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Algorithmic Mirrors and the Big Fish Trap · Ryan's Journal

• 0:07
  Wait, wait, put, put that coffee down for a sec because, like,
• 0:10
  did you, did you actually listen to that message from yesterday?
• 0:13
  The, the one about the bowl?
• 0:15
  The, uh, the voicemail?
• 0:16
  Yeah, yeah, I did.
• 0:17
  I was, um, I was tracking my sleep score this morning, actually,
• 0:20
  looking at my HRV rebound, and, uh, it popped up in my feed.
• 0:25
  He called us, what was it, an algorithmic blender?
• 0:27
  An, an algorithmic blender!
• 0:30
  Exactly!
• 0:31
  Like, he said we take all these raw, messy, like, wild thoughts,
• 0:35
  right?
• 0:35
  Throw them in a bowl, mix them all up, and then, boom, echo them back out like a
• 0:40
  whole new pop hook or a new formula.
• 0:42
  I was laughing so hard because, like, er, isn't that literally what I do in the
• 0:46
  studio every single day?
• 0:47
  It, it really is.
• 0:48
  But, like, it made me stop and think, you know?
• 0:51
  Like, is that...
• 0:52
  is that actually what happens when people talk out loud?
• 0:55
  He was saying it is like taking your own chaotic words, getting them tossed around,
• 0:59
  and then hearing them back in a way that actually makes sense.
• 1:03
  Like, like biofeedback, almost.
• 1:06
  You know how when I wear my tracker and I look at my skin temperature or my heart
• 1:10
  rate variability, like, seeing the data outside my body helps me process the stress
• 1:16
  inside?
• 1:17
  Right, right!
• 1:17
  Like, if you just keep the jam session in your head, it is just noise.
• 1:22
  It is just, like, guitar feedback and screaming.
• 1:25
  But when someone else takes the track, turns the knobs, pan,
• 1:28
  pans the audio left and right, suddenly you are like, oh, wait,
• 1:32
  that is actually a hit!
• 1:33
  That is a vibe!
• 1:34
  But, but, er, he brought up a dark side to it too, right?
• 1:38
  Yeah, he did.
• 1:39
  He said, like, sure, the algorithm works.
• 1:41
  It reframes things.
• 1:43
  But if the tech messes with your natural flow, or if there is,
• 1:46
  like, a cyber hack or whatever, it can backfire.
• 1:49
  Like, if you get so obsessed with the external echo that you lose your own internal
• 1:54
  baseline.
• 1:55
  I think about that with my rest routines all the time.
• 1:59
  If I am staring at a readiness score on my phone every morning,
• 2:03
  am I actually listening to how my body feels, or am I just letting an app tell me if
• 2:08
  I am tired?
• 2:09
  Dude, yes!
• 2:10
  That is the whole thing!
• 2:12
  Because, like, we crave that reflection.
• 2:14
  We want someone to say, hey, I hear you, here is what you are actually saying.
• 2:19
  But then you look at, like, big systems, right?
• 2:22
  Schools, jobs, institutions.
• 2:25
  They do not do the bowl thing.
• 2:26
  They do not mix your words up to help you understand yourself.
• 2:30
  They just give you a grade and tell you to shut up and line up.
• 2:33
  Um, exactly.
• 2:35
  It is like this massive tension.
• 2:38
  The human mind is begging for a mirror, like, a real reflective loop to make sense
• 2:43
  of individual experience and trauma, but the institution just hands you a rigid
• 2:49
  textbook.
• 2:50
  They do not want your raw input.
• 2:52
  They just want you to match their output.
• 2:55
  It reminds me of that line he dropped about, uh, Korea and Japan and Switzerland.
• 3:00
  Like, he was talking about how there are probably all these super advanced systems
• 3:04
  over there, tech we do not even know about.
• 3:07
  And he said, knowing that is almost dangerous.
• 3:10
  Because, like, bigger news makes you feel shorter than you already are.
• 3:13
  Man, that hit me right in the chest.
• 3:16
  That phrase, bigger news makes you feel shorter...
• 3:20
  it is so profound.
• 3:22
  It is, it is literally social comparison theory in six words.
