Latest / Stuff Mom Never Told You / Monday Mini: Are Boyfriends Embarrassing? (Part 2)

Transcript

Monday Mini: Are Boyfriends Embarrassing? (Part 2) · Stuff Mom Never Told You

0:05
Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha.
0:06
Speaker 2: I'm welcome stuff. I never told you prediction Iyheart Radio.
0:18
Speaker 1: Oh okay, we are back to the part too. I
0:20
Speaker 1: actually did a part two. Ah man, I was doing
0:24
Speaker 1: so good, Annie, I was doing so I had some thoughts.
0:27
Speaker 1: I've kind of derailed it to No. We knew this
0:29
Speaker 1: was going to happen, because this is, like I will say,
0:32
Speaker 1: as we have talked about this episode, so we are
0:35
Speaker 1: coming back to Chante Joseph's article is having a boyfriend
0:38
Speaker 1: embarrassing and there's a lot of feels. So there's a
0:41
Speaker 1: lot of fels to the point that I every time
0:43
Speaker 1: I think I've talked, I have now mentioned it twice
0:45
Speaker 1: on interviews to say have you read this article. I
0:49
Speaker 1: have mentioned it to you. I have mentioned it to
0:51
Speaker 1: a friend of the show previous. I was Caroline. I've
0:53
Speaker 1: been spreading this article out everywhere because I'm like, we
0:57
Speaker 1: all need to talk about this. This is legitimate. We
1:00
Speaker 1: as a coalition of marginalized feminist female representing people, need
1:07
Speaker 1: to talk about this article. Yeah, and why it resonated
1:11
Speaker 1: so much, Yes, and why there's so many like reactions
1:14
Speaker 1: to it. Of course, we know any type of statement
1:16
Speaker 1: like this, this is going to get some type of reaction,
1:19
Speaker 1: good or bad. But she really brought out some thoughts
1:24
Speaker 1: in this conversation. If you haven't listened to the part one,
1:28
Speaker 1: pause here, go back to part one because we talk
1:30
Speaker 1: about some of the things that she alludes to, some
1:33
Speaker 1: of her quotes and what she specifically has seen in
1:37
Speaker 1: this conversation with other writers and creatives as well. So
1:41
Speaker 1: an activist, So you should stop here, go back. Okay,
1:45
Speaker 1: welcome back. But yeah, so she had some really big
1:50
Speaker 1: thoughts and man, people, people have things to say. So
1:55
Speaker 1: Joseph often says throughout her article, it isn't that falling
1:59
Speaker 1: in love or being in a happy, healthy relationship is
2:03
Speaker 1: bad or that it demonizes a person. It doesn't make
2:05
Speaker 1: you a villain for being that. But it is all
2:08
Speaker 1: about the fact that it is restructuring a narrative that
2:11
Speaker 1: once villainized the group of women whose self worth is
2:14
Speaker 1: not hinged on the ever exhausting quest of finding their soulmates. Which,
2:19
Speaker 1: by the way, I just heard someone say that to me,
2:21
Speaker 1: and I really want to be like, no, really, yes,
2:25
Speaker 1: she was so recently divorce. I think she just came
2:28
Speaker 1: out of a relationship and like She's like, I just
2:30
Speaker 1: like she's feeling that loneliness even though she knew she
2:34
Speaker 1: was so excited about coming out of that relationship and
2:37
Speaker 1: understanding how bad it was. But now her new quest
2:41
Speaker 1: is to fine that one again. And I was like, no,
2:45
Speaker 1: I need to teach you to rethink this, because you
2:49
Speaker 1: will in any perfect relationship, it can be the most perfect,
2:53
Speaker 1: genuinely great relationship. If your search is based on someone else,
2:59
Speaker 1: your happiness based on someone else, You're gonna be unhappy. Yeah.
3:04
Speaker 1: And it's going to make you sad and like rip
3:08
Speaker 1: that your expectations. Yeahs to you. That term soul mate,
3:16
Speaker 1: I just hate it so much. But as again, as
3:20
Speaker 1: we talked about all of these things, especially again in
3:23
Speaker 1: that dating episode, Oh it is exhausting mm hmm. And
3:27
Speaker 1: and that search being for us being told this is
3:32
Speaker 1: the end goal. Yeah.
3:36
Speaker 2: And you know, we've talked about this in so many episodes,
3:39
Speaker 2: but I don't know if I've ever shared this story.
