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Transcript

S1 Ep25: Grim Laughs & Good Times🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:42
  SPEAKER_03: You do not know what you signed on for.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_03: Uh thank you guys very much for being here.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_03: This is uh a delight.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_03: I appreciate you.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it's it's been a minute since I've been back to Minneapolis.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_03: So thank you for having me here.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you for coming out and spending your Saturday night with me.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_03: I know, uh, listen, if if you uh happen to buy a ticket to this show uh without knowing who I am and you just came to a comedy show, thank you extra special to you for doing that.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_03: That's a bold move to do with your money.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_03: I know.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_03: I know it's a weird job.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_03: I've never heard of him.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_03: Let's give it a shot.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_03: It's a gamble.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_03: So thank you.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_03: If you do know who I am and you bought a ticket, thank you.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_03: I do appreciate you coming back.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_03: That's very nice of you.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_03: If you're the date of somebody who knows who I am, I know the speech you got to get.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_03: So I know the speech they gave you to come in here.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_03: So if they're like, no, he looks like a jagoff, but he talks about his feelings.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_03: You'll like it.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_03: You'll like it.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_03: Trust me.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_03: No, it looks like he uses the word tyranny in casual conversation.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_03: He's not like that at all.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_03: He's not like that at all.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_03: That being said, like, I don't.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_03: It's tough to be a comedian and be intolerant.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_03: That's almost like to see comedians get like get older and be less tolerant.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_03: It's because you have to travel so much and encounter so many different groups of people, and that you meet all these people, and I want all their money.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_03: So I really trying to appeal to the masses these days.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_03: I'm selling out, baby.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_03: I uh no, truly, last week I did a show in Montana and we spent Labor Day in Yellowstone National Park, and it was something like I'm sitting there watching, it's beautiful and watching Old Faithful go up.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_03: Look at this landmark.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_03: And I was just shoulder to shoulder with people like, let's go brand in t-shirts and like don't tread on me hats and everything.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_03: Just people that hate big government and either hate socialism even more, unironically enjoying a national park.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_03: And just they love America and nearly appreciate.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_03: But then a few days later, I was in Eau Claire, Wisconsin.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_03: This was Wednesday night.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_03: I was in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, a little crunchy, crunchy college town.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_03: And I was having brunch, and at the table next to me there were two ladies, and the one lady was saying, Well, when I do my sermons, I have to use the Bible on a case-by-case basis to determine which pronouns to use for God.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_03: And I had a minute where I wanted to lean over and say optimistically it'd be they-them because God's everywhere.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_03: But realistically, it's a no-nun because that shit's not real.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_03: Get your life together.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_03: Oh yeah.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_03: But I couldn't say that because my mouth was full of a vegan quesadilla.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_03: And I and that gave me just enough time to pause and be like, you know what?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_03: Me and this lady are both sitting here pretending something that isn't is.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_03: So maybe we all need to lighten the fuck up and start saying hi to people more often.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_03: Be cool, you know?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_03: No, my goal, my goal is not to be divisive.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_03: I think that's you know that's not helping anything right now.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_03: It's it's it's weird that I don't know.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_03: You know, you meet there's patriots, a lot of patriots out there, patriots, patriots.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_03: I love America, and they love they love America, and they love the military, they love the troops, but they also love the constitution.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_03: Piece the fuzz off me because it's fucking special, and I can't look like shit for this.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_03: You meet these people, they're Americans, we're Americans, and they're they're patriots, and they love the Constitution, and they love the military, and they're just weird because like they love the military, but you can't criticize the troops, but you love the constitution, and that's got the first amendment, which allows me to criticize the troops.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_03: So which do you love?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_03: You can't be one or the other, and just all I'm saying is I've been getting a lot of bar fights because I don't think you can't tell me you love the First Amendment and tell me I can't criticize the troops, because I'm gonna stand here as an American also and tell you I don't think Navy SEALs should be ticklish and there's always some guy with like a Grunt style t-shirt at the other end of the bar, like, why not?
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_03: It's endearing.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_03: No, it's a weakness, and it shouldn't be tolerated.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_03: These you tell me these are the best of the best, and all it's gonna take is a big feather to get them to spill the beans?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_03: That's un it's unacceptable.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_03: Unacceptable.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_03: Navy SEALs shouldn't be ticklish, and also you shouldn't qualify for the CIA if you've ever fallen for a surprise party.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_04: That's that should that should just be the test.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_04: That should be one of the tests.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, I thought we were just going to Nana's house.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, on your birthday.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_03: If everybody yells surprise, and you're like, I had no idea, then the surprise is you need to find a new career.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_03: I will I I will say this, politically speaking, I will say this.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_03: I think that the last eight years, eight years in this country has really ruined the whole The President's Been Kidnapped genre of action movie.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_03: I will say that it has deflated my enthusiasm.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_03: Man, that was a fun movie ten years ago.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_03: That was fun.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, you'd go to you'd go right to the cinema on Friday.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_03: The president's been kidnapped.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_03: Oh no, who's gonna save him?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_03: Channing Tatum?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_03: I hope his shirt doesn't come off.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_03: We were all we were excited for those.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_03: You can't make that movie now.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_03: That movie does not have the steam it once held.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_03: The president's been kidnapped.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_03: Well, yeah, I mean, it's not good out there.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_03: People aren't happy, man.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_03: Inflation's out of control.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_03: Well, what are the kidnappers asking for?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_03: Health care?
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I mean, I mean, don't get me wrong.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_03: I'll watch it, but I'm not rooting for who you want me to root for.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, they saved him?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, that's cool.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_03: Why my premium's still through the roof?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not I'm not going to the sequel, I'll tell you that.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_03: I'll just that's like I like I like all those action movies.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_03: I like the president's been kidnapped movies.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_03: I like all the action movies, they are my escape.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_03: The world's filled with drama and turmoil and heartbreak.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_03: I don't need to go to the movies for that.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_03: I can just look outside and be like, ah, it's bad.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_03: And so I go.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_03: I like action movies because of the escapism.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_03: The dumber, the better.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_03: That's how I that it plot holes, explosions that don't make sense.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_03: Give it to me.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_03: Why are you in space?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_03: Nobody asked.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_03: All right, fine.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_03: The only thing that can truly take me out of an action movie and really just destroy my suspension of disbelief is when the main action hero, when the star, like right, like like the main guy, right when he does all the action, right after his, like, when it's like when like when his penis um still like just works.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_03: Like whenever he wants it to, you know, like just I'm just the sexual prowess under pressure is the part okay, okay, okay.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_03: My fate, my favorite action movies of a current day and age that we're in are the fast and a furious movies.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_03: Those are my favorite ones.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_03: Arguably, oh, sure, sure.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_03: But even cheering, we know they're the dumbest ones out there.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_03: They're dumb, they know they're dumb, and we know they're dumb, and we're still like, give them to me.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_03: How dumb are the last one was called Fast X for Fast Ten.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_03: There's 12 of them.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_03: They're like, it's it's fast ten.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_03: Like, aren't there 12?
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_03: Like, shut up, dummy.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, yeah, okay, fine.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_03: It's fine.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_03: They're this the guys that die in one just show back up.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_03: They don't even say why.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_03: They're just like, hey! They're like, oh, I thought you like.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_03: And then they they are they're formulaic, they're elaborate, but they're truly formulaic.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_03: Like, right, I'm I'm I'm gonna describe one of the one of the fast and fury IT right now.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_03: And uh pretty sure that's how you pluralize it.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_03: So and uh and if if if you don't know the franchise, you will not know if I'm just making this up, just pulling it out of my ass.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_03: You will have no.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_03: And if you do know the franchise, you still will not be sure.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_03: Because they just blend into one long Camaro explosion.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_03: But say, let's we'll choose anyone from like the in the middle.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_03: Let's say like like like three to three to three to eight, let's say, anywhere in there.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_03: You never know what it's gonna be.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_03: They've already done their first heist, they've established themselves, they've got their millions, you know, this this rap scallion crew of Honda Civic jockeys.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_03: They've made a few bucks and now they're in different parts of the world, just enjoying their life.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_03: Ha, we really did it.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_03: Nothing can go wrong now.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_03: And that's when just just a representative from the US government comes in like, we need this crack team of DVD player thieves.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_03: When that was relevant, we uh we're the USA strongest military in the world.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_03: Never mind about the Navy SEALs, but we're the strongest military in the world.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_03: That's part of the training now.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_03: We let puppies lick their toes, and if they crack, they're out.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_03: We, Bud Burk.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_03: But right now, outside of the best strongest big dick military in the world, none of them know how to drive manual.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_03: So we really need you guys.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_03: We need you, bunch of corona-sippin' degenerates, to help us out.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_03: What it happened?
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_03: It's just a group of terror, international terrorists.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_03: It's international now.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_03: They can't be from a country because that's problematic.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_03: But it's still terrorism, but it's very diverse.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_03: Who are these terrorists?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know, that guy's Cuban.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_03: I think he's gay, whatever.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_03: They're fishes, they're all over the place.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_03: They're all over the place now.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_03: They've stolen the nuclear codes.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_02: It's always the codes.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_03: It's never the buzz, the codes.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_03: Apparently, somebody's just writing them down in a notebook and just leaving them in a backpack at Starbucks.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_03: They always get the codes.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_03: It's just somebody like, all right, I got my keys, I got my wallet, chapstick, oh, my gin sport full of nuclear codes.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_03: I can't believe I left it on the bus.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_03: So terrorists, terrorists have stolen nuclear codes, they've hidden them in a Lamborghini.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_03: That's where I'd hide something.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_03: They've hidden them in a Lamborghini, tastefully uh colored.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_03: No, it's orange, bright orange, bright orange Lamborghini.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_03: And they've they've stashed it on on top of the bad guy's skyscraper.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_03: That's where I'd put it.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_03: You can't put it in the garage, it'll get scratched.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_03: So there's a bright orange Lamborghini full of nuclear codes on top of a heavily protected skyscraper in a country that we will not name because this movie needs to make money everywhere.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_03: So, what did I tell you?