• 3:27
  In psychology, there is actually this famous framework by Herbert Marsh from 1984.
• 3:33
  It is called the Big Fish Little Pond Effect.
• 3:35
  Have you heard of this?
• 3:37
  No, but, like, tell me, what is the math on it?
• 3:39
  Okay, so Marsh studied how students evaluate their own academic self concept
• 3:45
  depending on the average achievement of the school around them.
• 3:49
  And across thousands of students, the overall effect, the beta coefficient,
• 3:54
  was negative zero point two eight.
• 3:56
  Negative zero point two eight!
• 3:58
  That means if you take an equally smart kid and put them in a high achieving
• 4:03
  selective school, their self concept drops significantly compared to if they were in
• 4:09
  a regular school.
• 4:10
  Bro!
• 4:11
  That is insane!
• 4:12
  Negative zero point two eight!
• 4:14
  That is, like, actual proof that being a big fish in a little pond makes you feel
• 4:18
  confident, but as soon as you get thrown into the ocean with the blue whales,
• 4:22
  you start thinking, man, I am tiny, I am nothing.
• 4:26
  I remember when I was starting out, like, fourteen years old,
• 4:30
  right?
• 4:30
  I was doing my thing, posting YouTube videos, feeling good in my hometown.
• 4:35
  And then suddenly I get thrust into the global pop market.
• 4:38
  I am looking at streaming charts in Japan, stadium shows in Europe,
• 4:43
  media coverage in New York.
• 4:46
  And I was like, wait, how am I supposed to compete with this?
• 4:49
  It almost completely killed my flow.
• 4:51
  I was constantly checking stats instead of writing songs.
• 4:55
  Right!
• 4:55
  Because your brain is not wired to process macro level global data while you are
• 5:00
  just trying to master your local craft.
• 5:02
  The listener in the voice note was talking about high school sports,
• 5:05
  right?
• 5:06
  Mentioning how hearing about these massive powerhouse programs like Dike when you
• 5:11
  are just a freshman or sophomore can completely mess with your head.
• 5:14
  If you hear about how big and strong the athletes are three towns over,
• 5:18
  you feel shorter before you even put on your pads!
• 5:21
  Yeah!
• 5:22
  Like, why do we need to know what the mega program is doing when we are just trying
• 5:25
  to learn how to throw the ball?
• 5:27
  It interrupts the flow!
• 5:28
  But, like, Roxanne, what do you think?
• 5:30
  Is it better to just tune all that out?
• 5:32
  Like, build a wall around your mind and ignore the big news?
• 5:35
  I, I debate this with myself every single day.
• 5:40
  Like, is blocking out macro news and global benchmarks a form of healthy self
• 5:45
  preservation, or is it just head in the sand denial?
• 5:49
  For me, if I spend all night reading about new medical studies or global health
• 5:53
  metrics, my anxiety spikes, my resting heart rate goes up five beats per minute,
• 5:58
  and I sleep horribly.
• 6:00
  But if I tune it out and focus strictly on my personal recovery routine,
• 6:05
  my sleep is deep and I wake up energized.
• 6:08
  So maybe protecting your micro environment is not denial at all.
• 6:12
  Maybe it is the only way to stay functional.
• 6:14
  I am with you.
• 6:15
  Like, if looking at the global chart makes you stop making music,
• 6:19
  then the chart is poison.
• 6:20
  Protect the flow at all costs, man.
• 6:23
  Speaking of staying functional, that metaphor he used about the computer Task
• 6:27
  Manager?
• 6:27
  That blew my mind.
• 6:28
  He was saying how institutions only look at the front screen.
• 6:32
  The report card, the test score, the productivity metric.
• 6:36
  But underneath, in the background processes, your Task Manager is running at ninety
• 6:40
  nine percent CPU capacity just trying to manage trauma.
• 6:44
  Dude, yes!
• 6:45
  The Task Manager!
• 6:46
  Like, when your screen freezes and you do not know why, and then you open up the
• 6:50
  background tab and there are, like, fifty random hidden programs eating up all your
• 6:55
  RAM!
• 6:55
  That is, like, the perfect way to explain what carrying heavy stuff feels like.
