Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Living Together Apart - Separated Under One Roof (Part 2)

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Living Together Apart - Separated Under One Roof (Part 2) · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce, or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrentry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of the podcast.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: All about living together apart.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Living separated but under one roof.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: And this is actually the second of two episodes on this topic of living together apart or being separated under one roof.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: So if you haven't listened to that earlier episode, hit pause, scroll back, and have a listen to that one first.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: This is a topic I'm asked about a lot, and it's topical because cost of living crisis or struggles or challenges, housing affordability and access to housing, rental availability, all of that.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's because of all of that, it's a topic I'm asked about often.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I thought a bit of an update or a fresh take might be helpful.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's get this part out of the way straight up.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Living together apart is not appropriate where there's any form of abuse, emotional, financial, physical, psychological, sexual.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: If this is your situation, please know the planning to exit might look similar on the surface, but the strategy is absolutely different and you need deeper, more specialized support.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: It may not even be appropriate, living together apart, that is, where there's a significant power imbalance, but not necessarily abuse.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: So having said that, some of the ideas I'm going to share here might probably will still help you prepare to leave more safely.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: These guidelines can also be applicable to families who are planning to bird nest or the bird nesting where the children remain in the family home and the parents alternate time spending time spent in the home with the children and caring for the children, the parents being the ones to move in and out rather than the kids.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: For both of these scenarios, that is living separated but under one roof, and bird nesting, I usually recommend them as an interim measure, not a long-term solution.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Although some families have managed them for long across longer term.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: So this is something you're considering or feeling a little almost forced into for various reasons because of your family's unique circumstances.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Here's my guide to helping you navigate this challenging but at times useful and strategic and often child-centric or child-focused setup.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: The first thing is boundaries.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: You need to explicitly outline what the boundaries are in this new phase of your still intermingled, intertwined lives, right?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: So some parts are separate, some parts are still mingled.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: What are the boundaries?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: It is usually best to act as though you're already living apart.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Your housemates, you cohabit, you're no longer a couple.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: If it's possible, sleep separately.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: No sleeping in the same bed, definitely no sex, and set boundaries around physical contact, what is and isn't okay.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because things have shifted and changed, right?
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: But you're still navigating the same physical home, physical space, and in terms of physical contact, what is okay, what is not okay.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Respecting each other's space that includes, you know, things like no walking into each other's sleeping spaces, bedrooms, private spaces, no walking in while someone's in the shower or the bathroom, and boundaries around parenting.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: You need to be really clear on who's on and when, who's the off-duty parent, what's the rhythm of the household, how is that going to play out, how is that going to look, and then communicate that clearly to the children.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then comes dating.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you are technically single, but dating doesn't come home in this situation, in this separated under one roof, still living together space.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Bringing people back to the house is an absolute no-go.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Even what you share with each other about your dating life will need to have boundaries around it, it will need to shift.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Basically, you'll need to shift what you share about each other's with each other, about your life, shifts.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: What's okay, what's off limits.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: So decide together, be kind, be compassionate, be respectful, but be firm and hold to hold each other to the boundaries that you set.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: The next step is to gently, gently separate family time.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: This is a really big one when you are still living in in the same house, you're separated but you're still living in the same house, and it's often one that gets overlooked.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: So even though you're still under the same roof, this is not business as usual for you and for your family.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Things need to change, and that can mean it becomes important to dial down the family moments, especially the everyday ones that maintain the illusion for everybody, kids, and both of you, that nothing's changed.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: So it can be useful to have no regular family dinners, no more Friday night, pizza nights, movie nights, all together watching from the couch.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: So separate your family dinners.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe on a birthday, no, not maybe, absolutely on a birthday or a special occasion, but day to day start gently untangling your family routines.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: And it's down to the two of you to work out what's going to be best for your family, your circumstances.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Some couples are just hard and fast, okay, we've separated, rip the band-aid off, strict line in the sand, we are separate, this is what it looks like.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Others gently separate family time and gently unravel and untangle their lives.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: By doing this, by separating and untangling family time, it helps your kids begin to process the shift.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it sets the tone.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Things are changing, and that's okay.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: You're both still here, you're both still present for them, you're still showing up for them, but not as a couple.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Not every day, all the time as a couple.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: You might go to a sporting event or a school event together and then come home and it's separate again.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Importantly, you're modeling for your kids how to end a relationship kindly, compassionately, with maturity, with care, with honesty, with respect.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: You're not pretending, you're not faking the family harmony, feeling angry, sad, stuck, whatever you're feeling.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: You're showing them what respectful separation can look like.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: And that's really important.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: But it is important also for them to see the separateness, for them to see the separation and experience it, even if that's a gentle process.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it doesn't mean anybody's withdrawing love or care from their kids, it doesn't mean that you are doing that, it's quite the opposite.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: It means creating clarity for them, safety, emotional safety, emotional honesty, and it gives them a much gentler runway into this really big life change.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: You can always be accessible to the kids.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: You just don't show up as a united couple while you are unraveling and untangling the rest of your relationship.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: The third thing to consider is parenting time and using this as a time to trial possibilities and options for parenting time.