Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #709 Hacks for When School Sucks

Transcript

#709 Hacks for When School Sucks · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, if my way of thinking about school is so settled,
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  Speaker 2: is it possible that I can change my attitude just
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  Speaker 2: a little bit?
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 2: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson here with Kylie, my
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  Speaker 2: wife from Monday, our six kids. Welcome to another week, Monday, Monday.
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  Speaker 2: I love Mondays, Fresh Starts, Kylie. It's an opportunity to
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  Speaker 2: get on with it, to implement all the stuff where
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  Speaker 2: we're going to be better. And today's to.
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  Speaker 3: Day right now, we need Monday every day. Fresh Starts
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  Speaker 3: every day.
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  Speaker 2: Fresh Starts every day. Let's just do it. Now. We're
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  Speaker 2: several weeks into the new school term, four or five,
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  Speaker 2: six weeks, depending on which state you're in, and I
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  Speaker 2: get emails all the time to my Facebook page, to
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  Speaker 2: our podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot au about
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  Speaker 2: school and the challenges that school presents. School is hard
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  Speaker 2: for a lot of kids, not for everyone, but for
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  Speaker 2: a lot of kids, And so tonight for our Happy
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  Speaker 2: Families members and for anyone else who has not yet
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  Speaker 2: purchased but would like to just come on in and
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  Speaker 2: join us. We're doing a webinar about how to help
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  Speaker 2: when school sucks because there are so many kids that say,
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  Speaker 2: hate it, don't want to go, don't want to be
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  Speaker 2: there Today, I'm over it. I really don't want to
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  Speaker 2: do any schooling stuff at all. So tonight the webinar
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  Speaker 2: how to help when school Sucks. You can buy it
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  Speaker 2: online at Facebook or at happy families dot com dot
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  Speaker 2: you just got to doctor Justin Corson's Happy Families. But
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  Speaker 2: I thought we'd give people a bit of a sneak peek.
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  Speaker 2: Let's share a few ideas now about what's going to
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  Speaker 2: come up tonight, and we'll go to them in reasonable
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  Speaker 2: depth so that there's some value for people who either
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  Speaker 2: a don't have the cash to be able to do it,
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  Speaker 2: or maybe and not quite sure, maybe I'm on the
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  Speaker 2: fence do I or don't I. Tonight I'm going to
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  Speaker 2: share five big ideas when school sucks, and there are
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  Speaker 2: many more than five, but these are what I think
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  Speaker 2: of the critical things to take into account, and I thought, well,
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  Speaker 2: let's go over a couple of them now.
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  Speaker 3: So what's your first one? What would you suggest would
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  Speaker 3: be one of the most helpful tips for parents in
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  Speaker 3: relation to kids who a struggling.
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  Speaker 2: All right, So before I share this first one, I
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  Speaker 2: just want to preface it by saying, I think this
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  Speaker 2: is the most important one, but it's also the hardest
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  Speaker 2: one to shift, and it's also the one that can
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  Speaker 2: if we're not careful with it, it can steer us
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  Speaker 2: into what I would call happyology. That is, let's just
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  Speaker 2: pretend everything's okay, let's mask everything, let's just have a
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  Speaker 2: great positive mental attitude kind of thing. And that's not
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  Speaker 2: that's not what I'm getting at, and it's not what
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  Speaker 2: I want people to walk away with. But now that
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  Speaker 2: I've used that as a preface, my first central principle
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  Speaker 2: is that attitude is everything.
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  Speaker 3: So the challenge you have here is that only you
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  Speaker 3: can determine what your attitude is. Therefore, only your children
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  Speaker 3: can determine what their attitude is. We actually don't get
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  Speaker 3: to side. Yeah, their attitude's going to be in any
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  Speaker 3: given moment.
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  Speaker 2: No child, in response to her parents saying you need
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  Speaker 2: to change your attitude, has said, oh, I feel much
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  Speaker 2: better now I've changed my attitude. Like it just it
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  Speaker 2: doesn't happen, shape up, ship out. That kind of stuff
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  Speaker 2: that kids like I'm leaving that I'm not going to
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  Speaker 2: shape up. This is ridiculous. So the story that I'm
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  Speaker 2: going to tell tonight in the webinar, I want to
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  Speaker 2: share it now on the podcast as well. It's really short,
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  Speaker 2: it's really simple, but it illustrates precisely what I'm talking
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  Speaker 2: about when I say attitude is everything. Some years ago
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  Speaker 2: we moved from Woollongong to Brisbane. It was a really
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  Speaker 2: big move. We've been in the Gong for nine years.
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  Speaker 2: Our children essentially grew up in that beautiful, wonderful location
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  Speaker 2: that we still miss and we still absolutely love. And
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  Speaker 2: when we made that move, we had a couple of
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  Speaker 2: kids that really resented and resisted the fact that it
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  Speaker 2: had happened. And when we were in the car one day,
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  Speaker 2: everyone's having a win. I hate being in Brisbane. I
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  Speaker 2: hate this and our I think Ella at the time
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  Speaker 2: was in grade seven or thereabouts. She piped up from
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  Speaker 2: the backseat of the car and said something along the
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  Speaker 2: lines of, well, I don't really like the fact that
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  Speaker 2: I'm here anyway, but since I'm here, I'm just going
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  Speaker 2: to do my best to make it work because that
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  Speaker 2: can't be anywhere else, and my attitude's going to do
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  Speaker 2: decin whether I have a good time or lot. So
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  Speaker 2: I'm just going to make it work. And the other
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  Speaker 2: kids looked at her and were like, well, they're so
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  Speaker 2: so supid, Like they were really mad at her for it.
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  Speaker 2: But of all of our kids, she was the one
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  Speaker 2: who adapted the fastest. She was the one who literally
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  Speaker 2: made it work. Her attitude was everything, and so was theirs.
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  Speaker 3: So I was having a conversation with the girls the
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  Speaker 3: other night, did you hear.
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  Speaker 2: That noise coming through? I you care?
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  Speaker 3: Sorry?
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  Speaker 2: Sorry about the production quality? Guys that I don't know
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  Speaker 2: if we can do anything about this, but there's somebody
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  Speaker 2: using power tools right next to our office. Go again.
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  Speaker 3: So the other night I was having a conversation with
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  Speaker 3: the girls because we're really struggling with some poor attitude
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  Speaker 3: of yeah, say, And I acknowledged to them that there
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  Speaker 3: are times where our family is just in heaven with
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  Speaker 3: the way things run. Everything is going beautifully and you know,
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  Speaker 3: they're communicating clearly with each other and they're sensitive to
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  Speaker 3: each other's needs, like it's just beautiful, But there are
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  Speaker 3: lots of times where we're not there. And I said,
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  Speaker 3: it's kind of like going to a Desserber, and I said,
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  Speaker 3: you know what's on offer? So you can have Anie
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  Speaker 3: Adell's triple chop cherry trifle.
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  Speaker 2: I love that triple choc cherry trifle.
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  Speaker 3: Or you could have cookies and cream ice cream sundaes,
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  Speaker 3: or you could have a Churro's fruit platter with all
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  Speaker 3: the dipping chocolate that you want. But if all the
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  Speaker 3: things on display, you're choosing to eat pumpkin pie. Now,
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  Speaker 3: sorry for anyone who likes pumpkin pie.
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  Speaker 2: We don't like pumpkin cope. It's safe to say.
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  Speaker 3: It's literally at the bottom of my list. I pretty
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  Speaker 3: much will eat anything with sugar innat, I won't eat
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  Speaker 3: pumpkin pie. And I said, so, of all the things
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  Speaker 3: you could have right now, you're literally choosing to have
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  Speaker 3: the worst thing on the menu.
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  Speaker 2: I love this metaphor because for most people who are
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  Speaker 2: listening to this podcast, and for you and I, we're
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  Speaker 2: living in affluent societies, and our children have access to
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  Speaker 2: so many, so many great tools, so many great options.
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  Speaker 2: Don't mean everything's going to be perfect, no, And are
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  Speaker 2: we going to ignore the structural realities that mean that
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  Speaker 2: your child with additional needs, for example, is really struggling,
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  Speaker 2: or your child who's really challenged with friendship issues. We're
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  Speaker 2: not pretending that stuff isn't there. And that's why I
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  Speaker 2: don't want to veer into the happyology side of things. Yet,
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  Speaker 2: Ella she had some learning challenges, she had some speech
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  Speaker 2: in language difficulties, she had no friends. She just moved
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  Speaker 2: and the only difference was her attitude between that and
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  Speaker 2: that of her sisters. And yet she was the one
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  Speaker 2: who she was like, well, there is an entiet is
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  Speaker 2: that menu?
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  Speaker 1: Hear?
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  Speaker 2: And I'm going to do my best to get my
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  Speaker 2: hands on the lemon rang pie. I'm going to make
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  Speaker 2: sure I get into the mudcake like she just went
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  Speaker 2: and found access to it. There's something really profound and
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  Speaker 2: powerful about it. There's a phrase that I love to use,
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  Speaker 2: and that is that your attention goes where your energy flows,
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  Speaker 2: and vice versa. Your energy goes where your attention flows.
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  Speaker 2: And so if you've got a kid who's in the
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  Speaker 2: hot school, all they do is notice all the rotten
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  Speaker 2: stuff about school, and so all the energy flows into
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  Speaker 2: all the rotten stuff about school.
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  Speaker 3: And I think this is where the power comes for
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  Speaker 3: helping our kids to understand that they actually can choose.
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  Speaker 3: There are going to be things about every stage of
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  Speaker 3: life that's going to suck being a parent. There are
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  Speaker 3: things that we could tick off our list that suck, right,
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  Speaker 3: But there are also so many beautiful things about being
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  Speaker 3: a parent. But if I get so caught up and
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  Speaker 3: only thing seeing the things that suck, then that's all
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  Speaker 3: I'm going to see. I get to choose what parenting
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  Speaker 3: looks like to me in any given moment, as they
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  Speaker 3: get to choose what schooling looks like.
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  Speaker 2: So I don't want to deny the structural realities. I'm
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  Speaker 2: so sorry for that noise. By the way, this person
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  Speaker 2: with this tool is clearly unaware that we're recording a
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  Speaker 2: podcast right now. My attitude has to be good in
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  Speaker 2: spite of that. I don't want to ignore the structural realities.
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  Speaker 2: They are there. But there are structural realities in every scenario,
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  Speaker 2: as you were just saying, that could cause our attitude
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  Speaker 2: to stink or require us to proactively choose a good
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  Speaker 2: attitude and look for the good. And I know, if
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  Speaker 2: you've got someone who's dealing with massive anxiety or depression
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  Speaker 2: or has significant additional needs, asking them to find three
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  Speaker 2: things that they're grateful for, so that they can change
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  Speaker 2: their attitude. It sounds unhelpful. Again, it's not what we're
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  Speaker 2: really suggesting, or not what I'm proposing, rather as saying,
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  Speaker 2: what is your settled an attitude? Literally is your settled
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  Speaker 2: way of thinking about something? And wondering if my way
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  Speaker 2: of thinking about school is so settled, is it possible
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  Speaker 2: that I can change my attitude just a little bit?
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  Speaker 2: Can I be settled on these three or four things?
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  Speaker 2: But can I have a different settled attitude about these
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  Speaker 2: three or four things that are also at school? And
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  Speaker 2: if I can put my energy and my attention into
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  Speaker 2: the more positive things, suddenly does become just that little
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  Speaker 2: bit more bearable.
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  Speaker 3: It's The Happy Family's podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers. Now, we spent a
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  Speaker 3: lot of time on point number one. Have you got
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  Speaker 3: a second point you want to share?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, the second idea that I want to talk about
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  Speaker 2: is actually a pretty brief one, but it's really important
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  Speaker 2: to me, and that is helping kids find purpose in school.
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  Speaker 2: So when I was at school, there was no purpose
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  Speaker 2: to me being there. I remember saying to my history
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  Speaker 2: teacher in grade eight, grade nine or something, my attitude
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  Speaker 2: towards history is that we should just let bygones be bygones,
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  Speaker 2: because then I don't have to worry about history anymore.
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  Speaker 2: And then in grade eleven, when I had a subject
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  Speaker 2: selection problem and there were clashes on the different timelines
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  Speaker 2: and streams and things, I actually had to do history,
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  Speaker 2: and the teacher sat down at me and said, well,
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  Speaker 2: last time I talked to you about history, you said
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  Speaker 2: let bygones be bygones. Why should I let you into
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  Speaker 2: my class? And I was like, oh, because I'm desperate,
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  Speaker 2: I have no answer. I just need to do history.
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  Speaker 2: As it turns out, it was pretty much the only
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  Speaker 2: subject that I passed in high school. But I just
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  Speaker 2: didn't see the point because I was going to be
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  Speaker 2: a radio DJ and radio DJs. I'm so sorry to
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  Speaker 2: any radio DJs that listening to the Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 2: But you don't have to be very very smart academically.
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  Speaker 2: You don't have to have gotten a nine to nine
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  Speaker 2: point nine to five at are to become a radio DJ.
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  Speaker 2: You pretty much just have to hang around the radio station,
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  Speaker 2: know how to push a few buttons and be okay
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  Speaker 2: with your words, and you kind of make this career
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  Speaker 2: happen and so because there was no purpose in schooling,
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  Speaker 2: I hate despised every last minute of school. And that's
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  Speaker 2: a really big challenge when you kids can't see the point.
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  Speaker 2: Our challenge, therefore, as parents is to help them to
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  Speaker 2: see the point. Because the school becomes increasingly purposeful, they're
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  Speaker 2: much more likely to shift their settled way of thinking
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  Speaker 2: about school. They're going to shift that attitude. A bad
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  Speaker 2: attitude is kind of like a flat tire on a car.
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  Speaker 2: You can't go anywhere unless you change it. And having
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  Speaker 2: purpose you almost smart at me when I said that.
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  Speaker 2: You almost like that, almost almost having purpose helps you
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  Speaker 2: to change the tire.
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  Speaker 3: I'm trying to remember the last time you changed a tire.
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  Speaker 2: Oh you know what, I have changed a tire recently.
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  Speaker 2: We had anyway, let's not go there. I did change
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  Speaker 2: a tire not not too long ago.
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  Speaker 3: So we experienced this literally the other day with our
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  Speaker 3: fifteen year old. She wants to be a pediatric doctor.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think she was a pediatric psychiatrist or something like.
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  Speaker 2: She changes her mind every couple of days, but something
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  Speaker 2: to do with pediatrics and neither medicine or psychiatry. Like
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  Speaker 2: the only one of our six children who has any
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  Speaker 2: genuine academic ambition.
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  Speaker 3: But she hates school.
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  Speaker 2: She hates school.
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  Speaker 3: She hates school at school, and it's really really hard
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  Speaker 3: for her until she came home and she said to us, so,
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  Speaker 3: I was having a look at some of the certificates
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  Speaker 3: that are available at my school, and one of them
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  Speaker 3: is a nursing certificate. And she said, I was thinking,
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  Speaker 3: if I do that nursing certificate, it kind of gets
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  Speaker 3: me in the door in the medical realm. Yeah, and
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  Speaker 3: she said, and then if I'm doing that, then maybe
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  Speaker 3: I could get a job at a pharmacy, just helping
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  Speaker 3: out behind the counter. And then if I wanted to
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  Speaker 3: kind of go a bit further once I leave school,
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  Speaker 3: if I wanted to, I could maybe study to be
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  Speaker 3: a paramedic or do patient transport. Like all of the
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  Speaker 3: dots started to connect for her. I don't actually have
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  Speaker 3: to be a doctor right now, but there are so
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  Speaker 3: many different avenues that I can take that get me
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  Speaker 3: in the vicinity.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: I'm not a qualified doctor, but I'm starting to work
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  Speaker 3: in the areas that are going to leave me there.
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  Speaker 2: And there's now purpose. There's purpose to school, there's purpose
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  Speaker 2: to different activities.
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  Speaker 3: And the energy in the conversation just shifted as she
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  Speaker 3: started to see the possibilities open up to her.
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  Speaker 2: What's to do when school sucks? It's the webinar that
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: happens tonight for all of our Happy Families members. It's
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: included in your membership. You just have to log on
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: this evening and participate. If you are not a Happy
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: Family's member, you've got a couple of options. Number one,
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: become one, Come and join the Happy Families family. We
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: would love to have you. If you are not so
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: sure about that, maybe you could just attend tonight and
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: you can get all the information that you need on
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: our Facebook page Dr Justin Colson's Happy Families or at
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: Happy Families dot com dot a U. The Happy Family's podcast,
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: it's produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: is our executive producer. Hopefully see it to night to
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: talk more about the five big ideas for what we
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: can do when school sucks. And there's that noise right
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: on this sound like I did