Latest / Celeste The Therapist / EP 526 Cultivating Self-Love and Healthy Relationships

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EP 526 Cultivating Self-Love and Healthy Relationships · Celeste The Therapist

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Hey, hey, thank you so much for joining another episode of Celesta Therapist
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Podcast. My name is Celesta, I'm a therapist from Boston. If you've
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never been here before, I appreciate you being here. I've
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been podcasting since 2018. What we're doing
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on this podcast is we are talking about things that we go through,
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and then I kind of talk about ways that we can get through some
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of the struggles that we have. We are wrapping up our three-part series
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on all about love. And the first episode, which
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is episode 524, we talked about the origins
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of love, like where does love come from, like what it is. A lot of
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times we think it's a feeling, but I promise you, it's so much deeper than a feeling. If
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you're battling love and understanding it, go to episode
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524, celestotherapy.com slash 524. You can
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find it streaming on all podcasting platforms. 525, we
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talked about understanding why love
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is so hard. A lot of times we want something
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healthy, but we really don't know what it looks like. And it feels like this battlefield because
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we're fighting our old conditioning with something we're trying to do. And
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if we're not mindful and self-aware, the old conditioning will win. So
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that was episode 525. 526, today, we
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are wrapping up the series on All About Love. We're talking about self-love
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and cultivating healthy relationships. If you want to
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work on loving yourself better, if you want to work on having
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better relationships, this episode's for you. But if you have not listened
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to the first two parts of the series, I highly suggest that
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you go backwards, listen to those series, those
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episodes, and kind of come back to this. I also give
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homework assignments on these episodes. So if you're new here, Feel
1:44
free to grab a notebook and a pen, take notes. Don't let this be
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the last time you allow yourself to hear this content, because
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you can also read it, right? Make it like it's a
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class that you're taking every other week. These episodes drop biweekly. And
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so you can look at it as if you're taking a class on self-development,
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because my goal on this podcast is to help shift the way you think. And
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when you find yourself struggling, a lot of times you get stuck in some
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of the faulty thinking. and the ways that you've been operating and
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having content like this amongst other content, but it
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can help your mind develop new ideas, new
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relationships with the way that you've been framing things and
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new awareness, right? All of it's really good. All
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right, so let's jump into this content. And then if you
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are new here, I always like to give some visuals to help
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you follow along. I'm a very visual learner, so that's why I
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do that. So on this episode, we are talking about self-love, the
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role of discipline in self-love, and then practical tips
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for nurturing love and relationships. All right, so what is
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self-love? If we're going to talk about self-love, let's start with a working definition.
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You may have heard it thrown around in places, but
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what is it really? And I want to be clear, literally everything that
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we're going to talk about today, you do not need money to buy.
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You know what that means? You can't use the excuses what
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you don't have to start this journey. Everything that
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we're going to talk about today are things you can literally start right now
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in the comfort of your own home. That's the whole reason
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why I developed this podcast, because I realized people allow what
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they don't have to stop them. And let's be honest, having access
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to money can help make things a lot easier when you're on a certain journey.
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But then if we don't have that access, do we just say we're not gonna
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do it? And so I refuse to be the person that gives up on
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my journey, on my life. I literally did so many things.
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If you are a longtime listener, You know, I did a lot
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of things to start this journey without funds. What I
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have now is not what caused me to get to this point. It's
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me working with what I have that caused me to get
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to this point. So I just wanna make sure we're clear on
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that. So let's start with this working definition of what is self-love. So
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self-love is the state of appreciating, accepting,
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and valuing yourself. Already people are probably like, dang, I
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don't know if I value myself the way I should, right? Do I accept myself and
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who I am? This involves treating yourself with the
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same kindness and respect you offer a friend It's a foundation for
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well-being that includes practicing self-care Setting
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healthy boundaries and forgiving yourself for mistakes and
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embracing both your strengths and your weaknesses As you can
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see on no no parts of this that I say self-love requires
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you to go Get your nails done. Get your hair done. Go
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get a massage Are those things helpful? Absolutely, right?
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A lot of times when we think about self-love, we think about the tangible things. Everything
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I just described is not tangible, it's very intrinsic. It's the things that
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are inside, deep inside of you, setting healthy boundaries, forgiving
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yourself, right? Making sure you are embracing the
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good and the bad, the joys and the downs, right? You
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cannot just embrace one part of you. You
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can't turn off the parts that are hard. You think
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you may be turning it off because you are overworking, you're
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adding more things on your plate. You may think you're
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turning it off, but I promise you you're not. If
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you want to work on self-love, all of the things I described in
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that working definition is going to require you to work through
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that. You're going to have to really work on appreciating who
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you are. everything that you've gone through there. I
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have not done everything right in life. I have not done everything according
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to the way that I wanted to do it, but I promise you when it didn't
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work out, I allowed myself to accept
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that this didn't work out and look at a new avenue and a way that
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I'm going to move forward. So these are some components
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of self-care, right? So we talked about what self-care is.
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Now, what are the core components? So the acceptance, right?
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So I'm embracing all of me, my imperfections, my
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insecurity, recognizing my worth, right?
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kindness and compassion. So I'm going to treat myself with empathy and
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understanding, especially during hard times. A lot
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of times we talk to ourselves worse than we would talk to anybody else.