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_03: You know, you gotta feel.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_03: So, so that's uh that's on you guys now to help us.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_03: Because our military can't do it.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_03: And they're like, all right, assemble.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_03: All right, who, all right, who, well, let's for who do we have in our team that might have like a connection, a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy, who might have like just a special Lamborghini lifting helicopter.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_03: And then just out of the shadows comes former hip-hop star Ludacris.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, sure.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_03: Of course.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_03: Can you imagine it being someone else?
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_03: Other than Ludacris?
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_03: I am convinced Ludacris does not know he's in these movies.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_03: I think I think ludicrous, I think he shows up wearing the clothes he was gonna wear anyway.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_03: And they just convince him to say a few key phrases.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_03: What?
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_03: Lamborghini lived in a helicopter, got it, that's it.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_03: And then just they call him Ludacris half the time, I'm pretty sure.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know his character names like Dave or Lugnut, I don't know.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_03: They're like, all right, so Ludac, shit.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, should we cut?
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_03: Because I call him like, nope, we already blew the budget on special effects.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_03: Just keep going.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_03: But somehow they get ludicrous to say, yeah, I got a guy.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_03: And they're like, all right, cool.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_03: And so that's it.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_03: We're like, oh, we're like only 20 minutes in the movie, short and sweet.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_03: They they crack the case, you know.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_03: So special Lamborghini lifting helicopters coming over the horizon, you know, just approaching.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_03: And it's a unique looking helicopter, and bad guy skyscraper's over here, but it's a skyscraper, they got a vantage point with elevation.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_03: They're like, that looks like a particular kind of helicopter.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe one specifically designed for picking up Lamborghinis full of nuclear codes.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_03: And like, and then the bad guys are like, well, should we double check?
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_03: Like, where are the bad guys?
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_03: Then they just shoot it down.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_03: They just shoot it down right there.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_03: And you're 25 minutes into the movie, like, well, oh no, what are we gonna do?
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_03: That was the plan.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_03: And so now we gotta go back to the clubhouse uh where everybody's hanging out, and we're like, all right, well, that plan that was our one shot, so now we gotta go the real unorthodox, maybe something like with math and science and engineering.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_03: Do we have somebody in our group with a like that kind of brain, that analytical thinking that could like figure out some way with engineering to get the car out there?
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah, former model Tyrese, of course.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_03: Of course.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_03: When I think of engineering mastermind, I think of Tyrese.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_03: Tyrese, I believe, is reading the script just below the camera at all times.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, what's up?
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_03: You all need help getting a lambina?
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_03: That says Lambgina, man.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_03: That's how it's spelled.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, y'all need to get a Lamborghini off a building.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_03: And then they just cut to a whiteboard with a lot of shapes and numbers on it, and he just goes, There.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_03: You know, like that's they just some had some intern run in, just make geometric shapes and just put some math on there.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_03: And that's when Tyreene's like, well, if you drive it fast enough off the edge of the building and you you could just fly it away on account of a Lamborghini, has the doors that do this.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_03: It's got doors like this.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_03: Well, if you get enough speed, it could actually uh uh travel non-traditionally.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_03: That sounds like back to the future.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_03: Shut up, man.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_03: And so if you got enough speed, all right, so that's the plan.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_03: We'll fly the Lamborghini to where?
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, well, I I guess we could just like get a short-term lease on a good guy skyscraper across the street.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_03: We'll just roll in with some cash, talk to the landlord.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_03: According to Tyrese's calculations, we really only need floors eight through 13.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_03: We really only need those.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_03: Given the trajectory of his math, that's where the Lamborghini should crash into.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_03: So we get a short-term lease there, absolutely short-term lease.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_03: All right, but now we have to execute this plan.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_03: Who do we have amongst our crew?
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_03: That is brave enough, that is strong enough, that is bald and dumb enough.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_03: We all know who it is.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_03: My man Vincent Diesel.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_03: That's who's coming in there.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_03: Vincent Diesel, my man Dominic Toretto.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_03: I just go by Vincent these days.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_03: He hears him talking about he scoots out from underneath some hot rod that's blowing up in every movie.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_03: Every movie that car just fucking explodes at the end, and the next one starts with him like, huh.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_03: Apparently, all you need is like a 5-8 wrench to be like back in action.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_03: He scoots out with a totally clean tank top and just stands up like I'll do it.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_03: He's only got five lines.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_03: And he rolls in there.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_03: He gets the bad guy skyscraper.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_03: He just starts at the bottom, just just indiscriminately, just kills, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot him, shoots him, shoots him.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_03: This guy gets to one four, like, we're just a call center.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_03: What's happening?
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_03: No witnesses.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_03: Shoots him, shoots him, shoots him.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_03: Gets him to what?
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_03: We're just United Airlines customer service.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_03: What's going on?
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_03: Double tap, double tap, double tap.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_03: I gotta fly them tomorrow.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_03: He just kills everyone in the skyscraper and gets up to the roof where the Lamborghini full of nuclear codes, and he gets in, he just there's always a minute where he just like is horny for the car.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_03: You know.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_03: Why, why?
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_03: He fires it up, shoots it, backs up, shoots it towards the edge of the building, boom, it goes.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_03: He pops the doors.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_03: That's it.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_03: They're the wings.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_03: It's flying, of course it's flying.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_03: We've all agreed that this is real.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_03: I'm on my third bag of popcorn, just going, of course it works.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_03: Tyrese knows math.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_03: I'm absolutely with him on this, 100%.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_03: But then there's one, there's one terrorist he didn't get yet.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_03: There's one guy, and he's just barely hanging on, but he's dedicated to being a terrorist, and he's like, oh, he's pulls his AK-47 over by him, and he says something, something hack, because they didn't pay the writers well enough.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_03: So this guy's just like, not on my watch, or some shit.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_03: You know, like some something dumb, but he's got one bullet left and he fires it off, but it doesn't hit Vincent, and it doesn't hit like the undercarriage, it just hits the window in the door, which that's where the lift exists for the Lamborghini to fly.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_03: Oh no, this whole plan unravels.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_03: Now Lamborghini's spiraling, and Vincent's like, what are we gonna do?
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_03: And it's spiraling, it's not gonna go to the designated floors that they gotta rent on.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_03: It just smashes into the side, a good guy skyscraper.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_03: And Vincent thinks quick, he flips outside, he grabs a seatbelt.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_03: He's just holding dangling off the side of the building.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_03: He's holding on like an office chair that's hooked on an I-beam that's hanging out of a under construction office, and he's holding on the Lamborghini by the seatbelt, just like we gotta do this.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_03: And he's looking at his crucifixes just dangling, shining in the sunlight.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_03: And he looks at that, and that's what he's like, oh yeah, family, and he just you know, which is such that's what that's weird that that's what that reminds him of, you know, because the guy in that crucifix, his dad killed him.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_03: That's a weird thing to go with, but he's just that's where he gets his strength, family, and he just flings a Lamborghini over his head into the office up there, and he drags himself up, but he's just got glass coming out of his bald head and it's bleeding, he drags himself in there, and the rest of the crew they all rush up to make sure he's okay.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_03: And they're like, Oh my god, I can't believe that was so close.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_03: And the main, like the starlet, his wife, I don't even know.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_03: She shows up for the first five minutes of the movie and disappears.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_03: And then, but then she's there at the end, like she was part of this crew the whole time.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_03: And she's like, Oh, I can't believe I'm so glad you're saved.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_03: Don't you do that ever again?
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_03: But then she's like, But also, the way you saved the world is kind of.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_03: I just ooh, every time you just assert yourself this way, we should fuck.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_03: And and he just laying there bleeding, like, all right.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_03: And that's the part of the movie where I'm like, I okay, I gotta.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_03: I was with you the whole time.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_03: I was with you from ludicrous, just being called ludicrous, from Tyrese knowing science.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_03: I was on board with everything.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_03: Flying Lamborghini instantly, of course.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_03: But there's no way he's fucking racking up for this.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_03: And that not then.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_03: I just I just want one action movie where that's the moment where it really hits the realism, where it's just like everything happened, explosions, death, and blood.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_03: And I just want the main guy to just be like ah.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_03: What?
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_04: Are you fucking around?
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_04: Did you not see what I just did I get like 20 minutes?
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_04: Jesus.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_04: This is what warned you up?
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_04: What's up?