3:41
Speaker 2: When I was in high school, I created what I
3:44
Speaker 2: called Operation Hot Husband. Oh h h uh, and I
3:51
Speaker 2: was determined to find my and I was in high school,
3:55
Speaker 2: you know, and uh also gay.
3:58
Speaker 1: But whatever, it's okay, we understand that I was.
4:03
Speaker 2: I legitimately actually was, but I would go, like, looking
4:09
Speaker 2: back at it, everything was fine, but I could have
4:14
Speaker 2: put myself in some pretty dangerous situations because I was.
4:17
Speaker 1: I was going to like bars as a high schooler, wow, to.
4:23
Speaker 2: Meet a man, because I have this timeline and I'm
4:28
Speaker 2: so sure by this time I had to do this.
4:30
Speaker 2: By this time, I had to do this. I had
4:32
Speaker 2: a whole like plant like home alone style, this is
4:36
Speaker 2: how you do it. But I could have really put
4:39
Speaker 2: myself in a dangerous situation for this story that has
4:43
Speaker 2: been fed to me that is not.
4:47
Speaker 1: True and doesn't take.
4:48
Speaker 2: Into account the reality of a lot of things.
4:52
Speaker 1: Oh age ah.
4:54
Speaker 2: Operation hot husband ye wow, wow, Yeah that's a nugget.
5:02
Speaker 1: I not know that was new. It was new for me.
5:04
Speaker 1: That was new. But yeah, with all of these things, well,
5:09
Speaker 1: there are some interesting responses to the article to the
5:15
Speaker 1: fact again, other articles have been written in this conversation.
5:19
Speaker 1: There are many also response videos talking about how they
5:23
Speaker 1: aren't embarrassed by their boyfriends and and the such, and
5:26
Speaker 1: seemingly to show off their boyfriend or more likely appealing
5:29
Speaker 1: to the sexist audiences they have cul cultivated, being like
5:34
Speaker 1: kind of like the treadwife type of conversation of like,
5:38
Speaker 1: I'm not a feminist, I can cook video if you
5:41
Speaker 1: know you know, if you know you know. This is
5:44
Speaker 1: the same level of being like, not being embarrassed in
5:46
Speaker 1: my boyfriend, my boyfriend does this, my boyfriend does this,
5:49
Speaker 1: and this. I'm like, okay, this is one of those moments.
5:51
Speaker 1: I'm like, tell me you haven't read the article without
5:54
Speaker 1: telling me you haven't read the article type of conversation.
5:57
Speaker 1: And one of those articles came from The Guardian. She
6:02
Speaker 1: did read it. I think she did read it, to
6:04
Speaker 1: be honest, but part of her response was kind of
6:07
Speaker 1: a level of like, oh, well, if boyfriend having a
6:11
Speaker 1: boyfriend is embarrassing me, having a husband is even more so,
6:14
Speaker 1: Like but tell me gen z or because I don't
6:17
Speaker 1: know Justph's age or anything. But it seemed like a
6:19
Speaker 1: very much like that type of conversation, like does is
6:22
Speaker 1: marring mom pants still as embarrassing as that is? Are
6:26
Speaker 1: these things as embarrassing as that? I'm like, that's not
6:30
Speaker 1: not necessarily, not necessarily what she's saying, and then criticizing
6:37
Speaker 1: and being like, well, if that's embarrassing, what other types
6:39
Speaker 1: of relationships would you consider embarrassing type of conversation. I'm like, wow, again,
6:45
Speaker 1: I don't think you read what this article is. It's
6:49
Speaker 1: not them versus us, it's not relationship versus single women. Like,
6:55
Speaker 1: there's so much nuances to this conversation about like where
6:58
Speaker 1: we have come and how far we have come along
7:01
Speaker 1: and understanding we should have an identity beyond I am
7:07
Speaker 1: someone's partner, I am someone's girlfriend, I am someone's wife, mom,
7:11
Speaker 1: and I am someone's mom. But I like, that was
7:14
Speaker 1: one article, but there's others who are like, you know what,
7:18
Speaker 1: I get it, let's talk about this. So this is
7:21
Speaker 1: from Dailyfreepress dot com and I believe it's an asque
7:24
Speaker 1: abby but it's actually ask anal Analise Brunos the author,
7:29
Speaker 1: and she writes women are not merely choosing to stay
7:32
Speaker 1: single because boyfriends are embarrassing. As an abstract concept, this
7:36
Speaker 1: isn't a quirky, cool, a chkh lifestyle choice. It's a
7:40
Speaker 1: response to a much deeper systemic reality. Gender violence and
7:44
Speaker 1: misogyny and the longstanding societal expectation that women exist primarily
7:49
Speaker 1: as caregivers. With quote added romantic perks have shaped the
7:55
Speaker 1: way women navigate intimacies. For centuries. The real truth behind
7:59
Speaker 1: why so many women are deliberately single is more empowered
8:03
Speaker 1: and profound. They are finding fulfillment, growth, and autonomy outside
8:07
Speaker 1: of romantic relationships. I think it's what like that is
8:13
Speaker 1: exactly like the level of understanding, and it's kind of
8:16
Speaker 1: like that adventure in being able to do whatever you want,
8:23
Speaker 1: however you want to eat, however you want to keep
8:26
Speaker 1: the house, however you want to If you want that cat,
8:28
Speaker 1: get that cat. If you don't want that cat, don't
8:29
Speaker 1: get that cat. It's this level of understanding you really
8:34
Speaker 1: only need to care for one person and you're not
8:36
Speaker 1: responsible for multiple Yeah.