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The things that we beat ourselves up for, if it
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was somebody that we love that came to us with the same scenario, we
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would never even think about talking to them the way we talk to
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ourselves, right? And we do it so
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naturally that we don't even realize we're doing it. When
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you work with me, when people work with me, or even if you've been
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a long time listener on this podcast, you know, I'm always going
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to say you're with yourself 24 seven. Like, do you want to walk around
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with somebody that's bullying you? Or do you want to walk around with
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somebody that's motivating? Those voices that are
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happening internally where you're doubting yourself, where you are
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beating yourself up, that is not your voice. Those
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thoughts that are going on in your mind are the
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thoughts of the experiences you've had in the past, the things
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that people have talked down to you about. And so if
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you don't give your mind new avenues to
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work on looking at life differently, it only has access
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to what it's been exposed to. So if you've had a
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hard life, and you haven't done anything to
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work through those things that you've gone through, your mind
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will only understand the conditioning that it's had. Your
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mind is doing what it's designed to do, right? You
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have to start being in control of what's going
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on. Don't allow your mind to just control you. Don't allow your
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thoughts to control you. Be an active participant in what's going
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on. Self-care, right? This is another component of
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self-love. You got to start prioritizing your physical, psychological,
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and spiritual well-being. through things like working
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out, eating, right? And when I say working out, it's not about going to the gym.
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Get up and move your body. When you start to
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move your body, something happens because these ways
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that you feel stuck, you start to feel differently. Even when people are
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sick, when they're in the hospital, they had surgery, little by little, the
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doctors are getting them to Hey, let's move a little bit. We don't want things
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to get stuck. We don't want you to get stiff. I remember when I had a C-section with
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my child and I remember they gave me medicine, but
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they got me up. You need to start moving, get your bowels moving, get things going,
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right? Physically, literally moving your body is
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important. When you move your body mentally as well is
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very important. What you put in your body, right? We
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are living in a time, if you are in America, I know I have listeners in
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other parts of the world, but in America, they do
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not care about what ingredients are going on in
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the food that they give us. They're just looking at how can we produce more
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product with less money, right? We're
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all about consumerism and capitalism and how
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much money we can make. You'll be surprised the amount of things that
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they put in our foods are not allowed in
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other countries. What you put in your body matters.
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Moving your body matters. Trying to work on
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your sleep routine, it matters, right? These things
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matters when it comes to self-love and taking care
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of yourself, that goes into it as well, right? All
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of those things that I mentioned are going to go into self-love. So
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self-care, making sure you're prioritizing your spiritual well-being,
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right? What are you feeding your soul? This podcast, if
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you're listening to this, you're feeding your spirit. I listen
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to something every day. It's like medicine to my spirit. I wake
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up in the morning and I put something on
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and it really feeds me. It's talking about I'm listening to
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things that talks about the mind and how to maintain control and
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looking at what is happening, not focusing on what isn't happening. I
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speak the way I speak. I walk in alignment the way I walk because of
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all of the things I am embracing. I've said this before in
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the podcast, when we are physically hungry, we will go to the refrigerator and
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feed ourselves. When we are feeling spiritually depleted, we
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don't do that. We don't ask ourselves, what am
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I feeding my soul? Have I been around a lot of
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negative people? Have I been only watching negative things? Have
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I been just stuck in bed? When you're struggling
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spiritually, when your soul feels depleted, ask
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yourself, what have you been doing lately? You'll be surprised. When you
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start to take inventory of what you've been doing with your life, you'll
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start to see like, dang, I haven't really been doing the things that fill
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my spirit. You can go. It's
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harder to work on building yourself up.
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It's easier to tear yourself down, especially if that's
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been part of your conditioning with your upbringing. It's an unfortunate fact.
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It's easier to gain weight than it is to
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lose weight, right? Thanksgiving just passed and
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you had all that food and maybe you was on a certain trajectory and
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then you're like, how the heck did I gain all that weight? How did I do that much
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damage? The damage to going backward is
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easier than it is to move forward. Right? So knowing
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that that's the case, being intentional about your journey is even
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more important, especially if you live in America. We don't live in a society
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that actually wants to see us heal and do well. Because if
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it wanted us to be well, then this would be something they would
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talk to us about in our doctor's visits, right? They
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wouldn't say, oh, you're having trouble sleeping. Do you want me to prescribe you
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something? They would say, well, what's going on in your life? Has
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anything changed? What's your nighttime routine looking like? I
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was physically sick for two years and seen
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over three doctors. Not one doctor said, let me check this
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girl's vitamin D. I checked my
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vitamin D and found out that I was so deficient. When
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I got myself back to my optimal level, I haven't
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been sick in over a year because my body
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was fighting itself. Right? And I think about
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these small things. I just go to the pharmacy and over-the-counter
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vitamin D pill made everything better, but
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I end up spending so much money going to doctors, paying
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for deductibles, because America doesn't want to see us do well. This
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isn't me being paranoid. This is me being in this mental health
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world for over 20 years and seeing the way things work
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out and seeing the way things run. If
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you don't work on having a mind of your own, I
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promise you, you will be sucked up by the chaos of society.
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Society is very chaotic right now. If
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you don't want to walk in alignment with chaos, then you have to
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start working on doing things differently and thinking for yourself. Creating
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boundaries is another core component of self-love. So
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when you start enforcing limits in your relationship with your
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own behavior to protect your emotional and physical health, it looks differently. Boundaries
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are so important. They're not for the other person. They're for you, right?
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My friend Sean said, when you create
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boundaries, it will expose the toxicity in relationships. I've
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been in this field for a long time. I've worked with people on the beginning of
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their journey. The people that have been on the beginning of
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their journey to where they are now, some people are
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no longer in place, not because they passed away, but because
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they realized that they weren't good for them. Sometimes
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some of the relationship you've built has been because you have been a
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giver and not received anything. When you start saying,
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you know what, I'm going to work on practicing self-love and working on
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myself and creating boundaries, people in your life will struggle
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with that. And unfortunately, they're not going to go on this journey
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with you. That's the hard part of this journey of self-love.
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Forgiveness, right? That's another core component of self-love.
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Letting go when you make mistakes and reframing from self-blame. You got
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to let it go, right? Sometimes the things
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that we've done and the way we've operated has
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been because we've been just trying to survive. and
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I don't want you to beat yourself up for trying to survive. Once
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that awareness kicks in and you recognize, damn, I can't believe I was operating
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like that or I was doing that way, you're going to be like, you know what, Celeste? I
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see how you've had to do that to survive. It's okay, right?