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Living together apart can be a really useful transition phase, especially for working out parenting, child caring logistics, the nitty-gritty of how this is going to work for our family moving forward.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: You can start testing out what your parenting time, what your child caring arrangements might look like.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you already have a vague or loose idea of how you want your agreement to work.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: So start with that.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Try, you know, mum days and dad days or whoever the primary caregiver might be.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Practice switching between on duty and off duty, modelling that for the kids.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to take practice, it takes adjustment for everybody, and sometimes it's actually the non-parenting time, the quiet alone time in the same house, can actually be the hardest part to get used to.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Many parents, when they are the off-parent, when they are not the prime carer, choose to leave the house to spend time outside of the house so that the default doesn't come back to everybody's all in together.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Or, you know, if you're if you've been the main carer, the one that the children turn to for X, Y, or Z, they don't still do that by default.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: They need to turn to their other parent, and that other parent needs to step up into that space.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: So it gives everybody time to practice.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: And by removing yourself from the space, it allows that parent to really be, the other parent to really be on and present and engaged and actively parenting.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: It can be a really good way of figuring out, figuring things out while you're still in the same space.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: It gives you valuable information, insight into what might work long term when you eventually move into two homes, and what might not work for the two of you or the all the the family, all of you.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: Number four is calm, open communication.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: And this is really non-negotiable.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: I should have put it at number at number one.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, you're separating, you're divorcing, you're untangling your lives together for really good reasons, and very often one of those reasons is a breakdown in communication.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: So this is hard.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: This is really, really hard because you need open, honest, calm communication.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to be best friends, but you need to be functional teammates.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: So work on your communication, your strategies.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Do you use a communicating app, parenting app?
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have a whiteboard in the kitchen, old-fashioned?
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, do you have a shared Google Calendar?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Highly recommend.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and if the kids are old enough, they have access to.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, what do you need to do to be able to clearly calmly communicate, to troubleshoot, to remind someone that it's their turn to scrub the bottom of the bin or unstack the dishwasher, whatever it is.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: You need ways to clearly calmly communicate and outline who's responsible for what.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: So it means transparency also around money, who's who's spending what, where the money's going, who's providing what, where you know, what's coming in, what's going out, real transparency around money, transparency around scheduling, um, managing emotional triggers, around parenting, around housework, as I said, everything.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: So it's about making any mental load visible and shared, and it's about finding ways to clearly calmly communicate.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Being clear and upfront now helps you through this interim phase and even through the transition later.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Number five, it's time to even up your skills.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: This is an excellent time to close any knowledge or skill gaps that each of you has.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: As I said, it might be the parenting stuff that I spoke about earlier that one is the default parent for X, Y, or Z, time to even that up.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Time to allow the children to know that both of their parents are able and willing and capable of doing all the things.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if one of you has never done the budgeting or paid the bills or doesn't know how to cook more than toast or two-minute noodles, now's the time to even it up.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now's the time to close out your skill gaps.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now's the time to learn.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: Don't wait until you're on your own to figure out how to clean the gutters or manage the mental load of school pickups and grocery lists or who the mechanic is that you need to book your car in.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now is the time.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Use this time to even things out.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are able to, you can help each other here.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: So you can collaborate, even though I've said earlier, you know, you need to spend time separately, you need to split out your time, you need to untangle your lives, you can still be helpful, you can still help one another.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're the one who's always paid all the bills and made sure the insurances are up to date and you've got all the login details and all those things, now's the time to share.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: If you're the one who's always um made the school lunches and cooked all the food, if you're the you know, if that's you and the other person can only cook to host and two-minute noodles, now's the time for that, for some sharing.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and it's not all on the teacher.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Some of the responsibility needs to be individual that okay, I know that I have a skill gap or a knowledge gap in this area.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna actively ask my other the other parent, my ex-partner, what they need, what they know, can they share that with me?
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna also seek out external support to upskill myself and increase my knowledge.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: Number six is kids.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: Talk to the kids honestly, they're really perceptive, and often they're gonna be the ones who ask the hard questions first, or someone at school will, and uh you know it'll come back to them.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: So be open and honest in age and stage appropriate ways.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: Be ready, know the story, and make sure if it is at all possible that you and your ex-partner share the same story.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: You're on the same page and you're giving the children the same information.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Your kids do not need to know every gritty detail, but they do need clarity.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: They need to know what's happening now, what might happen next, and that they will be included in those conversations, that you will share with them what's happening next before it lands in their lap.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: You will share that with them and that their voices will be heard.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't mean they get to drive the decisions, but their voices will be heard.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Most importantly, they need to know that they can ask questions and that they will be given age and stage appropriate answers, that they're loved deeply by both of you, and that regardless of how your family looks going forward, they'll still have both of you in their lives.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: Tip number seven is this is temporary for most, for most families.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: This is a transition, a transition phase, a transition arrangement, not a permanent arrangement for most families.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: The cost of living, the rental crisis, it's all very real.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: And for some families, this might be the only short-term option, but it is better for everyone if you can plan to eventually untangle your lives and manage to live separately.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: So start the conversation and start strategizing early.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: What might be your next move?
