Latest / Mic Drop Comedy / Nate Jackson Phoenix Crowd Work Pack

Transcript

Nate Jackson Phoenix Crowd Work Pack · Mic Drop Comedy

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: First person I want to talk to is Mr. Cock.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: What's your name? Jermaine? Outstanding. How you spell it? Just
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: one eye? Woo! You all right? Okay, okay, okay.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: N * * * a got one eye too.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: This your girl with you? That's your wife. Are you
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: okay with him seeing other women? Because he do.
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: Every time he look out his goddamn head, he looking
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: all over the goddamn room. Do you do something for
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: a living in which other people rely.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: On your eyesight? She's like, nah, he don't do s
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: * * *. What do you do for a living?
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: You're a manager at Dish Network. which also has one eye.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: People still buy Dish? Manager at Dish Network. How long
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: it take to become a manager?
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: It took you a year, but you could have did
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: it in six months. Why'd it take six extra months?
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: They're like, we're going to give you a promotion right
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: now if you can read this eye chart. It said E3, LT, RT, RT, LT, 3T, 4T, 5T.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: Do not read this far. This is the small print.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: God damn. Rainbow. I can't speak. So you're the manager now.
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: Okay, so if somebody has this network and they build
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: this dude, you could go in there and.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: Press a couple buttons and give them a blessing? Not really.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: Why you do that little dance first? They like... Huh?
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: If you feel like it. Damn. What if they take
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: you out to eat? I hop.
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: That man got one good eye we going to IHOP
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: enjoy your pancake what you say you work in the
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: office that's a random.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: Thing to yell out you don't have face to face
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: interact so you just on the phone.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: You don't take phone calls unless they escalate and people
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: don't know about your eyes because they on the phone
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: I tell you right now, I call in, I'm going
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: to hear that eye.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: Goddamn right. I'm like, you sound cockeyed. Look at that
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: goddamn eyeball. Can you see it? Y'all way up there,
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: you can't even see it.
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: Listen, this eyeballs are doing whatever the fuck they want.
• 3:11
  Speaker 3: They throwing up Wakanda forever. You going to show everybody?
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: Why would he get up and show y'all how fucked
• 3:26
  Speaker 3: up the eye is?
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: I'm like, look at my eye, everybody.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: I feel like I got you and you and you.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: I ain't say shit in here. Sir, you can close
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: your eyes a little bit. Like, get me. What's your name?
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: Nice to meet you, Bill. And who's this with you?
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: That's your wife? Did you just look away? Were you praying?
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: Why you put your head down right away? She's like, shit. Yeah, no.
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: You want to get a little bill? Go ahead, but
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: you leave me alone. Okay, how long you been with
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: your queen, man?
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: 17 years. That's what's up. There should be more people
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: clapping than that. 17 years is a massive accomplishment.
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: She's been dealing with his dumb ass for 17 goddamn years.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: Wow. What's the secret? 17 years? How you make it
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: that long? Y'all young? She got you stressed out. He
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: took a deep breath. He was like, no. Huh? I
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: keep you together? I just met you. You mean like
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: you watch the videos and shit and y'all be cuddled up? Okay.
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: I ain't really eat today, so this alcohol is raging
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: through my goddamn body.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: I want you to know that. I'm trying to be
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: responsible with your relationship. I don't want to fuck nothing up.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: You made it 17 years, but this shit right here
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: make me say wild shit.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: How did you meet your girl?
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: Hey.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: Hey. I'd say, uh, I don't even know this bitch.
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: Get your answers together. Eight months after you got out
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: of the military, hold on, who's military?
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: U.S. military, because you got a hell of an accent.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: You're mixed with what? Oh, this nigga did a 23
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: on me. Black, Puerto Rican, Irish. What else? Black, Puerto Rican, Irish. Black,
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: Puerto Rican, Dutch, French.
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: Irish.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: And what else?
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: I missed one. Puerto Rican and Scandinavian. I'm a dog,
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: I'm a mutt. Someone say, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: This nigga is gumbo, y'all. He's everything. You literally could
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: receive every slur and be offended. But what about your lady?
