Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Would You Pass a Parenting Performance Review?

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Would You Pass a Parenting Performance Review? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: Would you submit yourself to a parenting performance appraisal? Today
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  Speaker 1: on the Happy Families Podcast, we talk about how we
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  Speaker 1: put ourselves through that, what the results were, and how
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  Speaker 1: it could benefit your family. Stay with us.
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  Speaker 2: Today.
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  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families podcast, where you get real
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  Speaker 1: parenting solutions every single day. This is Australia's most downloaded
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  Speaker 1: parenting podcast. We're so glad to have you along. Where
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  Speaker 1: Justin and Kylie Colson were the parents of six kids,
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  Speaker 1: Kylie are parenting performance appraisals. It's not something that we relish,
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  Speaker 1: and yet they've made a bigger impact in our family
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  Speaker 1: and in our home than many other things we've tried.
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  Speaker 2: It's been a long time since we've actually done one
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  Speaker 2: as formally as our first couple were regular check ins
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  Speaker 2: with our kids as a really important part of building
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  Speaker 2: relationships with them. But this goes back many years to
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  Speaker 2: your very first book. You'd written a book called What
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  Speaker 2: Your Child Needs from You.
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  Speaker 1: Which I still sell and people still tell me how
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  Speaker 1: much it's helped their families. It's just wonderful. I think
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  Speaker 1: I wrote it like in twenty twelve.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I kind of joke with you, it's my favorite
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  Speaker 2: book because it is your shortest one.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, that's right.
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  Speaker 2: So for the time board parent, it's perfect. A couple
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  Speaker 2: of nights of.
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  Speaker 1: You can read the wh in two hours. Yeah, it's done.
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  Speaker 1: Become a better fast.
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  Speaker 2: But when I first read it, I was really taken
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  Speaker 2: by this idea that you had shared in there, of
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  Speaker 2: thinking about some questions with your child in mind and
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  Speaker 2: kind of answering them as though you were your child. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Literally, like I said, imagine that you're your child. What
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  Speaker 1: would your child say if you ask them these questions?
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  Speaker 2: So, knowing that I am probably my worst critic and
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to give myself a pretty harsh rap at
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  Speaker 2: the other end, I didn't really want to imagine what
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  Speaker 2: they might say. I was really curious as to what
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  Speaker 2: they would actually say and how they would actually feel.
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  Speaker 2: And so over the next few days, as I mold
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  Speaker 2: over the idea of asking the kids, I conjured up
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  Speaker 2: all of these possibilities, all these ways that I might
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  Speaker 2: get an answer from them, knowing that they probably wouldn't
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  Speaker 2: tell me. But the idea of putting myself on the
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  Speaker 2: line in front of any number of my friends and
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  Speaker 2: getting them to ask them questions scared the living day.
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  Speaker 1: It's almost as bad as going on parental guidance. Let's
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  Speaker 1: just tell everyone the kids.
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  Speaker 2: A couple of my friends were psychologists, so I knew
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  Speaker 2: that they would be able to do it and do
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  Speaker 2: a good job. But I was like, I don't want
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  Speaker 2: them to know everything about me, all the bad.
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  Speaker 1: Stuff, dirty laundry. Here we go.
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  Speaker 2: So after a few days, I thought, you know what,
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  Speaker 2: I'm just going to ask them, and that's how the
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  Speaker 2: parenting appraised all began. Like I literally said to you,
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to do some PPIs, some personal parenting interviews
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  Speaker 2: with our kids, and I'm going to ask them these questions.
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  Speaker 2: And you looked at me like I was the weirdest
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  Speaker 2: person in the whole wide world. But you did such
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  Speaker 2: an awesome job keeping them entertained in the lounde room
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  Speaker 2: while I took one by one each of our children
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  Speaker 2: and I asked them the ten questions that you've got
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  Speaker 2: in your book. And can I tell you that that
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  Speaker 2: was literally one of the highlights of our parenting experience
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  Speaker 2: with each of these kids.
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  Speaker 1: It was also a low light at the same time,
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  Speaker 1: but through hard things, like through tough things, you've become better.
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  Speaker 2: Right, Well, I know you're saying it's low light. There
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  Speaker 2: was there was some really like some sucker punches to
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  Speaker 2: the guards that they said. But what was so amazing
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  Speaker 2: about it was number one, they didn't hold back. So
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  Speaker 2: there was this affirmation for me that they felt safe
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  Speaker 2: enough that they could share that sucker punch to the heart.
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  Speaker 1: There's something about a parent sitting down with a child
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  Speaker 1: and saying, hey, I really want to get your opinion,
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  Speaker 1: and I'm even going to write down your answers. Kids
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  Speaker 1: take that really seriously, like they tell you what they're thinking.
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  Speaker 1: It's beautiful.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. But second, it was the gateway to recognizing what
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  Speaker 2: was most important to them For me as a parent,
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  Speaker 2: and the things that I thought were important weren't necessarily
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  Speaker 2: the most important things. And through that process I got
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  Speaker 2: to actually see inside my children's hearts and recognize in
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  Speaker 2: some cases I was doing an awesome job and there
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  Speaker 2: were a couple of areas that were not good at all,
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  Speaker 2: and it was the wake up call I needed to
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  Speaker 2: make changes that would support them in their growth.