8:40
Speaker 2: I think about this a lot with my mom because
8:44
Speaker 2: you know, if a lot of times these conversations do
8:48
Speaker 2: get kind of that's gen Z doing whatever. You know
8:51
Speaker 2: what I you know, but my mom, after my dad died,
8:57
Speaker 2: she's just said to me several times, have no interest
9:01
Speaker 2: in finding anybody else. It's nice that I don't have
9:05
Speaker 2: to worry about because he would get cranky, he needed
9:08
Speaker 2: like food at this time, he hated going out with
9:11
Speaker 2: the kid.
9:12
Speaker 1: Like.
9:12
Speaker 2: She just had all of these things, and they did
9:15
Speaker 2: love each other and they had a relationship that I
9:17
Speaker 2: don't think she regrets, but I do think it's pretty
9:21
Speaker 2: telling that she's like, it's kind of a relief now
9:24
Speaker 2: that I don't have to be managing him so much
9:29
Speaker 2: and his emotions so much while I'm also raising kids.
9:34
Speaker 1: I mean, we've talked about women coming in like their
9:36
Speaker 1: second when they after their partners either divorce or die,
9:42
Speaker 1: and the freedom and how much more they get to live.
9:47
Speaker 2: Especially like older generations, you get married so young, so
9:52
Speaker 2: it's so it is kind of like, well, I didn't
9:55
Speaker 2: have that experience before I got married, so now I'm
9:59
Speaker 2: getting to have.
9:59
Speaker 1: It right of seeing my parents who were happily married.
10:13
Speaker 1: And I know, if we've talked about it, when one
10:15
Speaker 1: of them dies, the other was going to quickly go
10:17
Speaker 1: with them, Like if there was a true soul made situation,
10:20
Speaker 1: this is it that they are. They've always been in alignment,
10:24
Speaker 1: whether like they've also thrown things at each other and
10:26
Speaker 1: screamed at each other and yelled at each other for sure,
10:28
Speaker 1: but like my mother and father still make sure to
10:32
Speaker 1: tell each other they love each other and call them
10:34
Speaker 1: pet names like all these things, so they really feel
10:37
Speaker 1: like they are each other's best choices and they made
10:39
Speaker 1: the best choices However, my mother also has moments of like,
10:43
Speaker 1: I never got to do these things that you got
10:44
Speaker 1: to do. And she had plans as of recently to
10:48
Speaker 1: try to do some of those things, but age and
10:50
Speaker 1: pain and all these things circumstances have happened and she's
10:53
Speaker 1: not able to do it. And I can tell as
10:54
Speaker 1: she's talking about it, wanting to do those things and
10:58
Speaker 1: being enabled to like really has those moments, And it
11:01
Speaker 1: has nothing to do with my dad necessarily, like he
11:04
Speaker 1: didn't hold her back, but she definitely started a family
11:07
Speaker 1: in her teens with him, and they were not able
11:12
Speaker 1: to do those things. They had the obligations without the
11:14
Speaker 1: support and ability. Of course, back then you didn't think
11:17
Speaker 1: they could. It was a glamorous ideal for people to
11:20
Speaker 1: travel like that, not your everyday North Georgia mountains people
11:24
Speaker 1: who are barely working through their jobs without with barely
11:29
Speaker 1: their high school diplomas. So it was definitely a different
11:32
Speaker 1: time and it wasn't a reality like there was no way.
