Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #171 Christmas Conundrums

Transcript

#171 Christmas Conundrums · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Do you do a present reveal or does everybody just
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  Speaker 1: open all of their presents at the same time.
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  Speaker 2: Do you mean like it's Kylie's turn to open her gifts.
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  Speaker 2: Everybody come and give Kylie her gift and then we
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  Speaker 2: go to the next person and the next person.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah, like if you've got a week in our family.
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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now on the first day of Christmas, made true love,
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: I can't go that high cent to me a partridge
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  Speaker 2: in a pear tree. Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson,
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  Speaker 2: the author of six books about raising happy families, and
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  Speaker 2: it is official the Christmas season. I'm here with missus
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  Speaker 2: Happy Families, my wife Kylie, who has a smile that
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  Speaker 2: would light up the biggest Christmas tree on the planet.
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  Speaker 2: Right now, because this is your favorite season.
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  Speaker 1: This is my favorite season. I can't I just can't
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  Speaker 1: wait for Christmas to come around.
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  Speaker 2: I love it.
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  Speaker 1: I'm planning Christmas all year round.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, the tree is decorated. Well, we need to
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  Speaker 2: talk about the tree, but we'll do that. We'll do
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  Speaker 2: that later on in the week. I think on the
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  Speaker 2: old tomorrow webisode. I've got a feeling. I don't want
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  Speaker 2: to pre empt anything, but I've just got the feeling
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  Speaker 2: that that's going to be part of our conversation.
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  Speaker 1: I love the Christmas music, I love Christmas.
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  Speaker 2: Food we've had. I've got a Christmas tree in my
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  Speaker 2: office thanks to you. I mean it's only thirty centimeters high,
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  Speaker 2: but I've got a Christmas tree in my office. You
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  Speaker 2: love it.
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  Speaker 1: I was a bit excited that you have an office
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  Speaker 1: this year that I could decorate.
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  Speaker 2: So we're talking about Christmas conundrums in the podcast today,
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  Speaker 2: and we're going to do a really rapid fire Q
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  Speaker 2: and A.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know how this is going to work.
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  Speaker 2: No, me.
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  Speaker 1: We don't do rapid very well, do we.
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  Speaker 2: But we're going to give it a go. So we
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  Speaker 2: did a quick brainstorm. It took us about ninety seconds
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  Speaker 2: to jot down a handful of Christmas conundrums that everybody
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  Speaker 2: faces at this time of year as we get ready
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  Speaker 2: for the silly season and everything that, you know, the
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  Speaker 2: hustle and bustle, the drama, the stress, the worry rather
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  Speaker 2: than the joy that Christmas sometimes cannotes. So five ideas
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  Speaker 2: that need to be explored well.
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  Speaker 1: I guess you know, when I think about the biggest
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  Speaker 1: stresses around Christmas, outside of family and relationships in general.
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  Speaker 2: Which are the biggest stress it can be.
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  Speaker 1: I think gift giving would be definitely number two on
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  Speaker 1: the list.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, So Christmas is meant to be this time
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  Speaker 2: of joy, but it can be really stressful. So we're
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  Speaker 2: going to talk about these Christmas conundrums. You start us off,
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  Speaker 2: You've got the list, So let's go through these five
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  Speaker 2: Christmas crisis points.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, top of the list. How many gifts is enough?
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  Speaker 2: Oh my goodness. Okay, So I've fallen in love with
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  Speaker 2: the idea of the whole, you know, by four gifts
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  Speaker 2: for the kids, something they want and something they need,
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  Speaker 2: something to wear, and something to read. I think I
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  Speaker 2: said that all around the wrong way, but I really
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  Speaker 2: really like that idea.
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  Speaker 1: I do too, and it has really simplified things for
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  Speaker 1: us at Christmas time with six kids, trying to kind
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  Speaker 1: of work out who gets what and you know, make
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  Speaker 1: sure that everybody feels like they're receiving an equal amount
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  Speaker 1: has been really, really tricky.
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  Speaker 2: So I've loved that, Yeah, because that way everybody kind
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  Speaker 2: of gets a pretty equal share, and you can do
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: pretty cost effectively. I mean, the reality is we go
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  Speaker 2: to and this is not sponsored, but we go to
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  Speaker 2: somewhere like Big w and buy clothes for the kids
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  Speaker 2: because they grow out of them in two minutes. So
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  Speaker 2: it's not like we're going and spending a fortune on clothes.
