Latest / The Eugene Hamilton Podcast / How Triggers Reveal The Real You!

Transcript

How Triggers Reveal The Real You! · The Eugene Hamilton Podcast

0:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, grow squad.
0:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Hope you're doing good.
0:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Have you been for the best seven days?
0:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Hope you've been doing well.
0:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Hope the life has been treating you kindly.
0:24
[SPEAKER_00]: I am your boy Eugene Hamilton and I'm so glad to have this conversation with you today.
0:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for tuning in.
0:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for your time.
0:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I know oftentimes people take it for granted.
0:34
[SPEAKER_00]: We think that people have all the time in the world of tuning into their stuff and people are always vying for attention.
0:40
[SPEAKER_00]: I get it.
0:41
[SPEAKER_00]: I hope and I hope you know that I'm very much appreciative of your time.
0:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for taking the effort to tune in today and I promise you you will not be disappointed to go ahead and like, subscribe, go ahead and share.
0:53
[SPEAKER_00]: In fact, we know for a while that as you continue to let people know what's happening here, our channel, our platform grows, more people are impacted in more lives or blessed because not of me, but because of you and your influence.
1:06
[SPEAKER_00]: So thank you again for tuning into the Let's Pray and let's get started.
1:10
[SPEAKER_00]: God, we thank you for another day.
1:13
[SPEAKER_00]: Bless us, give us what we need in your name.
1:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Amen today.
1:19
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, last week was pretty high.
1:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
1:22
[SPEAKER_00]: And along those same lines, I want to talk more though today about triggers.
1:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
1:29
[SPEAKER_00]: If you tuned in last week, if you haven't, the full episodes available right now go back before you listen to this one because that's pretty much the foundation for where we are today today.
1:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Want to talk a bit about triggers.
1:44
[SPEAKER_00]: As a forty-five year old man, but this is crazy for me to even let you know, let you a little bit in on, on some things that are happening in my life for the very first time in my life.
1:57
[SPEAKER_00]: I've entered therapy.
1:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, go ahead and clap for your boy.
2:03
[SPEAKER_00]: I really appreciate it.
2:04
[SPEAKER_00]: I thank you for the support.
2:05
[SPEAKER_00]: I can hear your support already.
2:06
[SPEAKER_00]: Listen, I found a therapist.
2:10
[SPEAKER_00]: And man life has been getting better from the first session.
2:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Now you may ask what what?
2:18
[SPEAKER_00]: What's the reason for for for me entering therapy?
2:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Did something traumatic happen?
2:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Did something grandiose happen?
2:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Is something that something pull you out of?
2:29
[SPEAKER_00]: No, no, no, no, no.
2:32
[SPEAKER_00]: You see I've got a four-year-old son.
2:35
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you don't know, I'll let you know again, I was born to a single mother.
2:42
[SPEAKER_00]: And I thank God every single day that I've got an amazing, I don't even call, he's not my stepfather on paper, maybe, but in real life, this my dad.
2:52
[SPEAKER_00]: But at three years old, he married my mom.
2:54
[SPEAKER_00]: He came into my life.
2:58
[SPEAKER_00]: And something has happened as I'm thinking about just the way things have changed from the time that I was three.
3:06
[SPEAKER_00]: Here's what I'm going.
3:08
[SPEAKER_00]: And I've now got a four-year-old.
3:11
[SPEAKER_00]: And some of the things that I am trying to instill in my son.
3:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, I'm grabbing from my childhood.
3:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, I'm grabbing from my experience.
3:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely.
3:21
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm leaning on the foundation.
3:23
[SPEAKER_00]: And then there's some things I say to myself, hmm.
3:29
[SPEAKER_00]: I need to do differently.
3:31
[SPEAKER_00]: There are some things that I find myself being upset about that the only reason I'm upset about the only reason I believe that they are wrong is because I was parented that way.
3:46
[SPEAKER_00]: It makes sense.
3:48
[SPEAKER_00]: This is not this one right at home.
3:49
[SPEAKER_00]: There's no right at home with that.
3:50
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, our parents gave the best that they could.