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  Speaker 1: Well, after the break, we're going to unpack what those
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  Speaker 1: questions are so that you, if you're so inclined, can
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  Speaker 1: do your very own parenting performance appraisal. With your kids.
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  Speaker 1: Stay with us. That's next.
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  Speaker 2: We're back.
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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Family's podcast. If you're enjoying the pod,
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  Speaker 1: please share it with your friends, neighbors, ather parents, it's
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  Speaker 1: mums and your mum's group, dads in your dad's group, whoever, wherever,
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  Speaker 1: because every time you share the podcast, it helps other
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  Speaker 1: families to be happier. Kylie, I've got the list because
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  Speaker 1: I still have the book. People still buy the book.
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  Speaker 1: Should we step through it each of these questions and
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  Speaker 1: you can share any insights that you have here. The
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  Speaker 1: first question, my parents support me? So again, we're supposed
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  Speaker 1: to take a moment and pretend that we are our
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  Speaker 1: child and work out whether or not our child as
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  Speaker 1: us is going to say yes or no? Would they
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  Speaker 1: agree with the statements?
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  Speaker 2: As a parent, we'd love to think that we're supporting
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  Speaker 2: our kids.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, totally is like, of course, I'm supporting you like.
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  Speaker 2: You do every day. That's exactly right. You're bringing home
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  Speaker 2: the money so that they can have a roof over
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  Speaker 2: their head. They have food on the table, they have
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  Speaker 2: clothing and a whole list of wants on top of
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  Speaker 2: all their needs. But do they see that as support?
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  Speaker 1: And the critical thing is it's not actually about what
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  Speaker 1: you think, is about what they think. Their perception becomes
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  Speaker 1: their reality. It's the story that they tell themselves based
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  Speaker 1: on their experience. So questionnaire idam Number one, my parents
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  Speaker 1: support me? Would child say yes or no? It's worth
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  Speaker 1: asking them. Here's question two. My parents console me when
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  Speaker 1: I'm upset.
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  Speaker 2: Is it a suck it up princess, come on, let's
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  Speaker 2: get on with things, or is it a cuddle and
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  Speaker 2: just an acknowledgment that was really hard?
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  Speaker 1: The third one my parents show they care about me.
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  Speaker 1: I think this one's really interesting because there are so
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  Speaker 1: many things that we do and often our children don't
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  Speaker 1: think that we care. They think that we're writing them,
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  Speaker 1: they think that we're on their back, they think that
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  Speaker 1: we're constantly pressuring them. And yet we do so much
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  Speaker 1: of what we do because we care about them, but
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  Speaker 1: they often don't perceive it like that.
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  Speaker 2: Well, even when they come home late and we kind
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  Speaker 2: of berate them, it's a signal of the fear that
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  Speaker 2: we've been experiencing while we've been waiting for them, and
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  Speaker 2: in essence, for us, it's this is because I care,
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  Speaker 2: but they don't see it that way.
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  Speaker 1: Here's the next one, my parents show a genuine interest
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  Speaker 1: in me. I struggle with this one because if I'm
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  Speaker 1: looking at my phone, if I'm responding to an email,
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  Speaker 1: if I'm in a conversation with you, and they want
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  Speaker 1: my attention, where's the line? How often am I looking
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  Speaker 1: at my daughter and saying looking at our daughter and saying,
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  Speaker 1: I'm really interested? What about when they're telling you something
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  Speaker 1: and there are about ten sentences in and you've realized
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  Speaker 1: that your eyes have closed over, your head is elsewhere.
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  Speaker 1: You're just thinking, this is the most boring, pointless story
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  Speaker 1: I've ever heard in my life. And I've got fifty
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  Speaker 1: three other things that I've got on my mind, Like
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  Speaker 1: my parents show a genuine interest in me? Oh my goodness,
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  Speaker 1: how hard is that?
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  Speaker 2: I was just thinking about the conversation we had the
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  Speaker 2: other night with one of our daughters.
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  Speaker 1: Oh so you weren't listening to me, you were thinking
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  Speaker 1: about other things? Right, thanks very much. I don't feel
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  Speaker 1: cared for.
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  Speaker 2: She's had a massive transition point in her life and
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  Speaker 2: she's trying to work out what next steps are, and
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  Speaker 2: for about fifteen minutes, I think she flitted through about
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  Speaker 2: seventeen possible.
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  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, this ways, she's the most annoying conversation
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  Speaker 1: I've had in months.
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  Speaker 2: Like, we're trying so hard to be supportive, and.
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  Speaker 1: She's like, maybe I shouldn't just go and become a
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  Speaker 1: scuba diving instructor. And I'm like, great, okay, go and
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  Speaker 1: become one.
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  Speaker 2: She said, oh, but actually I don't like deep.
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  Speaker 1: Water, don't like being in an open ocean either, And
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  Speaker 1: I'm like, what he's just talking rubbish. So my parents
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  Speaker 1: show a genuine interest in me. Sometimes maybe it's hard.