11:35
Speaker 1: As we're today, it is more accessible, but yeah, not
11:41
Speaker 1: if you're still bound by those same having two to
11:43
Speaker 1: three children, having very limited funds, trying to have a house,
11:47
Speaker 1: all those things can Yeah, it kind of does feel
11:52
Speaker 1: like it holds you back.
11:55
Speaker 2: It does, and it's it's one of those things that
11:58
Speaker 2: really frustrates me because I just think this is this
12:02
Speaker 2: is one of those it's hurting everybody because people do
12:06
Speaker 2: want to be in relationships, and the truth of it
12:13
Speaker 2: is that for so long, for women, a relationship does
12:19
Speaker 2: come at a much higher cost than it does for men.
12:24
Speaker 2: And I hate that because I have friends who want
12:28
Speaker 2: that relationship but are like unwilling to pursue it, and
12:33
Speaker 2: men who want to be in relationships, but women are like,
12:37
Speaker 2: I don't know, I don't want to enter this because
12:39
Speaker 2: I'm going to get trapped in something. And I feel
12:41
Speaker 2: like my mom, what I would witness with her is
12:45
Speaker 2: she was such a people pleaser and I am too,
12:47
Speaker 2: and I'm pretty sure I got it from her that
12:50
Speaker 2: she couldn't even though I feel like she's a strong, intelligent,
12:54
Speaker 2: all of these things, but she felt like she had
13:00
Speaker 2: to do this because her kids were involved, or she
13:03
Speaker 2: just sacrificed so much. And that's it's almost kind of
13:08
Speaker 2: a self sabotaging fear at a certain point, because I
13:11
Speaker 2: was one of the reasons I didn't want to date
13:13
Speaker 2: at first, was I knew that would happen to me.
13:16
Speaker 2: I would get in a relationship and I would cave
13:19
Speaker 2: because that's what I learned, That's what I saw growing up.
13:24
Speaker 1: Right right, well, and again that's this whole other depth
13:29
Speaker 1: of conversation of like motherhood and such and like this
13:33
Speaker 1: is kind of pre because but you know what's coming
13:40
Speaker 1: type of conversation and like is this worth sacrificing for
13:43
Speaker 1: this dude?
13:46
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're thinking about that. I mean, we talked about
13:49
Speaker 2: this in the Women in Men Lying about their Politics episode.
13:53
Speaker 2: But I remember recently before I really came into my
13:56
Speaker 2: identity as Ace, I sat down with a dude who
14:00
Speaker 2: wanted He was like, I think we should date, and
14:02
Speaker 2: I said, right then and there, listen here, I don't
14:06
Speaker 2: want to get married.
14:07
Speaker 1: I don't want kids.
14:08
Speaker 2: Like I was just laying out all of this stuff
14:11
Speaker 2: right away, immediate.
14:13
Speaker 1: This is my list.
14:14
Speaker 2: If I'm not going to just stop talking to me,
14:17
Speaker 2: I've been wish you washing on it in the past,
14:19
Speaker 2: but I'm not going to say not anymore.
14:21
Speaker 1: I found myself and I will say, okay, so do that.
14:25
Speaker 1: Ask an elist article. She read this, she wrote this,
14:28
Speaker 1: and I love it. They say it's beautiful, really whether
14:32
Speaker 1: you're in a relationship or not. The truth is clear.
14:35
Speaker 1: Men may need women, but women do not need men.
14:39
Speaker 1: Understanding this is essential, not as a statement of superiority,
14:43
Speaker 1: but as a foundation of self fulfillment. And especially as
14:47
Speaker 1: we talk about the fact that women are having less children,
14:50
Speaker 1: and we talked about like why are the many reasons
14:52
Speaker 1: in financial one of them. Other part is growth in
14:55
Speaker 1: career or other wants in their lives, and knowing that
15:01
Speaker 1: having a child is not timely for whatever your goal
15:05
Speaker 1: may be, especially for women men, bad life goes on oftentimes,
15:12
Speaker 1: but like in this level of like understanding that self
15:19
Speaker 1: fulfillment is kind of nice. Yeah, it is.
15:25
Speaker 2: And it's interesting to me that when when you you
15:30
Speaker 2: sent this article to me, I was reminded of when
15:33
Speaker 2: I was in high school.
15:35
Speaker 1: I was the local feminist.
