
OK, so this is our podcast today.
24:59
Hopefully now that we're at the end of this episode, you have
25:04
been able to understand more about why self abandonment
25:08
happens, how to recognize it in your daily life, as well as some
25:13
steps you can start taking on being able to come back home to
25:17
yourself. Thank you so much for listening.
25:20
This is Tom Phillip reminding you to stay grounded, clear and
25:24
connected.