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We're doing things different now. The way that
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you speak to yourself, it matters. It's so important to
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be kind, have grace with yourself, right? You
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may have gone through so many things, And as
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you become aware, if you are not compassionate
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with yourself, it's going to be a harder journey to
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getting to where you want to be. So those are some
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core components of self-love. Let
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me just exit this. Feels like it happens all the
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time. All right, so the next slide, what
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are the benefits of self-love, right? I mentioned some of this earlier, but
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your mental health starts to improve. When you start to work, and
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I am a living testament of this, I promise you
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I am. When I started to work on those core components that
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we just discussed, I literally had to cut people off.
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I literally had to start getting up and moving my body even
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when I don't feel like it. Your mental
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health improves because now you're not dealing with so much anxiety
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and so much stress. It's not that the situations aren't
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coming up. Let's say you have a friend that's always
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wanting something and you struggle. Why do they call me to watch their kid
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all the time? And because you've been practicing boundaries
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and self-love, like you're saying no, you refrain
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from saying, why do they want me to watch their
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kid every time? Why am I always saying yes? People
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only ask you to do things because they know you're going to say yes. Other
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people may have boundaries, you don't. And
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when you start to have boundaries, you're not stressing out over things you
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don't have control over. I cannot allow
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myself to be stressed because somebody's asking me something. I'm
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going to have to put boundaries up just because I feel bad and I'm like,
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oh, I want to do it, but I have all these things. Should I do it?
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It's like, no, I have all these things and I can't do it. When
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you're practicing self-love, your confidence starts to look
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different. You'll start to have a sense of self-esteem and
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your confidence starts to be more higher because
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you're starting to do the things you say you're going to do. You're not feeling the depletion
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of the world. You're having some inner peace taking place.
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When you are working on self-love, your relationships get
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stronger, right? Because it helps you set better boundaries and
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build stable connections. When you are working on
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self-love, right? Especially for people that are struggling in
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a relationship that doesn't feel right, right? Like some
16:54
people may be attached, right? We talked about love and attachment in
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the last episode. If you have some relationships that
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you're in, And you're like, I
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know this isn't for me, but I don't know how not to be a part of it. Self-love
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is going to help you do that work, right? And this is
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what I tell people when they're in relationships and it's not healthy and it's
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not the best for them, I recognize that it's hard. Some people have a
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hard time just going cold turkey. I'll say, you know what? Let's
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just start working on you. When you start working on you, I
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promise you, the clarity that you're going to get around the
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relationships that you're in, and these are not just intimate relationships, it could be
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work relationships, friendships, family dynamics, the
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clarity that you're going to start to get, it'll be hard for you to be
17:40
around them anyways. You'll slowly start changing up
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the connections and the ways that you've been engaging with
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them. It's going to look different. Don't worry
17:51
about stressing yourself out about, oh my gosh, how do I get
17:54
out of this? Let's just start focusing on you. That's literally
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the remedy for getting more clarity. Sometimes the people in
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your life may jump on the bandwagon. They may be like, you know what, Celeste
18:06
has these boundaries, okay, I'm not gonna call her anymore to watch my kid. And
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she's still my friend. That can happen. Does it
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happen often? No, but it can happen. I've seen that happen where
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people will fall in alignment with the direction that you're going in
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your life. The last thing on the benefits of self-love
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is increased resilience. So when you're working on
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loving yourself, it's going to allow you to handle life's challenges and
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setbacks. It's going to look differently. It's not going to feel like the
18:34
end of the world. Sometimes we're so
18:38
depleted. Think about a battery on your phone. When
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the battery is about to go low, let me plug it
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up before I lose complete access to
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my phone. We do that. It's so easy to do that. We can look at it
18:52
and see. When it comes to ourselves, we don't recognize
18:55
our batteries low. We're still doing any and everything for every
18:59
and any one. And we're almost on E. We're
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literally shutting down. If you can work
19:06
on self-love, you're not going to be doing any and everything
19:09
for everybody. You're going to be able to start your day with you. And it's
19:13
not about, you may not have one or two hours to slowly start
19:16
your day. And to you, it could be five or 10 minutes. I
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promise you it makes a difference. And so, as you begin
19:23
to work on loving yourself, you're going to find yourself being able
19:27
to have a different level of resilience where
19:30
it doesn't feel like everything's falling apart every time something
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happens. Now, let's talk about the role
19:38
of discipline and self-love, right? Because we talked about
19:41
self-love, what it is, and the importance of it. Some
19:45
of us know this, but we don't understand why
19:49
is it that discipline matters when it comes to self-love? Discipline
19:53
is a powerful form of self-love because it involves making
19:57
choices that are going to benefit you long-term over
20:01
immediate gratification. You all know I've talked about
20:05
the importance of not leaning into the immediate gratification. I'll
20:09
give you an example of that. showing love for your
20:12
future self. It's about consistently taking purposeful
20:17
actions such as setting realistic goals, honoring commitments, and prioritizing
20:21
your health, which increases your self-worth and builds a sense of
20:24
accomplishment. Discipline is not punishment, right? Some
20:28
people struggle with the idea of discipline. It's not punishment, I promise
20:31
you, it's not. But it's about loving yourself enough to do what is
20:34
necessary to achieve the potential life that
20:38
you are trying to build. And when
20:41
it comes to prioritizing long-term
20:47
goals over immediate gratification, I give this example a lot in
20:50
the mornings. So I have a lot that I'm doing, right? I'm
20:54
a business owner. I'm a mom. I'm a partner. I have
20:57
this podcast. I have clients. I have clinicians that work
21:01
under me. I have a very full life. And
21:04
I have a life where I'm planning it out, right? It's on my calendar. And
21:08
so I've recognized that when I waited to put my workouts
21:12
and moving my body to the middle or end of the day, it's hard
21:17
to take place because there's always something going on. So
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I said, you know what, Celeste, because you know this is going to help you,
21:24
let's move it to the beginning of the day. I started
21:28
moving it to five in the morning. I always used
21:31
to be like, how do people get up at five in the morning? That's wild.