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  Speaker 2: But we drop down to the shops and grab them
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  Speaker 2: an outfit or two or three or four because it's
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  Speaker 2: you know, it's it's affordable. We get them a book
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  Speaker 2: or two from a bookstore. By the time you've done that,
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  Speaker 2: you still haven't really spent that much money. Then you
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  Speaker 2: buy them something that they need, you know, one of
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  Speaker 2: those essential kinds of items. You can do that pretty
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  Speaker 2: cheap as well. And then something they want. I guess
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  Speaker 2: that's where the extravagant fund comes in, and you're only
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  Speaker 2: limited by your imagination and your budget. But to me,
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  Speaker 2: that's about right for the kids, and there's there's plenty
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  Speaker 2: of joy with those, okay.
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  Speaker 1: Next one, is it okay to give essentials.
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  Speaker 2: According to the something they want and something they need? Line.
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  Speaker 2: I think that it's just fine to give essential.
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  Speaker 1: See I don't think need necessarily is an essential.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, So what's an essential essentials like.
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  Speaker 1: A toothbrush or Undies or maybe deodorant.
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  Speaker 2: Well, as soon as you said that, I have to
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  Speaker 2: I have to say the idea of opening up some
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  Speaker 2: deodorant and some Undies or a tooth brice and saying,
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  Speaker 2: oh wow, thanks so much for being so thoughtful that
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  Speaker 2: that doesn't really excite me. I don't know. I mean,
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  Speaker 2: I know that if you're doing it genuinely tough, then
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  Speaker 2: that probably is a really neat thing for Christmas. But
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  Speaker 2: from what I've seen with Middle Australia, I think that
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  Speaker 2: we've kind of moved beyond. That's that to me sort
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  Speaker 2: of you know, sits with those nineteen twenties, nineteen thirties,
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  Speaker 2: nine and forties old school stories of Christmas, and I
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  Speaker 2: reckon most people nowadays would probably think that was really
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  Speaker 2: uninspiring to give essentials. You're looking at me like you disagree.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I do disagree completely.
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  Speaker 2: I think do we give essentials to our kids like
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  Speaker 2: in their Christmas? So? We sure do we do?
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  Speaker 1: And as the children get older, you know, their hair
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  Speaker 1: product that's like twenty dollars a bottle. It's not something
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  Speaker 1: that I would buy them normally, but come Christmas time
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  Speaker 1: I might actually get them their special you know, colored
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  Speaker 1: hair or whatever.
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  Speaker 2: But see, I look at the essentials that you're talking
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  Speaker 2: about here, because you do these amazing Christmas stockings and
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  Speaker 2: you put a lot of essentials in there. So there's
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  Speaker 2: always some ginger beer, the Bunderberg ginger beer and a
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  Speaker 2: mango in every Christmas. That's my essential. Seriously, that's what
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  Speaker 2: the kids have for breakfast, a ginger beer and a
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  Speaker 2: mango and then they start eating chocolate. But the essentials
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  Speaker 2: that you're talking about, like those ridiculously expensive hair products
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  Speaker 2: or you know that the fancy hair tiders and all
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  Speaker 2: that sort of stuff, well.
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  Speaker 1: Shower Gael for instance. You know, like they've got their
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  Speaker 1: beautiful smelly stuff that they like to get from the
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  Speaker 1: body shop. Well I don't buy that through the year.
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  Speaker 1: They just get the big w stuff or you know what.
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  Speaker 2: The wooly stuff. Yeah, but I reckon that that's not
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  Speaker 2: an essential. I think that's a that's a gift, that's
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  Speaker 2: a luxury item. So you've taken it up a notch
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  Speaker 2: or two. If you're going to talk about a bottle
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  Speaker 2: of rex owner from down at local walls, or you know,
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  Speaker 2: a bottle of Brute for the men, I don't reckon.
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  Speaker 2: I think they're essentials, and that's that's uninspiring. And I
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  Speaker 2: don't think that essentials should be given, but fancy essentials,
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  Speaker 2: I'm all in, Like if you and.
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  Speaker 1: God, my six year old gets very excited when she
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  Speaker 1: gets a Barbie toothbrush because generally speaking, she just gets
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  Speaker 1: the ten pack from Woolli's.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, so I reckon. Then the Christmas conundrum around this is,
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  Speaker 2: if you're going to do essentials, make them a bit
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  Speaker 2: fancy one way or the other. They don't have to
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  Speaker 2: be costly, they just have to be fancy and out
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  Speaker 2: of the ordinary. Is that fair?
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  Speaker 1: That's fair?
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  Speaker 2: Cool? Okay, we've got another couple to do. Let's take
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: a quick break and come back and respond to them
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: in a second. What are they real?
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: Quick? I'm not telling you.
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: Let's fight out of a second. It's the Happy Families Podcast.
• 6:36
  Speaker 3: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
• 6:39
  Speaker 3: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts
• 6:42
  Speaker 3: of Discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits
• 6:44
  Speaker 3: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happy
• 6:48
  Speaker 3: families dot com dot au slash shop.
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast. The podcast or the type
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: of parent who just find SeNSS Now, we are responding
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: to your Christmas conundrums. What do we do about getting
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  Speaker 2: our gift giving right? So far, we've identified that essential
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  Speaker 2: items are okay, but they need to be a little
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  Speaker 2: bit fancy. And we've also recognized that we don't want
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  Speaker 2: to give too many gifts. But probably those four something
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  Speaker 2: to wear, something to read, something they want, something they
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  Speaker 2: need is probably a really nice number of gifts with
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  Speaker 2: a really good balance.
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  Speaker 1: All right, next question, gift cards versus gifts.
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  Speaker 2: I can talk to you about research on this, but
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  Speaker 2: before I do, what do you reckon?
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  Speaker 1: I'm gifts all the way?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah you are. You're a gift You're a gift giver.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. The problem is I believe I'm a really thoughtful
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  Speaker 1: gift giver, and.
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  Speaker 2: I would agree with that you are extraordinarily thoughtful.
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  Speaker 1: I shop throughout the year, and have you know when
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  Speaker 1: I go into a shop, I see something that just
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  Speaker 1: jumps out at me as being, you know, something without
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  Speaker 1: one of the children will like, and I'll get it
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  Speaker 1: at that point because it's on special, it's on special,
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  Speaker 1: or because I've thought of them in that moment and
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  Speaker 1: it was you know something that really jumped out at me.
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  Speaker 1: I hate getting a gift when I feel like it's
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  Speaker 1: just come out of someone's.
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  Speaker 2: Gift cupver it regifting.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, that really kind of heaves me off. But I
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  Speaker 1: would always, always, always love to get a gift that's
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  Speaker 1: been personally picked for me, as opposed to giving me
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  Speaker 1: a gift card.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, so the research says really clearly that if you
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  Speaker 2: can buy a thoughtful gift and you know the person well,
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  Speaker 2: a thoughtful gift will always always be better. But if
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  Speaker 2: you don't know them well, you don't know what to
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  Speaker 2: get them, and you just either regifting a gift or
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  Speaker 2: just giving something that you think they might hopefully perhaps maybe,
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  Speaker 2: like the research seems to show that gift cards are
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  Speaker 2: a much better way to go. You can say, hey,
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  Speaker 2: you know what you mean a lot to me. I
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  Speaker 2: think you're a great person, but I just don't know you.
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  Speaker 2: I mean not that you'd say this in the card,
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  Speaker 2: but I don't really know you well enough to get
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  Speaker 2: you something really personal. So I gave you this gift
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  Speaker 2: card because I figured that way you can go splodge.
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  Speaker 2: The other great thing about gift cards at Christmas is
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: that when you give a gift card. That person can
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  Speaker 2: go to the boxing day sales and get twice the
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  Speaker 2: amount of stuff that they would have got the week
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  Speaker 2: before Christmas because everything's on sale. So there are some
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  Speaker 2: advantages to gift cards.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, next question, yep, buying for the extended family.
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  Speaker 2: Oh I hate this one. Okay, some context. I come
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  Speaker 2: from a very big family. You come from an average
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: sized family, But across the two families, there's like fifty
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  Speaker 2: fifty odd people, maybe sixty people in the extended family,
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  Speaker 2: and we all just kind of got over it at
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  Speaker 2: some point, didn't we. I just think it depends on
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  Speaker 2: it depends on how old everybody is, and it depends
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  Speaker 2: on how big the family is, and it also depends
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  Speaker 2: on how close you all are. So I just think
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  Speaker 2: the answer is it depends. What do you think it depends? Depends?
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  Speaker 2: That's my answer. No, I'm not sitting on the fence.
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  Speaker 2: It's like, well, if you all live in one like
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  Speaker 2: let's just say you all live in the same suburb
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  Speaker 2: and you get to catch up regularly and you know
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  Speaker 2: each other well, and everybody is engaged with one another
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  Speaker 2: in really positive ways, then yeah, buy gifts for everybody.