15:37
Speaker 2: The real rabble rouser, uh. But there was this article
15:42
Speaker 2: that came out when I was in high school that
15:44
Speaker 2: was basically kind of like women really scientifically don't need
15:51
Speaker 2: men anymore, and everyone would. All these boys in my
15:57
Speaker 2: class came up at me and they were so angry
16:00
Speaker 2: about it, and I was like, I'm not trying to
16:03
Speaker 2: I'm not trying to make a huge point about how
16:06
Speaker 2: you shouldn't exist or something. I'm just saying, this is
16:09
Speaker 2: what the science says. Uh.
16:12
Speaker 1: And you know you don't have to date me. Uh,
16:18
Speaker 1: I'm telling you this.
16:19
Speaker 2: It caused a huge firestorm. I just remember it, and
16:23
Speaker 2: I was kind of taken aback by how angry these
16:28
Speaker 2: boys were that there.
16:30
Speaker 1: Was this science article that I'd read that said it
16:36
Speaker 1: explains where we are today kind of does. Oh, but
16:45
Speaker 1: another article about it from her campus dot com had
16:49
Speaker 1: actually a great explanation. Again, as we are talking about
16:52
Speaker 1: the article, just this the article they write. Another big
16:56
Speaker 1: part of this conversation is that for a lot of
16:58
Speaker 1: straight women, it can feel like we're sleeping with the enemy. Now,
17:03
Speaker 1: I'm not saying all men are awful people who shouldn't
17:06
Speaker 1: be in relationships. What I'm saying is that many of
17:09
Speaker 1: us are out here doing everything right. We're in college,
17:13
Speaker 1: we're working full time, we have our own apartments, we
17:16
Speaker 1: are actively dismantling the patriarchy in our personal lives. Yet
17:21
Speaker 1: somehow a man is still in our bed, our mind,
17:25
Speaker 1: our space. The separation of both can be hard to handle,
17:30
Speaker 1: especially when he is the guy of your dreams. When
17:33
Speaker 1: it is compatible, Okay, so that's the end of her quote,
17:36
Speaker 1: and I think it's such a well said specifically for
17:38
Speaker 1: how I feel. I'm like, Okay, I gotta do all
17:41
Speaker 1: these things, and all these things that I did not
17:45
Speaker 1: expect has happened, and to this point of like I
17:48
Speaker 1: assumed I would be single for the rest of my life.
17:50
Speaker 1: I assumed if I did date someone that one day
17:54
Speaker 1: might be a person of color woman like a woman
17:57
Speaker 1: of color like. But my family was very scared of this,
18:03
Speaker 1: was very scared of this thought process. But like in
18:07
Speaker 1: the expectation is no, Like I love my partner. He
18:12
Speaker 1: is a good man who loves and treats me very well,
18:18
Speaker 1: there are still things that both of us are working
18:20
Speaker 1: through when it comes to dismantling, like internal misogyny and
18:25
Speaker 1: patriarchy that has been systemic. Like you know when you
18:29
Speaker 1: see generations before who are trying to unlearn that and
18:33
Speaker 1: how far away from that they are, but they're still trying.
18:37
Speaker 1: And then you see the younger generations learn even more
18:41
Speaker 1: than that and grow out of that, but still have
18:43
Speaker 1: to keep on learning. Like it's a concept conversation and
18:46
Speaker 1: like it talks to we talk about this when it
18:48
Speaker 1: comes to racism, as well, like, inherently all non black
18:54
Speaker 1: people are racist towards black people. And I'm not saying
18:58
Speaker 1: that we are all racists, like we're me angry like
19:00
Speaker 1: as we see it, but there's internalized racism that have
19:04
Speaker 1: pitoted us against a group of people because we do
19:09
Speaker 1: not want to be at the bottom. And I say
19:10
Speaker 1: this as a person that is Asian who have grown
19:14
Speaker 1: up being told but you're not like them type of
19:17
Speaker 1: rhetoric and was like, okay, like knowing that's wrong, but
19:22
Speaker 1: knowing I also benefited off of that, you know what
19:24
Speaker 1: I'm saying, Like there's an inherent level. And that's also
19:27
Speaker 1: when it comes to men, like understanding being a man
19:33
Speaker 1: is inherently meaning you have sexism built into your anatomy
19:38
Speaker 1: because whether it was taught to you through jobs or
19:44
Speaker 1: being treated preferentially over this or let you off on
19:48
Speaker 1: some of these things that other people people of color
19:51
Speaker 1: could not get away with, or women could not get
19:53
Speaker 1: away with, or you know, like women are asked to
19:55
Speaker 1: be have to overprove that they're qualified, that they are
19:59
Speaker 1: never going to be okay without the extra degrees type
20:03
Speaker 1: of thing or extra experiences or in that conversation or
20:05
Speaker 1: you're not truly going to be believed unless you are
20:07
Speaker 1: physically wearing the abuse on you, as in leg you
20:12
Speaker 1: have marks on you have physical like all these things.