21:36
Because I would do it later on, before kids, before business. I
21:41
didn't always do all these things that I'm doing. I've added things
21:44
on my plate little by little. I said,
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let me move this to the beginning of the day. Five
21:51
o'clock in the morning, it's dark. My bed feels good. It's
21:55
warm. My man's sleeping. and I
21:58
want to stay asleep, but the alarm goes off and I get up. You know
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why I get up? Because I know if I take that immediate gratification
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in that moment and I don't get up and I do not create time
22:09
for me and then all day I'm pouring everything out to
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everyone else, I am not going to feel good at the end of the day. I
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recognize that's the case. Early on in my career, when
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I was struggling and feeling all of this empathy for people and
22:23
I was like, this work is so hard, The missing
22:26
factor that I was missing is I was not pouring into me. And
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so now pouring into me is non-negotiable and
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it happens before anybody in this house wakes up. Does that
22:37
mean that you have to have the same formula? No, it doesn't. Five
22:42
o'clock in the morning was not always my formula. Other formulas worked out
22:46
when my lifestyle was different, when I didn't have this business that I
22:49
was creating, when I didn't have this podcasts and these kids
22:53
and everything else that goes along with my life. But
22:56
as my life changed, I made adjustments. What
23:00
maybe have worked for you five or 10 years ago, the problem probably
23:03
is you need to adjust and figure out what's going to work for you now. And
23:06
so I made adjustments. And so now I don't take that
23:10
immediate gratification because it doesn't help me. That extra
23:13
sleep, okay, yeah, that feels good in the moment, but
23:17
then long-term, Going to the bar after work
23:21
with your coworkers because you had a stressful day. Okay,
23:24
you do it here, you do it there, right? You're drinking in
23:28
the moment, it feels good, right? The wine tastes good,
23:32
right? You feel relaxed, right? I just need a little bit of wine to relax me.
23:36
But then what are you looking like when you wake up in the morning? Are you getting adequate sleep?
23:40
How does your body feel? Are you feeling more sluggish? Because
23:45
every time you're having a stressful day at work, you're going and
23:48
having a glass of wine or you're going to the bar. Going
23:52
for a walk, it's not something that
23:56
people say, oh, I had a stressful day, let me go for a walk. Why
24:00
isn't that the norm? I think that's wild that's not the norm because that leads
24:03
to long-term health and different things. Going to the
24:06
bar is more of a normal thing that people do when they find
24:09
themselves feeling stressed. There's no like, really,
24:13
you're going to go to the bar? If you can
24:16
work on looking at the way you are allowing your
24:20
immediate gratification to take over, you'll start to
24:23
see different changes in your life. Going
24:27
for a walk after work, going for a stretch, playing
24:30
a meditation on your way home from work to try to decompress,
24:34
those are not things that we're taught. We're taught about food, alcohol, sex,
24:38
drinking, sugar, food. We
24:41
have all these addictions to mitigate the
24:45
stress that we're under. Now we're putting our
24:48
healing in the moment in another resource
24:52
and not internally. Then when we think about those resources of
24:56
food, liquor, drugs, whatever it
25:00
is, does that make us feel good long-term? Does
25:04
it allow us to accomplish our goals? We got to start being honest with ourselves
25:08
and what that looks like. What is it that we're going
25:11
to choose? The choice is ours. Society
25:16
rewards the whole bar and the things that we do for the immediate
25:19
gratification, but the other stuff, nobody really talks about. Who's
25:23
going to get paid for me going for a walk? Who's going to
25:26
get paid for me listening to a meditation? It
25:30
doesn't sound like it matters. The first time you do
25:33
it, it may even feel hard to do. It may feel foreign. You
25:37
can build your system up to enjoy those things. I
25:41
used to party Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, go
25:45
to school, work. I was doing all those things. I
25:48
couldn't wait. If you told me on a Friday night, I was looking
25:51
forward to putting some fuzzy socks on and reading or watching
25:55
a Netflix series, I promise you, I would have thought that was wild. I
25:59
swear to you, I would have been like, no, who wants to do that? That
26:03
doesn't sound appealing. Staying
26:07
at home on a Friday night, you know how much is popping on a Friday night?
26:12
And so if you can work on going against the grain and
26:15
recognizing like, it's nothing wrong with going out on a Friday
26:19
night, but if you're doing it every weekend, that's the issue, right?
26:24
So be mindful of how you are allowing immediate gratification
26:28
to take over your life. How do you foster discipline?
26:33
How does discipline foster self-love? So
26:37
when you are disciplined with your self-love that you're
26:40
giving yourself, you're prioritizing long-term well-being, so
26:44
it helps you resist short-term pleasures. When I create a discipline, now
26:48
that I get up every morning, even on the days where I
26:51
don't have to go to the gym, my body still gets up. It's
26:55
so used to that. Build
26:59
self-worth. So when you're following with your goals, you prove to yourself
27:02
that you can be trusted with what you set out to do and increase your
27:06
self-confidence and your respect for yourself. One of
27:09
the things I tell people to do when they are working on trying to build
27:13
their confidence and discipline I say, if you're not making
27:16
up your bed, you can just start with making up your bed. It sounds small, but
27:20
that's what we need. We need the small stuff. So then you'd be like, oh shoot,
27:23
I made up my bed all week. People will come to me in session and be like, yo
27:26
Celeste, I made up my bed all week. Or I made up my bed four
27:30
times this week. I'm really proud of myself. I literally work
27:34
with people around being proud of the small moments because
27:37
they matter, they add up. They're telling your mind
27:41
a story. They're telling your mind the things that you're learning how
27:44
to be grateful for. When I go hiking and I'm in the woods and I'll look at
27:47
the trees and I just, I feel so good. And
27:50
I'd be like, I cannot believe this is here. Like this is so beautiful.