3:54
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to give the best that I came to my son, but but sometimes as I said, over and over again, I've got to check myself and ask myself, where'd you get that from?
4:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Why is that trickering you?
4:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Why are you so out of search with that?
4:09
[SPEAKER_00]: It's funny because just the other day, in fact, last week we were able my wife and my family, we were able to fly down and visit with my immediate family, my immediate extended family, I guess as my mother, my sisters, we had to all some time together, just fellowshiping, eating, more eating, right, and just kind of catching up on life.
4:31
[SPEAKER_00]: And we were in the airport
4:33
[SPEAKER_00]: And my wife has a bit more patience than I do, right?
4:37
[SPEAKER_00]: In fact, my mother, my son's grandmother, had bought him a remote control car, and he's in the airport.
4:44
[SPEAKER_00]: We delayed because of weather.
4:46
[SPEAKER_00]: And so, of course, everybody's antsy, of course.
4:49
[SPEAKER_00]: My son can't sit still.
4:51
[SPEAKER_00]: And so he begins to play with his pools, his remote control car, out of his bag, and he begins to play with that bad boy right there in the airport.
4:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, at first thought, that's pretty dangerous.
5:00
[SPEAKER_00]: People are walking up and down the hallways.
5:04
[SPEAKER_00]: They're walking up and down the corridor.
5:06
[SPEAKER_00]: And you got this little bitty race car that somebody can trip over and be seriously injured from.
5:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
5:12
[SPEAKER_00]: But first thought.
5:14
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, oh, no, no, no, put that up because somebody can be injured.
5:20
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I decided to say that I set to myself as he's about to play with his toy.
5:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, thank God for therapy, man.
5:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Because initially, I would've just lashed out and just been, and my wife looks at me and she says, it's eating you up, huh?
5:37
[SPEAKER_00]: I said, what's eating me up, ain't that the wrong with me?
5:39
[SPEAKER_00]: She's out of fact that he likes to play with that car, that's eating you up, right?
5:44
[SPEAKER_00]: But I had to be honest, if you listen to the last few episodes, episode, you know, I talked heavily about emotional awareness.
5:51
[SPEAKER_00]: I said, yeah, it is, but let me take a deep breath and count to four.
5:55
[SPEAKER_00]: Right and I did so I took a deep breath I counted to four like Daniel Daniel Tiger and I said it's not just play with the car over here Hmm See when I was growing up it's it's put the car up
6:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
6:12
[SPEAKER_00]: I said, son, just don't play with the car over on this side because people may get injured.
6:17
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't want your car.
6:18
[SPEAKER_00]: And in fact, I came from the angle of not even people being injured for his understanding.
6:23
[SPEAKER_00]: I said, oh, no, you don't want people to damage your car.
6:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
6:27
[SPEAKER_00]: He's a bit older.
6:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
6:28
[SPEAKER_00]: He could understand people being injured, but he's four.
6:31
[SPEAKER_00]: So he didn't really comprehend what somebody, what could happen to someone's ankle or knee if they step on his little lightning McQueen car.
6:39
[SPEAKER_00]: So I said, so that your car doesn't get smashed and damaged.
6:44
[SPEAKER_00]: So much of play over here.
6:49
[SPEAKER_00]: And so much of my measurement.
6:50
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, it's blowing my mind how, how, how my son is picking up on my level of, or my ability to speak in a calm voice, my ability to speak in a way that, because my voice is already heavy, I don't do have to do much yelling, right?
7:13
[SPEAKER_00]: But even the way I come at him, I try to make sure I govern myself in a way
7:22
[SPEAKER_00]: that is reflective of how I would like to be received.
7:27
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I'm not triggered by the same thing that caused me to undo the opposite of what I was told to do.
7:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, what we have, we give out.
7:45
[SPEAKER_00]: All right.
7:46
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm trying my best.
7:47
[SPEAKER_00]: In fact, my son is so, he's such a loving kid, man.
7:51
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, he likes to touch.
7:52
[SPEAKER_00]: He likes to hug.
7:53
[SPEAKER_00]: He likes to kiss.
7:55
[SPEAKER_00]: He likes to, I'll just be all upon you.
7:57
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's foreign to me.