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: Can one of you take a rental?
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: Can one of you move in with a friend, live with family for a bit?
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: Can one of you, you know, is there a granny flat available in your um social circle where one of you might be able to spend some time?
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because if I'm really honest, the longer you stay in this limbo grey zone, the harder it can be to move on mentally, emotionally, financially, legally.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: So treat this as a temporary transition phase and start thinking about planning for and strategizing for your family's next move.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: Tip number eight, the financials.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: There are actually benefits.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: Living together apart can absolutely help ease the financial pressure.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: It gives you space to save, to plan, and to make a more empowered, smart, strategic move into a family that's spread across two homes.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: So this setup might feel really emotionally tough and really charged and really challenging at times, but financially it can buy you breathing room, especially if you've got kids to consider and the split maybe isn't super amicable.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: It can buy you time to save and strategize.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: But if it's not super amicable, the communication and the boundaries need to be really, really clear.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: Tip number nine: get support.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's coaching, whether it's counseling, whether it's therapy, whether that's individually or you as a couple together, get some support.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now it could be that you have a mutual friend who is really good at keeping communication calm.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: So you could have a three-way meeting with that person present while you nut out the boundaries and the framework of how this is going to look.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't necessarily have to be paid support, but get support and build it into the way you manage this transition phase and the way you set it up.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: It'll help you regulate your emotions, communicate clearly, calmly, stay emotionally or neurologically regulated, regulate your nervous system, identify triggers and any hotspots or flare points, and it can even help you to co-create some you know rules of engagement.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to do it alone, and I do offer a tailored uncoupling program if that is something that would support you through this process, and there are countless other professionals and free resources out there who specialize in this phase, in this stage.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: So do find the fit that's right for you, whatever it is, however it looks, have support and scaffolding while you do this because it is really hard.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: Tip number 10 is get some legal advice.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: This situation, this living separated under one roof, can be a bit of a legal minefield.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and that's something that most people don't realise.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: It can become a legal minefield if you're not completely on the same page, if there's a third party involved, if um you're in conflict and you can't communicate calmly and clearly.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: So, unless you have to do this, it's generally cleaner and clearer if one of you moves out.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you can't agree on key things or you don't get your agreements in writing, you can end up in a stalemate.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: Property settlements stall, and so can you divorce, or so can your you know, capacity and and yeah, your capacity to move on, your ability to move on.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: The key issue here is proving a separation date.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: When we talk legally, the key issue is proving a separation date, and that is only an issue if you don't agree.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't agree on when you officially separated, you may need to prove it.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: And that might mean being able to demonstrate you've stopped sharing a bed, you've stopped sleeping together, you've reduced those joint family activities.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like we talked about, you no longer say cook or clean or do laundry for each other, you have told family and friends that you've separated, and you're spending time out socially, not as a couple anymore.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and you have clearly separated at least partially your parenting time.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: You're living out like housemates, not a couple, and there may even be some financial separation.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, get some legal advice early, even if it's just an initial intro session, to understand your options, your responsibilities, and to protect yourself a little.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: You don't know what you don't know, and the right legal advice can prevent a whole heap of drama down the track.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: So, this setup, living together apart, living together separated under one roof, can be incredibly challenging, but it can also be powerful and even a little bit healing.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: It gives you time and space, a softer landing, and a chance to figure things out before making the big leap.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: It also gives you the opportunity, if your relationship is amicable and collaborative, it gives you the opportunity to scaffold one another through this process.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: Not to be each other's emotional support, but just practically and logistically to scaffold one another.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: But you need boundaries, you need clarity about responsibilities, who's responsible for what and when, you need aligned support, however that looks for you, and you need a shared commitment and agreement to doing it respectfully and strategically and kindly for yourselves and for your kids.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're in this space right now or you're staring down the barrel of this and you need help figuring it out, I'd love to support you.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: If that's you, your best option is to book a free intro call to work out what you most need, maybe a clarity consult or longer one-on-one working with me or uncoupling coaching to support both of you.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: And also a reminder that this is not legal advice.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: As I mentioned earlier, it's important to have some advice around this living arrangement as it can have legal implications.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: So do seek that out for yourself in your jurisdiction.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: And lastly, if there's someone in your world who you care about and who's navigating this or wondering whether to stay or leave a relationship or a marriage, and you think this would help them, please share this episode with them.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, thank you as always for being here.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: I do so appreciate you sharing this time and space with me.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: Until then