27:54
I never used to think that way. I never, I
27:57
never would say, I never said, let me go to the hike and look into nature
28:01
and feel, I felt good. Right. I worked towards that.
28:04
It started with making up my bed. I started making
28:08
my space, the area where I sleep, where I
28:11
live, made sure it was organized. It was not a
28:14
lot of things around. I recognized that affects my mind. When
28:18
I have clutter literally in my space, it clouds my
28:22
mind. These little things matter.
28:27
If you're in America, you live in a society that only
28:30
rewards or pays attention to the bigger things
28:34
that are happening, to the degrees or the houses or
28:37
the cars or the marriage. It doesn't
28:42
celebrate like, wow, you haven't been moving your
28:45
body and you walked twice this week. That's so dope. I
28:49
say that and I really mean that and it feels good to share
28:53
that with other people and to hear them come back and share their wins, especially
28:57
when they haven't been used to sharing them. Even
29:00
if you don't have nobody to share those wins with, you need to big
29:03
up yourself, say it to yourself out loud. The
29:07
role of discipline, it creates
29:10
a sense of control. When you start taking action, even
29:14
when it's difficult, it gives you a sense of agency over your life and
29:17
a feeling of fulfillment. Too many times people struggle
29:21
with feeling like everything is happening to them and they have no control
29:25
over their life. When you start to work
29:28
on doing the things that was within your control, it really helps
29:31
you have a sense of groundingness and peace. When the pandemic
29:35
happened, I was in the same boat as everybody else. I didn't know what
29:38
was going on. So I would tell people, let's work
29:42
on what we have control over. Let's get up in the morning. Let's move
29:45
our body. Let's pay attention to make sure we're eating, make
29:48
sure we're stretching. What do we have control over? That's the only
29:52
thing I had access to to give people. That was what I was doing. I was looking at
29:55
what was in my control. and so I help people see the importance
29:59
of looking at what's in their control to help them on this
30:02
journey. When you can work on being disciplined around
30:06
giving yourself self-love, the things we talk about, the boundaries,
30:10
the forgiveness, when you can work on the discipline piece, you
30:15
start to feel like you're more in control. The world can
30:19
be falling apart and I feel like it literally is
30:22
right now in this moment in 2025. It feels like it's
30:25
falling apart. And despite the fact that
30:29
I see the things that are happening in the world, and
30:32
it makes me very sad, there is something inside
30:36
of me where I have some sense of inner peace. And
30:39
it's something I can't explain, but I feel it. I feel grounded.
30:43
Right? Am I oblivious to what's going on? Absolutely not.
30:47
I speak to people every day. I listen to pain all the time. And
30:53
because I am a very disciplined person with how I
30:56
do things, I can feel the pain, I can see the pain,
31:00
but I'm also able to experience joy. And that's something that's so
31:03
hard for many people to do. The role of
31:07
discipline, it turns your dreams into reality. Again,
31:11
I'm a living testimony of that. I'm Celeste,
31:15
the therapist, right? I wanted to
31:19
get a state job and retire. I wanted to work
31:22
for somebody, make money. I never wanted to do this. I
31:25
put one foot in front of the other, and I talk about this a lot. And
31:30
one thing led to another, to another. I have two books
31:33
that I self-published. I have a business that I'm running. And
31:37
sometimes I be like, damn, I can't believe this is real. This
31:41
is real because I'm a very disciplined person. And
31:45
then the last part of how discipline fosters self-love, it fosters resilience.
31:49
So when you can push through setbacks and stick with your commitments, it
31:53
builds mental and emotional toughness. So
31:56
that's something that's important. There's going to be setbacks, but
32:00
if we're working on being disciplined, we're not going to allow those
32:03
setbacks to stop us with our goal. How do you practice self-love?
32:08
That's important. I'm talking about self-love, but I want you to
32:11
think about how you can practice it. Remember at the top of this episode, I said
32:14
that none of this stuff is going to cost you money. I want you to be very
32:17
clear on that. I don't need you to go out and buy another thing. I need
32:21
you to just work on taking notes and looking at what you
32:24
can do in this moment starting today. You start with small
32:27
actions, right? We talked about making up the bed. That's one thing, right?
32:31
Let's say you're already making up your bed. Is the area that you're in,
32:34
is it clutter free? Like picking up things off the floor, making sure
32:38
your space is okay, right? So let's say
32:41
you are a clean and organized person. Are you getting to work on time?
32:45
Let's start there, making sure we're going to bed at a certain time. Let's
32:49
say that we're doing that, but we are struggling with our
32:52
spirit. We want to feel more fulfilled. What are you listening to?
32:56
Find something to listen to every morning. There's
33:00
so many there's so much content out there, right? Let's
33:03
say you're struggling with the anxiety look for somebody that's talking about
33:06
struggling struggling with the anxiety creating affirmations around
33:10
the struggle that you have So just pick one thing
33:14
and then start with small actions as you're doing that, right?
33:17
So I said start with small action. That's one if you're taking notes to
33:21
celebrate your progress When you find yourself doing
33:25
it, you got to be like, good job, Celeste. That was great. You made up
33:28
your bed. Good job, Celeste. You listened to that video that she said she was going to
33:31
listen to. Good job, Celeste. You went for that walk that she said she
33:34
was going to go on. If you don't start celebrating the moments you go, and
33:38
I hear you, especially if you grew up in Caribbean homes, you
33:42
were kind of taught the way that you've
33:45
been raised is to look at what you aren't doing, right?
33:50
You don't get celebration until it's something huge. And even when it's something huge,
33:53
you still don't feel like you're doing enough. And so you
33:56
got to really work on deprogramming yourself and
34:00
work on celebrating the moments. As small as they are, they
34:03
add up. I promise you they do. I don't
34:06
want to gain the world and lose my soul. I don't want to have
34:10
all of these things and struggle inside. What is the point in
34:13
having these things if I'm not truly happy? Be
34:17
kind to yourself, right? Something we talk about all the time. Set
34:21
realistic goals. If you're not moving your body
34:24
and you talk about seven days a week, I'm going to go to the gym. Can you stop
34:28
doing that? Like, no. You know what? Two days out the week,
34:31
I signed up for the Y. Two days out the week, I'm going to go. Now,
34:35
I'm going to try to go. You got to say, nope, two days a week I'm going to go, and
34:38
I'm going to go Monday and Friday because I know that's a slower day
34:42
for me. Be realistic with your goals. Yes, you want to be
34:45
able to do things more, but if you haven't been doing them at all,
34:48
start small, celebrate those moments, and build yourself
34:52
up. Find your purpose. Connect your goals to a deeper
34:55
why. Why am I going to the gym? Because I want
34:59
to see my kids and their grandkids, and I want to
35:02
have a healthy life. When you identify why
35:07
you are doing something, it makes it easier to do
35:10
it. When my alarm goes off at five in the morning and
35:13
I don't want to get up for the gym in the morning, I remind
35:17
myself, why am I doing it? Because I have a full caseload today
35:21
and I need to be present. This is my business,
35:25
right? And I want to be okay for my partner. I want to
35:28
be okay for my children. How am I going to
35:31
help my children? How am I going to help the people that I work with
35:35
if I'm not okay? So I connect my
35:38
goals to a deeper why. And that fuels my motivation.
35:42
I want to say with motivation, motivation isn't something that you use
35:46
to only get you to where you need to be, because there are moments and
35:49
days I do not feel motivated. Motivation is
35:53
an added bonus. The discipline is what's going to allow you, regardless of
35:57
if you feel like getting up or not. So
36:01
the last section, right, we're talking about practical tips for nurturing love
36:04
in a relationship, right? We talked about self-love. What is self-love?
36:08
We talked about the importance of discipline, right? How
36:12
does discipline play a role in self-love? Now, I'm gonna give you
36:15
some tips on nurturing love in your relationship if
36:18
that's something you're struggling with. So communication and connection is
36:22
important, right? So you're gonna be open and honest with your partner. That's
36:26
important. Share your feelings, thoughts, needs, and fears directly with your
36:29
partner. How do you foster nurturing love and
36:32
relationships if you guys are not talking to each other authentically? Practice
36:38
active listening. So you got to give your partner your full attention
36:41
without judgment or interruption and validate their experiences. Just
36:45
because if my partner says to me, I feel like
36:48
everything I say is wrong. Literally, he said that
36:51
to me years ago. And in my mind, I'm like, I don't
36:54
feel like everything you say is wrong. But also, I had to recognize, I
36:59
don't know how what I'm saying is coming off to him. I
37:03
had to let my ego down because my ego would be
37:07
like, girl, that's not what you're doing. It doesn't matter what I think I'm
37:10
doing, I have to recognize what I'm doing and how it's playing a role and
37:13
how he's receiving it. Then if I
37:16
allow him to speak without speaking over him, without
37:21
telling him, no, you're wrong, if I start doing that, he's
37:25
not going to want to share things with me. He's going to keep it inside. He's going to walk
37:29
on eggshells. So when you're talking to
37:32
your partner and you're actively listening, be mindful
37:35
that what they say may feel hard. It may not be how you
37:39
think about them or life. But it's important you
37:43
listen and be like, I hear what you're saying. I get
37:46
that you feel this way. I want to be
37:50
mindful and understanding that this is what you feel. What can I
37:53
do so that you don't feel like I am
37:56
saying everything you do is wrong? What did I do
37:59
that made you feel that way? That opens the line of
38:03
communication. Expressing appreciation, so
38:06
regular acknowledge and show gratitude for your partner's actions,
38:10
qualities, and contributions. A lot of times we don't do that enough.
38:15
My husband will fill my tank and there's a lot of
38:18
things outside of the house that he does that I just don't do.
38:22
I don't like to change my oil. I don't like to go to the gas station
38:25
and there's a lot of things in the house that I do that he doesn't do. We
38:30
have different strengths and weaknesses in our relationship and
38:34
when we do that, even though it's what we do, we always say thank you.
38:37
Wow, thank you for doing that. I appreciate you. That feels good
38:41
to be appreciated. I've been married for 17 years.
38:46
We've been together for 23 years. Sometimes when people have been
38:49
in a relationship for so long, That stuff just slowly fades
38:53
away. You're not talking about like, oh, I appreciate you or what you
38:56
love about your partner. You're just allowing the mundaneness
39:00
of life to just go forward. And you are
39:04
so used to it happening that you don't allow yourself to
39:08
let your partner know that you're grateful. Prioritizing quality
39:11
time, so making dedicated time to connect without distractions, engaging
39:16
in activities that foster closeness and intimacy. It could be something as
39:19
simple as going for a walk at night, having tea together,
39:23
watching your favorite show together. Those things
39:26
allow for you guys to stay connected, creating some kind of shared
39:30
rituals. Unfortunately, a lot of people are growing apart. Maintaining
39:35
physical affection. So keep physical intimacy alive
39:38
through touch and affection. When you're in a relationship, sometimes
39:42
the physical intimacy piece, especially when kids get involved, when
39:45
activities get involved and these things happen, unfortunately, if
39:49
you're not intentional about creating physical intimacy, it's
39:52
gonna start slowly fading away. So just be mindful
39:56
of that. Supporting and support
40:00
and growth, right? That's another way to work on nurturing love
40:03
in your relationship. So support your partner's individual growth,
40:07
right? You guys, remember I said love wants to see
40:10
the partner grow? Like if you know your partner
40:14
enjoys, let's just say your partner
40:18
wants to be an electrician, right? And they're
40:22
studying for the test, right? Being able to be like, hey
40:25
babe, what do you need? during this time to
40:28
study for your test, right? How is that process going for
40:32
you? Just asking a simple question can help and go a long way. Be
40:36
emotionally supportive. So if you're being there for your partner during their vulnerable times,
40:40
that's helpful. Practicing forgiveness. I
40:43
told you, I've been together for 23 years. We each had
40:46
to do some forgiveness, right, for each other, for
40:50
ourselves, and not hold on to
40:53
it. The issue is like something happens, And then we
40:57
hold on to it and we're carrying to the next thing and the next
41:00
thing. And that's why you'll see people, they may be together 20, 30, 40 years,
41:05
but they're sleeping in separate rooms. Not because they choose
41:08
to, but because they can't stand the person. But hey, we're still
41:11
married. right? Because they're holding on to things and
41:14
people aren't changing. Now, it's one thing that you're practicing
41:18
forgiveness and the change is happening, but if the change isn't happening, then
41:22
obviously you need to go back to the drawing board. But sometimes change is
41:26
happening, but because you're holding on to the thing that hurt
41:29
you, You have to recognize, can I still be in this
41:32
relationship even with what has happened? Sometimes
41:36
things may feel like they're beyond forgiveness or beyond
41:40
you being able to stay with that person. You got to be honest with yourself. Then
41:44
if it's like, you know what, I can work on releasing it and letting it go,
41:47
that's fine. Doesn't mean it won't come up. Yeah, it'll still come up,
41:51
but it won't feel as heavy as it does when you're allowing it to take over
41:55
your lens on your relationship with your partner. And
41:58
then building trust, so building trust through being vulnerable, honest, and
42:01
consistent with your support is important. And
42:05
then the last part of the practical tips for nurturing love and relationships is
42:08
conflict and balance, right? So manage conflict constructively.
42:14
Fair fighting, right? You got to focus on one thing at a time. Let's say
42:18
I say to my partner, oh, you
42:22
keep leaving your clothes out or whatever. I'm looking
42:27
at his clothes and it's out. He was like, well, you never fill your gas
42:31
tank. It's like, wait, what? What are we doing? How
42:34
do we get to talking about my gas that you fill up?
42:38
We're talking about the clothes, right? So creating fair
42:41
fighting rules is important. And one
42:46
thing that is helpful, right, is creating intentional time
42:49
to talk about the wins and the things that went well, and
42:53
then the things that didn't went well, like creating intentional time. where
42:57
you are going to the drawing board. I always say there's businesses that
43:01
are successful, the CEOs, the board members, they're
43:04
having meetings. They're talking about the sales, the
43:08
marketing, what went well, what didn't go well. When you
43:12
think about your relationship with your partner, you got to do the same thing. To
43:15
expect for it to just magically continue to go and we're
43:19
not having intentional conversations, I think it's wild. It
43:22
doesn't happen that way. Every week,
43:26
I look at, okay, what do we have going on this week? What do we need to
43:29
do? I'm going to cook this day. We're checking in. He's
43:34
an entrepreneur, and I am too. We
43:37
have four kids, two of them in basketball. We
43:42
have so many things going on on top of my business, on
43:45
top of the classes that I run, that we have to be intentional. We
43:49
have to check in. We can't just expect things to
43:52
go and be fine. It's just not how life works. Being
43:56
intentional about checking in with your partner, especially
44:00
if you guys have full lives, don't expect for it to just
44:04
all fall into place on its own. Respecting
44:07
boundaries, give each other space when needed and respect the privacy and
44:10
boundaries. Y'all know I talk for a living, right? I
44:14
talk for a living. So, if I'm like, well, we could just talk, like,
44:17
I would literally be, be like, why aren't you saying nothing? Like,
44:21
I really would be upset that he wouldn't say nothing. I remember one time I decided to
44:25
send him a text about how I was feeling, I was going off. And
44:29
then he wrote back this long thing. I was like, oh, snap. Like,
44:33
it clicked. Oh, he is a slower processor than
44:37
me. He needs time to articulate his thoughts, and
44:40
he does better when I write things because now he can read it
44:44
and look it over. That changed the dynamic for
44:47
me where, yeah, do I feel uncomfortable and anxious
44:50
sometimes if I want to talk about something and he's not ready? Absolutely,
44:54
I do. But do I impulsively respond and
44:57
make it about him not wanting to talk to
45:01
me? No, I don't. I'm able to recognize what
45:05
he needs and what I need looks different, and he is
45:08
his own person. I don't have control over
45:12
him. I think sometimes we feel a
45:15
certain way, that inner child stuff. If you haven't listened to my series on inner
45:18
child, please listen to it. That inner child stuff comes up and it comes
45:22
up the most in relationships. What happens is we start
45:25
struggling with the way that we are feeling and
45:29
we are allowing it to be projected on our relationship. And
45:33
so he's not ready to talk. If I'm struggling with abandonment issues, which
45:36
I do, my mind and everything is like, oh
45:40
shoot, he's abandoning you. He doesn't care. And it's
45:43
like, I had to check myself and be like, no, that's not the case. This
45:48
is the way this man processes and I got to let him have his process time. Just
45:51
because we're in a relationship doesn't mean he owes me to talk when
45:55
I say talk. I think that's something that's
45:58
important to remember as you are
46:01
navigating conflict and relationships. And
46:05
then share responsibilities. So share the load of daily
46:09
tasks out loud, especially women. I find women, we try to
46:13
do everything. And it's like, if you wrote down
46:16
all the things you did, we're doing too much, right? Learning how
46:19
to be okay with saying you need support when you're in a relationship, it's
46:23
okay. And then creating new experiences. So being able
46:26
to explore new things together, it helps build anticipation
46:32
and it helps with the connection when you're learning new things together. Making
46:37
sure you support each other's growth, right? That's important. And
46:41
then let's talk about some homework,
46:45
right? And so even though I'm saying, you know, this homework assignment, this is
46:48
something I need you to think about doing on a regular basis, right?