20:14
Speaker 1: This is that conversation of like understanding, men are not
20:18
Speaker 1: the enemy, but men still have a lot of unlearning. Yeah. Yeah.
20:24
Speaker 2: And I also I think that it's misleading how some
20:31
Speaker 2: people have reported on this article after it came out,
20:35
Speaker 2: because people are so quick to do what I was saying,
20:39
Speaker 2: where oh, so all men are bad? What was this?
20:43
Speaker 2: I think that the reason this hit so hard is
20:48
Speaker 2: not because the author was saying you shouldn't have a
20:52
Speaker 2: boyfriend or you shouldn't have a partner or anything like that.
20:55
Speaker 2: I mean, you're a Republican, Yeah, But I think that's
21:03
Speaker 2: why it hits so hard, is why the question of
21:06
Speaker 2: what is going on where so many people feel that way?
21:11
Speaker 2: And I think it's very it's a systemic issue where
21:15
Speaker 2: even if the person you are with is not like that,
21:18
Speaker 2: you know that systemically, there's a lot of calls for
21:25
Speaker 2: questions and things that need to change. So it's it's
21:29
Speaker 2: more of a it's more of what can we do
21:35
Speaker 2: to address why we feel like this.
21:50
Speaker 1: Also, there's a big conversation in like I know the
21:54
Speaker 1: queer community when it comes to intersectionally talking to two
21:58
Speaker 1: gay white men and in like, hey, I there's a
22:02
Speaker 1: lot of misogyny within the gay men culture and you
22:06
Speaker 1: need to talk about it. We need to talk about that.
22:08
Speaker 1: You don't get a pass just because you don't want
22:10
Speaker 1: to date a woman. That's not the thing. We have
22:14
Speaker 1: seen and witness many things where they think they can
22:17
Speaker 1: get away with things, whether it's touch and grabbing, doing
22:19
Speaker 1: things and things. But no, it's okay, I'm gay, which
22:23
Speaker 1: doesn't happen a lot. There's like it's I'm not saying
22:26
Speaker 1: because if we don't want to fit into the far
22:28
Speaker 1: right narrative of like oh yeah, there definitely no no,
22:31
Speaker 1: but that for some reason there is a level like
22:35
Speaker 1: we can't hold accountability and you can't say there's misogyny
22:39
Speaker 1: there when it's absolutely there's misogyny there. There's this conversation
22:42
Speaker 1: that needs to be there just as much as we
22:44
Speaker 1: have to say there's racism within the queer community as well.
22:48
Speaker 1: Just because you're one part of the spe like intersexual spectrum,
22:51
Speaker 1: doesn't mean the other doesn't apply to you or doesn't
22:54
Speaker 1: affect you somehow, whether you're part of the problem or
22:56
Speaker 1: part of like the victims like type of thing conversation,
23:00
Speaker 1: and this is that same narrative, except we're looking at
23:04
Speaker 1: the point of view of like me a feeling like,
23:08
Speaker 1: how have I betrayed my people, my feminist people by
23:12
Speaker 1: having an heterosexual assist relationship like kinds of conversation in
23:20
Speaker 1: this and for me for again, I was single up
23:23
Speaker 1: into my thirties, no relationships except for like a couple
23:27
Speaker 1: of like high school relationships that were like we don't
23:30
Speaker 1: talk to each other, we pass notes type of conversation
23:35
Speaker 1: into my late twenties early thirties, and even then my
23:37
Speaker 1: relationships lasted two four weeks at most. So this is
23:43
Speaker 1: my one and only long term relationship because I didn't
23:47
Speaker 1: mind when I let go of That'm like, oh maybe, yeah. Well.
23:54
Speaker 2: And that's the other thing that's that's usually weaponized against
23:58
Speaker 2: swimming is something I told another.
24:03
Speaker 1: Person who wanted to date me.
24:04
Speaker 2: I was I was trying so hard to figure out
24:06
Speaker 2: I didn't want to date anybody, but anyway, I told
24:09
Speaker 2: him I was not into romance. I didn't trust it.
24:13
Speaker 2: And he said, that's one of the saddest things I've
24:17
Speaker 2: ever heard. You should get into therapy, and I just
24:21
Speaker 2: looking back that he he just wanted to convince me, Yeah,
24:27
Speaker 2: you have to be in this heterosexual relationship or you're
24:34
Speaker 2: it was it was. It was supposed to be like
24:36
Speaker 2: a threat. It was supposed to scare me.