• 6:59
  Like, the front screen looks glitchy, but it is not because the main app is broken.
• 7:03
  It is because the background is completely overwhelmed!
• 7:06
  Exactly.
• 7:07
  Think about what that does to a person physiologically.
• 7:10
  If you have chronic sleep debt, say you are suffering from eighteen months of severe
• 7:15
  sleep deprivation, or you are carrying sensory hypervigilance from childhood
• 7:19
  bullying, your nervous system is constantly in fight or flight.
• 7:23
  Your cortisol is elevated, your heart rate variability drops to the floor,
• 7:28
  your prefrontal cortex loses bandwidth.
• 7:31
  So when an institution asks you to take a standardized test at eight in the morning,
• 7:36
  your body is literally spending all its resources just keeping you breathing and
• 7:41
  safe.
• 7:42
  You have zero baseline cognitive CPU left for their algebra test!
• 7:47
  And the crazy thing is, like, the school does not care about the background tab!
• 7:51
  They do not ask, hey, did you have nightmares last night?
• 7:53
  Are you dealing with a physical injury or fear at home?
• 7:56
  They just look at the grade and go, oh, you failed, you are lazy,
• 7:59
  you are falling behind.
• 8:01
  Like, what kind of standard is that?
• 8:03
  It is a total distortion of who a person actually is!
• 8:06
  It really is.
• 8:07
  I remember a few years ago when I was dealing with severe burnout and sleep issues,
• 8:12
  I tried to force myself to maintain my usual intense routine.
• 8:17
  Early morning workouts, strict schedules, back to back meetings.
• 8:22
  And my body just shut down.
• 8:23
  I was getting sick constantly, my skin was breaking out, my energy was totally
• 8:29
  zapped.
• 8:30
  And I realized, like, the institution, or society in general,
• 8:35
  treats recovery as if it is linear.
• 8:37
  They expect you to just move forward every day.
• 8:40
  They do not accept the concept of backwards progress or survival mode.
• 8:45
  They think if you step off the track to heal, you are failing the system.
• 8:49
  Man, backwards progress!
• 8:51
  That is such a real phrase.
• 8:52
  Like, sometimes you have to go backwards!
• 8:54
  Sometimes you are injured and you need to sit on the sideline.
• 8:58
  You cannot play the game with a broken leg, right?
• 9:00
  But institutions, they just push you out onto the field anyway and say,
• 9:05
  run faster!
• 9:06
  And then when you fall down, they act surprised.
• 9:08
  It is sick, honestly.
• 9:10
  It is so rough.
• 9:11
  And, like, what happens when you are on that field, hurt, trying to survive,
• 9:17
  and the kids next to you are actively trying to kick your legs out?
• 9:22
  The voice note talked about this dangerous breed of people.
• 9:26
  Man, that phrase gave me chills.
• 9:30
  People who are not your friends, who just constantly want to be a little bit better
• 9:34
  than you, no matter what.
• 9:36
  It is chilling, but it is so accurate to how school environments are structured.
• 9:41
  Institutions literally cultivate that dangerous breed!
• 9:45
  They design zero sum games.
• 9:47
  Homecoming courts, star athletes, honor rolls, class rankings.
• 9:52
  They teach kids from a super young age that for them to win,
• 9:55
  someone else has to lose.
• 9:56
  So peers start looking at each other not as classmates or human beings,
• 10:00
  but as threats or targets.
• 10:02
  Yeah!
• 10:03
  And if you stand out in any way, like if you have a visible difference,
• 10:07
  or a lazy eye, or you are struggling with hygiene, or you are just shy and nervous,
• 10:12
  that hyper competitive energy targets you immediately.
• 10:16
  He talked about being mocked for thirteen years!
• 10:19
  Thirteen years of nicknames like Screech, people laughing in your face,
• 10:23
  making fun of how you look or how you act.
• 10:26
  Like, when someone laughs at your disability or your pain, your brain does not know
• 10:30
  how to process that.
• 10:31
  It turns laughter into a weapon.
• 10:33
  Laughter as a weapon...
• 10:35
  yeah.
• 10:36
  Because positive social laughter builds connection and lowers stress.