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_04: I just killed all those guys.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_04: And that, not to mention, I ran up the whole building.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_04: But those guys had families.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sad about that.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_03: You don't really and also I've been at my target heart rate all day with this plan.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_03: I am just now, I think this is rebar that went through a kidney.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_03: I'm my blood pressure's plummeting, but I mean, if you need it, we can give it a shot, but it won't be good.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_03: I hope you're into people watching, because we're gonna have to do it in the ambulance because I am I am fighting off the tunnel vision right now of a blackout, and I need fluids, not sexy fluids, vital fluids.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_03: I need fluids and monitoring, and I will be passing out throughout the whole thing.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_03: But if if you want to give it a shot with the EMTs looking over us, I can try and thumb it in for as long as I'm conscious.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, that's that's the best I can promise you is every 30 seconds I'm just gonna be slapping my dick against my hand like a TV remote with a dead battery.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_03: So, I mean, we can try, but I'd love six to eight weeks for a full recovery.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_03: Just about just to be honest with you there.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_03: So that's just give me an ounce of reality, fast and furious.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_03: I'm really just I'm just here to tell you one story.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_03: That's about it.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_03: I just tell you a story, unleash you on the night.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_03: Uh sorry.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_03: I uh I have uh I have moved back to the suburbs.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_03: That's what I've done.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_03: That's my big life change.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_03: No kids, no marriage.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_03: I just live back in the suburbs.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_03: That's that was my big whole thing.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_03: And I thought I was gonna do great.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_03: Uh this is weird, like I mean, suburbs not what you hear super cool guy talk about.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_03: Uh but no, I I thought, you know what my reasoning was, like, I'm from the suburbs, and it's like, okay, yeah, maybe it's just, you know, middle-aged, it's okay to it's okay to like cool down and stop trying to die every night.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_03: Um but that's I'm from a town called Addison, Illinois.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_03: That's where I'm from.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_03: It's outside of Chicago, it doesn't matter, it's the same suburb, whatever suburb you're thinking of, that's the one.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_03: They're not different.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_03: You know, they're not different.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_03: Mine has a 31 flavor.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_03: Nope, nope, they're all the same one.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_03: You know, they're all, it's it's everywhere.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_03: Is it a poorly marked exit across nine lanes of highway that you gotta just cut off, you know, semi-trucks, like, goddamn it.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_03: Get on some clover leaf that just plops you out right between a TGI Fridays and a chili's.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that's the one.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_03: There's always a family in the parking lot between those two restaurants, confused.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, every time.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_03: Every time.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_03: It's always just the dad.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_03: He's always just like, yeah, I know, but which one's got that prolapsed onion thing I like so much?
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_03: All of them, Daryl, only the sauce is different.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_02: So, yeah, that's the one.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_03: My parents still live there.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_03: My parents are still in the same house I grew up in.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_03: I guarantee you, they're in that house right now, at this very moment.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_03: Just both in separate rooms, three televisions, all playing HGTV at different volumes, just to fill in the void where conversation used to live.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_03: Just property brothers echoing like the national anthem in a baseball stadium.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_03: Have you thought about a French drain?
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_03: French drain.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_03: They're great.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_03: They're there, they're you know, they're just old and crazy, you know, parents are.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_03: I still still I still love them, I still talk to them, but it's, you know, it gets tough.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_03: My mom, ooh, how do we say this?
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_03: Uh verbose is not a long enough word to describe how my mother abuses the privilege of conversation.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_03: Does that is that too mean?
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_03: Is that let's put it this way the woman tells a story the same way a Rube Goldberg machine cracks an egg into a frying pan.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_03: Does that make more sense?
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_03: You're gonna get that omelet, but you're gonna take a lot of unnecessary twists and turns to get there.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_03: What's that?
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_03: An example?
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_03: You got it, Minneapolis.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_03: Um, I uh sometimes you gotta grease it.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_03: Uh I I called her up.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_03: Uh when I call her, I know that I've made the first mistake.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_03: So I just I clear my schedule, I get snacks and waters around me, and I'm like, all right, here we go.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_03: Time to hit the space station.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_03: You know, you just get your necessities around you and strap in.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_03: And I called her up, and uh I called up.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_03: I start optimistically, I'm gonna start with good energy.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_03: And I call her and I was like, okay.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, hey ma! That's how I started.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_03: Hey ma, good energy.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_03: And that's how I called.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_03: She answered the phone, heard me go, hey ma! And her response, she just goes, ugh.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_03: Right there, I was like, I don't know, I don't have enough snacks.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_03: We are not gonna make it around the moon on this one.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_03: She goes, as if she'd just been prepared for this.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_03: She goes, Ugh, Kyle.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_03: She goes, Do you know the game Words from Friends?
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_03: Now I know that game's called Words with Friends, but I don't want to correct her.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_03: That's gonna add time on the clock.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_03: That's what we're trying to avoid.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_03: All right?
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_03: Talk to my mom, it's improv rules.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, and you just gotta agree and push forward.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_03: It's the only way.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_03: Anything, anything said is the truth, and that's the reality now.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_03: Can you just accept and move forward?
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_03: Words from Fred, like, yeah, mom, it's like Scrabble.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_03: She goes, Kyle, it's like Scrabble.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_03: Then she spent the next 20 minutes describing the game of Scrabble to me.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_04: That's a game that we've played together.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_03: I blacked out.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_03: I came to, I don't know how much longer later, the house smelled delicious.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_03: I think I made it for Tata.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not sure.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_03: I came to when she was reaching what she knew was the logical conclusion of her introduction.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_03: This was this was the finish line for her all along.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_03: She goes, so anyway, Liz had to have three feet of her lower intestine removed.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_04: How she got there from fucking phone scrabble?
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_03: I have no idea.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_03: And I'll never know.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_03: If you have an idea, hit me up.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_03: You know what?
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_03: Give it to the kids.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_03: They're imaginative.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_03: If you're a teacher, even just a parent, just try.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, creative writing exercise today, kids.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_03: Take out a pen and paper.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_03: We're gonna try something different, all right?
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_03: We're gonna we're gonna start here, alright?
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_03: Words from friends.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_03: What?
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_03: Nope.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_03: I know it's wrong.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_03: Work it into the piece.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_03: We're starting here.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_03: Now we wanna land here at intestinal removal.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_03: That's where we're gonna end.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_03: And if you can get there in 5,000 words or less, bullets are prize.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_03: Probably.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_03: At least a full ride to a state school.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_03: I can't.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_03: I've had this shit up on the bulletin barge for weeks.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_03: This is like some goodwill hunting type shit.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_03: I have no idea.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_03: But good on her for having it make sense, you know.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_03: I think maybe that's I think that's why their relationship works is because like my dad is the complete opposite.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_03: My dad will say something meaningful once every three to five years.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_03: That's when he's like, you know what?
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_03: I will try that.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_03: That's about it.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_03: I stay over there when I'm back in town most of the times, and uh I woke up in the morning and I was making a cup of coffee for myself, and I put cream and sugar in that coffee, because that's how I thought I liked coffee.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_03: My dad just appeared next to me.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_03: Just fully dressed, tucked in.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_03: Like, what are you doing?
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_03: You own this house and you don't work.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_03: Calm down.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_03: He's just looking at what I had done to the coffee, and he's just looking at it for a while, and then just after a minute, he finally just looks at me, gestures to the coffee, and just says, Why don't you put a dress on it?
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_03: I've drank black coffee since that day.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_03: Do I like it?
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_03: Not at all.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_04: No, but daddy's love.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, that's not an ulcer, that's just Pat Canaan letting me know he thinks about me.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_03: We don't say I love you, we just bleed out into each other's stomachs.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_03: That's how you know.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_03: That's how you know.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_03: In spite of him saying that, he's not like a macho guy.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_03: I appreciate that.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_03: He's not like a like a macho dude.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_03: They're just both, they're they're Midwest, they're stuck in their ways.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_03: You know how it is.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_03: You got your male parents, older relatives, like this is how we do it.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but it's better this way.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, change is the devil.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_03: So we just we gotta do it this way.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_03: Like my dad still, my dad will still have a steak with a glass of milk.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_03: You're trying to put it back together inside of you?
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_03: What's some sort of culinary ship in a bottle you're trying to build down there?
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I got an idea.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_03: Let's get your old racing leathers on.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_03: You can cosplay the whole fucking thing.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_03: How about that?
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_03: One of the times I was back home and uh I was going out to eat.
• 34:29
  SPEAKER_03: Uh with some friends were going out to a vegetarian restaurant.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_03: I'm vegetarian.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_03: Technically, I'm pescatarian, but well, you don't really you don't have to say that unless you want to get rid of all your friends.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_03: It's really such an efficient way to cull the herd.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_03: We're all thinking about going out to eat.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_03: What does everybody want?
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_03: Well, just remember I'm a pescatar.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_03: Shut the fuck up, Kyle.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_03: Nobody asked or cares.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_03: We just figure you'd stay home and lick the yard for whatever nutrients you need.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_03: Why don't you go dunk your hand in a fish tank and suck on that for the rest of the night?
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_03: So I we're going out to this vegetarian restaurant, and I invited my dad to go, and he's not like he's not like macho about stuff.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_03: He'll he'll go to things and he's he goes, he's he was actually excited.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_03: He's like, oh that's great.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I've never had vegetarian food.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, yeah, you have.
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_03: It's been right next to that steak the whole time.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_03: I took him to this vegetarian restaurant, and uh he ordered a veggie burger.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_03: Safe bet for somebody that's unfamiliar with it.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_03: Because I can tell he's like, maybe it's meat, it won't be, but you know.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_03: I understand.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_03: And he said, order a veggie burger.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_03: I got that, I got to watch my father eat a veggie burger for the very first time.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_03: And I, you know, maybe without I don't have kids, so maybe this is what people talk about when you have kids.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_03: You get to watch them experience something new, and it it rekindles, like, oh, that's what like a new thing is like, and it's like exciting and endearing to watch.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_03: That's what I got.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_03: Watch my dad eat a veggie burger for the first time.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_03: And it was great to see him uh eat it because he did not like it.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_03: And that made it so much more entertaining to watch because I knew he was gonna finish it.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_03: Midwest, you finish your food, it's rude if you don't.