24:38
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it did hurt. Yeah, like it did hurt.
24:43
Speaker 2: But I remember thinking, I don't have to deal with you, right,
24:49
Speaker 2: I could go home and BILLI would you.
24:51
Speaker 1: Would put me in therapy and cost me a lot
24:53
Speaker 1: more money. I don't have time for this, Like that's
24:57
Speaker 1: exactly like the But being in this relationship that I
25:01
Speaker 1: have been currently in, this long term, happy relationship that
25:04
Speaker 1: I'm in, it does feel like a little bit of
25:08
Speaker 1: when I tell people, know, it's good to be single,
25:10
Speaker 1: because I wouldn't change it for anything, But like singleness
25:15
Speaker 1: was good to me too. Yeah, and for those who've
25:18
Speaker 1: gone through bad relationships, try out singleness. It's wonderful. Yeah.
25:25
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think that's that's a good nuance to
25:29
Speaker 2: add is knowing how beautiful a relationship can be if
25:36
Speaker 2: it's supportive, but also knowing that yeah, if I'll be
25:42
Speaker 2: all right.
25:43
Speaker 1: That's that's like this is not a or if it's
25:46
Speaker 1: an okay.
25:47
Speaker 2: And yeah, this is nice, right someone around as happy.
25:53
Speaker 1: As we are. We know, things happen. Things happen, whether
25:56
Speaker 1: it's by choice or not by choice, like whatever it
25:58
Speaker 1: may be, and you need to be okay in what
26:01
Speaker 1: that comes. People change, people grow, People will have different
26:04
Speaker 1: interests and ideologies. Unfortunately, I have changed from ten years
26:09
Speaker 1: to now, you know, and I'm sure things will change
26:12
Speaker 1: even more. So hopefully we get more progressive, you know,
26:15
Speaker 1: and more for more human humanities. What that looks like later,
26:19
Speaker 1: I don't know, And I will say. This was the
26:23
Speaker 1: end of her Joseph's article. When talking about singleness and
26:29
Speaker 1: all of this, they say, uh, is something to be
26:32
Speaker 1: said to embracing that singleness? She writes, this is also
26:36
Speaker 1: happening alongside a wave of women reclaiming and romanticizing their
26:41
Speaker 1: single life. Where being single was once a cautionary telle
26:45
Speaker 1: You'll end up a spinster with loads of cats. Sounds
26:48
Speaker 1: fun of me, and just now becoming a desirable and
26:51
Speaker 1: covetous status, another nail in the coffin of a centuries
26:55
Speaker 1: old heterosexual fairy tale that never really benefited women to
26:58
Speaker 1: begin with.
27:02
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think I think so, and I think this
27:08
Speaker 2: is great that we're having these conversations about how relationships
27:13
Speaker 2: can look if you want one.
27:15
Speaker 1: Women clearly.
27:19
Speaker 2: Are fed up that this is not working for them
27:22
Speaker 2: and it hasn't been working for them, and so I've
27:26
Speaker 2: been really hopeful about some of the conversations I've seen
27:30
Speaker 2: in recent years. There is obviously the conservative backlash that
27:33
Speaker 2: makes me really angry, but I have been hopeful in
27:37
Speaker 2: hearing people talk about, you know, maybe we should reconsider
27:42
Speaker 2: what this looks like and how we can make this work.
27:46
Speaker 2: And that makes me happy, right glad.
27:50
Speaker 1: Yeah, And again, like as you were saying, and I
27:55
Speaker 1: not to tell and brag about anything, but like, I
27:58
Speaker 1: feel like my relationship is really great. We work a
28:01
Speaker 1: lot really well together, and the traumas and the bad
28:08
Speaker 1: things that have happened, it's been amazing to have him
28:11
Speaker 1: as a support. I also feel like I'm not embarrassed
28:14
Speaker 1: to show him off. I don't feel like he can't
28:17
Speaker 1: come out if it's just a group of girls, you
28:19
Speaker 1: know what I mean. Like he is oftentimes the only dude.
28:23
Speaker 1: He's great. He's a great addition he is, and that
28:29
Speaker 1: is something that is beneficial. Like he adds to the conversation,
28:33
Speaker 1: he listens, he encourages so all of those good things.
28:36
Speaker 1: So having a relationship is not the end all. Like
28:38
Speaker 1: we're not saying that that's bad. I'm not that saying that.