• 10:41
  But contemptuous mocking laughter triggers the exact same brain regions as physical
• 10:47
  pain.
• 10:48
  It creates a deep somatic imprint.
• 10:51
  When you are subjected to that for over a decade, your nervous system registers
• 10:56
  social environments as life threatening arenas.
• 11:00
  And what makes it so sinister is that the institution enables it.
• 11:04
  Teachers and administrators focus on state test scores while background cruelty runs
• 11:09
  rampant in the hallways.
• 11:11
  Right!
• 11:11
  And then those same kids grow up, but they keep that same dangerous mindset,
• 11:15
  right?
• 11:16
  They carry that I gotta beat you energy into offices, into relationships,
• 11:20
  into everyday life.
• 11:22
  And if you are someone who has been bruised by that your whole life,
• 11:25
  walking into a room full of those people makes you just want to isolate completely.
• 11:29
  Like, why would I want to engage with a public that just wants to use me as a target
• 11:34
  for their own ego?
• 11:36
  It explains why so many people withdraw.
• 11:39
  It is not that they lack social skills or do not want connection.
• 11:44
  It is an intelligent physiological defense mechanism.
• 11:48
  If the macro environment has proven to be toxic and hostile for thirteen years,
• 11:53
  hiding your vulnerability and staying on the sideline is the safest thing you can
• 11:57
  do.
• 11:58
  So, like, how do we break out of that?
• 12:00
  How do we stop letting the dangerous breed and the rigid institutions run our whole
• 12:04
  Task Manager?
• 12:05
  Because we cannot spend the rest of our lives stuck in high school trauma,
• 12:09
  right?
• 12:09
  Right.
• 12:10
  For me, the first step is completely breaking away from zero sum metrics and
• 12:14
  creating what I call unmonitored recovery spaces.
• 12:17
  We live in a world where everything is tracked, scored, and ranked.
• 12:21
  Even wellness apps now have leaderboards!
• 12:24
  People are literally competing over who has the highest sleep score or the best HRV
• 12:29
  rebound!
• 12:29
  It is insane.
• 12:31
  I had to turn off the social sharing features on all my health trackers.
• 12:35
  My rest belongs to me.
• 12:36
  It is not a performance for anyone else.
• 12:39
  Bro, that is so massive.
• 12:41
  Unmonitored recovery spaces.
• 12:43
  That is what the studio used to be for me before all the pressure came in,
• 12:47
  and it is what I have had to fight to make it again.
• 12:50
  When I am just sitting at a piano, no cameras, no label executives,
• 12:54
  no charts, just making sounds because it feels good in my soul,
• 12:58
  that is flow.
• 12:59
  That flow is a shield, man.
• 13:00
  When you are in your true creative flow, external noise cannot touch you.
• 13:04
  You are not competing with anyone.
• 13:06
  You are just being.
• 13:07
  Yes!
• 13:08
  And it comes down to shifting from a macro mindset to a micro mindset.
• 13:13
  Like the listener said, you cannot solve your life at a macro level where millions
• 13:18
  of people are judging you based on a twenty second soundbite or a test score.
• 13:22
  You have to shrink your world down.
• 13:24
  Build a small micro community.
• 13:26
  Two or three people.
• 13:28
  A trusted friend, a compassionate therapist, a partner who actually understands your
• 13:32
  background processes and does not demand that you perform for them.
• 13:36
  A micro community!
• 13:37
  Man, that is everything.
• 13:39
  People who look at your background tab and say, hey, I see your CPU is at ninety
• 13:43
  percent today, take all the rest you need.
• 13:45
  We do not need a stadium full of surface level applause.
• 13:48
  We just need a few real ones who get the whole story.
• 13:51
  Exactly.
• 13:52
  And as we wrap up today, I think the real question we have to ask ourselves is...
• 13:57
  in a world where macro institutions are stubbornly blind to our background stress,
• 14:02
  how do we build those small, safe micro communities that protect our individual
• 14:06
  flow?
• 14:06
  Man.
• 14:07
  That is the question right there.
• 14:09
  Alright, good chatting today, Roxanne.
• 14:11
  Let us keep protecting the flow.