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_03: I don't care if you don't like it.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_03: You fit you clean plate, you clean your plate.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_03: So I watched that man just reluctantly fight through a veggie burger.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_03: He wasn't gonna speak up about it.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_03: He just fought.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_03: It was weird too, because he wouldn't use his teeth.
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know why.
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_03: He has teeth, they weren't like just on the table, but he wouldn't buy his head like teeth for flesh, this ain't flesh.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_03: So he just he was only using his lips and his tongue, which was a very odd choice.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_03: I the best way I could describe watching my dad eat a veggie burger is probably like watching a gay guy reluctantly go down on a woman.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_03: Just because that's the corner of the orgy he was stuck in when everything popped off.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_03: Because you because, you know, orgy's our vicinity base.
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_03: It's like musical chairs, you know, when the guy with the starter pistol says, Go, you just gotta get to what's next to you.
• 37:29
  SPEAKER_03: You know, orgy, they're always like in a house in a cul-de-sac, you know, and it's always it was always the husband's ideas, but they're nervous.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody's oiled up and nude, but the husbands are by the hors d'oeuvre table, second guessing their plan, you know, just trying to get half-massed, making more eye contact with their neighbors than they've ever made in their life.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_03: Like sports, sports, right?
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_03: Sports, actually.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, sports.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_03: What is that?
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_03: Hummus?
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_03: I saw yours, I'm sorry.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_03: I guess you could look at mine.
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_03: Shit, this is weird.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_03: Why'd we decide to do this?
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_03: And all the wives are on this side of the room, you know, with the one gay couple that moved to town, because that's who's gonna talk them through it, you know.
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_03: They're like, all right, ladies, listen, this can be a very enriching and rewarding experience.
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_03: It's nerve-wracking at first.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_03: Have a Zanny, have a champagne.
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_03: We're gonna get through this together.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_03: This could actually open up so many more possibilities for you and your partner.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_03: Now, if there are insecurities, those will come out and your relationships may suffer.
• 38:21
  SPEAKER_03: Diane, oof.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_03: But for the most part, this could just be an enriching can really be a growing experience for you and your partner.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_03: And that's when a guy with a referee jersey and a green NASCAR flag comes in, like, and you're off, and then because everybody's been separate, so the gay guys are just surrounded by oiled up naked women going, all right, shit, ladies, just just hold still.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_03: We gotta munch through these boxes to get to that dick.
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_03: So just hold still.
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_03: And that's how I watched my dad eat a veggie burger.
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_03: And so I think.
• 39:03
  SPEAKER_03: What's your main takeaway right now is I don't think Kyle's ever been in an orgy.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_03: No, I have not.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_03: I most certainly, I most certainly have not.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_03: But uh and it's weird that that's where I jumped to watching my dad just.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_03: How you doing there, buddy?
• 39:21
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, it's just a lot mushier than I thought it was gonna be.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, the videos aren't gonna get you ready.
• 39:31
  SPEAKER_03: What is that a bean?
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_03: If you're doing it right, yeah.
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_03: If you're doing it right.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_03: It's fine.
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_03: We're fine.
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody's fine.
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_03: But that's the vibe I thought I was moving back to in the suburbs.
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I I'm not like, I'm gonna move to the suburbs.
• 39:51
  SPEAKER_03: I thought, first off, I realized when I moved back to the suburbs, I came in with the wrong energy because I came in with city energy.
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_03: I was living in Los Angeles for uh just about 17 years.
• 40:01
  SPEAKER_03: And uh if you like city energy, uh as you may know, like you just get real used to things that you shouldn't be getting used to.
• 40:09
  SPEAKER_03: Like, you shouldn't be casual about some of the stuff that's happening, but you do because you're in a city and that volume just slowly gets turned up.
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_03: You know, there's this frog in the boiling water, and so you're just coming in, just real loose, saying shit like, man, that guy with the sword is out in front of 7-Eleven again.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_03: He's always saying something wild like, and I'll do it again.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_03: I don't doubt you will, my man.
• 40:36
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sorry, sir.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_03: I figured out.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_03: It takes him about nine seconds to go from the red box machine to the propane refill tags of if you time it out just right, you can get in and out while I'm seeing you.
• 40:51
  SPEAKER_03: Makes that slurpee taste that much sweeter, I'll tell you that.
• 40:55
  SPEAKER_03: That's a little sugary trophy for you for a living.
• 40:58
  SPEAKER_03: Watch out though, if he nicks you, you're gonna have to get a tetanus shot.
• 41:00
  SPEAKER_03: That's never any fun.
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_03: So that's the kind that's the energy I moved back with.
• 41:08
  SPEAKER_03: Like I just came in hot.
• 41:09
  SPEAKER_03: Because I knew, because we we moved there like end of September, uh, right?
• 41:15
  SPEAKER_03: That's when I got into town.
• 41:16
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, this is how this is how I'm winning over this neighborhood.
• 41:18
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna move in the suburbs, this is how I'm gonna win over the neighborhood.
• 41:21
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna be full-size candy bars guy on Halloween.
• 41:24
  SPEAKER_03: That's how I'm gonna be.
• 41:25
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody loves full-size candy bar guy as a kid, as a kid, you're like, that guy rules, don't egg his house, this guy rules.
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody loves full-size candy bar guy, and that's why that's how I was gonna start it, that first Halloween.
• 41:38
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna be full-size candy bar dude.
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_03: Here's the thing I did not realize, because I was coming in with hot city energy, is that in the suburbs, when you just show up in the beginning of a pandemic with out of state plates, and then just try to be full-size candy bar guy without having children of your own, it has the inverse effect.
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_03: Just sitting out on my porch under the one light that was working, so I didn't get around to fixing the rest of them, just waving king-sized Snickers, going, how can I tell if you're Spider-Man unless you come closer?
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_03: Just waving children in like I worked a ramp at the airport.
• 42:31
  SPEAKER_03: Hulk wouldn't be scared.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_03: So that didn't help with with ingratiating myself into the suburbs.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that that that one that was like that was like strike one, really, uh, for moving out there.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_03: And it was also, it was all it really was, it was like a lot of new families that were out there too, and we just moved in.
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_03: Like I said, out of state plate, no kids, and people just eyeballing, like, how dare you be here without children?
• 43:03
  SPEAKER_03: Where are your children?
• 43:04
  SPEAKER_03: Where are they?
• 43:04
  SPEAKER_03: Why don't you have them?
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_03: What's wrong?
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_03: Is it you?
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_03: Is it her womb?
• 43:07
  SPEAKER_03: Like, Jesus Christ, I just spend my time trying to learn Z Z Top songs on guitar.
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_03: Fuck off.
• 43:16
  SPEAKER_03: You got legs, you know how to use them.
• 43:18
  SPEAKER_03: Fuck off.
• 43:20
  SPEAKER_03: Do not, do not reward mediocre comedy.
• 43:23
  SPEAKER_03: Do not.
• 43:26
  SPEAKER_03: There was, they were just mad doggers because there's so many just new moms out there like baby stroller sturgis, just pushing them down the street.
• 43:37
  SPEAKER_03: And so, yeah, that that didn't help.
• 43:40
  SPEAKER_03: None of it helped.
• 43:41
  SPEAKER_03: None of what we did helped.
• 43:43
  SPEAKER_03: And the reason we moved there, we moved up, we moved to a suburb of uh Portland, Oregon.
• 43:47
  SPEAKER_03: That's where we moved to.
• 43:47
  SPEAKER_03: But the reason was it was uh there was a house that opened up.
• 43:49
  SPEAKER_03: It was in my girlfriend's family.
• 43:51
  SPEAKER_03: This house had opened up, and uh they asked us at the beginning of the pandemic, things are crazy.
• 43:57
  SPEAKER_03: Do you want to move up here and pay one third of what your pain?
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_03: Rent for a whole house with a lawn, like yeah, yeah.
• 44:05
  SPEAKER_03: And it was weird, not just with the neighbor, just also just internally.
• 44:09
  SPEAKER_03: Because I knew that this house is in my girlfriend's family, and we moved it up and we're excited.
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_03: Main bedroom, we're gonna have a main bedroom, and we're gonna each get our own little bedroom to be an office.
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_03: We're gonna get our own office, that's great.
• 44:19
  SPEAKER_03: But right when we got up there, my girlfriend started corralling me towards one particular room of the house to be my office.
• 44:25
  SPEAKER_03: She's like, What about this room, Kyle?
• 44:27
  SPEAKER_03: Don't you like this room to be your office?
• 44:28
  SPEAKER_03: This would be a good this is a good office for you.
• 44:30
  SPEAKER_03: This is you would look you, I think you would get worked out.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_03: You look cute in here, I'll tell you right now.
• 44:34
  SPEAKER_03: You look you look cute in this room.
• 44:35
  SPEAKER_03: And I was buying them like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 44:37
  SPEAKER_03: You know what?
• 44:38
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I feel cute in here.
• 44:39
  SPEAKER_03: I feel cute in this room.
• 44:40
  SPEAKER_03: And this would, I think this would be a good office.
• 44:43
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, ooh, wait a minute.
• 44:46
  SPEAKER_03: Is this the room that your mom died in?
• 44:49
  SPEAKER_03: And it was.