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  Speaker 2: And also it depends on your budget. I mean, can
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  Speaker 2: you imagine if we actually had to buy gifts for
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  Speaker 2: every single person in our extended family that were meaningful
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  Speaker 2: and substantial, like we would be saving up for three
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  Speaker 2: years every year.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think I think that. I think that it
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  Speaker 1: does depend. I think that as soon as there's an
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  Speaker 1: expectation take the whole joy out of the process. But
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  Speaker 1: I also feel like it just feels really nice to
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  Speaker 1: be thought of.
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  Speaker 2: It does, but you've also got to have the resources,
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  Speaker 2: you know, Like I said, if we were to try
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  Speaker 2: to spend proper money or give really thoughtful gifts to
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: every single person in the extended family, Number one, you'd
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: never you'd need a gift room in your house to
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  Speaker 2: store it all. I just I don't think that it's practical. Okay,
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  Speaker 2: So I've got.
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  Speaker 1: A bit of an extension to that, and I think
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  Speaker 1: that something that would be really nice to just acknowledge
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  Speaker 1: people is, you know, a really thoughtful card where you
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: can actually yep.
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  Speaker 2: I think that's a great idea, especially and it saves
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: money as well.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: All right, last question, do you do a present reveal
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: or does everybody just open all of their presents at
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: the same time?
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: Do you mean like, Okay, it's Kylie's turn to open
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: her gifts. Everybody come and give Kylie her gift, and
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: then we go to the next and then the next person. Yeah, like,
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: if you've got a week in our family, how long
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: is it going to take? It's oh my goodness. And
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: the kids go crazy. It's so boring. They're like, could
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: I do what I do now? And then this is
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: something that we agonize over. Our solution in our family
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: has been that we break up the gift giving throughout
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: the day and that different people get to have that
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: experience at different times with everyone.
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  Speaker 1: But so I think the reason that we started this
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: was because what we found was was just this massive
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: presence and number one, as a parent, trying to oversee
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  Speaker 1: six children opening up all of their presents from aunties
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: and uncles to be able to then give thanks for
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: those presents was just like was mind boggling. And our
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: children got to a point where it was just like
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: literally ripping the paper open so they could see what
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: was inside and then grabbing the next present.
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  Speaker 2: So some more context around this. I'm one of six
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: and we've got six and one of my sisters also
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: has six, plus there's some others as well. So we
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: would go to mum and Dad's house and there would
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: be at least forty people all trying to open gifts
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: at the same time, and it was just mayhem. There
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: was paper going everywhere. And my mom can't just give
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  Speaker 2: one gift either. Mum usually gives people a like a
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: sack of gifts, and some of them are only like
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: one dollar gifts, some of them a just ridiculous gifts.
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: Sorry about part of that's.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: Because she has to wrap every single thing separately, and
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: so what ends up happening is that each child gets about.
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: Ten gifts from my mum because she's this over the
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: top gift giver, and all of a sudden, you've got
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: forty people trying to unwrap ten gifts each. I mean,
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: it's obviously not that bad, but it feels like there's
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: four hundred gifts going crazy in the living room, and
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: so I just reckon that you do what works for
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: your family. But my goodness, if you're trying to if
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: you're trying to do that much, it's probably a bit
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: much and it might be time to take stock and
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: find a new solution.
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  Speaker 1: So I think our kids have really enjoyed that process
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: of opening presents and watching their siblings open their presence. Yeah,
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: it's one challenge we have is that we've got one
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: child who actually doesn't enjoy it. And the reason she
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: doesn't enjoy it is because she feels so much pressure
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: to kind of, you know, show appreciation and joy for
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: something that she might not actually be appreciative of.
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: Is it okay how thankful you are for a gift?
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, So it definitely is something to think about.
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: So we talked about this in the webinar last night
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: as well, and it's probably worth just highlighting it again.
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: The idea that we've got to remember what the purpose
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: of Christmas is and the gifts are. The gifts should
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: not be the primary reason that we're getting together. It
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: should be about family and relationships and actually making a
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: difference in people's lives.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: Well, I think we've touched on some pretty pretty intense
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: conversations here.
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: Good luck making sense of it all. If you have
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: any feedback for us and tell us what you do
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: to deal with those Christmas conundrums, you can email us
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot au. We really
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: appreciate you listening to the podcast. If you enjoy it.
• 13:57
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• 14:23
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