46:53
Not something you just do one time. I need you to build it into your life. These
46:56
things that I'm talking about are things that I practice all
46:59
the time, every day, right? We
47:03
talked about self-love, what it is, the importance of discipline, right?
47:06
And then how to create love in
47:09
your relationship, how to make it work to nurture it, right?
47:13
In order to nurture it, you see, I left nurturing the relationship last
47:17
because you got to practice self-love in order to do that. You
47:20
can't nurture your relationship and you're not practicing self-love. When
47:24
you're practicing self-love, nurturing your relationship looks different. So
47:28
if you are struggling with self-love, right? I want you to
47:31
think about how do I create a self-love action plan? So
47:36
I'm giving you this and I want you to think about doing it. It
47:40
may seem like, well, what's the point? I promise you you're helping yourself build
47:43
systems. So list
47:47
three daily practices to nurture self-love. So one,
47:51
practice gratitude, writing down three things
47:54
you appreciate about yourself each day, right? I
47:57
appreciated that I was able to work
48:01
on my project today. I appreciated that I was able
48:05
to, you know, finish the assignment that I
48:08
said I was going to finish. I appreciate that I was able to go
48:11
for a walk today. I am grateful that I had
48:15
the opportunity to do X, Y, and Z. I'm
48:19
grateful that I was able to have
48:23
a good meal. I had a healthy meal. I haven't been eating well lately and
48:26
today I had a great meal. I appreciate and I'm grateful that
48:30
I was able to do that because it's helping me grow. Two,
48:34
mindfulness or meditation practices. So spending five
48:38
or 10 minutes daily focusing on your breath and being present, right?
48:41
You're teaching your system how to get into the moment. And
48:45
then the last one is engage in a joyful activity. So dedicate time
48:48
each day to do something that brings you joy. It could be reading something, drawing,
48:53
exercise, going for a walk, watching a show, right? These
48:57
things that I'm mentioning is less than 20 minutes. It
49:00
doesn't have to take that much time. I'm writing down three things I
49:03
appreciate about myself every day. I'm
49:08
doing that every day. That's five minutes. Mindfulness,
49:12
five to 10 minutes. Let's say that's another five minutes. I'm going to sit. I'm going to
49:15
be still. I'm going to be present. And then I'm going to engage in
49:18
an activity. Let's say that activity is I'm going to sit down and have
49:21
some nice chamomile tea. That's
49:25
another 15 minutes. Just sit and be present. Actually having the
49:28
tea and being mindful at the same time, we could kill two birds with one
49:31
stone. I'm sharing this
49:35
because I need you to see, I don't want you to go out and purchase
49:38
something to practice these things. I want you to look at what you
49:41
have, use what you have and start now because it
49:44
matters. So let's take a
49:48
deep breath. That was a lot. I appreciate you for being here
49:51
on this journey as we've like discussed all
49:55
about love, right? And the importance of self-love. It's
49:59
something that I'm so passionate about. You know, I never
50:04
ever 10, 15 years ago, this is not how
50:07
the way I felt or thought about things. Now
50:11
in 2025, I think deeply about these things and
50:15
how important they are. I bring them into my practice with
50:18
people. When I'm speaking to people and when I'm talking about
50:21
things, I bring this into the awareness so people
50:25
can understand like, yes, I know your business is hard
50:28
or your relationship with your kids or your partner. We're
50:32
talking about all these things, but let's talk about self. Your
50:38
relationships with the world looks different when
50:42
you are working on that self-love. And as
50:45
we've seen in this episode, self-love doesn't have to be about purchasing
50:49
things. Right? I understand money makes
50:52
things easier, but we can't just magically make it appear. And so because
50:56
I can't magically make it appear, does that mean that I don't allow myself
50:59
to give myself what I need? And
51:03
unfortunately, a lot of people aren't talking about it this way. And so we're
51:06
not thinking about it this way. So I really want you to think about love
51:10
and self-love in a way of like, how can I start right now
51:13
using what I have in this moment? Right? That's so
51:17
important. So I appreciate you being here
51:21
where you can find me, right? If you're a first time listening to me,
51:24
you just thank you for checking me out. I appreciate you. You
51:28
can find me on Instagram. As I said, I have a wellness center shifting the
51:31
way you think I called it shifting the way you think, because I want you to. really
51:34
work on getting unstuck. We're on Instagram as stwyt,
51:38
it's the acronyms. We're also on TikTok and
51:42
our website is stwyt.com. If you want to
51:45
follow my personal page, I have a podcast page and a personal page,
51:49
both Celeste the Therapist. One has a dot between the words Celeste
51:52
the Therapist. And then on YouTube, if you're
51:56
listening to this audio and I love watching the
51:59
podcast on video, there's certain podcasts I listen to and I like watching
52:03
the video on YouTube. So you can find me on YouTube And
52:07
if you are in a stone area, we do have classes in
52:10
person And now we are actually gonna have two of the classes
52:14
that are gonna be streaming online So if
52:17
you wanted to sign up for those we have a trauma-informed yoga
52:21
class that will be online and we also yeah trauma-informed
52:25
class and we're also doing an intention class online and Starting
52:29
this in December. So check those out go to
52:32
stwy t.com I appreciate you for listening if
52:36
anything I ever say resonate for you understand you have the power to make the
52:39
change But first you have this work on having faith
52:42
and believing in yourself And when you have faith when you start believing in yourself, I
52:46
promise you no one could take that away from you So