• 44:50
  SPEAKER_03: So that's I understand.
• 44:55
  SPEAKER_03: I just I wish she was just honest about that from the first part.
• 44:58
  SPEAKER_03: We've been together for a long time.
• 44:59
  SPEAKER_03: I would have understood if she's like, hey, I don't want to hang out in this room.
• 45:02
  SPEAKER_03: My mom passed away in here.
• 45:03
  SPEAKER_03: Like, that makes total sense.
• 45:04
  SPEAKER_03: I did wish she didn't have to resort to this trickery.
• 45:08
  SPEAKER_03: But now that's my room, that's my office.
• 45:11
  SPEAKER_03: That's where I do my work.
• 45:16
  SPEAKER_03: Let's just get to the point.
• 45:17
  SPEAKER_03: All right, masturbating in your mid-40s already has a level of shame to it.
• 45:21
  SPEAKER_03: Just add a tax right away.
• 45:24
  SPEAKER_03: Just why am I doing this?
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_03: If I see a reflection of myself, I'll call the cops on me.
• 45:29
  SPEAKER_03: I am not happy about it.
• 45:32
  SPEAKER_03: Now, take that and add apologizing to the ghost of your mother-in-law after each and every time.
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_03: And let me know what that does to your upstairs.
• 45:41
  SPEAKER_03: Let me know how you recover from that.
• 45:43
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, global pandemic, world might be ending.
• 45:45
  SPEAKER_03: Well, how about a momentary serotonin rush?
• 45:48
  SPEAKER_03: Here we go.
• 45:48
  SPEAKER_03: Get it dit-dit-dit.
• 45:50
  SPEAKER_03: That should be fine.
• 45:50
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
• 45:53
  SPEAKER_04: I am this must seem very disrespectful.
• 46:03
  SPEAKER_03: So that was rough for me.
• 46:06
  SPEAKER_03: On a personal level.
• 46:10
  SPEAKER_03: So, yeah, a lot of things were going straight up.
• 46:13
  SPEAKER_03: We wound up, we got uh we got a cat.
• 46:17
  SPEAKER_03: We didn't get a cat, house came with a cat.
• 46:19
  SPEAKER_03: House just we were just there, there's a cat.
• 46:21
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, was out.
• 46:22
  SPEAKER_03: We weren't even sure the cat was real at first because it was fucked up.
• 46:26
  SPEAKER_03: Look at it.
• 46:26
  SPEAKER_03: It looked it was some real pet cemetery action.
• 46:32
  SPEAKER_03: Covered scrub brush and just missing some ear, had like David Bowie eyes, you know.
• 46:39
  SPEAKER_03: What are you looking at?
• 46:40
  SPEAKER_03: Everything?
• 46:40
  SPEAKER_03: Nothing?
• 46:41
  SPEAKER_03: What's going on with you?
• 46:44
  SPEAKER_03: Always just appear from around structures at first.
• 46:54
  SPEAKER_03: It took us about six weeks before we admitted to each other that we saw a cat.
• 47:01
  SPEAKER_03: She said at first, like, you see a cat out in here?
• 47:03
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, You see it too?
• 47:04
  SPEAKER_03: Alright, thank God.
• 47:06
  SPEAKER_03: I was getting nervous.
• 47:07
  SPEAKER_03: I thought we had hobgoblins.
• 47:08
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 47:09
  SPEAKER_03: I'm new to the Pacific Northwest.
• 47:11
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know what's going out there.
• 47:12
  SPEAKER_03: Everything's everything's just fog and ferns.
• 47:15
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know what's crambling around underneath there.
• 47:19
  SPEAKER_03: So the cat seemed like it was like friendly.
• 47:21
  SPEAKER_03: It wasn't like friendly friendly, but it was like hanging around us enough.
• 47:24
  SPEAKER_03: And so we're like, well, maybe it belongs to somebody, so we should find out before we start messing with it or feeding it.
• 47:30
  SPEAKER_03: So until we took some pictures of it and we went uh door to door to see if it belonged to anybody.
• 47:35
  SPEAKER_03: Also, probably a short-sighted idea on our part.
• 47:41
  SPEAKER_03: Pandemic, global social distance.
• 47:43
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, here's the new childless out of state people going door to door, like, is this your cat?
• 47:47
  SPEAKER_03: People are like, get the fuck away from my family.
• 47:56
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you're right.
• 47:56
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 47:58
  SPEAKER_03: The old guy, one old guy next door answered the door, but the chain's still on the door.
• 48:03
  SPEAKER_03: He was just like, Oh, that cat?
• 48:05
  SPEAKER_03: That's nobody's cat now.
• 48:09
  SPEAKER_03: That cat there, that cat belonged to the earth.
• 48:13
  SPEAKER_03: That cat comes up from the soil when the sun goes down.
• 48:17
  SPEAKER_03: And just roams amongst the mist, just eating dreams and shitting out nightmares.
• 48:21
  SPEAKER_03: That's what that can't.
• 48:22
  SPEAKER_03: Man, just say it's not your cat, old man, alright?
• 48:26
  SPEAKER_03: I don't have time for a folklore.
• 48:28
  SPEAKER_03: I got other neighbors to harass.
• 48:37
  SPEAKER_03: And we found out from another neighbor that that cat had actually been like a neighborhood stray cat for about 16 years.
• 48:44
  SPEAKER_03: That's the how far back they can remember.
• 48:45
  SPEAKER_03: This is a stray cat that for 16 years has just been living on the streets of this neighborhood, working off of the goodwill of the place.
• 48:51
  SPEAKER_03: So we're like, this is our cat.
• 48:52
  SPEAKER_03: Fuck it.
• 48:53
  SPEAKER_03: We are taking this cat in.
• 48:54
  SPEAKER_03: So we got the cat to come inside.
• 48:56
  SPEAKER_03: This is our cat.
• 48:57
  SPEAKER_03: We named it as much as you can name a cat, let alone one that's been doing its own thing for 16 years.
• 49:03
  SPEAKER_03: It's mostly just for reference between us, you know.
• 49:06
  SPEAKER_03: So at first we were calling it, uh, first we were calling it Helen.
• 49:09
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, we thought it was blind and deaf.
• 49:11
  SPEAKER_03: So we were calling Helen.
• 49:15
  SPEAKER_03: You know what?
• 49:16
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't name it that.
• 49:17
  SPEAKER_03: My girlfriend named it that.
• 49:18
  SPEAKER_03: So you're not mad at me.
• 49:19
  SPEAKER_03: You're mad at her.
• 49:21
  SPEAKER_03: And yeah, I will throw it into the bus, making me beat off at her dead mom's room?
• 49:24
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 49:28
  SPEAKER_03: All's fair, babe.
• 49:32
  SPEAKER_03: She's calling it hell, but I was calling it dirt nap.
• 49:35
  SPEAKER_03: That's what I was calling a cat.
• 49:37
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna count that sleep all the time and was filthy, but also it looked deceased more often than not.
• 49:42
  SPEAKER_03: It looked, that cat looked like it had perished many times.
• 49:45
  SPEAKER_03: Like, oh, cat sleep weird, but like draped over a curb under a car tire, just with its eyes open, looking at nothing.
• 49:53
  SPEAKER_03: I walked up to it with a shovel more than once.
• 49:58
  SPEAKER_03: It's like, well, this is a sad day, and it'll just run off.
• 50:01
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, huh, look at you.
• 50:06
  SPEAKER_03: Look at you, you little crisis actor.
• 50:08
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, you got an agenda, and I don't know what it is, and that that's what I like about you.
• 50:15
  SPEAKER_03: You're mysterious.
• 50:17
  SPEAKER_02: Little cross-eyed ghoul.
• 50:23
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, dirt nap, little dirty, little D.
• 50:26
  SPEAKER_03: We'll be calling her little D for the rest of the story.
• 50:28
  SPEAKER_03: Also, be referring to her as she and a her.
• 50:30
  SPEAKER_03: We thought it was a female cat.
• 50:31
  SPEAKER_03: Turned out it was a neutered male, but we didn't find that out until later.
• 50:34
  SPEAKER_03: So Jenny Nooch for gender neutral is the name for some of the time.
• 50:39
  SPEAKER_03: And then for special occasions, we call her Miss America.
• 50:44
  SPEAKER_03: And by special occasions, just when you could say something truthful that may like me, it's more funny when you could be like, man, Miss America shit on the couch again.
• 50:55
  SPEAKER_03: And if you can time that out right for when like a new mom is walking by an open window, they're already against us, so maybe as well just feed them.
• 51:06
  SPEAKER_03: What are they doing to that future beauty queen in there?
• 51:12
  SPEAKER_03: We got this cat and we brought it in.
• 51:15
  SPEAKER_03: We're like, we're gonna give this thing the best sunset years we can give it.
• 51:20
  SPEAKER_03: First, we took it to the vet to make sure it's all dialed in.
• 51:22
  SPEAKER_03: We took it to the vet, and the vet right away, the vet was just like, oh it's got a thyroid issue.
• 51:28
  SPEAKER_03: Thyroid, it's got a thyroid thyroid, and it's gotta be on a special diet, very special.
• 51:33
  SPEAKER_03: It's uh prescription diet.
• 51:35
  SPEAKER_03: There's prescription cat food out there.
• 51:37
  SPEAKER_03: Why?
• 51:39
  SPEAKER_03: Who's trying to get the cat food that's not ooh okay, man, man, hook me up.
• 51:43
  SPEAKER_03: Hook me up with that Hill's prescription, man.