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: What is she? Mexican. Why'd you say it like it
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: was just? No, you said it up. He said it up.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: What's your girl? Mexican. That's up.
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: That's a beautiful culture, bro. You gotta lean into her shit.
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: You don't even know what the you are. You might
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: as well just start saying you Mexican too. that.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: What kind of Mexican are you, mama? She's like, Phoenix,
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: I don't know. You're not Mitchell O'Connor. You from where?
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: California originally? Okay, okay. That's what's up. Okay, calm down.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: She's like, my. That's what's up. So how many kids
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: y'all got? Two, that's it? They both you? That's your
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: Mexican wife and only two babies, huh?
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: Usually they come with a couple. Yeah, that first date,
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: they'd be like, they're outside in the car. I cracked
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: the window.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: They have air. How you doing? You got some nice
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: ass kneecaps. Let's just say kneecaps. Them goddamn ain't bullshit. Sheesh.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: What's your name? Selena?
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: Girl, I will beat the bitty, bitty bum bum off
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: your goddamn ass.
• 7:52
  Speaker 4: You goddamn right. Bitty, bitty, bitty bum bum. You fine. Goddamn,
• 8:00
  Speaker 4: you fine. You ain't even got no bottom teeth. I
• 8:02
  Speaker 4: still do it. You got bottom teeth? Let me see
• 8:06
  Speaker 4: the bottom.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: Okay. All right. Oh, you're missing that little hood tooth, though. No,
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: it's on this side. I see that little window. You
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: ain't slick. She going to show me the good side. No, no,
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: I'm good.
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: I'm good.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: What about that hole over there? She got like this.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: I got to give you the good side. This your
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: friend with you? Outstanding. Just a friend or this rock paper? No,
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: just a homegirl. You're beautiful too. She's your what? Sister-in-law?
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: Your husband love you? That goddamn ring big? It's a
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: teardrop with some other shit around it? Who you married to,
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: a cardinal? What do you do for money that you
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: balling like that?
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Airbnb what? Arbitrage? Just give me this. Just give
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: me this. Hey. You look like you know what the
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: fuck that means. What is an Airbnb arbitrage? She's rich.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: All right, we'll head back over here.
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: I didn't know what the arbitrage was. I thought that
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: was a seagull with ass and it never lands. But
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: that's an arbitrage. Arbitrage just means money.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: What do you do then?
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: You just stay home and just make sure the pussy tight?
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: You just be in there squeezing rolls of quarters? Yeah.
• 9:39
  Speaker 4: Huh?
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: You're a mechanical engineer? You're beautiful and brilliant? Wow.
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: Wow.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: Where at? Where are you mechanical engineering? At an aerospace company? What,
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: like Lockheed Martin? Lockheed Martin? What's it called? Wyatt or
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: say be quiet? Bitch, I can say something. Who the
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: fuck you shushin'?.
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: So you work at the aerospace company in mechanical engineering.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: What's your specialty? Should we be proud of you for
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: you dudes?
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: Thermodynamic regulation. I have to apologize because I thought you
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: were selling and for you to be doing thermodynamic regulation,
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: I feel like.
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: An asshole for judging you by how fine you are.
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: You've been in the books, girl. You're a bookworm. You're
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: a fine-ass nerd. And what about what you do? She said,
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: I sell What do you do, baby? Global financial crimes?
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: You a global accountant detective? You the police?
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: Everybody say, fuck the police on three.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: One, two, three. Fuck the police. Even if they got
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: nice shit. She said, thank you. That's a beautiful black woman.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: Got the chocolate skin and cheekbones and lips looking good.
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: And she got the pink to fade into the brown
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: looking chocolate. Got your braids done. Little bit of baby hair.
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: Got your lashes done. Eyebrows done. I know you got
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: some fire. That sitting up under you just....
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: What's your fine ass name? Huh? Joe Vinay? Joe Vinay? No.
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: That was still everything in my house. She named after
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: her daddy. Daddy named Joe, mama named Renee. That's Joe Vinay. Now,
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: what do you do?