8:00
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't grow up that way, right?
8:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, not that one way is right or wrong.
8:06
[SPEAKER_00]: I just didn't grow up that way, right?
8:08
[SPEAKER_00]: And so that is stretching me.
8:11
[SPEAKER_00]: One of the things, as I'm walking through this journey in therapy, trying to figure out why am I not so much creeped out, but why don't I just readily receive what he's giving me?
8:24
[SPEAKER_00]: It's because it wasn't really, not again.
8:26
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't grow up in that kind of household, right?
8:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Love was in the air constantly, but it wasn't always on display.
8:36
[SPEAKER_00]: We knew that we were loved every single moment of the day that we lived with our lives, but it wasn't always on up for you to see it, right?
8:48
[SPEAKER_00]: So as my son is playing with his car, he hits this lady's foot.
8:56
[SPEAKER_00]: The car's going under the chairs.
8:57
[SPEAKER_00]: We're sitting in the waiting area.
8:59
[SPEAKER_00]: The waiting for the green light to begin the boarding process.
9:05
[SPEAKER_00]: And again, immediately, I want to be very stern and in his fun.
9:17
[SPEAKER_00]: That's my first recourse.
9:19
[SPEAKER_00]: And one of the things that's interesting because
9:25
[SPEAKER_00]: I think to myself, I'm a creative, right?
9:28
[SPEAKER_00]: And in parenting, your creative juices are always being tested, right?
9:36
[SPEAKER_00]: So the easy way out is, put the toy away, we've done with that, that's the easy way out.
9:40
[SPEAKER_00]: For me, in my opinion, cutting dry, sit down, be quiet, put the car up, nothing else.
9:49
[SPEAKER_00]: But can I meet him halfway?
9:53
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm thinking to myself, can I, can I meet him halfway?
9:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Can I, do I have the bandwidth?
10:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Do I have the capacity?
10:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Do I have the flexibility to meet him halfway?
10:08
[SPEAKER_00]: So here's his lady's foot.
10:10
[SPEAKER_00]: My reaction was, I'm emotionally aware.
10:15
[SPEAKER_00]: I was a millie.
10:16
[SPEAKER_00]: I was, I felt like saying, put the toy up, put the remote control up.
10:20
[SPEAKER_00]: That's why I didn't want you to play within the first place.
10:25
[SPEAKER_00]: this woman's response.
10:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, my goodness.
10:32
[SPEAKER_00]: She says, oh, sweet little boy.
10:38
[SPEAKER_00]: I heard your parents saying your name.
10:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, Justin, come here.
10:42
[SPEAKER_00]: And he would.
10:42
[SPEAKER_00]: He said, oh, I'm sorry.
10:44
[SPEAKER_00]: He apologized to her.
10:46
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm profusely.
10:47
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm so sorry for hitting your foot, ma'am.
10:49
[SPEAKER_00]: And she says, wow, you all are doing an amazing job with him.
10:53
[SPEAKER_00]: He's such a man or a young man.
10:54
[SPEAKER_00]: He's four.
10:57
[SPEAKER_00]: He's doing what for your old should do.
11:01
[SPEAKER_00]: He's exploring.
11:02
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't care if he hits my foot, twenty more times.
11:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Let him play.
11:08
[SPEAKER_00]: That doesn't hurt me.
11:10
[SPEAKER_00]: My toe isn't broken.
11:12
[SPEAKER_00]: My shoe isn't damaged.
11:14
[SPEAKER_00]: I know he's not meaning to hit my foot.
11:17
[SPEAKER_00]: You may find humor in it after a certain point, but let him play.
11:23
[SPEAKER_00]: You see at some point in life,
11:27
[SPEAKER_00]: In order for us to respond appropriately to our triggers, we've got to do our best to try and understand our triggers.
11:44
[SPEAKER_00]: In order for us to appropriately assess why we are triggered by certain things, we've got to be willing to sit back
11:58
[SPEAKER_00]: and try our best to understand.
12:03
[SPEAKER_00]: I, I, I probably.
12:08
[SPEAKER_00]: My son's four is a COVID baby.