• 51:48
  SPEAKER_03: Like five cats in a trench coat rolling in, like, hello, we're here to pick up for Mr.
• 51:54
  SPEAKER_03: Meowser's.
• 52:00
  SPEAKER_03: Trying to make that cat mess, dog.
• 52:01
  SPEAKER_03: Come on, man, come on.
• 52:05
  SPEAKER_03: It's a prescription, and you can only get it from me.
• 52:08
  SPEAKER_03: It's$70 a bag.
• 52:09
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, all right, you know what, man?
• 52:11
  SPEAKER_03: Whoo, I know it was a middle pandemic, and I was all about the doctors and the scientists, but the veterinarians, mmm, I just think some of them, they know they got that giant gray area of your lack of knowledge that they can abuse about the animal camera.
• 52:27
  SPEAKER_03: Like you go, if you go to a doctor and you're like, my ankle hurts, and they're like, could be an ear infection, you're like, Well, you're bad at your job.
• 52:33
  SPEAKER_03: But but you go to veterinarian with this this animal that you love but can't communicate with, and you're like, oh, what's wrong with my best friend?
• 52:42
  SPEAKER_03: I'm a little guy here.
• 52:44
  SPEAKER_03: They can just say anything, like, it's the alternator, and you're just like, yeah, I guess.
• 52:51
  SPEAKER_03: You know what?
• 52:51
  SPEAKER_03: That makes sense because his eyes were dimming in the morning.
• 52:54
  SPEAKER_03: His eyes were dimming.
• 52:56
  SPEAKER_03: That's a 2003 calico with a lot of miles.
• 52:59
  SPEAKER_03: Those are city miles.
• 53:01
  SPEAKER_03: I I thought the timing belt was gonna go first, but okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 53:05
  SPEAKER_03: That makes sense.
• 53:05
  SPEAKER_03: What are we running on those, huh?
• 53:07
  SPEAKER_03: 1,500.
• 53:08
  SPEAKER_03: No, shh, okay.
• 53:10
  SPEAKER_03: That's with labor?
• 53:12
  SPEAKER_03: All right, yeah.
• 53:12
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, listen, hey, real quick on the side.
• 53:14
  SPEAKER_03: Say we do this in cash.
• 53:15
  SPEAKER_03: You got like a similar model out back that like you can part out or ethical reasons.
• 53:21
  SPEAKER_03: Sure, no, say no more, say no more.
• 53:24
  SPEAKER_03: No, nobody's Frankenstein here.
• 53:25
  SPEAKER_03: Nobody's Frankenstein.
• 53:30
  SPEAKER_03: So you just gotta believe him, you know.
• 53:33
  SPEAKER_03: So I come home with a$70 bag of bullshit one day.
• 53:39
  SPEAKER_03: I open the door, I can see out to the patio.
• 53:41
  SPEAKER_03: Lil D's outside, she's playing with a bird, playing bird's dead, bird's dead.
• 53:47
  SPEAKER_03: She's just slapping it against the house.
• 53:50
  SPEAKER_03: That's playing's also a real generous term to describe.
• 53:56
  SPEAKER_03: She is playing the same way like inmates play handball.
• 53:58
  SPEAKER_03: It's not for fun, you know?
• 54:00
  SPEAKER_03: It's that's just maintenance in case shit goes down.
• 54:02
  SPEAKER_03: That's all.
• 54:03
  SPEAKER_03: The only thing missing from Little D at that point was like a cigarette behind her good ear and a teardrop tattoo.
• 54:08
  SPEAKER_03: Just bitching about not making parole.
• 54:10
  SPEAKER_03: Like, they got me doing the full 12, man.
• 54:13
  SPEAKER_03: Ooh, if I get out of here and see that, Judge, you're gonna see me right back in here.
• 54:19
  SPEAKER_03: And I can tell it was a fresh, it was a fresh kill because she's about six feet out and getting a good return on her.
• 54:31
  SPEAKER_03: So I come in with this food, just shaking it like little D!
• 54:35
  SPEAKER_04: I'm gonna save your life! Look at this!
• 54:38
  SPEAKER_03: And she looks up because she can hear.
• 54:40
  SPEAKER_03: It's selective, but she can hear.
• 54:43
  SPEAKER_03: She looks up and she knows it's food, and she can look at she looks at the food, and then she looks at me and just puts it together.
• 54:49
  SPEAKER_03: She's like, she's like, oh, you're gonna want me to eat that.
• 54:53
  SPEAKER_03: Watch this.
• 54:54
  SPEAKER_03: And then she just ate the bird.
• 54:56
  SPEAKER_03: Just like at me, like maintained eye contact, but ate the bird.
• 55:03
  SPEAKER_03: And I know cats eat birds, but I was not ready.
• 55:09
  SPEAKER_03: Like I assumed it was gonna be messy, but with strategy.
• 55:13
  SPEAKER_03: That's what I thought.
• 55:14
  SPEAKER_03: Like, it's a whole bird.
• 55:15
  SPEAKER_03: I thought it was gonna be like brutal, but you know, with technique, getting to the soft part.
• 55:19
  SPEAKER_03: Like the same way, like we've all had that night where we get bong rip stone, just get a rotisserie chicken just for yourself.
• 55:27
  SPEAKER_03: Those nights you get home, like, close the blinds, I'm going elbows deep on this bitch.
• 55:31
  SPEAKER_03: Like those days.
• 55:34
  SPEAKER_03: That's what I thought I would have seen.
• 55:36
  SPEAKER_03: What I saw and was not prepared for was the full-on David Blaine Street Magic disappearing act that she did on this bird, just entire thing disappeared.
• 55:50
  SPEAKER_03: One forrest gumpfeather just floating down for effect, still looking at me like, hmm.
• 55:59
  SPEAKER_03: What did you what?
• 56:01
  SPEAKER_03: Where did it go?
• 56:02
  SPEAKER_04: Is it in my pocket?
• 56:03
  SPEAKER_04: Oh my god.
• 56:06
  SPEAKER_03: Is it just gonna be alive over here?
• 56:08
  SPEAKER_03: That is what you did is something.
• 56:11
  SPEAKER_03: I gotta call this vet back.
• 56:13
  SPEAKER_03: And I rag him up right then and there, like, yeah, hey doc.
• 56:18
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know if you got a plan B for this whole thyroid thing, but Lil D been out in these streets just consuming her own enemies for the better part of a decade and a half.
• 56:27
  SPEAKER_03: So if you got some alternatives, I'm all ears right now.
• 56:31
  SPEAKER_03: And that's when the vet on the phone, he's like, Oh, Joel, chicken baby food's totally acceptable for a thyroid issue, too.
• 56:36
  SPEAKER_03: You can feed her chicken baby food.
• 56:38
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, chicken baby food.
• 56:39
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, the shit that's 50 cents a jar?
• 56:41
  SPEAKER_03: You could have led with that, you fucking quack.
• 56:44
  SPEAKER_03: So that's my life now when I'm not on the road.
• 56:48
  SPEAKER_03: I'm just buying racks of chicken baby food.
• 56:50
  SPEAKER_03: I'm just buying full, just cases of chicken baby food, and every morning that I'm at home, I gotta wake up and I gotta heat up a little jar of chicken baby food.
• 56:59
  SPEAKER_03: Because now that we're an indoor cat, we got particular about temperature.
• 57:02
  SPEAKER_03: So I gotta heat up this little jar of chicken baby food and I throw up through my nose a little bit, just when we feed this to our human babies, you women are savages! I do that, and then I go and then I clean out the litter pan, because these are the things you have to do when you let vermin live in your house.
• 57:26
  SPEAKER_03: I go and I just and to get through the litter pan part, I just squat over it and pretend that I'm just an optimistic prospector, and this is my lucky day.
• 57:34
  SPEAKER_03: Because it's the only way to get through sifting through that, is to sit there and be like, oh, I got a good feeling.
• 57:40
  SPEAKER_03: That's a big one.
• 57:42
  SPEAKER_03: That one's pure gold.
• 57:43
  SPEAKER_03: Me and Ma don't have to live on the phone.
• 57:45
  SPEAKER_03: That's a poop.
• 57:46
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, all right.
• 57:47
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, look at this one coming downstream.
• 57:49
  SPEAKER_03: Oh boy, I take that to the bank.
• 57:51
  SPEAKER_03: I'll buy the bank with that.
• 57:52
  SPEAKER_03: That's just a piss fritter.
• 57:54
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 57:56
  SPEAKER_03: Third time's a charm.
• 57:57
  SPEAKER_03: I'll take silver at this point.
• 57:59
  SPEAKER_03: Anything to get me out of the dusty old web, that's a poop, too.
• 58:02
  SPEAKER_04: I think this crick done run dry.
• 58:04
  SPEAKER_03: That's that's just a fun thing to do for me.
• 58:08
  SPEAKER_03: Because you gotta be creative with your chores.
• 58:16
  SPEAKER_03: Now, here's how this also bumped up against the neighbors is that uh where I live in Oregon, they take their recycling very seriously.
• 58:26
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm happy about that.
• 58:27
  SPEAKER_03: I'm mostly a hippie at this point.
• 58:29
  SPEAKER_03: I like to see a recycling program that it actually at least looks like the stuff is gonna go to where they tell me it's gonna go.
• 58:36
  SPEAKER_03: If it's a lie, it's a very elaborate one, and I play along for it.
• 58:39
  SPEAKER_03: This goes here, and then this one here, and this one and the little one.