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: You also got a good black job? You a real
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: estate agent? Just got your license? What part of... What
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: part of this area are you in? Phoenix what? Ahwatukee? Ahwatukee? Okay,
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: Ahwatukee that you. Ahwatukee that my.
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: Ahwatukee that my.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: Is that a city? Ahwatukee sound like sex. What's your
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: favorite position? Ahwatukee. Okay, okay.
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: We're going to need to lay down a towel for that.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: That's the Ahwatukee, girl. Sit your ass down. I'm about
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: to do.
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: The Ahwatukee.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: Say my name. Jovenay. What'd they call you, JoJo? Yeah. Well,
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: why you didn't say that? Shh.
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: Here.
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: This yours. Go ahead. It's just a little piece of wood.
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: Phoenix got some beautiful women. That's a man. If there's
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: any ladies in this and you know, like you're lonely.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: I think it's safe to say that we found our candidate. Oh. Damn,
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: you couldn't even spin that big around. Oh shit. My bad.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: Absolutely not. I used to like that. What's up with
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: Mexican Shrek, man? How you doing, baby? Only because outside
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: you were like, I'm in the second row. Make sure
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: you get me, bro. Hell yeah, you look like my.
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: That's how my look, you got ears on. Who you with?
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: That's your brother? Who else? That's your lady? That's your nephew,
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: what up, Nath? It's your birthday? Outstanding, man. That's your girl? Well,
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: move that ass hair out your face. There you go, man. Mariner.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: And so who's that behind you over there? Yo, wait.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: You put your wife behind you? Is that a Mexican thing?
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: I'm pretty informed on the cultures, but I ain't never
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: seen somebody just put their wife in the back like
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: a Uber driver.
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: You don't love her or something? Oh, you're too big.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: She's tired of your shit. She's like, fuck that. Is
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: your brother going? No.
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: You should have sat your big ass back there so
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: he could sit with his wife. Then nephew and his
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: girl sit right there and then you sit with your girl.
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: Matter of fact, everybody get up. You about to move seats.
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: Everybody get your ass up.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: Get up.
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: Shrek, sit down. You're the only one that was in
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: the right spot. Neff, sit over one more seat. You
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: right there, Dora the Explorer. Explore that seat right there. Neff,
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: sit right there with your girl. You sit with your girl.
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: Sit your ugly ass down. You sit with your girl,
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: and now everybody is in love.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: I got you, fool.
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: Fuck yeah.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: You wanted to sit with your girl the whole time.
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: Fuck with your dumbass nephew. You didn't have a choice.
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: I'd like to talk to the white man. Are you
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: looking away, sir? What was over there you were staring
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: at so hard? Was that a look away? It was? Okay,
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: I can respect that. She's like, it's not. Cook his ass. Please. Hey,
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: you touching your elbows. Fuck that couple. She's trying to
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: get me arrested. I went over, she was like, mother fucker,
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: I swear to God. We were having fun and then
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: he started fucking with Derek. All right, let me talk
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: to you with the, damn. Where the rest of your
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: clothes at? Who you with? Sir, who are you that
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: you got all these beautiful women sitting with you by yourself?
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: That's your cousin? Oh, okay, all right. So these are
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: her friends. You just extra. Which one do you like, man?
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: They are bad than a motherfucker. You don't even care
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: how much everyone likes me, fool. I just got my
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: dick out, bro. Turn the lights off. What's your name, cousin?
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: Lexi? I bet it is. I bet it is. Lexi, Lexi, Lexi, Lexi.
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: What about you with your shoulders out right there? Bella? Yeah. Yeah.
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: What about you right there? What's your name? Hello?
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: Huh? Leandra?
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: That's the one you like? You start rubbing your ear
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: on her. He's gay? Oh, I didn't notice that.
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: I should have picked up on them gay-ass bangs. You
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: got to be gay to just be like, you know
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: what I'm going to do? I'm going to cut everything
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: straight across. That way I don't have to move my
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: hair when I'm fucking dick.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: Gay... Happy pride, man. Your shit coming up, man. Yeah, man. Yeah, man.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: I fuck with the gays. Not, not. Let's be clear.
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: I fuck with the gays. I don't fuck with the gays.
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: You understand the difference?