12:14
[SPEAKER_00]: When I say COVID baby, he's born doing the pandemic.
12:18
[SPEAKER_00]: I probably spent more time with him in his life.
12:24
[SPEAKER_00]: their my dad was able to spin with me from age three until I left home at seventeen right after my meaningful time I mean due to work responsibilities and I get the understanding of roles and responsibilities all that stuff has evolved over time and so I understand it I spent more time because of the pandemic
12:53
[SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't on the road working.
12:55
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm working virtually.
12:57
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll get him like he put it for an hour.
12:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Then I'm back with him for four or five hours.
13:01
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I've spent more intentional or more intimate time with him in four years that I believe my my dad spent with me from age three to seventeen.
13:18
[SPEAKER_00]: So now I have
13:21
[SPEAKER_00]: a different kind of opportunity.
13:26
[SPEAKER_00]: I have a different opportunity with my son, in so much as I'm able now to first of all, slow it down, learn him.
13:40
[SPEAKER_00]: And the scariest part of the journey is allow him to learn me.
13:49
[SPEAKER_00]: You see one of the things that happens in understanding triggers, is that, hey, listen, number one, triggers are part of life.
14:06
[SPEAKER_00]: we all have even right now we have before it after the pandemic after the pandemic before this hurt now after the hurt before this experience and now we have life after the experience before this milestone now we have life after the milestone we all have experiences in life that that are most most of the time
14:32
[SPEAKER_00]: put into categories based on before and after a certain event.
14:38
[SPEAKER_00]: And so before my son was born, I spent an awful lot of time reflecting on the fact that my biological father was not around.
14:58
[SPEAKER_00]: All right.
14:59
[SPEAKER_00]: In fact, for much of my childhood and reflecting on the fact that he wasn't around for whatever reason, right?
15:11
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm unable to ask questions now as to why, because he's no longer with us, right?
15:20
[SPEAKER_00]: But he's just spent time thinking to myself, man, and I
15:28
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not worth it.
15:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
15:31
[SPEAKER_00]: You began to base your worth on people's decision whether or not to embrace you.
15:42
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
15:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Whether or not, of course, there were things that, you know, he showed up to find, but in terms of the ends and out of life, right?
15:52
[SPEAKER_00]: In terms of different, and no people say all the time, man, but you had, and I had an awesome father, right?
16:00
[SPEAKER_00]: who stepped in and did exactly what he could do for me.
16:05
[SPEAKER_00]: But I'm just sharing with you my truth as I'm walking this journey through therapy.
16:09
[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of my ability to move forward hinged on the fact that I hung my hat on.
16:16
[SPEAKER_00]: My worth was connected to my biological father's decision.
16:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Not to be a president for some of my life.
16:29
[SPEAKER_00]: So now I have my son, right?
16:34
[SPEAKER_00]: And I have made a conscious decision, right?
16:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Of course, I've been God, right, that we have a happy family, that we are loving, we enjoy each other.
16:49
[SPEAKER_00]: And the icing on the cake is I have an opportunity
16:56
[SPEAKER_00]: to lead my son in a way that I was not led.
17:05
[SPEAKER_00]: So even as you look at triggers, even as you look at events in your life, one of the things that is refreshing is that all of us have the ability to, no, it takes time.
17:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Of course, we still work through some things and we'll be working on some things for a while.
17:22
[SPEAKER_00]: But the ability to flip situations over on their head and look at what I can pull from that situation that has blessed my life instead of looking at that situation as a curse on my life.
17:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Now do I wish things were different?
17:39
[SPEAKER_00]: If I could go back, would I change certain things?
17:40
[SPEAKER_00]: If I could, I probably would, but I can't.
17:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Using the point in this, I can't, so I ain't.
17:48
[SPEAKER_00]: All right.
17:50
[SPEAKER_00]: I've my decision now to move forward.
17:56
[SPEAKER_00]: Now that I understand my triggers.
17:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Now that I understand what motivates me to react or reflect a certain way, it's now my responsibility to do what I can to give my son and my family the very best experience that I can possibly give them.
18:24
[SPEAKER_00]: One thing that I was invited to do
18:28
[SPEAKER_00]: at the end of the session with my therapist.