28:41
Speaker 1: But I understand this conversation and I do love the
28:44
Speaker 1: turnaround in this level of like, yeah, that's not the solution.
28:50
Speaker 1: Having a relationship is not a solution. It can be.
28:52
Speaker 1: It should be a benefit, it should be an added plus.
28:56
Speaker 1: If it's a negative, then we yes, we really need
28:58
Speaker 1: to think about why why is this one? Right? But like,
29:04
Speaker 1: being single is not like when people say the words
29:07
Speaker 1: you're going to be single all your life, don't threaten
29:09
Speaker 1: me with a good time and more money? What? Yeah,
29:15
Speaker 1: you know, Like those are those moments and understanding that.
29:18
Speaker 1: And of course this also has that conversation of women
29:23
Speaker 1: making like more friends and having more friends and being
29:27
Speaker 1: a little less lonely or being able to have a
29:29
Speaker 1: solution when you feel lonely. Yeah, so that's definitely that
29:33
Speaker 1: conversation too. So but again her putting that phrase out
29:39
Speaker 1: there really ruffle some feathers and then also really gave
29:42
Speaker 1: some victory laps to people. I love that too. It
29:48
Speaker 1: is a conversation Starughter, and I love it.
29:52
Speaker 2: Yeah, I do too. I really think that this is
29:58
Speaker 2: hitting something that has just been boiling under the surface
30:03
Speaker 2: for a while, and even looking.
30:04
Speaker 1: Back at my own.
30:06
Speaker 2: Dating experiences, where you know, in the beginning, I would
30:10
Speaker 2: be very sure, I'll make your food or whatever whatever
30:15
Speaker 2: it looks like, and to getting into huge fights with
30:19
Speaker 2: my last X or I just wouldn't have ever done
30:23
Speaker 2: that before. But I just felt there wasn't inequality in
30:28
Speaker 2: our relationship and that he didn't see it. And I
30:32
Speaker 2: think that's happening more and more with people, and we
30:36
Speaker 2: should be asking.
30:38
Speaker 1: Why why is that?
30:43
Speaker 2: So many thoughts, so many thoughts I didn't even get into.
30:49
Speaker 2: I recently stumbled into a whole argument about women changing
30:53
Speaker 2: their married name their name when they get married, and
30:56
Speaker 2: I didn't I used to. We did an episode on
31:00
Speaker 2: That's Minty long time ago, and I got a lot
31:03
Speaker 2: of angry male about it, but I wasn't saying there's
31:05
Speaker 2: anything bad about it. I was just kind of going
31:08
Speaker 2: over the facts of the history of it. But apparently
31:11
Speaker 2: this is still a huge, huge contention point. So weds, Yes,
31:19
Speaker 2: Kristen got called up for that.
31:20
Speaker 1: Yeah, like weddings like that's still very controversial type what
31:26
Speaker 1: do you what does the symbolize do you want this exactly?
31:30
Speaker 1: That's a lot, you know.
31:31
Speaker 2: Sometimes sometimes you just want to have a tradition, but you.
31:38
Speaker 1: But of what you want exactly.
31:42
Speaker 2: But clearly it is still something that people are feel
31:47
Speaker 2: a certain way about. They do and we did as well.
31:52
Speaker 2: That's why it's a two parter. And and I feel
31:55
Speaker 2: like my next one about moms being mad in media
31:58
Speaker 2: is actually related to all of this.
32:00
Speaker 1: I'm very excited.
32:02
Speaker 2: You can listen out for that one, but in the meantime, listeners.
32:06
Speaker 2: If you have any thoughts about this, you can email
32:09
Speaker 2: us at hellot Stuffnever Told You dot com. You can
32:11
Speaker 2: find us on blue Sky at mom Stuff. Podcasts are
32:13
Speaker 2: on Instagram and TikTok at stuff I Never Told You
32:16
Speaker 2: for us on YouTube. We have some new merchandise at
32:18
Speaker 2: Common Bureau and we have a book you can get
32:21
Speaker 2: wherever you get your books. Thanks It's Always too our
32:23
Speaker 2: super produced Christina executive produced to my and.
32:25
Speaker 1: Your contributor Joey. Thank you and thanks to you for.
32:28
Speaker 2: Listening Stuff Never Told You to put to my heart Radio.
32:30
Speaker 2: For more podcasts from my heart Radio, you can check
32:32
Speaker 2: out the heart Radio app app a podcast wherever you
32:34
Speaker 2: listen to your favorite shows,