• 58:42
  SPEAKER_03: Sure, fine.
• 58:43
  SPEAKER_03: I will go along with it.
• 58:44
  SPEAKER_03: So when I lived in LA, we didn't even have recycling.
• 58:46
  SPEAKER_03: We were up in arms.
• 58:47
  SPEAKER_03: I lived in Hollywood.
• 58:48
  SPEAKER_03: We're like, how can we not have recycling?
• 58:50
  SPEAKER_03: We're Hollywood.
• 58:51
  SPEAKER_03: People look up the show business for role models, and how dare we?
• 58:55
  SPEAKER_03: And just people passive aggressively bitched about it because it's performative, and then the city's finally like, all right, here's a recycling bin.
• 59:01
  SPEAKER_03: And we're like, now that's great.
• 59:03
  SPEAKER_03: We're doing the right thing now.
• 59:04
  SPEAKER_03: Can I put styrofoam in here?
• 59:05
  SPEAKER_03: And they're like, you could put a fucking baby in there.
• 59:09
  SPEAKER_03: It's not going anywhere you think it's gonna go.
• 59:13
  SPEAKER_03: Why don't you just make believe where you want it to go?
• 59:15
  SPEAKER_03: Just lie to yourself.
• 59:17
  SPEAKER_03: That's what you're doing here anyway.
• 59:18
  SPEAKER_03: Just make pretend.
• 59:19
  SPEAKER_03: This one's for trash, and this one makes porridge for orphanages.
• 59:23
  SPEAKER_03: Just bullshit yourself.
• 59:28
  SPEAKER_03: But now in Oregon, God forbid, I get an envelope that's paper on the outside and bubble wrap on the inside.
• 59:34
  SPEAKER_03: I gotta wait for the garbage man to see me from down the block, and I gotta do some elaborate three-card Monty Mime shit.
• 59:41
  SPEAKER_03: Be like, you'll never know if it's in the right one.
• 59:43
  SPEAKER_03: And then I gotta run into the woods for the rest of the day.
• 59:49
  SPEAKER_03: My glass, glass items get their own little bright red tub.
• 59:53
  SPEAKER_03: That's where glass goes for recycling.
• 59:55
  SPEAKER_03: Bright red tub, no lid, open for judgment at the end of the driveway.
• 1:00:01
  SPEAKER_03: My bright red tub of glass only has two types of glass in it every week.
• 1:00:06
  SPEAKER_03: It is overflowing with only two types of glass.
• 1:00:09
  SPEAKER_03: That would be baby food jars and liquor bottles.
• 1:00:12
  SPEAKER_03: That is the only two types of glass for three years.
• 1:00:16
  SPEAKER_03: That's the only glass that's been out there.
• 1:00:17
  SPEAKER_03: For three years, nobody has seen a child anywhere near my house.
• 1:00:23
  SPEAKER_03: For three years, these women went, they've been newborns to toddlers, they're talking, they're walking, they've walked by and just looked at that and just been like, what are they doing in there?
• 1:00:37
  SPEAKER_03: It is a matter of days right now before family services rolls through for a welfare check.
• 1:00:43
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm gonna be the one that's home during the day, just answering the door, just shirtless, drunk on account of the booze.
• 1:00:51
  SPEAKER_03: Mr.
• 1:00:51
  SPEAKER_03: Kaday, we just need to see the baby.
• 1:00:53
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, what baby?
• 1:00:56
  SPEAKER_03: Ain't no baby in here.
• 1:00:57
  SPEAKER_03: I'm just me, shirtless learning these easy top songs.
• 1:01:00
  SPEAKER_03: That's all it is.
• 1:01:01
  SPEAKER_03: Like a baby, only thing in here is a sharp-dressed man.
• 1:01:03
  SPEAKER_03: Hold on a second.
• 1:01:04
  SPEAKER_03: Let me tune up.
• 1:01:04
  SPEAKER_03: Let me tune up.
• 1:01:05
  SPEAKER_03: What did I tell you about rewarding mediocre comedy?
• 1:01:10
  SPEAKER_03: That was a test you failed.
• 1:01:15
  SPEAKER_03: No baby.
• 1:01:16
  SPEAKER_03: Look around for a baby.
• 1:01:16
  SPEAKER_03: If I had a baby, there'd be a baby crib, there'd be baby clothes.
• 1:01:19
  SPEAKER_03: If I there'd be baby toys out in the yard, come out in the yard.
• 1:01:21
  SPEAKER_03: Look, you see any baby toys in the yard?
• 1:01:23
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know, baby toys in this yard, you don't have no baby.
• 1:01:25
  SPEAKER_03: The only thing you're finding in this yard, maybe is like like a bunch of little bones.
• 1:01:28
  SPEAKER_03: And they're like, what?
• 1:01:29
  SPEAKER_03: They're like, well, no.
• 1:01:32
  SPEAKER_03: I got this cat, right?
• 1:01:33
  SPEAKER_03: And it eats birds, but a whole, like all at once.
• 1:01:36
  SPEAKER_03: It eats a whole bird.
• 1:01:37
  SPEAKER_03: And I know it could eat the birds, but where do the bones go?
• 1:01:39
  SPEAKER_03: Because it's eat it eats the bones.
• 1:01:41
  SPEAKER_03: What happens to the bones?
• 1:01:43
  SPEAKER_03: It's eating bones.
• 1:01:45
  SPEAKER_03: And you're scientists, and like, we're not.
• 1:01:46
  SPEAKER_03: We just have clipboards, like, same thing.
• 1:01:53
  SPEAKER_03: Like, sir, we don't see a cat anywhere on this property.
• 1:01:56
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, I knew that thing was a demon.
• 1:01:58
  SPEAKER_03: God damn it.
• 1:02:00
  SPEAKER_03: This is all making a lot of sense.
• 1:02:01
  SPEAKER_03: Because we had to invite it in.
• 1:02:03
  SPEAKER_03: It just stood out by the patio door.
• 1:02:05
  SPEAKER_03: Would you like to come in?
• 1:02:06
  SPEAKER_03: And then it did, and that's when the curse had befallen us.
• 1:02:09
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, this is all.
• 1:02:10
  SPEAKER_03: Ooh.
• 1:02:13
  SPEAKER_03: Ooh, a little dirty.
• 1:02:14
  SPEAKER_03: You're living up to your name.
• 1:02:20
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:02:22
  SPEAKER_03: So throughout all this riff-raff, I started to go to therapy.
• 1:02:28
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, comedian who goes to therapy! What an original premise! Canaan, leaving no stone unturned.
• 1:02:39
  SPEAKER_03: No, I started going to therapy on account of everything I just told you.
• 1:02:43
  SPEAKER_03: And uh well, so one of the things too is I moved up there, I forgot I had seasonal depression.
• 1:02:50
  SPEAKER_03: Uh I forgot about that part because I was living in LA.
• 1:02:53
  SPEAKER_03: There's no seasons, it's just summer and then cute hats for a little while.
• 1:02:59
  SPEAKER_03: I got to Oregon and that first fall came in, like, remember me, hide the knives! I'm like, oh, you sucker.
• 1:03:08
  SPEAKER_03: Oh.
• 1:03:09
  SPEAKER_03: My gloomy old friend is back.
• 1:03:12
  SPEAKER_03: And even talking about seasonal depression is just it's stupid.
• 1:03:16
  SPEAKER_03: Like, it sounds like you get it at a farmer's market.
• 1:03:18
  SPEAKER_03: Like, nobody takes it seriously.
• 1:03:20
  SPEAKER_03: Is the depression in season?
• 1:03:23
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, it's right down here by the winter squash.
• 1:03:25
  SPEAKER_03: Isn't that like?
• 1:03:27
  SPEAKER_03: Which is a better name for it.
• 1:03:36
  SPEAKER_03: It's also like nobody like people that don't think depression's real in the first place think you made up like a subcategory just to seem more complicated than the people that are already a pain in the ass.
• 1:03:46
  SPEAKER_03: Like, oh, look who's a special kind of pussy, his snowflake, his fingerprints.
• 1:03:50
  SPEAKER_03: Like, you don't get the time of day out of those people, you never will.
• 1:03:54
  SPEAKER_03: But then the people that have actual clinical depression don't really take you seriously because they think you're some sort of like fair weather sad sack that's piggybacking on their actual medical issue.
• 1:04:04
  SPEAKER_03: So it's this whole kind of like, look who's only got depression when it's in the playoffs kind of attitude from that crowd.
• 1:04:12
  SPEAKER_03: Take off the jersey, you're not really sad.
• 1:04:19
  SPEAKER_03: So I started going.
• 1:04:23
  SPEAKER_03: And uh I you know, I I've had my issues, I've talked about it in the past, and I have like an awkward relationship with therapy.
• 1:04:29
  SPEAKER_03: And I don't know if it's like just like a guy thing, and or maybe it's like a Midwest thing, like I was saying, like, oh, this is just the way you do things.
• 1:04:36
  SPEAKER_03: I just was raised with like, no, that's you are who you are, and that's it.
• 1:04:42
  SPEAKER_03: Not good?
• 1:04:43
  SPEAKER_03: Bummer.
• 1:04:47
  SPEAKER_03: It's the hand you're dealt, so you're a dickhead.
• 1:04:50
  SPEAKER_03: Turns out.
• 1:04:51
  SPEAKER_03: What are you doing?
• 1:04:52
  SPEAKER_03: Well, if you go change, you go get better, then you're not a dickhead anymore.
• 1:04:56
  SPEAKER_03: Now we don't know you, and now it's on us to relearn you?
• 1:04:58
  SPEAKER_03: That's selfish.
• 1:05:01
  SPEAKER_03: That's why we wrote don't change in the yearbook.
• 1:05:03
  SPEAKER_03: We thought you were an asshole, and we want you to be an asshole 20 years from now.
• 1:05:07
  SPEAKER_03: That's easier for us.
• 1:05:11
  SPEAKER_03: You don't know, yeah, you have personality traits nobody likes, but that's what makes you you.
• 1:05:15
  SPEAKER_03: And so I really grew up with this idea that you just absorb your faults, and that's, you know, you just make do with them.
• 1:05:21
  SPEAKER_03: I had a real that was my attitude for a long time.
• 1:05:24
  SPEAKER_03: Well, if God didn't want me to have anxiety, why'd he give me all these cuticles?
• 1:05:28
  SPEAKER_03: You know.
• 1:05:33
  SPEAKER_03: I know my crowd, I know who's out there.
• 1:05:38
  SPEAKER_03: I'll had those days.
• 1:05:39
  SPEAKER_03: Having a rough one, Kyle.
• 1:05:41
  SPEAKER_03: Well, you know what to do.
• 1:05:41
  SPEAKER_03: There's two handfuls of panic snacks.
• 1:05:43
  SPEAKER_03: You just go lock yourself in the bathroom at lunchtime and go full blues traveler on them shits.
• 1:05:53
  SPEAKER_03: And then you hide your bloody hamburger mittens in your pockets for the rest of the day so your co workers don't realize you don't know how to process your feelings.
• 1:06:00
  SPEAKER_03: Correctly.
• 1:06:00
  SPEAKER_03: You're fine.
• 1:06:02
  SPEAKER_03: You're fine.
• 1:06:03
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but I don't feel fine.
• 1:06:05
  SPEAKER_03: Shut up.
• 1:06:13
  SPEAKER_02: I started going.
• 1:06:16
  SPEAKER_02: Therapy.
• 1:06:18
  SPEAKER_03: Therapy.
• 1:06:18
  SPEAKER_03: Therapy.
• 1:06:19
  SPEAKER_03: Like you need to go in person.
• 1:06:21
  SPEAKER_03: Like the big key of it.
• 1:06:22
  SPEAKER_03: Let it be in-person.
• 1:06:24
  SPEAKER_03: Go to an office.
• 1:06:24
  SPEAKER_03: It's neutral territory.
• 1:06:26
  SPEAKER_03: You can just say whatever, you know, nobody on the other side of the wall gives a shit about what you're talking about.
• 1:06:30
  SPEAKER_03: And that's the helpful part of it.
• 1:06:31
  SPEAKER_03: I couldn't be in a pandemic.
• 1:06:33
  SPEAKER_03: I couldn't go in person if I had to go uh do Zoom therapy or doing telehealth just from my office.
• 1:06:43
  SPEAKER_03: There's already that history that I spoke of.
• 1:06:50
  SPEAKER_03: You need that privacy.
• 1:06:51
  SPEAKER_03: Well, first off, like, yeah, so going there, it's me and my girlfriend live in this house.
• 1:06:54
  SPEAKER_03: We're the only ones in there, so now I'm doing the therapy from in there, and so I have to like try and be very coy about it.
• 1:06:59
  SPEAKER_03: If you think your problems are already uh weird and creepy, uh wait till you whisper them to somebody.
• 1:07:08
  SPEAKER_03: And that just magnifies them into a whole other realm.
• 1:07:13
  SPEAKER_03: When you're I'm just in there with my my noise-canceling headphones on, talking to a stranger on the screen, like, so I think that the ghost of my girlfriend's mom has been watching me masturbate.
• 1:07:25
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, well, that's not good at all.
• 1:07:28
  SPEAKER_03: I should probably just stop masturbating.
• 1:07:30
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, oh, that's not gonna happen.
• 1:07:32
  SPEAKER_03: So so what I I I thought, like, you just need to persevere.
• 1:07:37
  SPEAKER_03: So I thought that's the old college tribe, but I think I over-rotated a little too much because now I'm in this place where if I can't climax unless there's a representative of the afterlife watching over me.
• 1:07:48
  SPEAKER_03: And I don't think that's what angels are for.
• 1:07:51
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm just saying I need you to kind of come back and correct me because I'm getting real horny around cemeteries, and I just scrambled it trying to fix it myself, and I need you to undo the.
• 1:08:02
  SPEAKER_03: And my door just gets kicked in.
• 1:08:03
  SPEAKER_03: My girlfriend's like, you want grilled cheese?
• 1:08:05
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, I'm doing telehealth, god damn it.
• 1:08:08
  SPEAKER_03: I need some privacy if work this is gonna work, and also, yes, but so that arrangement wasn't working out, but I realized I could get the Wi-Fi out on the street, so I can go, I just go sit in my car, and that's where I do therapy, and that was that was great.
• 1:08:28
  SPEAKER_03: That was I could just go out there and that's where I'd have therapy, and it worked out great.
• 1:08:32
  SPEAKER_03: I would go out there and I'd sit down, I'd like to drink, and I would just put the phone in the dashboard, and I'd get all my issues out.
• 1:08:39
  SPEAKER_03: I felt good.
• 1:08:39
  SPEAKER_03: I was I was having breakthroughs that I call breakthroughs when you have this big emotional realization about your life, and everything emotional, you know, you express yourself, but it was good.
• 1:08:47
  SPEAKER_03: I was having those, and I knew good things were happening.
• 1:08:49
  SPEAKER_03: I knew good things were happening, but the neighbors no context for what was going on.
• 1:09:01
  SPEAKER_03: They just saw this shuffle out to a Subaru Crosstrek every Monday morning at 10 a.m.
• 1:09:07
  SPEAKER_03: and cry for a while.
• 1:09:11
  SPEAKER_03: And it was a few weeks into it, that's when I realized, like, oh, the neighbors were just like, he killed that kid.
• 1:09:19
  SPEAKER_03: This is all adding up.
• 1:09:20
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, not like killed, it was an accident, but that's probably happened around 10 a.m.
• 1:09:25
  SPEAKER_03: on a Monday.
• 1:09:25
  SPEAKER_03: That's why he's the saddest at that moment.
• 1:09:27
  SPEAKER_03: That's why he goes out to cry there.
• 1:09:29
  SPEAKER_03: He can't cry in front of the baby mama, he gotta be strong for her.
• 1:09:31
  SPEAKER_03: He gotta be, she's sad too.
• 1:09:33
  SPEAKER_03: So he goes out, he bows it up, man.
• 1:09:35
  SPEAKER_03: He goes out to the Subaru to cry because those are very safe vehicles.
• 1:09:38
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know if you know not just in crash test ratings, but also just the just the in the feng shui of them all.
• 1:09:45
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 1:09:45
  SPEAKER_03: They're really I don't know if you've ever been in one before.
• 1:09:48
  SPEAKER_03: I was in a forester once, I confessed to an affair.
• 1:09:50
  SPEAKER_03: It was just but it's all adding up the baby.
• 1:09:55
  SPEAKER_03: That's that's what he's eating all the baby food he we bought a big old Costco-sized pallet of chicken baby food at the beginning of the pandemic.
• 1:10:01
  SPEAKER_03: He can't go back and forth to the store with the virus with a newborn, so he just bought a bunch of it, like I'm gonna have a strong boy.
• 1:10:07
  SPEAKER_03: And then tragedy struck, but money's tight, so they're just working through the chicken baby food themselves, and it's just sad, and they're just you know, they're just you're just drowning their sorrows and Malibu.
• 1:10:20
  SPEAKER_03: All right, well, that's not the alcohol I would associate with grief, you know, but but that but you can't measure grief.
• 1:10:30
  SPEAKER_03: Grief's different, you can't compare grief.
• 1:10:32
  SPEAKER_03: One person's grief is totally different than another person's grief.
• 1:10:35
  SPEAKER_03: I would think like a scotch or a vaccabies trying to go mix it with pineapple, having more of a like a tropical grief kind of thing.
• 1:10:41
  SPEAKER_03: More of a beachside sunny day grief, especially with this weather, probably got season depression on top of it.
• 1:10:46
  SPEAKER_03: So they're just trying.
• 1:10:48
  SPEAKER_03: I wouldn't be I wouldn't be surprised if we found some margarita mix in there.
• 1:10:51
  SPEAKER_03: This is all this is all coming together for us now.
• 1:10:54
  SPEAKER_03: This is all poor Miss America.
• 1:10:56
  SPEAKER_03: There is a there is a fresh pile of dirt in that backyard with Miss America.
• 1:11:01
  SPEAKER_03: Jesus Christ, I really am my mother's son.
• 1:11:03
  SPEAKER_03: Um look, what I've been trying to, long story short, we did not get a lot of trick-or-treaters at the house.
• 1:11:20
  SPEAKER_03: Um I got so much candy left over.
• 1:11:25
  SPEAKER_03: If you guys, you know, find your way up near Portland.
• 1:11:27
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, I got three musketeers.
• 1:11:29
  SPEAKER_03: Payday for the older gentleman, I'm gonna let it look at it.
• 1:11:32
  SPEAKER_03: So just look me up.
• 1:11:33
  SPEAKER_03: I'll hook you up.
• 1:11:33
  SPEAKER_03: You guys, thank you so much for coming.