18:34
[SPEAKER_00]: There was a significant event in my life that took place.
18:37
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'll get into it later on.
18:38
[SPEAKER_00]: I won't get into it today.
18:41
[SPEAKER_00]: That really crushed me.
18:50
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was invited to look back on that incident, that situation that crushed me at age nineteen.
18:59
[SPEAKER_00]: And now as a forty-five year old man, I was invited to write a letter to nineteen year old Eugene.
19:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Until nineteen year old Eugene at forty-five, here is what has happened up until this point, right, since that particular crushing moment.
19:19
[SPEAKER_00]: And man, that thing, at first I was like, I ain't doing that.
19:24
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, I ain't said a lot, but I said it to myself.
19:27
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not doing that.
19:28
[SPEAKER_00]: That's, that's gonna bring all kinds of emotions and I ain't, I'm not doing it.
19:33
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, again, talking to myself.
19:37
[UNKNOWN]: But I did it.
19:41
[SPEAKER_00]: And then doing that, man, old man.
19:46
[SPEAKER_00]: that I put myself on front street, that I put myself in a position where, oh, here's why I did that.
19:52
[SPEAKER_00]: This is, oh, this is what brought me to this decision.
19:55
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, okay.
19:56
[SPEAKER_00]: Because, oh, wow.
19:57
[SPEAKER_00]: And I began to connect the dots in my life again.
20:01
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't expect someone else to understand me if I don't do my best to understand my own complexities.
20:15
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't expect for someone else to, I'll just take me as I am.
20:21
[SPEAKER_00]: And I haven't taken myself as I am.
20:25
[SPEAKER_00]: And I haven't taken an opportunity and chance to unpack who I really am.
20:34
[SPEAKER_00]: So what I want you to do, what I'm going to invite you to do.
20:39
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is just an opportunity for us to use our triggers
20:46
[SPEAKER_00]: as ammunition or as fuel.
20:50
[SPEAKER_00]: And when I say ammunition as fuel, I'm not saying use our triggers to get back at people.
20:55
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm saying use your triggers as fuel and ammunition to get yourself in a position, to get yourself in a particular state of mind where you use what you've learned from those experiences, you use what you've learned from those instances, you've used what you've learned and what you've gained
21:19
[SPEAKER_00]: So many times we just hang on the fact that, hey, we lost so much.
21:22
[SPEAKER_00]: We lost.
21:23
[SPEAKER_00]: We lost.
21:23
[SPEAKER_00]: We lost.
21:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I get it.
21:25
[SPEAKER_00]: That's our reality.
21:27
[SPEAKER_00]: But at some point, I got to turn the corner and say, hey, I lost, but what did I gain?
21:35
[SPEAKER_00]: I grew a fast, right?
21:37
[SPEAKER_00]: I got to a place faster than most.
21:39
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I gain momentum sometimes in life.
21:44
[SPEAKER_00]: Reassess your triggers this week.
21:47
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you've got to,
21:51
[SPEAKER_00]: This is free for y'all.
21:51
[SPEAKER_00]: I had to pay for this, all right.
21:53
[SPEAKER_00]: In terms of if I've got to get to a place where like my therapist, I begin to write down a write a letter to my old self.
22:04
[SPEAKER_00]: Write a letter to that young man, that young woman, write a letter to that old person to get it out.
22:15
[SPEAKER_00]: Do what you've got to do to propel yourself forward.
22:21
[SPEAKER_00]: and let the rest take care of itself.
22:24
[SPEAKER_00]: There's no hope I said something today.
22:25
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, this was kind of an opportunity for me not just to vent, but kind of just get some things out there, right?
22:33
[SPEAKER_00]: And if I was too much, we family now, all right.
22:38
[SPEAKER_00]: So I hope that you've learned that you've gained something inside on something that I hope that what I share with you today would be helpful in your own journey.
22:47
[SPEAKER_00]: as we all seek to go, as we all seek to grow, as we all seek to glow every single day.
22:55
[SPEAKER_00]: Until next time, take care of yourself.
22:57
[SPEAKER_00]: See you next week.
22:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Peace.