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  Speaker 2: No, So what was crazy is that was a very
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  Speaker 2: frustrating conversation. Yeah, she got to the end of it
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  Speaker 2: and she actually came to me and she said, Mom,
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  Speaker 2: thanks so much for listening to me and just letting
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  Speaker 2: me talk it through.
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  Speaker 1: She didn't say that to me.
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  Speaker 2: She said, I feel like I've just got so much
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  Speaker 2: more clarity now. And we felt frustrated by the conversation,
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  Speaker 2: Oh my goodness, but she felt heard and it gave
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  Speaker 2: her an opportunity to bounce ideas off of somebody.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, she had to work it through. Here's the next one.
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  Speaker 1: My parents remember things that are important to me. You
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  Speaker 1: don't have to say anything. The take of breath was
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  Speaker 1: enough to take a moment, pretend that you your child.
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  Speaker 1: Would your child agree with those statements about you? This
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  Speaker 1: one that's actually one of my favorites. My parents are
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  Speaker 1: available to talk at any time, and it's one of
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  Speaker 1: my favorites because it still happens now, but it used
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  Speaker 1: to happen a lot more ten fifteen years ago when
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  Speaker 1: we had a younger family and we had our first teenagers.
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  Speaker 1: They would come into the bedroom somewhere between eight thirty
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  Speaker 1: and nine thirty at night because they just want to
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  Speaker 1: sit on the edge of the bed and talk to us.
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  Speaker 1: And there comes a time where the children go to
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  Speaker 1: bed after you, especially like us, we get up at
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  Speaker 1: like four thirty, or with one of the kids now
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  Speaker 1: we're getting up at three thirty to take her to work,
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  Speaker 1: because that's the role of a parent, that's what you do.
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  Speaker 1: And I would just be wanting to go to sleep
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  Speaker 1: because I've got to get up in six and a
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  Speaker 1: half hours so i can go one hundred killometer bike
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  Speaker 1: ride or something silly like that. And you'd be like,
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  Speaker 1: justin your parenting expert, and you would literally because we
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  Speaker 1: had this book in our bookshelf. If you would point
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  Speaker 1: at the question or the question our OTAM and say
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  Speaker 1: my parents are available to talk at any time. I'd
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  Speaker 1: be like, but it's always worth it every single time.
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  Speaker 1: The next one, my parents ask questions in a caring manner. Ouch,
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  Speaker 1: my parents spend extra time with me just because they
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  Speaker 1: want to. My parents are willing to talk about my troubles.
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  Speaker 1: My parents talk with me about my interests, my parents
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  Speaker 1: value my input. And the last question, my parents make
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  Speaker 1: me feel wanted.
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  Speaker 2: If you're willing to sit in that place, I'm going
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  Speaker 2: to say, it's not going to be comfortable. You get
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  Speaker 2: a beautiful intimate view into the way your child views
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  Speaker 2: you and the things that you're doing. And there is
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  Speaker 2: a bit of sweetness to it, because there are going
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  Speaker 2: to be some things you are nailing and they're going
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  Speaker 2: to let you know that. And there are going to
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  Speaker 2: be places where you're getting it.
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  Speaker 1: Wrong and they're going to let you know that, and
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  Speaker 1: they're going to.
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  Speaker 2: Let you know that too. But if you go in
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  Speaker 2: with a desire to connect deeply with your child, then
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  Speaker 2: it doesn't need to be a berating They're not going
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  Speaker 2: to breate you. They're just going to acknowledge that sometimes.
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  Speaker 2: Like I still remember literally that first time and I
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  Speaker 2: remember one of our girls saying to me when I
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  Speaker 2: asked her the question, did she know that I was
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  Speaker 2: available to talk to her at any time? She said, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: I do, she said, but if daddy's on his phone
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  Speaker 2: or you're at the sewing machine, I know that you're
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  Speaker 2: saying you're listening to me, but you're not. Really, I'm
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  Speaker 2: not the most important thing in the room. And I
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  Speaker 2: remember that just like cutting me to the very core.
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  Speaker 2: But it was it was just this beautiful gift. She
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  Speaker 2: gave me a gift. So if you can see your
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  Speaker 2: children's sharing as a gift because they desperately want to connect,
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  Speaker 2: that that is their ultimate They want to connect and
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  Speaker 2: they're giving you another opportunity to get it right, then
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  Speaker 2: the experience will be richer.
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  Speaker 1: We will share all of those questionnaire items in our
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  Speaker 1: show notes. We really hope that this has been an inspiring, helpful,
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  Speaker 1: and well maybe considered conversation that can change the way
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  Speaker 1: you're doing things in your family. Thank you so much
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  Speaker 1: for listening. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin
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  Speaker 1: Ruhlan from Bridge Media. Imhammits provides our admin and other
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  Speaker 1: support and if you would like more info to make
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  Speaker 1: your family happier. You can grab a copy of what
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  Speaker 1: your child needs from you, creating a connected family online
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: wherever you buy your books and check out Boys Building
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: Strong Young Men from the Inside Out. Pre order now
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: get twenty seven percent off at book toopia dot com
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: dot au. We'll be back tomorrow with more on the
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast